Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Moving Forward on February 13, 2012, 10:16:57 AM
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hello all,
part of my healing has been in the search of a better me - removal of the old detritus and replacing old negative behaviours with positive new ones. I subscribe to a site which sends you 'daily devotionals' and today's got me thinking.....
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
In life, the difficult periods are the best periods to gain experience and shore up determination. As a result, my mental status is much improved because of them.
--The Dalai Lama
Life is a process of meeting and solving problems. Solving problems is a way that we test and develop our spiritual muscle. Think of outstanding people such as Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Helen Keller. Lincoln faced the problem of a divided country; Gandhi, an oppressed India; Keller, her personal handicaps. In rising to meet their vision, courage, fortitude, and compassion, they became great - not in spite of, but because of their problems.
Problems often come to us in the form of crisis. The Chinese glyph for the word crisis contains two symbols; one means danger and the other opportunity. When an obstacle is before you, use it to create a beneficial result. As with Lincoln, Gandhi, and Keller, let your problems bring out your greatness.
Rather than pray for a life that is problem-free, ask for one that is solution-full. Instead of requesting that God remove the mountain before you, seek the strength to climb it. Remember that the best students always get the toughest problems. Love the problems you have, and their priceless gifts will be yours.
There hs been some activity on the Forum which questioned the point of standing and whether we should work on ourselves. There is still a huge focus on what the MLCers are doing ao I thought I would ask the LBS's here- at whatever stage in your journey - what have you become that you are proud of as a result of your MLC experience??
So here is my list:-
- I am less judgmental
I am more relaxed
I listen to people more
I trust my intuition more
I am calmer
I think before I speak
I am more compassionate
I am less angry
I am closer to my kids
I have developed closer relationships with key people in my life
I have boundaries of acceptable behaviour
So my challenge today is for you to share the new improved you with us all -wherever we are on our 'journey' (sorry for using THAT word) we can stop hiding our light under a bushel and share what is awesome about us!!
P
x
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Ohhh, I LOVE this topic!!! :D
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Wow Moving Forward, great thread.
I love your list and have all of that too as new.
I am less judgmental
I am more relaxed
I listen to people more
I trust my intuition more
I am calmer
I think before I speak
I am more compassionate
I am less angry
I am closer to my kids
I have developed closer relationships with key people in my life
I have boundaries of acceptable behaviour
I am more positive.
I do not yell.
I have more patience.
I am forgiving.
I like myself.
"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."
Winston Churchill
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I have to say that all of the above apply to me as well; I still have some things to work on, but on the whole I do think I am a better person.
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I am better because...
I live in the moment
I trust in God
I am closer to my daughter
I have discovered the joy of spending time with girlfriends
I am not afraid to be alone
I received help for my own battle with depression
I learned that happiness comes from within
I no longer feel the need to control people or situations
I love unconditionally
I am more relaxed
I understand the healing power of forgiveness
I am proud of who I am
I appreciate the importance of being real
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Hi Moving forward,
Your Idea is a good one my problem is I need to work on things in order to post on here
I have been thinking of something similar to do for us all that I think might help. It has been on my mind this last day with HB and RCR and a few others chiming in on the L2 thread. I think us guys really do not think we have too many issues that we need to work on. I have been thinking if we could make a list just as you are sharing your -- you are better list-- we do a --- things I could do to be better list---, I know my W has said that I have a lot of things I needed to do to better our relationship and I was completely oblivious to them and I am sure I have forgotten 1/2 of what she said. If we were to make a list I am sure it would be helpful for those who are not sure what they need to do. I am one of those people. Hfb
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- I am less judgmental of divorced women. ;)
- I have found that many of my best friends are now divorced women who are less judgmental of divorced women. ;) ;)
- I have new friends.
- I am thinner. :P
- I was able to force the sale of a huge economic liability (a "vacation" home I hated that lost hundreds of thousands and cost an arm and leg to maintain) that was wasting my income, like money down the faucet, so I'm economically freer.
- My children have an even greater respect for me than they used to. (But I'm concerned they worry unnecessarily about me.)
- My H raved about his OW's sense of adventure and he asked her to wear a dress for him in a text message I intercepted. I am more adventurous--in a dress, no less.
- I try to look hot when I leave the house. You just never know, right?
- I'm doing a fantastic job of keeping up with my skincare regimen.
- I think I'm going to be a better partner next time--more open about asking for help, asking for what I want, rather than letting him take charge or not take charge in which case I'm disappointed (less passive-aggressive?)
- I just got rid of the kind of guy who would bail on the kids and me for an alcoholic home-wrecker!
- I am excited about my future.
My goal is to become less reactive and angry, and this sure is good exercise. I'm looking forward to the day I can see and speak with my H without feeling like I want to pass out from anxiety. Would love to be able to see the OW some day and keep everything in totally perfect perspective--no reaction from me, just calm assertive energy. (I'll FAKE it for now!) 8)
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I am more patient.
I am more grateful.
I sing more.
I am braver- needle phobe who now gives auto injections every day.
I can make stove top expresso.
I am still loving.
I can separate a hang nail from a true crisis.
I can deal with a MS diagnosis because it is less of a blow than this whole mess has been.
I like myself.
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Can I hijack to say how proud I am of my LBS sisters right now?
Big Hugs!
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This is for Thundarr - he suggested reframing our thoughts in a post on 'The Hardest Part in this MLC Madness' thread.
Perhaps we are better at talking about the negatives rather than the positives in our situations??
((hugs)) to everyone
Px
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Great idea! Thundarr, re-read this thread. Hugs,
Sassy
PS: Modifying my list to add a few more . . . there are some positives that come out of this nightmare.
I am less judgmental
I am more relaxed
I listen to people more
I trust my intuition more
I am calmer
I think before I speak
I am more compassionate
I am less angry
I am closer to my kids
I have developed closer relationships with key people in my life
I have boundaries of acceptable behaviour
I am more positive.
I do not yell.
I have more patience.
I am forgiving.
I like myself.
I AM NOT CO-DEPENDENT ANY MORE!!!!!
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This is an awesome idea (thanks Thundarr). We should focus more on the positive side of this.......afterall, we have been given the gift of time.
Here's my list:
I have a closer relationship with God and growing stronger in faith each day.
I've always thought of myself as a strong woman......but am now even stronger.
I'm not afraid to try doing things on my own (mostly repairs). ha, ha.
I am more patient, compassionate, forgiving and understanding.
I know my love is unconditional.
I focus more on what others say............more listening and less talking.
I am less judgmental.
I've always known I'm responsible for my own happiness......this experience has strengthened my determination and taught me not to depend on another for my happiness.
I've learned to focus more on the positive and less on the negative.
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These are things that are better
I am more positive about things (not so critical)
I am more humble
I am more thankful for everything
I am closer to God and trust Him for everything
I am more economical
I think before I speak
I am fitter and thinner (and kept it off :))
I do not yell
I find happiness in small things
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Love this...the ying of the yang of what hurt us the most...
So my list of positives is:
I am far closer to God.
I am even more dedicated to helping animals (seems strange but is in part due to this drama).
I am capable of more forgiveness than I thought.
I proved that I am as committed as I always claimed I was.
When I am determined to do something, I now do it.
I am more mature than I was.
I am less afraid of what people think of me.
I am less afraid of what my husband thinks of me.
I am better at standing up for myself than I thought.
I like myself and that includes what some others might list as negative about me.
I know exactly who I am and exactly who I want to be...me!
Bon
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A couple for me:
I no longer let anxiety rule
I automatically look for and see good things every day -- I faked it until one day I found that I was doing it for real! Yes, it does work. And I say thank you automatically for so much in the same way.....
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Great topic.
I am able to control my OCD
I am more compassionate
I am a better listener
I have more patience (still need more work on that one)
I am less judgemental
I try to only fix my problems
I have given up my power and only control the things that pertain to me
I have found a filter for my mouth, I choose my words carefully
I don't say things that will hurt others out of anger
I do not yell or even raise my voice
I am thinner
I am calmer
I don't curse (as much):)
I am finding my happiness
C
C
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I surely hope this thread is read by all those in the early stages that feel the intense despair and shock...If I had to guess, I would guess most of us who have written never thought we would ever find these positive changes when we first landed here.
Hugs,
Bon
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I surely hope this thread is read by all those in the early stages that feel the intense despair and shock...If I had to guess, I would guess most of us who have written never thought we would ever find these positive changes when we first landed here.
Hugs,
Bon
Just came across this & I agree--those in early stages should read it. :)
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This is a great topic. Since my H's MLC
I am less afraid of everything
I have girlfriends!
I have my own social life!
I am closer to all my children, especially my youngest son
I listen more
I don't have to have all the answers to every problem in life anymore, it's ok to say I don't know
I got my sense of humor back
My blood pressure went down 30 points
I am much more spiritual
I pray more
I watch so much less TV and talk to friends instead
I'm more confident in myself and trust my gut
Apparently I must look more attractive- get alot of compliments
I am finding me
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Ohh, this is a wonderful topic. I am very early in the MLC timeline, in the grand scheme of things... but already have many things to be thankful for.
- I am stronger emotionally. I don't get crushed by H when he flares at me, I can't be controlled (or at least not as easily ::) ).
- I am stronger physically. Almost as strong as H, but who's counting? I'm pretty sure now I could climb a mountain without H - maybe I will one day!
- I've lost the weight that comes with 20 years of good living! ;D
- Used to be a little smug - had a kinda charmed life, and on some level must've thought I deserved it somehow. 'Nuff of that. I deserve neither the good nor the bad. It's not about deserving.
- I'm ok with being alone, doesn't terrify me. Used to.
- I've made my peace with not having children.
- Didn't know until now just how much love surrounds me. My family and friends are godsends, when I needed them they've dropped everything to help me - with practical necessities, and intangible horrors.
- Didn't know until now my capacity for love. Every time I look at H, my heart tugs. I can acknowledge how badly he hurt me, but still know how much he is worthy of love.
- Don't really have to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. No more drama queen. Discretion really is the better part of valour...
- I know it's ok to cry, to feel pain; but I'm becoming capable of waiting for the rainbow to come out without wondering where the sharp knives are kept.
- I can look inside of myself and find calm.
- Used to think I've accomplished what I had because of H; I'm beautiful because I see it in his eyes; I'm strong because he has my back. No. No more doubts. I'm strong; I'm beautiful (to whatever extent genetics and makeup allow!); I've accomplished. If H sees that, I'm glad; but it's not necessary.
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I'm calmer, much less reactive
I'm learning Spanish
I'm running a half marathon this weekend
I'm vegetarian now, and happy in that
Thinner, fitter
I sing and play guitar at mass in front of a couple of hundred people each week
I'm even closer to my sons - we play soccer, rock climb, swim, cycle, travel, board games, talk
Closer to my brothers, my dad
My skills are growing at work, my management is encouraging me
My home is in my name, I'm painting the rooms - the kid's rooms look great
Best ever crop of tomatoes this summer :)
I have goals for the next year - travel, work, a new car maybe, projects
I need to work on trust - especially in believing in relationships, and understanding what women need/want from them. Understanding or believing if I am able to give that. I feel empty in that at the moment. But at least I recognize it - and when the time comes, I can sort through it.
Thanks for helping me write that down.
bnw
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This is nice. I need this today. Here's my list:
- I am less insecure
- I have learned to live in the moment
- I appreciate the 'smaller' things in life more (like a beautiful sky)
- I have made some wonderful new friends and deepened relationships, I got to know people better
- I am a better driver and know how to change a wheel!
- I have lost 30 lbs and am fitter and got rid of some issues I had with food
- I have found yoga - it fulfills me and makes me happy.
- I like myself a lot better than before
- I feel inspired
- I am grateful
- I have found ME!
:)
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I thought I was too new to the MLC process to post any reasons why I am better because of this experience. While my propensity is to list all the negative things resulting from my H’s MLC, and believe me there are copious amounts of things to list, I have determined I can list things that are genuinely a positive outcome:
-I am finding my voice, which was silent too long in my marriage.
-I am becoming less invisible and finding my place in the world again with meaning and purpose.
-Every day I am becoming more and more empowered with my personal strength and inner truth.
-Fundamentally, I will always love my H and never regret the past we shared and what he personally does with this reality is becoming less and less of a burden I shoulder.
-I am acknowledging that my love for him couldn’t save him from his crisis but that does not mean I need to own the blame for the damages and destruction incurred in our relationship.
-I am acutely aware of my anger and resentment and while I am not in a place of total redemption from these feelings I harbor, I know I have a journey that will bring me to freedom.
-I can live in my brokenness and fragility and not fear the wounds or scars and realize that within my brokenness true beauty resides.
-I am attempting to balance out the selfish shift in the universe has my H seeks out his self-indulgent and narcissistic pursuits, I am giving of myself to those in need for it is much better to give than to take/receive.
-I am learning that our friends don’t see us as a “package deal” and while my H may have gone off the deep end, they have remained friends with me regardless of how they admired him in the past.
-I am acquiring a worldwide support system of nameless and faceless people who impart wisdom and dispense truth when the heart and mind are in most need of it.
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Great thread MF ... must compile my list ....
back soon!! xxx
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Thank you Moving Forward. Your question made me think, your presence on this board is a blessing!
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I've learned - that you have only have control over your own actions and that's where I try to focus
I've learned - that there is such a thing as divine intervention and my God is faithful
I've learned - that joining an online forum and taking the leap to join a meet-up with total strangers is an awesome thing to do
I've learned - that I invested my life and love mostly in and around my husband. Love is so much bigger than that.
I've learned - that my friends are among the most precious thing in the world. A card, a meal, a thought, a shoulder meant the world to me
I've learned - that a walk-away-husband is the best diet in the world, not the healthiest one
I've learned - that I am a conflict avoider, a Queen of denial and a procrastinator
I've learned - that I should not judge others. I condemned people who put their kids in front of the TV in the morning
I've learned - that kids glued to a TV in the morning might mean saving the sanity of a single mum after her sleepless night
I've learned - that I had no idea of the incredible sorrow that laid ahead and remind myself that I have no idea of the incredible joy that lays ahead
I've learned - that forgiveness it vital for your own happiness, it doesn't mean approval and doesn't excuse anything
I've learned - to keep learning. There is no shame in dusting yourself off and try again.
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