[FIRETRUCK]

Hi everyone. I've not updated much and slow on the commenting, but I follow along most days!
Married 95 - BD was about 8 yrs ago and D final at the end of 2019 (took 6 yrs as XH kept dragging his feet).
Everything in between has been pretty much script although no wedding and no children as far as I'm aware - but at least 1 arrest,101 OW, rehab and a lot of pain for my children and I.
About 6 mths ago, ExH joined me & our now adult children in D's country - I hadn't seen X for probably close to 2 yrs. We met several times as a family over the course of the week - dinners, lunches, walks etc - even did a craft workshop which had us in stitches. I remained calm (I amazed myself!) We had a pretty good time, but I noted he still wasn't quite himself and we didn't have any real meaningful discussions at all.
Christmas - ExH rented a house and we spent the week together on holiday (neutral territory) as a family. We had an amazing time. A couple of heated exchanges, mainly bc ExH's obvious anxiety is endearing at times but quite loud and exhausting too. Again, lots of conversation but no real deep talks - though I sensed he wanted to, so I avoided going anywhere alone with him -  I'm no longer so  interested in justifications or explanations - I can see that he's sorry.  We shopped and cooked together and got into a nice rhythm.
He came to me one morning and said he's had a nightmare where he was trying to get into the main house where I was asleep with the kids and the door was locked and how he was banging on the glass...I wanted to laugh, I really did. I just said Oh - sounds horrible..  Something I read here a while back rang true - I don't feel like I love him the way I did at all, I'm not sure if it is love I feel at all. That realisation has left me a little sad and I caught myself wondering just now what it would take for me to feel that love for him again.
So I thought I'd write an update.
I'm not sure if it's my ego but I get the feeling he is way more emotionally attached than I had once suspected.
A few things he said, like missing my cooking, complimenting me on my dress and wanting to return to the place where I now live for much of the time...and suggesting that we rent a house again later in the year (?) After he left, he sent me a very sweet, but strange message thanking me for my benevolence (lol). He has been been sober now for over 5 yrs now I think, seeing a therapist, exercising and taking care of himself. He has recently started to offer more financially too.
I can't reconcile the person in front of me with the bats**t crazy guy that terrorized his wife and kids for so many years - but neither is he quite the man I was married to either. 
Firetruck

[1phoenix]

Firetruck, we all change and hopefully grow.  I

I have been poor at posting.  Holy cow, realized this week this was the 5th Christmas without ExH.   

It was good.  Life is good.  Always room for improvement. Always room for growth.

To all new ones reading this....just breathe. It will change. It does not feel like it, but it will. 

[Believer]

Hi friends,
I just thought I’d share an update on my life..13 years into H’s MLC🥴. I check in here frequently however I don’t often comment. I don’t know that I have anything further to offer than what others have already said. I also think the longer I’m at this the less I know what to say because it’s the most absurd experience.

My former husband remains married to the OW, they are celebrating their third year of “wedded bliss”. They continue to live apart (2.5 hrs) only being with each other on weekends and holidays. ExH was eligible to retire with a full pension two years, however he hasn’t. Interestingly, a friend who works at the same organization as ExH shared that she saw he has taken on a new position. I chuckled because I thought hmm…he’s really holding on to his work identity, and thank goodness that’s not my marriage 😂😂
Over a year ago I sent him an email asking if we could work together as our D’s parents to help with some of the home improvements she’d like to do at her new “fixer upper” home. As well, wanted to share some thoughts/concerns about former MIL who is really showing signs of aging. I suggested that it’s a nice step for us to becoming comfortable in each other’s presence. He went silent for over 3 weeks, when he did respond it was gibberish. He indicated that he is really busy with work, comes home and stares at the TV all evening. He just doesn’t have the energy to do anything more, then he closed it with..”Please be patient with me” . I literally laughed out loud to myself ..all these years and he’s still asking me to be patient. Needless to say he’s gone silent and I haven’t  heard a peep from him in over a year.
The other week our D mentioned that her dad was meeting her at the gym to take in a class. I said that’s nice he’s spending time with you. She laughed, well I told him if he wanted to see me then he had to fit into my schedule and so that meant a fitness class. Love that girl’s approach! She further went on to say that she only receives a text from him every 3-4 weeks, and the last time she saw him was Christmas. She said she really doesn’t miss him, he’s not the father she knew.
That for me is such an incredibly sad part of this whole experience. It’s also a reminder to me that indeed it’s an MLC he’s experiencing. He was an amazing father (and husband) prior.
As for me, I’ve become more comfortable with retirement, settling in to my own pattern. Covid has been a struggle due to the limitation however things are opening up so I’m looking forward to that.
I’ve planned a trip to visit my brother and his wife out East this summer. I’m very much looking forward to that. I’m blessed to have a great relationship with my daughter. I’m often helping her out with little tasks - great for a retired momma ! I’m not interested in another relationship, I’d rather spend time really getting to know me 😊
It has taken me an extremely long time … longer than I had hoped to get to where I am, endless hours in therapy, and tough strategies to rebuild my emotional and financial self.  I still think about ExH often, more so for what he’s lost, recognizing he’s running from doing any work on himself and that this truly didn’t have anything to do with me at all.

Hugs to all,
Believer

[Thunder]

Hi Believer, thank you for the update.  You sound good.

This truly has to be the strangest thing, this MLC.
To this day I will never fully understand what happens to them, psychologically, during this time, but it certainty changes them.

Maybe some day there will be some good studies done on this, but I'm not holding my breathe.   

[Believer]

Thunder I’m with you. It’s all so very difficult to understand what happens to them.

I’m surprised there isn’t more research completed on this as the damage from the outcome can be very substantial. I suppose people would need to step forward to provide the data and we all know “those people” don’t recognize there is a problem. 🙄

[xyzcf]

Hi Believer, thanks for dropping by.

It is still hard for me to understand how we went from a very loving and happy couple to this, seemingly overnight. He is a stranger to me.

It has taken me an extremely long time … longer than I had hoped to get to where I am, endless hours in therapy, and tough strategies to rebuild my emotional and financial self.  I still think about ExH often, more so for what he’s lost, recognizing he’s running from doing any work on himself and that this truly didn’t have anything to do with me at all.

This is also rather a mystery for I never thought I would still ache for what once was....lots of therapy, lots of exploring life and lots of sadness for the family that doesn't exist anymore.

Nothing though compared to the first few years....and for that I am grateful.

My daughter and I are also very close...we just spent 5 days with her husband and his mom in Florida to celebrate Mother's Day and it was such a great time. I feel blessed that we appreciate one another. He is missing out on so much.

She said she really doesn’t miss him, he’s not the father she knew.

That for me is such an incredibly sad part of this whole experience. It’s also a reminder to me that indeed it’s an MLC he’s experiencing. He was an amazing father (and husband) prior.

My daughter would agree. He is not the dad she knew. Her husband never met the pre MLC man. Last summer, visiting some close friends who knew us before she was born, there were lots of stories being told about back then. Both she and her husband enjoyed hearing about the dad she remembers, the FIL that her husband has never seen.

Enjoy your visit out East!

[HeartTattoo]

Believer,

Thanks for updating. I think it is good for us to touch base with our cohorts once in a while to compare notes, but I seldom get on the site & neglected to update my own thread this year near BD anniversary like I did for a few years. Once you get several years past the shock, pain, & horror of it all & you realize you will never “figure it out”, that a loyal spouse's MLC behavior & infidelity will never, ever make sense, there just isn't much to say about it anymore.

My situation sounds similar to yours. H & OW 6 years M'ed now & early on spent some years in a commuter-type arrangement, working & living in two different towns. H's address has changed in the last couple of years, but I now know nothing of their life together & don't seek to know. Our last communication was several months ago when he asked me to “tell S#1 he loved him & would love to see him”. Apparently S#1 doesn't answer any of his communications. I told him I was no longer in a role to be his advocate & that I couldn't fix this for him.

I admire that you are trying to form a “more comfortable” relationship with your H for the sake of your D. One of the things I hate the most about all of this is that my family is broken, the interconnecting relationships between parents, between sons/parents, the family as a whole functioning unit, is broken. My limitation is that I would never form a more comfortable R with H as long as the OW/new W is in the picture. My H I see as a broken person who was caught (let himself be caught) in a web of MLC & an addictive R with the OW. I always extended the potential of forgiveness & a healed R out to him. The OW is another matter to me. I will never “forgive” her; I don't care what they say about forgiveness. She was wrecking a family & knew it--”felt a little bad about that” as she sought understanding from an old friend who was also a friend of mine.

I'm glad you are enjoying retirement & making post-Covid plans. I too retired right before Covid hit which was fortunate for a nurse, but halted retirement plans. Enjoy your travel plans!

This experience has changed me, has changed the trajectory of my life. I am not a better person for having persevered through it, my life is not better for it; it's just different & I am different. We have to live life as it happens. The difference is we live an intentional life, unlike the MLCer who just “falls” into confusion & denial & an addictive band-aid R.

Hugs,
HT

[Treasur]

Once you get several years past the shock, pain, & horror of it all & you realize you will never “figure it out”, that a loyal spouse's MLC behavior & infidelity will never, ever make sense, there just isn't much to say about it anymore.

Amen to that, HT. And tbh I hope there is a kind of hope for newbies to find in that even if it is a different kind of Hope than they come here searching for. I am a few years behind you....have to count how many years now, idk, six or seven?...and letting my former h vanish into the mist bc we have no kids was what worked for me. I can honestly say that, except on quite rare occasions when something prods a memory, I spend no time at all even musing on whether he is alive or dead. My head is full of my own life challenges and joys....that’s enough.

But I honestly think that accepting that I simply did not know and could not understand what happened to my h, and consequently my life, and therefore could not foresee it or change it was a big important step in my own healing. Seeing it perhaps like rain....I may not understand why it rains but I can see that it is and decide to stay inside or pick up an umbrella  but life is much easier without feeling it might rain hand grenades at any given moment lol.

[Believer]

Thanks XYZCF, HT and Treasur for your comments 

HT, I can appreciate your stance about the OW/Wife scenario. I have no respect for the one my exH has landed with either. The term manipulator is often used by people who know her, so that tells me all I need to know. Fortunately, I don’t have to see her and I’m not interested in building any relationship with her.
My daughter has made it clear to her father that when they celebrate Christmas she is celebrating it with him and her Grandma and that the new wife and her kids are not invited. That’s been happening so I’m proud that she has been able to set boundaries that work.

I’m similar to you as well, I honestly don’t feel that my life is better as a result of this.  It’s as you shared ..changed ..changed my life and changed me. Yes, I work very hard at seeing the good in each day and some things I am better at than I was. However the laughter I express isn’t as deep and free flowing as it was. I trust less, and I feel a melancholy ache in my heart for all that was lost.

XY,
Yes, sometimes I still find myself in a stage of wondering…how did this happen, what could I have done, where did the H I know go, and how could he be distant with our child…

That wondering is still there after 13 years, the difference now is I am able to shift my thoughts from it quickly and more clearly. As you expressed thankfully  the intensity of it has dissipated as compared to the beginning of it all.
I believe as much as we continue to live our lives as best we are able the questions will still linger just more muted by our acceptance that they are different.

Treasur,  you explained it so well when you said that accepting you could not know or understand what happened to your H and therefore everything else as a result. I guess if we could have we may have been in our own crisis..
The rain analogy is spot on - thank you for that.

Hugs to all,
Believer

[Trustandlove]

Hi, all,

I have just had an odd experience which I guess I want to write about here, perhaps to try to understand it a bit.   

My story is an old one; my former H left 15 years ago.  I think he took the prize here for the most OWs; he married the 6th one, now a number of years ago.  Before that he went through them at an alarming rate.

I have long since built a life; that is besides the point. 

I haven't seen him in over 5 years, our now young adult children very rarely see him.  We don't have any contact, not even about the children.  I really don't know anything about his life; the odd photo pops up on social media which really doesn't enlighten me.   Our children don't know anything either beyond that he now has a dog, the times they do meet they don't seem to learn anything about him.  I have no idea if he is happy or not, but as best as any of us can tell he appears settled in the life he now has.

And then today he texts.  To say that an old acquaintance/friend has passed away.  This is someone I did know, but never considered at all close; why on earth he would text me to say so?  And yes, the text was meant for me, he started it with my name.  He finishes by wishing me a happy birthday for tomorrow.  He hasn't acknowledged my birthday since he left, beyond helping the children with my presents when they still needed that, which is now many years ago. 

Of course this doesn't mean anything in particular (and I'm not trying to taste the colour green with my elbow), but it's still odd.  And a few weeks ago he had texted our son saying "mum's birthday is coming up, Auntie ____ wants to know if she will be home for it".  Auntie ____ is his sister, with whom I have a cordial, if distant, relationship, but enough that if she wanted to know if I was going to be home she could text to ask.  I can't imagine that she would really have asked him to find out, she must know we don't speak.   And why on earth would he and his sister have even brought me up in conversation?  It's a non-subject. 

I haven't responded.  Mainly because I can't figure out how.  Saying "I'm sorry for your loss, thank you for the birthday wishes" is just ludicrous. 

I looked up the guy who died; it seems that former H had also posted publicly about his death, saying how much he missed him.  But I don't think they were even that close, an earlier post from the man said that it was "a nice surprise" to see him (meaning to see my former H). 

Many years ago another acquaintance of his died; this was someone I knew about, but had never met.   At that time it wasn't that many years after BD, I said things such as "oh, I'm so sorry, that must be hard for you", etc.  The kinds of things you would say if you were being supportive.  But that isn't appropriate here, not in the least. 

I guess this is just to show that even many years later a little thing can still give us pause.  And that they can still be very strange even after many years.  Ultimately what he does or doesn't feel about this person's death is for him, but why on earth text me?

Is he wanting comfort/condolences? Does he think that because so much time has passed that it's all OK, that we would share memories?   That isn't my role, that is now the OWs.  They live near the guy who died, surely she would be the one to go to?

So even if it is many years later, this still gave me quite the surprise. 

So that is my odd experience.  Is there a way to understand/respond to things like that?  Of course it's easy to say "he's still nuts, not my circus, not my monkeys", but besides that?