[Baxter1]

Hello Goldbird,

I’ll jump on and say that you’ve come the right place. These people know what they’re talking about. I don’t think I could have made it these 8 months without coming in here and venting and bouncing ideas off of people. You found a safe space, sorry you’re here though

[MadLuv]

Hello goldbird

So sorry you find yourself here, but you will find this as a saving grace in the the worst turmoil in your life. This crisis gets worse before it gets better. The little “ look backs “  by the MLCer changes. They cycle a lot when they first leave. This gives a lot of hope to the LBS. Just know that in most cases the longer they are gone the more disconnected they become and the more you may find your self desperate to keep that connection as it is terrifying when you feel that shift and it can bring a confusing situation to a desperate situation for the LBS.

So, just know that you can’t do anything to change his actions or his thoughts. What you do have control over is YOU. Keep in mind that who you knew is no longer. So, you cant deal with or view him in your dealings with who he was and for me that was the hardest thing. I just could not believe my sweet and loving husband could be capable of what he was. Even years in I still am shocked but accepting of it. They go to great lengths to live their fantasy escapes from their crisis and nothing is impossible. I am a rarity on here as after 30 years I divorced my XH from BD to Divorce was 90 days. The one thing I knew for sure from day one of BD was he was lost. So, I secured my financial future.

If I could do anything over it would be I would not be in such heavy communication with him. I would have just let him go to live his life. We are loving spouses and we want to help, but we dont help them. They can only help themselves and when we try they run faster away.

[mcm64d]

So, just know that you can’t do anything to change his actions or his thoughts. What you do have control over is YOU. Keep in mind that who you knew is no longer. So, you cant deal with or view him in your dealings with who he was and for me that was the hardest thing. I just could not believe my sweet and loving husband could be capable of what he was. Even years in I still am shocked but accepting of it. They go to great lengths to live their fantasy escapes from their crisis and nothing is impossible. I am a rarity on here as after 30 years I divorced my XH from BD to Divorce was 90 days. The one thing I knew for sure from day one of BD was he was lost. So, I secured my financial future.

I am relatively new here, but my divorce is well underway and maybe over within 4 months of BD. To add to Mad's thoughts above, that person may likely wear a mask to seem like the same person to others. I do not fully understand that yet, but there have been some kind people on here that introduced me to it, as I could not believe that a few friends have commented of my stbxw behavior- one says she saw my wife never before so nasty (my friend disagreed with my wife over a lot of things and questioned  my wife apparently too much) and another said she seemed the same as always. Without detail, my wife was one of the most beautiful people inside and out i have ever met. A couple of months before BD, she showed a nasty side I had never seen (along with that beautiful side). Then, and ever since BD, all I get is professional cold, distant, and if I initiate contact nasty monster. I have been vilified so much, and please believe I deserve some criticism for my relationship, that I have decided to only respond when contacted for my sanity.

*Fixed broken quote - FW

[GoldBird]

Hello again all you wonderful people who welcomed me warmly and sent messages of compassionate support and words of wisdom. I admit that I got a little scared for a bit thinking that my story can’t end in divorce and my MLC is different. But of course he’s not. I’m still standing and that’s my plan, but wow- sometimes I wonder if I should just file. He’s certainly not the person I have loved for 30 years. I’m holding out for a new and improved version to come back. I guess that happens? In any case, thank you all. I will be sticking around here and not getting scared off again. I hope as I learn and grow that I will also be able to offer support for others who also find themselves in this club they never wanted to be part of.

[FaithWalker]

I think we all have gone through those thoughts and feelings.  What I've found here is regardless of how the MLCer is and what happens with our marriages in the future, this community is for us, the LBS, and here to support us.  Whether you file or don't file, whether you stand or don't stand, we are here in solidarity for you.

[Reinventing]

....this community is for us, the LBS, and here to support us.  Whether you file or don't file, whether you stand or don't stand, we are here in solidarity for you.

Yes, this community is for the LBS and the decisions they make. We recognize that relying on the decisions a MLCer makes does not provide a solid ground for the LBS because the MLCer is in crisis and is unstable.

We also recognize and support that the LBS can change their minds as well during their journey. The LBS healing and getting on solid ground with a fulfilling life is what we hope happens to each LBS.

[mcm64d]

I think we all have gone through those thoughts and feelings.  What I've found here is regardless of how the MLCer is and what happens with our marriages in the future, this community is for us, the LBS, and here to support us.  Whether you file or don't file, whether you stand or don't stand, we are here in solidarity for you.

To FW and R- so beautifully stated and what a sentiment as we head into the holidays!!!