Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......  (Read 5922 times)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reconnecting Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« on: March 23, 2018, 11:14:44 AM »
Things are not very interesting most of the time, but come on along. What a long, strange trip its been!  ;)

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9056.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8463.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7753.0
 http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7494.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6972.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6494.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6314.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6108.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5829.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5635.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5478.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5317.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5239.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5171.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5171.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5014.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4956.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4909.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4822.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4728.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4660.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4493.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4391.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4329.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4154.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4080.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3843.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3769.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3708.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3638.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3544.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3366.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3208.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3040.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2926.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2997.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3081.0
« Last Edit: July 16, 2018, 10:24:31 AM by Thunder »
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Online Mitzpah

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5870
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2018, 11:24:03 AM »
Following along Slow Fade  :)

I hope your h. has further awakening soon...
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2018, 12:42:42 PM »
Thank you Mitz.......as we know, its in God's hands........ ;)

Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2018, 01:42:49 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Slow Fade.

Hope your husband makes more progress soon.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2018, 02:10:34 PM »
Thank you Anjae.

I know I need to find a way to deal with the stress of family right now. I found that when I lay down, my whole body tenses up. I even clench my fists. I was shocked when I finally noticed it.

I'm going to try yoga.....
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline handpuppets

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 961
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2018, 03:00:45 PM »
Attaching, Slow Fade.

I like to believe we are always in the right place at the time time. May your H earnestly reconnect fully with you soon.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2018, 03:05:58 PM »
Thank you Handpuppets.....Me too!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2018, 03:54:04 PM »
I know I need to find a way to deal with the stress of family right now. I found that when I lay down, my whole body tenses up. I even clench my fists. I was shocked when I finally noticed it.

Sorry to hear, Slow Fade. Have you tried taking magnesium? Learning told me to, and I have been taking it for two or three years, and it has been making wonders. Magnesium with B6 is great (there are several types, combinations and dosages of magnesium). Maybe you may even also some some B12?

This MLC things will rise our stress levels over the roof. And even when we don't have the MLCer around and/or things calm down, the effects will be there.

Currently, my immune system is very low and frail (even with the minerals and vitamins). Probably a result of years of MLC madness/stress and whole those years looking after grandmother.

I have been to the doctor and have a bunch of blood tests to do, including anti-native DNA antibodies, antinuclear antibodies and a million other ones. Those two test are, of course, to search for an autoimmune disease.

I may have one, but the stress levels of MLC haven't helped one bit.

The health price of MLC on the LBS is often overlooked. Even if we are takig good care of ourselves, it will get to a point where it will catch up and hit us like a ton of bricks.

Please take good care of yourself, Slow Fade. Go see a doctor. Ask for tests. Stress is very damaging.


Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline The lighthouse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3904
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2018, 08:01:57 PM »
Still following along SF, and hoping your H makes further progress soon.

I agree with Anjae, take care of yourself.  I have found taking magnesium and vit B complex very good.  I hope the yoga helps.
M 1992
BD June 2011
Still with OW - No legal action

I am the lighthouse. I don't go out into the storm after the ship.  The ship finds me.

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2018, 02:17:24 AM »
Hello SF

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I used to have that clenched fist thing too. It really is just stress overload.

I've started a brilliant yoga class and I'm loving it. It's really turned things around for me. Who'd have thought a simple class could do that!

I've been told meditation would help too but I haven't looked into that as yet. But definately try the yoga. I was 'drawn' to the class I joined and it's definately the right one for me. The teacher also does yoga holiday which sound brilliant. Last year they all went to India!!

Hugs

X

Offline riverbirch

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2856
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2018, 05:36:49 PM »
This is why I'm going to the therapist at work. Stuff is changing. It's time to move out of this now. We've put up with them for so long and now it's our turn. It's even worse when you're with someone who will not touch you or anything. I can't live like this the rest of my life. I love him but seriously this is enough.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet
Home 2019,rebuilding

Offline Sam I Am

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1351
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2018, 05:41:04 PM »
Attaching
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2018, 07:54:42 AM »
Thank you Anjae, LIghthouse, Serenity, Riverbirch and Sampsed.

Once the weather clears and the snow is gone I'll be able to get outside and work in the yard. Therapeutic for me to go around and around on the lawnmower and have the engine noise drown out everything else! (I know, I'm weird.... ::))  Hands in the dirt is also healing not to mention the physicality of it all. Housework just isn't the same!  ;)

I have a DVD for beginning yoga. I think I'll try that. That is, if I can keep my menagerie from crawling all over me while I try and do it! Or my S15 from falling over in hysterics!

I had a moment where I became aware of the empty nest syndrome....... I almost panicked!
S15 is 15!!!!!!!! Lol! He will be making his own life in a few short years. I don't even want to think about that right now! Do things ever settle down?????
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #13 on: March 27, 2018, 06:07:51 PM »
Hi Slow Fade, sorry to hear you are stressing so. I think you will find the yoga calming. There's something called GAIA that's online and you can do a month for 99 cents. I don't know the cost after that. I also listen to meditations online. I like Michelle's Sanctuary. Her voice is so soothing. You can find it on Youtube. It's free.

The magnesium will also let you calm down and sleep. I found taking 6 at bedtime was my magic number. It can also cause diarrhea at that level, but the upside is you will lose weight.  ;D

I also find that digging in the dirt is therapeutic. I can't wait to be planting flowers in the yard again. Housework definitely doesn't do it for me.  :P

Don't stress about an Empty Nest. I still have a 30 yr old living with me. You'll be screaming to get S15 out of there after a while. Can I interest you in a house guest? ;D
trying2bok

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2248
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #14 on: March 27, 2018, 09:28:11 PM »
Following along SF.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2018, 06:35:21 AM »
I hope the weather clears and the snow is gone soon, so that you can go and work in the yard, Slow Fade.

It can also cause diarrhea at that level, but the upside is you will lose weight.  ;D

It can. I think it depends of the type of magnesium/dosages and the person. On me, it does not have that side effect. Diarrhea will lead to weight loss, but also to dehydration. Be careful with dehydration.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #16 on: March 28, 2018, 08:12:36 AM »
Thank you Learning and Anjae and welcome aboard FaithWalker!

Quote
Don't stress about an Empty Nest. I still have a 30 yr old living with me. You'll be screaming to get S15 out of there after a while. Can I interest you in a house guest? ;D
This made me laugh out loud! That is very comforting Learning......I'm glad to know that I will survive this too!  ;)

Quote
Be careful with dehydration.
I will Anjae, I try to drink as much as I can. (water that is!!   ;) ;D )

H and I actually had a talk about retirement.  :o Shocking I know! He is very, very cautious about what he says. I think he thinks I'm going to shoot down his ideas. I think he was mildly surprised when I supported them. Its still a ways off and lots has to happen first, but at least I know he's thinking about the future. OUR future. Calmed me down a bit.

What is surprising to me is that even though I LOVE animals and miss my horses and enjoy the rural lifestyle, I think I'm ready to slow down a bit. I'm not looking to replace my horse (yet anyway  ;) ) and most of our animals are of the same age so I know we will be losing them in a short time span as they age. I'm not looking to replace them as I would have in the past. I'm beginning to think that one medium dog and one cat (or even just one cat) would be  enough for a while.  Tired of the hair, the accidents in the house, the letting in, out, in, out, in, out routine at home. I never thought I would say that.  :-\

Frankly I think I'm just burned out on care-giving at the moment. Or I'm getting old. Take your pick!  ;) ;D
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Mrs.Smiling

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 633
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #17 on: March 28, 2018, 08:20:01 AM »
Quote
Don't stress about an Empty Nest. I still have a 30 yr old living with me. You'll be screaming to get S15 out of there after a while. Can I interest you in a house guest?

lol this made me laugh...I have a 21 yr old living with me...he is always open to traveling  ;D
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #18 on: March 28, 2018, 08:30:44 AM »
SmilingthroughIt that is funny!!!!

I really do love boys. I have always delighted in my son and his friends. Send them my way!!!!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #19 on: March 28, 2018, 10:05:41 AM »
H and I actually had a talk about retirement.  :o Shocking I know!

That is big.  :)

Frankly I think I'm just burned out on care-giving at the moment. Or I'm getting old. Take your pick!  ;) ;D

Burned out on care-giving at the moment, I say. I suffer from the same.  ;) ;D
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2020
  • Gender: Male
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2018, 11:57:06 AM »
Attaching on SF. 
Wishing yall the best!!!

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #21 on: March 29, 2018, 05:50:18 PM »
Glad I could make you laugh, SF, and very glad your H is talking about your future. I am also there with you regarding pets. I don't have any currently, and I don't want any in the near future. I am relieved to be able to not worry about running home for them or making arrangements for them if I go somewhere.
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2018, 07:48:27 AM »
Thank you Anjae, Helping and Learning.

Want to wish everyone a Wonderful and Blessed Easter this Sunday.. going to be a quiet one at my house for a change. H has to work out of town so S15 and I are taking Mom to her church services. Then home for ham dinner and probably a nap in the recliner!  ;) ;D
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #23 on: April 23, 2018, 02:06:02 PM »
Ok I'm back. One of these days I hope to be over the PTSD of this mess! I am in need of some advice.

My Mom is getting worse. I don't know if its med related or if its something else. She was diagnosed with fibromayalgia and given Lyrica and Cymbalta for the pain. Well, since then she has been having auditory and visual hallucinations, doesn't know what day it is, thinks sometimes she is living in a different house and sees my deceased Father regularly. Now, as bad as that sounds, she KNOWS that she is having these episodes and I'm not in fear of her harming herself or others. Yet.

My issue, related to PTSD and MLC, is that her care is taking up a LOT of my time and energy. Not to mention caring for S15 as well. H still works out of town so he doesn't factor in until the weekends. (sometimes I think that is a blessing  ::) )

We (H, myself and S15) are planning on taking a trip to Yellowstone in July for 5 days. I plan on moving Mom into the house from her RV in the back to make it easier for her to cook and care for the dogs. I will set her up with meals that are easy to reheat in the microwave along with snacks and fruit and will make sure her pills are all sorted. She won't have to go up and down stairs and should be very comfortable. However, if she worsens I don't know if I'm comfortable leaving her.

With all that being said (insert deep breath here  ;)) fear has resurfaced for me thinking that H will find someone else less encumbered with care-giving and run again. He mentioned that he would like to start doing Spartan challenges, which is a physical endurance course where you compete with others. I immediately envisioned him finding a female who competes, who is in shape, who dotes on his every word and who isn't caring for a 15 and 77 year old. Sound familiar? Is he slipping back into MLC or am I just being triggered? Do I say anything to him about it? I'm not sure I would believe him as lying was something he did on a regular basis in the beginning........

I'm about stressed to the gills and have no support other than H which is sketchy at best. I wish I could believe that he would be there through thick and think but we all know that he ran once. Someone talk me down! I'm running rabbit trails and panic is starting to set in! 
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline forthetrees

  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2961
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #24 on: April 23, 2018, 05:45:51 PM »
I would call your Mom´s doctor and explain the side effects and ask for advice. Is it the dosage, the combination or the drugs at any dose? Is there an alternative?
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6456
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #25 on: April 23, 2018, 11:38:38 PM »
Do you have an IC or good wise friend to talk it through with?

It sounds as if some different fears are chewing on you, and all of them have a bit of 'what if another bad thing happens' or 'I'm not enough'. Worried about your mother's health, about leaving her on her own, about H throwing another bomb, about trading you in for another ow....and you're probably tired.

There's such a thin line between being a carer and a fixer isn't there? And when you're tired, asking for help feels harder than just ploughing on. And when you're anxious, it takes all your energy to keep it all going and you fear anything that might change it from do-able to not do-able. My only advice is to look the fears in the eye and challenge your own inner mental tapes HARD on what practically and emotionally you need to lay down from the responsibility of caring for others. Not easy but it's a different type of mirror work. But you can't live as a hostage to 'what ifs'....only way to get past that is to have a different coping plan that makes you feel strong enough to be at 'pffft' whatever happens. So, my first big question is 'What would help that you're not doing because you think you shouldn't/can't do?'
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3158
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #26 on: April 24, 2018, 12:37:22 AM »
I second what forthetrees says. Side effects for that combination are:

Applies to:Cymbalta (duloxetine) and Lyrica (pregabalin)
Using DULoxetine together with pregabalin may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Some people, especially the elderly, may also experience impairment in thinking, judgment, and motor coordination.

I know that fibromayalgia is very painful, and that new drug combination is supposed to be good (test was only on 41 patients, though), but maybe there is something that she can take that will give her a clearer head. That can't be fun for her at all. My grandmother went through something similar after hip surgery where she was certain someone had stolen all her furnishings (she was still in the hospital), after coming home insisted that a sweater was mine when I'd never worn anything like it in my life, and kept trying to tell me certain things existed that just.plain.did.not. It was scary for her.

I would like to suggest ( and it is only a suggestion, because I am not in your shoes) that you ask both your H and S15 to help you out with your mother on the days/times when they are there. Men want to make your life easier. Little boys expect you to do it all. But the average man doesn't know you want or need help unless you specifically ask for the help you want. That's my observation, anyway. When we get overwhelmed, sometimes we just keep on doing because it needs to be done, and we forget people will help us. Most people WANT to feel needed.

So take care of you, too. Let the menfolk help with your mom. After you trot her down to the Dr and see if there are other choices for medications, of course. Because you deserve a nice vacation to Jellystone.  ;D It's huge and fascinating. (more suggestions: go see the paint mud pots, avoid the places where it says the bears will eat you)
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6456
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #27 on: April 24, 2018, 12:46:58 AM »
avoid the places where it says the bears will eat you

And what a metaphor for MLC too...ha, ha  ;D
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #28 on: April 24, 2018, 09:01:32 AM »
Thank you FTT, Off Road and Treasur.

Definitely slipping back into that co-dependent "but what if" mode. Thought I had moved past that!  :P

Quote
I would call your Mom´s doctor and explain the side effects and ask for advice.
We have an appointment coming up. I don't know if there are any alternatives. Marijuana? Not legal here, but legal 30 miles away in another state. Opioids? Probably not in this state with the epidemic around the country. I hope the Doctor has some ideas.......

Quote
I know that fibromayalgia is very painful, and that new drug combination is supposed to be good (test was only on 41 patients, though), but maybe there is something that she can take that will give her a clearer head.
  Fibro is a very fickle disease. Sometimes it responds and sometimes it doesn't. Mom doesn't know what is worse; the pain or the mental confusion. What a choice!  ::) :P

Quote
There's such a thin line between being a carer and a fixer isn't there?  But you can't live as a hostage to 'what ifs'....only way to get past that is to have a different coping plan that makes you feel strong enough to be at 'pffft' whatever happens. So, my first big question is 'What would help that you're not doing because you think you shouldn't/can't do?'
  This is my homework for the next few nights. What would help I think, is just to go on vacation and know that I have left my Mom in good hands. Friends and neighbors and Church family will check in on her and make sure she's ok.  Its not like I'm leaving forever. But what if?  :o :o :o :o ;D Again, homework on my part! Lol.

Quote
ask both your H and S15 to help you out with your mother on the days/times when they are there
. S15 does what he can and H does the things I ask. Its more the emotional component that is troubling. And H is NOT good at emotional. He is very pragmatic and unable to see when someone just needs a hug!  ??? ::)
 
Quote
avoid the places where it says the bears will eat you
  Too late! The camping site we reserved is in the middle of grizzly country. No soft side tents or trailers allowed. H thought it would be "exciting" to see a grizzly.........Needless to say I will not be taking any nighttime trips to the shower!!!!!! Eeeeek!  :o :o 8)

Thank you again, I just needed a touchstone and to be talked off the ledge. No one else really gets what we go through! God Bless.......
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #29 on: April 25, 2018, 05:59:24 PM »
Hi SF! I think those 2 drugs are just awful for your mom to be taking. I looked up fibromyalgia remedies on my favorite natural site: https://ted.earthclinic.com/cures/fibromyalgia4.html

It's too complex for me to relate here because there are so many steps. However, it is my go to site for anything I need a cure for. The main site is: https://www.earthclinic.com/ailments.html

I hope things will settle down for you to go away with peace of mind. You NEED this trip. No matter what, go anyway. You will have people looking after your mom. Could someone stay in the house with her?
trying2bok

Offline Mary A

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 272
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #30 on: April 26, 2018, 03:53:07 AM »
Attaching, SF!
M: 43
H 49
T : 26
BD: April, 2016
EA: discovered March,27, 2017. Lasted for about 6 months.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #31 on: April 26, 2018, 07:54:36 AM »
Thank you Learning and welcome Mary A.  ;D

Learning I agree with you about those drugs. They are not working for her at all and exacerbating other conditions. I will look at the website and see if its something Mom could get on board with. CBD oil seems to work for her, but she thinks she's doing something illegal when she takes it.  ::)

I am planning on going on this trip. I need a break and a change of scenery. I wish she would let someone stay at the house, but she would be very uncomfortable. I'm going to see if her cousins from the coast could "come by for a visit" with their motor home for a couple of days while we are gone. That would be the best thing.

I went to start my mower last night to do some mowing therapy and it wouldn't start.  >:( I had the battery charger on it for 2 days and it still wouldn't start. I think I need a new battery. I was so looking forward to the smell of freshly cut grass and the feel of the sun on my face. Sigh.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #32 on: April 27, 2018, 04:49:22 PM »
I am sorry your mum is having serious health issue, Slow Fade. Opioids is a real no. CBD oil is a good idea and since it seems to work for her, why not? I get the thinking she is doing something illegal, but, if it works.  :)

Don't think it is a very good idea to leave your mum home alone. 

I'm going to see if her cousins from the coast could "come by for a visit" with their motor home for a couple of days while we are gone.

That would be great.

Thank you for the site, Learning. Already looked up a few things for myself.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #33 on: April 30, 2018, 09:32:29 AM »
Thank you Anjae.....

If its not one thing, its another. Mom is beginning to push back at letting me do her meds and bank account. She really messes up both so I need to figure out a way to keep her thinking she is the one calling the shots.

Well, we have a doctors appointment on Thursday and are going to address the med issues and the confusion. There has to be a happy medium.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #34 on: April 30, 2018, 10:19:53 AM »
I know most of my stress is having to deal with my Mom and not having a partner that supports me. H's idea of "fixing" it is to just put Mom in a home and be done with it so we can live our lives. Once again he is putting me in a place where I feel as if I have to choose between him and my Mom. My Mom still has enough independence to live a life outside of an assisted living or nursing home. He is still a selfish person. I'm still heavily medicated!  :P
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #35 on: May 01, 2018, 05:07:37 PM »
Hi SF! I hope you can work something out when you go to the dr. CBD oil is helpful for so many things. Maybe you could tell your mom she is being a bad@$$ for taking it.  ;)

Sorry about the mower. Hopefully, a new battery will put everything right.

I also hope the cousins can come for a "visit". I am sure you will feel more comfortable. However, she is able to make her own decisions. Let her live her life as she sees fit. I know it's not what you would choose. We can't control everything in our lives and she has the right to make mistakes. She will have to live with the consequences. Putting her in a home will not make it easier on you. You just won't have to look at her and her behaviors. You will still worry tho'.

Anjae, I am glad you liked the site. It is full of great remedies. But you have to try some to find what will work with individual body chemistry.
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #36 on: May 02, 2018, 08:00:23 AM »
Thank you Learning.

Well I did buy a new battery, took out the old one and installed the new one myself and my good girl started right up.  ;D Was able to get the yard mowed, a fence taken down, and a tree trimmed all in one evening. Farm girls don't quit!  ;)

My cousins are going to "come for a visit" during that week. I'm so very blessed that they are doing this.  They know how Mom is as she has inadvertently "outed" herself when they talk on the phone. We all wish we lived closer, but it is what it is.

Dr's appointment is tomorrow. We will see what happens. I really want to go over the state line to get some real CBD oil. I have a feeling what I bought on line isn't up to snuff. Mom says it only last for about an hour and she won't take more as she is a little afraid of it.  But then again, I really do not want to get arrested!  :o

H still continues to lurk on the outskirts. Seriously its like having three children to care for. I need some adult conversation!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #37 on: May 02, 2018, 08:49:32 PM »
After my knee replacement, when I could not tolerate all the heavy duty opines...and indeed was still in a great deal of pain, CBD oil worked amazingly well! Within 5 minutes the pain had diminished and I was able to sleep soundly for several hours. I did not experience anything other than pain relief and tranquility.

Of course I live in a state where marijuana is legal.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #38 on: May 03, 2018, 07:45:53 AM »
XYCZF I would love to try it. We live 30 minutes away from a state where it is legal and it is so tempting to run over and get some........I've heard really good things about it.

We have a doctors appointment this afternoon. Hoping for the best!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2018, 11:44:16 AM »
Ok so its been over a month since I've posted. Wow, where does the time go?

Chaotic at the moment. My Mom has been having some issues and the last episode resulting in my taking her to the ER on the advice of her doctor and she was admitted to the "Behavior Health Unit" which is a nice name for the Psychiatric Unit. That was on the 23rd. She is still there......

Psychiatrist thought her psychotic break was the result of an undiagnosed UTI and a major depressive issue and that he could snap her out of it in 4 or 5 days. Fast forward to today, hallucinations are still active, delusions are still active, she is still dis-oriented as to time and space and none of the drug cocktails are working. He thinks that it is Dementia with Lewy Bodies.  :( :'( :'( :'(   He thinks that perhaps the issues have been there for a while and that we've just been coping. (frog in the hot water anyone?) Dealing with this has almost put me in the psych ward.... :o :o :P

It makes me angry as I have been asking her Doctor for the last year or so if this is the beginning of dementia and she has always said "Oh, no, this is a med reaction" or "this is just depression" or "this is just old age." We could have started some treatments a year ago if we would have gotten a diagnosis.  >:(

I've been scrambling to get her Medicaid approved so she can be moved into a facility. Right now she thinks she's in jail.  :( I can only visit between 6-8 pm, cannot bring her dog to see her, can't bring any treats to her, can't bring my phone to show her pictures.....its very hard on both of us. No wonder she thinks she's in jail!

The environment is chaotic, lots of doors slamming, people talking loud or yelling, lots of wandering back and forth in the hallways and everything in the room is bolted to the floor and very stark and utilitarian. Its not a good place for her to try and get some semblance of balance or normalcy. All the windows are frosted for privacy, although there is some courtyard time during the day. I would be anxious in that place let alone someone who is confused and having hallucinations!

I miss my Mom. Its very weird to be mourning someone who is still alive but I am. I miss her at home. Even S15 with whom she had a contentious relationship with misses her. What a mess..........

Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Online Mitzpah

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5870
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2018, 03:49:27 PM »
I am so sorry SF :( that must be so difficult.

I guess you just need to work with the doctors and the powers that be and get her into some kind of facility where she will be better cared for.

I hope you are getting some kind of down time every now and again - this must be exhaustive
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2248
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #41 on: June 06, 2018, 05:08:31 PM »
Oh this makes me so sad, SF.  I'm sorry that things have reached this level.  I hope that they can get her into a great care facility.  (((HUGS)))
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Ready2Transform

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7580
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #42 on: June 06, 2018, 05:10:07 PM »
Hugs, SF. I'm so sorry for all of you.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #43 on: June 06, 2018, 07:10:29 PM »
I am so sorry, Slow Fade.

Understand how frustranting this is. But the truth is, ofthen signs are similar in many health issues/it is hard to know what is what.

Hope you can find her a good care home.

I miss my still alive paternal grandmother that has Alzeimer's. The person we knew is gone.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline riverbirch

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2856
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #44 on: June 06, 2018, 07:28:31 PM »
I'm sorry you are going through this. It may be the best move for both of you. It does suck. I know.

I too am living still on the edge with you know who. It's even worse when we need them the most and they are too involved in themselves.
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet
Home 2019,rebuilding

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #45 on: June 07, 2018, 07:56:12 AM »
Thank you Mitzpah, FaithWalker, R2T, Anjae, and River.

I know its easy to say coulda, woulda, shoulda, but the reality is that hindsight is always 20/20. We have to deal in the here and now.

Quote
I hope you are getting some kind of down time every now and again - this must be exhaustive
  Thank you Mitzpah. Actually we have been planning our first family vacation since before bomb-drop. I just have to push through the fear, obligation and guilt about being away from my Mom, but I will still be able to call everyday and let her know we didn't abandon her. I know she's scared and confused, but in her right mind she would want us to go I think.  :-\

Quote
I miss my still alive paternal grandmother that has Alzeimer's. The person we knew is gone.
  Yes. The Mother I knew is also gone. It is a horrific and insidious disease, this wasting of the mind.  :(

Quote
It's even worse when we need them the most and they are too involved in themselves.
I know River. I'm glad I learned here not to raise my expectations too high and I've learned how strong I can be. It sucks, but as we like to say around here, it is what it is.

I hope we can get her into a decent facility as well. Living in a resort community makes it very hard to find medicaid placement. Too many people retiring to the area and then needing care later on. If the first placement isn't great, I will continue to put in for nicer places for when a bed becomes available. At least in any facility, I will be able to bring her little dog in for a visit, bring her treats, visit her more often at more convenient times and take her out for day trips now and then.

Right now she is depressed and sad and just wants to go home. Breaks my heart.  :'(




Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2018, 06:11:00 PM »
At least in any facility, I will be able to bring her little dog in for a visit, bring her treats, visit her more often at more convenient times and take her out for day trips now and then.

You will.

Right now she is depressed and sad and just wants to go home. Breaks my heart.  :'(

Hard it is, you will need to prepare for your mum to be broken hearted and more depressed when she finds out she is not going home, but to a care home. My paternal grandmother does not know where she is, she either thinks she is a child and is at her home town, or here, in her house, when she first moved here in the early 60s.

I think she no longer recalls she lived in the capital for decades. And, when she remembers them, she thinks her children are alive. My dad died nearly 10 years ago and my aunt about 5 years ago.

The worst with her is that she is physically abusive, she harmed another lady during the night and tends to get very, very angry, agitated and violent. The illness is doing terrible things to her.  :(
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2018, 06:47:52 PM »
I am so sorry slow fade....more for you to have to cope with.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #48 on: June 20, 2018, 06:19:29 PM »
Hi SF, sorry for all you have been going thru. My mother had an allergic reaction to percocet. She was prescribed it for pain and was hospitalized for the pain. She became disoriented. I called the nurses station to ask how she was and I was told "she's confused as always". I told the nurse my mother is never confused.  >:( That's when they figured out the allergic reaction. It took a month for it to clear out of her system.

The up side was she became nice. I was told it also flip flops their disposition. I had a month where I really enjoyed being with her. LOL
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #49 on: June 21, 2018, 08:12:55 AM »
Thank you Anjae, XYCZF, Learning......

Mom is now in a very lovely assisted living facility. We couldn't have asked for more in a place. I actually want to live there!  :o  Beautiful grounds, a private apartment with her own bathroom, meals, laundry and cleaning services. The community shower room (so people can be assisted) is huge with soft lighting, a walk in tub, a walk in shower with multiple jets........amazing amenities for a place that accepts Medicaid.......

She is starting to accept her situation albeit not without some sadness and tears. I think it will be amazing for her to have people to be around, activities to go to, people who make sure she eats and takes her meds.........but the loss of some independence and "freedom" makes her weepy.

Quote
The up side was she became nice. I was told it also flip flops their disposition. I had a month where I really enjoyed being with her. LOL
This made me laugh! My Mom can be quite difficult at times as well!  ;) ;D I wish that the hallucinations and delusions were just med related, but we are going down a different path at this stage in life.  :(  We are just trying to play the hand we have been dealt with as much grace and acceptance as we can.

Quote
The illness is doing terrible things to her.  :(
It is an insidious illness. Would it be horrible to say you almost wish it was cancer or a heart attack or a major stroke rather than this slow loss of who the person was?

Another difficult think was that one of my co-workers' 16 year old son committed suicide last week. The funeral was on my birthday. Seeing his father throw himself on the casket sobbing "don't take my son, don't take my son." was not the birthday celebration one wants to experience. The fact that I have a 15 year old son made it especially horrific. 

Hopefully things will settle down? We can always hope!


Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Reallytrying

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3340
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #50 on: June 21, 2018, 08:21:51 AM »
Oh I am so sorry. As someone with an almost 16 year old myself I cannot imagine that experience in my birthday. We went to a funeral for a friend of D earlier this year - it was heartbreaking. I’m sorry about Mom too but it sounds like she is in a good place for now.

I really hope you enjoy your family vacation and get some much needed stress relief.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6456
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #51 on: June 21, 2018, 09:22:46 AM »
Good news about your Mum but yes it’s a cruel illness.
And I am so sorry about your friend’s son. As I have grieved hard, it has amazed me that my xh chose to essentially ‘kill off’ everyone he had loved for almost 20 years. Hard to comprehend when we see the raw pain of loss like that isn’t it? Just makes me want to hold my friends and loved ones closer but perhaps MLCers don’t grieve as we do?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #52 on: July 09, 2018, 08:32:45 AM »
Thank you Reallytrying, Treasur.

My Mom is starting to settle in to her new place. She doesn't like the loss of independence, but she knows she needs to be there for now.

H is still here.......he really is starting to act like a grumpy old man however.......sometimes I have to laugh behind my hand because he reminds me of my grandfather sometimes! He was thinking about cancelling our trip to Yellowstone in a couple of weeks because he saw that there would be a lot of people and the lines would be long...... ::)  I don't know what he was thinking it would be like to visit a National Park in the middle of summer!  ;D

Wish me luck. I will be cooped up with H, S15 and SS38 in an RV for 6 days. In Grizzly bear country.  :o :-\ ;)

On a more serious note, one of H's friends who he was spending a LOT of time with partying, camping and chasing women with at BD (to include the ow) committed suicide last week. Jumped off of a pretty high bridge. They just found the body.  I can tell it really shook H to the core, but he won't talk much about it. Just says, "these things happen". Still running around somewhere in the tunnel I think. Close to the edge but afraid to really come out.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #53 on: July 09, 2018, 10:25:25 AM »
Good luck with your trip SF,

Hopefully your son will enjoy it and it’ll probably make him happy that you’re all going as a family.

Glad you’ve found somewhere for your Mum. My mum was in a care home the last few years but I made the long journey to visit her every week and take her things.

So sorry to hear about your H’s friend. What a waste and awful for his family that he left behind! My H went through a suicidal phase about 4 years ago but luckily he reached out and we all rallied to help him. He just keeps going round and round now, back into replay with yet another woman!!!

X


Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #54 on: July 15, 2018, 10:19:59 AM »
HI SF! Just catching up. I am delighted that your are comfortable with your mom's living arrangements. That really takes a load off of you.

I hope you are in Yellowstone and having fun. You deserve it. Hope the grizzlies aren't knocking on your door.  ;D

I am so sorry that you had 2 suicides touch your life. It happens so often.  A very dear friend of mine's sister also killed herself in June. She was 62 and took an overdose. It is so senseless at any age. 
trying2bok

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #55 on: July 15, 2018, 03:06:30 PM »
Hope you're having fun in Yellowstone and no grizzlies around.

I am sorry to hear about your husband's friend.

Some people don't talk much about things. What your husband said doens't mean he is still running around in his tunnel, just that it may his way of processing things.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #56 on: July 16, 2018, 09:44:43 AM »
Thank you Serenity,  Learning and Anjae....

I'm still thinking about the fact that we are going to be camping on top of a volcano, surrounded by grizzly bears.... :o :o :o

Serenity, sorry that your husband is still replaying.  :'( I spend a lot of time at my Mom's care facility and I take her things as well. I bring her home during the day sometimes just to get her away and so she can see her little dog. So far, so good. She still thinks she will be able to come home for good and drive again. She doesn't know her diagnosis. The neuro-psychiatrist recommended that we don't tell her because she can't change it, it won't get better, and he doesn't believe in taking away hope. Its tough...... :'(

Learning good to hear from you.  :) There has been such an increase in suicides......its frightening how people can be so devoid of hope or in such emotional pain. I wish I had some answers or solutions......if the grizzlies come knocking, I only have to be faster than H!  ;) ;D

Anjae I'm glad you don't think he may still be in the tunnel. He is such a different person its hard to get used to the new version. I'm different too, so I guess we are still getting to know one another. Its weird to be married for 20 years and yet feel like you just married a stranger yesterday!  ;)
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #57 on: July 16, 2018, 04:49:59 PM »
I'm still thinking about the fact that we are going to be camping on top of a volcano, surrounded by grizzly bears.... :o :o :o

Sounds adventurous, fun and a little dangerous.  ;D

He is such a different person its hard to get used to the new version. I'm different too, so I guess we are still getting to know one another. Its weird to be married for 20 years and yet feel like you just married a stranger yesterday!  ;)

If your husband is such a different person I think it may be safe to say he is out of the tunnel. Which differences to you notice? How are you different?

We read a lot that if the couple reconciles they wil have to get to know one another, again but don't read much how it is like. Can you tell us more?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #58 on: July 17, 2018, 08:25:23 AM »
Anjae, H is more "himself" I would say. He used to be kind of silly, impulsive and over the top friendly. He would put on the persona of whoever he was around at the time...he would be interested in what you were interested in but he would go over the top with it. It would almost become an obsession. For example, I love horses. When we got together, he said he did too and all of a sudden he is wearing Levi jeans, bought a Stetson hat and was buying all kinds of western things to include a horse of his own!  :o  It was obvious as soon as he got on the horse that he really didn't know what he was doing, but I put it down to having been a long time since he rode. (I didn't know he NEVER rode  ::)) I was blindly in love and didn't really see any of this at the time. Hindsight is sure 20/20!  ::) :P

Now H is more "mature".  He is not as impulsive and he is not afraid to say that he doesn't like something or that he would rather not do this or that. He is more his own man and isn't afraid to say what he thinks without regard to whether you agree or not.  He is not as carefree and silly as he used to be, but he is more authentic. You can see it in his eyes. He is more sure of himself, as himself. Its hard to explain and I'm still getting to know this man. I know I like it and respect it more.

Myself? I'm sooooo less trusting than I ever was but at the same time I'm more sure of myself. I don't need his approval to do what I want. I will ask his advice, but I know I don't need to take it. I know I can do things on my own, I know I can live by myself and I know I don't need anyone else to "complete" me.

I am also more thoughtful before I speak. I have learned that I don't need the last word on a subject and that I don't need to convince someone to see things my way. ( I'm sorry you feel that way......ring a bell?  ;D ) I have also learned to question comments or actions that make me uncomfortable rather than ruminate on them and make up all kinds of scenarios in my head. I just come right out and ask now. I also speak up when I'm angry instead of just thinking that he should "know" that I'm mad. This allows us to have actual conversations and resolve issues before they morph into a huge problem.  I guess the best way to describe it is that I'm not afraid anymore.

I have a cute black and hot pink tank top that says "Fierce" on it. I would say that about sums it up! I am now Fierce!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #59 on: July 17, 2018, 03:42:16 PM »
Thank you, Slow Fade.

What you wrote makes sense and matches what the articles say.

People will change, but, at the same time, remain themselves.

I just use OK. Even in its Portuguese equivalent "I'm sorry you feel that way." sounds too weird. Crisis Mr J doesn't like that OK at all. He thinks I am not being be. Once I had to explain him that a lot has happend and lot has changed. His reply was: I understand.

I have a cute black and hot pink tank top that says "Fierce" on it. I would say that about sums it up! I am now Fierce!

LOVE IT!  :) :)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #60 on: July 17, 2018, 03:53:21 PM »
 
Quote
"I'm sorry you feel that way." sounds too weird.

I remember when I tried this with my Mom when we were having a disagreement.

I said "I'm sorry you feel that way." and she said "No, I don't think you really are sorry!"

I almost laughed out loud! Touche Mom!   ;D ;D ;D

Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #61 on: July 17, 2018, 04:04:30 PM »
I remember when I tried this with my Mom when we were having a disagreement.

I said "I'm sorry you feel that way." and she said "No, I don't think you really are sorry!"

I almost laughed out loud! Touche Mom!   ;D ;D ;D

Smart mum.  ;D ;D ;D
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #62 on: July 17, 2018, 04:57:31 PM »
Quote
if the grizzlies come knocking, I only have to be faster than H!  ;)

Ha! I hope he doesn't guess your game plan. ;D

Yes, we are all so different than when we started this grand adventure. I am delighted that you and your H have found your voices. It is so important to get things out in the open. I feel you will slowly carve out your new relationship and it will be Slow Fade and Super Glue 2.0.

It's good that your mom can get away and feel normal also. I hope that she holds onto that hope and keeps having some quality of life.
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #63 on: July 18, 2018, 09:35:40 AM »
Quote
Slow Fade and Super Glue 2.0.
  Awww yes. Super Glue! I only wish I could find a glue for my fake nails that would cling as well!  ;)

Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #64 on: September 10, 2018, 09:55:11 AM »
Just thought I'd check in. My Mom is now in assisted living which is better for all of us, I just wish I could convince her of that.  :P She has been diagnosed with Lewy Body Disease, but we haven't told her that on the advice of her psychiatrist. He told us to never take away hope.  She is fretting over the loss of her independence and missing her little dog (who can't live with her). I visit or talk to her everyday, bring her home once in a while and take the dog to visit her when I can. Its a whole different level of stress, guilt and second guessing myself!  ::) Does it ever end?  :-\

On the MLC front, the vacation was a success. We had a great time. H, however did ask me to sleep in one of the other beds in the RV as he was not getting any sleep with both of us in a smaller bed. I forget that even if things were perfect it still takes getting used to sleeping together when you've slept alone for the better part of 6 years.

 H is still working in a town 3  hours away and coming home on weekends. He communicates several times a day and is as much a part of our life as he can be while working away. Is it ideal? No, but when is life ever ideal? I would prefer more physical intimacy, but ever since his prostate surgery, he doesn't seem to want ANY touch at all. I'm still learning how to deal with this. Having to ask for it is very damaging to my self-esteem so I don't.  When you are a middle aged woman struggling to lose weight and keep the wrinkles at bay, having your H not interested in physical intimacy (even hand holding and hugs) is really, really hard. It makes me vulnerable to male attention unfortunately.  :P

S15 is 6'1 and 185 pounds now. He's in driver's ed and is being really helpful around the house. He's still keeping his father at arms length which is sad, but not surprising. I try to tell H that closeness is developed in the trivial moments; the "just being there" moments; the dinners shared every night, the good night hugs each night; the impromptu conversations in front of the tv; the drives to and from school each day. H still doesn't get it. To him his job is more important right now. Still living in his own head. He is missing out on so much and he will regret it some day. But I don't know if he will ever own his part in it.......

H fell off of a semi truck bed and knocked himself out. An ambulance ride, xrays and CT scan showed a nasty concussion and deep bruises. He's lucky he didn't rotate enough to break his neck. Its surprising he didn't break an arm while he was at it. I think it caused him to realize that he's not 20 anymore and doesn't bounce well!  ;) But it was scary. I could have been a widow in the blink of an eye. He brushes it off as not that big of a deal, but I think it scared him.

I hope this doesn't discourage any of our standers......I am very grateful that my marriage is still intact even if it still has some areas that need work. I still love my broken husband.



 
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #65 on: September 10, 2018, 11:51:13 AM »
Quote
I hope this doesn't discourage any of our standers......I am very grateful that my marriage is still intact even if it still has some areas that need work. I still love my broken husband.

Thanks for sharing...I still love my broken husband too  :-[ but he has completed rejected that love.

I know that whether they are home or gone forever, we are forever broken too. I also unfortunately see in some of my very close friend's marriages, some really horrible relationships and also a lack of intimacy. My friends are hurt by their husband's lack of interest in them physically....

Sooooooo.....sometimes the thought actually goes through my mind, that not having to deal with a husband who has changed so much from the man I loved...when I see the pain in my friends.....none of this is good.

Your love for him, for your family...your mom...that is what and how perhaps you can feel satisfied.....and may God give you all the wisdom you need for each of them...and the ability to withstand these storms of life as you always do with deep care and kindness.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2018, 11:52:14 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #66 on: September 10, 2018, 07:43:29 PM »
Hi SF! I am glad to hear that the vacation went well. No grizzlies came a knockin'. I guess you won't know which of you is more fleet afoot. LOL

I can't believe the size of your son. I so remember you telling us when he turned 13, and now he is driving? Where does the time go? Glad he is such a help to you.

I am relieved that your H survived the fall. Life is so precious. You just never know what's around the corner. I am sorry that he can't bring himself to be more affectionate. The simple hand holding and hugs are terribly important to women. Why men have such a fear of something so warm and innocent is bewildering.

I am glad that your mom is in the assisted living. Please don't have guilt over it. Just like when you did something with your son that you knew was best for him, even if he didn't agree. It lets you sleep at night knowing you has round the clock caretakers. I've been there. It was such a relief not worrying if my mom would take a fall or become ill while alone.

You are making the best decisions possible. You always do. Trust your gut. No second guessing. You are not the timid creature you were at the beginning of MLC. You know how to manage things and get the best outcome you can. I'd let you borrow my superhero cape, but I just sent it out to be cleaned.  ;D
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #67 on: September 12, 2018, 10:25:22 AM »
Quote
and may God give you all the wisdom you need for each of them...and the ability to withstand these storms of life as you always do with deep care and kindness.

Thank you XYZCF, that means a lot to me....the message that keeps popping up to me in various ways lately is "Bless the Broken Road". It really applies. There is no strength without pain.....and I know there is ultimately a plan and a reason. God Bless you and many, many hugs.

Quote
No grizzlies came a knockin'. I guess you won't know which of you is more fleet afoot. LOL
Learning you always make me laugh! No, no grizzlies but we did have Bison in our campground. You had to take a peek when you left the RV to make sure they weren't too close. That was interesting! We saw a LOT of wildlife and even a black bear eating berries next to the road. S15 and I got out and took a quick picture. There were other people out there that I was pretty sure we could outrun!  ;) ;D

Quote
You are not the timid creature you were at the beginning of MLC. You know how to manage things and get the best outcome you can. I'd let you borrow my superhero cape, but I just sent it out to be cleaned.  ;D

Thank you! Nothing like trial by fire!  ::) I've learned so much and it applies to so many things...will I be thankful for MLC? NO WAY! But sometimes you have to look for the good among the thorns. Even roses have thorns. Are they less beautiful for it?

And I miss my Mom. She is not the same Mom I grew up with. This is a horrible disease. I would take MLC 10 times over Lewy Body dementia...... :'( :'(
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #68 on: September 14, 2018, 05:39:24 PM »
It is so painful to watch a loved go thru such difficulties. You are being a role model to your son on how to handle these types of things. I am sure that he is watching and storing your responses to this away for future reference.

Things like this are to be met head on. You are doing just that by making hard decisions that are in the best interest of your mom.

Big hugs to you. I hope that you are able to carve out some down time for yourself.
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #69 on: November 02, 2018, 08:15:14 AM »
Just checking back in. Not much has changed. Still living life one day at a time. My Mom's hallucinations and delusions are ramping up. She thinks that my deceased father is having an affair with one of the CNA's there. She thinks that they have had a baby and are living next door to her (in a room that doesn't exist) She also still thinks that my Dad sleeps in her bed which makes her go and sleep in her chair as she doesn't want him around. She thinks the staff is "in on it" when it comes to my Dad and it makes her very agitated.

My Dad did have an affair when I was about 5 or 6 and they were separated for a couple of years at that time. Its amazing how far reaching the damage is. It still resonates in her broken brain after all these years. Society tends to make light of affairs with no understanding of how much damage is done  to the betrayed........ :(

H is still managing. I see the depression now. Rarely smiles, irritable, no interest in things, sleeps a lot.........I wish he would see someone about it but he would never admit that he might need a little help. He is still trying to break through to S15 but S15 is having none of it. Its almost like refereeing siblings sometimes. I told H that I can't fix what he broke so I was stepping away to let them work it out between them.   :P

As for me, I'm having my hair done regularly, losing weight (on purpose this time  ::)) joined Stitch-fix to change out my Walmart wardrobe for something more classy and recently had my eyebrows done and my lashes lifted and dyed. Life is short. Take care of yourself.  8)

 My next appointment is to a rhuematologist who specializes in inflammation to get a plan for protecting my body and my brain as much as possible. My Mom, and her parents all had dementia; it scares me.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2122
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #70 on: November 03, 2018, 03:07:18 PM »
Slow, just to let you know I'm following. Nice to hear you're taking care of yourself. That is important and very nice for you.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #71 on: November 03, 2018, 06:11:08 PM »
Sorry to hear your mum is getting worst.

Husband could need help, but it does not look like he will get it.

Glad that you are having me time and looking after yourself.

My next appointment is to a rhuematologist who specializes in inflammation to get a plan for protecting my body and my brain as much as possible.

Very wise.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #72 on: November 14, 2018, 05:35:00 PM »
Hi SF! Sorry to hear about your mom. I posted the following article in a message to you on FB. Not sure where you will find it first.

https://www.healthyfoodhouse.com/82-year-old-woman-with-dementia-gets-her-memory-back-after-changing-her-diet/
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #73 on: November 15, 2018, 08:03:13 AM »
Thank you Milly, Anjae and Learning.

Learning I really like that article. I'm making changes and sticking with them. The hardest has been the exercise.   :P At least we have standing desks at work now so I'm not sitting 8 hours a day.  ;)

S15 opened up to me about what H did and admitted that he's afraid to go places alone with his Dad for fear his Dad will be meeting up with someone again. I told S15 that he's not that scared 8 year old little boy anymore, that he has a voice and a choice and that if it happened again he was to walk out, call me and I would come and get him. He seemed to feel better about that.

I spoke to H about what S15 said and he said "that was a long time ago, he should be over it by now." I told him that the pain and the scars from betrayal by the one person  you never thought would betray you run deep and you don't "just get over it". I told him I had some of those same issues. I told him that what he did to his son was probably the worst thing he could have ever done. After 4 years home, he still doesn't get it.   ::) :P
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #74 on: November 15, 2018, 08:27:51 AM »
Hello SF,

Gosh that’s so sad and awful and you must feel so many emotions that your H still appears to have no clue or empathy towards either of you!

You must feel like hitting him? Your poor son. At least he has a wonderful and caring mum!

X

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #75 on: November 15, 2018, 08:33:06 AM »
Its funny you should mention hitting Serenity.....S15 asked me if he could punch his Dad if he ever did this again and I said "You have my permission".  ;D ;D ;D

Yes it is frustrating and lonely at times, especially now that I have to deal with my Mom's challenges but I just can't see having any other man in my life right now.  :-\

I have 5 or 6 years until retirement and by then I hope S15 is well on his way to his own life so we will see what happens then.  8)
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #76 on: November 15, 2018, 11:45:23 AM »
It’s a very hard situation for you and probably a lot of LBS’s envy you that you have your H home! But what do you actually have except a severely depresssed man that offers you little to no support. I do wonder if that’s even worth having! Sorry if I’m out of line saying that!

But when I look at my own H he seems so broken and weak both mentally and physically and seems easily pushed around and controlled by other people. It shocks me that this was the man I looked up to all those years we were together!

The whole thing is just awful

Hugs

X

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #77 on: November 15, 2018, 11:52:55 AM »
You aren't out of line Serenity. Not at all. Truth is truth.  :-*

They don't always come back whole. But for me, this is what love looks like. I've stood with him through the death of his parents, loss of jobs, his cancer and now this. For me, Love is a verb. Its all I can do.

If he became clinically depressed without the infidelity, would I abandon him? No, I would be there just the same. But it is MY choice. It may not work for everyone. Sometimes I have to admit that it doesn't work for me, but God picks me up, dusts me off and we keep going.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #78 on: November 15, 2018, 12:12:07 PM »
I take my hat of to you SF.

What you’re doing is so hard and your H is ssoooo lucky to have you and your love.

The deep love I had for my H has gone. I love him but not like I did. He’s just done too much damage and hurt me too much

Hugs

X

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #79 on: November 15, 2018, 04:19:24 PM »
Sorry S15 is afraid of going place alone with his dad for fear he may introduced to someone.

Husband is making progess, but still isn't aware of how his action impacted those around him.

They don't always come back whole.

More, they never come back whole. Unless the crisis has long ended.

If he became clinically depressed without the infidelity, would I abandon him? No, I would be there just the same.

Most often, it is the MLCer that abandon us. Mr J had been depressed twice before MLC, so have I. Those depression were caused by burnout. They were not like MLC.

Mr J didn't went anywhere, no OW, when Prozac made him angry he requested the doctor for a change of med, etc. To me, MLC and normal depression (clinical depression is a live long, complicated condition) are very different. I was there for Mr J's normal depression, as he was there for me.

But I am not there for his MLC. I dont want to, and even if I wanted to, there would be no way.

No envy from me. A depressed man is the last thing I need in my life.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #80 on: November 16, 2018, 07:44:21 AM »
Thank you Serenity and Anjae.

Anjae if I were in your shoes I wouldn't have done anything differently than what you have done. My H's MLC was on the mild spectrum I think. He replayed for a few years and then came back when things fell apart for him. Its certainly not an ideal situation for sure, but for right now its where I find myself content ( :-\ ???) to be for the time being.

The love I have for my husband has not been totally destroyed so I am still here.........hopefully he will continue to climb out of the miry pit that is MLC.......
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #81 on: November 16, 2018, 04:00:19 PM »
I read your update and I wanted to respond...but couldn't find the right words...I do not know what is better....to be with them while they are still in crisis or to be apart as I have been for so long...all I know is that this "thing" takes years and just when you think, this it is, they are totally done with me, they show up again and again confusing the heck out of you...no logic or reason.....

but this slowfade

Quote
The love I have for my husband has not been totally destroyed so I am still here.........hopefully he will continue to climb out of the miry pit that is MLC......
.

struck me....for no matter what, I still have that love for my husband as well and a very small hope, that someday he will emerge again and that we might still have some time left together still.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5029
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #82 on: November 16, 2018, 06:49:57 PM »
It is heartwarming to hear you're doing this for you, we all have to look after ourselves during the crisis and if more people actually understood  MLC is not something our spouses planned on doing, were so overwhelmed and filled with all the wrong internal dialogue, enough that they did and said things a person who had balanced brain chemistry would not, there may be a lot more reconciliations.

I agree with what Stayed said - If we had to put up with 2-7 years of bad behavior from our spouses after spending 20+ years with them already, it is mostly something we would choose to do, as these men are unwell, responsible for their actions - yes, but extremely unwell and if we leave them to their crisis and let them know we are here for them, eventually they will find their way home.

It all takes longer than any of us would like but t have a marriage restored and better than it used to be is probably worth the wait in a majority of cases.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #83 on: November 22, 2018, 04:57:01 AM »
Slow Fade, kudos to you for being able to hold it together and hang in there thru your H's MLC. I knew I didn't have it in me, or I was happy that he was out of my life. I didn't feel happy in the beginning. Plenty of tears and stress and fear. But I think this was the best outcome for ME.

I was freed from an emotionally unavailable man. I tried for 30 years to be the best wife I could be. I had a lot of different therapists over those years trying to figure out how to improve our M. Sadly, I was the only one working for it.

I hope you continue to have strength and persevere.
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #84 on: February 01, 2019, 08:28:51 AM »
Thank you to those who are still with me; Its been a while since I've posted. Life tends to get in the way!  ;)

My Mom still continues in her delusions about my deceased father being alive and having children with a CNA in her assisted living. We moved her to a different part of the facility, but the delusion persists. She talks about it all of the time and it just reminds me of all that H did when he was having his affair. (no children thank goodness!) It really makes it hard to move forward and put the past behind me.  :P

She is pestering me to "get her out of this place" and to bring her car to her so she can drive and go shopping. Both of which the Dr. has said no to, but she won't accept it. She thinks she is just in a convalescent center until she gets better then she will be back to "normal". The lack of insight into her condition makes it very stressful.  :(

I'm beginning to get used to  :-\ ??? :P the lack of physical intimacy in my marriage. Whether its the prostate surgery or the depression or both that play a part is up for debate. It seems that it has taken not only his ability, but his desire as well.  :( When you aren't able to participate in sex, it seems like you see sex everywhere! TV shows, books, advertising........ugh. And no, he's not into "toys" or massages or just petting. Heck I can barely get him to hold my hand! I feel old before my time.  :(

Add to that the fact that at my age the weight just doesn't seem to want to leave. It has found a comfortable home and eviction proceedings just aren't working!  ;D I feel like an old widow with a comfortable lap for grand kids that I don't have! The good news is that the rheumatologist has given me a clean bill of health. No inflammation. His recommendation is the Mediterranean diet and keep moving. Gee, tell me something I didn't know! Sigh.

S15, who was S10 when I came here is now going to be S16! With a drivers license!  :o :o :o He is a delight and has been such a comfort to me, although I try not to lean on him emotionally at all. He has a sarcastic wit, a big heart and also some of H's black and white, cut and dried logic about him. Interesting combination.

My DNA information has been updated and it turns out that I'm English, Scottish, Irish with a touch of Norwegian thrown in for good measure. Lots of holidays I can celebrate ethnic-wise! S15 is mostly Norwegian so he has been embracing his heritage. We've been watching Vikings together. Such a good show. So going to miss that kid when he flies the nest.

H is still in the picture. He helps out a lot logistically and I find myself feeling secure and comfortable when he's home. Status for now. When S15 launches, who knows? I could end up being the crazy chicken lady with the big-a$$ German Shepherd or we could have a nice retirement. His health isn't the best right now so I could be a widow as well. Roll the dice and see what happens.

I don't want to depress those who are praying for marriage restoration. I believe, even in these circumstances, being with the man I love is so much better than starting over. We have a child, history, vows, faith and friendship. Yes, and I believe love as well. Just not love as the world sees love. Love is an action not a feeling and he is showing love the best way he can right now. 

Hugs to everyone, keep the faith. All is not lost!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2528
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #85 on: February 01, 2019, 08:47:12 AM »
Thank you so much for the update, Slow Fade!

Quote
I don't want to depress those who are praying for marriage restoration. I believe, even in these circumstances, being with the man I love is so much better than starting over. We have a child, history, vows, faith and friendship. Yes, and I believe love as well. Just not love as the world sees love. Love is an action not a feeling and he is showing love the best way he can right now.

I sense your contentment, being thankful for what you have, not striving for perfect (whatever that is) relationship, and not asking for what he is not able to give right now.  Is it correct to say that ‘it’s never enough’ is not in your vocabulary? 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #86 on: February 01, 2019, 09:10:19 AM »
 
Quote
Is it correct to say that ‘it’s never enough’ is not in your vocabulary?

This is accurate. I do believe that happiness is within each of us regardless of circumstances.....and the simple fact is that I still love him.......I will fight to the end.......too old to begin again am I....(to quote Yoda!! )  ;D ;D
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #87 on: February 01, 2019, 09:16:18 AM »
Thank you for your complete honesty.

Your husband is changed, greatly and deeply...yet there you are...willing and loving and doing what a spouse does.

You have a "family"...your husband, you and your son can be together and share life, holidays, special events as well as when things go wrong. I would take that in a minute.

I am presently having an issue with my house....I've had consults with structural engineers and contractors but it isn't clear how to fix it..and the fix may make it worse...oh I am capable of making a decision about it, capable of paying for repairs but...how I wish I could talk to my husband who knows far more than I ever will about how things work.....on so many things, his input would always help me to feel at peace and not worried that if I make the wrong decision...well, if we made the wrong decision, that was ok.

I know that you and your faithfulness is worth so much in these days where we throw away things that don't suit..God bless you.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #88 on: February 01, 2019, 09:25:30 AM »
Oh xyzcf I so wish your husband would come to his senses. Or I wish I could take away the pain.  :'( Unfortunately that's not for us but for God.

I get what you are saying. I learned so much about what I could do and grew confident in my own decisions, but I did miss the consulting and discussing and alternate viewpoints that came with bouncing things off my H. I have that back and I'm grateful but its like pulling a turtles head out of a shell to get him to actually say what he thinks.

Quote
I know that you and your faithfulness is worth so much in these days where we throw away things that don't suit..God bless you.
  Thank you but its in God's strength, not mine. I was close to letting go a number of times and was always pulled back. God's word to me during this time was "wait". So I did. Time is short; the world is barreling into a place we could never have imagined and its not a good thing. All I want is to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant." And get the biggest hug ever from the lover of my soul!!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2528
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #89 on: February 01, 2019, 09:50:20 AM »
Time is short

This is the truth.  I, in my 50’s, have no time to waste on dilly dallying with the idea of  ‘my ideal marriage’ but be thankful for what I have been given here and now.  Your post really spoke to me, Fade, and thank you for that. 

Looking back, it was God who carried me when I could not walk, let alone stand, and gave me the strength to walk on my own two feet when He deemed it was right time to set me down. 
« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 09:52:59 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #90 on: February 01, 2019, 09:53:53 AM »
Thank you Acorn.

I've found that even if you have what you may think is the "perfect" relationship (which I did prior to BD....) all it takes is an accident, an illness, a diagnosis and life changes in an instant. Nothing is guaranteed. Happiness is from within, not from circumstances. A lesson our MLC'rs have a hard time learning!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #91 on: February 01, 2019, 11:14:19 AM »
Hi Slow Fade,

Thank you for keeping updating us. You sound good. I am sorry your mum is not getting better.

Your husband is a very lucky man. Happiness does come from within.

A marriage without intimacy? Not sure I could do it, unless I had marry with a friend and the deal was we were just friends. I do know an illness can put an end to intimacy , but, if that was the case and I needed intimacy I would tell my husband I would be looking for it elsewhere. He would, of course, have the same right if the illness had affected me. I am not talking about a temporary situation, but a permanent one.

The above does not relate to happiness, but need.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Mitzpah

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5870
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #92 on: February 01, 2019, 01:17:40 PM »
SF,

I am happy to see that you and your h. are still walking the road together. May God bless you both!

As for the intimacy issue, I cannot imagine how hard that has to be - I know that I find myself having a similar path of thought as in maybe this is the way it is going to be from now on. I endeavor to count my blessings and look on the improved relationship with the kids as a great blessing and maybe the legacy of this stand.

It must be difficult with your mom. My mother is not so bad, but it becoming quite needy and is beginning to be a challenge. She still lives alone and drives (yikes!!) but calls me daily at the most inconvenient times on Skype at work, there is no telling her that I can't talk right now..., she just tractors on ::)  - sometimes I just disconnect her (really disconnect, otherwise she calls back immediately :P generally to tell me that she is feeling the heat or the dog has a new trick! And I am in the middle of an international contract with my boss breathing down my neck :-\

Like you, I look forward to that glorious day! :)
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #93 on: February 01, 2019, 01:56:55 PM »
Several men experience ED issues..heck, there is now a whole culture that promotes various drugs used to treat ED that was never there before...does it mean that more men are experiencing ED?

From previous threads, it seems that some men were experiencing intimacy problems prior to their crisis...it may very well be something to live with...I would be sad to think, that anyone would leave a good marriage (prior to MLC for issues relating to intimacy) and that this would be a deal breaker.

I think that intimacy problems can be resolved and alternative ways of showing affection can be used but sometimes men just refuse to get treated or do something about the problem.

I know this from discussions with several friends my age whose husbands are not in crisis but whose marriages no longer have a physical aspect..it makes them very sad but doesn't mean they leave the marriage.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #94 on: February 01, 2019, 02:06:43 PM »
I would be sad to think, that anyone would leave a good marriage (prior to MLC for issues relating to intimacy) and that this would be a deal breaker.

It is a deal breaker for many. Smaller things that that end many marriages. We tend to forget LBS are a very special group of people. Many of us are willing to take back a MLCer.

I wouldn't leave a good marriage, but if the intimacy was no more, I would look for it elsewhere if I needed it. And, like I said, would let my husband know. No one should be deprived of intimacy they need because of spouse is no longer capable of providing it.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #95 on: February 01, 2019, 02:46:09 PM »
Maybe we need to define or separate intimacy into emotional and physical. To me, Love is more about emotional intimacy than physical intimacy.

The Greeks have at least three words for Love; Phillio or brotherly love, Eros or sexual love and  Agape or divine love. I can live without Eros or sexual intimacy. Its not the best situation, but I would rather have a greater intimacy with my H and strive for Agape love. I guess for me its not a deal breaker. I even told H that when he was diagnosed with cancer...........am I a prude or a cold fish? NOT AT ALL! Its hard to be celibate. Its hard to explain, but I find great intimacy in pursuing my H's mind and heart.

Again, if H were paraplegic would I leave because we could not have physical relations anymore? No. But everyone has to choose for themselves.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15684
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #96 on: February 01, 2019, 02:58:56 PM »
I can live without sex. I've been celibate for years. But, if I have a partner, I will want sex to be part of my life.

It would not be a deal breaker for me marriage wise, but if I wanted/needed sex and my husband couldn't provide it, I would look for it elsewhere.

Now, sex and intimacy aren't the same thing. Lots of people have sex, including one night stands, but there is no intimacy between them. A couple's intimacy usually includes sex. There are also many couples who have no sort of emotional intimacy.

Agape love is love for everyone. Pragma seems more in tone with what you have with your husband, SF.

https://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #97 on: February 01, 2019, 04:00:05 PM »
                                                        ;) :)
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #98 on: February 04, 2019, 06:47:01 PM »
Hi SF! So you have Viking roots. That's awesome! I still have lots of family in Norway. I am hoping to go for a visit this summer. I went a couple of years ago and learned so much. It's a beautiful country.

Sorry about the rather platonic relationship you have with your H. My xH never wanted to hold hands or cuddle when we were married. He would be willing to have sex, but I never considered it lovemaking. And then, I don't really remember when it happened, he started having trouble in that area. One of my girlfriends terms it "Assault with a dead weapon". LOL Seems to happen a lot. And those ED drugs have lots of side effects. I wouldn't recommend them.

As long as you are content with things, that's all that matters.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2019, 06:48:02 PM by LearningIamOk »
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #99 on: February 05, 2019, 08:05:26 AM »
Thank you Learning.....

Assault with a dead weapon..... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Good laugh this morning!

Yes, viking roots,with Irish and Scottish coming in second. All I can say is I guess you'd better not mess with me! Lol!  ;)  I always wondered how S15 came out blond/blue when I'm brown/brown. Recessive genes to the forefront!

I did find out that H tried one of the ED drugs. (I asked "with whom???  :o ) He said by himself..... :-\ :P  They gave him terrible headaches he said. Well, at least he tried.

There is a wrestler on WWE named Drew McIntyre. They call him the Scottish Psychopath.  Wow. I think I could get into the Scottish "culture". Lol!  ;)
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline LearningIamOk

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8195
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #100 on: February 08, 2019, 09:13:12 AM »
the Scots are an interesting bunch.

The ED drugs cause all kinds of issues. Glad he didn't have any major complications.
trying2bok

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #101 on: February 15, 2019, 08:34:44 AM »
I haven't posted in a while; things have been going good but I'm going to put this out there so that everyone knows that this "disease" take a long, long time.

We have been back together since 2014. He is emotionally distant, but we have good conversations and he helps out a lot (acts of love) and provides for us as well. S16 is still standoffish to his father but he's a teenager so partly to be expected.

Here's the issue. I found out, quite by accident, that H had "liked" a post that his ow had put on FB.........I FLIPPED OUT. Needless to say I went up one side of him and down the other and grilled him like a cheeseburger. Frankly I didn't know I knew so many colorful words!  (Must be the Scottish in me! ;))

He tried to say that her post came up as "someone you might know" so he just liked the picture. (it was a bland picture of a lake) I told him that you can't do that, that you actually have to go to her page and THEN hit like. I asked him what he expected to happen from doing that and was he interested in making contact with her and OMG did he NOT think I would have a fit? ( I'm sure he didn't think he would get caught  ::))  I told him that if she was who he wanted then to pack his stuff and get the he!! out. That I was done. That he could go you-know-what himself.

He deflated like a bad souffle. I've not seen remorse since he came back, but I saw it after that. I think he was shocked at my reaction. No tears, no pleading, just outright anger on my part. I think it scared him.  >:(

Anyhow, I'm back to square one in the trust department. I'm thinking of having one of those websites investigate him to see if he has dating sites and other FB pages or twitter or myspace or tinder accounts.........but I'm not sure I want to know and I'm not sure what I would do if he did.

He says I love you, I plan on being with you always blah, blah, blah but that one action on his part just set me back.

Stay tuned........we are still working through his dysfunction....... :P

Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #102 on: February 15, 2019, 09:35:10 AM »
Hello SF,

Gosh I’m so sorry! That’s just awful. I find their behaviour just beggars belief.

I don’t know if you read my recent stuff but I’d had me H on a huge t & g for over five months. He was seriously ill before Xmas. I sat in the hospital whilst he was in a lot of pain and held him while he cried, had him at my home to care for him. Had him for Xmas and also to Cornwall for new year.

Then two weeks after that he supposedly had a new gf staying for the w/e! To say I was shocked was an understatement. I still can’t get my head round how his pea brain remotely thought that would be ok after he’d been all over me!

I don’t think I’ll ever really understand this SF. I just hope your H hasn’t been that stupid

Hugs

X

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #103 on: February 15, 2019, 09:48:47 AM »
SF... Ugh!.  I just cannot begin to imagine the logic behind some of the actions of these MLC men. Thinking ...what was he thinking?  If he was thinking at all. Is there anyway it happened as he says ?   Regardless ... it would be a massive trigger and shock . I am sorry that this happened .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #104 on: February 15, 2019, 10:06:49 AM »
Thank you Serenity and Barbiedoll....

Barbie I don't think it happened the way he said. I'm sure she did come up as "someone you might know" in FB, however in order to click and like something you have to actually, purposely click on their profile. It was a deliberate act perpetrated by seeing her post on FB........

It was a massive trigger and shock. At least my reaction wasn't as intense as it was at BD. I was just angry. Super angry. But it didn't take me down like before. It didn't hit my self-esteem. I was stronger. I was in control. I felt almost powerful. It was weird. But it has made me wonder if I should snoop or have an investigator check him out. I don't know. What would I do with that information? I have a Mom to take care of and a son in high school for 2 more years.........I don't need the boat rocked right now. But it does make me question the future....I play those cards very close to the vest.


Serenity I hope he hasn't been that stupid either.......I don't think I would be a patient and kind as I was before. I'm a different person and he'd better watch out.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2122
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #105 on: February 15, 2019, 11:04:30 AM »
Slow, I'm so sorry to hear about your H checking out the OW on fb. This is awful of him. It makes me so mad for you. What a stupid thing to do. No wonder you feel tempted to have him checked out. But as you say, do you want to know?

Maybe talking to him about this latest bad move on his part might be an alternative way to go? What about counseling? Has he done any? Seems to me there's a little bit left in him that wonders what's out there. He could do with finding out why he still gets these feelings.

I like the way you told him that if he wants OW, he can just leave. If I'm ever in your situation, that's exactly what I'd say to my H. You're not his prisoner, but you don't share. He better be all in.

What an awful trigger. I can just imagine your anger and pain. Probably brought back some of those terrible feelings from BD.

When did this happen? I have you had a chance to cool down and the talk more to your H about it?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #106 on: February 15, 2019, 11:10:33 AM »
Hi Milly!

Actually he did it in July while we were on a family vacation, I just found out about it last week.

We have talked about it and he said he didn't know why he did it and he wasn't looking to start anything back up, etc. etc. He said he didn't think it was a big deal. Believe me,I set him straight on just how big of a deal it is!

We did have counseling when we first got back together. Maybe its time for more, I don't know.

He has had a radical prostatectomy which has left him impotent so perhaps he was just looking for some ego boosting. If it had been ANY OTHER woman I might not have been so upset. I'm ok now, but my radar is up and working again. I'm going to be more vigilant for a while.......
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5029
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #107 on: February 20, 2019, 11:10:51 PM »
You are right about the 'someone you might know' - he has to click on her profile and she/he also has to have a mutual friend to come up in the first place.  Maybe he needs to delete his FB account so the snooping doesn't get to him again.  All the LBS's here know what the FB snooping does during crisis and none of it's good ::)

I'm glad he got a taste of what it was like for you - sometimes they are so completely clueless.  Do they think we were having a party all the time they were bonking another person??  Most of us are in court so often we don't have time for ourselves.  I suppose that's our fault as well >:(

Take it easy SF, I'm sure it's not as bad as it looks but such a horrible trigger.......

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #108 on: February 21, 2019, 07:57:03 AM »
Thank you SF. I'm sure it was an impulse brought on by that pop up.

I don't want to have him shut his FB down as then he will go uber deep if he's up to no good. This way, he will become complacent and will get caught again. He could have several accounts for all I know......

For now I'm doing good. We are just moving forward as best we can. Actually H is refinancing our house on his VA so that I can pay off some bills so that I can help my Mom. It won't take Me or Mom off the deed, it will just put the loan on his VA certificate.

One day at a time......
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #109 on: February 21, 2019, 08:46:49 AM »
I would not ask him to close his facebook for the exact reason you mentioned . He will eventually get caught if he is doing anything he should not be . Seems to be murphy's law. On my facebook, his OW-cow comes up "as people you may know frequently " . ON MINE!  This is because she is a family member and we have "friends in common".
So I would imagine the same happens on his facebook. I had her as a friend ( imagine that ?) but have long ago deleted that . However, I do wonder how it all works ...she must be able to see stuff I post if a mutual friend ( or family member) "likes" it ?   I am not sure. Sometimes I want to shut the entire thing down . 
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #110 on: February 21, 2019, 09:03:55 AM »
Barbiedoll I hate FB. I enjoy it for the contact with distant relatives and being able to contact and send pictures and see funny and inspiring things.....but I do believe that it makes it so much easier for someone to do bad things......... :(
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2122
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #111 on: February 21, 2019, 01:19:27 PM »
You can block people though. Once my H's OW appeared as a potential friend and I just went to settings and had her blocked. I've not seen her again.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #112 on: February 21, 2019, 07:55:22 PM »
Milly, I thought I did that but I must not have done it properly . I will try that again.

 I do not think my husband used his facebook or any computer based way of communicating with OW. His facebook never changed from the day he left until 6 months after he returned . I have all his passwords and have never seen any suspicious chats with anyone. The OW was never his "friend". But he certainly used text messages . I saw her name in his contact in his phone when he came home ...and next time I looked she was gone. I am 99.99% certain he has never ever spoke with her or seen her again..BUT who will ever be 100% sure about anything ever again? Never .

Quote
He said he didn't think it was a big deal.
.

My husband has never said these words out loud . BUT , I can read his face and there is no question he often looks like a drunk dear in the headlights wondering "what the hell is the big deal ?". How did we ever gather up so many brain dead men in one spot ?   NO... really, how ? My husband once said to me ( way back at the beginning)... " You knew I had been with other women before we were married ....I guess this is different though?".  Ummmm.. how can you even respond to that level of stupid without getting brain-matter on the furniture ? That is the 1st time I even could face typing that .... Something is wrong with these men .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline DaybyDay1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 89
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #113 on: February 21, 2019, 09:11:14 PM »
Ugh!  I hate social media sometimes... technology in general.  It makes cheating, or thinking about it, or starting something that much easier.  I'm sure that's not what's happening, but everything is just so "in your face" these days that the idea gets in their heads without any effort. As much as I'm addicted to social media and technology, I wish my H could go back and live in the 80s ;)

At least maybe you H seems to realize that he shouldn't have done that! 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #114 on: February 22, 2019, 09:26:04 AM »
Thank you Millie, Barbiedoll and DaybyDay1.

Millie, I don't block because I want to see if anything is going on. Sometimes I can do better research than the FBI!  ;)

Quote
BUT who will ever be 100% sure about anything ever again? Never .
I will never, ever trust like I did before BD. That is broken and cannot be fixed. Its just about the level of mis-trust that I'm willing to live with.....and his level of transparency. Right now he's teetering on the edge.

Quote
How did we ever gather up so many brain dead men in one spot ?
I know, right???  :o ;D ;D Totally emotionally ignorant.  :P

Quote
" You knew I had been with other women before we were married ....I guess this is different though?".
  I don't even know how to respond to this......somehow that gives you Cart Blanche to be with anyone at anytime even if you are married?  ??? ??? ??? >:(

Quote
As much as I'm addicted to social media and technology, I wish my H could go back and live in the 80s ;)
Yes. Social media just keeps the fantasy alive. You don't have to leave the house to create these fake persona's and fan the flames. So different than when you actually had to pick up a land line or secretly meet on a business trip or something. 

His impotence is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, we don't have physical relations because he can't, but on the other hand I know he can't with anyone else either. Hmmmm. Don't know if that is a win, win or a lose, lose situation.  :P
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #115 on: February 22, 2019, 09:31:04 AM »
Quote
I can read his face and there is no question he often looks like a drunk dear in the headlights wondering "what the hell is the big deal ?
 

And his response to me was "well nothing came of it, so what's the big deal." Boy I lit into him like swarm of killer bees! I asked him if he expected anything to come of it, and what if something DID come of it? What then? Was he putting himself out there again? Was he HOPING something was going to come of it? WTH?

It bothers me. It makes me wonder. It has my radar up. Again with the choice; is it worth it?
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #116 on: February 22, 2019, 11:08:53 AM »
There inability to understand the depth of the pain from their affairs..and somehow they expect us to just accept that is is a minor thing...rather than the cosmic explosion of our heart.

Do they truly not realize this?

I also don't thunk my husband is able to have a sexual relationship ...but know that he has had women in his life and my feeling was that he wanted to get a divorce because women might not be interested in him since he was separated for 9 years and not divorced. Everything is such a secret...the things I have found out have only ever been by accident and he has never fessed up so that is another indicator to me..that these women are not particularly important..otherwise why not bring them out in the world, introduce them to his daughter and indeed tell me personally once and for all that he is in love with someone else...he could have told me that when he divorced me but then he comes and sees me still so I really no nothing about his ow's other than I know they are there.

It doesn't matter that they cannot have sex with them...the betrayal is the same.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #117 on: February 22, 2019, 11:48:21 AM »
Quote
It doesn't matter that they cannot have sex with them...the betrayal is the same.

Very true. (although he WAS having sex with her when he could   :P)

My biggest reaction was how disrespectful to me as his wife for him to be reaching out to the ow after our reconciliation. To me it just tells her "Oh, he went back to his wife, but see he still wants me." Grrrrrrr.   >:( What a slap in the face, kick in the gut that was.

I won't play Hokey Pokey with our relationship. He's either all in or he needs to get out.  >:(

One thing I've learned is that I will be ok on my own. I'm stronger than I thought I was. He should worry about that....  8)
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #118 on: February 22, 2019, 12:14:29 PM »
I have never said this out loud ... ever. Not even in therapy. It is so painfull I try to not ever feel it or let it sit in my brain. I cry...just glimpsing at it. The knowing that my husband was sexually aroused by another women , that all systems worked just fine and he repeatedly did this ...is the worst "knowing" for me . There is nothing special about me afterall... it was not just about me and him. Anyone with the lady-parts could do the same thing. I do not know why that is so utterly gutting ..that I have never even dared to voice it...but it is . How silly to think that physically he would only respond to me ... how naïve and ridiculous I was. That will hurt for all time and I just weep typing ...even though I know , that even a magazine could have aroused him. The purity and privacy of that act is gone from me and nothing can ever put that back . It is almost intolerable and a "no point going on " feeling "....even if it is illogical. wow... that is a wound to me , my self esteem and my feminine self does not know who she is anymore. It will fade it time ...that's what I hope. No, they do not get the deep life altering catastrophy . UGH ... still never should have talked about that . Even though my husband is diabetic, high blood pressure, has had cancer, 1 kidney ... everything works just fine and he is very sexual . I have no doubt he enjoyed a sexual marathon . He pays a huge price for that mistake ...  so have I.    ( sorry ...not sure why I just dumped all that )
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #119 on: February 22, 2019, 12:23:38 PM »
Quote
that is a wound to me , my self esteem and my feminine self does not know who she is anymore.
  Exactly

Barbie you always know how to give words to the exquisite pain we've all felt.  :'(
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2122
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #120 on: February 22, 2019, 12:28:14 PM »
Slow, I can totally understand your frustration, maybe even a little anger at this stupid thing your H did. I guess him knowing your boundary is all you can do. I just hope he really feels bad for it to make him think twice in the future. Liked your killer bee image!

Barbie, I totally get how you feel about your H being aroused by another woman. I can't let my mind go there, either. It hurts so bad. I hope that time will allow your mind to not go there, or accept it the way we do with their partners before us. Easier said than done, I'm sure. I just hope your H is showing you now through his actions that you are his only one.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline DaybyDay1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 89
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #121 on: February 23, 2019, 05:03:48 PM »
(Sorry, I don't know how to quote people on this site yet... but THIS!! From XYZCF)

There inability to understand the depth of the pain from their affairs..and somehow they expect us to just accept that is is a minor thing...rather than the cosmic explosion of our heart.

Do they truly not realize this?

OH my gosh!  I don't know if H will ever "get it" and I wonder if that means he will never be able to do the work I need him to do to heal this marriage.  I was at the airport this morning visiting my sister during a stopover she had on her way home and I told him I was there.  My sister can be difficult to deal with and I told him I didn't know how long I'd last hanging out with her.  He texted me, "30 minutes tops, like sex with your boyfriend."  That set me off.  I've never cheated!  How could he make a joke about me with another man?  I told him he's minimizing what's happened and that shows me he doesn't care.  Anyway, enough of that rant.

Barbie, I'm sorry you're hurting so much with the physical aspect of the affair.  I don't know why, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as the emotional side of it.  I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, but that has been the easiest part for me to get over.  I'm not sure why.  I kind of worry about what that means as far as what kind of person I am, but I've only been with two people my entire life so it's not like I think that sex is no big deal.  I totally do!  I don't know... it's the emotional connection that just kills me though.  It absolutely breaks my heart. I hope the intense feelings fade with time for both of us.  We all have different hurdles to overcome it seems and none of them are easy.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #122 on: February 23, 2019, 07:36:48 PM »
Daybyday

Quote
Barbie, I'm sorry you're hurting so much with the physical aspect of the affair.  I don't know why, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as the emotional side of it.  I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, but that has been the easiest part for me to get over.  I'm not sure why.  I kind of worry about what that means as far as what kind of person I am, but I've only been with two people my entire life so it's not like I think that sex is no big deal.  I totally do!  I don't know... it's the emotional connection that just kills me though.  It absolutely breaks my heart. I hope the intense feelings fade with time for both of us.  We all have different hurdles to overcome it seems and none of them are easy.
Modify message
.

I am the "odd" one Daybyday. I have read a small library in the past few years and I have read repeatedly that women are FAR more upset and devastated by the emotional "connection" their husbands have to affair partners. So ( according to what I have repeatedly read) , you are "normal".  Assuming we even know what the hell normal is .[/quote].

According to a new study out of Norway, men and women react to their partner cheating differently. While men get highly jealous of cheating that is physical in nature (sex), where women get their highest amounts of jealousy is when their partner has an emotional affair. For women, forming an emotional bond outside of the relationship is far worse than, say, a one-night stand or even a casually sexual fling..

Indeed we are all different in our reactions , but more typically your reaction is common among women . Not the case with me whatsoever. I do not believe my husband was remotely capable of creating an emotional bond of any kind with anyone...let alone a healthy "emotional " connection. Not for a minute do I believe that he could "feel" anything other than the internal hell that he was going thru. Temporarily, she ( the OW) MAY have distracted him from his pain but a deep emotional experience ?  Never. I just do not believe it...at all. His affair was very short lived and he dumped her in the most disrespectful discarded garbage pile ...even THAT treatment of women enraged me .  Two therapist have looked at me and told me straight up..." he was NOT capable of ANY emotional connection with anyone, he should have been hospitalized. I already knew that .  The physical betrayal has been by far, the absolute near death experience. And still, I get triggered by any thought of that ....

Quote
I hope the intense feelings fade with time for both of us. 
.

Thank you ...I too look forward to the day that there is a deeper  peace and final "letting go" of this hurt . It takes a very very long time. I am still a work in progress. We both deserve it.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Yellowroseoftexas

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 124
  • Gender: Female
  • I HAVE 2 CHOICES-BE HAPPY OR BE HAPPY
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #123 on: February 24, 2019, 04:56:27 AM »
Slow Fade joining your thread.  You are a strong insightful lady. 

Oh the hurt caused my our MLC spouses.  They know (or unknowingly?????)hit us where it creates the most damage.  While the conversations with the OW plotting their strategy to 'get us' is painful enough its the spilling of our personal intimate life that shatters me.  Making a mockery of wedding vows.  Oh the pain. I keep asking when is it my turn to have a MLC and run away?

MOTHERS!!!!!!!!! My dad died two years ago and my mother has become a passive-aggressive needy woman that wants it her way or her way. At 78 she's very tech savvy.  She sends me articles about adult children ignoring their parents.  She is not ignored but I do not allow her to manipulate me. 

My mother's behavior reminds me of my pre mlc self.  Rather than hi jack your thread SF I'll try to shake the dust off my thread and post. 

Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline DaybyDay1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 89
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #124 on: February 24, 2019, 10:01:42 AM »
Hi Texas (I will remember you better that way... my son is going to college in Texas in the fall), you struck me with what you said about sharing details with the OW.  H swears he never said anything about me to the OW.  He said she would ask when he's filing and all he would tell her is he's working on it.  I cannot even believe that.  It's all lies.  I have to accept that because that I can believe.

Barbie... thanks for the explanation.  I'm not saying I'm jealous of you because how can any of us be jealous of one another with this storm we are living?  But for lack of a better way to explain it, I wish my H did not have an emotional connection.  What's the worst part of it is he brought my kids to meet her, TWICE.  He really thought she was something.  A small part of me (who am I kidding?  all of me!!) is happy that my kids could not stand her.  They are not ones to sugar coat things either.  I feel like I'm getting the full truth on that and their opinions have been backed up by a few other people.  Anyway, maybe that can be the thing you hang on to when you get upset?  That at least he wasn't emotionally connected.  That you know he's not sitting around and thinking of her now.  It was just physical and didn't mean a thing.  It truly could have been anyone. 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline JoJoJo

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 134
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #125 on: February 26, 2019, 05:28:05 AM »
Quote
that is a wound to me , my self esteem and my feminine self does not know who she is anymore.
  Exactly

Barbie you always know how to give words to the exquisite pain we've all felt.  :'(

knife to the heart....I have felt this way as well! 
I think I might bring this up in our next therapy session...thank you for helping me verbalize a feeling.
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #126 on: February 26, 2019, 08:08:50 AM »
Thank you Millie, DaybyDay, Barbiedoll, Yellow Rose and JoJoJo.....

Quote
he brought my kids to meet her, TWICE.
DaybyDay, my H was using our s8 as an excuse to go and spend "father/son" time when he was actually meeting the ow.....Our poor s8 kept that secret for over a year before he told me. He thought that if he would never have gone with his father, this would never have happened......to this day, s8 now s16 really does not like his father.

Quote
Slow Fade joining your thread.  You are a strong insightful lady. 
  Thank you. Its all trial by fire!  ;)

Wow, emotional vs physical........Hmmmmm....... I don't know. I guess its all connected to me. I was devastated to learn that jokes I would send him he was forwarding to her, he was "borrowing" some of my clothes to give to her, he was taking her on camping trips that were supposed to be "guys only"......all of that is just rolled into one big package of pain. His involving our son was the straw that brought out the Mamma Bear big time. I told him if he ever did that again they would never find his body!  >:(

I know he was lying to her as much as he was lying to me so in a way she was a victim of him as well. Heck, he was lying to himself! I still have a hard time believing what he says. Trouble is, I don't know what he can possibly do to make that go away. Especially now.........

One day at a time. 
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #127 on: February 26, 2019, 04:25:24 PM »
Quote
H swears he never said anything about me to the OW.  He said she would ask when he's filing and all he would tell her is he's working on it.  I cannot even believe that.  It's all lies.  I have to accept that because that I can believe.
.

Is it not bizarre how different things affect each of us differently?. Mine also swears that he never talked to her about me. Well, just exactly how did this affair happen then? She knows me, been in my home, been in our family ...so he just fell into her bed without anybody saying...umm , where is Barbiedoll?. He absolutely said something!. He told her he was done with our marriage , that he had been trying to leave for years etc etc . And ..wallah, within 24 hours they are banging up a storm!. He did not have to wine, dine, pursue, work at it ..nothing. Swears they had no conversations about ME whatsoever . I often wonder how he managed to not talk about 5 kids ... that she was an "aunt" to?  That would likely be a sexual "downer". As much as we need answers , the truth is , we will NEVER get the truth. The truth is told if they are actually caught with no ability to lie. My point ( sorry...I rambled ) , I could care less what he said or told her about me . She has known me for over 30 years ... what could he say? AND , he left her, so how true was anything he "might" have said?. She was likely the most affair -down that I have heard about. She told my husband that he was " a rock-solid man " ( really??... as he is having an affair ?), she told him that "she was sooo happy that he was not as religious as she thought " ( guess not...otherwise he would not be bonking you ) and that she loved him.. repeatedly. I would imagine he responded to that ...with what ? . He said that was what started to wake him up . True? . I doubt it . The only thing that is extremely painful to me is the physical arousal etc etc .. and putting my body at risk.   Now, to be 100% honest ...I do not believe he said all that much about me , but everything you read says the opposite . Says they tell the OW all their problems , nasty things about their wives and marriage etc . My husband says that is 500% incorrect and he does not care what I have read. ( if we were deranged all together , we could talk to the OW . She would likely have a far different story to tell. Not in a million years )
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline DaybyDay1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 89
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #128 on: February 26, 2019, 07:43:10 PM »
Oh my gosh, SlowFade... your poor S.  My heart breaks that he was put in that situation.  My kids were told about H's condo long before I even knew we were having problems and they kept that from me.  They said they didn't want to make things worse.  It makes me absolutely crazy that KIDS are put in the middle of all of this.  Ugh!!!!!  I don't blame your S for not being a huge fan of his father's.  My kids are older and were basically led to believe that I was the crazy one and dad had no choice but to leave if he wanted any chance at a happy life.  They are slowly figuring out what's really going on though and for that I am grateful.  I am not saying a word.  Things are just playing out and they are putting two and two together.

Barbie, I appreciate hearing your husband's take on what he told OW.  I really, really hope my H didn't tell her much about me.  I don't know why, but it makes me really upset to think of them talking about me.  I am not one to give a crap what people say about me either.  I truly could not care less if you like me or not, if you talk about me behind my back, etc.  This bothers me though.  Not sure exactly why just yet, but it bothers me a lot.  I did text OW a couple of times.  Once she told me that she was told we were done and had been done for a long time.  Not sure why she believed that, but that's not a question I even care to answer right now.  I'm trying to lessen her importance in my mind.  I guess none of that matters, but it does go to show that there was at least some conversation that took place about me.  I guess there had to be something. 
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1965
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #129 on: February 26, 2019, 07:53:05 PM »
Quote
This bothers me though.  Not sure exactly why just yet, but it bothers me a lot.

Because it was your husband ...not just a friend or neighbour . Its hard to face a husband conspiring with another women to deceive you, hurt you and destroy your life. Likely one of the most painful of all human wounds . Betrayal . I am sorry it hurts so much...it changes who we are . Or who we were .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #130 on: February 27, 2019, 07:48:36 AM »
Quote
This bothers me though.  Not sure exactly why just yet, but it bothers me a lot.

Because it was your husband ...not just a friend or neighbour . Its hard to face a husband conspiring with another women to deceive you, hurt you and destroy your life. Likely one of the most painful of all human wounds . Betrayal . I am sorry it hurts so much...it changes who we are . Or who we were .

Absolute truth.
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline DaybyDay1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 89
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #131 on: February 28, 2019, 08:36:57 PM »
Yeah... that is probably exactly why it hurts so much and bothers me to no end.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2806
  • Gender: Male
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #132 on: February 28, 2019, 11:15:55 PM »
Im sorry about the FB nonsence SF.
XW told me that she never discussed me or us with OM.
I unexpectedly bumped into him at the Garage whilst getting fuel one day. We ended up talking for about 90 minutes.
He told me that when he got together with XW our marriage was over already (six months before BD).
1. That XW and I hadnt been a couple for years,
2. hadnt had sex for 6 months,
3. I was never home,
4.I never helped her when i was home,
5. I beat her
6. I was a bad father. there was probably more but thats all I can think of atm.

I laughed and asked if he believed that $h!te. He said that he had his doubts because everybody spoke highly of me, overhearing People at the gym saying "say hi to whyus," "how is Whyus?" etc. I told him that XW and I had sex in the kitchen 2 days before BD so theres one big lie uncovered. If I was such a bad dad then why are both Boys living with me and not XW?
I told him that we had a Holiday 5 months before BD and that XW and I had a Weekend in Prag just 2 months before BD and took out a load for 10,000EUR just a couple of weeks before BD.
I asked him if that sounds like a marriage which wasnt working.
He said "not really, thats alot to Digest".
he split up with her but they were back together afer a week or so.
It just proved to me how broken he must be too. The truth was out there, he knew that their R was built on a foundation of lies and he is still with her. Good luck with that you POS  ;D.

I confronted XW with it an hour later as we were preparing the house for the sale and she was waiting for me/texting where I was whilst we spoke. She told me that its not true and that OM is a liar  :D. Lying to cover up lies like a big Spider web of lies. Sickening honestly what a W will say just to get some Young gymnerd between her legs.
That was about the Point where the rope fell crashing to the ground.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #133 on: March 01, 2019, 07:55:24 AM »
Thank you DaybyDay1

Whyus I'm so sorry. I can't believe they think we are so stupid that we would either believe the lies or won't find out about them. The truth would hurt, but at least it would be the truth......the insult to my intelligence is almost more painful!  >:(

I don't know if I could have had a 90 minute conversation with the ow. It probably would have deteriorated into a huge catfight.  :P She was a twit as well. Younger than his oldest son......gross. She believed his lies as well.  :P
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Feather

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 50
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #134 on: March 04, 2019, 09:41:04 AM »
Attaching so that I can learn

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #135 on: March 05, 2019, 08:34:39 AM »
Welcome Feather! Ask me anything, I will try to give you an answer. Its been a wild ride so far!
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Online PJ Ames

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 216
  • Gender: Male
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #136 on: March 05, 2019, 09:17:26 PM »
Following along SF. (Late for the party as usual).

Reading your thread is both inspiring and discouraging at the same time. My W is still at home and we're working on things, but she is so broken. Just a shadow of herself. So I'm inspired that you're still doing well and have gained so much insight. But I'm discouraged realizing what a long haul I'm in for and realizing that she may never be the same as before.

The "what's the big deal?" thing absolutely drives me nuts. W wants to minimize her EAs (exchanging shirtless photos, sex talk and "I love yous") and play the victim (Why are you so critical? Why do you hate me?) I'm not going to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it's nothing so it's tough to get past it.

Thanks for being so generous in sharing what you've learned.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #137 on: March 06, 2019, 07:58:40 AM »
Welcome PJ......it took me a long time to decide to post the negative. I didn't want to discourage anyone as I'm definitely a stander through and through.

As far as "never being the same" goes, we all change and evolve as we mature. Its like you are constantly learning and adjusting to each other throughout your whole life, even if something like this doesn't raise its ugly head. I get that brokenness you are seeing but I still see the person I love in there too. Once I realized that this journey has changed both of us, I started to get to know the person he is now and reveal the person I am now. Its a long and winding road!

Things cannot be swept under the rug. We did counseling and that helped. I was able to say some things that needed to be said and that was good. Even though my H knows what he did was wrong, I'm sure there is still a little piece that thinks he was justified in some way.

 But I do think part of the brokenness we see is the revelation that they shattered something that was precious and it cannot be put back to what it was. Sometimes they can't look directly at the damage as the pain and shame is so great so they will deflect for a while.

The cracks will forever be there. However, the cracks also let some light in. Look for the good, look for the silver lining, look for the growth.

As far as H's little FB issue......well lets just say my radar is up and he knows it. I did see shame when I confronted him and that's a first. Progress, even in the backsliding. Hang in there. Love is a choice. Sometimes its a hard choice.

((Hugs))

Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7682
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #138 on: March 08, 2019, 03:32:37 AM »
Hi ya Fade,

I am not sure how I've managed to miss your thread but ... well, I did ....

A few pages back, someone mentioned that they didn't understand how someone who is attempting to reconcile could think that any contact with the AD could be OK..... my first reaction when I read that is the old "What does green taste like?" Who KNOWS what they (the Mid-Life) is thinking? I am not really sure that they know sometimes....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4906
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #139 on: March 08, 2019, 07:47:14 AM »
Hey UrsaMajor I'm honored you found me!  ;)

Who knows what he was thinking? Probably a perfect storm of  a) we were on our first camping trip as a family in years b) he and ow used to go camping a lot. c) her "people you may know" came up because he only unfriended her, not blocked her on facebook.

Giving into temptation in the moment. Still looking to stroke his ego. I still think she was the one who ended it with him when he wouldn't divorce me. (still makes me feel like he settled sometimes  :P ) Makes me wonder who the bigger fool was; her or me?

Sorry I'm being kind of dark lately. I'm glad my marriage has survived so far. One day at a time....
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline DaybyDay1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 89
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #140 on: March 08, 2019, 05:49:07 PM »
Hi Slow Fade, I know what you mean about wondering if he settled... but he wouldn't divorce you.  That's not settling.  If he wanted to be with her, he would have gone with her.  He didn't.  My H said he broke it off with his OW, but I'm always left wondering if he thinks she's like a safety net and he can just go back to her whenever he decides this marriage is too much work?  Who knows is the only answer to any of these questions it seems.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Upintheair

  • MLCer Type: Off-N-On
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 189
  • Gender: Female
Re: Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive......
« Reply #141 on: March 09, 2019, 12:58:36 AM »
Slow Fade,

--Even though my H knows what he did was wrong, I'm sure there is still a little piece that thinks he was justified in some way.---

This, according to my own experience  will fade and change. But needs years, four or more.

"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk