Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Synicca on January 10, 2012, 08:46:17 AM
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I know sex with the MLCer and sex outside have been discussed all over the place here....but what I want to know, is has/did your MLCer say they no longer were attracted to you sexually??
If so...How did they phrase it?
My H says he isnt attracted to me sexually....now on many levels I believe its because he is detached from ALL emotions and feelings for me that sex with me isnt on the top of his list...even though we have had sex MANY times since BD and without issues...he believes because he had "issues" keeping it up the last 2 times WE tried...he thinks its because he isnt attracted to me anymore...I know differently...but it still bugs me none the less.
so some insight into this would be good, I think.
(hugs)
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Yes, my H told me that on and off for almost three years. (Before I knew that he was in MLC). Yes we have had sex since then and did for all but three months this year. He told me outright. First time it was about weight, then I lost it. Then its we are like roommates, sister/brother, etc.
Its all a part of the script. It is there way of projecting on us. It still bugs me and we are trying to reconnect. When they spew their vile lies, they stamp us with negativity and try as we might, we tend to take ownership and believe some of their crap.
It's crap, it's not about you, it's all about them. That's my story and I am sticking to it. (((HUGS))))
Sassy
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Oops...have to modify...
Oh yes indeed he did...and I will NEVER forget it. Actually, he said it three, four, five...can't even remember how many times even though I shouldn't forget what it was like getting kicked in the stomach...so to speak!
Um, let me think. First time was the day after I discovered his EA...which I condsider a two day long bomb drop because I discovered the EA, then the next day, after pummeling him with questions, received my bomb drop. Here's what I remember...there were more times I'm sure though...
So, one of those questions post BD was: "Are you sexually attracted to me?"
Answer "No, I was not sexually attracted to you when you were overweight".
Me: "But I'm not overweight now. So are you sexually attracted to me now?"
He: "No".
Me: "Why?"
He: "I don't know. I'm just not".
Me: Ok, so before the weight was the problem. I'm thin now. Your EA OW is way overweight...more than i ever was. Are you attracted to her?"
He: As a friend, yes.
Me: No, that's not what I meant. Are you attracted to her or not?
He: As a friend, yes.
End of convo which leaves Bon completely befuddled.
Aprox. one year later....
Me: "Are you at all sexually attracted to me now"
He: "No"
Me: "So, you think I'm unattractive?"
He: "No. I think you are attractive. But I'm not sexually attracted to you".
Me: "Why? I thought men were attracted to anything that walks. If you don't think I'm hideous,
why would you not be attracted to me? I am your wife after all"
He: "I don't know. I'm just not."
A few months later....
Me: "So, can we talk about this SA thing?"
He: "What."
Me: "Were you ever attracted to me?"
He: "Yes"
Me: "Did that wane when we got married? Do you think of me as a wife...but not a sexual person?"
He: "I think so. Probably, yes."
Me: "Honey, you have a virgin/ow issue.
He: "NO I DON'T"
Me: "Yeah, you do"
He: "I don't know. Maybe"
A few months later while in a huge fight....
Me: "So what about this sexual attraction thing...Are you finding me sexually attractive again?"
He: "Absolutely NOT. Not at all. NO."
That was probably about August, September of 2010...
Now, he says he is...do I believe it? No...I don't really think so...I think he's still too mixed up to make that leap. It's better than it was though.
Hope that helps Syn....
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Mine never told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me. I think he was thinking I wasn't sexually attracted to him......... ::)
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Mine looks at my butt like' what a waste..too bad..what might've been' :o :o Still haven't told him about the cute DEA Agent who comes sniffing around with NO WEDDING RING. ::) I could see how that might 'rattle his cage' a bit! The guy looks like Benjamin Bratt ;D
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Benjamin Bratt? Um...hello and YES!!! ;)
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I know WP and I still only have eyes for Mr.Sabotage Sam....go figure ::) He must've been a GREAT H all those years for me to be figuring this out like a Rubicks Cube. :P
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Yeah MB, I was just thinking he has NO idea of how lucky he is!
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Mine said from BD that he didn't feel that way about me anymore, even though he stated that I was very attractive. It never stopped our sexual life which at times even increased and was good. But he would actually act like he was surprised afterwards like where did that come from. ::) after we would ML. Interestingly xOW was much less attractive and masqueline, zero sex appeal but we all hear it's not about the sex with them. Now through reconnection, he doesn't say anything about not being attracted to me but also doesn't say that he is. Sex has been less often, not sure because of him feeling guilt, confused, depression...I don't know. I don't pursue..unless I've had a few drinks ;D and he's always been receptive.
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The I Love You But I'm Not In-Love With You phrase can take several forms. I never got ILYBINILWY, I got forms of him not being attracted. It was probably a year or two before I realized it was the same thing with different words. Especially since I lost my weight before he even moved out and he couldn't stop staring...and when we went to the gym and other guys stared he was like a peacock.
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RC, boy does that sound familiar.
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wow...Guess its not just ME....LOL
After I had lost my BD weight...Honey would stare at my ass...said I had my TEENage ass back...LOVED IT!! LoL!
But then shortly after...he said I lost TO much, that I FELT different in his arms...argh!
He has essentially forgotten the MANY times we ML'd and we had a GOOD response...:)
But because he couldn't hold an erection during intercourse the last 2 times, it MUST be because the attraction isn't there anymore...I know he is just LOST in MLC land...but when he said he has NEVER had issues with OW.. >:( >:( which is a lie...since he told me a LONG time ago they did...but then said HOW can I do it 3 or 4 times a night with OW and cant with you?? >:( >:( I tell ya! It does a number on your self esteem! argh!
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After BD, h said that we wouldn't have sex because he didn't want to send me mixed signals. Well, it's been 10 months and he hasn't made a move. Actually told me on Christmas Day that he couldn't take a shower in frono of me anymore because he felts uncomfortable.
26 years and theres not a part of his body I haven't seen or touched and NOW, he can't take a shower in front of me. CAN ANYONE SAY CONFUSED?
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Confused....after honey moved back home, he couldnt take a shower in front of me either...wouldnt take off his clothes to save his life...LOL! It is amazing when you have seen every part of their body for so long and then they cant.
He didnt want to send me mixed signals either...even though we had sex.. :o :o :o Talk about confused!!!
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Syn,
At this point (10 months) I'd take anything I could get. It wouldn't be mixed signals, I know how f*@cked up he is. :). Funny thing though before I knew about MLC and that he was probably going through it for awhile. He couldn't, well lets say stand at attention very long and I thought that it was me, now I know it's him. At least I feel better about that. But, let me tell you, if we ever get to the point of having sex again the EMT's are going to have to be on standby!!!!!!!!!!!
Me
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Well, my H never said it, but I know that his feelings for me (in a sexual sense) changed after I had my first baby. Before he initiated all the time, wanted sex a couple times a week. After the baby (even after my hormones evened out, I healed and lost the baby weight) he absolutely stopped initiating, he seemed happy enough to have sex when I initiated, but he did not lust after me anymore (we had been together for 10 years before we had the first, so I know it was not just because our relationship was getting older - it was reasonably old already, lol).
After no.2 we were having sex MAYBE once a month, always at my initiation, I tried to talk to him about it with some sensitivity, but he was extremely reluctant to discuss it - would get very agitated, which I now think is because it was touching a nerve - this whole Madonna/ow thing that I have mentioned before - exacerbated by crisis (tbh, it was very unsatisfying for me, and it was hurtful that he did not appear to see me that way, especially as women do feel strange in their own bodies for a while after pregnancy and childbirth, it would have been nice to feel a little validated after creating human life in it, lol!). Even after BD he told me I was an attractive woman, but for whatever reasons the feelings weren't there and he absolutely did not want to address them (probably knew that the prob was really in him).
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HOW can I do it 3 or 4 times a night with OW and cant with you??
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????!!!!!!!!!!!Good LORD!!!!!!! If exh had ever said this to me I think I would have HAD to have shot him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:( >:( >:( >:(
It was hard enough to hear ExH say the sex was incredible which WAS NOT TRUE and he said so himself. He said it because he was mad at me.
But this statement by your H is soooo not true it's not even funny. It's anger and spite.
F*cking Idiots >:(
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after honey moved back home, he couldnt take a shower in front of me either...wouldnt take off his clothes to save his life
After I moved back in I couldn't get him to keep his clothes ON!!! He's always been like that but had no modesty about himself WHATSOEVER. This was way before he said he loved me or anything!!!
BUT
No sex. ::) :o
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. But, let me tell you, if we ever get to the point of having sex again the EMT's are going to have to be on standby!!!!!!!!!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel the same way; but I'm going to have the fire dept stand by.
We're gonna burn this MoFo house DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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People, I could write a book about this topic - oh wait, I did. It was my first post.
Nonetheless, this issue has just destroyed my self esteem. Its the one thing that makes me feel my stand is hopeless.
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L&S
I hear you about the self esteem part!!
This skank was a PROSTITUTE he was with. Now how the he!! am I gonna compepte with that?
Am I going to feel like some sex goddess compared to her?I doubt it.
I haven't felt sexually desired by him for so long even when things were halfway decent because he's so non-expressive.
I don't know how long you have been standing but I thought my stand was hopeless too. Not that things are great even now that we're reconnecting and living together as a divorced couple. ::) But there is a glimmer of hope
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Lets see, on my BD phone call H said, "And the sex thing, it ain't there!!!" That really hurt. At that time I didn't know about OW but when I did see a picture of her 2 months later, I felt really insulted by who he is with. There is no comparison what so ever with us.
It just made me realize how lost my H really is.
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Mine h definitely suffers from Madonna/ow syndrome. His therapist even said it to him. My h said that I was too good to touch. That he couldn't use me that way. It happened really after baby #2. Let's face it these guys have so many issues its exhausting! We had a discussion over a year ago about it and I told him that I finally understood it was him and not me and that I couldn't believe he always tried to blame me. I told him that he would never break me. Having children really changed things in our marriage. We had been together nine years before we had kids and i think he really didn't want to share. He told me at BD that "I stopped loving him after the kids came". That I never rubbed his head anymore! I think most of mlc men have major sexual issues and have for years. Mine was always into very, let's say, adventerous sex. We did it everywhere. In the last few years though sex became a real chore for me. It wasn't loving at all. It always had to involve alot of talking by me and calling different names and that kind of thing. And it would go on for a long time. I realize that he was having ed issues even way back. Keep in mind that I would I to do all this after i put the kids to bed after taking care of everything all day. I guess I lost interest but who could blame me...I guess h did! :-) I would just like to add that I am a long distance runner and triathlete so I did gain weight with babies but I was never that fat. The Madonna ow thing is a tough one for sure...
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Stillhopeful -
I believe my H was looking at porn when he was out of town during the week at his apt.. H was also having ED problems for about
1 1/2 years before BD. Now I'm thinking it was because of the porn. :o I've learned a lot about it and it will ruin a marriage.
I have talked to my Therapist about this and I told him what H said on BD so my question to him was, how come he can do it with OW and not me? He told me because I was "to good" to do the type of sex these men who look at porn want to do. He said H would never ask me to do that type of thing and then he said OW will. You can tell just my looking at her in her pictures she will do whatever your H desires. He wanted a ow and he got one. I feel sick! :-[ :P
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Mine had an ED episode right before BD. Had been cutting down on ML to only once a month or so. At BD when he said ILYBINILWY implied that he wasnt attracted any more. So yes I think it is common, although not universal. Don't feel bad, it is all in their head.
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OK ladies,
I honestly don't think that you have to compete with ows, remember they get paid by the service they perform, and as wives we cover all the bases. So, they aren't even in your ball park (pardon the pun)! 8)
Me
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Let's face it these guys have so many issues its exhausting!
That just about says it all!!!
After BD my H said many times 'you're so beautiful, this is not what this is about' All the while looking extremely confused.
Said twice at MC a couple of months later, when asked about our sex life. The sex? Shrug - well it's just sex ..........
I was so hurt, but now realise it's all part of the script :-\
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My H has had a porn addiction since before we were married, though I did not find out about it until after. He has had ED issues for much of our marriage, too, and has blamed this on his lack of attraction for me. Yet, when he moved out, he told me that he will probably never find another woman as attractive as me. :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
The porn has absolutely been a major cause of his ED problem. And, yes, a porn addiction can absolutely erode trust. Not to mention also ruining the LBSer's self-esteem, too. I know now that this inability to perform was absolutely HIS issue not mine and that blaming his lack of attraction for me as a reason for his poor performance is projection. I agree that it seems that most MLC men have major sexual issues and have had them for some time.
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ANd let us not forget ladies...THEY LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. And they LIE to themselves.
Reminds me of what Judge Judy says " The only time a teenager isn't lying is when thier they are asleep.... because their mouth isn't moving" And MLCERs are teenagers.
And I think the "too good to touch" thing is right on the money also.
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I'm thinking only a topic about sex could get this many replies this quickly. Thx Syn.
Until we had kids H and I had a great sex life. During my second pregnancy with S4 I had pelvic instability and never really recovered. I had constant pain in my pelvis and lower back and any movement (ie. Sex) exacerbated the problem. I tried many treatments without luck and unfortunately put on too much weight making it worse. (months ago i was finally diagnosed with severe arthritis and started treatment (anti-inflamatory medication). For the first time in years I was pain free and our sex life improved dramatically (ok blushing now). I actually think it was the best it had ever been (ok really blushing now). I actually think this really confused him because he wanted it to be about attraction and love but he just wasn't very convincing. At least I know his last memories of our sex life were "amazing" - his words. I personally think they fall out of love/like with themselves and lose there own sense of attraction, H also equates love to sex and it confuses him. He has also had ED and blames it on the anxiety medication he's on, adding to the confusion.
Thx for the good laugh about having EMTs and Fire Trucks on stand by. I can just see the look on their faces when they turn up to rescue you.
Ez xx
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I believe my H was looking at porn when he was out of town during the week at his apt.. H was also having ED problems for about
1 1/2 years before BD. Now I'm thinking it was because of the porn. I've learned a lot about it and it will ruin a marriage.
I have talked to my Therapist about this and I told him what H said on BD so my question to him was, how come he can do it with OW and not me? He told me because I was "to good" to do the type of sex these men who look at porn want to do. He said H would never ask me to do that type of thing and then he said OW will. You can tell just my looking at her in her pictures she will do whatever your H desires. He wanted a ow and he got one. I feel sick!
Boy, can I relate to this! H was having intermittent ED issues as well and telling me he was too tired for intimacy. I then came to learn he was looking at porn, calling phone sex lines and ultimately having an affair with my long-time "friend." At one point, he told me that having sex with me was like having the same thing for lunch every day. OUCH. We've been together 25 years, so not a lot of mystery. Then he told me with an angry look and tone to match, that things would have been better if I could just see pornography as an important part of a healthy sex life.
OW is all about the sexual talk and inneundo and will, apparently do whatever it takes. I was no prude, but admit I am not interested in a third party being part of my sex life or H needing porn to perform. It hurts me that he has sex with OW, but I think she is just another porn image for him--and not a particularly impressive one.
What about us?! How many LBSs don't find H's sexually attractive anymore after this mess? I actually fear that my sex life is forever ruined as images of H and OW play in my head and wreck my libido. It's been 19 months, people. Is there such a thing as secondary virginity? :( <sigh>
Phoenix
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Porn makes it harder for men to perform sexually for several reasons. They get habituated to images of very young women to start with, and then they look at their wife and well hey most of us dont like that any more. There is also the novelty aspect. Different looking women every time. So when they get to the wife well it is same old, same old and they have a harder time getting aroused.
The same thing happens when they become habituated to the other woman. She is (usually) younger with fewer physical changes. Also men after a while view their wife as a business partner since we are obliged to talk to them about bills, child care, and other practical matters. So they begin to see us as there mother. This is a bad thing for sexual arousal- especially if they have a complex. In the beginning the OW can just talk to him about the one thing that interests him---him.That is until a few years down the road.
Also men at a certain age begin to have more frequent ED problems anyway, worse if they drink or smoke. Our bad luck if it happens with us...then it is "our fault". Because of the novelty of the OW he is more likely to be aroused.
I guess the moral of this story, which I had never really thought of before is that men need change. I suppose for those who still have spouses at home one could prophylaxis by changing hairstyle, clothing style etc. frequently. To late for me, mine is gone.
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Mine had a porn addiction and sought help for it back in 2004. I guess it didnt really take as i am sure he still has a problem with it. I was never up for a third party or watching porn either and I have to say that I was not a prude. We had a lot of fun for a lot of years. My h had told me that he was exposed to porn at the age of 8 by a neighbor. He had little supervision as a child. Alcoholic father and cold mother. I guess the porn soothed them or something but the problem is that it completely warps reality and they need more and more
deviant images to get the same effect. I really do pity my h because he is missing out on having a truly loving relationship. As for being attracted to my h...he is very attractive physically because he works out non stop but honestly I would be more attracted to him if he would just stop thinking about himself. We have had sex four times since bd but it was just that, sex. Not hardly any kissing...its weird to have sex but it not be intimate at all...not very fufilling or satisfying...
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You know its funny you mention that. Me and my H had sex once after BD. I was hoping to connect with him somehow. But it was strange, very distant, not much kissing. I know exactly what you mean.
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What about us?! How many LBSs don't find H's sexually attractive anymore after this mess? I actually fear that my sex life is forever ruined as images of H and OW play in my head and wreck my libido. It's been 19 months, people. Is there such a thing as secondary virginity? :( <sigh>
Phoenix
I know you're serious, but that was funny Phoenix ;D
I currently have zero attraction for my H now.
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I wanted to chime in here, not in defense of men necessarily but to clarify a few things. First off, porn is a problem for only a small percentage of those who use it. Most men are able to keep the fantasy women separate from the real and never compare the W to the fantasy women. Porn can also be used to enhance a couples sex life if used to spice it up or to get ideas from. Some women accept it and some women absolutely do not, but a respectful H will take his W's comfort level into consideration and not do things that make her uncomfortable. It all depends on the couple. When porn replaces intimacy or causes a problem with it, there is almost always a likely larger underlying problem (MLC, maybe?). Porn is addictive to those that are susceptible to addictions, but blaming porn is like blaming the gun used to commit a murder.
This was all taught to me by one of the most respected sex therapists in the state (I had him for a class in case anyone was wondering). I can attest to having used porn to spice up our sex lives and it does work. I hate to say it, but the therapist mentioned in the earlier post needs to do a little more research and stop inserting her personal bias. Just my opinion.
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I wasn't blaming porn. My h has addiction problems whether it be porn or working out which has reached which has reached epic proportions. So much so that he puts it before everything. He goes to an anti aging doc who basically has him on steroids. He had always been muscular but now he is huge. Wants to compete in a body building contest. Begins conversations with how much he weighs and what he lifted today. My h suffers from low self esteem and low self worth. He grew up in an unloving and abusive home. He told me he never felt safe. He viewed porn at the age of 8. He has alot going on inside his head. I understand that. No, I'm not blaming porn but i don't find it a necessary part of life. It's very painful to be married to someone with a porn addiction.
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My H said he "unfortunately" still gets aroused when thinking about the two of us, but reminded me that this is not our issue.
What's the issue? I don't know....
Oh, wait! He has OW! That's an issue! (Of course, I also ruined his life, I'm too controlling, he's not attracted to me, he never loved me, yada yada yada, MLC script, etc.)
He said before BD, that "whatever happens between us, the sex is something we always get right. The sex is always good."
He said that one of our friends told him once "You're a lucky man." He won't reveal who said it. Probably for the best.
He cannot bring himself to say that the sex with OW is good, but that "it's frequent."
Well, it WAS. I doubt that it IS.
He said that she gives him all the time he needs and is available a lot. (Yeah, um...while I'm taking care of the kids and washing his socks and going to work full time? Meanwhile, she is unemployed, has no kids...and a drinking problem! SEX-EH!) It's not beneath me to taunt him now--"Oh, she must be AMAZING!" Because I know she is not.
I will admit that a lot of the romance was gone. He said that he'd wanted for us to hold each other and make out and listen to music, and all that romantic stuff I never had time for. And, frankly, I wasn't feeling all that mushy for him lately. There are a lot of reasons, and I know that's a two-way road.
In the end, after BD, I had sex with him twice, both times it was good for me physically, though the last time was emotionally very painful. The first time we were both drunk and had been talking and talking over beers and vodka--he said he was sad we hadn't talked like that before he found OW. We went at it in the laundry room on the floor--it was exciting! The second time, early one morning, I was watching a taped interview on Oprah with Rob Lowe, about what a great husband and father he is, and I was overcome with the need to be held by MY husband and the father of MY children. I was so painfully alone. So I went to his bed, which was in the living room. Our teens were still asleep in their rooms, but I was bothered by the fact that they could come out and see us at any moment. He didn't care a bit. Still, I managed to do my thing, and he his.... And he told me later it wasn't that great for him, he didn't like feeling rushed. I was so hurt and sick and insulted and rejected. And, he was hurt and angry that I'd tricked him into "cheating" on his OW, which infuriated me and freaked me out. He was occupied by an alien by then. He had sex with her a few days later when I went to work. He had to go. She won. My heart and spirit were broken.
Just before he moved out, I tortured him all night one night, waking him up repeatedly, to point out in a furious rage all the lies, the betrayals, the hurt, the stupidity, the idiocy of what he was doing. I was desperately trying to break him.
And I'm not proud, but I told him rather graphically what I was going to let another man do to me--all the things he and I had done together, learned together--I was going to let another man do to me and with me and I was going to do those things to and with another man. After all, H had thrown me away like a piece of trash--just simply discarded me. Another man would treasure me one day!
I may as well have told him I was going to take several breaths the next day. He could not have cared less. He was so infatuated. It's my most shameful moment, but I doubt he remembers it.
I did text him more recently that I was looking forward to dating again, and later he pointed out that this is cruel of me to say to him! :o :o :o
Well, the door is open now. Wide open.
I always try to look my best when I know he will see me. I've lost quite a bit of weight. Early after he first moved out, when we met to sign papers, he leered at me and said, "Wow, you're REALLY looking goooood. You're getting your curves back!" And he pointed at my waist, one of his favorite body parts. I hated him. I felt he had a lot of nerve. Everyone else says I'm too thin now.
I texted him later that I was buying lots of dresses, and I look good in them, and it's too bad he won't get to hold my waist while I'm wearing them. He loves dresses--he'd texted his OW and asked her to wear a dress for him once. I never got a reply to my text.
I know it'll be a while before he's as attracted to me as he is his OW--if he EVER allows himself to be attracted to me. But I want him to know that I am attracTIVE, especially to other men who show their appreciation regularly, the men to whom he has discarded me.
His loss.
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I wanted to chime in here, not in defense of men necessarily but to clarify a few things. First off, porn is a problem for only a small percentage of those who use it. Most men are able to keep the fantasy women separate from the real and never compare the W to the fantasy women. Porn can also be used to enhance a couples sex life if used to spice it up or to get ideas from. Some women accept it and some women absolutely do not, but a respectful H will take his W's comfort level into consideration and not do things that make her uncomfortable. It all depends on the couple. When porn replaces intimacy or causes a problem with it, there is almost always a likely larger underlying problem (MLC, maybe?). Porn is addictive to those that are susceptible to addictions, but blaming porn is like blaming the gun used to commit a murder.
This was all taught to me by one of the most respected sex therapists in the state (I had him for a class in case anyone was wondering). I can attest to having used porn to spice up our sex lives and it does work. I hate to say it, but the therapist mentioned in the earlier post needs to do a little more research and stop inserting her personal bias. Just my opinion.
This is one aspect no one sways ME on. In fact it's a very sickening aspect; it's one of the few aspects I speak out strongly AGAINST, and I dealt with it during his MLC.
It can be a major aspect during MLC; and until the MLC'er learns to go for the REAL,(their spouse) rather than the FAKE;(the porn) they will continue to live in a fantasy world, while their lives fall apart around them.
It's WRONG, period. You cannot do wrong, and get by; it simply isn't possible!
I strongly disagree with what I see as justification for wrong behavior, Thundarr and my view is Biblical; if you look upon a woman(whether it be porn or otherwise) with lust, you've already committed adultery in your own heart. And don't tell me the images do not evoke LUST; I wasn't born yesterday nor in a barn.
Pornography is something that will breakdown, and cause a literal train wreck within a person's mind; the devil gets a foothold that way; when a professed Child of God falls to that kind of temptation, they develop "chinks" or "cracks" within their armor, and the devil will come in every time.
It might start innocently enough with the porn, then eventually graduate to something worse, as sin knows NO boundaries. Sex sells, I know this; considering the strip bars, boobie places, and other kinds of places no one has any business in.
My son faced that kind of temptation on his 21st birthday, confessed it to me, and knowing I could do nothing but advise him NOT to go that route, I prayed for wisdom; and prayed for him to make what he KNEW was a right decision. I watched him wrestle with it, try and justify it, and even watched him get VERY angry because he KNEW it was wrong; NOT so much because I had taught him that; but, honestly, because the Holy Spirit was pricking his conscience hard about it.
If this is not wrong to do, WHY does God prick the heart in this matter?
Our son won the battle, and is glad now that he did, because he was blessed beyond his expectations as a result. He is unmarried, and still PURE. As intuitive as I am, I SEE this purity that still rests upon him. He doesn't view porn at all. He follows the Lord in all ways; if he didn't, the Lord would NOT have His hand upon my son.
Sin separates people from the Lord every day, and the devil laughs in his corner.
Let me tell you something else; my husband was fighting a spirit of LUST when he was viewing pornography during his MLC; to try and "save" himself from adultery. It didn't work, because the Lord allowed circumstances to catch up with him, he faced the ultimate temptation, and FAILED it; falling right into adultery.
You cannot use one sin to try and save yourself from another; it will ALL catch you every time.
For a period of time, he'd returned to a time of his life when this type of behavior was used. He had a porn problem when we were married, but broke it on his own at that time. He KNEW I was uncomfortable with it; but because of his addiction both times, I paid a heavy emotional price.
He does not view it at this time in our lives, having been freed from it for a long time; the Lord helped him because he wanted to help himself. I did my part, too; I prayed for him, and even fought for him at one point.
The Bible says you're to enjoy your wife at ALL times you're to satisfy yourself with HER breasts; NOT pictures of someone else's. (before you say it, I KNOW, she's in crisis, but still I'll make my point). It also does NOT say to use pornography in any form to "spice" up your marriage. When one prays on about a sexual issue within the marriage, God, indeed, has ways of assisting. After all, He not only created marriage, but he created the sexual union itself, and it does NOT need to be perverted with that kind of filth.
The bedroom is between the two married people, but to bring that aspect into your marriage is to invite the devil in to break up your marriage.
It's only a matter of time before the process begins. It begins with distance, and leads to the death of the relationship. The wages of sin is death; and this usually means emotional, because it separates you from your spouse, breaking a necessary connection, spiritual, because it separates you from the Lord, and mental, because the guilt and shame will create a great deal of confusion within you.
There is NO justification for what is clearly SINFUL behavior.
God would NOT be pleased with me in ANY form if I or my husband engaged in this type of behavior; this is NOT self condemnation, this is FACT; and I hold to a higher standard for myself in the way of my behavior/sexual conduct.....being pure and practicing PURITY within your marriage means NO adultery, NO "swinging behaviors, NO open marriages, and certainly NO viewing of pornography.
WHY do you think people suffer from deep guilt, and shame when they view porn in secret? This secret in time, in various other aspects destroys them mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Sin takes you farther than you ever wanted to go, and it will cost you more than you ever wanted to pay; AND, you will reap and hard, what you sow in corruption.
Porn can cause a person's expectations of their spouse in the bedroom to rise far above what it should be in the way of sexual performance/satisfaction. The spouse becomes nothing but a sex object due to the influence of pornography...and it's not respectable behavior.
It's also the doorway toward committing adultery; when one doesn't get the satisfaction they seek from their spouse; they could begin to search elsewhere, and end up doing something they can't take back.
Their state of mind becomes "altered"; and eventually; they become so deep within the addiction; it's hard for them to break the habit. It also indicates a true emotional problem when someone begins to prefer viewing porn to spending true quality time with their spouse.
Not to mention, it decreases a person's sensitivity for the feelings of their spouse....I should know, I was exposed to what happens when a man becomes addicted to it, and the door it opens when it becomes a habit.
In my opinion, ALL people who develop this unsavory habit, are AFFECTED, in turn, it affects their spouse, and it's a true "ripple effect" that occurs when sexual respect becomes lost along the way.
It's more destructive than most realize..why don't you tell these same things to the people whose marriage have ended because the porn took over their lives? I've read and heard stories again and again; of people who started out innocently out of curiosity; then once it got a foothold, it literally took over their lives, and took on a life of its own, becoming out of control; in turn, it destroys MORE than just the person who was viewing it.
I think I've said enough, and I'll get off my soapbox now.
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Nope my h never said that he wasn't attracted to me at all. prior to bd sex was frequent/satisfying if a little frantic (because I could sense he was pulling away and I was trying to connect/stay connected..... the oxytocin thing. )then bd and after that there was nothing/nada/ no physical contact.
Then (and this makes me SO sad to think of) during trial sep (3 months after bd) we spent the day together and ended up kissing. all day, like teenagers and just lying in bed (no sex stuff just touch) and he said he loved me.
Eventually a few weekends later (still on trial sep) we ml and then he came back after trial sep end of june and h said one day that the sex we had was what he'd always dreamed of.
over the summer sex was frequent and we worked away in a shared house (and shared room) so ml was tricky but we sustained it. Back home (I stayed on a few days h went nome first) again during ml h said he was going to love me so much that at the end of my life I could say i'd been truly loved.
within a week it all fell apart (see my thread) . h accused me of pursuing him sexually, putting the pressure,(he said "can you imagine how that feels?") that I was out for a sexual odyssey and he'd been there done that. that this was not loves young dream anymore. and that hurt.
and now we're separated.
I think he was always attracted to me and felt horny and I saw that (as naive, young women do but i'm 47 lol ) as meaning more.
Over the summer I snooped texts betwixt h and EA where he was saying he'd been propositioned by someone and felt horny,(this is during trial sep before we'd ml etc) and what should he do.
to be fair to EA she pointed out that h was still married and to hold off 'til we'd been officially separated.
makes me sad, thinking about this. : (
I loved that man.
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Yes my wife has told me she is not attracted to me anymore. Sex or lack of it is what started this return to MLC hell for me. We had gone through what I thought was the worst of it. I returned home and things were great for awhile. We get along enjoyed each other in bed. Truly on the road to recovery, NOT!! Then she got sick, whenever she takes any antibiotic she gets yeast infections. So that needed to clear up first but seemed to take longer than usual. I became resentful that she was ignoring me and confronted her which led to the "I am not attracted to you" speech. Hell she never had a large sex drive but now it is non existent. At one point during the last 6 months she even said it would be so much easier for her during this time in her life if I would just go buy some condoms and find someone else to take care of my needs so she could be left alone to figure out what she wants out of life. Basically giving me an unlimited "HALL PASS" but while the thought is probably on every mans fantasy list that is were it will always stay for me. I crave making "love" to my wife not a quick get my racks off kind of thing. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me? Why do I want so much to feel that passion from her? Even those times when she gave in to me and had sex it did not satisfy me because she was not really into it and it seems emotionally that is what I need. I want most to feel like my wofe, the woman I love wants me to be her lover again. Lord do I miss that feeling!!
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Yh it sucks, when your lover of 23 years just pisses off.
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HB ~ What you stated is exactly what my Therapist said to me. Porn IS addicting. He explained it to me like this...he asked me if I drank wine. I said no not really. He then said if someone does and they start out with a small glass of wine a day and that after a while the person's body drinking the wine will start wanting more and more. One glass won't be enough. He said a person might innocently start watching porn but because it is addictive, they will want to see more and more and the porn that they are watching will get worse and much more hard core. That is what he is was saying about my H, that I was to good to do the things he was probably wanting to do because it was hard core. We know this because of a statement my H said to me 3 months before BD. It was shocking and disturbing to me. I never put 2 and 2 together until someone on this forum sent me an article on porn stating it is addicting and that it WILL ruin a marriage. Porn takes out all intimacy in a marriage. The person watching it lives in a fantasy world. I never knew much about porn. I do know my H likes it because I caught him a few times over the years looking at on the internet. He would watch it during the night and I never knew until I used the computer the next day and when I went in to type a web address, all his previous sites came up. I always put a stop to it.
Now this last 4 years H has worked out of town and had an apt.. I didn't want him to have internet service because I feared this is what he was doing at night. Being he was alone during the week, he could look at porn every night. My worst fears came true.
I now believe that is why he starting having ED issues. Then he started his EA affair with the OW at work and then it went physical.
His OW is definitely the type to do whatever my H desires. I definitely agree with HB that Porn opens the door for adultry. If porn wasn't bad, then why do these men that watch always have to sneak around to watch it. Why do they watch it in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping? Because deep down they know it is bad news. I just hope that my H gets his ED issues back while he is with OW, then he will know it wasn't me.
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Well my H moved to the sofa two years before BD, he also changed his shift to nights so that he did not have to go to bed at the same time as me. At weekends he would stop working around 7pm and tell me he has to go out again at 11pm to finish work. I realise now he was just avoiding sleeping with me.
He told me he loves me like a sister
He told me he cannot think of me in a sexual way anymore
He told the therapist that he can't think of me in that way anymore
He told me that I am very attractive and that many men would jump at the chance to have me!!!!!!!!
When I asked why what happened to these feelings he told me he does not know it just went away.
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My H was also caught with really hard core porn on the computer before BD ... I couldn't believe he would risk our daughters finding such images ... it was quite disgusting. Of course he tried to justify it, ... all me look at porn, lots of women do too ... etc etc ... That doesn't make it right or good!
He made me feel like I was a prude for not enjoying it ... I knew he was wrong. And I am no prude. It has been hard to forget those horrible things he was watching, and put them out of my mind now, as we are reconnecting physically ... it is definitely harmful to me. There is a lot of research online .... one excerpt ....
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PORNOGRAPHY?
by Ross S. Olson MD
Why do some people get so hot and bothered about sexy pictures? Is it because they are repressed or something? Why not just let everybody look at what they like? It doesn't hurt anybody, does it?
The truth is simple but sometimes hard to express. Sex can be beautiful. Sexual attraction may lead a person to seek out a mate, and help to bond a lasting relationship in which children can be born and raised. That is what it was designed to do. But uncontrolled sexual impulses destroy lives and damage society. Essentially every honest adult will have to admit that they have had sexual thoughts that they KNOW should never be acted out.
How is pornography destructive? Sexual images are extremely persistent. Men often can remember in great detail the images that got them started and continue to be affected by them. But the major danger is that the intensity of the material tends to escalate because after a while the mild stuff is no longer as stimulating. The images become associated with masturbation and it is the nature of orgiastic activity that it produces a desire for repetition.
When sex is kept within the context of marriage, this habit-forming tendency helps cement the commitment and motivate a couple to work out the inevitable problems that go with human relationships. But sexual stimulation with pornography, because it is devoid of human interaction, is intensely selfish and becomes quickly jaded. Thus the fantasies need to become more explicit, more bizarre and more blended with violence to achieve the same level of excitement. Finally, images alone are not enough and the desire to act out the fantasies becomes powerful. Since the focus has been consistently on selfish pleasure and the pictures seen as objects, the transition is sometimes frighteningly easy.
So pornography makes monsters of susceptible people. Rapists, child molesters and serial killers uniformly are addicted to pornography, and to say that some who use pornography do not reach this extreme is beside the point. For some, it "only" makes sexual fulfillment in marriage difficult if not impossible. This is because the patterns are so hard to change and the pornography user finds the mate inferior to his fantasies. With pornography, the danger is so dramatic, why play around with it?
But we also need to think about the subjects of pornography. They are not simply those people who have made a career choice to enter the sex industry. Young girls, (or boys for the homosexual community), are approached and dealt with according to their vulnerabilities. Those who are rebellious are lured into what sounds like excitement. Those who crave attention or approval are told they would be great models. They might be photographed decently but have their faces attached to computer-altered pornographic websites. Some believe that the pimp is their boyfriend and have their minds slowly twisted to the point that they become exotic dancers, pornography subjects or prostitutes.
Pornography is not a victimless crime. The users and the subjects are both devastated and the societal cost is immense. It is only the subject of debate because of human nature. Sexual behavior is very highly rationalized -- people are capable of justifying anything they really want to do. The profit motive is powerful for those who make this a business and, in the case of pornography, organized crime controls the major portion of it. Smokescreens, such as preservation of free speech, are off the point for that principle does not mean we can say anything we wish. Yelling "fire" in a crowded theater or maliciously slandering another person are not protected. And we are not just talking about Venus de Milo. Even though there are individual differences in response to nude representations, pornography is light years removed from real art.
Its big business.
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When I asked xh if he found me attractive, he said yes, but the spark was not there and he wanted passion.
When I asked him if sex was better with younger ow, he said no, but it was different
When I asked him if younger ow was prettier, he said no, even though I am older than her she is not prettier
When I asked him why he wanted to stay with her, He said that we were married 25 years, man was not meant to be monogamous and he needed to move on
He has been with ow/now wife over 4 years, and I beleive ow is out prowling for other men.
I am still scratching my head for why he is with her
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For most of human history, erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.
For two decades, I have watched young women experience the continual “mission creep” of how pornography—and now Internet pornography—has lowered their sense of their own sexual value and their actual sexual value. When I came of age in the seventies, it was still pretty cool to be able to offer a young man the actual presence of a naked, willing young woman. There were more young men who wanted to be with naked women than there were naked women on the market. If there was nothing actively alarming about you, you could get a pretty enthusiastic response by just showing up. Your boyfriend may have seen Playboy, but hey, you could move, you were warm, you were real. Thirty years ago, simple lovemaking was considered erotic in the pornography that entered mainstream consciousness: When Behind the Green Door first opened, clumsy, earnest, missionary-position intercourse was still considered to be a huge turn-on
http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/
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Wow, HB, I didn't need that. One of the things that changed with W leading up to BD was that she started viewing porn in her phone and trying new things in the bedroom. Really exciting new things. I thought it may have been her getting comfortable with her body and just being more adventurous. I never looked at it as the reason she left me. Maybe it is what ended my marriage, as she did tell me she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that I hadn't aged well. Perhaps she does equate a loss of physical attraction as "not giving a $hit about someone."
Maybe there is no crisis in my sitch, except for the one I'm in now.
EDIT- Thundarr stop the PITY part, I will get out my violin.
You are cycling here. And I thought you were doing well, pick your self up and get with the program.
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I particularly like the following quote from the same article:
After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it.
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It's like a ghost on my post (but I know why). But, really, I took HB to say that immoral behavior from both my W and I is what brought us down rather than her being mentally immature and "broken.". It seems that just when I start to not personalize this someone points a finger, and I highly respect HB and many others here. Just a kick in the balls I didn't need this morning is all.
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Hmmm this topic has taken off like crazy! :)
I know before BD for about the pryer 2 years honey would turn me down for sex almost all the time...even though I was the one sleeping on the couch, when I tried to go to him, he had better things to do. But blames me NOW for never wanting sex with him. :o :o :o Its amazing how they rewrite EVERYTHING before and after BD. so many things twisted I wonder what they CAN believe. Sheesh! How can they keep up with all the lies they tell and rewrite?? Insane!!
Honey STILL thinks I NEVER wanted sex...STILL thinks we havent had ANY good sex since BD...He must have been somewhere else....lala land!
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Syn,
How can they keep up with all the lies they tell and rewrite?? Insane!!
The simple answer to that is they can't! Which is why we think we are going crazy until we stand back and recognise that they they constantly "change" their story, depending on their mood, the person they are talking to, the way the think we are looking at them, the fact that they haven't heard the sound of their own voice in over 10 mins...
One of the things that made me feel that there was something very very wrong with my H at BD,was when I realised he was contradicting himself at times, practically in the same sentence. I would look at him like this, :o :o :o, waiting for him to recognise the absurdity of something he had said, and when he didn't it became clear that old H had left the building...
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S&D
I hear ya! Sometimes while honey and I are in some discussion about the past...I get so frustrated because it IS insane
to listen to them rewrite everything and you just want to smack them back into reality!
I soooo wish I had recorded EVERY convo we have had in the last 3 years, just to go back later and let him listen to his nonsense! LOL! I bet the MLCers would be like "huh? I did what?" " I said that??" :o :o :o
I hate that the BLAME always has to be on the LBS...Its like "GET A CLUE" darn MLCers anyway! :D
One day honey WILL know the truth.....parts of it anyway. Cant wait to see The look on his face when the light finally comes on!
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I always liked the stand taken by the gentlemen who own the chain of Omni hotels. It is not cheap, of course, to buy TVs for every room in a bunch of hotels. However if you are willing (as most hotel owners are) to offer your clients porn movies on demand, the porn industry will purchase TVs with those capabilities for you saving you something like $400 per room. From a business standpoint this makes all kinds of sense. But the Omni guys, family men, could not bring themselves to allow it. They kept thinking on how they'd not like for their wives, daughters, etc. to be getting onto an elevator with a man who'd just filled his mind with pornographic images, and they felt if they offered porn on demand, it would make THEM personally responsible for scenarios like that. So the Omni is one of a very few hotel chains where, if you are wanting to watch some porn on demand, you are not going to want to stay there. If you do, well, there are plenty of other places to stay!
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wow Wed, That's pretty interesting and amazing if you think about it...How many times have one of us been sitting in an elevator with men in a hotel and felt like they were "watching" us....eeew! That's a creep feeling. Ugh!
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:) Hi,
My husband has never said he was no longer sexually attracted to me.
The only time he has mentioned "sex" was a couple of weeks after BD.
I asked......how could he have carried on having sex with me, whilst pursuing OW, his reply was.....Oh....we hadn't had sex for two weeks!
My reply was....That's true, you spent 2/3 weeks hanging off the edge of the bed! So prior to the "hanging" off the edge of the bed, we were still having sex, please explain to me how you could have sex with your wife whilst pursuing OW.
His reply...... Oh well.....that was just LUST!
Roflmao! Well at least he still lusts me!
Look at it like this .....If they are having sex 3/4 times a night with OW, they ain't doing it right!. It's QUALITY that counts NOT QUANTITY! Hey...maybe they have lots of false starts, or maybe they start something they can't finish, if you understand me. ;-)
My brother left his wife a few years ago (swine!) for OW, he told me...... when your having sex with OW, you think of your WIFE! Oooh I say!!
Hugs guys xxx
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I cannot believe how much we have in common. My h too before BD would come up with reasons he couldn't have sex with me. He was tired, he was busy. Sometimes he would just say later and later never happened. Then when we did have sex (and we would go months without it), it was slam bam thank you mam. No foreplay, no hugging, no kissing, nothing. I we could only do it in one positition because his back hurt, hes knees hurt. When we were finished, in record time he would get up, get dressed and leave me in bed. I would say to him why don't you just leave twenty bucks on the bed. He NEVER got it. At least I know now that it wasn't me, it was him. Before he started acting different sex was amazing.
Hopefully we get to that stage again, we'll see.
Me
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For anyone who has dealt with or suspected an addiction to pornography, I would recommend reading the book "The Porn Trap." It is non-judgmental, pro-sex, and entirely secular in its attitude toward pornography. It is written by a female and male sex therapist who at times used various forms of pornography to treat sexual problems in their patients. The book will help you to determine when the use of pornography has crossed the line toward addiction. The authors explain how the brain science behind pornography/sex addiction is very similar to the use of 'hard drugs'. Not all who use drugs (even hard drugs) 'recreationally' will become addicts, the same holds true for the recreational use of pornography. BUT ADDICTION TO PORNOGRAPHY IS REAL. It took me a long time to accept this, and I only wish I had understood this sooner.
Pornography addiction is not just the construct of prudish wives who feel jealous, intimidated, or disrespected by their husband's girlie mags (or who are opposed on moral or ethical grounds.) In fact, it was my own liberal attitude toward pornography that made it difficult for me to appreciate the difference between use and abuse. I highly recommend the book "The Porn Trap" for those who wish to learn more. Its a corny title, but its a well-researched and extremely well-written book that refuses to condemn but offers science-based guidance and understanding. Just my 2 cents.
Addictions (old and new) are one aspect of MLC. If you are dealing with any type of addiction, it helps to be informed.
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My Prince Charming was always too tired.
I now know he's conflated me with " mother" and in his head I'm not a wife.
In a period of great personal distress I asked him point blank, and no he's not sexually attracted to me at all.
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I am in total agreement with HB on this topic.
My H's porn addiction that has lasted the length of our marriage was absolutely devastating. My H could never give himself fully to me on an emotional, physical, or spiritual level. Our physical relationship was never as good as his relationship was with his porn and himself. My H has had ED problems for much of our marriage and I know now that that issue is also due to the porn. Though I was - and hopefully still am - an attractive woman, I was never enough compared to the porn H was looking at.
I could never please him as much as he was used to pleasing himself while viewing porn. I feel as if porn took away so many aspects of our marriage and totally eroded our level of trust and intimacy. And, in agreement with HB's post, his constant use of porn was a sin against God, against our marriage vows, and against his own body. Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and if we defile our body, we are defiling the Holy Spirit. Every time my H viewed porn - and he certainly tried to keep it secret, but I knew what he was doing - I felt he was committing adultery against me, which is what the Bible says is the lust of the eyes.
I, like HB, will not excuse porn under any circumstances. God does not excuse it and I will not excuse it. Call me judgmental. I know what porn can do to a marriage. It perverts what God intended to be a beautiful relationship between a man and woman that God alone designed. Satan is absolutely the father of this tragic sin and Satan has deceived many into thinking that porn is not a big deal.
Porn took away what should have been a loving relationship between my H and I. Porn is sin and it is totally against everything God intended marriage and the sexual relationship between husband and wife to be.
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Goodness, Thundarr, what did you expect me to do; agree with you?? NOT gonna happen when I see something I know is wrong to do.
Wow, HB, I didn't need that. One of the things that changed with W leading up to BD was that she started viewing porn in her phone and trying new things in the bedroom. Really exciting new things. I thought it may have been her getting comfortable with her body and just being more adventurous. I never looked at it as the reason she left me. Maybe it is what ended my marriage, as she did tell me she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that I hadn't aged well. Perhaps she does equate a loss of physical attraction as "not giving a $hit about someone."
Maybe there is no crisis in my sitch, except for the one I'm in now.
OH, Dude, BOTH of you are in a individual crisis' of your own, Thundarr; and it started for you when she dropped the bomb; this started for HER long before you knew what was happening; believe that if you don't believe anything else.
OP's Ghost Post:
EDIT- Thundarr stop the PITY part, I will get out my violin.
You are cycling here. And I thought you were doing well, pick your self up and get with the program.
I must confess, I laughed until I lost my breath at the idea of OP getting out his violin to play "My Heart Bleeds for You" or even getting out his TINY record player that plays "Cycle Round and Round, but You Need to Face the TRUTH" (These are not real songs; but you get my meaning.)
He's right about the pity party, Thundarr; you're whining because I've spoiled your fun; get over it; and start growing up.
Anytime someone hits a sore spot within you and you KNOW what you're defending is wrong; you need to look closely at what it is within you that reacts in this way.
It's like a ghost on my post (but I know why). But, really, I took HB to say that immoral behavior from both my W and I is what brought us down rather than her being mentally immature and "broken.". It seems that just when I start to not personalize this someone points a finger, and I highly respect HB and many others here. Just a kick in the balls I didn't need this morning is all.
Actually, I DID say that; but you're now trying to say, you're the one who's "grown" all the way up; while SHE is still a child; when you've still not scratched deeply enough within your journey and the issues within you just yet.
Trying to head me off at the pass won't work.
What, you think you're the grown up here? NOT HARDLY or exactly. BOTH you AND your wife ARE at this time, "broken" and emotionally immature.
I was in this place, too, and just like my husband, at one time; BOTH of us were broken and emotionally immature in our own individual aspects; and we BOTH had to grow up within this process; I've spoken of it, before.
If you hadn't been defending pornography; I would not have said anything to you or anyone else; I will say something if I catch someone defending what I KNOW is wrong. Owing to the fact we are all adults here, for me, there are subjects that I'm not always comfortable with that are discussed on here; but I can't do anything about that; except to choose NOT to enter a thread that is uncomfortable for me.
Yet, for what it's worth, I clicked on this one last night, when I was going to skip it, because I was "told" to. I assumed, (and rightly, based on the various posts that are sticking to the subject at hand), that people were discussing lack of sexual attraction within the MLC spouse.
This is one of the aspects of MLC that is faced by most people...and I'd posted many things on that, and wasn't really planning to post anything at first, but He had me looking for something I had NO idea I was supposed to find...if that makes sense to anyone but me. :)
Then YOUR post caught my eye, as I was skimming along; and I got clear instructions to write what I did, and to be BLUNT; but if you feel I kicked you where it hurts, maybe you need to check out WHY it hurts that much....something in you reacted to what was written.
Thundarr, God doesn't "toy" or even "play" with you; He uses me and many others here to hold you accountable within various serious aspects of this; and this is not the first time you've posted something He has instructed me to answer directly.
And, I guess it won't be the last; through not just me, but others, too, He keeps teaching you various aspects, and is trying to open your eyes to what is within YOURSELF that justifies various WRONG aspects that need to be left alone, or worked out, or your view points need changing.
It can be part of one's growth to rework various moral aspects that aren't in line with the Word of God; this is also a part of building a relationship with Him. Sin and the Lord cannot coexist; and though He uses me to help you; He would come down SO hard on me, if I didn't address posts that clearly show justification for wrong behavior; and when you post such as this, it's not a good influence on people who are trying to learn a right way go about their lives in a better moral fashion/aspect.
I have a friend, for example, that I stay on and after continuously because she will forget herself and send me stuff that is offensive to me. I hold her accountable for her actions in that aspect; and I should, it's one of my jobs to do such as this.
But, by the same token, I'm not perfect, either, and if I say or do something that's wrong, I'm held accountable, too, whether it's the Lord getting after me right then, or someone else that's sent to me to help me see what I need to see so I can do better in the future.
It's honestly NOT one set of rules for some people and other sets for other people; I don't make any exceptions; I can't afford to. I have gotten after people here before for posting what they know is wrong; and it sometimes will, and often does put them on the defensive.
I don't make judgement calls, like you might THINK I do; I simply point out what I see; then what YOU do with what I point out is up to YOU.
I learn something every day of my life; and I do the best I can to not just write out the principles, but to live them, as well.
Take it in the spirit it's offered in; or don't take it at all. That's up to you, and anyone else who's reading this post.
Take care of yourself, my friend.
HB
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My H never stopped having sex with me before BD July 2011.
Moved out straight away
Came back 4 weeks later for several days........best sex we had in years........told me I was beautiful and sexy........said he knew as soon as he saw me each night that he wanted to make love to me........that he loved me.......confused
2 weeks later I don't love you I'm never coming back I want a divorce
Messed up or what
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HB and CFL,
I love you both!! String women of conviction with hearts of gold! I meant no offense or promotion of pornography, but looking at it from a secular standpoint. To each his own, and yes in some ways I am still immature. But, I never want to lose being a kid at heart!!
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HB and CFL,
I love you both!! String women of conviction with hearts of gold! I meant no offense or promotion of pornography, but looking at it from a secular standpoint. To each his own, and yes in some ways I am still immature. But, I never want to lose being a kid at heart!!
Most interesting; and contradictory; God doesn't make a "difference" in secular and spiritual standpoints, wrong is wrong. :)
You are right, to each his/her own; but we will each one, stand in accountability before the Lord when it's time for each one of us as individuals to do this.
You ought to know me by now; I am generally NOT easily offended; even though I have been accused of being "thin skinned" when I stand up for myself....and I actually ignore this kind of posted stuff.
Dude, I'd like to consider myself a mature adult, but I like to have fun, too, balancing fun and responsibility; but keeping in mind what kind of person is being projected toward other people.
Again, I won't engage in what I know is wrong; and if that makes me a "party pooper" or a "debbie downer" so be it....I like to sleep soundly at night with my conscience clear. :)
Carry on with your journey, my friend. :)
and BEHAVE!!! LOL!!
Your friend,
HB
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HB,
I agree on the porn issue.
Disgusting!
L
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HB,
I agree on the porn issue.
Disgusting!
L
There I go again....being judgemental...... ;)
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HB,
I agree on the porn issue.
Disgusting!
L
There I go again....being judgemental...... ;)
LOL!!! Well, honey, like Wed said on the title of her thread, if you can't say something nice, come sit by ME, LOL!!!
You're not being judgmental, LOL!!
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Wow couldn't help but chime in here after reading all the posts about porn addiction. I have to say I have never been addicted to porn, I tried watching some after many years of not being exposed to it after being denied sex with the W but I have to say it did not hold much charm. Someone wrote that the constant exposure to younger women in the porn would turn a man off of his W, in my case it is just the opposite I find the constant parade of younger women a turn off. Yes they are beautiful but I don't know something is missing, they all follow the script they are given and that's it. I actually stopped watching it because it did not help me at all. I could get aroused but when it came down to it I wanted the real thing and the images could not replace the warmth of my W. To me watching porn made my yearning and pain all the worse it did not even give me the ability for strictly physical release it would leave me wanting to go approach W and right now anyway that is just a set up for rejection.
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I have to admit I like to read erotic stories etc.
I've look at some pictures; but I don't think they would would be considered "hard core" and I don't make a habit out of it. Some of the romance novels now are what I would consider somewhat pornographic. I used to love them because I would put exh and myself in them as the lead characters; it enhanced ( for me) our sex life.
Then he kind of started putting me down for reading them so I stopped. He didn't know the real reason behind me reading them. I didn't fight with him about it I just started reading SyFy which is what he liked. ::) Stupid to do that I know.
I've bought some instructional manuals recently they are pretty graphic; but I don't find myself drawn to all of this stuff.I don't think I've ever watched a movie that was considered "adult".
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Have you ever watched a butterfly land on something and slowly open and close its wings over and over kinda like it's waving?
That's the female butterfly. She does this to signal to a male butterfly that she'd like for him to come over and get a little lovin'.
Scientists have experimented with this. What they have done is, they have taken a large cardboard cut-out of a butterfly, put that beside a real-life "waving" butterfly and watched what the male does. The male will always go to the cardboard butterfly.
:(
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Have you ever watched a butterfly land on something and slowly open and close its wings over and over kinda like it's waving?
That's the female butterfly. She does this to signal to a male butterfly that she'd like for him to come over and get a little lovin'.
Scientists have experimented with this. What they have done is, they have taken a large cardboard cut-out of a butterfly, put that beside a real-life "waving" butterfly and watched what the male does. The male will always go to the cardboard butterfly.
:(
That is really sad. :'( Thanks for sharing it, though.