[willitgetbetter]

Has anyone noticed a difference in circumstances between a spouse who admits the affair and one who denies it to the end? Seems like most MLC spouses talked about on here admit that there is an OW/OM right away or eventually. Rarely see where, like mine, they deny it even after being confronted and shown proof, and still even after a divorce filing Wondering if this admission vs. denial makes a difference in how they deal with their MLC and the marriage, and its effect on how it turns out in the end.

[Rollercoasterider]

Part of admitting versus denying is about how the LBS responds.

Sweetheart self-disclosed the affair before it became physical. That is rare--only 6 or 7% self-disclose.
Some are caught between the sheets or sending compromising messages that are concrete evidence of sex.
Some are outed by others.
Many move  in with the alienator--few (if any) try and claim they are just roommates.

Though Sweetheart self-disclosed, once the affair became physical he denied it. But his denial failed. Why? Because of how I responded. I refused to accept his denial. I acted like I knew with certainty. I told him I didn't have stupid stamped across my forehead. I seemed so certain that he thought I was having him followed or had some sort of solide evidence that would hold up in court. Nope, I just acted like I did. He kept asking me for my sources and I told him that was my business. Now he bought it, but I think most would be a bit more skeptical and try to get you to cave.

What I did was end the discussions. I knew he was having an affair. He knew he was having an affair. So there was no need to deny the obvious. And it was beyond obvious.
 

• He introduced her to his parents, she was wearing an engagement ring.
• He told me I would know when they started a physical relationship because he would stop being physical with me. It was uncanny how obvious the energy shift was at that time.
• During a conversation he told me if we were to have sex again he'd have to be tested. Then denied he was having a physical affair in his next sentence.    I recorderd that conversation.

The we're just friends defense he tried to use later during the times he was home also didn't work on me because I refused to accept them and he knew that she was off-limites even as a friend. Any contact with her (other than weird coincedences) was betrayal.

Sweetheart was pretty gullible, so it was not as hard for him to accept me as credible as it will be with others.

[willitgetbetter]

Part of admitting versus denying is about how the LBS responds.

Sweetheart self-disclosed the affair before it became physical. That is rare--only 6 or 7% self-disclose.
Some are caught between the sheets or sending compromising messages that are concrete evidence of sex.
Some are outed by others.
Many move  in with the alienator--few (if any) try and claim they are just roommates.

Though Sweetheart self-disclosed, once the affair became physical he denied it. But his denial failed. Why? Because of how I responded. I refused to accept his denial. I acted like I knew with certainty. I told him I didn't have stupid stamped across my forehead. I seemed so certain that he thought I was having him followed or had some sort of solide evidence that would hold up in court. Nope, I just acted like I did. He kept asking me for my sources and I told him that was my business. Now he bought it, but I think most would be a bit more skeptical and try to get you to cave.

What I did was end the discussions. I knew he was having an affair. He knew he was having an affair. So there was no need to deny the obvious. And it was beyond obvious.
 

• He introduced her to his parents, she was wearing an engagement ring.
• He told me I would know when they started a physical relationship because he would stop being physical with me. It was uncanny how obvious the energy shift was at that time.
• During a conversation he told me if we were to have sex again he'd have to be tested. Then denied he was having a physical affair in his next sentence.    I recorderd that conversation.

The we're just friends defense he tried to use later during the times he was home also didn't work on me because I refused to accept them and he knew that she was off-limites even as a friend. Any contact with her (other than weird coincedences) was betrayal.

Sweetheart was pretty gullible, so it was not as hard for him to accept me as credible as it will be with others.

He knows I have proof too. Its not of the words but the amount of time they spoke and knew of pictures that he took of our home, including our BEDROOM (why? such a violation of privacy I am disgusted), and sent them to her. He was amazed that I even knew about them. Thinks I tapped his phone. But despite ALL of that, he still denies it. I think even if I had a photo of them having sex he would say it wasn't him. I really don't understand the point of denying it given what I have and the fact that I already filed for divorce. Why not just tell the truth now? Instead he is going around telling people I accused him of it and he didn't do it, is innocent. Maybe he has no intentions of staying with her so why admit it? Or he is afraid that I will definitely shut the door on reconciliation since I already filed for D without "absolute" proof or an admission.

[willitgetbetter]

To add...he just repeats "Nothing happened" and "You don't have to get tested because I didn't do anything!!! So unless you did, you are fine, because you got nothing from me." In an older post of mine you had asked me if I knew for sure it went PA. (I sent you a PM with the link, you posed very good questions and I answered them in the thread)

I am pretty sure, due to amt of contact and fact that she lives near by. He is really adamant that nothing happened but he was out and about with her behind my back and with family so its not realistic for me to believe they were driving around together for hours, for weeks on end, and never had a PA. Agree?

[StillStanding]

He is really adamant that nothing happened but he was out and about with her behind my back and with family so its not realistic for me to believe they were driving around together for hours, for weeks on end, and never had a PA. Agree?

As RCR says, it's possible that they could be completely honest about the level of contact, but it would be rare. One guideline that I heard is that adulterers will admit to a lesser degree of contact than what actually occurred.

If they are "just friends", it's likely to be an EA.
If they are "in love" but haven't been physical, then they've likely been physical (but not necessarily had sex; making out, getting to third base, what have you.)
If they have been physical but haven't had sex, then they've probably had sex.

But MLCers are funny. He could be choosing to wait until the divorce is final before they sleep together because, in his mind, it's not cheating or being unfaithful if they're not having sex. Or she could insist on waiting until he is "free" to be with her.

There is no way to know for sure unless you catch them in the act, directly or indirectly. Or when you are discussing the affair at some point in the future.

[xyzcf]

I agree and if you had sex with him at anytime since you knew he was with another..then get tested.

They lie, they lie, they lie.

[StillStanding]

To add...he just repeats "Nothing happened" and "You don't have to get tested because I didn't do anything!!! So unless you did, you are fine, because you got nothing from me."

The easiest way to nip that in the bud is to get yourself tested NOW. That way, if he turns out to have caught something, it'll be pretty clear where he didn't get it from.

[Synicca]

My H was working out of town and living with OW for 3 weeks before he told me he was IN LOVE with the best thing that ever happened to him and was leaving me...and he did, moved out for 6 months.

He only hid it for that 3 weeks....but after that, he told me pratically EVERYTHING....He wasnt SHY! argh!

[Stillpraying]

My H was going to wait 3 months after moving out before he told us about OW.  I found out 10 days after he left via a text sent to me in 'error'.  I'm sure he wanted to pass her off as an R that started AFTER he left us.

He has stated twice that he hasn't lived with her (still has his own place) but only been there 2 nights .
What doesn't support that statement is that many of his clothes and belongings are at OW's.  He told me he felt his new bed was so much more comfortable than the one we had (which is why he didn't come and collect it).  Where is that bed?  You guessed it - at OW's

Do I believe him?  NO WAY.
Does it matter either way?  NO.  Whether he had his PA there or at his place and whether it was 2 nights or 7 nights a week.  I don't care.  It's all the same adultery, betrayal and abandonment however many times or where ever he does it.

It doesn't make it better for the kids and I.

[willitgetbetter]

Yes. I think mine wanted to act like he reconnected with his OW after leaving so he'd look like an ok guy. Well I spoiled that and whatever image he thought she was going to have with his family because they all know she is a homewrecker and 2 of his siblings and their spouses have banned her from their homes and want nothing to do with her. Love that she prob know that, because I'm sure she's asked to come by. Only people who entertain her is his mom and one sister. Disappointing but I'm closer with the ones who banned her anyway and am still considered by them to be their "sister". Love them for their support.

Problem for him too now is that since he's denied it still, by bringing her around as his girlfriend now he will prove I was right AND more importantly that he did in fact lie to everyone. Lol.