Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Singstein on July 12, 2023, 08:50:17 AM
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Hello,
This website helped me so much, just reading all your stories! I feel so heartbroken by my husband and didn't know anyone experiencing similar things. That's why I had to look for something online
I am 39 and live in Germany (Hope my English is sufficient). I have been with my husband for 8 years and he wanted to marry me one and half years ago, so we did. He is 7 years younger than me. Our relationship was always loving and caring; we told each over how lucky we are to have found each other. Lots of hobbies together, the Corona lockdown was fine for us just being in our apartment, also still gr est intimacy, had friends, same goals, same values,…
Last year my father got sick (cancer), and I was really close to my dad. I was worrying all the time and my husband did help me a lot, while we still maintained our hobbies, date nights etc. March this year my father died. My husband told me he was my family and would always be by my side. A month later he went on a trip to his home county (we have been there together a few times) to travel and spend time with his family. One has to know that he is unhappy about what he studied at university and his job he did for the last 10 years, and we talked about what he could change a few times, also kind of unhappy with the city we live in so we talked about moving some day; I was always really supportive. I told him I earn enough money for him to go to university again etc. After he came back from his trip he started to behave weird sometimes, not always. Kind of withdrew from me, sometimes angry or condescending, which I never experienced ever with him. Didn't want to talk about it. Of course. I grew more and more worried. And then I discovered he was looking for jobs in foreign countries (his he country and others, too) without telling me. He got defensive and just after me being really inquisitive he mumbled that he still loves me and doesn't have any problems with the relationship, but that he questions his whole life, his choices and adjust wants to be free. No more explanations. And after that he just became a completely different person, cold, totally stonewalling. Didn't want to wear the wedding ring, often said „I don't know what I want. I couldn't stay in the apartment, it was just too painful, but because of my fathers death everything was just too much for me, so I got myself into psychiatric hospital where I still am (4 weeks after BD). I will be released next week. He just communicates in the most distant way and just every two weeks. It hurts me so much. All our friends and family are totally confused. He got the German citizenship just three years ago which was a hassle. He never wanted to move to any other country. Now suddenly he changed all his plans, also got a tattoo, dressed differently, looked for new hobbies suddenly and new music. I know he is quite young, but all signs say midlife crises. His best friends told me he thinks my husband has a depression and told him to seek help. He now tried to find a therapist, but this is really hard in this country and can take 3 months. He still hasn't decided if he really wants to go through with this total change or not, said he is worried to make the wrong choice and regret it later, no matter what he chooses, but he leans towards going abroad and ending the marriage.
I am still in Shock. After caring for my dad and experiencing horrible grief because of his death my husband was the only one left I really trusted to be there (I have no siblings or other family, just my mother who is 81). I know I have to detach and accept and try to move on with my life, possibly moving to another city in my fathers house. Even if my friends think I am crazy I still have hope that he might change his mind, but iota's just a really small hope and iota's hurting me to think about him being so seemingly uninterested with me being at the hospital and everything. It is like he is a completely new and unknown person.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate the place to ventilate my story.. it feels good to know I am not the only one going through this experience.
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Hey Singstein!
Welcome to the club nobody ever wanted an invitation to.. *hug* This site and the people on here will help you tremendously! You’ve got a lot on your plate with all the things you’ve been dealing with and I just wanted to say that I’m glad you got the help you needed. How are you at the moment?
He’s quite young for MLC. My xH was 33 at BD and I had a few coaching sessions with Kendra-Ruth in which she stated it was probably an identity diffusion instead of MLC. But I got to say that my xH is following the MLC playbook quite nicely so all the information and advice given is still totally helpfull!
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Thank you <3
Yes, might be something else like a normal life crisis etc, but till now it seems he hits most MLC points pretty well… especially the totally turned around behavior. He was such a caring, loving man since day 1 and now suddenly it’s like someone took his place.. it’s so hard to deal with this new reality.
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Thank you <3
Yes, might be something else like a normal life crisis etc, but till now it seems he hits most MLC points pretty well… especially the totally turned around behavior. He was such a caring, loving man since day 1 and now suddenly it’s like someone took his place.. it’s so hard to deal with this new reality.
I recognize this 100%! It’s truely bizare they change completely.
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Hello! I’m so sorry you find yourself here, but it is a great source of information and support. Whether your husband is in a transition, full blown crisis or just depression in general, you can still use the basic information you will find here to help get you through . First and foremost. You can’t love someone out of a crisis or depression. You can show compassion and support, but you are your number one person to support.
I hope when you are released you will continue some therapy to help you clear your head and share the thoughts that will consume you. When a partner changes for whatever reason to no longer resemble who we know or recognize it is devastating and a trauma in our lives. Read, read, read. The more you understand and see similarities you will come to understand that it was not you, but that also doesn’t mean we all can’t look at our own lives and actions and see where we can grow.
When things happen and you feel lost come back and journal and share here and you will find advise and support based on out individual experiences. Use what works and dispose what doesn’t . Each story is unique and individual no matter how many similarities there are.
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You are precious and I´m so glad that you knew you needed professional help to deal with the BD blow. As you return to a life outside the hospital please focus your energy on you. The pain is going to be there for a good long while so best to work on your own mental and physical health. If love could cure what ails him, you would have already solved it. He may figure it out, he may not, but the world needs people like you so do whatever it takes to craft a "new normal." Yes, you will have to rely on your support web that does not include him and you may have to move. Do what´s best for you. If he decides that he´s made a huge mistake, he can find you.
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First of all, Singstein, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear father. You are not alone in experiencing a profound loss just a short time before BD. I also had a dear father, to cancer, who I had buried a couple of months before BD and also have no siblings. Others here were also bereaved or experiencing serious illnesses. It is part of the shock I think to receive such a huge rejection from the person you most trusted when you are already vulnerable.
So I want you to recognise that your natural system is affected by both….the normal grief of losing a loved parent and then the more complicated grief and confusion when a spouse becomes almost unrecognisable. I hope that your stay in hospital has given you a short breathing space and, as others say, please remember that navigating multiple losses is not a quick fix so you need to take the best care you can of your own physical and emotional health. And focus on the basics….sleep, food, fresh air, baby steps. Are you seeing a therapist as part of your ongoing support system?
That includes making big decisions about where and how you live and work and involve yourself in the rest of life. Where is your h living currently? Does your work allow you to support yourself financially? Do you jointly own your current apartment? Do you like living in the city where you live now? Do you have good friends who can support you where you live now?
As a general rule after a big loss, better to go slowly and steadily in making other big changes that are irreversible imho….having said that, please understand that grief upends us all for a while and it can feel like going a bit nuts….it did for me…..and that sometimes, surprisingly, building a different life after loss can help one see that a lot of things are less fixed or important than they seemed before. One has to trust one’s own instincts, I think, and be very very kind to yourself. A decent therapist can give you a safe space to think aloud before you act though and that can be a really useful life jacket. It’s a normal reaction to grief - bc it activates our fight/flight/freeze system - to find it hard to make decisions, or to long for a place to run away to, or to not want to change a thing. However that comes out in you, I would like you to accept that your ‘bandwidth’ is reduced right now….that this is normal after a big bereavement even without all the stuff to do with your spouse….and that it takes time to navigate that. And of course, as I recall all too well, death comes with a lot of admin and decisions, big and small, doesn’t it, which are exhausting too?
I will come back and respond to the MLC/spouse stuff separately.
This post is more about you.
But I want you to know two things, spoken from my own experience.
You are not alone and you are not crazy bc a lot of us here have walked in the awful shoes you are walking in right now.
You are not permanently broken and you will not always feel exactly how you feel today even if it seems as if you will. There is a life worth having on the other side of this even if you don’t quite believe it and can’t see it yet. Your task at the moment is to survive and navigate this stage for long enough and with enough care for yourself until you get there. And you will. I didn’t believe I would but I was wrong. But sometimes when you lose your own faith and hope and energy, you need to borrow some - you can borrow mine and others here. It kind of takes a village imho to swim through s$it and shark-filled waters when you are out of steam and have no idea of the direction to swim in :)
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I posted about you separately bc I want to encourage you strongly to separate where you are individually from the MLC bit. When I was where you were, trying to deal with both as a whole picture was so overwhelming to me that I developed PTSD which ate years of my life. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. PTSD was harder and took longer to heal from than bereavement or BD/MLC; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, so I want to encourage you to be realistic about just how much is on your plate and your natural limits.
Ok, now the MLC bit.
I have become more convinced as I get older (and hopefully wiser :) ) that if something looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a sane working hypothesis that it is a duck, no matter how inconceivable that seems at the time, until or unless it starts to look like something else.
The M in MLC imho can be misleading imho. And there are plenty of stories here of spouses having an MLC like LC anywhere from their 30s to their 60s. Perhaps all that is different is the point at which enough steam builds up under their lids, or the effect of external events, that they reach an unravelling point.
There are some commonalities imho. These folks seem to lack a ‘core’ in some way. And perhaps this makes them a bit chameleon like….they become who they think they need to seem rather than knowing who they are. Many of them have reasons going back to early childhood for why they do this, long before they ever met you. They tend to be conflict avoidant and more given to dependence on their spouse either emotionally or practically. Or both. In a real sense, they are somehow not quite grown up. And most seem to experience some level of depression both pre-BD and at BD. Again jmo, but I see MLC as depression with go faster stripes that creates an identity crisis where the standard MLC behaviours are their attempt to fix how they feel.
When the lid blows off, you are changed in their mind from the ultimate solution to their needs into the ultimate cause of their unhappiness, the barrier if you like to feeling better. This is no more true than you being the solution to their ills or their saviour; most LBS struggle with that for a while. You will come to realise that overall YOU have not changed….your MLC spouse is simply now looking at you through a completely different shaped window. It takes a little bit of distance too to take off our own ‘rose tinted glasses’ and see the wider picture of who they were even while we were very happy with them and them seemingly with us. There are some commonalities too in how these folks tend to react once their own internal lid blows off. And these are the MLC type behaviours you read about here. They tend to run away, either physically or emotionally. They tend to try to find external things to distract them or make them feel better - a new job, a new place, new friends, new lifestyle and/or an ow/om ( and I’m sorry but the chances are high that there will turn out to be an Ow of some sort in the mix, perhaps one in the country they visited before BD in your case). And bc they are not very ‘grown up’, like teenagers they run in emotions cranked up to 11/10….rage, self pity or entitlement - as well as changing their minds from one week to the next. They are extraordinarily self-centred, like a teenager, and they lie a lot to either get what they want or avoid what they don’t want. They may say they have a plan but tbh usually it becomes obvious that they really don’t. It’s more like throwing spaghetti against a wall to see what sticks :)
And none of this is caused by you, about you or can be fixed by you.
I have some young teenage acquaintances that I really like, but I wouldn’t want to put them in charge of my life or wellbeing. :) And imho, as an LBS, that’s exactly what the rollercoaster is like. It is very early days for you, my friend, but imho the way forward for all LBS is to reach a point when you choose to take your life keys back from a metaphorical teenager. Particularly about big important stuff and things that affect your own mental and physical wellbeing.
What do I mean by that? I think there is a time when all of us LBS are trying to work out what’s happening and what they are going to do next in order to try to come up with some sort of plan about what we should do. Practically speaking, that’s understandable and normal when you share your life with another human, isn’t it? Sometimes our plan is about trying to save our marriage, sometimes it is even about trying to save them. It is almost always a bit like running around trying to put the fires out while our spouse plays with matches ignoring our pleas, particularly early on. What changes - and it takes us all longer than we might wish with hindsight - is that we change our lens from a We to a Me. We accept that, for reasons that make no sense to us, they are going to keep setting new fires and so we need to find (or make) a safe place for ourselves where they can’t burn down anything else that matters to us. And that includes accepting that we have no control over what they do with their matches and that it is an impossible job (and not our responsibility) to save them from the consequences of their own fires. Every single one of us here knows deep in our bones how very hard and confusing it is to do that. And every single one of us has had to learn our own best way to do it, usually through trial and error.
But the first step is to take the keys back from the teenager. :)
The only other alternative, if you don’t, is to hand your life and future over to a teenager who does not currently care much what happens to you. That rarely works out well for we LBS. And bizarrely it doesn’t even seem to do much good for the MLC spouse either.
So, I am more sorry than I can say that this is happening in your life. Even more so bc you are so vulnerable after the loss of your father which wasn’t your choice either.
But it IS happening. And it is not going to magically or quickly go away.
So I would encourage you to keep trying to find a way to accept the reality of the quacking duck in front of your nose right now and act accordingly. By all means, hope for a future better….but plan and act assuming the worst case scenarios.
Go slow and steady.
Look at how much of the fabric of your current life is based on a We and how much is not. Start thinking how you can turn the We bits into Me bits. Work out what makes you feel safer and calmer and stronger….do more of that, whatever it is, and less of anything that makes you feel confused, distressed or afraid. Take legal or financial advice even if you are not ready to act on it yet bc information can help you think about the We/Me bits. Aim for the 80/20 rule - which probably feels impossible right now, right? - where 80% of your mental energy and time is focused on the Me stuff. And don’t be afraid that if you focus on Me you are shutting down all hope of a future possible We….that is an unknown yet, but, as you will see from stories here, focusing on the Me stuff is a win-win. If there is no reconciliation, you will need a good safe Me. If there is reconciliation, it is not an easy path and needs a good safe Me anyway.
I hope that your day today has done pockets of calm and kindness in it. Those pockets can feel tiny, I know, but they are like small bricks that we can use to build a future foundation so they are not nothing. X
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Treasur this is a great explanation. Genuinely. Thank you for this.
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Treasur- that should be added to the newbies basic info. So well thought out and written and absolutely accurate for everyone
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Treasur this is a great explanation. Genuinely. Thank you for this.
That is so true! Treasurs replies helped me a lot.
I didn't write anything during the last days because I am typing on my phone and hoped to be home soon to type on my computer, but oh well, still at the hospital.. might go home (means to my fathers house) end of this week.
I didn't hear much from my h. But some things happened nonetheless: he went visiting his brother (the last thing he told me). His siblings and me are pretty close, we really like each other. I reached out to his brother to ask him what he thinks about the situation - and he didn't know! My H didn't tell him anything and behaved like always. I didn't expect this. When being asked why I didn't come with him, he simply told his brother, that I am at my fathers place. His brother was totally shocked by what I told him and said he doesn't understand him. He never wanted to go back to his home country before. His brother visited me yesterday and went to see my H (without telling him he saw me) afterwards. He now wrote me that my H finally admitted that the relationship is not good right now“, which makes me furious. He doesn't even have the guts to tell him that HE out of the blue told me he doubts the marriage! It seems like he wants to shift blame and responsibility on me somehow. He also wrote me a text when I was meeting with his brother, just saying are you already in XY city?“ because he was suspicious his brother might visit me and wanted to find out, I am sure. Which I found hurtful. No communication for days and he doesn't even ask me „how are you“, it’s just about him and his feelings.
His brother told me today that he doesn't talk about me, just about his plans for future (going abroad, totally different jobs,…). He also said to him that he doesn't know if he still loves me or not, which he didn't tell me. His brother also said he acts kind of cold and distant, even to him. And he says he is like he was as a teenager; no communication, seems cold, like he really regressed into his teenage self again, like treasur said. His brother says he was so much more open and seemed happy since he was with me and that I had such a good influence on him communication wise and now it’s like his old self is there again. Also fits to having no core and adapting to people around him maybe?
I cried a lot today. My therapist here said it is okay to feel more anger, because I kept on explaining his behavior with his family issues, life crisis etc. I try to balance it; but I can't be angry at the man I spent 8 years with, but kind of hate the man he is now, if that makes sense.
I have no hope that he will change his mind again; it’s like the man I knew is gone. I try to make plans with friends for the time after leaving the hospital, to have something to look forward to. I try my best to detach and focus on me only. I sometimes wish he at least would tell me he wants a divorce so that I am forced to let go of the last hope, for this hope keeps me floating in waiting all the time. If he doesn't even know if he loves me anymore and clearly doesn't care about how I am or what I am doing, why doesn't he just make the cut and end this torment? :( he also told his brother he knows what we had was special and that he maybe never will find something like this again. Please! If it would be so special, why would you just leave me like this??
I also think there might be another women or maybe just the idea of meeting other women, too. I try not to think about it too much.
I try to get as much help (professional and from friends) as I can to make sure I will not break down again and work through this trauma. I am proud of all of you reading this and answering that you dealt with your MLC situations so well!! It’s so hard, you should be very proud!!
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First of all, Singstein, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear father. You are not alone in experiencing a profound loss just a short time before BD. I also had a dear father, to cancer, who I had buried a couple of months before BD and also have no siblings. Others here were also bereaved or experiencing serious illnesses. It is part of the shock I think to receive such a huge rejection from the person you most trusted when you are already vulnerable.
So I want you to recognise that your natural system is affected by both….the normal grief of losing a loved parent and then the more complicated grief and confusion when a spouse becomes almost unrecognisable. I hope that your stay in hospital has given you a short breathing space and, as others say, please remember that navigating multiple losses is not a quick fix so you need to take the best care you can of your own physical and emotional health. And focus on the basics….sleep, food, fresh air, baby steps. Are you seeing a therapist as part of your ongoing support system?
That includes making big decisions about where and how you live and work and involve yourself in the rest of life. Where is your h living currently? Does your work allow you to support yourself financially? Do you jointly own your current apartment? Do you like living in the city where you live now? Do you have good friends who can support you where you live now?
As a general rule after a big loss, better to go slowly and steadily in making other big changes that are irreversible imho….having said that, please understand that grief upends us all for a while and it can feel like going a bit nuts….it did for me…..and that sometimes, surprisingly, building a different life after loss can help one see that a lot of things are less fixed or important than they seemed before. One has to trust one's own instincts, I think, and be very very kind to yourself. A decent therapist can give you a safe space to think aloud before you act though and that can be a really useful life jacket. Iota's a normal reaction to grief - BC it activates our fight/flight/freeze system - to find it hard to make decisions, or to long for a place to run away to, or to not want to change a thing. However that comes out in you, I would like you to accept that your ‘bandwidth’ is reduced right now….that this is normal after a big bereavement even without all the stuff to do with your spouse.and that it takes time to navigate that. And of course, as I recall all too well, death comes with a lot of admin and decisions, big and small, doesn't it, which are exhausting too?
I will come back and respond to the MLC/spouse stuff separately.
This post is more about you.
But I want you to know two things, spoken from my own experience.
You are not alone and you are not crazy BC a lot of us here have walked in the awful shoes you are walking in right now.
You are not permanently broken and you will not always feel exactly how you feel today even if it seems as if you will. There is a life worth having on the other side of this even if you don't quite believe it and can't see it yet. Your task at the moment is to survive and navigate this stage for long enough and with enough care for yourself until you get there. And you will. I didn't believe I would but I was wrong. But sometimes when you lose your own faith and hope and eneryou need to borrow some - you can borrow mine and others here. It kind of takes a village imho to swim through s$it and shark-filled waters when you are out of steam and have no idea of the direction to swim in :)
I also wanted to answer the questions. We share an apartment (rent). It was my apartment (with a flatmate) before, so he should move out, and I guess he will. As I don't want to stay in this apartment or city anyway, I am sure about moving to my fathers house. That will be a hassle (800 km…); but I will deal with it somehow. I already talked to my boss and it’s okay for me to work from there permanently, thanks to COVID.. I went back to the apartment last Friday while he was gone and packed some more stuff, and I couldn't stand being there. With all those things we gifted each other, we bought the furniture together, painted the walls, … We were so happy there and now it made me sick to my stomach to be there. It is good to change cities, and I have a lot of friends in the city I grew up in. But thinking about living alone in the house (my mother has an apartment in another city; my parents always had two places) makes me sad. I am such a big relationship person; I never liked living alone and never liked being single. And with nearly 40… that will be my loneliest birthday.
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Sending a cyber hug. You have a lot on your plate to sort out with just the logistics of moving and sorting belongings. The relationship piece is overwhelming but... you are taking steps to find your center/balance again. Maybe a temporary measure would be to have a housemate when you move into your Father´s house- that could dampen the loneliness factor while you heal. Know that folks all over the world reading your thread care.
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Sending a cyber hug. You have a lot on your plate to sort out with just the logistics of moving and sorting belongings. The relationship piece is overwhelming but... you are taking steps to find your center/balance again. Maybe a temporary measure would be to have a housemate when you move into your Father's house- that could dampen the loneliness factor while you heal. Know that folks all over the world reading your thread care.
Thank you so much!
I really was thinking about maybe getting a housemate; I will take some time to see how it goes living alone. This forum helps me a lot, so I see that others are having the same struggle and live through it.
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Okay; just journaling today…
I will get out of the hospital on Friday, stay with friends till Sunday and go to my fathers - now my - house on Sunday. Monday I will start working normal hours again. I hope all goes well and I can keep the Depression from growing again.
My H who just wrote to check if I met with his brother didn’t write much more. I stayed calm and neutral in my short answers, somehow mirroring him. Last time I did write more affectionate things (I miss you; I hope you are feeling good), but it hurt to get no real reply to this, so I‘d rather just be neutral in my tone. Now that I know through his brother that he doesn’t seem to think about me at all and is not sure if he loves me anyway, it hurts really bad but at the same time it helps distancing a bit, because the hope he would snap out of it (soon) is vanishing. I have the feeling he will be a vanished by the way, as soon as he moves out which he will, I don’t doubt it. Perhaps that is also easier in the long run for detachment. I still don’t want a divorce and I still love him (a friend ask me that yesterday - of course!) but it doesn’t change anything. Maybe he really has to find himself finally in life and maybe he will be happy. Maybe one day I do wish for him to be happy without me. Right now this is very hard.
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Singstein (I had to laugh a bit at this as, in German, it would translate to English as "Sing Rock" and I have a hard time visualizing a person as a rock, let alone a rock that sings),
Not to be a Dobby Downer but a Mid-Life Crisis is not a sprint to the finish. It is, unfortunately similar to an ultramarathon Tough Mudder Competition and not every Mid-Lifer (I have no empirical evidence to support this but...) or even most Mid-Lifers will come out of the tunnel in a new an improved version that we (as a LBS that has done our own work of growth and recovery) are going to be much interested in.....
You are already doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself so you are clearing the first hurdles on this journey so good on you!
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I have no empirical evidence to support this but...
I wish there was a way to formally and scientifically track the data around the stories here. There's got to be what, 15 YEARS of history here!??? Maybe members can opt-in to a study and be open to follow ups about where they ended up? I think it would be so useful to see this data, 10/15 years on.
The data from this site has PHD written all over it. Someone just needs to unlock it.
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I guess for many Why that HS fulfills a need for support in a time of need and many posters don’t return here for many different reasons. Some may heal and move on alone or with another significant person and not want to return here as it may open up old wounds. Some may drop in but not want to update us on their progress. And then a few may reconcile and not want to return here as they are putting their energy into that.
There’s just not enough consistent data for anything but a theory on MLC on here!
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There’s just not enough consistent data for anything but a theory on MLC on here!
There is no way to objectively measure data to be statistically significant. It is all anecdotal. There is no definitive diagnosis for MLC. RCR has done a great job of writing about MLC in her articles and blogs and I believe she might even have a book.
AND, regardless of whatever the stats are concerning "returns" it may not apply to you and your marriage at all.
So live life as though they are not coming back. You cannot base your life on "what if".
Even as a stander, I live my life as though he is never coming back.
I am not sure it would be ethical or legal to use any of the information here without consent from the poster which would be difficult to obtain.
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Singstein (I had to laugh a bit at this as, in German, it would translate to English as "Sing Rock" and I have a hard time visualizing a person as a rock, let alone a rock that sings),
Not to be a Dobby Downer but a Mid-Life Crisis is not a sprint to the finish. It is, unfortunately similar to an ultramarathon Tough Mudder Competition and not every Mid-Lifer (I have no empirical evidence to support this but...) or even most Mid-Lifers will come out of the tunnel in a new an improved version that we (as a LBS that has done our own work of growth and recovery) are going to be much interested in.....
You are already doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself so you are clearing the first hurdles on this journey so good on you!
Yes; the name was a teenager idea long ago; two names fused together; the literal meaning is funny, that’s true ;D
I don’t believe if my H finds happiness with his plans it will be with me, because he wants to move to other countries anyway. I just thought maybe he will be happy with it (and divorced), who knows. His brother doesn’t think so, but you never know.
Today I was thinking if it’s wrong that I basically withdrew from the situation. I guess otherwise we would both be in the apartment and have more contact. But at the same time I couldn’t bear to be with his new cold self sleeping on the couch. I was just thinking about it because most here let the MLC spouse move out at his own will. In my case I decided I can’t live there with him right now. What do you think about this? For me it’s better for detachment, but maybe it crushes all reconciliation possibilities? It’s just theoretical because I couldn’t go back right now. Every cold message he sends makes me nearly throw up…
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I live not too far from a park with ringing (singing) rocks. You go with a hammer and walk amongst the boulders. You tap on the boulders and they sing, so it´s not too far fetched:)
You left the apartment as a step towards self-preservation also knowing that you do have an alternate place to live. That is rational behavior.
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The cardinal rule of LBS'dom - Put on your own life jacket first!
You left the flat, as FTT noted, as a step in self-preservation because you had the option to do so... Sounds perfectly reasonable to me....
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The cardinal rule of LBS'dom - Put on your own life jacket first!
You left the flat, as FTT noted, as a step in self-preservation because you had the option to do so... Sounds perfectly reasonable to me....
Thank you so much <3
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I know this may sound harsh, but it is unlikely he is thinking about your actions at the moment. Having taken a sledge hammer to his life, he is likely in high action mode, riding the wave of this energy toward, what Treasur calls, his Magic Happy. This seems to be common in the early days of MLC, the cold behaviours (see the title of my first post :( ), the complete disregard of the formerly precious spouse. It is truly bewildering and disorientating (I literally felt like the ground gave way beneath my feet), but if you think about it, it's completely nuts. IMO, it is one of the clearest signs of some sort of breakdown. But he is trying to outrun it and in this state, he has nothing to give you. He cannot support you, even if he wanted to do. Things will change, that is a given, but for now, you must listen to your body. I say body, because this is your emergency survival (fight, flight etc) reaction. It is probably you most reliable friend at the moment, so keep listening to it. Your body says 'get distance' and you did that, and it is likely what you need most at the moment. A safe space to breath. Try to trust yourself, your instincts seem pretty good. And, as others have said, you may want to lean in (on) some close friends and family for a while. You'll be surprised of the love that comes back when you ask for some help.
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I know this may sound harsh, but it is unlikely he is thinking about your actions at the moment. Having taken a sledge hammer to his life, he is likely in high action mode, riding the wave of this energy toward, what Treasur calls, his Magic Happy. This seems to be common in the early days of MLC, the cold behaviours (see the title of my first post :( ), the complete disregard of the formerly precious spouse. It is truly bewildering and disorientating (I literally felt like the ground gave way beneath my feet), but if you think about it, it's completely nuts. IMO, it is one of the clearest signs of some sort of breakdown. But he is trying to outrun it and in this state, he has nothing to give you. He cannot support you, even if he wanted to do. Things will change, that is a given, but for now, you must listen to your body. I say body, because this is your emergency survival (fight, flight etc) reaction. It is probably you most reliable friend at the moment, so keep listening to it. Your body says 'get distance' and you did that, and it is likely what you need most at the moment. A safe space to breath. Try to trust yourself, your instincts seem pretty good. And, as others have said, you may want to lean in (on) some close friends and family for a while. You'll be surprised of the love that comes back when you ask for some help.
Yes; you are right. And I totally agree with you; he doesn’t look at my actions anyway but is probably happy I am out of the way so he can concentrate on his future plans. „ truly bewildering and disorientating“ is a really good way of putting it. I also felt like I was suddenly falling in endless depths. The time at the psychiatric ward was really good, because it was a totally new environment and I met so many new nice people, made new friendships and was able to focus mostly on me. Tomorrow I will be released and I hope it all works out without having a total breakdown again. I am always glad if I make one day without sobbing uncontrollably. My husbands brother is really nice, texting me, wants to help me, as he doesn’t understand his brothers behavior. Same with his sister. He doesn’t seem to care about them right now either. We are all confused but I told them about the possibility of MLC and how it works. His sister immediately said „oh no, I hope I don’t get one later in life!!“ :D so cute; she is in her 20s right now.
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I agree with the others that there is something very constructive about choosing to move away from something that your instincts tell you would currently be harmful to your wellbeing. We are not always in a position where we can do that in the way we wish, but you were and you did. Well done.
By all means, accept the loving support of your h’s family but with caution. Not bc they are bad people or responsible for your h’s behaviour any more than you are. But bc they are bewildered and distressed too and may look to you for answers that you don’t have and that are not your job to come up with. Or they may inadvertently (or intentionally) act as a connection or conduit to your h that might feel good but not necessarily be helping your own desire to detach more and do what you need to do for you.
I would also suggest this is a time to choose the bird in the hand every time over the possible two birds in a future bush :)….to choose your mental and practical wellbeing over any unknown future reconciliation. To focus on the right here and right now as much as you can. And to be open-minded tbh that how you feel today - and what you need - may not be how you will always feel, which includes your attitude to reconciliation. Which is ok too.
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I agree with the others that there is something very constructive about choosing to move away from something that your instincts tell you would currently be harmful to your wellbeing. We are not always in a position where we can do that in the way we wish, but you were and you did. Well done.
By all means, accept the loving support of your h’s family but with caution. Not bc they are bad people or responsible for your h’s behaviour any more than you are. But bc they are bewildered and distressed too and may look to you for answers that you don’t have and that are not your job to come up with. Or they may inadvertently (or intentionally) act as a connection or conduit to your h that might feel good but not necessarily be helping your own desire to detach more and do what you need to do for you.
I would also suggest this is a time to choose the bird in the hand every time over the possible two birds in a future bush :)….to choose your mental and practical wellbeing over any unknown future reconciliation. To focus on the right here and right now as much as you can. And to be open-minded tbh that how you feel today - and what you need - may not be how you will always feel, which includes your attitude to reconciliation. Which is ok too.
Thank you. I am sure the contact to his siblings will reduce itself over time, which is totally fine with me. Right now they don’t have contact with him, so I am not in fear I will hear any new things that bother me; but if this changes I will tell them I can’t have close contact anymore. (Did this when a former relationship ended - not MLC, normal breakup - and I noticed it doesn’t help me get over it; I also am not the type of person that contacts the Ex out of sentimental feelings or panic, although I might want to; I just KNOW it doesn’t help at all.)
I try not to think about the whole moving with all furniture and giving up the apartment yet too much, it makes me anxious how much work that will be, but one day at a time. I wait till he tells me he really wants to separate and move out, which I expect to happen some day in the next weeks/months. I am afraid of this, but mentally kind of prepared I hope. I know right know I would like to reconcile, but doubt the possibility anyway.
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I understand the wondering about "should I have left the apartment or not?"
In my situation, I asked my xH to move out about a month and a half after he declared he was done with the marriage.
I spent months wondering if I had done the right thing. If I was upsetting any chances of reconciliation, etc.. but the truth of it was that I simply couldn't spend any more time in a house with someone who looked like my H at the time and yet acted the way he did. I know several LBSs were able to do that for a long time but it wasn't my case, the damage to me as a person was too big and I decided to put myself first. You literally got your life blown up by the person who you probably trusted the most. It's a very traumatic life event and you are having to endure that shortly after losing your dad. I think you were very wise to look after your own mental health.
My xH moved abroad a few months after we separated and as hard as that was to swallow at the time, the lack of contact helped me to step away from the MLC rollercoaster and eventually rebuild my life. I also had to live alone when he moved out. I'm not going to lie, it was overwhelming and lonely at the beginning, I had never lived alone before either. But things got easier as time went by. It's all very recent and raw for you now but things will get better. You will see many threads here and, unfortunately, most are stories of how LBSs rebuilt after the MLC bombs and not so many reconciliations. But if those threads tell you something, it's that there is life after this. Even if it feels quite hard to imagine right now.
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I understand the wondering about "should I have left the apartment or not?"
In my situation, I asked my xH to move out about a month and a half after he declared he was done with the marriage.
I spent months wondering if I had done the right thing. If I was upsetting any chances of reconciliation, etc.. but the truth of it was that I simply couldn't spend any more time in a house with someone who looked like my H at the time and yet acted the way he did. I know several LBSs were able to do that for a long time but it wasn't my case, the damage to me as a person was too big and I decided to put myself first. You literally got your life blown up by the person who you probably trusted the most. It's a very traumatic life event and you are having to endure that shortly after losing your dad. I think you were very wise to look after your own mental health.
My xH moved abroad a few months after we separated and as hard as that was to swallow at the time, the lack of contact helped me to step away from the MLC rollercoaster and eventually rebuild my life. I also had to live alone when he moved out. I'm not going to lie, it was overwhelming and lonely at the beginning, I had never lived alone before either. But things got easier as time went by. It's all very recent and raw for you now but things will get better. You will see many threads here and, unfortunately, most are stories of how LBSs rebuilt after the MLC bombs and not so many reconciliations. But if those threads tell you something, it's that there is life after this. Even if it feels quite hard to imagine right now.
Thank you <3 it’s good to her your story and you are absolutely right. I also think it will get easier after we really are separated (bc I know he will) and he moves abroad. I wish we hadn’t married, it would all be easier, especially bc it’s so humiliating being divorced after 1,5 years, but I tell myself I can’t change it.
My first ever breakup with my first long relationship was totally normal but really painful. I remember thinking it will never end but it did and I found love again; so I try to remind myself that everything will pass, even if it’s more traumatic this time and 100 times more painful.
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Today I will leave the hospital. I am nervous about it. It was like a safe space for me; different environment, nice people, help, distraction. I am afraid all will be overwhelming after being in kind of my old life again.. tomorrow I will go to the apartment again to get some of my stuff and take one of the people I met here (kind of an adopted little brother after those four weeks :D ) with me as support. I don’t know if my H will be there or maybe an OW with him; you never know.. Taking the train to my fathers house/different city on Sunday. No news from my H at all. Feels like he already totally erased my existence in his head, but I guess better than monstering…
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Go slow and steady, my friend.
We are all thinking of you and cheering you on
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So today I went with a friend I made at the hospital to get some more stuff from our apartment. My H was shocked to see me, and more so the guy he didn’t know. First thing he asked: „who is this??“ After packing my stuff we hugged a long time - and he cried a lot. Said he loves me, that he is not well and he is sorry about that he couldn’t help me in my situation. He „doesn’t know“. I didn’t cry; I simply told him I still love him and don’t want a divorce, that I would like to be there for him but well…
The friend said afterward that he doesn’t know what to make of this behavior. I don’t get it either, but he is still confused and hurting clearly and I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him. But I can’t. At least he didn’t treat me coldly and seems to worry about me dating other men. I feel drained of all energy now, but I am proud I didn’t cry or beg. Now I am spending time with another friend, going to dinner and tomorrow going rock climbing together.
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Great job for taking care of yourself and having a friend help you, for giving a supportive answer but not getting into a relationship discussion when it's such a hard thing you are doing (moving your things), and for taking care of yourself with dinner and then rock-climbing.
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Yes, I agree with Reinventing - it may not seem it now, but it took a lot of strength to go back to the apartment and get your things. And it's a testament to your own survival instincts that you knew that you needed some help and support to do this and this help was given readily. The fact that you are able to ask for help is a big part of the recovery. I recognize well the situation you describe with your H. It is so painful and it can hurt deeply, because our empathy and love means we absorb the pain. We don't just switch off our feelings for our spouses. I've had a very similar situation happen to me. At first, I felt a sort of vindicated, but then I realized, that was completely the wrong way to think about this awful situation plus I already knew in my bones his crisis wasn't because of me. More importantly, it doesn't change much in the short term. You have still been harmed and your recovery process will be the same. It has to be gone through. Through, not over :( But, the fact that your H has said these things, it does show some self-reflection, and IF he keeps to this, and winds in the blaming of you, it may help you establish a better way to reconnect in the future. But it such early days, and emotions are all over the place. The term used here is cycling. You will likely see it in him and yourself. That's why it is always better to give yourself a bit of time before making any decisions relating to your H or your M. Another adage here is the Rule of 3 - take 3 minutes, days, months. Three days seems th most sensible to me :) But, I honestly think the best way to help the situation, for now, is to solely focus on your recovery. He needs time alone to answer his own questions - the whole 'don't know' of it. I hope you are settled somewhere safe for now. You've just taken another major step.
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Kudos to your care providers for having helped you find that amount of strength in a month. It does seem odd that your H was shocked to see you- makes one wonder just how much the LBS is erased from the files. Kinda like, "Oh, you still exist?" When you are having a moment of feeling that you have to help him as he´s in crisis- remind yourself that he was ok not checking in on you during the worst of your worst. You still have a lot of healing to do on your own before you´ll be strong enough to be the person he can fall apart on- if you even want to take on that role in the future. You did provide a road map for him in terms of how when one is in a really bad mental state, reaching out for help is a great option.
Rock climbing is a great idea as you have to be 100% in the moment with no mental energy to spare on the whole MLC situation. While being in your Dad´s house will be tough in many respects, there´s also the comfort of being in a place that you know well that has the belongings of someone you loved and who loved you.
Here´s to daily steps of progress as you navigate the next couple of months.
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Thank you all so much; I really appreciate it!
I don’t read too much into his behavior because I know it can change again over night. I am on my way to my home town and already I am planning things to do with friends. I am glad I am leaving this city anf today I feel pretty good about building a new future while also standing (standing can change of course; right now I still love him and miss him so I keep on hoping about a future together, but I am prepared to have one without him if I must). I am glad I have a lot of good friends; otherwise I would feel very lonely.
The rock climbing today was great! Sports really help because you have to concentrate on what you are doing. And it went well, so it was good for my self-esteem.
I am still going with the version of no contact to my H in terms of I don’t contact him but answer politely and quite nice if he texts me. That feels good for me and I don’t wait for answers.
The health care provider really was the best thing to do. I believe without getting help I would be in a much worse place right now. I encourage everyone to seek help; I know some health care systems make it hard, depending on the country.. I got an app where you have 12 appointments with therapists online during the next months till I find a therapist directly in the new city.
Again, thank you all so much! It helps a lot!
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“but I can't be angry at the man I spent 8 years with, but kind of hate the man he is now, if that makes sense”
I have been reading through your thread and even though you said this a while ago, it 100% makes sense to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way. This is why I enjoy reading through all the threads here. I feel so much less alone.
I hope you are well and have had some fun times with your friends.
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That feels good for me and I don’t wait for answers.
And that is the most important thing--how it works for you.
You are really doing well getting your supports in place and being practical about building your life while you stand.
Not to say that it doesn't hurt deeply and that you don't have cycling emotions, but even with all of that, you are focusing on setting up your best recovery from this.
I wish I had thought of rock climbing because running did allow for thinking. Swimming was a bit more demanding as far as thinking about what you were doing (so that I didn't breathe in water, sometimes while crying), but rock climbing would have absolutely taken every bit of concentration for me.
Finding ways to give my brain and body a break from the pain was a focus of mine for sure. So that I could endure the next 15 minutes......
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“but I can't be angry at the man I spent 8 years with, but kind of hate the man he is now, if that makes sense”
I have been reading through your thread and even though you said this a while ago, it 100% makes sense to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.
That is because "the man he is now" is sort of like this guy....
(https://media.giphy.com/media/UGba4CcQG8T9m/giphy.gif)
or this one
(https://media.giphy.com/media/ghvpxMEtmdhuw/giphy.gif)
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You sound great and are doing all the things that definitely for me were most helpful. Exercise and friends!! I also agree that you can hate the man he is now and still care for the man he was. I firmly believe they are all in there somewhere. Who has the strength to find themselves again and evolve… that is the unknown and so keep moving forward and keeping busy is a great way to do it!!
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Sooo, I just posted in the Facebook group and didn't write anything here, because.. well, not much has happened since seeing him this saturday. I went to my fathers house, got settled, started working, sorting through my fathers stuff and I keep busy meeting friends. Actually one friend who is really lovesick, too, is staying here for a few days, which is really nice. She also is shocked about my H, because she always thought we are the perfect goal couple (like a lot of people did). I also had a new friend from the hospital staying for one night, reconnected with old friends from school and even with my first love, whose friends I always liked and he invited me for his birthday (he has a girlfriend, so it is just about friendship, which I really would like if that works). I was really lovesick 12 years ago when this relationship ended and today everything is fine, so I try to think that will be the same in the future for my husband, if he really leaves... So, all in all, I am doing pretty okay.
The only new thing I heard about me H is from a friend of mine. She talked to him on the phone four weeks ago, because she also is going through a crisis because of her job and thought she might be able to help him. She asked him if he was always happy in this relationship with me or if the crisis just brought up the things he didn't like. He said, he was always happy in our relationship. For me it is just weird that someone says this and at the same time thinks about divorcing! At least he doesn't seem to blame me for his problems, or not yet. And I know that he felt the same way in the last years, that he was happy with me.
Every ten days he sends me something like a picture of my plants or right now a picture of our calender so I don't miss an appointment on monday. I reply friendly and thank him, and he never replies back. I don't know that to make of this. He doesn't seem interested in conversation, but he also could just not send anything if he doesn't think about me or doesn't want any contact. He still didn't decide if he really wants to seperate or not; and he never brings that up. I am still paying half of the rent; my boss already told me I should stop that, but if I do, I put pressure on him and I am afraid of that.. I think I will give it two more months, but if he still hasn't decided anything by then I have to tell him I will move to my new city permenantly...
My 40th birthday is coming up in a month and I am kind of afraid I will be depressed having to celebrate it without father nor H, so I asked my former host brother in New York if I could visit him and his girlfriend, and he said, of course :) So I need to get my passport from the apartment, but this will be a nice birthday, I am excited about it.
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Sooo, now I want to tell the latest developments! My husband suddenly told me on thursday he wants to come see me on friday. I was shocked. I told him if he wants to separate, he doesn't have to take the train for 6 hours. He said he doesn't want to. So he came and stayed the whole weekend.
Basically; I was right with everything I thought. His therapist told him, he had depression and MLC!! And he totally understands that and accepts that. She also asked a lot about his childhood and he said he suddenly understands all of these issues affecting his whole life. He always felt controlled and like he had to make others happy, especially his mother, also his first girlfriend. He never thought about what HE wants or made decisions based on his preference. This will sure take a long time in therapy to sort this all out. But he said he thought about our relationship and how it always made him happy. I never controlled or pushed him, he could always be himself. He wants to sort out his other things (what kind of job, what makes him happy), but while being married to me. He cried a lot and constantly. I told him openly about my feelings, that I have trouble trusting him again, how I felt, how the time at the hospital turned out. He said he just didn't know that I was feeling so bad and he is so sorry. I said I need some time to process, but of course I want to make it work again. So he left yesterday and since then we are in constant contact, like we always were in the relationship.
It is so weird! It's like my old husband is back and the alien is gone. He talked openly and was his former self again. I am anxious he might change his mind again, but he seems pretty solid right now. It is such a small time frame! But he went to therapy every week and thought about everything every day, he says, so he didn't go out or distract himself. He was basically sitting in our apartment and thinking and crying nonstop. Crazy.
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His therapist told him, he had depression and MLC!! And he totally understands that and accepts that
That's not something we see often here.
Glad to hear your good news. Keep us posted. The LBS has their own set of emotions to work through with their return. I think Evas had a similar situation to what you've experienced. You may look up her thread.
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As Reinventing said, it’s rare to see this. And I wish you both well.
However….
What we DO see here quite often is that these big breakthrough conversations and intentions don’t always turn out in an entirely straightforward way without ups and downs and that actions don’t always necessarily consistently follow words. It just seems to be an inherent part of the crisis rollercoaster. Plus tbh I suspect your own emotions are a full bag right now. After all, only a month or so ago, he was talking (perhaps with similar conviction) about a job abroad and ending your relationship so it is reasonable to wait and see what happens next, isn’t it?
So
I would encourage you strongly to follow your own current course and see what happens. Let him catch up and translate his words into actions if he chooses to. Keep your birthday trip plans as they are. Invest nothing big or life critical in a way that depends on your h doing x or y. Be very kind to yourself about how much stress and change you are dealing with right now quite aside from what is going on in your marriage. After all, it is only a few weeks ago that you were needing to be in hospital, right? Go slow and steady, keep the door open as you wish and see what happens. When in doubt, choose the choice that leaves you feeling calmer and stronger and prioritises what you need at least as much as what you think he needs or wants…..go slower to go quicker, if that makes sense?….bc crisis folks can be very self-focused and this is your life too.
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His therapist told him, he had depression and MLC!! And he totally understands that and accepts that
That's not something we see often here.
Glad to hear your good news. Keep us posted. The LBS has their own set of emotions to work through with their return. I think Evas had a similar situation to what you've experienced. You may look up her thread.
Thank you; I will look into that!!
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As Reinventing said, it’s rare to see this. And I wish you both well.
However….
What we DO see here quite often is that these big breakthrough conversations and intentions don’t always turn out in an entirely straightforward way without ups and downs and that actions don’t always necessarily consistently follow words. It just seems to be an inherent part of the crisis rollercoaster. Plus tbh I suspect your own emotions are a full bag right now. After all, only a month or so ago, he was talking (perhaps with similar conviction) about a job abroad and ending your relationship so it is reasonable to wait and see what happens next, isn’t it?
So
I would encourage you strongly to follow your own current course and see what happens. Let him catch up and translate his words into actions if he chooses to. Keep your birthday trip plans as they are. Invest nothing big or life critical in a way that depends on your h doing x or y. Be very kind to yourself about how much stress and change you are dealing with right now quite aside from what is going on in your marriage. After all, it is only a few weeks ago that you were needing to be in hospital, right? Go slow and steady, keep the door open as you wish and see what happens. When in doubt, choose the choice that leaves you feeling calmer and stronger and prioritises what you need at least as much as what you think he needs or wants…..go slower to go quicker, if that makes sense?….bc crisis folks can be very self-focused and this is your life too.
Yes; that is what I intend to do and he said he understands. I will keep all my plans and wait; I won't return to our apartment and city and he has to figure his other stuff out. I am willing to help him with job things if he wants help, but it is ultimately his inner conflict he has to come to terms with. I also told him if he decides to move abroad and live his dreams I understand; but I demand communication, even if it's a breakup. He told me he knows he should have talked to me two months earlier or more.
So, now I just take one day at a time and wait what comes up next. I am pretty happy with my life right now as it is and won't let myself be dependent on him again emotionally.
He reached out to our friends again, wants to meet up with them, which I think is good. He really didn't have contact with anyone for three weeks, just staying at the apartment, being in sick leave and doing nothing but crying and thinking; so this was the deep depression part he is hopefully leaving behind for now. The therapist said of course it can always come back.
I know a lot about his childhood; abuse, emotional abuse, pressure, and I always told him that might come up again later, although he thought he left it behind. Now he agrees with me about having to dive into this. It also affected us in the beginning. When he moved in with me he told his mother he has a german girlfriend and we live together without getting married in a mosque. She straight up told him he is not her son any longer and didn't contact him for a year. He said it didn't hurt him, but I don't believe this; he was still young (25) at the time and you never easily split up with your parents, even if you rationally know they are wrong. I think this topic is even more important than his job decisions. He described depression like being underwater all the time and he felt really lonely but at the same time didn't want to contact anyone because it was too exhausting. He just didn't understand that this is how depression is like, now he knows. We spent some time in the city going out for dinner and going to small shops and he was very happy and his usual self. He asked when he can visit me again; I said maybe in two weeks, I need some time. I think taking it slow and looking for signs he really is not cycling is good.
I am also impressed by his therapist, because my therapist said it can't be MLC so early in life. His therapist said, it is for sure and it is early, but this is possible and depends on the circumstances. He read about it and talked to me about it and feels relieved there is something he can put his finger on so to say. She did a good job on sorting out the different areas in his life with him. Must be a good one.
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Hi Singstein
Nice to see your update but (and sorry for the downer) as the others have said, thread very carefully. During the early days, my xH also talked about MLC, how he was afraid of hurting me "while going through it", he loved me, he wanted to work things out, etc. He would have good days in which everything seemed normal and he would even do things (like fixing a lamp I loved and had been broken for a long time) "just to make me happy". After a few days, the dark cloud would descend again and we would be back to depression and MLC. At the time I didn't understand what was going on, I hadn't found this forum and didn't really know what MLC looked like. I understood everything looking back.
I read here before that some of them seem to be aware of what's happening early on and they make you feel like they are really trying... and then they blow up your life... at least that's how it happened to me... While all the "awareness" was going on and he was "trying to work things out", he had already met OW, was in contact with her on a regular basis and was planning a trip to see her. I only found out when he came back from his holiday with her.
Hopefully this won't be your case and your H is the exception to what we have seen here over and over.. but I would remain cautiously optimistic for a good while. I wish you all the best
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Hi Singstein
Nice to see your update but (and sorry for the downer) as the others have said, thread very carefully. During the early days, my xH also talked about MLC, how he was afraid of hurting me "while going through it", he loved me, he wanted to work things out, etc. He would have good days in which everything seemed normal and he would even do things (like fixing a lamp I loved and had been broken for a long time) "just to make me happy". After a few days, the dark cloud would descend again and we would be back to depression and MLC. At the time I didn't understand what was going on, I hadn't found this forum and didn't really know what MLC looked like. I understood everything looking back.
I read here before that some of them seem to be aware of what's happening early on and they make you feel like they are really trying... and then they blow up your life... at least that's how it happened to me... While all the "awareness" was going on and he was "trying to work things out", he had already met OW, was in contact with her on a regular basis and was planning a trip to see her. I only found out when he came back from his holiday with her.
Hopefully this won't be your case and your H is the exception to what we have seen here over and over.. but I would remain cautiously optimistic for a good while. I wish you all the best
Yes; I totally live with this possibility. Till now he is very consistent in his behavior. He also wants to join me and my friends on our vacation abroad in November to Asia (which was the plan earlier) and I won't stop him. If he drops out before that again, it's his loss of money..
With the help of my colleague he actually now found a therapist he doesn't have to pay himself, but who is paid via health insurance. The first meeting was really good; she told him he really should sort out his childhood issues, and they start next week. For comparison, in Germany you normally wait 3-6 months before finding a therapist that is paid by health insurance, so this is really lucky and he is very happy about it. He sends messages all day long like he did before and calls in the evenings, telling me all about his day and his feelings. I think right now he is really scared I might decide to end the marriage myself. He says he wants to see me all the time and plan things with me like we used to, but know he needs to give me time. We will see each other next weekend, when there is a dance class weekend in my city. I will see how that goes...
When he met our friends yesterday, it went really well for both sides and he was very happy to connect again after all this time. They are pretty understanding people and want us to work out, so they welcomed him back and told him they will be there for him. Kind of funny; when he suddenly wanted to separate, I spend so much time at their apartment and with them; they visited me at the hospital all the time, wrote me everyday. Now I am gone and they help him :D Life is strange. We owe this couple A LOT; they are so good friends and good people! And without judging or telling us what to do; they always just listened and never said "why don't you just XY" like a lot of other friends told me. They really have a great marriage; been together for I think 16 years and the way they treat each other with respect and love is always a good example for all other couples.