SS, No threats of leaving. Honestly if she did that I would probably be done with it all. I honestly have no patience for that.
What am I doing for me? Not much yet. I'm still in shock. I work out a bit, but she's an effing workout monster so I always look like a wuss in comparison, LOL. That's another thing it feels like she looks down on me for. Many day's I'm too depressed to give enough energy to it. I've been drinking more in the evenings just to take the edge off. I'm nowhere close to anywhere dangerous in that regard, but it's not something that I used to do.
I've just started a new business that's 100% mine, she's not involved in that at all. That's something that I've done for me. I feel that I need some success in that regard that isn't tied to her at all. All of our business have been together. She didn't want me to do it, and doesn't fully support it. I told her I'm doing it anyways, which I've never done before. She probably feels threatened by it. Who knows...
She doesn't think she's in a MLC, she just thinks she has issues to work through in her soul. She says she trusts God that He'll bring her through, so that's good I guess. She's not really in crazy land with any erratic behavior, besides buying HUNDREDS of cookbooks off of ebay - kinda strange, LOL.. But could be worse. She's does all of her daily house and mom duties with 'joy'. But underneath it she's broken. She admits to really struggling and feeling 'dead inside'. But when I ask her if we can talk about it she says NO. She's not ready yet.
She does wake up very early (3-4 am) after only a few hours of sleep and spends time alone. She says she journals and spends time alone w/ God working on herself. She tells me to be patient
She says sex is the last thing on her mind. I tell her over and over that this is not what a marriage should be like. It all goes nowhere. I've expressed my feelings very clearly about all of this but it seems to go into her mental trash bin.
Honestly, I have not come to terms with this being a new reality. I want it to just stop. I have a very hard time accepting this. I'm incredibly angry at her, God, everything. I grew up Christian and we spend 20 years as elders and even assistant pastors for awhile, but I have a very difficult time trusting in God for the answer I want -- which is for all of this to stop. We've both been in a period of questioning everything we believe after coming out of a very cult like church environment that she blames me for 100%.
She's always been very level headed and not overly emotional. She hasn't changed in that regard. She's just becoming more detached from me - soul and body. She's a survivor, tough as hell. For her, being busy is her addiction. She's always busy doing something, hardly a moment to sit down.
I feel bad because I do see her pain from childhood, and I do see how I carry so many negative traits of people who have abandoned her in her life. But, she's convinced that If I was a strong man, she wouldn't be 42 and broken inside. She's said this very thing to me.
I wouldn't say she's gotten worse in the last 6 months. We went through a period of real intensity of LOTS of talks that would escalate into overly emotional boil overs. This left both of us drained and of course I was blamed for it all because I wasn't supporting her in her childhood trauma. I am at fault for that, but the trauma of being told that i've essentially never been good enough for her was a LOT to digest.
Since then things have calmed down only because there's no communication unless I'm b!tc#ing about something. Usually having to do with her not wanting me physically anymore. I'm having a very tough time with the psychological effects of this.
We still go out once a week on a dinner date and wine tasting. She said it's really important for her to have times where there's no drama and she just feels good. I guess this is a good thing, but I just want to talk though something so I often ruin her 'good time' with some crap I want to bring up. She hates it.
I'm really angry so my level of self self control with keeping my mouth shut is very low.
Am I really supposed to just let this all ride out and keep my mouth shut? That seems impossible for me, LOL. This is all so retarded.
Do I really just stop pursuing her sexually, or physically at all? If I do that I fear we'll just never have sex again. Do I just leave it be and wait for the time if/when she ever desires me again? This is so effing strange.
So yes, accepting all of this has not something that I've fully done yet. I don't want to accept it honestly, I just want it to go away..
And if she ever drops a bomb of "I'm not in love with you anymore", I don't think I'll be very keen to that. I can't imagine that I'll be able to stick around in the same place as her if she ever tells me that. And that would be a tragedy for our kids. She probably knows this, so I wonder if she'll just stuff that down too and let it ride out for another 10 years until our kids are all grown adults...
This is the interesting thing. She WILL NOT allow herself to be the bad guy to our kids. No way. If our relationship was to end, she’d have to construct it in a way where I was the bad guy to our kids.
I have not read any of Rollercoasters articles yet.