[Anoi]

My MLCxW still (at the age of 54) admits that she can't cook (which she can't) and doesn't know how to clean a toilet (she hires a cleaning person to come in a couple times a month to clean her flat).....

<smh>

Haha, i guess we all have our strong sides, i know how to do a lot of things and i cook good, but i dont know how to make money...:/

We had a couple of peaceful days, as he wanted, like let's not have fights and hard talks before me leaving...
Yesterday we played badminton and i fell, now something is wrong with my ankle and i am limping...troubles don't seem to end:( 
As i started to feel more at peace with the situation those couple of good days totally ruined my peace, hope for the good outcome reignited and all the sorrow about "how can he ruin this, we can be so happy together" hurts my heart again...
I know i shouldn't trust his words and should look only at his actions ( kicking me out, not ending ea, still being distant etc.) but it's very hard, i guesse he didn't betray me enough yet:*(
Anyway soon i will be crying in my friend's arms and finding my peace again... and getting used to the thought that i will be fine, that live will go on with or without him.
One time i proposed to him that i can buy a house there, he obviously didn't want that and didn't like the idea at all, i don't think it's only money wise, cause i will get this money anyway. So he prefers for now to keep me on a short leash and with hope that we can be together.. idk why? Fear that his EA will refuse to be with him and he will end up alone? Probably that. I mean he says he loves me and hopes for us, but i don't believe this reason, i can't let myself believe it.

[Anoi]

He came back late from work again and i was done.
Cried with the friend, tried to calm down, but i understood that i don't want to hear "we" about work anymore, i can't see him, i can't sleep in one bed with him.
He made his choices and i finally stood for myself. Told him i want to go as fast as possible. Will pack tomorrow during day and will leave. He knows my number if he ever wants his wife back and i know his, when i will be ready to divorce.  I need to get out of this misery, where i cry my eyes out and he invites friends for weekend and thinks everything is fine and can go on his comfortable schedule.

[Anoi]

Well i survived my first day of separation. I am proud of myself, in the evening i went to the depth of despair so deep, i couldn't see the light, but understood it was actually anxiety attack, which is totally normal in my circumstances and i dealt with it.
When he brought me we hugged and kissed, he said ( and yes im gonna miss you), though i didn't say it first, tears in his eyes, i will write, will talk bla bla... i think it's guilt talking. I asked him if it hurts, he said yes and i said than maybe therr is still a chance for us.
I called him to see if he is fine ( it was a very long journey by car almost without rest) he kinda pushed us to talk a bit about this and that. Sent me a couple of messages when arrived home, nothing personal, just some everyday stuff.
During our 13 hour trip he said many things... about how he wants to change and who he wants to be and that selfishly he keeps all options open for himself... it seems he is on the same stage that we are not good for each other, though he sees changes.
I told him that i am commited to the changed person he wants to be and to the persone, that will like to work on our relationship, not to the weirdo that he is right now. I hope at least it gives some boundaries. Though i have very little hope for reconciliation from his side. I guesse he will slowly drift away, for now he seems to be scared and wanting to keep things going.

I cried all morning, i was in terrible shape, but i got up, i went to the shop, i ate, i did some stuff around the place. And i didn't call my husband asking to please take me back. I didn't cry when i talked to him. I am doing well. I am proud of myself today.

[Anoi]

It's day 3 of separation, today we will watch "superbowl" together, he will stream for me, cause i don't have my separate account. After that we have no reasons to exchange messages except for valentines day ( i left a little surprise at home, mb stupid but thats what i do each year). He answers my messages, writes himself, but it's some organization questions... i know its too early to read into anything, just blogging.
I am not crying anymore, not very active, but it's because my ankle ruined all my activity plans, feelind more "at home" as finally unpacked and organized my space a bit. Friends are a great help to not keep me in the loop.
Still making decisions every morning and evening, still let them go, it will be a long way to personal happiness, but i guess i am better.
As he is not around i feel like i lost him forever and it sucks:(

[Anoi]

I don't know how i can love him after everything he did to me and put me through, but i still do... and it makes me cry.

[zartheit]

I don't know how i can love him after everything he did to me and put me through, but i still do... and it makes me cry.

I struggled to reconcile my love for my ex-wife even after all that she put me through. Some of the questions I used to investigate this was: why would it be wrong to love someone? What is my "error" or "mistake" in that? Why would it be wrong to love them in spite of their behavior?

The only "error" I could come up with was part of that love being at the expense of myself. To protect myself, I detached. I can now see my love for her as one of the many emotions I experience. It is no longer in conflict with the pain and hurt. There is no contradiction.

I'm sorry for the suffering you're experiencing right now. I remember those tears that seemed to never stop; like draining the sea one drop at a time. I was rubbing my face raw from tissues. I wanted to give anything to escape the weight. I can give you nothing but words: it gets better. It is unimaginable but it gets better. It just takes so much longer than seems possible.

[Anoi]

I don't know how i can love him after everything he did to me and put me through, but i still do... and it makes me cry.

I struggled to reconcile my love for my ex-wife even after all that she put me through. Some of the questions I used to investigate this was: why would it be wrong to love someone? What is my "error" or "mistake" in that? Why would it be wrong to love them in spite of their behavior?

The only "error" I could come up with was part of that love being at the expense of myself. To protect myself, I detached. I can now see my love for her as one of the many emotions I experience. It is no longer in conflict with the pain and hurt. There is no contradiction.

I'm sorry for the suffering you're experiencing right now. I remember those tears that seemed to never stop; like draining the sea one drop at a time. I was rubbing my face raw from tissues. I wanted to give anything to escape the weight. I can give you nothing but words: it gets better. It is unimaginable but it gets better. It just takes so much longer than seems possible.

Thank you for your support, i need it now, more than ever. I cry less now, that i am not in the same room and even country with him, ofc nothing is worked through for now and everything is fresh and bleeding, so i just let myself be, without letting myself go.
Today is that day, i left a little something for him at home, i always did that and i did it this year, for me it's a tradition and i just keep my ground, we didn't have any contact for the last couple of days, which is normal for him and therapeutic for me, today will write a little something nice and go back, to blackout till next week.
I don't know how he will react to my little gift, but it's his choice, my choice is to be nice person that i am, who likes little surprises for the loved ones.

[Anoi]

Well, he answered to my message fast enough... no love you or miss you - no surprise there, told me it was sweet of me to leave him something for valentines day and that he watered the flowers.
Yeah, i guess it would be worse if he wouldn't answer at all. I don't know if i should write him myself, or just completely stop all communication until he writes me...
I gotta say he ztill takes care of me financially and after all i left, yes he did everything to make it happen, but it's me who said i want to go. Ofc when i am crying and sad i prefer to think that he kicked me out like an uneanted animal and that he is a total jerk, and he is, don't get me wrong, but he keeps his promises so far.
Today after i cried about his response ( and what did i expect?) i got angry enough to learn my first words in foreign language. And it felt good. So more learning less husband.
I feel a lot of anger and pain, too much to communicate in any healthy manner. Good that texting can hide the anger and tears.

[UrsaMajor]

(Sentence 1) Today after i cried about his response ( and what did i expect?) i got angry enough to learn my first words in foreign language. And it felt good. So more learning less husband.

(Sentence 2) Well, he answered to my message fast enough... no love you or miss you - no surprise there, told me it was sweet of me to leave him something for valentines day and that he watered the flowers.
Yeah, i guess it would be worse if he wouldn't answer at all. I don't know if i should write him myself, or just completely stop all communication until he writes me...

I rearranged your note above because, you have, in a way, answered (in sentence 1) your own questions (in sentence 2)

Your question about what did you expect is a valid one because, if you ended up in a ball of tears because of his lack of response (or at least the lack of any sort of emotional response), it would tend to indicate that you DID have some expectations there. Unmet expectations are the cause of disappointment and sadness...

So, look in the mirror and ask "What do I hope to gain by writing him? What response do I want to see (what do I expect)? How likely is it that he will respond in the way I expected?" If you can TRUTHFULLY say that you do NOT expect ANY sort of emotional reply from him (in other words, you have no expectations that he will act as the person formerly known as H and not as the Bat-Snot Crazy Mid-Lifer Body Snatcher that looks like the person formerly known as H) and you are OK with that, then you have your answer to your question in Sentence 2.  If, on the other hand, you are still expecting him to suddenly have a rectal-Cranial deinvertilization (in other words, you are still expecting him to pull his head out of his,,,,,  fog.... ) then you also have your answer because, well, how often does the LBS need to stab themselves in the nose with a barbecue fork before they understand that the self-inflicted pain is just not working for them anymore....

[Anoi]

Yeah, he was crying and saying how he wanted to be invisible and he has his friends over each weekend...
Full of BS.
I want to go home:(