Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Bb13 on August 05, 2024, 01:54:03 PM
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Hi everyone,
I wanted to post ‘my story’ and seek some expert advice on what you suspect is going on with my H and what I might need to do.
I’m 37 and H is almost 38. Together 15 years and married for 9. We have 2 children: D8 and S5. We also have a baby boy due in Sept/Oct and I suspect is the catalyst to this crisis.
We have had (IMO) a happy marriage and happy relationship. He did leave in March 2012 for 2 months and have been stronger and more solid since.
I had wanted another baby and he was reluctant and told me last summer he didn’t see himself being a father of 3. I was very upset and felt hurt that just because he said no, didn’t mean we couldn’t discuss it a bit. Then from September, after no discussion, suddenly we were no longer being careful. We weren’t actively trying just stopped being careful. I had previously said I was ready to “move on” with life but preferably with another child. If I wasn’t pregnant by the time of my 37th birthday, I’d say it was meant to be and I’d be content with the life we had.
I fell pregnant in January 2024.
Found out in February 2024. He did not react well. He cried and said he was stressed about money. At first I was really annoyed. It was this point I noticed the distance begin.
In retrospect I had noticed him becoming distant since January 2024. Whenever I asked him if he was okay he’d just say it was “work” and “work was stressing him out”. By March 2024, j started asking if “we” were okay. He continued to say it was work. He told me he loved me and would never leave me.
Start of April 2024 he told me he felt I took him for granted (he is/was a fab H and did a lot around the house and for the kids etc) and that he was “bored with the mundaness of life”. I asked if he was going to leave me and he said “don’t be so ridiculous”.
My grandfather died mid April 2024 and by this point my H was even more distant and miserable. He barely spoke to me, sat on the opposite side of the sofa. Continued doing H things, looking at holidays, shopping for beds for our S etc.
We went out one eve with some friends and he was clearly agitated, so much so, my friend asked if he was okay. At home I asked how we were going to get out of this “funk”. Then BD. He said he didn’t know. I asked if he wanted to be with me and he said he didn’t know.
Within the next 5 days, he moved to his mums house in the nest town over, told me he didn’t love me anymore, had no feelings for me, thought our marriage was over and told our children he was leaving me (worst experience of my life!)
I’ve had multiple talks with him since April 2024 and his feelings haven’t really changed. He tells me he doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore and that he won’t love me like he did. He doesn’t want to try and fix it or work on it, start over etc as he doesn’t see the point. Didn’t want to try MC or go away together.
He said he started realising his feelings for me were changing just before Christmas. Our separation was inevitable but the “baby didn’t help”. He believes we want different things and just isn’t “happy” but can’t articulate what he wants, doesn’t want from our marriage and what makes him unhappy. He told me it’s nothing I’ve said or done and just “how he feels”.
I’ve got lots to say about the last 4 months but not sure if this is the time to divulge as this post is getting very long. 😆😆
Is this classic MLC or has he just had enough? Everyone I tell is shocked. He’s normally such a good man. This is so out of character but he is so adamant. When we discuss “us” (not spoken about us for 3 weeks now) he looks dead behind the eyes.
Baby is due imminently and I’m terrified.
Bb
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does sound very MLC. I till remember the confusion and shear cognitive dissonance of the beginning of my LBS experience 13 years ago, but I can't imagine going through it with so much at stake that you have. You are a strong person, and I'm glad you've got support around you who also see how out of character this is. That kind of confirmation will help you move forward in making the tough decisions you now have to make on your own.
As others will no doubt pop along to tell you, your first line of action is to make sure you and your children are as stable as possible. Consult an attorney, even if you don't hire one. Knowledge is power, and you need to know the what ifs. If you need financial and insurance support in place, an attorney can help with that. Know where all of your important papers are, keep records of everything, and remember to eat well, take your vitamins, go to your doctor appointments, sleep, and....breathe...
Having empathy for your spouse and hoping for the best in your marriage can run parallel to all of these things. If you need to reframe it in your mind, protecting what you've built together while he goes through this is something he'll be grateful to you for in the future. And if things go a different way, you will have taken steps to make sure your children and yourself are protected from his choices.
This is not fair, we get it. And the emotional rollercoaster is something no one asked for or deserves. But it will not always feel like this. I promise you that. Big hugs.
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Thank you for your kindness R2Tranform. I’ve consulted a solicitor at the start but luckily my H is willing to still support me whilst I have the baby and for my maternity leave (I’m from UK so will take around 10-11 months off). Big commitment from him as this means he’ll need to continue living with his mum.
I’m not pushing for anything. He’s mentioned divorce in the future but I won’t be filing. He’s also taken most of his clothes but also still got a lot here. I won’t be packing it up just yet.
It’s ‘only’ been 3.5, almost 4 months but it feels like SUCH a long time.
I’m getting lots of mixed messages from him which I suspect show he’s very confused and trying to appease his guilt. I and he knows that leaving me pregnant is pretty awful! And I honestly can’t believe he’s done this. But I’ve accepted that he has.
Hardest things is seeing our marriage as worth fighting for, fixable and just a lovely, normal marriage. But having your OH telling you it’s not enough for him 😔
I’ve asked if there’s OW but he said no. I believe him as I think it would’ve come out by now, he’s here quite a lot, at work (my friend sees his van at his POW a lot) or at his mums. My daughter FaceTimes him and he’s always there.
Even after 15 weeks I quite often just think…”I just don’t get it!” 🤷🏻♀️
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I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this while being pregnant. I imagine that must be particularly hard.
Good on you for seeking some legal advice. How vulnerable are you financially if your h does not keep the promises he is making? I ask bc - although none of us want to think so - a spouse that leaves this way is already breaking the biggest promise they ever made to you (and implicitly your children) so trusting what they say now is in a that new context. And they change their mind…in March he was ‘never leaving you’; in April or do, he left, right? So how can one rationally rely on what he says now holding for another year or so? I am not saying it’s a given, but tbh I would consider a Plan B just in case. And what you might do to protect yourself from further damage wrt to joint financial things like credit cards or savings. Different folks have different arrangements, but it is worth considering how you can protect yourself and your kids. You may have already got some legal guidance on this?
It took every LBS here a little while to adjust to a spouse who looks like their spouse but no longer acts like their spouse. I imagine - understandably - some bit of you is hoping that this is a temporary blip rather than a life-altering wildfire. I can only encourage you to hope for the best but plan for the worst. Again jmo but any man who can walk out on his young children and heavily pregnant wife is already showing you that, for whatever set of reasons, he does not see you or his children as a priority. And so that makes him someone that you cannot rely on as you once did. Actions speak loudly in life; it’s just sometimes we don’t want to hear what they say, especially early on. Even more so when you have kids and are pregnant.
I wouldn’t worry too much right now about MLC vs WAS. What matters is more the label of ‘Moved Out while I am pregnant and Has Mentioned Divorce’ imho. If it is MLC, time will show that bc weird as it is, there tends to be a kind of playbook and things tend to get a bit crazier wrt to their behaviour. Most lie a lot but time and events tend to flush that out without us having to hunt for it. Your h would be very unusual if there is not an ow somewhere in the mix, despite what he might say……snd these folks ALWAYS ‘affair down’ so ow tend to bring their own crazy s&it into the mix….,so you might want to mentally prepare yourself for that. Sadly that might include talking to your GP and arranging for a full STD panel as part of your prenatal health care bc your baby’s health is important, heartbreaking though that is to even think about, sorry,
Or some other weird s&it that will shock you… debt you didn’t know about, drugs, some weird new ‘friends’, problems at work. Basically stuff you could never have imagined that was swilling around beneath the surface of your h’s life before BD. It can often feel like a series of BD aftershocks for a little while if indeed he is an MLCefr. I could absolutely be wrong, of course, but that would make your h almost unique in the stories here so poor odds to bet anything important on.
Above all, I think, it’s a process for most LBS to retrain their brain away from the old assumption where one’s default is to believe what they say automatically. You don’t have to assume he’s lying, just don’t assume that he is always telling you the truth, if that makes sense.
So what can you do? Focus hard on you, your kids and the new brewing human. Focus on the basics - sleep, food, fresh air, your own sanity and wellbeing. How are you doing with those things? And your own support system that does not include him or his family…..how are you doing with that? Bc when life gives us a big punch in the face, we need a few good humans who are on our team and we can feel safe with. Sadly, right now, that does not include your h.
Above all, start teaching yourself to put some version of ‘what is best for me and/or the kids regardless of his wants/needs?’ in the front of your mind before your choices. Big and small choices.
I don’t know how much contact you have with him right now, or under what circumstances, but I’d encourage you to start being rather more self/focused than you are probably used to being. If something works for you, fine. If it doesn’t, probably don’t do it unless there is an overpowering reason why you should or you are legally obliged to do so. Why? Bc your h is no longer putting you and the kids first, so you need to. And bc by leaving he has chosen - maybe temporarily, maybe not - to metaphorically fire you from the job of being his wife. So don’t volunteer after being fired lol.
So, for instance, particularly as he has made his ‘grand announcement’ to your kids, you may want to start living as if you are already separated/divorced on a day to day level.. where he gets to pick his kids up for visitation but he no longer gets to ‘hang’ at your house or do family things that involve you, where he gets basic information about the progress of your pregnancy but no more than that, where you ask others to help with the daily practicalities of life that you once would have asked him for. You don’t tell him about your life, you don’t ask him about his, beyond the kind of polite chit chat you would make with a neighbour over the fence. Your goal is to start to detach your life from the old We practically and emotionally the best you can and replace it with a new Family We that he lives on the edge of. Hard, I know, and you might not feel ready to do that yet - which is ok - but it’s part of training your brain to catch up with the reality that your h does not live with you and your kids anymore by his choice.
I understand that you feel terrified. It’s reasonable and normal that you do. Most of us did. I don’t know if it helps, but you are not the only pregnant LBS who has posted here. Many of us did not imagine we would survive things that we did or ever find a way to reconstruct our lives to once again feel secure, happy and peaceful. But most of us did, one way or another, and there is nothing particularly special about us (lovely though we are!)so there is no reason why you won’t be able to do the same. Even if you can’t see what it looks like yet. Even though it hurts beyond words that you might need to. It just takes time and a bit of faith that there IS an other side to this and you will get there… we know that bc we did, so you can always borrow our faith in your future if yours feels a bit thin right now!
In many ways, this is the hardest and most confusing time. A kind of limbo but with huge lashings of uncertainty. Not really married, not really separated, not really divorced. We get that. It takes a bit of time, and some inevitable trial and error, until you work out a way of navigating what is happening that works best for you. Keep posting, ask questions, say whatever you need to - nothing will surprise us and we will try our best to support you however you approach things.
What do you see as your priority right now?
And how can we best support you?
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Thank you for replying. You’ve made some really excellent points that I hadn’t considered. Namely to do with the fact he said he wouldn’t leave in March and then did in April (so how can I fully trust anything he says now!) and I’ve been fired as his wife.
I see him a few days a week for a few hours so he can see the kids. Sometimes he’ll stay for a few hours to help with dinner and bath time and sometimes it’ll just be for a moment whilst he picks them up.
Since our last R chat, the mixed messages have been ramped up somewhat. I think it’s because I started to detatch a bit: brought up childcare arrangements, asked what we would do with money etc. he even stayed at the house last week for 4 nights (i was taking the kids away for a few days) and he slept in our bed! This was so he could decorate the baby’s room. He’s a doer by nature and his love language is acts of service (ironically!!) so he’ll pretty much do anything around the house. But I suppose it’s for his own guilt rather than him showing me he still cares.
I was kind of hoping this would all be wrapped up by now (HA!!!) but after reading so many stories about MLC over the last few weeks, I can see this is unlikely!
With regards to an OW…time will tell. I may never find out now as i imagine he’ll be open to dating soon…whilst I’m left with his kids and newborn baby. I don’t know that btw…but that’s my assumption 😢
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Hello,
First off so sorry that you’re here. I couldn’t even imagine being pregnant and dealing with all of this. When I first started on this ‘journey’ I thought for sure it was WAS, I had no idea what MLC was, I thought it was old guys with ponytails and sports cars, my wife has neither of those so it must have been something I did/didn’t do that caused this. It took a while but eventually I found this site and I was relieved to know that others were in the exact same position. It took me a while to settle down and get emotionally stable. The ‘out of character’ seems to be MLCish, like a 180 from who he was can describe most spouses in here I would imagine. The ladies who have responded know what they’re talking about. I’m glad you found this site and I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It’s tough in the beginning but after a while you gain strength you didn’t even know you had. For me the advice about focusing on the kids (and your self) was key, I know it has made my relationship with them so much stronger.
Good luck and sorry you’re here
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Thank you Baxter. I’m sorry we’re here too 😔
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You probably don’t feel like it, but you are really doing pretty well. Bc this experience is a mindf**k. And as Baxter said, it takes all of us a little while, usually longer than we might wish, to stabilise our own feelings and thoughts and lives.
With hindsight, it helps to try to avoid seeing the world through their rather chaotic lens as much as possible. To focus on big actions rather than small words. And to assume that their primary motivation is usually self-focused - they do things bc it makes them feel better or to avoid things that make them feel bad imho. Like painting the room… but walking out on your pregnant wife and kids…makes you look slightly less of a pathetic PoS man in his head perhaps? Bc paint is easy, and your own old bed is more comfy maybe than the one in your mummy’s house….but showing up consistently as a husband and father is rather more hard work than a bit of painting, isn’t it?
You’ll figure out what works for you and what does not wrt to your own boundaries as you go, what feel like appropriate ‘rules’ for a husband and father who doesn’t live there anymore as opposed to a full time one who does. His ‘love languages’ won’t matter so much bc they will be dwarfed by the reality of his choice to leave. Most LBS here tend to find other ways and other sources of help and other ways of living that tend to exclude the MLCer bc the benefit is not worth the cost….anf most MLCers do seem to like a certain amount of what we call cake eating that flies in the face or the normal real life predictable effects of their own behaviour. But you’ll figure out what feels ok to you and what does not as you go.
What about your birth plans? Do you have other support? Someone to look after the kids when you go into labour? Preferences for ways you want him to be involved or not? Bc that’s ok too. He left and therefore his opinion on how you best deal with him leaving doesn’t matter, even if he thinks it does. Whatever your version of good enough is, that’s good enough. And a big raspberry noise to anyone who says differently!
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Really sorry to find you here :(
I’ll add to what Bax said. Definitely sounds like MLC. The tell tale signs are the complete shock of the LBS spouse (out of no where BD). The total change in character of the MLCer. The complete lack of empathy towards the LBS. And limerance/the alienator…. This screams MLC to me.
A WAS plans their exit for years before. Goes back to school to retrain etc. it’s thoughtful and there’s a plan. MLC seems like total chaos with no plan.
I think you’ll find this helpful:
https://youtu.be/lXiZ8S2Y-rY?feature=shared
Sorry you’re here friend.
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Thank you Treasur, I’ve read a lot of posts that you’ve commented on so I do feel like I’m in good hands.
I’m at the stage where I accept it’s all happened but I do not believe a word he says. But I accept it’s what he thinks he feels.
I definitely see some of his behaviours as signs that’s probably aren’t there. I can’t understand how he can bear to be around me when he “doesn’t have those feelings” for me anymore. I suspect it’s the slice of normality he maybe subconsciously craves which always ends with “I’d better shoot off”.
I’ve been so grateful for the support of my mum and friends. Mum will be at the birth (she was also there for my other 2 births) and she has helped loads in the last 3.5 months.
I’m an over thinker by nature (is this a common LBS trait??) and I question so much. For example, I threw out an anniversary gift I bought him a few years ago (a wooden tray with ‘mummy and daddy’ engraved on it. When we were sorting the baby’s room I just threw it in the bin bag thinking nothing of it-he’s not sentimental, it looks tatty etc. I came home yesterday and it’s reappeared. Nothing was said. Just back in the room.
The biggest change comes in 7-8 weeks time when I have this baby 🙈 he’s already said he can stay to help with the nights. My head says he can stay if he’s going to stay permanently, I don’t need a lodger for a few weeks. I need my husband. And I don’t think this is him atm. Would you agree??
Bb
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Thank you for contributing WHY. I’m so new and trying to piece my life back together. Like someone said above, I guess the ‘label’ is irrelevant. He’s done what he’s done. And I honestly don’t understand why. He’s in search of a life that I thought he already had and was happy with. Now he’s back living with his mum, which is apparently preferable than coming home to his family, such a kick in the teeth!!
I can’t believe some of the LBS have been so patient for so long. I’m not even 4 months in and it feels like forever!!
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The only opinion imho that matters about his ‘offer’ is yours.
Do whatever you feel - or will feel - makes your life feel easier, more peaceful and less chaotic. Trust your own gut instinct. Don’t feel you have to decide now. And don’t feel that whatever you decide has to be set in stone bc it’s also ok to change your mind.
And if you don’t want that ‘mummy and daddy’ ornament hanging around any longer, throw it away again in the outside bin. Your home, your nursery, your preferences, right? No words or explanation needed.
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BB13,
It's amazing that your mum will be at the birth, and has been there before, what a great support!
I'd echo Treasur's advice, do whatever feels right and comfortable for you in these situations, if you don't want your H at the birth, or hospital, or at your home after the new arrival is here then make that clear. And you can change your mind at any time in the process.
I'm sure you'll post again before the birth, but I hope it goes well. You've got a little army of people here that are behind you, who've been in similar $h!tety situations and can offer good advice. I'm not one of the wise ones here but I'm cheering you on all the same!
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Thank you biscuit. Now I know how this works, do I add to to this thread or start a new one if I have other questions etc??
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Thank you biscuit. Now I know how this works, do I add to to this thread or start a new one if I have other questions etc??
Hi Bb13
You just keep using this thread to journal and ask questions until you get to 150 total posts.
Sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did. It’s a good place.
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Hi everyone,
So I had to go to hospital this morning to have baby monitored and told my H. He was very worried, asked if I wanted him to come to hospital etc. anyway, me and baby are fine,
The weird bit comes after. He text and asked if I wanted to meet him for a coffee to “discuss”. So I said I could meet him at work but he insisted on going out for coffee. So we met.
It was lovely. If it was a “date”, I’d have said it was a very nice date and I’d see him again lol. We didn’t really discuss anything (2 mins about baby!) the rest was general chit chat.
He was showing me something on his phone and he got a message from his friend (who is also a single dad!! I do not like him as he seems to be his new friend in the last year or so!) and the message said “where is she taking you?” Well my mind went into overdrive as it’s H’s birthday next week and he mentioned he was away with work tomorrow (although when I asked him about it, where he’s going and what he’s doing rolled off the tongue and he does have a site where he’s going!) anyway I said “I think I’ve seen something I shouldn’t have”, and gave him his phone back. He looked and said “mikes talking about you as I told him we were meeting up”. So then I said “would you tell me if you were seeing someone?” And he said “yes, course. But I’m not interested in seeing anyone else”.
Thoughts?? This is off the back of 2 weeks of coming to the house more to do BBQs, building baby furniture, staying for family film nights etc.
I’d say we had a lovely date/not date, smiling, laughing, eye contact. I had a snippet of old OLD H and not just H since Xmas!
Trying not to look into it too much but…
Is there a chance he just thinks I’m okay and getting over it and therefore eases his guilt??
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Hello,
He was showing me something on his phone and he got a message from his friend (who is also a single dad!! I do not like him as he seems to be his new friend in the last year or so!) and the message said “where is she taking you?” Well my mind went into overdrive as it’s H’s birthday next week and he mentioned he was away with work tomorrow (although when I asked him about it, where he’s going and what he’s doing rolled off the tongue and he does have a site where he’s going!) anyway I said “I think I’ve seen something I shouldn’t have”, and gave him his phone back.
My guy reaction is that he isn't seeing someone else. First of all, he wasn't being protective of his phone. Also, when you spoke to him about it, he didn't monster and scream about his privacy. He's not playing the pick me dance with you or he would make sure you knew that there was someone else.
I am never 100% sure and MLCers lie and then lie some more, but it is often to suck you into their drama to maintain a connection. He's not doing that.
I will write more when I have the time to give you my impression, but it seems his crisis is an internal one and he is more of a wallower and not outwardly seeking attention to relieve his anxiety.
Have a great evening,
(((Ready)))
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Update: I spoke to his mum today. She’s such a manipulative person. Shes never liked me and told me I’d never take her son away from her on my wedding day…ANYWAY lol. My H has taken my kids away camping for a few days (that was tough!) so she’s chosen today to call me. She’s had 16 weeks but whatever.
I can see what he’s living with and the poison she must be drip feeding him. She asked me “how could you ever want him back after what he’s put you through?” And “it would be too much work if you were to get back together”. But the worst thing she said was “I’ve not seen him as happy as he is in years” so essentially saying now he’s not with me, he’s happy again.
That. Really. Hurt.
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Sorry to be obtuse but what is a WAS? i know what MLC is but not that one!
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Update: I spoke to his mum today. She’s such a manipulative person. Shes never liked me and told me I’d never take her son away from her on my wedding day…ANYWAY lol. My H has taken my kids away camping for a few days (that was tough!) so she’s chosen today to call me. She’s had 16 weeks but whatever.
I can see what he’s living with and the poison she must be drip feeding him. She asked me “how could you ever want him back after what he’s put you through?” And “it would be too much work if you were to get back together”. But the worst thing she said was “I’ve not seen him as happy as he is in years” so essentially saying now he’s not with me, he’s happy again.
That. Really. Hurt.
Urrgh please be careful with this. I would genuinely not say a word to her. Just say its between you and H and you appreciate her calling. If she persists. Just say you have nothing else to say on the matter and say goodbye.
I've had my own share of in law issues. I could see your MIL leading you with these questions, then turning around and telling your H that YOU said "“you could never take H back after what he’s put you through and it would be too much work to get back together” etc. Driving the wedge further.
Just avoid and dont engage. Nothing good comes of it.
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Sorry to be obtuse but what is a WAS? i know what MLC is but not that one!
Walk Away Spouse = expresses discontent for years leading up to them leaving, things dont change, resentment builds, they stop complaining and start planning their exit, like a lot of planning, going back to school to retrain etc, putting the pieces in place for an exit, then BD and no turning back, LBS is "shocked" but the discontent had been evident years before.
MLC = crisis, chaos, BD out of nowhere, shocked/blinsided LBS, completely different MLcer, totally different identify/values/character, the affair, no real plan for the future, YOLO behavior, indecisiveness, magical thinking, they see a different version of the real world around them.
However, LBS actions are exactly the same. Do the work, live as if, GAL, be a beacon of light with zero expectations. Low chance of recon but LBSer finds their peace either way.
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Thanks WHY. I’ve always felt like I have to play a “game” with her. Just to put up with her and keep her sweet. I suspect her contact has come off the back of a hospital stay I had last week where I thought I might be going into premature labour (I’m not) and this has reminded her that her grandson is coming imminently and she’ll need me “onside” to build a relationship with him.
Interestingly, on this day my H was genuinely worried about me/baby and asked if I wanted him to come to the hospital. I said no as was just being monitored. He was already coming over that evening to build baby furniture and help with dinner/bath for kids etc but he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. Actually…just realised I’ve already posted about that lol. But anyway, I suspect he’s told her what happened and she’s “panicked”.
I’m assuming I don’t tell him about my interaction with his mum? I feel like it would be a terrible idea as it’s not like I can “compete” with her right now!
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Update: I spoke to his mum today. She’s such a manipulative person. Shes never liked me and told me I’d never take her son away from her on my wedding day…ANYWAY lol. My H has taken my kids away camping for a few days (that was tough!) so she’s chosen today to call me. She’s had 16 weeks but whatever.
I can see what he’s living with and the poison she must be drip feeding him. She asked me “how could you ever want him back after what he’s put you through?” And “it would be too much work if you were to get back together”. But the worst thing she said was “I’ve not seen him as happy as he is in years” so essentially saying now he’s not with me, he’s happy again.
That. Really. Hurt.
I’d like you to pause for a moment and imagine if you could see any circumstances whatsoever when you would say anything like that to a heavily pregnant woman with two small kids whose h has left her…..
No? I thought not. (And I can’t tell you how outraged and angry I am as a woman that she would say these things to you)
That she did says a great deal about her and nothing at all about you. And for some reason you are treating her words as being a fact as opposed to an opinion.
It’s a pretty good truth in life that one should always consider the source. And I agree with others that you should avoid contact with her as much as posdible. And I formally give you a hall pass and permission to use the ‘given the circumstances, it’s not really appropriate for us to talk’ line. She can play grandma when your h has the kids and on his time. Not your circus if she whines about that….its what happens if you raise a son who leaves a pregnant wife and you behave as if that’s ok bc only his happiness matters. Choices lead to effects……
You owe her nothing. She wasn’t your friend or a friend to your marriage before and she’s not now. She should feel ashamed of her son. The fact she doesn’t tells you a lot about her and your h’s FOO, but still nothing about you.
When life punches us in the face especially when we are brewing a small human, you really get the right to say No Thanks to other peoples’ BS imho. Not your circus. And you have the power right now to do that….your h fired you from being his wife so you are certainly not obliged to behave like a polite DiL. One of the few advantages of a spouse forcing you into separation is that you are no longer obliged to play with his family if they are unpleasant a$$hats.
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Mystery solved on the FOO issues 8) sorry... this is also my MiL. Exactly her. After my H left she sent me a card in the post. It looked exactly like a 'with sympathies' card. i.e someone has died (me?), although it said 'thinking of you' (doesn't mean nice thinkies though, does it). Inside it, she taunted me some more. I quote - 'I often think of you, living alone, in that big house'. Not that big BTW - but the sentiment was 'hahahahaha, bet you are rattling around, all lonely'. There was more. I forget what it was. I burned it. This was a woman who was my MiL for over 20 years. I can honestly say that she neither liked or disliked me. I was just in her way, that's all. All those years, I can think of maybe one time that I had an enjoyable time with my in-laws, when MiL was there. She ruled the roost. Everything was about her needs. It really does explain everything to me. But it doesn't change what happened between me and my H.
I agree with others, keep her at arms length. I would suggest not going into battle with her though, she is likely highly divisive. Be sweet and ignorant, and divulge nothing.
I hope you are feeling better now. So sorry you have to go through this at such a vulnerable time. Lean on those you trust, you'll be surprised who shows up for you.
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I cannot tell you how much I needed to read your replies today. If nothing else, it has made me stop ruminating on what she said and actually laugh at the pitiful outrage of what she said!!
It does make me sad about what she must be drip feeding H but also recognise that he is a grown man. I am able to see the cognitive dissonance of wanting a so badly for him to come home and be with me and our kids, but also that what he has done is just awful.
I was discussing some lf his mixed signals tonight (we both study psychology, she’s doing a BSc and I’m doing my Masters) and we both think these mixed signals are like his subconscious (being happy and comfortable at home, doing the “mundane” things he so hated) at battle with his conscious thoughts (no, I’m unhappy therefore it’s my marriage). I wonder how many MLC struggle with their conscious and subconscious! I’ve always felt that he doesn’t want this deep down…but he won’t allow himself to get that deep!!
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I was discussing some lf his mixed signals tonight (we both study psychology, she’s doing a BSc and I’m doing my Masters) and we both think these mixed signals are like his subconscious (being happy and comfortable at home, doing the “mundane” things he so hated) at battle with his conscious thoughts (no, I’m unhappy therefore it’s my marriage). I wonder how many MLC struggle with their conscious and subconscious! I’ve always felt that he doesn’t want this deep down…but he won’t allow himself to get that deep!!
I tend to view the subconscious and conscious battle as a form of cake eating? I think there are aspects of their married lives that the MLC actually enjoys and will miss. My STBXW has spent the last month appearing to attempt to maintain aspects of her life with me that is incongruent with her views that our marriage is awful and terrible. Like shes picking and choosing which parts of the M she likes and dispenses with the parts she doesnt. Maybe it can be framed as conscious vs unconscious. I think if the MLCer had any semblance of how to balance these impulses, they probably wouldnt have had a MLC in the first place.
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LBS, perhaps you’re right *sigh*.
I’ve woken up and the “I’ve never seen him happier” comment was the first thing I thought of…
Was our marriage worse than what I thought? Did I take him for granted (he and now she has told me this!)? Do I just accept that he’s not coming back??
So many thoughts! Thoughts I shouldn’t be having because I’m due to have his baby in 7 weeks. I should be focused on the baby 😢
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Bb13, put zero weight on what the MiL says. Zero. If she is someone who meant well and wanted the best for you, she would never have said that statement. Even if if true. Not even a person clumsy with words would say it. So then you have to deduce she does not have your best interests at heart, she has hers, and in those circumstances she will deliberately seek to diminish you for her own gains. If she is like my MiL, then everyone has to present a 'face' to her that she approves of, tell her things that she can later brag about to people in her village. Your H is unlikely to be confiding in her, IMO, he will be presenting the competent-son-in-charge of his life face. He will have likely spent his childhood trying to please and impress her for love. Not an excuse, obviously, but probably a partial explanation. I mean, if, at the age of nearly 40, the 'happiest' you've ever been is abandoning your beautiful, intelligent, pregnant wife and your young children to live at home with your domineering mother, then there is truly, seriously, something wrong.
Please do focus on you and the baby, you are the most precious people at the moment. Your H won't just click back together, you have to find strength to move forward without him for now. ((((hugs))))
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And that’s why we know that old saying about sticks and stones hurting you but words don’t is quite wrong. I’d bet there isn’t a single LBS here even years later that doesn’t have some phrase that really affected them and that may even pop back up occasionally years later.
And you are weeks from giving birth, with all of the normal hormones and emotions that come with that. Which imho makes you vulnerable in a really normal way and dealing with your own normal maternal instincts. So I’m going to lend you a bit of my brain in case you need it lol. Her ‘argument’ is rationally based on three things. One: That your h’s happiness is the most important thing. Not yours, your kids or the soon to arrive baby. Do you think that’s true? Two: That she has the ability to be accurate and objective in her assessment. Do you think that’s true? And Three: If it IS true (and pause for a moment to consider why MLC folks so often ‘mask’ as they seem to do), what would that say about the kind of person your h is? End of spare brain!
I’m a little less generous in my PoV on the conscious/subconscious thing tbh. I think humans are pretty good at finding ways to scratch our own psychological itches in ways that might not make sense from the outside and can be a bit uncomfortable to look at from the inside. What I see in your h’s behaviour is that he is to some degree ‘playing’ at being a father and husband. Bc leaving a pregnant wife and small children to live with your mum is not a good look, is it? The ‘wasn’t happy but am still a nice helpful guy who paints a room for his baby’ is a better look in his head probably. Better than creating tremendous pain and chaos for your pregnant wife, and upending your kids lives in the service of your own wants anyway, right? One of the markers imho of disordered folks is that pretty much all of their actions are about THEIR needs, a normal human characteristic but with the volume turned up to 11; they are not all dark triad types.
The tough lesson for most LBS (who are mostly over endowed with empathy and a lean towards care taking) is to focus on actions without inferring deeper meaning. And to start saying Yes and No and Not Like This and I Need to Think About That based on YOUR needs and preferences as opposed to someone else’s. Or what we think someone else’s are lol.
Whatever your h - and MiL - are doing or not doing right now, it is bc it serves them in some way. And crises tend to bring out the worst angels of our natures and our own pathologies, at least initially! However, someone’s choice to end a previous pattern of partnership changes the MO….and gives you permission, and perhaps the need, to focus on what serves YOU best right now. Put simply, for whatever set of reasons, your h and your MiL are putting their needs first…they are not focusing on the needs and wishes of you and your kids, they are not taking care with/of you, so YOU need to. And that might feel a bit strange and unfamiliar, like learning to ride a bike when you haven’t done so in years. I don’t know if you have an IC right now, but a good IC can really help us learn a new MO. I don’t know if you have taken legal advice - and pause for a moment to think what a lawyer thinks when a heavily pregnant woman shows up recounting your situation - but that can also help you think about YOU and YOUR options a bit mote. Even if you are not ready to act on their advice, it can help you set a new MO that looks less like the limbo of a Husband In Name Only and more like a reality of separated parents. And tbh the precedents you set up now might matter longer term if divorce becomes the reality, so it’s worth hearing an objective PoV on that.
So for me the big question is some version of ‘Does x help me or hurt me right now? Does it make me feel better or worse, stronger and calmer or more vulnerable or distressed?’ And if the answer is the latter, take a different course of action. Learn to be self-ish as opposed to selfish. Treat other peoples wishes as offers and options, not obligations, if that makes sense.
So, right now, you are primarily a single parent of two with a husband living elsewhere and about to give birth to a third. What do you need? What do you not need? Is the practical benefit of your h popping over to build cots and paint rooms sufficiently useful that it outweighs any disadvantages of a kind of Husband In Name Only? Is chatting to MiL helpful or not helpful to you? Bc it really is ok to put you (and the baby and your kids) first right now xxx
So, given how things are, what do you need that seems to be available or in your control? And what are you most scared by? And how might we most help bc we are absolutely on Team BB13 and mini BB13s!
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Okay. New update:
H came back from his trip away. Bought the kids home and he ended up staying and chatting with me for about an hour, laughing and just catching up about their trip, mutual friends etc.
So his friend is having a birthday party on Sunday. I met with one of his friends wives last night who told me. Obviously I assumed he’d go and take the kids (it’s a family friendly afternoon thing). Anyway, today he said “do you want to come?”
I said “really? Do YOU want me to come?” And he said “yea. The kids will love it and we can take the dog. Just a family day”.
Is this him reconnecting? Is it him having his cake and eating it?
There are still amber-ish flags. He was talking about decorating bits of the house and I said he didn’t have to decorate the house. He said “I know: but I enjoy doing it. Plus I do still pay money towards the house (and laughed while saying it) and if you’re going to stay in the house, I want the kids to have somewhere nice to live”.
I’m not sure what other answer id expect as he’s clearly not at the “because I want our house to look nice for our family” but…our house is already nice for the kids.
My initial question thoughts were to just go with it atm and see what happens. I’m worried he’s just trying to be my friend and ease his guilt but also…why is he inviting me places suddenly. Coffee date last week, friends party this weekend. He’s asked if I want to take the kids out for a family day trampolining next week (not that I can jump 33 weeks pregnant lol)
My head is spinning. I so want this to be positive!!
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You’re 5 months post BD. He is still deep in replay and will continue to be in there for years. Sorry but it’s highly unlikely this is reconnection.
You can roll with it if it feels right. But have less than zero expectations. It means nothing. He’s anchor checking, alleviating his own guilt, has no idea what he actually wants etc. he could change his mind tomorrow. it means nothing.
I wouldn’t do it if you think it may give you false hope. But if you can stand strong and do it without feeling anything. Then why not.
Be strong.
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Oh my, I am so sorry you were subjected to the MIL comment. She probably tells her friends that she reached out and checked in on you - as in a loving person. Jeesh.
As for family day at the party- hmmmm, I would not want to be a prop for a everything is dandy picture day. Maybe take the day to go pamper yourself with a pal. Hey, you are going to likely have a lot of days with no adult help for parenting so this could be a day for YOU YOU YOU.
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New update: family day didn’t happen as my waters broke on Saturday at 32+6 🤦🏻♀️
Still currently pregnant and in hospital. H has moved back to the house to look after the children and has come up to see me everyday either by himself or with the children.
Obviously anything to do with “us” has been put on the back burner whilst we try and keep this baby in a bit longer.
My friend did tell him it’s likely this has all happened because of the “stress” I’ve been under. He cried. He then told another friend that his “whole world was crumbling beneath him”.
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Well, first of all, we are all sending you and the new little one our thoughts and prayers.
It really is the time to just focus on that, isn’t it?
Your friend may well be right, of course, but you are where you are. It’s a strange thing but most of these spouses seem to do a bit of ‘sadz’….for those not in crisis, it can be a bit like someone cutting their own arm off and then looking for your sympathy. And they use strangely passive language - things ‘happen’ as opposed to them choosing certain actions that tend to come with pretty predictable effects.
There might be a time to be kind about that, strange as it is, but I’d suggest right now is not it. You look after yourself, let others look after you and let him feel what he feels. Only time will show if those feelings turn into more constructive actions.
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Definitely you and the little one are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Good luck to you and your baby. I wouldnt worry about anything with him at this point.
Each day the baby can be kept in is a blessing if I remember how it goes. Im sure well get an update soon.
God Bless