Author Topic: My Story Finally admitting I need support  (Read 2444 times)

Online strawberryTopic starter

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My Story Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #40 on: April 15, 2018, 04:41:01 PM »
This weekend has been especially hard for me.  No real reason.  Caught H in another lie, which doesn't surprise me and yet still stuns me each time.  It's also been made really clear to me where I rank with my closest friends.  My friend who lives far away will take me call any time I call, listen to me monkey brain and give me her thoughts without judgement.  My friend who lives near me no longer has time for me.  In the more than 10 years that we've been friends, she has only dated one person and he lived in Australia.  She just wasn't really interested in being tied to another person.  But if she needed something, I (and/or H) would drop what I was doing to help, no questions asked.  She started dating someone in the last year and he recently moved in.  She even gave up a room in her house for his 6 year old daughter (she never wanted kids.  Doesn't dislike them, just didn't want to be a mom).  Now if I need help, she is generally unavailable.  I told her 3 weeks ago that I needed help changing some lightbulbs (13 foot ceiling with a ladder that requires 3 hands to set up and lock in place).  She finally stopped by to help today but only because she needed me to pick up her share from the co-op yesterday and I refused to drive a half hour out of my way to take it to her house and put it away for her.  And really, her boyfriend helped while she kept looking at her watch.

As I reading this vent, I'm realizing just how hurt by her I am at this point.  Ironically, her boyfriend is more friendly and supportive at this point.  It's ironic because he and I butted heads about 4 months into dating when he broke up with her because he though his daughter didn't like her.  His kid actually adores her despite (or maybe because) she is pretty strict about boundaries with the kid.  Turns out kids actually do like structure.  Who knew.  Anyway, H and I were friends for many years before dating. I really felt like I married my best friend.  Now I feel like I've been rejected by 2 of my 3 close friends.

Online strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #41 on: April 16, 2018, 09:28:43 PM »
H is looking for a new apartment. He not only told me the name of the top two locations but even sent me a link to the webpage for his preferred location.  I guess he’s decided it’s okay for me to know where he lives now.  Progress?  Who knows.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #42 on: April 17, 2018, 12:34:53 AM »
Hi Strawberry, just catching up with your thread.
it surely can be that your Hs Job ist the alienator here. He lives in the City, he has a lot of oportunities to meet somebody if he wanted so you will never really know. Ist the trust Thing again isnt it? Ist hard to trust a MLCer who constantly lies I know.
Please have no expectations but I personally think that your H sending you the links to his prefered Locations is HUGE!!! Just Keep on playing the Situation as you have been, your doing really well and those down days do happen to all of us but we know that we will come out of them stronger than before..
Ive always wanted chickens, im a Little jealous  8)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. Still together but never seen.
2 Sons - 18 & 20
2 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Filed
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0
T10. http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9547.0

Offline sada

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #43 on: April 19, 2018, 07:30:36 AM »
Hi Strawberry, just letting you know I'm gonna read up on your thread today. So far what I've read brings back so many memories.  ttyl...
Sada
Me - 55
H - 54
Married 11 years, together 21
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes".
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Early 2016: Health scare, including major surgery, resulting in fog lifting some more.
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively.Not cooked but has remained home and reconciling
Arguments & disagreements less frequent
Enjoying our time together

Offline sada

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #44 on: April 25, 2018, 08:33:40 AM »
Hi Strawberry,
Reading through your posts reminded me so much about my own marriage.

Quote
There is a part of me that worries there is an OW.
I get the worry & it’s a valid concern.

Posted by Serenity on March 15, 2018, 12:07:59 AM
Quote
I don’t want to alarm you but there’s usually another woman lurking in the wings.
   
Exactly right. There is nothing to be done if there is ow & sometimes it seems that for many mclers it is a part of the journey that they must go through. Just keep in mind that the ow is another symptom of mlc. If there isn’t one now, there might be one later & if that happens there is nothing special about her. It’s his mlc & his lies & his presenting himself as someone he’s not that get their affairs going. My h left for ow & set her up in a brand new apartment with brand new furniture throughout & signed a year's lease. After he came back to me he had another short-lived affair with ow2 within that year. Something that I am glad to have never monkey-brained about is the ow. I never blamed the ow’s. In my case at least, this betrayal fit squarely on my h’s shoulders.  Acknowledging this truth helped me to heal, because clearly, it was my h who was the common denominator. Both ow were single, 20+ years younger. He was the middle-aged married man out in these streets pursuing young, single, women;  both damsels in major distress. Try not to give this potential situation too much thought.

Quote
About 3 weeks after he moved out, I asked if we could "date" and still get together for sex.
I feel that you should trust your own instinct on the issue of ml. This is where each couple have their singular dynamic, history & circumstance & no one should feel they can say yes or no, except you.

Quote
Caught H in another lie, which doesn't surprise me and yet still stuns me each time.
You’re right to not be surprised. I feel that your h will come back to you & when he does he won’t remember half the lies he told you. It’s one of the hard roads to reconciliation --having to deal with the fact of them not owning up to stuff because they can’t remember all the lies they've told.

Quote
My friend who lives near me no longer has time for me.
This happened with my close friend also. She even blocked me on her phone for a while. What I had to accept is that not everyone has the ability to be a true friend & even friends have motives that are not always honorable. I would never have done that to her. What was telling was that she only blocked me after I told her about how my h was sounding like he wanted to come home. Fast-forward 3.5 years & 99% of the time when we speak it’s because she reaches out to me, & needs me for something. And every time I listen & I’m there for her.

Quote
Now I feel like I've been rejected by 2 of my 3 close friends.
My advice is to just stay true to yourself & don’t let anyone reduce the greatness in you: not your h & not your friend. Fake it till you make it, hold your head up. Come here & journal or pm, or rant when you’re bursting inside with needing to vent.

One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes
Quote
You see, we may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated. It may even be necessary to encounter the defeat, so that we can know who we are. So that we can see, oh, that happened, and I rose. I did get knocked down flat in front of the whole world, and I rose. I didn't run away - I rose right where I'd been knocked down. And then that's how you get to know yourself. You say, hmm, I can get up! I have enough of life in me to make somebody jealous enough to want to knock me down. I have so much courage in me that I have the effrontery, the incredible gall to stand up. That's it. That's how you get to know who you are.

Quote
H is looking for a new apartment. He not only told me the name of the top two locations but even sent me a link to the webpage for his preferred location.  I guess he’s decided it’s okay for me to know where he lives now.  Progress?  Who knows.

Progress for sure, but remember to have no expectations, which is easier said than done. Don’t try to figure him out or 2nd guess him or his motives. What you've already seen is that he doesn’t know wth he is doing. If I know nothing else about all this I know that mlc is real. I know that the fog is real. So while we’re spinning around in circles, clutching our pearls & holding on for dear life trying to understand all this, they have already forgotten what they said or did to cause us to spin in the first place.

Strawberry, have you heard about the 180?  It’s sort of a guide. Not everything will apply to you but I feel there is priceless advice there.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your
spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that
you have had an awakening and, as far as you
are concerned, you are going to move on with
your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just
pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and,
more important, realize what s/he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only
show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Show him/her someone s/he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it
(which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how s/he feels
(it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is
really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away
when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself
(exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the
other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more
than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when
you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.
Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

Michele Weiner-Davis
divorcebusting.com






« Last Edit: April 25, 2018, 08:37:38 AM by sada »
Sada
Me - 55
H - 54
Married 11 years, together 21
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes".
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Early 2016: Health scare, including major surgery, resulting in fog lifting some more.
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively.Not cooked but has remained home and reconciling
Arguments & disagreements less frequent
Enjoying our time together

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #45 on: April 25, 2018, 10:10:13 AM »
Love the Maya Angelou quote. So very true. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline shopgirl

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #46 on: April 27, 2018, 01:00:48 PM »
following along. :)

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #47 on: May 01, 2018, 05:43:57 PM »
The Maya Angelou quote spoke volumes to me. Especially the part about someone being jealous enough of me to want to knock me down. xH's OW threatened to do exactly that to me if I caused any trouble, she said she would knock me on my @$$ to my son, who was 30 yrs. old at the time.

I never considered that she could be that jealous of me.
trying2bok

Online strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #48 on: May 03, 2018, 10:24:22 PM »
I took a vacation and missed some replies.  The trip was generally a good time visiting family for a week and the weekend with my other BFF.  I did my best to try not thinking about h. I even managed to go 3 days without texting him.  He broke our informal no contact with an early morning shirtless photo.  He’s sent me 2 more since them.  I have sent no photos back....well, none of me.  I think I sent some food porn from dinner one night.

Thank you Sada and Whyus, for your advice and thoughts.  The lies he tells me are stupid and pointless and I’m sure he forgets immediately that he’s told them.  It’s almost like a compulsion.  I am getting better about observing and collecting data but making no judgements or developing expectations based on what I see.

He is definitely moving to a new apartment and he texted me to tell me he added a renters insurance policy to our home and car policies and I assume he knows that gives me his exact address.  I’m not sure why he added it to our joint policy though.  Doesn’t seem like the logical thing to do if you are trying to make your life secret and private.  But I also realized he has set up a new bank account somewhere.  While we had a joint account, we also each had a separate individual account tied to it.  As I was the keeper of the finances (I work in the field so it made sense) I had the passwords to all the accounts.  He hasn’t changed his password and his account and his salary is still direct deposited to the same account but aside from the maintenance he transfers to the joint account the only activity I see now are bulk transfers to some unknown account.  This seems dumb to me.  Change the password if he’s worried about me seeing some thing.  Just one more wonky MLC thing.

My local friend runs hot and cold.  I don’t even know if she realizes that she shuts me out when I need her but has no hesitation if she needs me.  Like with h, I’m working on not taking it personally.

I have read the 180 and I’m probably 90% there. 

That is a great quote.  I’m probably going to re-read it frequently over the next few weeks.

I am happy to report that I am kicking some serious butt on the country girl living thing.  I went to turn my compost pile and I found that the center was super hot (a very good thing that I had never managed before).  Several of my friends and family members received photos of decomposing lawn debris in celebration.  I’ve mastered all my gas powered lawn tools except the chainsaw, which still scares me, and I now have a large bonfire pile in the works.  The garden isn’t going as well, but I had low expectations.  I used the old seeds I’ve collected from past years instead of buying new ones and didn’t expect great germination rates. Sadly, 2 of my chickens have disappeared.  Likely coyotes as they seem to a bit bolder this year according to all my neighbors.  But this means I can get new chicks next month after I get back from my work trip, and chicks are fun.

Online strawberryTopic starter

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Re: Finally admitting I need support
« Reply #49 on: May 05, 2018, 12:26:34 PM »
It's been an emotional week again for me but for a change, it's unrelated to H.

On the H front, he continues to be chatty.  Sometimes he contacts me for necessary things and other times for nothing important.  He continues to send the occasional shirtless photo thought I have sent no photos of myself to him.  He's acting a lot like we are just really good friends....a bit like before we were dating.  This morning I woke up to a text that he had listed me as an emergency contact for his new apartment and was that okay.  He assumes so but thought it was polite to ask.  I laughed and said I had been putting him as my emergency contract on all my race applications so I guess I was impolite for not asking.  He then told me that he guesses he should give me his address if I'm his EC and later told me he would send me pictures of his new furniture (he took nothing from the house even though I now live alone in a 5 bedroom house with more furniture than I could possibly need).  So in the space of 3 months, we've gone from "you don't need to know where I live, it's none of your business to here is my address and some pictures of my new place"  I still don't know what it means and I'm not even going to try speculating.  I'm sure that will just lead to disappointment.

The rest of my week was consumed with the news that an old friend has a month to live and discovering the complete sh!tstorm he dropped me in the middle of.  My friend M is a man I met in the Navy.  We served together on shore duty.  Our crew was made up of very young new sailors (18-19 year olds) and older men who were about to retire (40-45 years old) and me and M, who were in our late 20s with some time at sea under our belts.  So naturally, we struck up a friendship since we didn't really identify with anyone else.  I was single at the time and he was married with 2 little girls.  Being a single woman in the navy, and in particular the field I was in that had only let women in about 5 years earlier, I was extremely careful to befriend the wives whenever possible to ensure them I was not a threat.  His wife, K, and I hit it off great and I became a frequent babysitter, favorite aunty to their girls.  M was an oddball and I know now had a lot of demons and their marriage was never good.  K eventually left him for the man she had been dating previously (also navy) and took her two girls with her.  K's new husband took orders first to Japan and then to guam.  They have spent the last 10 years overseas and M has seen his daughters very infrequently.  I think maybe a half dozen times in the last decade.  K disappeared off the face of the earth to me until a couple years ago when she joined facebook and reached out to me timidly.  I had to assure her that I did not hate her and we were still on good terms as long as no one expected me to take sides. While their marriage ended in an ugly way, in my view, they were both a fault and it was not a MLC adulterous affair or anything I should judge either one over.  M eventually remarried a girl named S and I adore S as well.  I got out of the Navy and stayed in my house near the base.  M&S took orders to various places including where I was living and we would all reconnect as we could.  Eventually, the distance resulted in the type of friendship where you talk once or twice a year, but it's like no real time has passed.

The last time before this week that I'd heard from M was a rather strange message about his family history tracing back to pagans in ireland and his family being charged with hunting the Fae.  I laughed it off because he was they type to have weird stories for attention.  That was about a year ago.

This week, I got a very brief message that simply said he was sorry to tell me this way but he's dying.  Given his dramatic flare, I responded with a "oh, really.  Do tell."  He said kidney failure and he would die in 23 days.  That seemed an oddly specific detail and at 43 I didn't see how that was a definitely fatal diagnosis at this point.   I spoke to him on the phone that evening and he was very out of it.  He kept changing what was wrong with him and slurring his words.  I asked where S was and he said she left him 9 months prior, but that his oldest daughter, C, would be coming to see him.

I reached out to K to find out if C was indeed coming out and she said they were working on it but it was going to be a financial hardship as C is an adult legally and so the Navy doesn't recognize her as a dependent.  However she said C had just gotten off the phone with a nurse and M was in comfort care and had maybe a month to live.  She was also hesitant to send her daughter to the US where she would be alone with her dying father, no drivers license, and no means of really supporting herself.

I then decided to reach out to S as I figured she might want a friend and she might be willing to help C which would ease K's mind.  Turns out he had ceased communication with him 3 months earlier and she had no idea what was going on.  We spoke on the phone and I had the unfortunate job of telling her what I knew.  She was devastated.  They were not divorced as M had said (hadn't even filed).  Both S & C were worried that M would die alone and were fretting over the state of his affairs.  C actually believed this to be her sole responsibility because she thought M & S divorced as well.

For the last decade or so I've tried really REALLY hard to not interject myself or my opinions were not asked, but in this case I decided to try to play family healer.  S & C have had no independent communication and I figured that needed to change.  I threw all 3 woman in a chat with myself and said, hey, you should all finally meet.  C initially bristled because like most 20 year olds, she doesn't think she needs help from anyone.  His youngest daughter is so angry with him that she won't even consider going.

C gave us the name of the hospital he was in and S immediately went to see him.  All she would say that night was it was bad and she needed some time.  The next day however, she contacted me and asked if I knew a girl named E.  I said no and she proceeded to tell me that for the last year her husband has had a 27 year old girlfriend who is driving his car and has medical POA and is making plans for his end of life as well as continuously talking about his daughters like they are her BFFs.  A quick check with C verifies that she has no idea who E is either and the girl is delusional.  That evening M agreed to sign a new POA giving S control over medical decision.  C is coming out but has asked Sarah to take her in as she does not want to stay at her father's place with him (if he goes for home hospice, which is debatable at this time).

S is a wreck, and I'm talking to her several times a day trying to be supportive.  M is acting like they were never separated now except E is still in the room, and no doubt hurt by this change in circumstances (though my level of sympathy for her is extremely low), which is causing S more stress because she doesn't know if she should tolerate the girl or send her away.  I really don't know what to tell her on this.

The whole thing is just emotional charged.  I'm mad at M for needlessly throwing his life away. I pity him because early onset dementia runs in his family and after talking with everyone, it does appear that he's been displaying signs for more than a year and no one put the pieces together.   Looking back now I also realize that he was a high functioning alcoholic back when we were in the Navy together and none of us really identified it then either.  So many signs were missed and a life has been wasted and several others significantly impacted.  I know there is nothing to be done, but it's hard not to look back and wonder if there were things any of us in his life could have done to steer him down a better path.  I briefly wondered if there were some MLC elements but I think this case leans far more toward more traditional mental illness combined with alcoholism.

My only hope now is that S can build a relationship with the step daughters she barely knows but knows so well (M was always talking about them to the point that his friends all felt they knew the girls personally).  S suffered a miscarriage and the death of a premie baby during their marriage.  She always wanted to be a mother but she has an extreme number of food allergies and was always fairly underweight so I think it was always going to be difficult for her to carry to term.

Tonight I have a some family coming to visit to celebrate Cinco de Mayo and play board games.  It will be a welcome distraction.

 

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