Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: willitgetbetter on February 02, 2012, 11:43:31 AM
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Has anyone noticed a difference in circumstances between a spouse who admits the affair and one who denies it to the end? Seems like most MLC spouses talked about on here admit that there is an OW/OM right away or eventually. Rarely see where, like mine, they deny it even after being confronted and shown proof, and still even after a divorce filing Wondering if this admission vs. denial makes a difference in how they deal with their MLC and the marriage, and its effect on how it turns out in the end.
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Part of admitting versus denying is about how the LBS responds.
Sweetheart self-disclosed the affair before it became physical. That is rare--only 6 or 7% self-disclose.
Some are caught between the sheets or sending compromising messages that are concrete evidence of sex.
Some are outed by others.
Many move in with the alienator--few (if any) try and claim they are just roommates.
Though Sweetheart self-disclosed, once the affair became physical he denied it. But his denial failed. Why? Because of how I responded. I refused to accept his denial. I acted like I knew with certainty. I told him I didn't have stupid stamped across my forehead. I seemed so certain that he thought I was having him followed or had some sort of solide evidence that would hold up in court. Nope, I just acted like I did. He kept asking me for my sources and I told him that was my business. Now he bought it, but I think most would be a bit more skeptical and try to get you to cave.
What I did was end the discussions. I knew he was having an affair. He knew he was having an affair. So there was no need to deny the obvious. And it was beyond obvious.
- He introduced her to his parents, she was wearing an engagement ring.
- He told me I would know when they started a physical relationship because he would stop being physical with me. It was uncanny how obvious the energy shift was at that time.
- During a conversation he told me if we were to have sex again he'd have to be tested. Then denied he was having a physical affair in his next sentence. ::) I recorderd that conversation.
The we're just friends defense he tried to use later during the times he was home also didn't work on me because I refused to accept them and he knew that she was off-limites even as a friend. Any contact with her (other than weird coincedences) was betrayal.
Sweetheart was pretty gullible, so it was not as hard for him to accept me as credible as it will be with others.
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Part of admitting versus denying is about how the LBS responds.
Sweetheart self-disclosed the affair before it became physical. That is rare--only 6 or 7% self-disclose.
Some are caught between the sheets or sending compromising messages that are concrete evidence of sex.
Some are outed by others.
Many move in with the alienator--few (if any) try and claim they are just roommates.
Though Sweetheart self-disclosed, once the affair became physical he denied it. But his denial failed. Why? Because of how I responded. I refused to accept his denial. I acted like I knew with certainty. I told him I didn't have stupid stamped across my forehead. I seemed so certain that he thought I was having him followed or had some sort of solide evidence that would hold up in court. Nope, I just acted like I did. He kept asking me for my sources and I told him that was my business. Now he bought it, but I think most would be a bit more skeptical and try to get you to cave.
What I did was end the discussions. I knew he was having an affair. He knew he was having an affair. So there was no need to deny the obvious. And it was beyond obvious.
- He introduced her to his parents, she was wearing an engagement ring.
- He told me I would know when they started a physical relationship because he would stop being physical with me. It was uncanny how obvious the energy shift was at that time.
- During a conversation he told me if we were to have sex again he'd have to be tested. Then denied he was having a physical affair in his next sentence. ::) I recorderd that conversation.
The we're just friends defense he tried to use later during the times he was home also didn't work on me because I refused to accept them and he knew that she was off-limites even as a friend. Any contact with her (other than weird coincedences) was betrayal.
Sweetheart was pretty gullible, so it was not as hard for him to accept me as credible as it will be with others.
He knows I have proof too. Its not of the words but the amount of time they spoke and knew of pictures that he took of our home, including our BEDROOM (why? such a violation of privacy I am disgusted), and sent them to her. He was amazed that I even knew about them. Thinks I tapped his phone. But despite ALL of that, he still denies it. I think even if I had a photo of them having sex he would say it wasn't him. I really don't understand the point of denying it given what I have and the fact that I already filed for divorce. Why not just tell the truth now? Instead he is going around telling people I accused him of it and he didn't do it, is innocent. Maybe he has no intentions of staying with her so why admit it? Or he is afraid that I will definitely shut the door on reconciliation since I already filed for D without "absolute" proof or an admission.
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To add...he just repeats "Nothing happened" and "You don't have to get tested because I didn't do anything!!! So unless you did, you are fine, because you got nothing from me." In an older post of mine you had asked me if I knew for sure it went PA. (I sent you a PM with the link, you posed very good questions and I answered them in the thread)
I am pretty sure, due to amt of contact and fact that she lives near by. He is really adamant that nothing happened but he was out and about with her behind my back and with family so its not realistic for me to believe they were driving around together for hours, for weeks on end, and never had a PA. Agree?
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He is really adamant that nothing happened but he was out and about with her behind my back and with family so its not realistic for me to believe they were driving around together for hours, for weeks on end, and never had a PA. Agree?
As RCR says, it's possible that they could be completely honest about the level of contact, but it would be rare. One guideline that I heard is that adulterers will admit to a lesser degree of contact than what actually occurred.
If they are "just friends", it's likely to be an EA.
If they are "in love" but haven't been physical, then they've likely been physical (but not necessarily had sex; making out, getting to third base, what have you.)
If they have been physical but haven't had sex, then they've probably had sex.
But MLCers are funny. He could be choosing to wait until the divorce is final before they sleep together because, in his mind, it's not cheating or being unfaithful if they're not having sex. :o Or she could insist on waiting until he is "free" to be with her.
There is no way to know for sure unless you catch them in the act, directly or indirectly. Or when you are discussing the affair at some point in the future.
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I agree and if you had sex with him at anytime since you knew he was with another..then get tested.
They lie, they lie, they lie.
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To add...he just repeats "Nothing happened" and "You don't have to get tested because I didn't do anything!!! So unless you did, you are fine, because you got nothing from me."
The easiest way to nip that in the bud is to get yourself tested NOW. That way, if he turns out to have caught something, it'll be pretty clear where he didn't get it from.
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My H was working out of town and living with OW for 3 weeks before he told me he was IN LOVE with the best thing that ever happened to him and was leaving me...and he did, moved out for 6 months.
He only hid it for that 3 weeks....but after that, he told me pratically EVERYTHING....He wasnt SHY! argh!
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My H was going to wait 3 months after moving out before he told us about OW. I found out 10 days after he left via a text sent to me in 'error'. I'm sure he wanted to pass her off as an R that started AFTER he left us.
He has stated twice that he hasn't lived with her (still has his own place) but only been there 2 nights ???.
What doesn't support that statement is that many of his clothes and belongings are at OW's. He told me he felt his new bed was so much more comfortable than the one we had (which is why he didn't come and collect it). Where is that bed? You guessed it - at OW's
Do I believe him? NO WAY.
Does it matter either way? NO. Whether he had his PA there or at his place and whether it was 2 nights or 7 nights a week. I don't care. It's all the same adultery, betrayal and abandonment however many times or where ever he does it.
It doesn't make it better for the kids and I.
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Yes. I think mine wanted to act like he reconnected with his OW after leaving so he'd look like an ok guy. Well I spoiled that and whatever image he thought she was going to have with his family because they all know she is a homewrecker and 2 of his siblings and their spouses have banned her from their homes and want nothing to do with her. Love that she prob know that, because I'm sure she's asked to come by. Only people who entertain her is his mom and one sister. Disappointing but I'm closer with the ones who banned her anyway and am still considered by them to be their "sister". Love them for their support.
Problem for him too now is that since he's denied it still, by bringing her around as his girlfriend now he will prove I was right AND more importantly that he did in fact lie to everyone. Lol.
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Hmm...
My H was very willing to tell me about the OW and their physical affair when he was ready, at BD. He was so infatuated with her and repulsed by me.
That's not to say he didn't tell lies about the extent of the affair. At first he lied that he had unprotected sex with her and with me, but that lie was really just laughably transparent, when he explained that she couldn't get pregnant because she's too old. Not because he was using protection, but because she is too old.
And I'm convinced he lied about when he met her and how long and to what extent their meetings occurred, but all that is water under the bridge and I frankly know all I need to know--enough that in my case, the game is over. I have no respect for the man.
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My W denied, denied, denied, then one day I point blank asked and she admittd it, although she blamed me for it, but she admitted it none the less. I told her it was inevitable, she said the OM told her I would say that, What a crock, lets see, you tell your husband that you want to "explore your feelings for another man", you disapear off the face of the earth, you are with him all the time, hrrmmm maybe nothing was going to happen, is it possible?
I thinkl what surprised her is that I told her to start the divorce that she kept threatening me with. Oh well she made a choice, I feel sorry for her but we all have to live with our decisions.
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Looking back I saw ALL the signs and she lied of course. Finally she told me and that it was "over" with him but she was still running. I found out later on, it was not "over" and she stated they were just friends. I called BS and told her to pack up and go get him then if she wants the derelict lifestyle with her pos dirtbag. I convinced her that I saw their text messages is when she finally admitted to continuing it. Then of course in MLC textbook style, she changed to a different cell carrier. Now she complains that the cell carrier is sh*t! But I digress. I heard through the grapevine that he asked her to marry him but she said hell no. Well, at least she had some idea what was a BIT right. She knows what she will lose if this ever happens again...I won't be STANDING anymore.
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Affairing down for my W?
Look, I am not a snob. I grew up blue collar in construction, but boot-strapped myself through college, worked hard to become an expert in my profession and build a company over 25 years, and know the value of hard work and how to earn respect. I also maintain friends from all walks of life, so I've not forgotten my roots.
OM? Happy-go-lucky house painter. Actually has really good skills in this regard. However, he is consummate slacker. Spends most of the day stoned (he has a medical marijuana card, my W tells me she is now a caregiver to him which entitles her to walk out of a dispensary with up to 1.5 lbs of pot!!), shows up late for work (or not at all), has no motivation other than to play with his motorcycle and 60's muscle car. Never married. Never owned a home. Lived with his step mother for 10 years, then moved to live with his rich aunt & uncle for the past few years. 45 years old and he is a child. Perfect playmate for a MLC regressed woman reliving her youth without responsibility.
He also has major health issues in that he grows polyps by the dozens in his colon, has to get it scoped and have them snipped out every 6 months, constantly is getting all types of enemas to cleanse, has lost 1/2 his colon already (hence the pot card), and has a prognosis to not live more than 10 more years (his dad died of the same condition). TMI? Definitely, but you get the picture.
Now, I am not holding this guy's health issues against him, as it sounds awful. However, what is my W thinking? How can this person be the least bit attractive to her?
Oh, as I've mentioned often, he's either gay or bisexual, but closeted to all but his closest friends. As he is in the construction trade, he is paranoid about his fellow subcontractors finding out, and this is why he cannot even admit to me he is gay when questioned directly (I know several of his subcontractor colleagues and he thinks I well tell them - news flash, I have). There is circumstantial evidence to suggest he is gay. Good grief. W has admitted to having a PA with him which was quite upsetting in that we were actively intimate for part of this time. She has also recanted about the PA saying she told me this to get me to agree to the D. However, if so, the level of health risk she put me in is beyond belief. I've been tested and all is good, fortunately.
Anyway, all this is so extremely bizarre to me. It has been suggested to me that OM, being a gay dude, is actually a safe person in my W's eyes to provide emotional support. Maybe so. She is on her own journey, that's for sure.
From what little I can tell, he does not live with my W, but may stay at he place from time to time. He is a source of distraction for her, yet I know intellectually she needs much more. She is extremely well read, and quite articulate. I can never win an argument with her and seldom try. Even their friendship has to run some sort of course until she's finally just bored of his dullard interactions. While a jovial guy, he will not shut up when you talk to him, with one inane story running into the next. Most people end up making an excuse just to break free of this guy, who essentially is just a lonely, sad-sack person. That said, he is generally well liked among his colleagues. As my W has told me ... he would not hurt a fly. Really? He destroyed a family. How's that for hurt?
Affairing down? Yup.
Rider
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My H fully admitted to his affair, along with many details, before I asked him to leave the family home, which he did, like many of your MLC'ers with enthusiasm.
Interestingly, though, presumably because of the affair down, or because he is looking to garner sympathy from folks in our community, I have yet to see this lecherous woman, nor have I heard from anyone I know who has seen H out and about, that he was with her.
I think either he is ashamed of her, or taking great pains to separate his real life from his fantasy life.
But what would I know, he is a vanisher.
As Rider describes his wife's affair down, my H's MLC also certainly follows the script. My H has always been very frugal except when making major financial blunders, has always been very begrudging, has always encouraged me to work as much as possible except when blaming my work schedule for his affair ("You were always at work!") and now has a very uneducated and vapid (lordy...her FB page...) woman for a companion, one who has worked very little in spite of never having any children to care for. (Interesting to me just how many affair partners have no children, and how many MLCers take off when their own children hit late adolescence.) OW in my situation is an alcoholic by my H's description, and not a sober alcoholic, either. My H has always been very healthful--eats well, exercises almost fanatically. OW is not athletic, according to my H. Hmm... So, he doesn't bring her around. In effect, I see that as a lie to his community--our once-mutual friends. I don't know if it's calculated or not, but certainly people believe, just by observing us, that I am the bad guy here, at least until they are told the truth. Wonder when the unveiling will finally be? I know my children want nothing to do with OW, thank goodness.
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Cali ...
Sounds like we are in the same boat on the affair down characteristics such as our spouses being either embarrassed or ashamed to be seen or associated romantically with the OP.
My W has basically cut off all contact with her old mom's group friends from our town, except for one mom who was loosely considered her best friend (my W really was quite the loner, always seemed happy to spend time on her own, and I believe her life continues like this even today). My W has told me she's never once discussed OM with this woman and I believe it. BTW ... This woman and her H were our best couple friends, but they've cut off all contact with me. Who can blame them, as wants to be in the middle of a D? My W was always better friends with her, than me with him, so this cutting off is natural and to be expected.
Interesting, I was working out last week at the club when I ran into another dad who is friends with our couple friends, and he asked me how I was, told me he was sorry, thought we were always so good together, etc. Then he said ... "MLC, huh?" Further stated his sister went through something similar, but he did not expand on that. Then interestingly he asked me if the kids were going back and forth, or if the just lived with me. When I told him it was the latter, it seemed to confirm a suspicion he or others (our couple friends?)had. Hmmmmm?
The truth cannot be hid forever. As I've said, our actions do not go unnoticed. I did tell this man that I still loved my W, that she was going through a tough time, and that we all missed her. No mention of OM was made, and I would have refused to discuss it either way. Much too sordid and don't exactly enjoy airing my dirty laundry in public. Really, I am more embarrased for her than anything.
Just rambling ...
Rider
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OK, found this post. How long have you been on here? If theres another post I can't seem to find it. Just was looking for some history. Still not sure is your h home?
C
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Hi Confused,
The bulk of my sitch is here:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2077.0
Thank you for caring enough to look.
Hugs.