[Helpnewc]

It is so odd.

We spoke for the first time in months. Our dog passed away last night and I wanted to discuss how to speak with the kids. Initially, the would not talk to me as I confess I had told her to f%#k off in a text. I know I should not have but it felt good.

Anyway, when she realised what had happened she kept ringing. And I asked if she could ask her lawyer to cut me some slack. She said it was just paper work and professed to ignorance to some of the behaviour. I asked if the lawyer was not acting in accordance with instructions. It was all a bit cray cray.

I was struck by the fact it seem revelatory that her behaviour was impacting on my well being. She literally did not seem to understand that. She really is completely self absorbed.

Anyway, hopefully I will not have contact for a while.

[Evermore]

I was struck by the fact it seem revelatory that her behaviour was impacting on my well being. She literally did not seem to understand that. She really is completely self absorbed.

I’d guess that because what we do and how we act doesn’t impact them in any way, they assume the same goes for us. Of course I don’t think they actively think about that. As you say they are completely self absorbed. I don’t think they think much about us at all most of the time. And yes, it is very weird.

[Helpnewc]

Yes. I think that is correct evermore

[Helpnewc]

It is so strange to think of your wife having a boyfriend. And to hear from them that you did not love them or care for them when they are alone in that view. It is as though 13 years of love from you did not exist.

And yes, I understand there is blame projection and it is easier to blame someone else for your unhappiness. But all those happy photos and moments were not a lie.

The death of our dog was a rare moment where something pierced through and she seemed genuinely sad. But not sad enough to leave her secret boyfriends home.

I have made the hard decision to not go to my daughter’s 10th birthday. I know I am not strong enough. I decided not to lie to her and explained I just can’t be that close to mum at the moment. They said it is because you love her and want to hug her. I said yes, and they my eldest said have you told her? I said she knows.

But the total destruction of a person and remaking of a story is something to behold. It is interesting how you regain your footing and do realise that while you were not perfect, this explosion is not about you. But there is nothing you can do.


Nearly 2 years in and I still can’t quite believe it. It is just so odd.

[Atari25]

It is so strange to think of your wife having a boyfriend. And to hear from them that you did not love them or care for them when they are alone in that view. It is as though 13 years of love from you did not exist.

And yes, I understand there is blame projection and it is easier to blame someone else for your unhappiness. But all those happy photos and moments were not a lie.

The death of our dog was a rare moment where something pierced through and she seemed genuinely sad. But not sad enough to leave her secret boyfriends home.

I have made the hard decision to not go to my daughter’s 10th birthday. I know I am not strong enough. I decided not to lie to her and explained I just can’t be that close to mum at the moment. They said it is because you love her and want to hug her. I said yes, and they my eldest said have you told her? I said she knows.

But the total destruction of a person and remaking of a story is something to behold. It is interesting how you regain your footing and do realise that while you were not perfect, this explosion is not about you. But there is nothing you can do.


Nearly 2 years in and I still can’t quite believe it. It is just so odd.

I'm only 4 months in since my wife left - I have many many more months of misery and confusion ahead I can see.

My wife has no boyfriend yet but I'm sure she will at some point or she will hook up with one of the dudes at the golf club she works at. She is all about herself and her own satisfaction. I feel for you and fear for myself.

Everything feels like a lie, even when you know it's her re-writing history. It's hurts a lot.

[FrenchHusband]

I was struck by the fact it seem revelatory that her behaviour was impacting on my well being. She literally did not seem to understand that. She really is completely self absorbed.

I’d guess that because what we do and how we act doesn’t impact them in any way, they assume the same goes for us. Of course I don’t think they actively think about that. As you say they are completely self absorbed. I don’t think they think much about us at all most of the time. And yes, it is very weird.

What you write could be written by parents speaking about their teenage children, IMHO. It is so true for our spouses under MLC, yes.

[Hopeful5]

It is so strange to think of your wife having a boyfriend. And to hear from them that you did not love them or care for them when they are alone in that view. It is as though 13 years of love from you did not exist.

And yes, I understand there is blame projection and it is easier to blame someone else for your unhappiness. But all those happy photos and moments were not a lie.

The death of our dog was a rare moment where something pierced through and she seemed genuinely sad. But not sad enough to leave her secret boyfriends home.

I have made the hard decision to not go to my daughter’s 10th birthday. I know I am not strong enough. I decided not to lie to her and explained I just can’t be that close to mum at the moment. They said it is because you love her and want to hug her. I said yes, and they my eldest said have you told her? I said she knows.

But the total destruction of a person and remaking of a story is something to behold. It is interesting how you regain your footing and do realise that while you were not perfect, this explosion is not about you. But there is nothing you can do.


Nearly 2 years in and I still can’t quite believe it. It is just so odd.

So many similarities in our stories. I also have a most likely STBxW who rewrote our entire history over night. What was in the eyes of me and my 4 kids a GOOD marriage of 23 years, has been rewritten in the most absurd way.  Neither me or my kids buy it. And the childish, passive aggressive behavior -- neglect, witholding, stonewalling etc, is infuriating to no end.  But the worst is the parental alienation, and talking sh%$ about you to the kids behind your back, which is the nastiest trick in the book.

I really is the twilight zone. Keep hanging in there, I know there are better years ahead for all of us who are in the middle of this. 

[Helpnewc]

I have COVID so she took the kids. It is very hard when I get less time. The boyfriend is still around but she won’t tell our daughters. It does not fit the narrative that is is all my fault.

Sometimes I feel ok. Things are going better with my daughters but I have swapped a weekend so they can see their cousins.

Acceptance is hard. Realising she is not coming back and that we will never be a family again. I can see how that pains my children too.

But you just keep surviving.

[Baxter1]

So sorry you have COVID, life just kicks you in the stones sometimes.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Baxter, it is better than my first go at it. I do wish I had got organised to have my booster.

It is such a strange place to be. I never realised truth was so fragile. For my wife to tell me she had not loved me for 8 years and it appears she was planning an escape. I don’t think that is right and if I can pin point it was months when she disconnected.

But the desire to run. The desire to see me as a villain and it such an interesting cycle to believe it was all you at the beginning but then to gradually realise that is not right. A lie does get half way around the world before the truth has its shoes on.

But slowly, the truth seeps out. Even into the brain of the LBS. You realise you are not the devil incarnate. It troubled me for ages how I can be a good, kind man everywhere else but at home. I am just not that clever.

But the realisation you are a good person with good values does not bring the other person back. They have created a reality that is very real for them and I guess the only way for it to be pierced is time.


Particularly when the world does seem to have the man vs woman bent. And I do get it, men have had a good run and women have done it tough under our watch. Men have let women down. But the climate does make it easier to accept the male LBS was what the Female MLCer says. Problem is I never was.


Understanding it does not make it easier. Radical acceptance is the only way but that takes time. But acceptance does help a great deal.


And grief is ok. It is just my love persisting.