First of all, get on your journeys, ALL of you; walk it to the best of your ability; this is important for all newbies to take note of. The longer you stay stuck in the MLC'ers drama, the more time that will be wasted before you "get it", and get to work within yourselves.
You can NOT control anyone but YOURSELF, so focus on YOU, not them.
Do NOT try to push the MLC'er into seeing that they are in crisis; they do NOT see this in themselves, as they think everyone but them has a problem; most especially the LBS, and they do NOT need ANY help from you.
You can't help them, anyway; they are unreachable; most especially within the early days.
Don't sent them material on the crisis, or even talk about it to them. And, for what it's worth, stop sharing your lives with them, for one thing they don't care at all, for another; your transparency can be your undoing as they can take something you say, and turn it against you later on.
NO relationship talks, these will do nothing but create more pressure, causing the MLC'er to run farther away from you. These are honestly NOT that important, anyway, as you can talk until you're blue in the face, but if you're unwilling to make the changes, to back up what's said, words don't mean anything at all.
It's the ACTIONS that will always tell the tale, regardless of whether you do any talking or not.
They will come to you when/if they need you and not before...so let them go, and let God handle them.
Be friendly, but distant; PLEASE learn to detach early and distance well away from their drama. Don't take anything they do or say personally. When someone does something to you or anyone else, it has everything to do with them, and NOTHING to do with the person it gets done to.
It is always the issues/perception within that drives one's behavior without..and perception becomes everything during the crisis.
Also remember that no matter what you see on the outside, you do NOT see what's on the inside; and so you never know what's going on in their minds and hearts. Only God knows this for certain.
You CANNOT, and WILL NOT EVER, be able to "mind read" a MLC'er...what you may think they'll do is NOT always what they will do..so drop your expectations down to zero and below...and learn to disengage yourself from them in every way but what's polite to do.
Not everything they say requires or even needs an answer, so don't always jump when they want you to, the only exception is life or death...everything else in between doesn't make and won't make, that much difference to you or them.
What they are "on fire" about one day, won't be the same aspect they will be "on fire" about on the next day or even week.
The best way to stay out of their confusion, is to DETACH from it, and stop trying to analyze their every saying and movement; not ALL of these have "meaning" or significance to or toward you; most of the time, it will only have meaning to them, and contribute to THEIR INDIVIDUAL journey as a whole.
Get through the process of separating your life from the MLC'ers, and KEEP IT SEPARATED; this is a permanent aspect that should remain for LIFE...one of the goals of this journey is to become an individual once again; NOT to return to the damaging aspect of codependency that was present when the crisis hit.
Although God sees the couple as "one flesh" there are and should be two separate minds at work, here...and a partnership should result at the end, IF both of you allow this process to do it work on you, and you do the necessary work within yourselves to come through whole, healed, and changed.
Last thing; ACCEPT this process, EMBRACE it fully.....you can't turn back the hands of time, you can only go forward, and make your lives as good as you can make it.
It's not the trial you face, but the attitude you learn to face it with that counts the most.
I hope this will also help.
Author
Topic: 
A suggestion for Newbies