[Bb13]

Hi everyone,
I wanted to post ‘my story’ and seek some expert advice on what you suspect is going on with my H and what I might need to do.

I’m 37 and H is almost 38. Together 15 years and married for 9. We have 2 children: D8 and S5. We also have a baby boy due in Sept/Oct and I suspect is the catalyst to this crisis.

We have had (IMO) a happy marriage and happy relationship. He did leave in March 2012 for 2 months and have been stronger and more solid since.

I had wanted another baby and he was reluctant and told me last summer he didn’t see himself being a father of 3. I was very upset and felt hurt that just because he said no, didn’t mean we couldn’t discuss it a bit. Then from September, after no discussion, suddenly we were no longer being careful. We weren’t actively trying just stopped being careful. I had previously said I was ready to “move on” with life but preferably with another child. If I wasn’t pregnant by the time of my 37th birthday, I’d say it was meant to be and I’d be content with the life we had.
I fell pregnant in January 2024.
Found out in February 2024. He did not react well. He cried and said he was stressed about money. At first I was really annoyed. It was this point I noticed the distance begin.

In retrospect I had noticed him becoming distant since January 2024. Whenever I asked him if he was okay he’d just say it was “work” and “work was stressing him out”. By March 2024, j started asking if “we” were okay. He continued to say it was work. He told me he loved me and would never leave me.
Start of April 2024 he told me he felt I took him for granted (he is/was a fab H and did a lot around the house and for the kids etc) and that he was “bored with the mundaness of life”. I asked if he was going to leave me and he said “don’t be so ridiculous”.

My grandfather died mid April 2024 and by this point my H was even more distant and miserable. He barely spoke to me, sat on the opposite side of the sofa. Continued doing H things, looking at holidays, shopping for beds for our S etc.

We went out one eve with some friends and he was clearly agitated, so much so, my friend asked if he was okay. At home I asked how we were going to get out of this “funk”. Then BD. He said he didn’t know. I asked if he wanted to be with me and he said he didn’t know.

Within the next 5 days, he moved to his mums house in the nest town over, told me he didn’t love me anymore, had no feelings for me, thought our marriage was over and told our children he was leaving me (worst experience of my life!)

I’ve had multiple talks with him since April 2024 and his feelings haven’t really changed. He tells me he doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore and that he won’t love me like he did. He doesn’t want to try and fix it or work on it, start over etc as he doesn’t see the point. Didn’t want to try MC or go away together.

He said he started realising his feelings for me were changing just before Christmas. Our separation was inevitable but the “baby didn’t help”. He believes we want different things and just isn’t “happy” but can’t articulate what he wants, doesn’t want from our marriage and what makes him unhappy. He told me it’s nothing I’ve said or done and just “how he feels”.

I’ve got lots to say about the last 4 months but not sure if this is the time to divulge as this post is getting very long. 😆😆

Is this classic MLC or has he just had enough? Everyone I tell is shocked. He’s normally such a good man. This is so out of character but he is so adamant. When we discuss “us” (not spoken about us for 3 weeks now) he looks dead behind the eyes.

Baby is due imminently and I’m terrified.

Bb

[Ready2Transform]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does sound very MLC. I till remember the confusion and shear cognitive dissonance of the beginning of my LBS experience 13 years ago, but I can't imagine going through it with so much at stake that you have. You are a strong person, and I'm glad you've got support around you who also see how out of character this is. That kind of confirmation will help you move forward in making the tough decisions you now have to make on your own.

As others will no doubt pop along to tell you, your first line of action is to make sure you and your children are as stable as possible. Consult an attorney, even if you don't hire one. Knowledge is power, and you need to know the what ifs. If you need financial and insurance support in place, an attorney can help with that. Know where all of your important papers are, keep records of everything, and remember to eat well, take your vitamins, go to your doctor appointments, sleep, and....breathe...

Having empathy for your spouse and hoping for the best in your marriage can run parallel to all of these things. If you need to reframe it in your mind, protecting what you've built together while he goes through this is something he'll be grateful to you for in the future. And if things go a different way, you will have taken steps to make sure your children and yourself are protected from his choices.

This is not fair, we get it. And the emotional rollercoaster is something no one asked for or deserves. But it will not always feel like this. I promise you that. Big hugs.

[Bb13]

Thank you for your kindness R2Tranform. I’ve consulted a solicitor at the start but luckily my H is willing to still support me whilst I have the baby and for my maternity leave (I’m from UK so will take around 10-11 months off). Big commitment from him as this means he’ll need to continue living with his mum.

I’m not pushing for anything. He’s mentioned divorce in the future but I won’t be filing. He’s also taken most of his clothes but also still got a lot here. I won’t be packing it up just yet.

It’s ‘only’ been 3.5, almost 4 months but it feels like SUCH a long time.

I’m getting lots of mixed messages from him which I suspect show he’s very confused and trying to appease his guilt. I and he knows that leaving me pregnant is pretty awful! And I honestly can’t believe he’s done this. But I’ve accepted that he has.

Hardest things is seeing our marriage as worth fighting for, fixable and just a lovely, normal marriage. But having your OH telling you it’s not enough for him 😔

I’ve asked if there’s OW but he said no. I believe him as I think it would’ve come out by now, he’s here quite a lot, at work (my friend sees his van at his POW a lot) or at his mums. My daughter FaceTimes him and he’s always there.

Even after 15 weeks I quite often just think…”I just don’t get it!” 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Treasur]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this while being pregnant. I imagine that must be particularly hard.

Good on you for seeking some legal advice. How vulnerable are you financially if your h does not keep the promises he is making? I ask bc - although none of us want to think so - a spouse that leaves this way is already breaking the biggest promise they ever made to you (and implicitly your children) so trusting what they say now is in a that new context. And they change their mind…in March he was ‘never leaving you’; in April or do, he left, right? So how can one rationally rely on what he says now holding for another year or so?  I am not saying it’s a given, but tbh I would consider a Plan B just in case. And what you might do to protect yourself from further damage wrt to joint financial things like credit cards or savings. Different folks have different arrangements, but it is worth considering how you can protect yourself and your kids. You may have already got some legal guidance on this?

It took every LBS here a little while to adjust to a spouse who looks like their spouse but no longer acts like their spouse. I imagine - understandably - some bit of you is hoping that this is a temporary blip rather than a life-altering wildfire. I can only encourage you to hope for the best but plan for the worst. Again jmo but any man who can walk out on his young children and heavily pregnant wife is already showing you that, for whatever set of reasons, he does not see you or his children as a priority.  And so that makes him someone that you cannot rely on as you once did. Actions speak loudly in life; it’s just sometimes we don’t want to hear what they say, especially early on. Even more so when you have kids and are pregnant.

I wouldn’t worry too much right now about MLC vs WAS. What matters is more the label of ‘Moved Out while I am pregnant and Has Mentioned Divorce’ imho. If it is MLC, time will show that bc weird as it is, there tends to be a kind of playbook and things tend to get a bit crazier wrt to their behaviour. Most lie a lot but time and events tend to flush that out without us having to hunt for it. Your h would be very unusual if there is not an ow somewhere in the mix, despite what he might say……snd these folks ALWAYS ‘affair down’ so ow tend to bring their own crazy s&it into the mix….,so you might want to mentally prepare yourself for that. Sadly that might include talking to your GP and arranging for a full STD panel as part of your prenatal health care bc your baby’s health is important, heartbreaking though that is to even think about, sorry,

Or some other weird s&it that will shock you… debt you didn’t know about, drugs, some weird new ‘friends’, problems at work. Basically stuff you could never have imagined that was swilling around beneath the surface of your h’s life before BD. It can often feel like a series of BD aftershocks for a little while if indeed he is an MLCefr.  I could absolutely be wrong, of course, but that would make your h almost unique in the stories here so poor odds to bet anything important on.

Above all, I think, it’s a process for most LBS to retrain their brain away from the old assumption where one’s default is to believe what they say automatically. You don’t have to assume he’s lying, just don’t assume that he is always telling you the truth, if that makes sense.

So what can you do? Focus hard on you, your kids and the new brewing human. Focus on the basics - sleep, food, fresh air, your own sanity and wellbeing. How are you doing with those things? And your own support system that does not include him or his family…..how are you doing with that? Bc when life gives us a big punch in the face, we need a few good humans who are on our team and we can feel safe with. Sadly, right now, that does not include your h.

Above all, start teaching yourself to put some version of ‘what is best for me and/or the kids regardless of his wants/needs?’ in the front of your mind before your choices. Big and small choices.

I don’t know how much contact you have with him right now, or under what circumstances, but I’d encourage you to start being rather more self/focused than you are probably used to being. If something works for you, fine. If it doesn’t, probably don’t do it unless there is an overpowering reason why you should or you are legally obliged to do so. Why? Bc your h is no longer putting you and the kids first, so you need to. And bc by leaving he has chosen - maybe temporarily, maybe not - to metaphorically fire you from the job of being his wife. So don’t volunteer after being fired lol.

So, for instance, particularly as he has made his ‘grand announcement’ to your kids, you may want to start living as if you are already separated/divorced on a day to day level..  where he gets to pick his kids up for visitation but he no longer gets to ‘hang’ at your house or do family things that involve you, where he gets basic information about the progress of your pregnancy but no more than that, where you ask others to help with the daily practicalities of life that you once would have asked him for. You don’t tell him about your life, you don’t ask him about his, beyond the kind of polite chit chat you would make with a neighbour over the fence. Your goal is to start to detach your life from the old We practically and emotionally the best you can and replace it with a new Family We that he lives on the edge of. Hard, I know, and you might not feel ready to do that yet - which is ok - but it’s part of training your brain to catch up with the reality that your h does not live with you and your kids anymore by his choice.

I understand that you feel terrified. It’s reasonable and normal that you do. Most of us did. I don’t know if it helps, but you are not the only pregnant LBS who has posted here. Many of us did not imagine we would survive things that we did or ever find a way to reconstruct our lives to once again feel secure, happy and peaceful. But most of us did, one way or another, and there is nothing particularly special about us (lovely though we are!)so there is no reason why you won’t be able to do the same. Even if you can’t see what it looks like yet. Even though it hurts beyond words that you might need to. It just takes time and a bit of faith that there IS an other side to this and you will get there… we know that bc we did, so you can always borrow our faith in your future if yours feels a bit thin right now!

In many ways, this is the hardest and most confusing time. A kind of limbo but with huge lashings of uncertainty. Not really married, not really separated, not really divorced. We get that. It takes a bit of time, and some inevitable trial and error, until you work out a way of navigating what is happening that works best for you. Keep posting, ask questions, say whatever you need to - nothing will surprise us and we will try our best to support you however you approach things.

What do you see as your priority right now?
And how can we best support you?

[Bb13]

Thank you for replying. You’ve made some really excellent points that I hadn’t considered. Namely to do with the fact he said he wouldn’t leave in March and then did in April (so how can I fully trust anything he says now!) and I’ve been fired as his wife.

I see him a few days a week for a few hours so he can see the kids. Sometimes he’ll stay for a few hours to help with dinner and bath time and sometimes it’ll just be for a moment whilst he picks them up.

Since our last R chat, the mixed messages have been ramped up somewhat. I think it’s because I started to detatch a bit: brought up childcare arrangements, asked what we would do with money etc. he even stayed at the house last week for 4 nights (i was taking the kids away for a few days) and he slept in our bed! This was so he could decorate the baby’s room. He’s a doer by nature and his love language is acts of service (ironically!!) so he’ll pretty much do anything around the house. But I suppose it’s for his own guilt rather than him showing me he still cares.

I was kind of hoping this would all be wrapped up by now (HA!!!) but after reading so many stories about MLC over the last few weeks, I can see this is unlikely!

With regards to an OW…time will tell. I may never find out now as i imagine he’ll be open to dating soon…whilst I’m left with his kids and newborn baby. I don’t know that btw…but that’s my assumption 😢

[Baxter1]

Hello,

First off so sorry that you’re here. I couldn’t even imagine being pregnant and dealing with all of this. When I first started on this ‘journey’ I thought for sure it was WAS, I had no idea what MLC was, I thought it was old guys with ponytails and sports cars, my wife has neither of those so it must have been something I did/didn’t do that caused this. It took a while but eventually I found this site and I was relieved to know that others were in the exact same position. It took me a while to settle down and get emotionally stable. The ‘out of character’ seems to be MLCish, like a 180 from who he was can describe most spouses in here I would imagine. The ladies who have responded know what they’re talking about. I’m glad you found this site and I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It’s tough in the beginning but after a while you gain strength you didn’t even know you had. For me the advice about focusing on the kids (and your self) was key, I know it has made my relationship with them so much stronger.
Good luck and sorry you’re here

[Bb13]

Thank you Baxter. I’m sorry we’re here too 😔

[Treasur]

You probably don’t feel like it, but you are really doing pretty well. Bc this experience is a mindf**k. And as Baxter said, it takes all of us a little while, usually longer than we might wish, to stabilise our own feelings and thoughts and lives.

With hindsight, it helps to try to avoid seeing the world through their rather chaotic lens as much as possible. To focus on big actions rather than small words. And to assume that their primary motivation is usually self-focused - they do things bc it makes them feel better or to avoid things that make them feel bad imho. Like painting the room… but walking out on your pregnant wife and kids…makes you look slightly less of a pathetic PoS man in his head perhaps? Bc paint is easy, and your own old bed is more comfy maybe than the one in your mummy’s house….but showing up consistently as a husband and father is rather more hard work than a bit of painting, isn’t it?

You’ll figure out what works for you and what does not wrt to your own boundaries as you go, what feel like appropriate ‘rules’ for a husband and father who doesn’t live there anymore as opposed to a full time one who does. His ‘love languages’ won’t matter so much bc they will be dwarfed by the reality of his choice to leave. Most LBS here tend to find other ways and other sources of help and other ways of living that tend to exclude the MLCer bc the benefit is not worth the cost….anf most MLCers do seem to like a certain amount of what we call cake eating that flies in the face or the normal real life predictable effects of their own behaviour. But you’ll figure out what feels ok to you and what does not as you go.

What about your birth plans? Do you have other support? Someone to look after the kids when you go into labour? Preferences for ways you want him to be involved or not? Bc that’s ok too. He left and therefore his opinion on how you best deal with him leaving doesn’t matter, even if he thinks it does. Whatever your version of good enough is, that’s good enough. And a big raspberry noise to anyone who says differently!

[WHY]

Really sorry to find you here

I’ll add to what Bax said.  Definitely sounds like MLC.  The tell tale signs are the complete shock of the LBS spouse (out of no where BD).  The total change in character of the MLCer.  The complete lack of empathy towards the LBS.  And limerance/the alienator…. This screams MLC to me. 

A WAS plans their exit for years before.   Goes back to school to retrain etc.  it’s thoughtful and there’s a plan. MLC seems like total chaos with no plan. 

I think you’ll find this helpful:
https://youtu.be/lXiZ8S2Y-rY?feature=shared

Sorry you’re here friend.   

[Bb13]

Thank you Treasur, I’ve read a lot of posts that you’ve commented on so I do feel like I’m in good hands.

I’m at the stage where I accept it’s all happened but I do not believe a word he says. But I accept it’s what he thinks he feels.

I definitely see some of his behaviours as signs that’s probably aren’t there. I can’t understand how he can bear to be around me when he “doesn’t have those feelings” for me anymore. I suspect it’s the slice of normality he maybe subconsciously craves which always ends with “I’d better shoot off”.

I’ve been so grateful for the support of my mum and friends. Mum will be at the birth (she was also there for my other 2 births) and she has helped loads in the last 3.5 months.

I’m an over thinker by nature (is this a common LBS trait??) and I question so much. For example, I threw out an anniversary gift I bought him a few years ago (a wooden tray with ‘mummy and daddy’ engraved on it. When we were sorting the baby’s room I just threw it in the bin bag thinking nothing of it-he’s not sentimental, it looks tatty etc. I came home yesterday and it’s reappeared. Nothing was said. Just back in the room.

The biggest change comes in 7-8 weeks time when I have this baby 🙈 he’s already said he can stay to help with the nights. My head says he can stay if he’s going to stay permanently, I don’t need a lodger for a few weeks. I need my husband. And I don’t think this is him atm. Would you agree??

Bb