Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Shantilly Lace on August 05, 2011, 04:33:45 AM
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When you come to the board you are heartbroken, dazed and disorientated.
I understand this. We all understand this.
But please think about your username. Rather than stating how you are at present ie dyinginside (hope noone has this) stat how you want to be or at least neutral.
I'm shantilly lace. I like the words means nothing. I do not want to be dragged down by a name.
We have Ready to fix myself, Letting go and learning I am ok.
Choose something that doesn't reflect now but what you really are, what you Hope to be.
For those who look at their names and think yuck you can change them in your profile.
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I will also suggest that you read up as a minimum on the links at the bottom of my signature.
You can learn a lot by looking at peoples profiles.
Like where they are from and anything else that they care to share.
Be careful that you don't give anything too personal as it is VERY possible that
Your spouses can find you here.
If you need any help with that let me know since I am really an expert at that.
Or at least my wife is, I should say.
Try to keep this place a secret as it does no good to share the information with your MLC'er
they will only use it against you.
Believe me when I say that.
Pretty much everything is fair game as far as posting.
Just stay away from foul language or at least use some letters like $ = S.
And personal names or attacks
Good thread SL!!!
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Shantilly,
how funny...I was just thinking of that very thing last night...How do we want to be defined?
This is really good!! My name has personal meaning....but nothing anyone knows about..;)
The only advice I will give to newbies..." That it is OK to be angry, scared and hurt. YOUR NOT ALONE!
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.......and read the thread Survival Instructions for Newbies
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Yes, please, please DO YOURSELF A FAVOR and decide whether you want to be a victim or victorious! You may feel awful now, but look around here and you will see that you can feel sorrow and joy all in the same day... this is REAL life mixed with SURREAL life and we've all been where you are. Your situation is NOT special, or worse, or different than anyone else's, although some MLCers really, really complicate things to the nth degree. >:(
Resentment is a killer.... it will kill your spirit, and resentment is what your MLCer is enveloped in right now. You can heal YOU by addressing RESENTMENT.... anger is appropriate, but resentment only hurts YOU and those you love.
Remember, it's not where you start, but where you finish!
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Excellent thread!
My advice would be to realize that in the majority of cases, things do get better but let me explain this:
Over time, things between you and your spouse can actually get worse or his or her behavior or actions can get worse, but it is YOU that gets better with time. Your emotions will fluctuate and some days may be great, others horrific but in my experience, and based on following threads of newbies to seasoned veterans, nothing is worse than the beginning in terms of your emotions.
So once you have that bomb drop and you are hurt, confused and above all else shocked, remember that the despair you feel will not last forever nor be as intense. I really believe that the shock, the surprise, the initial getting thrown off your perch, is the worse. So hang in there.
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First of all, get on your journeys, ALL of you; walk it to the best of your ability; this is important for all newbies to take note of. The longer you stay stuck in the MLC'ers drama, the more time that will be wasted before you "get it", and get to work within yourselves.
You can NOT control anyone but YOURSELF, so focus on YOU, not them.
Do NOT try to push the MLC'er into seeing that they are in crisis; they do NOT see this in themselves, as they think everyone but them has a problem; most especially the LBS, and they do NOT need ANY help from you.
You can't help them, anyway; they are unreachable; most especially within the early days.
Don't sent them material on the crisis, or even talk about it to them. And, for what it's worth, stop sharing your lives with them, for one thing they don't care at all, for another; your transparency can be your undoing as they can take something you say, and turn it against you later on.
NO relationship talks, these will do nothing but create more pressure, causing the MLC'er to run farther away from you. These are honestly NOT that important, anyway, as you can talk until you're blue in the face, but if you're unwilling to make the changes, to back up what's said, words don't mean anything at all.
It's the ACTIONS that will always tell the tale, regardless of whether you do any talking or not.
They will come to you when/if they need you and not before...so let them go, and let God handle them.
Be friendly, but distant; PLEASE learn to detach early and distance well away from their drama. Don't take anything they do or say personally. When someone does something to you or anyone else, it has everything to do with them, and NOTHING to do with the person it gets done to.
It is always the issues/perception within that drives one's behavior without..and perception becomes everything during the crisis.
Also remember that no matter what you see on the outside, you do NOT see what's on the inside; and so you never know what's going on in their minds and hearts. Only God knows this for certain.
You CANNOT, and WILL NOT EVER, be able to "mind read" a MLC'er...what you may think they'll do is NOT always what they will do..so drop your expectations down to zero and below...and learn to disengage yourself from them in every way but what's polite to do.
Not everything they say requires or even needs an answer, so don't always jump when they want you to, the only exception is life or death...everything else in between doesn't make and won't make, that much difference to you or them.
What they are "on fire" about one day, won't be the same aspect they will be "on fire" about on the next day or even week.
The best way to stay out of their confusion, is to DETACH from it, and stop trying to analyze their every saying and movement; not ALL of these have "meaning" or significance to or toward you; most of the time, it will only have meaning to them, and contribute to THEIR INDIVIDUAL journey as a whole.
Get through the process of separating your life from the MLC'ers, and KEEP IT SEPARATED; this is a permanent aspect that should remain for LIFE...one of the goals of this journey is to become an individual once again; NOT to return to the damaging aspect of codependency that was present when the crisis hit.
Although God sees the couple as "one flesh" there are and should be two separate minds at work, here...and a partnership should result at the end, IF both of you allow this process to do it work on you, and you do the necessary work within yourselves to come through whole, healed, and changed.
Last thing; ACCEPT this process, EMBRACE it fully.....you can't turn back the hands of time, you can only go forward, and make your lives as good as you can make it.
It's not the trial you face, but the attitude you learn to face it with that counts the most. :)
I hope this will also help. :)
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You like me, you really like me! Sally Field from the Oscars, but I thought I would borrow it. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I agree with SL, I wanted a name to reflect that I am going to make it out on the other side of this intact. Even better than I was. With all the info and guidance I get here, despite the occasional slip in the the pot hole, I know I will. It still sucks, but it's no longer sucking the life blood out of me.
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With all the info and guidance I get here, despite the occasional slip in the the pot hole, I know I will. It still sucks, but it's no longer sucking the life blood out of me.
That's the spirit! :) Attitude is, indeed, everything; but you know you're going to be OK, and that is all that matters in the long run. :)
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After being on the site for a few months, I really wanted to change my name. While ReadytoFixmyselffirst sounded hopeful and putting the perspective of working on myself first and that it was my journey, I came to realize that the name sounds like a self-help manual for a vasectomy, one with a rusty knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels for anesthetic.
That's why I am s glad that my good friends shortened it to "Ready".
When I sense a real change in my situation, I will change my name. Of course, nothing has changed.
I am still waiting for "Gonnasuehimforeverything" or "Gonnagetyousucka" as new names but no luck so far.
Have a good evening.
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I came to realize that the name sounds like a self-help manual for a vasectomy, one with a rusty knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels for anesthetic.
I think you got the WRONG self help manual; it's actually the one written for advanced brain surgery. :) This involves a heavy duty ice pick, a sledgehammer to drive the final "point" home, AND, as an added bonus(optional) this tool can ALSO be used for the anesthetic! LOL!!
Sorry, my sense of humor got the best of me that time! :) I was thinking of the altered thought processes of the MLC'er, AND that brought to mind a time when I was doing "brain" surgery on another messageboard in another life; long before I even knew anything about MLC, LOL!!
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Lol! Love this Shantilly. ;D
When I started posting I thought I would never find peace, safety, or happiness again - especially without my H. Finding that seemed impossible. It took a long time, but I can honestly say that I am finding my Zen, even without my H. Doing this on my own is incredibly empowering as well.
8)
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Ready, you crack me up! ;D
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HB, Is this something the Lord has revealed to you, or have I, Mamma Bear, Little Chief, Letting Go and Offmyrocker poisoned you. You are judged by the company you keep. :o
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HB is finishing up her time here.... so don't torture her, LOL!! She has always had a sense of humor, but some of the LBS don't! I'm glad to see that there is a lot of gallows humor happening on this site.... if you can't laugh, you'd cry all day!! Thanks, Ready, for always being READY!!! We know you're like a Boy Scout... always prepared, hahaha!!
i LOVE this thready, but it pretty much makes all of the hoo ha on the forum moot..... we've each given our best advice RIGHT HERE in a nutshell! 8)
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HB, Is this something the Lord has revealed to you, or have I, Mamma Bear, Little Chief, Letting Go and Offmyrocker poisoned you. You are judged by the company you keep. :o
LearningIAmOK, I have to admit I laughed so hard at what you said, I nearly fell out of my chair, LOL!!
When I saw what Ready posted, I just couldn't resist throwing a twist into it to add more humor to the situation...it was hilarious enough at one point, that Ready was running around posting about stoning MLC'ers to death, amongst other things...and I used to chase him down just to see where he'd posted, so I could laugh at what he'd said on a given day.
No, Sweetie, He really didn't show me this;(although, I KNOW you're joking, LOL!!), yet, the Lord just said to tell you, and I quote, that you NEVER know what God will come up with on any given day! And HE'S laughing at what you said, LOL!!
I came up with this on my own; I don't really think the Lord would honestly go that far with me, although He really does have a great sense of humor. While I was going through the troubles of my husband's first affair, He and I got to laughing one day because my husband was acting SO stupid about all of the "hiding" he THOUGHT he was getting away with.
The Lord wouldn't stop laughing, and kept saying various things about my husband's brainless actions, until I was laughing so hard I nearly lost my breath; I really needed to laugh at that time.
I said that I thought we were wrong for laughing, He said NO, we aren't, we are laughing at his BEHAVIOR, not at the man himself. Then He said something else, that set me off again; and He laughed, too...He really was trying to make me feel better, and He succeeded, using humor to help me get back on my feet. I think I asked Him if He were sure he even placed a brain within that man's head, He said He was certain; and I made a crack about Him not making sure it was tightly enough in place, and so my husband must have lost it along the way.
It was just silly stuff. I even laughed as I made a comment to the Lord about how He'd made men the way He had....He simply said they were what they were, and still had choices, even they made wrong choices along the way, LOL!! Heck, THAT even set me off; wasn't what He said, but it was HOW He said it that got to me, LOL!!
As I recall, that was one the best days I'd had in a long time. :)
I would have to honestly concede to your second point about the company I keep. LOL! Quite honestly, I can't say I would find better company than all of you to keep it with. :)
I have to worry MORE about how I'm influencing you than you influencing me, LOL!! Especially with the "gallows" humor I have posted from time to time, not to mention telling a LBS one time the best way to help her MLC spouse load his car was to make a small hole in the back windshield, and shove him AND his golf clubs through it at the SAME time, LOL!!
Then for 15 minutes, after I posted that, I was really on edge, terrified I had said the WRONG thing, although, my Intuition had said that was OK to say; as the LBS in question was a good natured person, and I knew her well.
When she finally posted that she was laughing so hard she was gasping for breath, and said something else to bring me back with something else that made her laugh even harder, I knew it was OK, and was very relieved. :)
HB is finishing up her time here.... so don't torture her, LOL!!
Nobody is torturing me at all, LG I just think it's too funny! LOL!!
She has always had a sense of humor,
LG is absolutely right about that, although you don't see my humor that much unless someone either directs it at me first, or I KNOW for a fact that the LBS in question is OK with me making jokes. If someone throws something at me first, get ready, because something's coming back at you. I'm a very good natured person as a general rule, fairly laid back, and people pick on me all the time, and I pick right back....there are some things, however, that I don't joke about at all.
I won't make fun or even poke fun at LBS' I know that either don't like it, or are not in a place they can take or even deal with it. I also won't poke fun as LBS because they aren't getting it, although I've been known to pitch 2x4's if they've been in this at least 6 months or more without having gotten themselves together.
I never wish to make anyone feel that I don't understand how they feel, neither would I hurt anyone deliberately, or make them feel they don't count, or that they have no right to feel as they do.
On the other hand, I have been known to poke fun at quite of the things that happened in my situation; back in the day; it's all laughable, some of it was downright hilarious at times; if you can't laugh, you'll cry your eyes out, or hit rock bottom, and we can't have that. :)
So, always find something to laugh at, as laughter is truly the best medicine of all! :)
Love,
HB
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I came to realize that the name sounds like a self-help manual for a vasectomy, one with a rusty knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels for anesthetic.
I think you got the WRONG self help manual; it's actually the one written for advanced brain surgery. :) This involves a heavy duty ice pick, a sledgehammer to drive the final "point" home, AND, as an added bonus(optional) this tool can ALSO be used for the anesthetic! LOL!!
Love it ;D ;D ;D
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Personally I find if the name chosen is more on the negative side I find it hard to open the thread in the early days. This is because we all know the grief and pain and how we are consumed by it in the very early days. But a positive name for the future screams hope for that LBS.
Always, always, always ask lots of questions about the MLC journey but more importantly yours as the LBS. There is lots of information on this site but others as well. Read books and look at other information streams such as male depression.
The reason I am Justasking was I drove people mad in the early stages as I know the key to both mine and my H journey was in the information I needed to detach and move forward. I drove some older posters mad by coming back time and time again to get my understanding right. OP was particularly patient with me lol ::)
Shantilly great thread and one a lot of us have been thinking about for a while but you had the courage to write it down.
xx
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Personally I find if the name chosen is more on the negative side I find it hard to open the thread in the early days. This is because we wall know the grief and pain and how we are consumed by it in the very early days. But a positive name for the future screams hope for that LBS.
Would you believe that way back in the day I started out with the moniker of "HurtingBadly"? When I read your post, JA, it triggered a long forgotten memory of the name I started out with so long ago. For several months, I kept that name, but when I moved to a better place within the crisis, myself, and my marriage, I considered what my final name would be....I chose HeartsBlessing, because I wanted to be simply that; a blessing to the hearts of others.
I kept this name, because the Lord instructed me to keep it. When He directed me to return over a year ago to start posting again in this area; He'd said that it was a name that was already "known" to others; it was recognizable. I didn't believe Him; as I didn't think it would have been after all those years, but I saw that He was right.
I remember being more surprised than anything to find that what had been written had reached so far, and lasted so long, and it's all still out there, even after all this time. I suspect it'll continue to minister to others for quite some time.
I would always hope that I would remain a "heartsblessing" and a light inspired by the Lord to one and all for many more years to come. :)
The reason I am Justasking was I drove people mad in the early stages as I know the key to both mine and my H journey was in the information I needed to detach and move forward. I drove some older posters mad by coming back time and time again to get my understanding right. OP was particularly patient with me lol ::)
I'd have to say I was startled by all the questions at first, JA, I was struggling with heavy memory loss at that time, but I kept answering as fast as you were throwing them out; I first met you on the other forum under another name not much different than this one, LOL, and we ran into several aspects of interference over there....once we all arrived here last year, the questions continued, and the threads you started with various aspects, have been very helpful over time, too. :)
For what it's worth, you NEVER drove me mad, LOL!! :)
Questions are always good, the only dumb question there is, is the one you didn't ask. :)
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Yep quite often a person asks a question and others come out saying oh yeah I wanted to know that.
So if you've thought it chances are others have too.
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HB, I am glad you understood it was humor that I was using. Quite frankly, it never crossed my mind that you wouldn't. ;) I can and do have a dark, dry sense of humor. I agree with LG that it's either laugh or cry and I would rather laugh.
The humor in many of the posts is what keeps me going and staying with this site. On my darkest days someone always lifts me up. I do feel it was God driven that I found all of you as I can't for the life of me remember exactly how I did. I just googled MLC and got a hit for this and some other sites. I don't remember even starting to look at the forum or what made me post but it has been my life saver.
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Although God sees the couple as "one flesh" there are and should be two separate minds at work, here...and a partnership should result at the end, IF both of you allow this process to do it work on you, and you do the necessary work within yourselves to come through whole, healed, and changed.
HB,
I think this is a wonderful way to look at things. I will take it as inspiration because it has truly inspired me this morning. Thank you!
I am ready to work on myself. I am ready to do the work to become independent of my H. I know I will survive this. I hope that when H leaves he is willing to work hard too, but that is HIS choice. I know I cannot make him do anything and that his journey is his own. Letting go is hard, but I know I must be willing to risk everything in persuit of my own happiness and his. I must be the captian of my own ship and have hope that the currents of the rivers will bring our ships together again.
I love this thread! SP
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SP
I hope that when H leaves he is willing to work hard too
The hard work within the process of MLC is already being done by your H. Part of his running behaviours is part of the process to change and healing. So his journey started before you even knew that there were issues he needed t address.
So he is off the starting point first, which is right initially. But you will catch him up and pass him as you detatch completely and learn your lessons quicker. It is at this point your H look towards you as the Lighthouse with your strength and the changes you have done for yourself.
xx