Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Couragedearheart on August 24, 2019, 08:30:26 AM
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Have you read about Complex PTSD?
This precisely fits the bill for my situation...I’m beginning to think that what we think of as a MLC is just cptsd and that our reaction to it only makes things worse.
I think all the traits of our MLCers that look like PD’s are actually coping mechanisms that they learned from abuse or example by abusive caretakers who probably had a PD...or passed down the behavior generationally.
Anyone else see the similarities?
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I'm sorry Courage, but what does PD's stand for?
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Personality disorders...I know my H’s mom has a couple...that’s probably why his coping mechanisms look a bit like one.
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Oh ok, I understand. Thank you. :)
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I have c-ptsd. My husband has ptsd from childhood trauma. He also has been in some stage of MLC for years now. I see them as distinctly different. I will agree that MLC is from childhood issues/trauma that has been buried, never resolved or was so severe that it interfered with normal emotional development. That has been the case for my husband. And yes .....he was raised motherless with a severe alcoholic hard father. FOO issues can and do lead to crisis,s later in life.
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Hello Courage,
I am certain h has PTSD or C-PTSD. Unfortunately so do I. Neither of us is diagnosed but it’s clear we each and both have been through a lot in our lives.
I’m clear on and up front about my trauma history, with anyone who wants or needs the explanation. At this point in my life I have done decades of therapy around it but have always been able to nutshell it for any new person who comes up against it in any way. H on the other hand is — maybe not in denial of it? but — unwilling to acknowledge, address, or discuss it. He won’t discuss his and he won’t let me speak more than a word or two of mine. He shuts me down in a hot second or goes 0 to 60 and makes a mountain where I have mentioned only a speck. In this respect it feels like deep unvarnished disrespect and is one of the reasons I am here this year, questioning my reasons and ability and further willingness to Stand.
I “graduated” from my clinical trainings on marital counseling after a training on trauma and affairs. One of my key questions for the trainers was whether we diagnose PTSD and C-PTSD, or if it was more a “suggestion”. The answer is that in that area it is more a suggestion, and not an actual diagnostic code. So that was the close of my clinical training. I think it is crucial in MC that a betraying spouse witness formally and fully realize that their betrayals have absolutely damaged the spouse who loves and trusted and relied on them to be truthful and faithful. I’m not a fan of hard diagnoses but see pros and cons for it in MC and other recovery work — so it was important to know how it is really dealt with there.
It kind of isn’t.
If you or your spouse has any cues of any post-traumatic stress, see a trauma specialist. EMDR has been a great support for many with PTSD. A CSAT may be able to handle sexual or relationship trauma content more deftly than a more generalist therapist might. And MC in general is advised against while one of the couple is engaging in affairs or addictions. Because there’s a third party not present. MC is for only the two of you.
Human support and connection is really key to all of this work, and if you are a person of faith, give it over daily to God. The MLC is nothing we can fix or help. It’s between the MLC spouse and their own minds.
I’m so glad you are posting here. And yes on PDs. That’s a whole different animal, though, for me at least. There are some PDs that conventionally are thought lifelong, but I think a person with right support and right examples can age out of them; I’ve seen that. My mother and h’s mother appear to be ones who can’t or won’t mature out of it, and h is seeming a lot like the worst of my mother this year. So I don’t know about my previous belief anymore.
Really appreciate this discussion topic and your thoughts on it; thank you.
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Hmmm mine has been the same as yours...yes I have childhood trauma...but I work through mine in IC. H has refused to even speak about his trauma...
I really think the difference is wether or not they completely repress all of it including the emotions.
Pain demands to be felt.
The alienator makes sense...because if your in a situation like a healthy home environment it only feels healthy to the healthy person...it would be panic inducing to a child or adult who had never been in a healthy environment. They would be constantly anxious...due to not having any coping mechanisms...eventually you would associate the anxiety with your spouse.
Plus the alienator....if they are anything at all like the childhood abuser would feel safe, and familiar...because of course all your coping mechanisms are for that environment.
Or at least that’s what makes sense to me when I think of what we learned in our foster care classes.
Imagine if you suppressed feelings forever...then one day couldn’t turn them off...it would be like a raw nerve....and especially if they were immature childlike feelings.
It seems plausible to me. 🤷♀️ Just curious if anyone else thought it was possible?
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I don't think MLC is PTSD, although I think it can change how a person copes with and acts out childhood traumas. Look up ventromedial prefrontal cortex. When this part of the brain is impaired, it damages a person's ability to manage trauma and inhibitions.
Many, many people on this forum will attest that their spouse or former spouse, pre MLC, was opposed to many of the behaviors of their parents or the adults who raised them. Then, when MLC hits, they reenact these behaviors with no apparent self awareness or insight.
I think that many of what we believe are childhood traumas on the part of MLCers are simply a pattern of midlife-onset mental illness that is highly hereditary. In my ex's family, this had been going on for generations. Because most people's understanding of the mind stems entirely from therapy (and that is even if they read about psychology), rather than neurology, I think many people, pre MLC, fail to understand this pattern.
I think a high, high percentage of people on this forum have PTSD or complex PTSD, in large part because of a lack of understanding that MLC is a mental illness or neurological condition, and therefore complete lack of support. I actually think the number one recommendation of this forum vis-a-vis self care for LBS should be trauma recovery.
A person with PTSD may have some of the fight or flight symptoms of a person with "MLC," but they also have self awareness and empathy. From my observation, a hallmark of MLC is sudden loss of empathy and self awareness. The physical changes that accompany it, including rapid aging, changes in shape to the head and sometimes neck, and change of appearance to the eyes, suggest that this is a physical event.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please, as well motivated and good hearted it is of you to try to figure out this for your husband, try to make sure you are doing as much as possible to protect yourself emotionally, physically, and financially. This isn't your fault and his behavior has nothing to do with you. If he truly can and does recover, he will do the work to make things right. If he doesn't, it's important that you know that this is not your fault at all.
Take really good care of yourself.
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This is complex ptsd:
A person with complex PTSD may experience symptoms in addition to those that characterize PTSD.
Common symptoms of PTSD and complex PTSD include:
reliving the trauma through flashbacks and nightmares
avoiding situations that remind them of the trauma
dizziness or nausea when remembering the trauma
hyperarousal, which means being in a continual state of high alert
the belief that the world is a dangerous place
a loss of trust in the self or others
difficulty sleeping or concentrating
being startled by loud noises
People with PTSD or complex PTSD may also experience:
A negative self-view. Complex PTSD can cause a person to view themselves negatively and feel helpless, guilty, or ashamed. They often consider themselves to be different from other people.
Changes in beliefs and worldview. People with either condition may hold a negative view of the world and the people in it or lose faith in previously held beliefs.
Emotional regulation difficulties. These conditions can cause people to lose control over their emotions. They may experience intense anger or sadness or have thoughts of suicide.
Relationship issues. Relationships may suffer due to difficulties trusting and interacting, and because of a negative self-view. A person with either condition may develop unhealthy relationships because they are what the person has known in the past.
Detachment from the trauma. A person may dissociate, which means feeling detached from emotions or physical sensations. Some people completely forget the trauma.
Preoccupation with an abuser. It is not uncommon to fixate on the abuser, the relationship with the abuser, or getting revenge for the abuse.
But I’ll also say...pain decreases empathy.
As a nurse I know that, lots of times out patients are mean or cruel and it’s often because when you are hurting it’s impossible to think about others. Your worldview becomes myopic.
Many of the people posting on the boards for this seem to be describing normal interactions with the viewpoint that the spouse is the abuser...which would make sense if you didn’t know that abuse wasn’t normal and you suddenly “felt” hurt and emotions you hadn’t been feeling before.
If I poke you it hurts, if I poke a wound the pain is horrific.
These are severely emotionally wounded people. So that’s what made me think it would make sense...plus the fact that my H always said he refused to feel his feelings. He said everyone should just know how to repress them. That feelings got in the way...he can’t repress any more....
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I had a very similar take as you when this started. I thought I could unconditionally love and understand my now former husband out of this. If it is a true or mild "crisis" (not illness), this may be possible.
I know people in real life who weathered this. The difference was that the affair was not crazy (i.e. they chose an affair partner who was not implausible/out of character), and they had some level of empathy and self awareness of their behavior. No one moved out for more than six months. They all dressed, talked, ate, and acted pretty much the same. ALL were seeking some form of therapy. Their spouses were patient, kept busy, waited it out. All reconciled within six months to about one year, and were able to describe their internal process during the crisis.
I would say if your spouse is exhibiting no drastic personality change apart from wanting the marriage to be over, and being less kind to you/unhappy with marriage, then it could be something more like the temporary "crisis" we all hope this is when we encounter this forum.
If he is being abusive, talking, dressing, acting differently, spending money differently, showing zero concern for you but also limited understanding of the impact of his behavior, erratic, change to physical appearance, lack of irony or self insight, I think this is something more serious than a temporary crisis.
It is beautiful, admirable, and shows the true depth of your love that even in the midst of your pain, you want to help your spouse, to find an explanation, to forgive. I hope in this you can see the beauty of your own heart.
I think a very sick/unwell MLCer is very hard to help, unless their family or friends is able to intervene in a meaningful way. Hold on to your loving and protective feelings, but extend them to yourself as well. The line you draw has to be your own emotional, physical, and financial safety.
Big hugs.
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Velika,
My H was diagnosed with combat related PTSD about 5 years ago. As well as depression and had a very traumatic childhood. His counselor at the time thought that maybe the PTSD was from his childhood, but H quiet going when things started getting to stressful. He is now going through a midlife crisis and is living with the other woman and doing what seems common with other MLCers. I follow what I read on HS forum and only answer his emails to me. I am very pleasant to him when we meet. He seems very receptive to my actions. I have felt from the day of BD that something crashed inside of him.
BD was 18 months ago, but ignorant to MLC, I received a BD two years prior to this BD, he then moved out with ow. The first BD was followed by the funeral of his little brother who was brutally murdered. He had been in the process of building a relationship with this brother. My H has had many traumas in his life.
I had been counseled on living with a vet that has PTSD, so when BD happened and he told me he was leaving I had what he called at the time a lightbulb moment. I knew there was something seriously wrong. If this CPTSD or even his PTSD is the cause of his MLC is there anything I can do legally to take control of his actions?
The biggest issue throughout the past 18 months has been our home. The loan is in his name and I am on title. The house has gone to the brink of foreclosure and now he has modified the loan to save it. The house being a duplex I plan on living in the smaller apartment and we planned on renting out the main house. He is now telling me that he has rented out the whole house and I need my stuff out by Sept 15 so he can make repairs. I don't quit know how to handle this. I don't have enough time to get it into court.
My options are to ignore him knowing that 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do is untrue and continue living in the upstairs or get a storage unit and move my stuff out and live in my sons spare bedroom. I don't want to let him push me around or think he can control what I do and where I live.
Oh and at this time he does not give me any support money. That will change if I'm forced out of my home.
Any advice? We are not divorced, I am a stander.
~Stand Tall
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Stand if you are on the title doesn't that mean you own the house too? ???
If so tell him to get bent. If you are on the title you have equal share and are perfectly within your right to live there.
Of course this puts you in a position if he wants to be difficult or try to sell it out from under you...but really it just puts you right back where you are doesn't it?
If you fight for your right to live in the house, he buggars it up..you move back in with son?
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Stand, where I live there are laws in place so that a property owner cannot displace a tenant for the purpose of upgrading or updating the property. I hope there is something like that where you live, and it has got to apply surely for your situation. What your h is positing sounds like just spite and a haphazard dash at collecting up ALL the control, and he does not get to do that.
I would look into local tenancy laws and do some homework (no pun intended), and then take it straight to your lawyer or legal counsel. Because the answer to husband on this one is a big fat loud firm NO.
On rereading, I see you don’t have time to get it into court. I would ask counsel anyway, and also maybe law enforcement. He can’t make you leave, definitely he can’t make you leave immediately. Unless he is out front with a wrecking ball, you know?
I know this has got to be scary and hurtful and deeply unsettling for you, but hold your ground. This is where you might resort to simplest answer in the face of anything he says, and no matter how he says it:
I am not leaving this house.
I am absolutely not leaving this house.
NO. I WILL NOT.
H will have to find some other solution. It isn’t even as much about you “buying time” — it’s kind of about calling his bluff and seeing what MLC will pull out of its hat after that. My guess is that if you put your foot down and stand firm on NO, within a week or so he will change his mind or forget this idea anyway. That seems to be how it goes here, a lot, with my h, good or bad.
My heart is with you; stay full of your right to STAY in your home. Just because he is acting an angry d!ck or has legit PTSD does not mean he gets to have things his way. It’s your life, your home. Even if you were just a paying renter, he couldn’t eject you from premises without fair advance notice, and here, he couldn’t do that without paying you equivalent to some several months rent to compensate for the displacement and rehoming stress and expense.
One person I know who was displaced, stayed put until it went through the courts, and won a settlement equivalent to what I pay in rent for a full year. !
You have a lot of rights you may need to investigate and represent in court. But your first rights are to safety and to a roof over your head with PLENTY of advance notice before anyone makes a move to work on that house — YOUR house, YOUR HOME.
I agree with Mortesbride and in place of “get bent” or any explanation at all, I would just tell husband firmly NO.
One word, full answer, final answer.
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In short, he needs to UNrent it. Don’t care if that’s embarrassing or if he already spent the first last and deposit. It’s his to undo, and you don’t have to move. Period.
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OMG, Thank you Terra and Mort,
I'm trying so hard to not cause H or myself anymore stress and drama then there already is. I had planned on just walking away from the house and let him blow in the wind, but this is the only marital asset we have and I've gone through enough over the years and now I am just tired. I'm going to put my foot down on this one. He will get a stern NO from me. I'm imagining that it is the ow egging him on anyway. Last thing I'm going to do is give her the control to my house. I think I'm also going to tell him that I'm going to be renting out the downstairs. All he really cares about is getting his mortgage payment made.
Thank you guys for giving me courage. Sometime I need to have a little bit of "Go get him" advice to remind me that I am strong. Thank you, Thank you Thank you.
~Stand
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Just remembered this talk as I was reading some stuff about C-PTSD and regular PTSD (relating to my past/current situation).
These three pages could make very interesting reads MLC/LBS-wise:
The self pity we see: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
The momster we see: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf
And how to try to approach in more loving way: http://pete-walker.com/lovinglyResolvingConflict.htm
Maybe MLC is PTSD/C-PTSD, maybe not. But in all scenarious these psychological "nuggets" of wisdom IMHO provide some advice that could come handy in life.
I must say I'm very tempted to buy/try one of this guys books. Has anybody read them / suggestions which of them to try ?
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Stand Tall, I'm sorry I am just now revisiting the site and saw your question.
I would try to find a lawyer who can protect your best interests. Even if you don't want a divorce, you may need at least someone to help you navigate the financials and logistics. As hard as it is, try to think of what your pre-MLC spouse would want you to do. (Protect yourself from a crazy guy, right?) Then do that.
Again, so amazingly wonderful not to want to exacerbate his condition. However, many MLCers go through at least a couple and sometimes more years of high-energy "organization" phase, where they lack empathy and self-insight but want to "get their affairs in order." They do this with zero consideration for the spouse's well being.
My personal feeling is that it is in this phase they have more cognitive function, which often begins to spiral, too. If at all possible, try to get the house or any other assets you can. This is for his protection, too.
Big hugs.
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I agree with everyone else, Stand. He can't legally kick you out of your house. When you were put on that title you are a co-owner.
Just.."Nope that won't work for me so I'm staying." If he by chance tries anything, call the police.
I also agree, probably ow's idea. ::)
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Well, I will be seeing him today and he will be receiving the answer of "NO". I don't even care if I never stay in my half of the property the answer is still going to be no. Yesterday I went to the house and changed the lock on the apartment. Next I'm going to put a security camera on it. I'll let you all know how this goes. Pray it goes well.
Stand
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Just got done with H, getting ready to drive. Will tell all later. It's good though.
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Although I could talk PTSD all day long, I have been putting my personal story her and have decided to take it to my thread.
Stand
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I think MLC and MLT are all rooted in something from childhood. I don't think it's possible to point to one thing or another and say "that's it!" as there are just too many people and too many variables out there to be able to make a single diagnosis for each case. Even professional psychology has moved away from identifying one cause.. everything is now defined as a cluster or spectrum, unless we're talking about specific brain injuries.
I think generally what happens is we have childhoods where we don't get the support we need to be mature and healthy. We get into relationships and families and just plod along doing the family thing and "making things work" until something happens and MLC hits. i think the MLC or MLT is just the surface level, visible "freak out" of all these hidden issues that one ignored for all those years. They can be poor coping techniques, the path not followed ect.
I had a MLT and I was all over the place. I originally wanted to fly helicopters in the army and way back when, you had to have 20/20 vision and I found out years later they dropped the requirement to correctable up to a limit I fell well within. I tried to re enlist, I looked into private lessons.. ect. In some senses, I tried to make up for the past.
In some other cases, I made some really poor choices. I had a limit I wouldn't go beyond and that was cheating or anything serious enough to end my marriage and that's why I say I had an MLT, I think that knowing you have a limit is what separates it from a MLC. But making some of those poor choices was a lot like being drunk.. it felt great and you think it's a hilarious idea to get on the roof and jump off.. until you break your arm and sober up. the person with the MLT won't do it again. The person in the MLC will set the house on fire, jump off, break their arm sober up, do it again the next day and this time set the neighbors house on fire too.
But anyway.. yes PTSD is involved. Yes PD is involved. There's also attachment theory involved too. I think many of the MLCers are avoidant attachment which explains a lot of the MLC type behaviors. I think my wife easily has PD, C-PTSD, PTSD and she's avoidant attatched.
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I’m totally with Gman on this one. And mainly because the ptsd symptoms my H is having match his symptoms from previous ptsd he had after a car accident for a while. The last time I got shark eyes I ask if he felt disconnected and he said he felt like he was watching himself...had him put a pack of cold peas out of the freezer on his neck and concentrate on how cold they felt....shark eyes disappeared and he remembered everything up till the shark eyes and everything after the cold peas.
It’s disassociating, and it can cause dissociative amnesia. The “trigger” he thought we were going to have an emotional talk. So he freaked. And dissociated. Which is a great coping mechanism for a little kid in a bad situation they can’t escape from.
And H is completely avoidant. He has said, he would rather run away, than talk through the tough stuff....and is there any other way to fix our relationship than talk through the tough stuff...I said no. He said “I’ll do some of it, but I hate it, and I don’t know why....it’s not like anyone talked about emotional stuff with me when I was growing up.” 🐘 that’s a mighy fine elephant we have been raising in the living room. 🤦♀️
If shark eyes=dissociation (which makes sense adrenaline=larger pupils) then in dissociative states you would be dealing with unincorporated parts of personality....imagine what those unincorporated parts would learn having the knowledge that the adult mlcer has and having a decent and safe relationship to compare it with.
And it can be triggered by either finally feeling safe enough to deal with issues....or being retraumatized by a trigger.
Funny enough, either way the info here would work...don’t engage with monster.
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https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_58ed2e74e4b0145a227cb909/amp
Interesting article on PTSD abandonment
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Have you read about Complex PTSD?
This precisely fits the bill for my situation...I’m beginning to think that what we think of as a MLC is just cptsd and that our reaction to it only makes things worse.
I think all the traits of our MLCers that look like PD’s are actually coping mechanisms that they learned from abuse or example by abusive caretakers who probably had a PD...or passed down the behavior generationally.
Anyone else see the similarities?
Prior to BD my Wife was diagnosed with PTSD. The therapy that followed ripped her apart and I went from being her rock to being her devil. At the time I viewed the PTSD to be related to a recent near death medical episode, but last week I realized so much more.
I was served divorce papers and after the shock I decided to reach out to my Wife and ask to meet and say hello. She agreed, we met and had a light conversation for almost 3-hours. During this time I had been very calm, hands calm, voice calm. Toward the end I became animated in conveying something exciting. My voice rose, I moved my hands…and she shut-down.
Moments later came the realization that my Wife has been dealing with PTSD her whole life. A bit of searching led me to a website supporting people with Complex-PTSD and I was knocked to my knees the moment I started reading their stories.
Their stories and finding Pete Walker’s website on Complex-PTSD explained everything I had witnessed, endured and helped calm in our 28 years together prior to her Crisis.
In reading many of those folks stories it becomes clear that they truly are just hanging on until they enter therapy or that eventually they can hold on no longer and implode. One thread discusses their worsening mental state as they age and there is much referencing crisis and identity.
The part I found most relevant to our situation is their viewing things as either on or off, acceptable or not acceptable, there is no middle ground. Several times during our time together she has wanted to bail for the most illogical of reasons. Yet, once we talked thru the problem she would say something to the effect of, “Oh, I didn’t realize I could do that and you’d still love me”.
So in summing up my thoughts on all this I can’t help wondering if many of our spouses have suffered C-PTSD from childhood traumas and that we in fact do help them hang on until they can’t. Of course, that begs the question if we had been less “caring” and “understanding” might they have entered crisis earlier and sought counseling? My feeling is they wouldn’t have, they would have continued on one way or the other until they could go forward no more.
So for my Wife C-PTSD was first, then the MLC second and now they are intermingled as the signs of both are still there.
Overall my Wife is calmer now and during the phone call asking for us to be set free she did let me know she was sorry that I triggered her PTSD. It’s still my fault, but at least she acknowledges she has a part in all this.
Thanks
For reading
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Great post Granite...I have also wondered very similar things. I just posted on my thread a diagnoses of DTD ( Developmental Trauma Disorder) and I belive 100 % that my H has had some form of PTSD his entire life. He was born 3 months early to a 15 year old mother...and studies have shown trauma in the womb.
Moments later came the realization that my Wife has been dealing with PTSD her whole life. A bit of searching led me to a website supporting people with Complex-PTSD and I was knocked to my knees the moment I started reading their stories.
Their stories and finding Pete Walker’s website on Complex-PTSD explained everything I had witnessed, endured and helped calm in our 28 years together prior to her Crisis.
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Yes. I also have been utterly shocked by similarities that I have read . Especially reading about ACOA trauma... every single description was accurate of my husband . His picture should have been on the cover. And for our 30 year marriage, I really was very uninformed , uneducated and in the dark. So was he for that matter.
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So, following along with this and would have to say my H is the same. He was diagnosed with depression and PTSD about 8 years ago. When the psychologist wanted to hypnotize him and take him back to his childhood H refused and quit going.
What now, what can we do for our mlcer? I read a lot about limerance and the ow and how we need to let that play out. So, do we just wait for that time before we bring all of this to our spouses? As we wait is there anything above what we already know to do for ourselves (GAL)that we could be learning in dealing with this correctly.
Stand Tall
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Great post Granite...I have also wondered very similar things. I just posted on my thread a diagnoses of DTD ( Developmental Trauma Disorder) and I belive 100 % that my H has had some form of PTSD his entire life. He was born 3 months early to a 15 year old mother...and studies have shown trauma in the womb.
Moments later came the realization that my Wife has been dealing with PTSD her whole life. A bit of searching led me to a website supporting people with Complex-PTSD and I was knocked to my knees the moment I started reading their stories.
Their stories and finding Pete Walker’s website on Complex-PTSD explained everything I had witnessed, endured and helped calm in our 28 years together prior to her Crisis.
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Yes. I also have been utterly shocked by similarities that I have read . Especially reading about ACOA trauma... every single description was accurate of my husband . His picture should have been on the cover. And for our 30 year marriage, I really was very uninformed , uneducated and in the dark. So was he for that matter.
ACOA trauma was precisely described by my W in MC. I'm not sure she knew what she was describing. Now that I've read about it, I can see that many of the poor coping mechanisms ACOA's learn were behaviors she applied to our relationship. Unfortunately, I am blamed for all of it. But, it really is uncanny. And sad. Once LBS's become educated on these FOO factors, it's less difficult to feel empathy for the MLCer's. At least, that's how it works for me. I'll admit, it comes in cycles... ::)
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Thanks barbiedoll,
Just read up on ACOA and they talked about the lack of control a child feels in the care of alcoholic parent. I now can see how my trying to help my Wife stay calm and eat well per her doctors orders was seen as control. Well I can see that too! Although she did ask for me to help her.
Makes me sick to think she viewed our home the same way she saw her childhood home, but there it is!
Hi Stand Tall-
I am not sure what we can do for our Spouses. The thing I wish I had was the strength to display unconditional love at BD. How a person could do that I do not know, but when she said, “Oh, he makes me so happy, let me tell you about it” I walked away leaving her sitting on the couch alone. Now I don’t feel I was wrong, because I didn’t know what I know now, but I wished I had just smiled, held her hand and let her talk. Maybe not humanly possible, but I firmly believe it would have been better for her and maybe us in the long run.
It made no sense too myself or others when invited me to talk and visit soon after BD only to call other people and tell them how scared she was of me. A few months late she was vacating her rental and offered it to me. I accepted and a few hours later she called a mutual friend in a panic terrified I was retuning to the area. She went so far as to tell another mutual friend that if they told me where she lived they would be signing her death warrant.
Made no sense at the time. Now that I have read about C-PTSD I get it. Their fear can explode at the slightest twitch.
Interesting your Husband refused to look backward, I remember there was a point where my Wife said, “No more exposing her past”. A friend who heads up a mental health organization told me that the profession, at least here, is curtailing intrusive psychotherapy in favor of providing their patients with the tools needed to navigate a better life.
Dissillusioned-
The blame is so very painful and yes learning about their beginnings does help, at least it helps me to learn where all this blackness comes from. I do sincerely feel for them and I know I am so low today not about the Divorce, but about the suffering she endured as a child.
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In the beginning of my relationship/marriage to my husband I made him a promise that I would never abandon him like everyone else had. This was said because of the stories he told me.
Since he ran away from home I was told by his half sister that my H was an alcoholic by the age of 9.
While I was with him we did drink a lot. I have all but quit now. He and ow drink a lot. I've been told they always have a big drink and shots on the bar.
Seeing this today will help me look at different areas other then the typical mlc, gal info. I do still think I won't be able to do much till he comes out of limerance.
What I hate the most is his fear of me. At BD I did show unconditional live to him. He actually said to me that I was acting like I had a lightbulb moment. I knew something wasn't right with him.
Maybe the fact that I don't drink much anymore is part of having the way for him to come home. We are at 22 months since BD
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Stand tall,
I will tell you what I told my H, “I will love you forever probably....but tolerate any behavior....no I won’t do that. If the way you treat me is not a thing I can stand then I love me and you both enough to put some space between us.”
It is loving to put boundaries. It is loving to not tolerate self or other distraction and it is loving to allow people to be responsible for the outcome of their decisions, it respects both their right to make choices and their ownership of the consequences of those choices. Love enough to respect another persons autonomy.
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Thank you Courage,
We do have distance and have not move in any direction to or away from each other. Just in limbo I guess. I saved this that you wrote so I can remember to use these words when the time comes.
Stand Tall