Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Trustandlove on July 04, 2010, 01:32:19 PM
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Hi,
I thought I'd start this thread for us to put, as the title says, "particularly good insightful bits" on. When I read something someone else writes I'll often copy it and put it in a word file to read when I need; I thought this might help. Does that make sense?
I'll start with one Mermaid wrote:
until they have addressed their deeper issues, AND seen that we have changed, they cannot envisage coming back, because this means going back to the issues which triggered their crisis.
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I can't remember where I read this one:
We need to live our lives as if our MLCer was never coming back.
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"The LBS is the "lighthouse" "light of truth" "strength" "a draw"...and the MLC'er always gravitates back toward them from time to time for touch and go...mostly checking to see IF they are still there....and can get pretty upset when the LBS is NOT where they think they should find them.(this is because it FORCES the MLC'er to move forward within the tunnel, and MOST don't want to)"
HeartsBlessing to Eva.b, July 2010
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From Trusting's thread:
"Some people succeed in spite of hardships. Others succeed because of them. The truth is, our problems help to make us what we are. Those who suffer often learn the value of compassion. Those who struggle often learn perseverance. And those who fall down often teach others how to rise again. Our troubles can shape us in ways a carefree existence cannot." ~ Steve Goodier
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I have spent several chat sessions talking with a former MLC'er on www.midlife.com He is so open about his experience and it truly gives you insight into the mind of MLC.
He is very candid and basically says that nothing really mattered when he was in the worst of it. His MLC lasted 3 years, with the really bad piece being about 18 months.
He is now fully reconnected with his wife and has a wonderful relationship. He says no one could have told him how it would have worked out back then.
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A box full of hollow points and Lord willing a twinkie. Zombieland...
Oh, not what you were looking for? Sorry. ;D
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:P It'll do... :o
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LOL, MH! :)
It is NOT the trial you face, but the ATTITUDE you face it with that matters.
I learned that while within my husband's MLC. :)
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Not sure if this story belongs in this thread or not, but it was insightful to me and I wanted to share it.
Change Your Thinking
It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking..
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..
Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days, weeks and months passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'
Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. 'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'
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Yes, it's a lovely story.
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I think to some extent you should go about your life with no expectations.
Then you can be pleasantly surprised when your expectations are exceeded.
I learnt this years ago, but it's good to be reminded.
When I met my H, I was living in London, where I had family, friends, well paid job with a car (and a car phone, even back in 1984) and every type of entertainment you could think of. I moved to an area of rural Southern Europe where H was working (but he had no family there), miles from anywhere, not even a supermarket or cinema around. I didn't speak the language, understand the culture, have a job, or have any company. My H was working 125 hours a week at that time, so he wasn't around much, and he was exausted when he was home. The nearest village was 6km away, and it took 2 hours to get to the city along the dusty roads. I didn't have any type of phone or a car, or much money. Needless to say, life was very difficult for me. The culture was so strange, so poor, and I was lonely and afraid. But I did adapt. It took a long time, but slowly I learnt the language, began to understand the culture with H's help, and retrained for another job.
Every little thing that happened to improve my situation was wonderful. I'm sure I could not have learnt this anywhere else. At first I appreciated the small things in life. The sun, the sight of oxen pulling ploughs, women singing in the fields, the coffee... Later, bigger changes came; when we got a phone, when I got my own little car, a job, friends, when a supermarket opened, when a gymnasium opened in the village. Everything was a victory for me.
This was because my expectations of life had changed. I learnt back then that happiness doesn't come from the outside, but from within ourselves. Of course, I could count on the undying love of H. Anything extra was wonderful. Life has come full circle. I have a great job, a good life style, plenty of friends, 2 beautiful Ds. I can't count on H's undying love any more, but then I'm responsible for my own happiness, and anything else that comes will be wonderful.
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Mermaid, that was a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it. If I had half of that insight, I would be in pretty good shape.
xoxoxo
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Very beautiful story Mermaid. Are you ESL? I didn't realize.
Thanks for sharing.
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Wondeful thread!!! Thanks for starting it T&L
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Thank you for reading.
T&H, I'm TEFL, not ESL.
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yes, wonderful thread, T&L. and great stories n insights!! just what we all need sometimes! :D
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quote from OP on 24 July 2010:
He is processing when he drops out of view.
That is part of the depression,
You feel like it is your fault because you are not detached enough.
Keep working on that.
It is not something that comes easily.
It is NOT your fault it is all within him,
He needs to sort things out.
The spewing and yelling is so that the depressed person can gather some energy.
It is their way to come out of their shell, they think that it is helping them but it is not.
Detaching takes the focus off of you.
It takes away some of their ability to project their depression onto you.
If they don't get that energy or fuel then they are more likely to look within to find out why they are withing pain.
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Whenever I get down or discouraged I go back over the last couple of months and recall/write all the positive things that have happened, the things that individually give me hope. When considered all together they can turn a "down" day right around into a "good" day.
This is excellent, MHL. It is also what CBT therapists recommend -- writing down 3 things that went well every day, and why they went well. It can really turn around your thinking.
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Mermaid,
The village you described above reminds me of a village I was born and grew up then left to go to school, promissing that one day I will come back. And now I think more often I would really like to go back to the village again and stay there and appreciate life as is and not all this destructive life we are living here in the supposedly "sophisticated" and "advanced" culture.
Who are we kidding. Are you still there or you moved back to England? I lived in England for a while and now since this is my third country I think England is very mysterious and very prim and proper and very cultured. Yes, I do miss England as well.
Thanks for sharing this interesting story. It may even bring tears to my eyes.
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I can't remember where I read this one:
We need to live our lives as if our MLCer was never coming back.
Wow,this one is a hard one...I mean I stand because that's what the Lord has called me to do...at times I don't want to & it's a constant battle to not give up...so how do you detach like that without losing hope and not moving on with someone else when your called to stand...not sure if I express myself good enough or not...I guess I think why am I standing if he's never coming back...kinda pointless...any insight or help to do this without giving up would be great.
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redeemed44,
Good point. How can you stand as if spouse is never coming back. You are right, are you supposed to live your life as if there is no tomorrow. What is the point of standing then?
This also reminds me of the prodigal son. His father saw him far in the distance. Was it coincidence that the father just happen to be looking that way or was he expecting him anyway?
I know that the father had to go about his everyday business but he never gave up looking for his son's return. So it is with us, we have to attend to daily lives but nonetheless never, ever give up the expectations. At least that is how I understand standing.
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Nice reply agape.
I would only change your use of the word 'expectations' to hope.
Expectations set you up for disappointment and discouragement among other bad things. Don't have any!
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Living your life as if he is never coming back.....Allow me to explain!
If your husband died, you would feel his loss as you STILL love him, but you would have no choice but to go on and live your life. How would that look?
You would get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. You would maintain your friendships, get your kids to school, etc. You might look for ways to fill the empty spaces that used to be filled up with couple time. You might join a book club, volunteer at the food pantry, or take up a hobby you haven't had time for lately. You might decide you could travel with a girlfriend to a place your husband never wanted to go, so you didn't. You might go back to school or change jobs or careers. You might begin counseling. You might join a grief support group. You might start exercising and taking care of yourself better. You might paint the kitchen, rearrange the closet, get a new wardrobe, learn to speak Italian...
You probably wouldn't date. You'd probably wear your rings. People would probably wish you would "get over it". People would probably be uncomfortable with your grief. People would probably feel sorry for you. But you'd be living YOUR life and learning a lot about what you could endure. And you wouldn't be waiting for him to come back so that you could do it.
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Inspiring LG!
I like the picture you paint. Except there's no casseroles....or life insurance.... :o
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I like the picture you paint. Except there's no casseroles....or life insurance.... :o
Dangit! :( I love casseroles!
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Agape,
Yes, I still live in this village in Southern Europe, though now I've moved to the centre (I was 6 km outside) and it's grown and been upgraded to a town, and has several gyms and supermarkets.
It's still very traditional in its mentality, although times have changed some things. A few years ago, no one locked their doors or their cars. Everyone double parked, and left their keys in the ignition incase someone needed to move it!! Now the wild world has changed all that; drug abuse, theft and violence have increased, so now everyone locks everything!
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Thank you all for the input...I gues that is what I have ben tryin to do...I just hope as time goes on it will get easier...The hardest part I find is findin joy in things...I mean I am doin all the same things I was b4, but I can't seem 2 become content,it seems like it's all just harder 2bear alone...will that go away,& will I actually start 2feel like I'm accomplishin somethin???Especially when U have kids who need U & U just feel like U have failed them & because it's like a whirlwind every day from the things ur MLC throws @ U that U always seem like ur just tryin 2 pull urself 2gether, & feel U r no help 4them except keepin roof over their head & providin 4them...knowin they need U but U r not even there 4urself & have no clue how 2b strong 4them...help with this...4sure prayers needed here...I feel so weak compared 2U all
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We end up confonting ourselves and we don't like what we see.
Yes there are parts of all of us that need to change or modify in order for us to grow.
My concern is that it can become yet another stick to beat ourselves up with, it's a tendency of mine to do that.
We start off recognising the need to change some parts, but the danger is it could spread until it becomes every part.
We can get stuck in introspection. Another danger is that we aren't going through this exercise for ourselves, but still for our H's and that is not going to help in the long run.
That was behind a lot of my earlier "insights" and "changes", still is to some extent. Told myself they were about me and self development, they weren't really. Always in the back of my mind even if I didn't like to admit it to myself, it was "H will really like this change, he's sure to see it and want to come back" Turns out the insights were genuine but my motives were not about sustaining self growth but getting him back.
I think it's probably all part of the process before true detachment.
Self analysis can't work if you feel bad about yourself to start with, we can't be impartial and fair to ourselves and we should be.
We are imperfect..thank heavens for that, we are not LBS machines, constantly programmed on a spin cycle. We're always quick to be kind to each other when we post on here and we've messed up or wish we'd done things differently, but we aren't as kind to ourselves.
There are some things about us we can't change, and maybe we shouldn't try to. We can try to understand where they came from and learn how to integrate them better and temper them if need be, but respect them too.
Quote from a song here
" I'd like you to meet yourself, hope you both get along"
Perhaps sometimes we can call a truce with ourselves, enjoy who we are, faults and all, and let it have nothing, absolutely nothing to do with our H's, just for us and our deserved peace of mind.
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http://www.counselingonlinesite.com/2010/07/is-divorce-the-right-choice-for-you/
Highlights from this article include:
"We all carry our own idealistic pictures of a perfect relationship with us — notions that can be sorely tested by reality. When you fall in love with the right person, it’s natural to anticipate never-ending joy. And perhaps there will be a lot of fun, excitement, and intimacy in your married life. But love means more than this. It also means accepting both the best and worst in your spouse. It means supporting and encouraging each other through the bad times as well as the good. Far from the traditional fairy-tale notion of “happily ever after,” successful marriages involve working through and surviving problems, setbacks, and conflicts to become stronger."
"According to Dr. Gray, it’s a matter of distinguishing between whether your conflict is temporary or symptomatic of permanent distance between you. “Disagreements — even those that are bitter — and falling out of love are two different things,” he points out. “Just as people grow close, they can grow apart. This process is distinct from two people going through a difficult period in their relationship. For the committed couple that is going through difficult times, there is a willingness on the part of one, and eventually both, to seek common ground. For those marriages where one or both has fallen out of love, the only thought is to head for the exit and not to search for points of reconciliation.”
Making Marriage Work
Positive signs
You might be able to save your marriage if:
* at least one of you is willing to seek help in some way: marriage counseling, relationship workshops, books on how to re-ignite passion
* you both recognize that disagreements are a normal part of any marriage
* you’re open to learning how to communicate openly and honestly — without accusing or blaming each other, or “hitting below the belt”
* you’re willing to accept responsibility and apologize for the damage you’ve done to your spouse and to your marriage
* you’re willing and able to devote time and effort to improving your relationship
* you both believe the marriage is worth trying to save.
Negative signs
Divorce might be the best choice for you if:
* there’s a pattern of abuse, drug addiction, or repeated infidelity
* neither of you is willing to change or adapt to present circumstances
* neither of you is able to forgive past wrongs or make amends
* you’re committed to seeing yourself as 100% innocent and your spouse as 100% guilty regarding the problems in your relationship
* one of you has declared a new sexual orientation
* you believe the marriage isn’t worth trying to save.
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Great link, OP. Thanks for that!
I've been reading "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying". I wasn't expecting to find anything relevant to us LBS, but it has been leaping out at me.
"So often it is only when people suddenly feel they are losing their partner that they realize how much they love them. Then they cling on even tighter. But the more they grasp, the more the other person escapes them, and the more fragile the relationship becomes.
So often we want happiness, but the very way we pursue it is so clumsy and unskillful that it brings only more sorrow. Usually we assume we must grasp in order to have that something that will ensure our happiness. We ask ourselves: “How can we possibly enjoy anything if we cannot own it?” How often attachment is mistaken for love!
Even when the relationship is a good one, love can be spoiled by attachment with its insecurity, possessiveness, and pride; and then when love is gone, all you have left to show for it are the “souvenirs” of love, the scars of attachment."
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Mermaid wrote this to stillhere today.... i thought it was an excellent line:
Once, when I had again caught my H out in a huge lie (and was fuming about it), I came to the conclusion with my therapist that it would be counterproductive to get mad and blow his cover. Instead, I ended up saying, "I'm sure you had a good reason not to tell me the truth." Amazingly, it started H talking about what was really on his mind (the need to escape without explanations to anyone).
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We are doomed to continue to repeat our failures until we are able to 180 and successfuly navigate life.
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Everyone trains in their detachment process in the first part of this crisis because at the end it is severely tested.
The MLC'er tests the reconnection process with animals, children, and finally you because they must learn how to do it too.
It is training and then testing just like in school.
OP's statement above, restructured my thinking about detachment, and brought together many concepts of it with my experiences. Thanks OP for flipping that switch! (lightbulb, that is)
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"I'm sure you had a good reason not to tell me the truth."
Beautiful and safe statement. Wish we used more statements like that when we talk to our spouses instead we are copying them, which is none but a guilt ridden replies or attacks.
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This was from a post by LG, I thought it summed up some excellent advice.
He said he had been trying to tell me how he felt, but I seem to be in denial and that I don't believe his feelings. I told him that I believe his feelings are real, but I also believe he is going through something and he may not feel the same when he comes out of it. I told him that I was not giving up because I believed that somewhere inside him was a man with integrity and morals who wants to do the right thing and work on our marriage.
When you told him you believe his feelings are real, but you also believe he is going through something, etc. etc.... you really are DENYING HIS feelings. He told you how HE felt. You don't have to agree, and he is most likely wrong under the circumstances, but he is correct... YOU DON'T REALLY BELIEVE or respect his feelings.
I did this same thing for the longest time.... sounded exactly like you, and you know, I was right every time! However, it reinforced to my husband that he couldn't talk to me, didn't have a say as it would be argued against by me or that I would always have to have an opinion on how "it's not really true." LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES... your husband will NOT feel "safe" with you until you shut your mouth and keep your opinions to yourself. You have NOTHING to gain by being "smarter" than him currently as he is not bonded with you the way he used to be. He is trying to get away from you, so you need to attract him. Let him have his say and do all of the talking. You will be doing yourself a huge favor if you do...
My husband has heard me talk, heard my opinions, and heard me "know it all" for 16 years. It is HIS turn to talk. Even if it is crazy talk! LOL!! Listening is a gift to the other person, and a real skill, by the way!
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I have been on another site and thye referred me to this link from divorce busting. It is called the 180. You may not be able to do everything on this list, but read it and realize that many of the items that have been said to you are on this list:
Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)
So here's the list:
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
1. No frequent phone calls.
2. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
3. Don't follow her/him around the house.
4. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
5. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
6. Don't ask for reassurances.
7. Don't buy or give gifts.
8. Don't schedule dates together.
9. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
10. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
11. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
12. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
13. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
14. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
15.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
16.All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
17.Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
18.Don't be overly enthusiastic.
19.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
20.Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
21.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
22.Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)
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Q: Why do I feel like this is my fault? Or is it my fault? Submitted by hit-by-a-train
A: You have been terribly wounded, and you’re searching for some kind of meaning to it all. Everyone does it. "If I had only taken my normal route home instead of trying out this new shortcut…..I wouldn’t have even BEEN here to have this awful auto accident!" is one example of this type of thinking. We cannot wrap our mind around the idea that bad things happen to good people. So we try to figure out where we went wrong and caused this crushing betrayal of our trust. And the comforting part of the idea that "this is my own fault" is that if we caused it, then all we have to do to protect ourselves in the future is to figure out what we did wrong and avoid doing it anymore!
The idea that this is your own fault is false. On SI, we call this kind of idea: "trying to own someone else’s $hit". You did not cause the affair – the affair is your wandering spouse’s $hit. You may be responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you are responsible for 0% of the affair! Your wandering spouse owns 50% of the marriage problems and 100% of the fault for the affair. Your spouse had many other choices about how to deal with marital problems; up to and including the "I want a divorce" speech. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
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I found this thread that T&L started a while back. Shantilly's post needs to go here today, with my emphasis;
Remaining calm has been my biggest 180.
In the past I would become quite aggravated, get in your face and made sure you knew my stance.
I have learned that it can be done without the fuss. I remove myself. Simple and effective. I don't like it I walk away.
I finally let go. I can't control him, I can influence him though.
If I remain calm he remains calm. If I am comfortable with myself he is more Comfortable. I treat him with respect not kid gloves. I try not to walk on egg shells around him. I always approach as if he is going to treat me well and most of the time it works.
I don't belabour him with my problems he can't cope with it. What I have found instead is great support real life and online and I use them.
I don't care about ow. I really don't. I get upset that it happened but I don't care about her. I don't hold anger against her she's not worth it. In fact as I watch this play out I know Dearheart was her affair down because I am sure she is in MLC too.
I don't like it. I sometimes enjoy the idea of her discomfort but in the end I want her to have a full and happy life without my H. Because I don't want her ever looking back to my H as her dream guy.
I remain calm because I choose to. It is my choice to do this so I MUST take responsibility for my emotions. I feel them. I don't hide them away or jump them down and indealing with them they lose their power and I am more easily able to deal with things thatcome up. I feel, I deal I let them go.
I choose this. I can remove myself if I want.
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Someone today also said that she treats her H as if he is going to treat her well. That attitude is a biggy.
Sorry, can't find who said it-
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I just noticed this again; thanks, OP, for bumping it up.
I also saw what I had written on Oct 28, 2010, and can't believe that I wrote that -- did I? It doesn't soundl like me.... Or did I post something from LG?
At any rate, I've been re-reading to try to gain more insight; I have so much experience now, do so much better....
I guess the thing that I'm trying to remember right now is:
FOCUS ON YOUR OWN "PERFORMANCE", NOT ON YOUR MLC-ER.
That means making sure I don't get defensive, and not worry about how he takes whatever I say. Remain calm, remain still. No agressive, ego-driven actions.
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Those who know others are intelligent; those who know themselves are truly wise . Those who master others are strong; those who master themselves have true power. -Lao-Tzu
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I thought this was so good that I dug up this old thread for it:
Quote from Hope Floats:
"Letting go isn’t about not loving him/her. It is about loving him/her enough without her having to reciprocate."
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Also another HF gem:
"To smile through the pain"
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And one more which I liked -- which certainly seemed appropriate:
There is no way you can learn to deal with someone in your H's state, you can only learn to deal with yourself
I liked this because we spend so much time worrying about learning to "deal" with them, we get upset when we 'get it wrong', all that. To remember that it's out of our control is good at those times.
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I just read this, and thought it really deserved to be preserved:
The demon of the mlcer is the pursuit of/entitlement to, happiness.
The demon of the lbs is doubt that it is mlc.
Thank you to whoever originally posted it -- I lifted it from calamityj's thread....