[WHY]

Sorry to be obtuse but what is a WAS? i know what MLC is but not that one!

Walk Away Spouse = expresses discontent for years leading up to them leaving, things dont change, resentment builds, they stop complaining and start planning their exit, like a lot of planning, going back to school to retrain etc, putting the pieces in place for an exit, then BD and no turning back, LBS is "shocked" but the discontent had been evident years before.

MLC = crisis, chaos, BD out of nowhere, shocked/blinsided LBS, completely different MLcer, totally different identify/values/character, the affair, no real plan for the future, YOLO behavior, indecisiveness, magical thinking, they see a different version of the real world around them. 

However, LBS actions are exactly the same.  Do the work, live as if, GAL, be a beacon of light with zero expectations.  Low chance of recon but LBSer finds their peace either way.

[Bb13]

Thanks WHY. I’ve always felt like I have to play a “game” with her. Just to put up with her and keep her sweet. I suspect her contact has come off the back of a hospital stay I had last week where I thought I might be going into premature labour (I’m not) and this has reminded her that her grandson is coming imminently and she’ll need me “onside” to build a relationship with him.

Interestingly, on this day my H was genuinely worried about me/baby and asked if I wanted him to come to the hospital. I said no as was just being monitored. He was already coming over that evening to build baby furniture and help with dinner/bath for kids etc but he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. Actually…just realised I’ve already posted about that lol. But anyway, I suspect he’s told her what happened and she’s “panicked”.

I’m assuming I don’t tell him about my interaction with his mum? I feel like it would be a terrible idea as it’s not like I can “compete” with her right now!

[Treasur]

Update: I spoke to his mum today. She’s such a manipulative person. Shes never liked me and told me I’d never take her son away from her on my wedding day…ANYWAY lol. My H has taken my kids away camping for a few days (that was tough!) so she’s chosen today to call me. She’s had 16 weeks but whatever.

I can see what he’s living with and the poison she must be drip feeding him. She asked me “how could you ever want him back after what he’s put you through?” And “it would be too much work if you were to get back together”. But the worst thing she said was “I’ve not seen him as happy as he is in years” so essentially saying now he’s not with me, he’s happy again.

That. Really. Hurt.

I’d like you to pause for a moment and imagine if you could see any circumstances whatsoever when you would say anything like that to a heavily pregnant woman with two small kids whose h has left her…..

No? I thought not. (And I can’t tell you how outraged and angry I am as a woman that she would say these things to you)
That she did says a great deal about her and nothing at all about you. And for some reason you are treating her words as being a fact as opposed to an opinion.

It’s a pretty good truth in life that one should always consider the source. And I agree with others that you should avoid contact with her as much as posdible. And I formally give you a hall pass and permission to use the ‘given the circumstances, it’s not really appropriate for us to talk’ line. She can play grandma when your h has the kids and on his time. Not your circus if she whines about that….its what happens if you raise a son who leaves a pregnant wife and you behave as if that’s ok bc only his happiness matters.  Choices lead to effects……

You owe her nothing. She wasn’t your friend or a friend to your marriage before and she’s not now. She should feel ashamed of her son. The fact she doesn’t tells you a lot about her and your h’s FOO, but still nothing about you.

When life punches us in the face especially when we are brewing a small human, you really get the right to say No Thanks to other peoples’ BS imho. Not your circus. And you have the power right now to do that….your h fired you from being his wife so you are certainly not obliged to behave like a polite DiL. One of the few advantages of a spouse forcing you into separation is that you are no longer obliged to play with his family if they are unpleasant a$$hats.

[KayDee]

Mystery solved on the FOO issues  sorry... this is also my MiL. Exactly her. After my H left she sent me a card in the post. It looked exactly like a 'with sympathies' card. i.e someone has died (me?), although it said 'thinking of you' (doesn't mean nice thinkies though, does it). Inside it, she taunted me some more. I quote - 'I often think of you, living alone, in that big house'. Not that big BTW - but the sentiment was 'hahahahaha, bet you are rattling around, all lonely'. There was more. I forget what it was. I burned it. This was a woman who was my MiL for over 20 years. I can honestly say that she neither liked or disliked me. I was just in her way, that's all. All those years, I can think of maybe one time that I had an enjoyable time with my in-laws, when MiL was there. She ruled the roost. Everything was about her needs. It really does explain everything to me. But it doesn't change what happened between me and my H.

I agree with others, keep her at arms length. I would suggest not going into battle with her though, she is likely highly divisive. Be sweet and ignorant, and divulge nothing.

I hope you are feeling better now. So sorry you have to go through this at such a vulnerable time. Lean on those you trust, you'll be surprised who shows up for you.

[Bb13]

I cannot tell you how much I needed to read your replies today. If nothing else, it has made me stop ruminating on what she said and actually laugh at the pitiful outrage of what she said!!

It does make me sad about what she must be drip feeding H but also recognise that he is a grown man. I am able to see the cognitive dissonance of wanting a so badly for him to come home and be with me and our kids, but also that what he has done is just awful.

I was discussing some lf his mixed signals tonight (we both study psychology, she’s doing a BSc and I’m doing my Masters) and we both think these mixed signals are like his subconscious (being happy and comfortable at home, doing the “mundane” things he so hated) at battle with his conscious thoughts (no, I’m unhappy therefore it’s my marriage). I wonder how many MLC struggle with their conscious and subconscious! I’ve always felt that he doesn’t want this deep down…but he won’t allow himself to get that deep!!

[LBSinUSA]

I was discussing some lf his mixed signals tonight (we both study psychology, she’s doing a BSc and I’m doing my Masters) and we both think these mixed signals are like his subconscious (being happy and comfortable at home, doing the “mundane” things he so hated) at battle with his conscious thoughts (no, I’m unhappy therefore it’s my marriage). I wonder how many MLC struggle with their conscious and subconscious! I’ve always felt that he doesn’t want this deep down…but he won’t allow himself to get that deep!!

I tend to view the subconscious and conscious battle as a form of cake eating?  I think there are aspects of their married lives that the MLC actually enjoys and will miss.  My STBXW has spent the last month appearing to attempt to maintain aspects of her life with me that is incongruent with her views that our marriage is awful and terrible.  Like shes picking and choosing which parts of the M she likes and dispenses with the parts she doesnt.  Maybe it can be framed as conscious vs unconscious.  I think if the MLCer had any semblance of how to balance these impulses, they probably wouldnt have had a MLC in the first place. 

[Bb13]

LBS, perhaps you’re right *sigh*.

I’ve woken up and the “I’ve never seen him happier” comment was the first thing I thought of…

Was our marriage worse than what I thought? Did I take him for granted (he and now she has told me this!)? Do I just accept that he’s not coming back??

So many thoughts! Thoughts I shouldn’t be having because I’m due to have his baby in 7 weeks. I should be focused on the baby 😢

[KayDee]

Bb13, put zero weight on what the MiL says. Zero. If she is someone who meant well and wanted the best for you, she would never have said that statement. Even if if true. Not even a  person clumsy with words would say it. So then you have to deduce she does not have your best interests at heart, she has hers, and in those circumstances she will deliberately seek to diminish you for her own gains. If she is like my MiL, then everyone has to present a 'face' to her that she approves of, tell her things that she can later brag about to people in her village. Your H is unlikely to be confiding in her, IMO, he will be presenting the competent-son-in-charge of his life face. He will have likely spent his childhood trying to please and impress her for love. Not an excuse, obviously, but probably a partial explanation. I mean, if, at the age of nearly 40, the 'happiest' you've ever been is abandoning your beautiful, intelligent, pregnant wife and your young children to live at home with your domineering mother, then there is truly, seriously, something wrong.

Please do focus on you and the baby, you are the most precious people at the moment. Your H won't just click back together, you have to find strength to move forward without him for now. ((((hugs))))

[Treasur]

 And that’s why we know that old saying about sticks and stones hurting you but words don’t is quite wrong. I’d bet there isn’t a single LBS here even years later that doesn’t have some phrase that really affected them and that may even pop back up occasionally years later.

And you are weeks from giving birth, with all of the normal hormones and emotions that come with that. Which imho makes you vulnerable in a really normal way and dealing with your own normal maternal instincts. So I’m going to lend you a bit of my brain in case you need it lol. Her ‘argument’ is rationally based on three things. One: That your h’s happiness is the most important thing. Not yours, your kids or the soon to arrive baby. Do you think that’s true? Two: That she has the ability to be accurate and objective in her assessment. Do you think that’s true? And Three: If it IS true (and pause for a moment to consider why MLC folks so often ‘mask’ as they seem to do), what would that say about the kind of person your h is? End of spare brain!

I’m a little less generous in my PoV on the conscious/subconscious thing tbh. I think humans are pretty good at finding ways to scratch our own psychological itches in ways that might not make sense from the outside and can be a bit uncomfortable to look at from the inside. What I see in your h’s behaviour is that he is to some degree ‘playing’ at being a father and husband. Bc leaving a pregnant wife and small children to live with your mum is not a good look, is it? The ‘wasn’t happy but am still a nice helpful guy who paints a room for his baby’ is a better look in his head probably. Better than creating tremendous pain and chaos for your pregnant wife, and upending your kids lives in the service of your own wants anyway, right? One of the markers imho of disordered folks is that pretty much all of their actions are about THEIR needs, a normal human characteristic but with the volume turned up to 11; they are not all dark triad types.

The tough lesson for most LBS (who are mostly over endowed with empathy and a lean towards care taking) is to focus on actions without inferring deeper meaning. And to start saying Yes and No and Not Like This and I Need to Think About That based on YOUR needs and preferences as opposed to someone else’s. Or what we think someone else’s are lol.

Whatever your h - and MiL - are doing or not doing right now, it is bc it serves them in some way. And crises tend to bring out the worst angels of our natures and our own pathologies, at least initially! However, someone’s choice to end a previous pattern of partnership changes the MO….and gives you permission, and perhaps the need, to focus on what serves YOU best right now. Put simply, for whatever set of reasons, your h and your MiL are putting their needs first…they are not focusing on the needs and wishes of you and your kids, they are not taking care with/of you, so YOU need to. And that might feel a bit strange and unfamiliar, like learning to ride a bike when you haven’t done so in years. I don’t know if you have an IC right now, but a good IC can really help us learn a new MO. I don’t know if you have taken legal advice - and pause for a moment to think what a lawyer thinks when a heavily pregnant woman shows up recounting your situation - but that can also help you think about YOU and YOUR options a bit mote. Even if you are not ready to act on their advice, it can help you set a new MO that looks less like the limbo of a Husband In Name Only and more like a reality of separated parents. And tbh the precedents you set up now might matter longer term if divorce becomes the reality, so it’s worth hearing an objective PoV on that.

So for me the big question is some version of ‘Does x help me or hurt me right now? Does it make me feel better or worse, stronger and calmer or more vulnerable or distressed?’ And if the answer is the latter, take a different course of action. Learn to be self-ish as opposed to selfish. Treat other peoples wishes as offers and options, not obligations, if that makes sense.

So, right now, you are primarily a single parent of two with a husband living elsewhere and about to give birth to a third. What do you need? What do you not need? Is the practical benefit of your h popping over to build cots and paint rooms sufficiently useful that it outweighs any disadvantages of a kind of Husband In Name Only? Is chatting to MiL helpful or not helpful to you? Bc it really is ok to put you (and the baby and your kids) first right now xxx

So, given how things are, what do you need that seems to be available or in your control? And what are you most scared by? And how might we most help bc we are absolutely on Team BB13 and mini BB13s!

[Bb13]

Okay. New update:
H came back from his trip away. Bought the kids home and he ended up staying and chatting with me for about an hour, laughing and just catching up about their trip, mutual friends etc.

So his friend is having a birthday party on Sunday. I met with one of his friends wives last night who told me. Obviously I assumed he’d go and take the kids (it’s a family friendly afternoon thing). Anyway, today he said “do you want to come?”
I said “really? Do YOU want me to come?” And he said “yea. The kids will love it and we can take the dog. Just a family day”.

Is this him reconnecting? Is it him having his cake and eating it?

There are still amber-ish flags. He was talking about decorating bits of the house and I said he didn’t have to decorate the house. He said “I know: but I enjoy doing it. Plus I do still pay money towards the house (and laughed while saying it) and if you’re going to stay in the house, I want the kids to have somewhere nice to live”.

I’m not sure what other answer id expect as he’s clearly not at the “because I want our house to look nice for our family” but…our house is already nice for the kids.

My initial question thoughts were to just go with it atm and see what happens. I’m worried he’s just trying to be my friend and ease his guilt but also…why is he inviting me places suddenly. Coffee date last week, friends party this weekend. He’s asked if I want to take the kids out for a family day trampolining next week (not that I can jump 33 weeks pregnant lol)

My head is spinning. I so want this to be positive!!