Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: missybuddha on December 30, 2011, 05:05:22 AM
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I have been form filling for a new job today and they want my next of kin. Legally it is my h but I ran this by my sister (a consultant in ITU) and she said would my h be acting in MY best interests at the moment re medical treatment etc? well, no. and it got me thinking......
What have you done in these circumstances?
And have you changed your will at all?
thx, missyb.
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My H is still my next of kin at the moment although I am considering chging my next of kin on my pension plans. But his mobile is still on the forms at work so maybe I need to change those as well and make my D23 first contact.
It is something I have not considered and maybe I should. I know that should any major decisions be made my grown up children will be part of that.
Maybe more thinking on my part needed.
xx
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....Well, we are separated not legally but it was my sister who pointed out that should I need someone to advise in the case of a medical emergency would I want my h to make decisions? really? I would want him to informed as we have children; I shall probably make her my next of kin for now. Feels like a big step.
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I consulted my attorney about this early in the process and he was the one who advocated a quick divorce for my financial protection. He said that in his opinion, cases like ours get worse before they get better and there is a certain period where they are still in enough shock that they are likely to be docile and willing to give more.
He also said there is no telling how strong or influential the OW will become or how financially irresponsible he might get. I know that flies in the face of everything here but I think it was good advice. We don't own much, but I do think I got a better settlement than I would have if I had waited until she was more firmly entrenched.
Plus, he said there is no sense in creating a new will until after the divorce. There is a legal construct called an elective share--a legal spouse is entitled to their elective share of a deceased partner's estate no matter what is in the will. It's 1/3 in most states. So, he said, if something were to happen to me in the "process" all my estate would transfer to him and upon their marriage she would have rights to half of it. That was enough to convince me that I did need to take care of the legal divorce and worry about "standing" or any kind of emotional divorce later, once I knew my kids would be taken care of in the event of my demise...
It does all suck, but standing and covenants aside, everyone should protect themselves and their kids first.
I did change my medical directives and POA immediately, but really, I was less worried about that--no matter what has happened to him, he would make good medical choices for me--I believe that, but financially, it's a much bigger crapshoot... But that's just MHO...
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I actually never thought of changing unless we divorce. Even when in the worst of Replay my H was concerned for my health. I had a mammogram scare and he called my mother (a nurse) to ask questions. I also believe, he would act on my wishes in situation on whether to pull the plug say in a brain dead situation. My mother would have me on life support forever, visiting everyday in a nursing home if she had her way...not my wishes. But my H was never been the monster that I have read about on here. He has never cut me off financially in anyway. Strangely, if we divorce, since he is retired, I would get his pension and social security whether we divorce or not. He can not change them since he is already retired. He would probably get some of my pension but I can still change my beneficiary's since I'm still working. It does remind me that I really don't have a will and should make one out.
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Oh so, so interesting....I've only just posted on Voyager's re the finance sitch as it is something in the forefront of my mind.
Although at present h is the emergency, next of kin etc the reality is - should he be? if I was coming from my empathic, emotional place, I'd make every reason to leave it as it is. However, as much as I don't want to look at it, h is in another R and I don't want my child or my 'family' destroyed financially because of it. I'm researching what I need to change in order for self preservation. I'd prefer not to but alas....
Sil x
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We have been separated since Labor Day - he left the house and moved into his mother's house (she's in assisted living). I hadn't thought of changing anything - should I? I don't even know what I want at this point...I've tried to get my H to go to counseling to talk about why he left, what's going on, etc...He goes back and forth about what he wants, needs, etc. He said leaving was so he could get space, to reevaluate the situation, but now I've been reading and rereading posts that advocate doing things that financially protect me and my boys, even if there is a chance of getting back together. I have to believe there is and the "fling" he's had and him moving out is just a phase. I don't know what to do. And where to begin...
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I left my H as next of kin for everything but dropped life insurance; no way would I want my death funding his Replay madness.
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I have one of my adult sons as next of kin. My H is and was totally unreliable!.
In an emergency no one would get hold of him as he has his phone off in the day while he sleeps and at night( all night) he is in clubs and cant hear the phone
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I have changed next of kin and also beneficiary to daughter on certain financial pieces even though we are not yet even legally separated. My daughter needs to be covered and taken care of if something were to happen to me. I do not want H and OW financially benefiting from my demise, or OW being tempted to make sure I have an "accident" since I am an inconvenience in her fantasy. Also, keep in mind that in many states, having a spouse listed to act on your behalf in medical and legal matters is null and void if you are divorced or there is evidence of separation.
It was recommended to me that next of kin, power of attorney, living will info., etc. be updated and that the name of someone I feel is entirely trustworthy to act in my objective and true best interest (with no associated drama or potential ulterior motive) be designated for the duration of the MLC process to its conclusion. Frankly, that sounds the wisest and most reasonable decision. This is not about loving an MLC spouse or indicative of ones commitment to them or to standing. This is about making the best decisions for ourselves and our children in difficult times.
Phoenix
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I have no next of kin. No family, no children. We are not divorced yet but he filed end of June. I have been delaying making a will because I need to come up with charities (likely animal oriented) to give the money to. I am also concerned regarding him making decisions for me if I get sick because at this point, I fear he'd be eager to pull the plug prematurely.
I signed up for a tour of a fitness center and they wanted me to fill out a form with "in case of emergency, contact...." on it and I couldn't write his name down. I don't think he'd be there for me.
IDK what to do but I don't want him getting any money from my death to benefit his creepy lover.
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Gutted,
There are options such as "living wills" and "do not resuscitate" orders. There is no reason that, should you be incapacitated and unable to communicate, your wishes cannot be known. I would look into those.
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Phoenix
"It was recommended to me that next of kin, power of attorney, living will info., etc. be updated and that the name of someone I feel is entirely trustworthy to act in my objective and true best interest (with no associated drama or potential ulterior motive) be designated for the duration of the MLC process to its conclusion. Frankly, that sounds the wisest and most reasonable decision. This is not about loving an MLC spouse or indicative of ones commitment to them or to standing. This is about making the best decisions for ourselves and our children in difficult times."
yes this is my view, it feels quite a step of detachment and "reality" right now but my medic sister said it's awful SHOuld ever there be an issue over the next of kin. It is just for now not permanent.
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Gutted, my best friend is my POA and executor of my estate. Frankly I don't even trust my family to do what I want--my crazy mother would keep me on life support in her living room forever! That was my biggest fear, that something would happen to me in the interim and I'd be a Terry Schiavo... These things are really important. It is rare that something would happen, but do you want to take that chance? Plus, we tend to just put things off and not do them, and now is a good time to get your estate in order.
It's a new year, time to clean house, legal, financial, emotional, everything! I have one more thing to take care of before I will be totally and completely independent. I will never say I feel good about the divorce, but I do feel good that I am standing on my own two feet with the knowledge that if any man ever comes into my life again, be it the ex, or a new man, it will only because it enhances my life, not because I need them, or feel obligated. I really do feel like I was given the gift of me and I like it! Love and light and a happy new year!
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My H is still my legal next of Kin, but mostly because of the kids and the fact we are still married. He is my emergency contact, because if something happens to me, the kids will need to have their Dad step in and take care of them. I'm confident he would. He's in my will because I couldn't get a notary for my new will which knocked him out and then I forgot about it. But when I begin my new job, my children will be the beneficiaries on whatever benefits they offer me, not H. Reconnection is simply that, a connection. Connections can be dropped. Until we are truly working on rebuilding, he is not going to benefit from our marital (only) status. Even then, the foundation will have to be fully set before I reconsider bringing him back into my financial fold, so to speak.
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It's a new year, time to clean house, legal, financial, emotional, everything! I have one more thing to take care of before I will be totally and completely independent. I will never say I feel good about the divorce, but I do feel good that I am standing on my own two feet with the knowledge that if any man ever comes into my life again, be it the ex, or a new man, it will only because it enhances my life, not because I need them, or feel obligated. I really do feel like I was given the gift of me and I like it! Love and light and a happy new year!
What a fantastic attitude Lisa, I applaud you! I hope to follow your example and do some spring cleaning of my own.
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I am Dearhearts next of Kin and he mine.
If it weren't for the children I may have changed it but if something happens to me he will be in charge of it all anyway.
I will not have my family do this as they can not be trusted.
Everyting goes to the girls in event of my death but then again Dearheart is the same. I have no mfamily close by anyway. I know his wishes, the girls do too, and they all know mine. There may have been stages where I did't trust him but now he has reconnected to the girls well, he would keep ther interests in hand.
Dearheart unlike others here wanted to keep everyting spearate from ow. Even at the beginning he refused to go in with loans with her that she kept throwing at him, even buying a house he spat out in a fight that he would own is next house ow wouldn't even get a look in.
So it remains the same.