[WHY]

Interestingly, a piece of her story turned out to be a BIG trigger for me. It opened my eyes to a couple of the things that caused the internal pressure inside that exploded in the form of my MLC. I had myself a good cry last night as those things surfaced inside of me. I know I have to address these, but I’m not sure how in this moment. I know it will come to me now that I am aware of them. After all, we cannot fix something if we don’t know it’s broken.

I think you're healing as we speak MLC50.  Thinking about what happened to you.  Understanding it.  Processing it.  And packing it away once and for all.  Good for you

[Atari25]

Thank you MLC50 - your posts continue to help me understand my wife and what she is probably going through. The stories of detachment particularly ring through, I can see she is hurting but I can see that there is no empathy for me or my children, just a non-emotional "I'm sorry" from time to time. It all breaks my heart.

My question is - what do you think was the key trigger or triggers to push you into MLC or was is just a gradual change that eventually overwhelmed you? Is there anything or events in particular that stick out?

I was also taken back by this statement..

"The thought of going to visit had me feeling like NY would utterly consume me. For some in a MLC, the abyss is the home they lived in. For others, it might be their spouse, a parent, their career, or even a hobby. Something represents a fate worse than death and we desperately need to escape that".

My wife has said to me a couple of times that coming back on the street we live on (where she lived for 24 years) makes her feel horrible - a place she feels uncomfortable to be or to visit. She always says she "feels free now". Does feeling simply come from being in a place that represents her previous life?

[midlifecrisis50]

Atari25
My question is - what do you think was the key trigger or triggers to push you into MLC or was is just a gradual change that eventually overwhelmed you? Is there anything or events in particular that stick out? In one video, titled, “What’s Not a Midlife Crisis” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOoqEXCOVQI I said that a MLC was a culmination of many things. I still stand by that. There might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but that would be very minor in comparison. So we get confused, it makes no sense.

There’s a whole lot of things that converge inside all at once. A midlife crisis is where all or most areas of your life are blown apart… from the inside. And we just don’t know why, or at least I didn’t. It made no sense based on the world around me, that things would shift so suddenly within me. There was nothing in my world that explained why…. But I was only looking at my recent world.

Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC, who has been treating MLC for over 20 years claims that there’s a ticking bomb and no one knows it. Not even the person who will at some point explode. He says that there is pressure building in the form of growing unhappiness (of some sort), and then you explode like a shaken soda bottle when the pressure becomes too much, not necessarily because it's been triggered. He holds that it is a hidden stage of midlife crisis, but that it's a part of every one of them.
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/unraveling-the-confusing-stages-of-midlife-crisis

I think the beginning of the pressure build up for me was my mother dying (2 years prior to hitting that wall), and there is a lot to unpack on that one alone, some of which includes other family members. I think I dealt with the big thing, the elephant that was the death of my mother, but (6 months later) while I was still raw and before I could even look at any of the other stuff and deal with that, a friend committed suicide. And again, there’s a lot to unpack there too. Six months after that, my job burned to the ground so I had to look for work…again. It was a little over a year later that I hit the wall. I had my bomb drop.

The loss of the basic personality and shattered identity mentioned in a few research papers I recently read really hit home for me. When I hit that wall, it might have looked like a perfectly whole slate of glass suddenly exploding from the center then a thousand shards of glass floating around that space. That glass was my identity. So suddenly hitting that wall I think was the explosion Dr. Smith was talking about.

My wife has said to me a couple of times that coming back on the street we live on (where she lived for 24 years) makes her feel horrible - a place she feels uncomfortable to be or to visit. She always says she "feels free now". Does feeling simply come from being in a place that represents her previous life? I don’t think it’s the whole life we need to escape but rather the things that we perceive that are (for some strange reason) threatening. After I was triggered last night by reading some of the "Shocksis" thread, some very deep wounds surfaced and I think in that moment I may have discovered why it was the whole state for me. I may never have come to that if it wasn’t for something that Shocksis said. I think I now know why NY state was my abyss. If she does know why, she won’t tell you. But she more than likely might not know exactly why she can’t be on that street. Survival instinct is at the root here so the feeling free is probably a sense of safety when not on that street.

Studies show that the highest rate of suicide is among those in midlife, peaking around the ages of 40-60. Hmmm. MLC is said to encompass mostly people in that same age range. Maybe rather than moving toward that permanent outcome of suicide, we MLCers run from it. I’m starting to think that perhaps the psyche kicks in as a last-stitch effort for its survival. Maybe it kicks out the resident personality because it is too passive to do what’s needed to get us in a safe place and give us the time and space we need to process and recover from whatever, like leave those we love the most or quit the career that may be suffocating us. Just one of my thoughts.

[midlifecrisis50]

This recently came to me. Maybe this will help give you all an idea of just how detached, or just how flat or emotionless we become in a MLC.

Most of my life I had some phobias. For instance: The very idea of driving on the highway could send me into a full blown panic attack. It was the same thing for going over what I considered to be high bridges. Once I hit that wall, GONE! I had no problem driving highways or going over some very high bridges. That lasted until I was mostly out of the MLC fog so for about 4 years. The fears came back but so far, not to the degree they were before. I can drive some highways now but not others.

[WHY]

This thread is fascinating.  Thank you MLC50.

If you can, please share the thing that Shocksis triggered.  It may provide us and you with some answers.  There are a lot of folks here with different perspectives that could shed light on the issue. 

I still think deep down there must be something in your past that caused this pressure to build up over all these years.  Because why does MLC happen to some and not others.  This to me is the fundamental question that needs answering if we have any hope of understanding this thing. 

You're the most self aware MLCer I've met.  If anyone has answers, it's got to be you!

[AlvinTheMaker]

Just curious.... When in thick of it, did you find any difference between verbal and written abilities (both input as well as the output).....a common theme with MLC is slow paperwork, and I wonder if it is so because of different cognitive abilities or simply not giving it a priority.

Alvin

[Atari25]

In one video, titled, “What’s Not a Midlife Crisis” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOoqEXCOVQI I said that a MLC was a culmination of many things. I still stand by that. There might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but that would be very minor in comparison. So we get confused, it makes no sense.

There’s a whole lot of things that converge inside all at once. A midlife crisis is where all or most areas of your life are blown apart… from the inside. And we just don’t know why, or at least I didn’t. It made no sense based on the world around me, that things would shift so suddenly within me. There was nothing in my world that explained why…. But I was only looking at my recent world.

Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC, who has been treating MLC for over 20 years claims that there’s a ticking bomb and no one knows it. Not even the person who will at some point explode. He says that there is pressure building in the form of growing unhappiness (of some sort), and then you explode like a shaken soda bottle when the pressure becomes too much, not necessarily because it's been triggered. He holds that it is a hidden stage of midlife crisis, but that it's a part of every one of them.
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/unraveling-the-confusing-stages-of-midlife-crisis

I think the beginning of the pressure build up for me was my mother dying (2 years prior to hitting that wall), and there is a lot to unpack on that one alone, some of which includes other family members. I think I dealt with the big thing, the elephant that was the death of my mother, but (6 months later) while I was still raw and before I could even look at any of the other stuff and deal with that, a friend committed suicide. And again, there’s a lot to unpack there too. Six months after that, my job burned to the ground so I had to look for work…again. It was a little over a year later that I hit the wall. I had my bomb drop.

The loss of the basic personality and shattered identity mentioned in a few research papers I recently read really hit home for me. When I hit that wall, it might have looked like a perfectly whole slate of glass suddenly exploding from the center then a thousand shards of glass floating around that space. That glass was my identity. So suddenly hitting that wall I think was the explosion Dr. Smith was talking about.

Thank you for all this, OMG I appreciate it. Your videos and comments really hit home. My wife really did blow her life apart - friends, family, kids, me and her entire previous life. A convergence of things did hit her including losing her business and some friends during Covid. What followed was a huge shift in her life and behavior. She left the house, the kids and I soon after.

Your initial experience seems to mirror my wife in a lot of ways, older young adult kids and all.  I'm so heartbroken and sad but I also know there is very little I can do. I think the more I know and understand from you and others, the more at peace I become that I probably could not have changed what happened. That alone is a big help but the sadness and helplessness still gnaws at me every day and every night when I wake up from the dreams.

[WHY]

MLC50 - I'm trying to explain to my W that I understand exactly what she's going through.  That I forgive her for destroying my and our kids lives.  That I want her to go out there and find happiness.  And hopefully we can reconnect someday and be friends again someday.  These are positive things. 

But she seems unable to move on without burning the world around us down first.  Whatever proposal for D I suggest, she rejects.  And whatever proposal she puts forth has magical thinking and I cannot accept.  It doesnt make sense.  At the same time, she's actively working to inflict pain on a daily basis doing horrible things. 

So I'm stuck in this lengthy, brutal legal battle, which could drag on another 1.5 years (and bomb drop was 2+ years ago....). 

Is there any way to get through to her?  My only goal in all of this is to limit the carnage to make sure bridges are not permanently burned.  Thats it.  Thats all I want.  I've made peace with whats happened and am ready to move on.  But every day those bridges keep turning to ashes and at some point there will be no way back. 

If people did get through to you during your MLC, what was different about their approach?  Explaining things to you purely from a YOU standpoint for example (because nothing else matters to a MLCer except themselves)?  Did this resonate?  Or any other ways to get through to a MLCer?  I dont want to be an obstacle in her search for happiness, as any obstacles get treated with outright hatred.  I get it.  But at the same time, I need to protect myself from someone whos going through a traumatic psychological event. 

Or is it as we say, the LBS doesnt stand a chance, and its not worth even trying.  Get some life vests cause the bridge is gonna turn to ashes anyway?

[midlifecrisis50]

MLC50 - I'm trying to explain to my W that I understand exactly what she's going through.  That I forgive her for destroying my and our kids lives.  That I want her to go out there and find happiness.  And hopefully we can reconnect someday and be friends again someday.  These are positive things. 

But she seems unable to move on without burning the world around us down first.  Whatever proposal for D I suggest, she rejects.  And whatever proposal she puts forth has magical thinking and I cannot accept.  It doesnt make sense.  At the same time, she's actively working to inflict pain on a daily basis doing horrible things. 

So I'm stuck in this lengthy, brutal legal battle, which could drag on another 1.5 years (and bomb drop was 2+ years ago....). 

Is there any way to get through to her?  My only goal in all of this is to limit the carnage to make sure bridges are not permanently burned.  Thats it.  Thats all I want.  I've made peace with whats happened and am ready to move on.  But every day those bridges keep turning to ashes and at some point there will be no way back. 

If people did get through to you during your MLC, what was different about their approach?  Explaining things to you purely from a YOU standpoint for example (because nothing else matters to a MLCer except themselves)?  Did this resonate?  Or any other ways to get through to a MLCer?  I dont want to be an obstacle in her search for happiness, as any obstacles get treated with outright hatred.  I get it.  But at the same time, I need to protect myself from someone whos going through a traumatic psychological event. 

Or is it as we say, the LBS doesnt stand a chance, and its not worth even trying.  Get some life vests cause the bridge is gonna turn to ashes anyway?

First of all, these are positive things according to you, but clearly not her.

Mistake #1, you can’t possibly understand what’s going on with her since you are not in her head. And honestly, you can’t possibly understand exactly what she's going through. Maybe just acknowledge that you don’t understand but you believe her, it must be real. Maybe something like, “While I really can’t understand, I accept it. I know something happened for you” (Not to you). Then your behavior including your words have to back up that statement. If not, she’ll call bullsh*t and get more enraged.

Mistake #2, you put the blame on her. Remember, she has done nothing wrong (in her fantasy world which is where she lives right now) so vilifying her will just make things worse for you.

Mistake #3, she doesn’t understand happiness like you and most of the world. With that, she doesn’t understand the pain of other people either, including you and the kids. She may understand, “do what you need to do, it’s your life and that’s important”. But you also do what you need to do because YOUR life is just as important (but do NOT tell her that!!)

Mistake #4, you mentioned some sort of relationship between the two of you in the future. She may see that as either guilt tripping her or you refusing to really let her go, which adds to the pressure and increases her irritation, anger, and mostly her fear. This is fuel for the fire. There should be no indication of her ever crossing your path. Maybe you both can get on good terms in the future, but keep that to yourself. No relationship talk includes the possibility of friends or even just acquaintances on good terms.

If the two of you are at the point of D, then cut off contact with her as much as possible considering the kids. As far as anything D goes, everything goes through the attorney’s. The less contact the better for all involved, including and especially the kids.

Remember, she cannot communicate like you can. Even when she believes that she is thinking clearly or rationally, she can’t. That ability is gone….for quite a while.

But you really haven’t made peace with it yet. I mean, I know you want the chaos to stop and are full willing to roll up your sleeves, break a serious sweat, and move massive mountains. But read some of the things you have written in this thread, you have yet to make peace with it. I see a lot of resentment in these lines. Plenty of negativity, anger, and tons of hurt!

Us LBS dont stand a chance.

even if we're suffering daily mental torture

MLCers could be taught to understand that the LBS is not satan

go on their path without inflicting maximum torture and pain? 

I really do not understand the need to twist the knife

when the LBS is already decimated.

The need to inflict maximum pain for the people that love you most.

the LBS is standing in the way of their happiness

immediately gets vilified and hated.

forgive her for destroying my and our kids lives.

But she seems unable to move on without burning the world around us down first. 

proposal she puts forth has magical thinking and I cannot accept. 

actively working to inflict pain on a daily basis doing horrible things.

limit the carnage

But every day those bridges keep turning to ashes

(because nothing else matters to a MLCer except themselves)?

as any obstacles [referring to LBS] get treated with outright hatred.

the LBS doesnt stand a chance,

Get some life vests cause the bridge is gonna turn to ashes anyway?

Do you see all that? You may be ready to move on dear, who wouldn’t want to move past all that? But you obviously haven’t found your peace yet. How can you possibly forgive or find peace if you are STILL UNDER ATTACK?

No one was able to get through to me while I was in it. There is no way to get through to a MLCer, they are children with no empathy or experience in problem solving. BUT BE VERY CLEAR ON THIS, if you keep getting in her way, it will become YOUR traumatic psychological event. Then the kids would have lost both parents. This can easily become the catalyst for a mental breakdown of some kind FOR YOU! So your absolutely right about this,

“I need to protect myself.”

WHY, my heart really breaks for you. You have yet to make peace with what happened all the while trying so hard to convince yourself that you did. I know you’re working hard sweetie, I know you are. You cannot hammer yourself into it nor can you “fake it ‘til you make it” with this one.

If you haven’t gotten yourself into therapy yet, please do so…for your sanity and the sanity of the kids. I STRONGLY suggest finding a trauma recovery specialist. Because what you and many others here have been through (and still are going through) is VERY traumatic! Trauma recovery works very different from both counseling and talk therapy. Your mind has been under attack and knotted up. Trauma recovery unties those knots so you can find your peace, TRUE PEACE, and regain YOUR SENSE OF SAFETY, which seems to have been VERY affected here.