[KayDee]

And if I did not love her. I am going to try and go back to being a bit emotionally stunted for a while. I think I will need to.

In my experience, it's better to feel what you feel when you are feeling it (lotta feels in that sentence, huh  ) - It does really hurt, but a necessary part of repairing IMO. You say you were not 'emotionally connected' before and bottling up maybe your defense go-to. Worth considering. Be emotionally connected for you first. Then it will ripple out towards others.

And sometimes I wonder am I mad. Was I that bad? Why won’t she try? Or at least give me a chance? There is nothing rational going on.

I expect every single one of us thinks that Help. If she is having an identity/ML crisis, then this is her journey to take alone. Trying with you will be relevant if this is marriage issue. You want a chance to fix things non? But remember, there's a lot of us fixers here If you believe she is in crisis, ergo this is not about your marriage, then you need to accept that you cannot fix.  Make the changes you want for you, the rest will follow.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Helpnewc,

Well done regarding the alcohol ! You managing to cut it without help means that you are strong, in good way on the healing path.

A tough weekend.

My wife wanted to tell the girls. I asked if we could wait a little as the approval for the refinancing of the house will come through this week and then there will be more certainty.

what exactly wants she tell the girls ? about the separation and parenting arrangements, the OM or the house arrangements ? Anyway, it is good that you can delay the announcement so that it fits your view.

She is angry that people have sympathy for me. That people say poor Help , he has listened and learned and she won’t forgive me. That is the truth but it does not agree with the it is all your fault narrative.

[...] She knows I have changed. She just says she does not want to be married. I say ok but I don’t lose my kids just you. Her expectations around parenting arrangements are odd.
[...]
And sometimes I wonder am I mad. Was I that bad? Why won’t she try? Or at least give me a chance? There is nothing rational going on.

Yes, your actions not fitting with her narrative makes her angry. I have the same here. But as you say, rational gets out of the house when MLC enters. Your actions are not for her, it's totally for you and all the people that you live with will benefit from them, kids first.

My wife is not good with forgiveness. She is just so angry that I did not listen before. She is right about that.

Same here, I don't know one person that W has forgiven. She never forgave her mother who abandoned her at 12, same goes for many people. And she blames me for having waited 20 years of marriage to change... 

[Helpnewc]

Thanks all,

My wife put everyone first for years. It built to a point of explosion. Everyone but me has been forgiven and reconnected with but I am the one who let her down the most.

I am at peace. I have done my best. I realise there is nothing else I could have done. Yes, I made mistakes before bomb drop and after it but I am human. I have forgiven myself.


Life will be different but ok. You can’t repair with someone who does not want to. And there is also an element that I need to be punished. A constant refrain is that if I came back you have gotten away with it.


The sad thing is that i won’t have another relationship. My two girls will be enough and my friends. It will be a good life but different.


We will tell the girls that she wants to end the marriage in a week or so. I have just said it is up to her as it is her decision. Acceptance and love. That is who I am.

[forthetrees]

You nailed it with your statements that you cannot repair it with someone who does not also want repair and that it will be ok but different. It takes a long time to accept that you may want with all your heart and soul to be at the table to work it out, even waiting or pleading for the other person to come to the table, but that the other party may opt to never come to the table or may drop by and then leave. May it bring you some level of solace knowing that the future will be different but in a way that you have a modicum of control over how it plays out. It is so weird to shift from a "we" perspective to an "I" perspective after so many years of marriage. You will have a new array of choices as well as the responsibility of shouldering the consequences of those choices. I like to think that the hurt that the LBS absorbs becomes transformed into empathy/compassion for others as one goes through the healing process. Maybe that´s just my rationalization for why I had to experience so much pain. You are coming off the lowest of lows and bit by bit you will find yourself in a better place with a knowing that you won´t have to revisit that low of lows.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Life will be different but ok. You can’t repair with someone who does not want to. And there is also an element that I need to be punished. A constant refrain is that if I came back you have gotten away with it.

I know I have posted this in the past, but in the beginning of my journey, I went through the same process of self-blame and going over every aspect of the marriage where I could have done better, all for naught. It only drained me emotionally and I ignored the glaring fact that all of this really had little to do with me or our marriage. Just like you, I felt if I fixed me, she would come around.
Didn't happen and she filed for divorce three years later.

I don't know your Soon-to-be-ex-w (Stbxw), but I see some glaring red flags all speak of MLC not terrible husband.

I also suspect the other aspect is that as we are somewhat well off she is able to leave, live independently and have no debt.

All I know is she won’t give me another chance as she says she warned me and I did not listen. That is probably true but as soon as I had insight I took action. I was never abusive, not a drinker but just too absent with work.

Basically I had priorities wrong.

I don't know your schedule and I don't know your life. However, it seems to me that throughout the years, you have been a very good provider for the family. I did the same for my family and I worked hard so that my ex could stay home and take care of the girls. As a young teacher, I worked in the classroom, had a side job where I worked on Saturdays, and during my off-track time, I substitute taught. I then went back to school, I got my MA in administration and became a vice principal, and then a principal.

A lot of work and it gave her the opportunity to stay and be with the children. Did I have some bad moments? Sure, but I wasn't an ogre either. My efforts helped create a warm and loving home for my family.  Then during the crisis, my ex tells me that I wouldn't let her work. Really??? My wife's viewpoint was that I went and put in eleven and twelve hour days because it was a lot of fun. When she left me and got a job, she was all happiness. Tens years later, work isn't fun, it's a grind.

Don't let her rewrite history to justify her decisions. Her crisis and her journey are all on her own. The big difference I see between you and I is how fast your STBXW has moved compared to mine. In fact my ex was content to let me stay in purgatory forever and was not going to change at all. It was tough, but she then managed to squeeze out all positive feelings I had for her by the time she filed. When she filed, I was emotionally detached and saw the divorce as what a divorce is- separation of assets. It is all business and you have to take your feelings for her out of this completely. Don't let your feelings of being responsible for the end of the marriage make you want to overcompensate by being the nice guy during the proceedings. Get legal advice and stick to your guns.  This is going to be very hard for you to do, but it will mean a lot for you and your life in the future. Remember, I can't fix this.

The sad thing is that i won’t have another relationship. My two girls will be enough and my friends. It will be a good life but different.

Before I start, you are in no place to be in any relationship with anybody. You need to take time to heal and recover from the past few months. Take the time to be good to yourself and make your girls the priority.

However, I don't want you to limit your outcomes. Apathy is when you don't care about any outcome; detachment is when you are open to any outcome. Now, I could be wrong, but right now, you are taking a lot of your STBXW's statements to heart and some of your thinking is not "I don't want another relationship" but "I don't deserve another relationship."  Don't punish yourself over the comments made by an MLCer. 

Be good to yourself and have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[Helpnewc]

Thank you both.

You are both right. I am aware that the only way is up which does help.

The irony that I will have more time with my girls when we divorce is a sad one but that is not my doing.

Thank you

[Helpnewc]

I knew this would be a tough week and it was.

The hard part is the lies. My daughter’s cousins were up from Melbourne so I knew I would not see much of them. I was promised Wednesday and Thursday night but they stayed at my former in laws.

It was the bait and switch that hurts. I am trying to frame it as preparing for being apart from them.

The lack of empathy is extraordinary. It is the bit I struggle with most. Where did it go.

[lost88]

Yeah, I’ve experienced the complete personality changes as well. Empathy was something my wife always had for everyone and now she has absolutely zero. It truly is hard to imagine someone can change so quickly especially at the person they’re closest width. There is no fighting it, rationalization doesn’t work, They’re completely out of their minds. Chasing things they don’t even know they want and running from things that eventually they’re going to miss. Your earlier point the biggest issue is the continuing lying about everything. They lie about things that aren’t even important. For a while, I wanted to believe her … but now I just believe it’s a lie ! Lol

The support you will find here will help but the pain train is going to run for quite some time. We all have to decide whether we get off it or not.

[Helpnewc]

I am on day 3 of a holiday away with my daughters.

It is going ok but they miss their mum. So do I. It was better when we were all together but there is nothing I can do.

My wife is indicated she will move out to her mums when we return. It will be hard but it will be forward movement.

It is just so difficult. I nearly 2 years and I still can’t quite believe it.

[xyzcf]

The loss is a great one Helpnewc. This is not what we want, for us or for our families. I could not wrap my head around how long this hurt...every day. Yet we can look back and see that we are "better" than last week, last month, last year.

A holiday with your daughters but without your wife is a very different experience than when the family was intact. Good for you to have the courage to go away with them. Because sometimes, we have to deal with the hurt anyway...so enjoying time with them is the bright side.

You already know...you cannot change what is. Our spouses have made their decision and they cannot see any other way..and so, we are left to pick up the
 pieces of our lives..and we do but it's a hard thing to measure how we are doing until a long time later.

Working through this grief is essential in the long run.

I am sorry..but as you know..there is nothing that we can do to change any of this other than our own actions.