[GoldBird]

Hi everyone, I am a newbie here, but sadly not a newbie to the MLC. My husband left on Feb. 6, which was the Bomb Drop date for me. He ghosted me for quite a while and I thought I wouldn't survive. Little by little he began to reappear until we were finally in regular and, seemingly loving and connected contact all summer long. I know he had an alienator but I thought that was over and I was very understanding. I thought we were working on our marriage. We were affectionate and spent a lot of time together, even though he was still not living in the house. All of that changed on Aug. 15, the day his alienator called me. I was pretty surprised, but still clueless. I really believed she was not a threat. But that's pretty much the last time I saw him other than one middle of the night visit that was probably a bad decision on my part. Up until a month ago, I knew where he was living. I don't now because I am pretty sure he moved her to our city from another country and is now living with her. He won't tell and I don't ask. We have minimal contact, but a week ago he sent me a text telling me that I will always be the most sacred person in his life and nobody can change that and regardless of where his destiny takes him. I've heard nothing since. I am holding on to my belief that we will be together again once this is all over, but some days are really hard to stay out of the anxiety zone. We've been together for 30 years- married for 25. We have two children. We were a really close family up until February. I would love to read people's stories of reconciliation. And I would love a mentor.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi GoldBird,

First the formalities - I moved your post from the 2023 Story Archive Board to the Our Community Board. The "Stories" Boards are archives where threads go that have more than 150 posts or are dormant for a year. The Our Community "folder" if you will is where current threads are posted and where our members post/respond.

Secondly (and by far the more important) - Welcome. I am sorry that you have found a need to be here but glad that you found your way. If your BD was in February 2023, you are on the leading edge of the fun and games. The fact that the alienator has firmly taken hold of your ML+CH by his squishy bits is quite obvious since she had the nerve to contact you.

It would be good to know more details about you, your kids (like how old, are they still at home, etc.), what arrangements you have in place with regards to finances (be VERY careful there as Mid-Lifers can burn through cash like water over Niagara Falls and their AD (affair down) is more than willing to help them spend whatever they can get their hands on), living arrangements, whether legal steps have been initiated/taken, etc

One could theorize based on your initial post that the contact time was really what is called a "Touch and Go." Since he was hiding the fact that he still had his side piece and was active with her, one could also surmise that he was quite happy with his cake eating and thinking he was getting away with it... then he gets to have all the thrills and none of the responsibilities...

If you have been physically intimate with him while he has also been doing the Mattress mambo with the OW, you may wish to consider the possible health ramifications. You know that you are/were not carrying anything unsavory but the OW? Who knows.... and the Mid-Lifer? Has he only had one AD or multiple? Were they all "clean?" Things to think about.

In my Tagline, there is a link to the "Survival Guide for Newbies" and there are several resources there that can come in handy for getting your feet back under you after your whole world has been turned on its head.

A couple of other points to keep in mind - This crisis has nothing to do with you or your marriage. In fact, one could say that it would not have mattered a hill of beans WHO your MLCH was married to - at some point, this crisis would have happened. The OW is a symptom of the crisis and not the cause. She has NOTHING on you. In fact, although many LBS's go down the "what have they got that I don't" road for a while, it is usually quite apparent (mostly in hindsight) that the Mid-Lifer was not looking for someone "better" than the LBS. They were in search of someone WORSE than themselves so they could feel "good" about themselves again by looking down on the AD (It is not called an "Affair Down" for no reason). The Alienator is a vicious Beast that can range anywhere from this

to this

The fact that she called you and that your MLCH has done the vanishing act since points more toward the aggressive first type. Be aware that they can go all bunny boiler on the LBS without thinking twice....
Something else to consider is that the person formerly known as "Spouse" has officially left the building. the Bug in the Edgar suit that is left behind is simply the animated shell of the former person. The Body Snatcher pod int eh garden shed has now assumed full control over that body and is only interested in where their next shot of "happy" is going to come from and they will ride roughshod over anyone and anything that gets in their way in order to get that next "fix."

This means that, for the LBS, self-care becomes priority 1 - financial, physical, mental, legal. It is like being in an airplane that suffers from sudden decompression. Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others (your kids) with theirs. Speaking of kids, depending on their ages, you may or may not need to deal with the fall out of the Mid-Lifer dodging them as well. If they are older, the R between them and their father is between them and him. If they are younger, you may find yourself running interference as needed because, let's face it, as of February, you are the stable parent, the lighthouse. Their father no longer qualifies as stable.... .

Finally, feel free to post whenever you need to. This forum has members around the globe (I'm in Germany, Treasur is in the UK, there are members in Australia, New Zealand, France, Africa, the Far East and, of course, nearly every state in the US) and there is rarely a time where someone somewhere is NOT online and might answer you.

I know this is like drinking from a firehose at full flow and will take time to digest/come to grips with. We've all been through it to varying degrees. You WILL come through this however. The result is yet unknown and anything is possible so do what you need to do in order to ensure that you are OK and the rest will happen as it happens.

UM

[GoldBird]

Hi UM,

Thank you for your really supportive response to my post and moving it where it belongs. I’m finding this a bit confusing to navigate. There’s a lot to learn!
Response to some of your questions- my kids are older. My son is 21 and at home for the time. My daughter is 24 and lives across the country from us. She’s been pretty abandoned by her father- she’s the first person to have discovered his affair. She feels she’s not going to be able to forgive him for abandoning her. He’s texted a few times recently but she won’t respond.
Financially, he has never stopped contributing to our joint account and believes that to be his responsibility that he will never abandon. That seems to be the one way he can still stay connected.

Last week he sent us a family text telling us how important we are to him and how much he loves us. He had a personal message for each of us and needed us to know that he’s a great man and not a liar. Interesting. The next day he texted me to say that nobody can ever take me out of his thoughts. I’m the most sacred person in his life and always will be, no matter where destiny leads him. He loves me…I haven’t heard from him since.
It’s so hard to ride this roller coaster and train my thoughts to stop obsessively thinking about him. I pray. I meditate. I spend time with good friends, time in nature, exercise, eat well- all the stuff. I’m really blessed with so many beautiful things in my life. It’s just this one thing that consumes me no matter what I do. Some days are better than others but there’s hardly a day that the pit in my stomach isn’t present for at least part of it. Going on 10 months and I am still feeling this daily, even if my functioning is far better. I wonder when I will be able to detach enough to release the anxiety.
I’m grateful for this community. ❤️

[GoldBird]

Oh- no talk of divorce. He told a mutual friend that he doesn’t want one. That was before alienating arrived in person.

[mcm64d]

Hi GB,

I am on here 10 days before you and about 6 months after you on BD. Just wanted to say it is nice to meet you and I am sorry you are here.

This site and the people on it have been the best thing to happen to me during all of this. Very supportive and nonjudgmental.

Hoping this mess clears for your sooner than later.

[KayDee]

Hi GB,

So sorry you are here, but you are among friends who understand.

Financially, he has never stopped contributing to our joint account and believes that to be his responsibility that he will never abandon. That seems to be the one way he can still stay connected.

I don't want to alarm you, but it would be wise to have some contingency plans and back up actions in place. My H wanted to keep contributing, but the maths told me that was not possible and he was living in a weird fantasy land. I got legal advice, contacted a financial advisor and other did other things to secure my income and a safety net. I know full well it is hard to even think these things while in this maelstrom, but it is wise. Maybe a practical friend can help you with it, if you haven't done all this already that is.

Last week he sent us a family text telling us how important we are to him and how much he loves us. He had a personal message for each of us and needed us to know that he’s a great man and not a liar. Interesting. The next day he texted me to say that nobody can ever take me out of his thoughts. I’m the most sacred person in his life and always will be, no matter where destiny leads him. He loves me…I haven’t heard from him since.

Here' the horrible conundrum of this situation. On one hand, you are dealing with a severely depressed person. On the other, this person has chosen the most destructive path in an attempt to save themselves.  And as you can feel in the pit of your stomach, this is harmful to you. And to your children. And likely to others yet known. My H has said similar things. He draws me back in, and then he does something cruel and harmful. In my case, it's a pattern. I've given up trying to work out why, or if it's calculated, because ultimately, the effect is the same. Damage. I started feeling better when I went very dim on communication. Meaning I did not initiate, I do not discuss the relationship, the OW or the future. As much as it pains me to say it, I feel better when I have no contact with him.

It’s so hard to ride this roller coaster and train my thoughts to stop obsessively thinking about him. I pray. I meditate. I spend time with good friends, time in nature, exercise, eat well- all the stuff. I’m really blessed with so many beautiful things in my life. It’s just this one thing that consumes me no matter what I do. Some days are better than others but there’s hardly a day that the pit in my stomach isn’t present for at least part of it. Going on 10 months and I am still feeling this daily, even if my functioning is far better. I wonder when I will be able to detach enough to release the anxiety.. ❤️

You are doing all the right things and you are blessed with still having joy in your life. Detaching is a great mantra, but, in my experience, I needed to grieve also. And grieving involves all kinds of cycling emotions, anger being a big one. It is a process, but I don't think it is a linear one. You will likely notice small, incremental changes, and when you do, you know you are on the path to being you again.

By the way, the thing about him being the 'good guy' - that's common. As Madluv once said to me 'they truly are at war with themselves'  If your H, like many spouses here, is conflict avoidant and/or a people pleaser, his fall from grace will be eating away at him. Nothing you can do about this, he needs to work things out from himself. He is at war with himself, not you. You are, we are, collateral damage for now. (((hugs))))

[KayDee]

And what I should have said, my H stopped contributing financially after about 6 months    and I was glad to have alternative plans in place.

[Treasur]

Very sorry you need to be here, but hope you will be glad you found us.

Some years on, I’m a bit more cynical than I used to be in how I see words and actions. His texts about his sacred love etc? Well, practically speaking, that’s as much use to you and your young adult kids as a chocolate teapot. And I’d hate to see how he treats people he doesn’t consider ‘sacred’ bc he lies to, betrays and abandons those he does apparently  ….not the version of love I suspect you signed up for and probably not the version you want in your life.

My gran used to have a bunch of sayings about things like puddings and proof, and kind words not buttering parsnips etc  Her favourite though was to the effect that if you want to know the truth of someone’s intentions, watch their feet not their mouth. As I get older, I find her sayings rather wiser than I did as a teenager lol.

Part of the struggle of any LBS particularly in the initial stages is to work out what YOU think and feel, and what is livable with for you or not, healthy for you or not. And that often involves a kind of cognitive dissonance where we want things to be either/or but they seem to be a bit more both/and. What do I mean by that? I’m not saying your h did not mean what he wrote in his text, he may do….and currently how he expresses that love in action is in a way which probably doesn’t look like love to you at all. He may well not want a divorce right now…..and he is living elsewhere in a relationship with someone else whereas you are alone with a husband in name only. He might be meeting his financial commitments to you and his family from concern….and he is also able to use it as a means of control or one foot in connection if it suits him. These kinds of mixed messages can be very difficult and rather draining for you and your kids. Which is normal for we LBS. Sucks but normal. 

But words are easy and cheap, and they can change.

Imho what helps most LBS is to try hard to separate facts from feelings (or indeed hopes). Bc it helps you step back and consider what feels livable with for you and what does not, regardless of his words or actions. Or indeed anyone else’s opinion but yours. Different LBS have approached their situations differently and that’s ok too. Do you know what works best for you right now? And what doesn’t? Or what your priorities are? Or if you have a plan of action for yourself? We will support you whatever you choose and gently poke you if we think you might not be seeing the wood for the trees lol. Bc this is a tremendously painful and bewildering experience and I’m not sure any human a,ways does their best thinking in those circumstances, do we?

The one thing that is pretty universal with MLC type spouses is that they are astonishingly self-centred, very Me Me - my feelings, my wishes, my wants. Like toddlers or teenagers. With credit cards  Which is why it is so important for any LBS to take care of yourself and put your own reasonable needs and interests first bc your spouse is simply unwilling/unable to do so. You don’t have to stop caring about them….you just have to care about you and your kids and the rest of life more. And that takes a bit of time and adjustment for most of us after a long We partnership.

How can we best help you right now?

[FaithWalker]

Welcome to the board GoldBird.  It took me a while to get here after my Bomb Drop too, but boy was I glad when I found this place. 

In the scheme of MLC, February isn't that far back and definitely the first couple years are pretty rough.  Betrayal trauma is tough to just snap back from.  You've been given a lot of great advice already and will continue to get some wonderful advice.

Definitely check out the Survival for Newbies guide if you haven't yet.  And like UM said, we have members all over the world, so post as frequently as you need to.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi GoldBird,

I too am glad for you that you found us. Welcome to the "club no one should ever have to be part of"! Another LBS wrote to me this joke when I joined 5 months ago, now I can share it with you...

I am happy for you that you find blessings in your existence and that you have many activities that bring you joy. IMO the best thing to do during your H's MLC.
Another good advice I found in this forum is about time : time can be your worse friend or your best friend. Looks to me you are already making it a friend by fullfilling the time with activities that make you feel good. 

You're in a good place here : us posters know what you are facing because we are facing similar crisis at different stages. You can talk freely, vent, ask questions. We are here to support you.

[Baxter1]

Hello Goldbird,

I’ll jump on and say that you’ve come the right place. These people know what they’re talking about. I don’t think I could have made it these 8 months without coming in here and venting and bouncing ideas off of people. You found a safe space, sorry you’re here though

[MadLuv]

Hello goldbird

So sorry you find yourself here, but you will find this as a saving grace in the the worst turmoil in your life. This crisis gets worse before it gets better. The little “ look backs “  by the MLCer changes. They cycle a lot when they first leave. This gives a lot of hope to the LBS. Just know that in most cases the longer they are gone the more disconnected they become and the more you may find your self desperate to keep that connection as it is terrifying when you feel that shift and it can bring a confusing situation to a desperate situation for the LBS.

So, just know that you can’t do anything to change his actions or his thoughts. What you do have control over is YOU. Keep in mind that who you knew is no longer. So, you cant deal with or view him in your dealings with who he was and for me that was the hardest thing. I just could not believe my sweet and loving husband could be capable of what he was. Even years in I still am shocked but accepting of it. They go to great lengths to live their fantasy escapes from their crisis and nothing is impossible. I am a rarity on here as after 30 years I divorced my XH from BD to Divorce was 90 days. The one thing I knew for sure from day one of BD was he was lost. So, I secured my financial future.

If I could do anything over it would be I would not be in such heavy communication with him. I would have just let him go to live his life. We are loving spouses and we want to help, but we dont help them. They can only help themselves and when we try they run faster away.

[mcm64d]

So, just know that you can’t do anything to change his actions or his thoughts. What you do have control over is YOU. Keep in mind that who you knew is no longer. So, you cant deal with or view him in your dealings with who he was and for me that was the hardest thing. I just could not believe my sweet and loving husband could be capable of what he was. Even years in I still am shocked but accepting of it. They go to great lengths to live their fantasy escapes from their crisis and nothing is impossible. I am a rarity on here as after 30 years I divorced my XH from BD to Divorce was 90 days. The one thing I knew for sure from day one of BD was he was lost. So, I secured my financial future.

I am relatively new here, but my divorce is well underway and maybe over within 4 months of BD. To add to Mad's thoughts above, that person may likely wear a mask to seem like the same person to others. I do not fully understand that yet, but there have been some kind people on here that introduced me to it, as I could not believe that a few friends have commented of my stbxw behavior- one says she saw my wife never before so nasty (my friend disagreed with my wife over a lot of things and questioned  my wife apparently too much) and another said she seemed the same as always. Without detail, my wife was one of the most beautiful people inside and out i have ever met. A couple of months before BD, she showed a nasty side I had never seen (along with that beautiful side). Then, and ever since BD, all I get is professional cold, distant, and if I initiate contact nasty monster. I have been vilified so much, and please believe I deserve some criticism for my relationship, that I have decided to only respond when contacted for my sanity.

*Fixed broken quote - FW

[GoldBird]

Hello again all you wonderful people who welcomed me warmly and sent messages of compassionate support and words of wisdom. I admit that I got a little scared for a bit thinking that my story can’t end in divorce and my MLC is different. But of course he’s not. I’m still standing and that’s my plan, but wow- sometimes I wonder if I should just file. He’s certainly not the person I have loved for 30 years. I’m holding out for a new and improved version to come back. I guess that happens? In any case, thank you all. I will be sticking around here and not getting scared off again. I hope as I learn and grow that I will also be able to offer support for others who also find themselves in this club they never wanted to be part of.

[FaithWalker]

I think we all have gone through those thoughts and feelings.  What I've found here is regardless of how the MLCer is and what happens with our marriages in the future, this community is for us, the LBS, and here to support us.  Whether you file or don't file, whether you stand or don't stand, we are here in solidarity for you.

[Reinventing]

....this community is for us, the LBS, and here to support us.  Whether you file or don't file, whether you stand or don't stand, we are here in solidarity for you.

Yes, this community is for the LBS and the decisions they make. We recognize that relying on the decisions a MLCer makes does not provide a solid ground for the LBS because the MLCer is in crisis and is unstable.

We also recognize and support that the LBS can change their minds as well during their journey. The LBS healing and getting on solid ground with a fulfilling life is what we hope happens to each LBS.

[mcm64d]

I think we all have gone through those thoughts and feelings.  What I've found here is regardless of how the MLCer is and what happens with our marriages in the future, this community is for us, the LBS, and here to support us.  Whether you file or don't file, whether you stand or don't stand, we are here in solidarity for you.

To FW and R- so beautifully stated and what a sentiment as we head into the holidays!!!