Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: WarriorPriestess on January 17, 2012, 09:37:05 AM
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One of my fears lately has been that H's MLC will trigger one of my own, or that it may have already. I have experienced feelings and thoughts that could possibly be construed as MLC issues. One was a very strong desire to RUN. Another was to reconnect with people and things from my past- listening to music from back then, looking up old boyfriends on Facebook, etc. I have been processing A LOT of old stuff from my youth. I would like to deal with this responsibly and am working through it as best I can, but frankly, the thought of losing control and falling into a full blown MLC terrifies me. Anyone else have similar experiences? Thoughts?
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WP
I also have the same worries...since I went through PPD when I was 27 and I ran like the wind...I also worry that I may have unresolved issues. I have been thinking about my childhood some more in depth today. How Ironic that you put this up today as I am thinking maybe I should revisit some issues I know I still have..
I know I have some issues with my mom and dad that I cant really put my finger on yet. I have so little memory of my dad in the picture that I worry I may have blocked alot of heartache out. Just this morning I was wondering if I should seek out a hypnosis therapist to look into it further AND not only that.....I also have had this deep underlying issue that I don't speak of to anyone....Its the feeling that I may have been molested...but I don't know if I truly was or not...does that make sense?
I mean...wouldn't I KNOW if I was??? Its been something on my mind for years...but never looked into it further..
I worry I may run as well....because I did it before! Argh! Maybe we can all help eachother out that "think" about it.
((hugs))
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:).Hi WP
Yep! Me! :o :o :o :o :o
I have had the exact same thoughts, it scares me to death!
All the things you have listed, I have done them too, even looking up old boyfriends on Facebook!
I loath FB by the way! One day I found myself searching for a couple of old flames, I found them, yuk, yuk and yuk!
Surely that's the difference?? We have looked but not got sucked into some red!ck fantasy!!
We are able to see it for what it is, just reminiscing!
I sure as hell do not want to get mixed up with anyone from my past, they are in the past and that's where they are stopping!
The only thing that truly terrified me was reading about the "depression", I never want to go there, that's for sure!
Hugs xx
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I've thought about this, too. And something I worry about. Sometimes I feel like the voice of my mother is coming out of me when I talk - the stress, the worries, the anxieties. My mom has a habit of sighing very loudly when she's not happy about something, rather than vocalizing her problems. I've been doing that, but I try to be aware of that and verbalize my worries. My counselor's helped me with some of that. I worry that if I keep the stress and anxiety inside I'll have some sort of breakdown.
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Yes yes yes I have had these thoughts. I have no idea how to keep from thinking about having my own MLC. It is very tempting to just give in and see if I can't find some of that phoney-baloney "fun" my H seems to be having so much of these days. I think Why care that it's not real, if it helps to block the pain for at least a little while? I know there are a few things from my childhood that are going to need addressing, eventually. Will I have strength enough to make the transition when it comes, or will I go into a full blown crisis?
And should I even try to prevent or stop a crisis? I imagine myself as a stronger person, way back when I didn't have to worry about detaching from my H because my H was not even in the picture yet. But was I stronger? No. I just like to pretend I was or would be were I to have a second chance at those days gone by. If anyone's got some advice on getting past the thoughts like these, I sure would like to know, before I get crazy myself!
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And should I even try to prevent or stop a crisis?
Advice is not different for US.
FACE it head on, there is no avoiding it.
Read what HeartBlessing says about cycling backwards.
If you avoid it then when you cycle backwards and it will be even worse the next time around.
Do not run away, maybe that way you can keep it as a transition rather than a crisis.
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Yes! Me too. I know for sure I am going through it too. Maybe not at crisis status but it is happening. It's part of the reason why I have some empathy towards H. I understand the urge to run and feel selfish with my time and thoughts, even more than ever.
To cope... one thing I try to do is surround myself with as much nature as I can. Even with all of my shampoos, lotions etc. I care about our planet, very much, but the main reason is I want to feel connected to life because I am surrounded by concrete and it doesn't feel very natural to me.
I say... be selfish! Take as much time as you need to get to the bottom of those feelings for you and don't feel ashamed by it. Keep digging :)
Good post! ;)
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WP,
MLC is about NOT facing issues. IMHO, that's all you need to know to prevent your own MLC.
I've had those "running" thoughts but not the reconnection thoughts. I have no desire to go backwards...my intention was to go forward and in a different direction.
You may be transitioning but you know that isn't the same as MLC. My advice is to first face your fears, your problems, your past issues and take the time to do that as StarGazerGirl said. That isn't selfish...provided you don't lay waste to everyone around you as an MLCer would, or, romanticize your youth or young woman days...
My other advice is if you have these feelings, find something new...a hobby, travel, whatever.
Maybe donate time to help others that are less fortunate for a perspective check...
Bon
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WP,
MLC is about NOT facing issues. IMHO, that's all you need to know to prevent your own MLC.
I agree. There is a big difference between facing those buried, difficult issues and running from them.
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I have felt this way too. I wanted to run away. I feel like I was tested recently when I found out my first love got divorced. Boy did I want to call him. I was daydreaming of running into him. But, ya know, I think I have too much empathy for others to self destruct and hurt the people around me, even can't hurt my H that way. I saw his face when he heard my xboyfriend was getting divorced..it was a look of worry. I also think that this makes us examine every aspect of our lives and don't we all ask through this crisis Is this all there is? Is this what my life is going to be like? I think it's normal to feel on the edge of our own crisis...afterall we too are in crisis. But I also feel with knowledge comes power..power to see that these feelings are not permanant. By educating ourselves about MLC I think it will help guide us through our transitions when the time comes.
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Wondering's quote:
"By educating ourselves about MLC I think it will help guide us through our transitions when the time comes."
Could not agree more. I think we know too much to let it turn into the ugly crisis we've been subjected to by our spouses. I don't think our spouses knew exactly what was happening to them hence thier inability to recognize it and deal. That isn't an excuse for them by the way...but I think we here are too knowledgeable about the signs and behavoirs. I would rather grow pink and purple polka dots on my face than to be known as an MLCer.
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This is where I get stuck on the "MLC" language. What charecterizes most MLCers is not the "crisis" but the lack of "coping." And it's not just depression, either, in most cases, because that would look more like MLT--but I do think there are a couple people in here who have low energy spouses who kind of mope around aimlessly with no real outward poor behavior--they may be more MLTers than MLCers--not to minimize their struggles at all.
It is the running and hiding that causes all the problems--the sudden need to turn over their lives, and everyone else's, as a result. I am very close to an interesting situation right now. A long-term bad marriage, H always was somewhat abusive. W decides to leave, as a result, I think of an MLT, borderline MLC. He has been fully pitched into MLC by her leaving. He is having an office affair, spending like crazy, went total monster... Rather than look "inside" for the reasons for the breakdown of his marriage, he went berserk and decided to "fix" everything on the outside.
So, I think that if any of us were prone to a full blown "MLC" we would be there because we are ALL in CRISIS. But we are dealing with it--we spend countless hours on here, constantly being reminded that is it not about us and we can't FIX it, we reach out and get therapy and friends... I am pretty sure most of us are pretty safe--no guarantees, but just MHO...
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Wow, I had no idea so many other LBS were experiencing the same thing! I also feel that it has given me sympathy for my H. When I mention feelings I am having like wanting to RUN, examining FOO issues or cutting unhealthy relationships out of my life, H nods in understanding and agreement. In many ways I get it, oh too well. But it is not pleasant to feel out of control of one's self. That is the part that scares me. I have experienced it in the past with anxiety/panic issues and it has caused me to run fast and hard. Although, looking back, I was running from situations that were unhealthy or overwhelming for me. But there was definite fallout for the people left behind.
On the plus side, it has helped me to detach from H and his issues, as there is now a strong need to focus on ME. Although frankly it is good to just get out of my head in general now no matter what the focus, stop obsessing, and just do something physical and/or nurturing for me. I also, don't get so hung up on the "MLC language" or the differences between MLC, MLT, or just a general crisis or transition. There are similarities throughout with varying degrees of intensity and of course how individuals choose to react to the experience.
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For people who are worrying that you may be on the verge of having an MLC of your own…
* We've all been bombed by our spouses; told they don't love us, or never loved us. They could be threatening us with divorce, or have filed and pushing along full steam ahead.
* They may be having an EA or a physical affair. Maybe they've moved out to be with their "one true love", or because they can't handle being around us because we make them feel guilty.
* Their Replay antics could be running up an immense tab financially and wrecking their credit or their careers, while we have to sit by and make sure the damage doesn't spill onto us.
* They could be drinking, doing drugs, gambling, sleeping around, or any number of self-destructive behaviors.
* They may be lying about what they're doing, what they're spending money on, or who they're spending time with.
* Our friends may be telling us to dump them, or that they're not worth it, or that we're being suckers or gullible or clingy.
* Our family may be angry at our spouses on our behalf; their family may be angry with us to stuff we may or may not have done.
* Many of us have kids who are dragged into the middle of this, not understanding why one of their parents left, or why we fight all of the time, or why we are sad/depressed/angry.
And you think you MAY be having a crisis? :o
If you think you're having trouble coping with everything, I would suggest talking to a therapist or a counselor. I did for about 6-8 months, in addition to a minister at my local church (whom I'm still meeting with).
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YEP! ESPECIALLY when I am sleep deprived and stressed out..LIKE I AM TODAY!!! Oh Joy ::)
Running is VERY strong
Now WP doesn't it make you feel better to know you're NOT alone??? :oIt does me!!! ;D ;D
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Now WP doesn't it make you feel better to know you're NOT alone??? :oIt does me!!! ;D ;D
It doesn't necessarily make me feel better. But it really does surprise me! Obviously, all LBS are going through a crisis, but I did not expect to see so many who were experiencing what would be construed as classic MLC symptoms while doing so.
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Well I think SS last post really does explain it.
In short: How do your have your whole world basicaly blow up in your face and NOT be thrown into a crisis of your own?? :o
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Short answer: By coming here!! ;D
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I guess I want to specify a difference between the crisis experience of being a LBS who is BD, and having a personal MLC or a transition with MLC symptoms. For me, they are two separate things. One is a relationship crisis, and the other is more of an existential crisis. Perhaps the MLC/transition symptoms were triggered by the original BD, but the symptoms and issues are not about my H at all. They are about ME and MY issues up to this point in time.
What I mean, when BD happened 20 months ago, I fell into deep crisis/survival mode. But it all centered around my R and my H. Not until probably 14-16 months later did I start to experience running/replay tendencies and urges. While doing so, they weren't about my H at all. Frankly I didn't want to think about him at all while they were happening, and just wanted to focus on myself. Just like the crisis experience of job loss or a parent's death can often trigger the start of a MLC for our MLCers, my thoughts are that my H's MLC may have triggered the start of a MLC/MLT in myself. Make sense? I am not saying I am necessarily going to run out and act out all the crazy impulses I am having, but the impulses are there.
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See, while I think I'm having a crisis because of MLC..I don't see myself exhibiting the signs. I have the thoughts, fantasies of running away or finding another partner, etc., I have not and can tell I will not act on any of them. Well occaisionally I spend too much in retail therapy but thats it :D. I think thats a big difference between us and them. They don't feel in control of themselves. While I might not be in control of what is happening to me and I am mostly in control of what I do about it. I guess that's why therapy can work for us but rarely for them. Awareness is power.
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Awareness is power.
Ekhart Tolle talks about this in the video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CJ2TUtQvJo) I posted earlier. Starting at 54:54 - on. In fact, I think this video is very relevant to the topic. :D
This is another way I learn to cope. I look up videos like this and listen to them when I can. :)
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Well it does make sense that first off one must be willing to face one's own issues. And then, once the MLC/MLT has started, the only way out is through. Perhaps, then, the feelings and impulses themselves are actually quite common? I was under the impression that they were MLC specific, which is what was causing my concern.
So ideally then, with a focus on awareness throughout the process, one can hopefully avert a crisis state, although one will still need to process fully through and complete the transition. I liken it to St. John of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul or the traditional Journey to the Underworld found in myths worldwide (Odysseus, Orpheus, Inanna, etc.)
Star, I agree that nature is sooooo healing on so many levels. Animals and plants help me so much. And my best personal therapy is still a good workout. Thanks for the Tolle link- I love stuff like that! While in college I did quite a bit of undergrad and graduate level crossover study in the fields of psychology, psychotherapy, spirituality, mythology and world religions, as well as reading and researching constantly on my own. It all ties together for me on so many levels. Really very fascinating stuff. :)
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I believe we have been given MULTIPLE chances in life to make aright, the things that are out of balance.... out of our understanding... if we DON'T, or we don't SEE the signs, the
angels" sent to guide us, then we cannot avoid a transition or crisis of some sort. I know from personal experience, that while in the transition, one cannot be reasoned with... the feelings are real... so I can only IMAGNE how paranoid my MLCer really is... hard to feel compassion for him in his selfishness, though.... but I understand it on a deeper level that is not personal, but that I have personally experienced.
Once again, I feel ROBBED.... because when I was in my transition... no one cared enough to even TRY to sit me down... not that I remember... it was more of a rejection of my bad behavior.... and yet HERE I AM, more knowlegable... more COMPASSIONATE and more WILLING to see this thing through..... I FEEL ROBBED!!
So, back to the drawing board and listing all the blessing I am grateful for, including the gift of ENLIGHTENMENT!!
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Interesting topic ... and I understand what LG means about feeling robbed! I too feel that I went through a difficult transition ... after giving birth to twins, leaving my career, moving house, and having my parents' health failing, I felt like running away from it all on many occasions, but at the time my H had no understanding of my feelings, he thought I should have been the happiest woman in the world.
He has talked about that time quite recently, and says he just didn't understand then how I could be feeling low, as I had everything I wanted ... a lovely house, children, a good husband. I think he understands more now, and I do think he is grateful that I understand his feelings. I can't remember being generally selfish then, but I know I didn't give my H the love he needed then, my time, and my emotional energy was given to my babies and my parents. I somehow thought he should understand ... but he didn't, and he became resentful .... I think that's when our problems started, as I admit I too resented his lack of understanding.
As for running now ... having teenagers can make you want to scream, hibernate, and tear your hair out at times, and yes sometimes I do feel trapped ... but I could NEVER run and leave them, NEVER and I am absolutely 100% sure of that. In a few years they will be leaving ... then I will have my time again. With H or without him ... at the moment its his choice. But yes LG I kind of feel robbed too.
xxxxx
xxxxx
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Syn,
You may not remember, especially if it happened between 3 and 7 years old. That's a sign if PTSD in that our memories can become very clouded. Be wary of false memories though, and also "vicarious traumatizations.". Often we subconsciously take on the pain of what others have gone through.
Add me to the list if people who worry about this, although I don't feel I'm high risk personality-wise. I could be wrong, though.
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Thanks Thundarr,
I really felt that "something" happened when I was young...I have such a horrible memory..litterally large amounts of blanks.
I don't remember ANYTHING until I was in 2nd grade. but even that is blurry. The reason I feel like something happened is because I had "fears" of being trapped...for instance..and this may sound strange, but when I go to a restaurant I cant sit in a booth if I cant be on the end...you know, being trapped?? ( hope that makes sense)
also, when I was in second grade...I was walking through our town HIghschool...( by myself) ugh! and a man exposed himself to me and I ran like there was no tomorrow, but I felt trapped behind the fences and he kept following me. maybe it comes from that?? I don't know..But I do worry that it may surface later and I freak out! MLC isn't fun!! argh!
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Star, I agree that nature is sooooo healing on so many levels. Animals and plants help me so much. And my best personal therapy is still a good workout. Thanks for the Tolle link- I love stuff like that! While in college I did quite a bit of undergrad and graduate level crossover study in the fields of psychology, psychotherapy, spirituality, mythology and world religions, as well as reading and researching constantly on my own. It all ties together for me on so many levels. Really very fascinating stuff. :)
No Problem! I find it all very interesting as well. :)
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I felt robbed twice in my life....always at the hands of what other people did to me.
The first time was my ex fiance...the liar and cheater robbed me of seven years that were all a big, fat lie. I was devoted and helpful to him and he screwed me but good. THAT made me feel robbed.
So we parted and I nearly destroyed myself. I was so hurt at the time. I acted out, with selfishness and blindness and I didn't hurt anyone else but came very close. I felt justified to do whatever I wanted because I had been hurt, too many times, and too severly. In a word, I was having one hell of a tantrum that lasted a few years. It is an ugly chapter in my life that I'd just soon forget. Again, I never hurt anyone...but I could have...(emotionally I mean). I guess physically too since I was drinking alot and driving. What an ass I was. I would get drunk, go to my apartment, fall into a fetal position and cry to God as to why I was being robbed of a happy life.
I finally realized it was because of the choices I made...not someone else....and it was time to step up and get the hell over myself. I'd like to forget my actions but I won't forget the lesson.
This time around, dealing with H's MLC, I felt robbed too...but robbed of the security and trust I had. I think that's normal. But I don't really feel that all that intensely anymore. And I don't blame God this time, on the contrary. I blame my H. But I hope that forgiveness will come and he robbed himself worse than he robbed me. He had it all...he doesn't now and maybe he will again but not without alot of work. In the mean time, I made a concious decision not to act out, not to make myself feel better for a few seconds by being an ass to match H's ass-ness (not a word...I know).
I have found that living with, and reading about, MLCers selfishness has become so repugnant to me, so intensely distasteful, I will carry that wisdom with me forever. Life is not about me...not even my own life. I can take time for me and do things for myself but the minute I think its all about ME, I'm no better than an MLCer. It time to pay it foward because no matter what I've been through, I've got an awful lot. There are days when my feelings are just about myself but I'm still trying to help others, to love my family and my dog and yes, my H as well. I guess I've learned alot...that's good.
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This time around, dealing with H's MLC, I felt robbed too...but robbed of the security and trust I had. I think that's normal. But I don't really feel that all that intensely anymore. And I don't blame God this time, on the contrary. I blame my H. But I hope that forgiveness will come and he robbed himself worse than he robbed me. He had it all...he doesn't now and maybe he will again but not without alot of work. In the mean time, I made a concious decision not to act out, not to make myself feel better for a few seconds by being an ass to match H's ass-ness (not a word...I know).
I think you meant a$$itude.
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WP,
Good topic here, it helps me realize that I was MLT/MLC for almost 3 years at least, before I helped push my wife away into her MLT/MLC. 6 years later when I discovered what I thought was an EA that my W was having with her ex h, was the point I finally figured something was wrong, real wrong. I new we were struggling but this was the straw that broke me. I have been trying to correct and fix within me since discovering EA.
I think my W was on the brink of MLC when I discovered her EA. This I think was our turning point. MLT/MLC is not something that is easily fixed I can say that for sure. As we hear all the time, we need time to fix or heal ourselves and we can only hope our spouse is doing the same. The sad part is we can not show them what we are learning so it is hard to know where they are in this journey, though I am tempted to talk about transition with my W.
For the last couple of years I have been trying to put this all on my W. Even while I was working on me I put most of the blame on her. How dumb can one be, it takes two to tango!
Hfb
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The sad part is we can not show them what we are learning so it is hard to know where they are in this journey, though I am tempted to talk about transition with my W.
So true. I try to send him the information telepathically. ;)
Oh, one other way that just popped into my head, is that I avoid things like FB, and all those gossip shows like TMZ.;) Does that count? I think it helps to limit the mind-pollution.:)
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Interesting topic WP.
I think I transitioned during the course of the past few years. Have to admit I considered getting in touch with my past boyfriends. Phoned one, and listened to his voice on his answerphone, but didn't pursue anything. I know he always pined for me. Told my girlfriends, he was devastated when I met my now H, and decided to end our R.
Looked up other ex Boyfriends on FB, but didn't ask to become friends.
Can't say I ever once considered running away at that time. Would NEVER desert my kids.
My H didn't seem to notice my transition at all.
I spent a lot of time alone, thinking about things from the past and looking inwards.
The running thoughts only came when my H threw our family into crisis. I still have them. I am so sick of this rubbish. I'd love to leave, but would definitely take my kids.
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Once again, I feel ROBBED.... because when I was in my transition... no one cared enough to even TRY to sit me down... not that I remember... it was more of a rejection of my bad behavior.... and yet HERE I AM, more knowlegable... more COMPASSIONATE and more WILLING to see this thing through..... I FEEL ROBBED!!
I feel this way but it wasn't during the ea had many years ago, It was due to a psychotic break after taking Chantix. My whole family abandonded me. Including my daughters. ExH kept yelling he was going to divorce me. I sat for days crying for no reason and terrified to even leave the house.
I got no understanding or tenderness. No one held me or tried to talk to me or anything. I suffered for two months before it dawned on someone to take me to a doctor.
I remember thinking to myself when I identified his MLC:
"F him- he didn't give a sh!t about me when I needed him the most"
But found I couldn't watch a human being I spent 30 years of my life with succeed in devastating whatever we had together and destroy our family.
I have had some success; but I am divorced.
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Oh InThis, That Chantix causes depression. One guy who took it was gonna jump off the bridge. I feel so badly that happened to you. These drugs they put out there ::) it blocks the receptors in the brain that makes a cigarette feel good to you. Now we find out it's doing other things as well. Glad you came through. Hugs!! hijack concluded :P
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The "key" to navigating successfully through the Transition that has been triggered by your spouse's MLC; is facing ALL issues head on; NO running away. The only way out is through.
I've been there, too..and I've described this quite a few times in regards to myself..I spent 7 1/2 years; and I was in that long because my husband was doing his best to try and "yank" me out; and he was slowing me down.
During that time I gained a even deeper insight into what he'd faced; only this was ME facing; NOT him.
There were many aspects I learned from my own Transition that I passed along.
I also found myself going the through the same journey to wholeness and healing, but from a DIFFERENT aspect than before, one that involved ME as an individual; not so much my husband; HE was but one of my many issues that I had to work out within myself.
The urge to run, the temptation for something different, the anger, the agitation, the brain fog, the emotional pain, even the rousing chorus that were the children of my issues, of which these were many; all of the aspects I faced within myself weren't any different than a typical MLC'er.
I'd been traumatized, abused in many ways, not to mention having continued a pattern of emotional abuse into my marriage when I married a man just like my Dad.
I've gone through emotional healing three times; once in my mid twenties, again in my early thirties, and one more time when I was finishing my Transition.
Each time, my memories went from clear to non existent.
Except for the blasted MLC, LOL!! I went through a restoration of memories of that time, only; so I could help others for a period of time.
Otherwise, I remember various things as "facts" but the emotional memories don't exist for me anymore....I healed completely from those.
That is why I say I don't suffer any ill effects from what I've endured through...when I need a memory, it's there for the taking; like a cherry or apple tree.
FACE IT ALL the ONE time; and do it thoroughly; it is the ONLY way you won't have to face recurring cycles of Transition.
I do NOT face recurring cycles of Transition; I got it ALL the FIRST time around. It was the one thing I was told when I found myself in Transition; and wanted out..and this was not to be.
I was seriously told that in order to come out, I would have face it ALL; process it all, and eventually heal from it all; settling it all within me for good.
There were times the Lord would bring me an issue, I would look at it, and look at Him(figuratively), but say nothing for a time. NO, I did NOT want to do this; but He would ask me about beginning to face it, so I could work through it.
I had a LOT to face from childhood, AND from young adulthood, plus, I traveled through the highlights of each issue, including my marriage.
It's a necessary part of our growth; as long as you have issues to face, you will cycle through bouts of Transition; so it's better to get it ALL the first time.
Apply this to what's been said about the MLC'er; it's NOT that different for you...it wasn't that different for me, either.
I hope this helps.
As each person is different each Transition is going to be different; what one will face will NOT be what another will face; each person's upbringing/issues/problems are never the same although you may see deep similarities within.
Your MLC'er, for what it's worth, started their journey as a TRANSITION; how they responded/reacted to what was happening and them choosing to run from it, was what caused it to become a CRISIS.
Food for thought.
Love,
HB