[blackice]

Me personally not having a good day. I keep crying. Ive been very emotional, like very unlike me to be this way.

D18 turned 19 today.

Im on the verge of completely turning my back on h. Just because i dobt want to deal with it anymore. He needs to live his life and leave me alone. Ill always love him but i am tired of all the limbo.

[Chookie]

BI, I'm not surprised you're tired of all his shenanigans. Start looking out for you. X

[blackice]

I have been. No worries there. Theres been a lot of non h related turmoil in regards to my sister and my mom that has had me upset lately. But its like i cry at everything and i am never like that. Last time i was all weeoy and overly emotional was after BD and when i was pregnant. So im trying to figure out whats going on with me. I may just be very exhausted.

[Thunder]

BI,

Mental exhaustion can do that to you.

It's a sign your body and mind need rest.  Somehow you have to find it or it will wear you out.

[Pixiegirl]

BI,
This happened to me too. It was like all of a sudden I had feelings again and I was crying over everything. Not just MP. In hindsight i believe that I finally let my guard down and was able to relax and not be the "robot" I had been  trained to be.

I didn't think I would ever stop crying but I did and I seemed to become very leveled out after that. It was also during this time that I avoided all contact with MP. It was certainly a turning point for me.

We I talked to MP again , it was very different . I couldn't even relate to him at all. I had changed.

[in it]

 Please listen to T and Pixie
You do really need to sleep..when you are not well rested things seem so much worse.
Sleep deprivation is not a good thing.

[blackice]

Im sleeping fine. My exhaustion is from my illness. I haven't been able to buy my meds in two months because of the whole pay screw up. Ive been on like half doses. If anything im sleeping too much on some days. Im also mentally worn out. The whole things with my mom and sister involves d19 and its just been awful. Its really worn me down. Im trying to take care of myself the best i can. For once h isnt my main concern, hes even being helpful which is nice.

Ill be ok once i get my meds again, which should be next week. I promise, i am taking care. But i do feel like i have let my guard down and theres been some flood of emotions from it. So i think pixie hit it on the head with that. Ive relaxed and am in a better place so i am not having to be so hard and robotic. I can breathe more. Ive come to terms with a lot of things. Its been good.

[blackice]

He must be feeling some kind of way. He fell asleep wrapped aroubd me like a child. I was working on something and he just laid down next to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and fell asleep. Stayed that way for hours. I kinda felt bad for him. It was something he hasnt done in a very long time.

[Thunder]

BI,

I hope you can get your megs soon.

We need universal health care.  Everyone should be able to afford medicine.

[blackice]

We really do. People keep telling me to go to the indian clinic but they are the whole reason i had to find an outside doctor because they refused to treat me properly. Indian health services has almost killed me at least three times. So wheb people are like dont natives get fre health care im like yeah but it's only good for shots and non threatening stuff. They told my uncle for two years he had the flu when he really had stage 4 lung cancer and he died. That happened to my grandpa too. They are pretty worthless as far as actual health care goes. So i have an outside doctor who fixed me and got me better now i just need to be able to afford him again. Its insane.