Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: summer progress on March 18, 2012, 06:31:51 AM
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I was reading a post on someone's thread and they mentioned that the hardest part of this was the lonliness. I thought it would be interesting to find out what the hardest part of each person's journey is.
I can say that for me the hardest part is the feeling of rejection. (Being told I am not the option he chose, being told he doesn't want my help, etc.)
After saying this, a friend told me that the way she sees it, her H rejected himself and not her. It made sense that they do reject themselves and who they were in our M.
So, what is the hardest part in this MLC madness for each of you?
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Summer,
I cannot pinpoint just one thing. It feels like a few parts. For example the lies hurt but the rejection does as well. It is all tied together in a neverending rope that I am bound up in. You know how when you buy wire and its wrapped up. If you don't unwind it right it turns into a big tangled mess. That is what I have felt like for a while but now it is just a huge knot that I cannot find the place to start untying it.
Yes your friend does have a good thought that he rejected himself but being the one that is left makes it difficult at times to see that as the case. It all feels so very personal and destructive.
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Yes your friend does have a good thought that he rejected himself but being the one that is left makes it difficult at times to see that as the case. It all feels so very personal and destructive.
True G4M. That reminds me that I need to re-read my coaching post. RCR told me at the start that I need to stop taking this personally. I guess I need a reminder sometimes. When I wasn't taking it personally, it was so much easier to detach and let go. I seem to be the one taking the steps backwards.
The rope analogy is good... I guess that means we need to untangle and drop that rope. They have already left and are living their own lives.. they have dropped their end for now.
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I think it is impossible for me to pinpoint even one or two things. MLC is all very, very difficult to deal with. I agree with the loneliness and the rejection. Also, the security I had before has been yanked out from under me in pretty much every way. It is also excruciatingly difficult for me to watch the pain my kids are going through and being helpless to do anything about it.
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Trusting, Summer, G4M - thanks for the post on this thread. It is weird I believe the loneliness and rejection also is difficult as I rarely get monster, I get the teenage texting terrorist princess as a live-in. Still she can be only 2 feet away while we sleep and she has her back to me. I miss her touch, her want to need me also. But that is about to get even bigger as she is moving out to live by herself (so she says). I do see my wifey rejecting herself in her words (complaining about her body, looking like her mother) but that is hard too when she wants validation for how she looks in some new jeans, top, shoes, etc.
Hang in there everyone, and hugs to you all!
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Hey Summer and all,
For me, seeing how it affects the kids is the worst. The financial concerns are immense, but that's mainly because I worry for the kids' future. They've lost so much already that I can't bear the thought of them losing more.
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moc, I have a live-in MLCer also, though mine lives separately in the house. It is hard to face that rejection daily.
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I guess the hardest part for me is just missing him. I miss the hugs, the laughter, the companionship. But I'm not lonely, and I don't worry so much for the kids right now. I think H and I have actually done as good a job as we can protecting them, and that is good.
I am proud of who I am becoming, but do get frustrated when I regress. I am trying to accept the ups and downs of this journey. I try to handle myself in a way that I can be proud of, so I can be someone I like. I would hate to be here in 3 years thinking "oh geeze, I wish I had not done xxx or wish I had done yyy".
Ok, I guess I also miss having someone in the house tall enough to change light bulbs, and strong enough to open jars. But I manage.
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I cannot seem to turn off the broken record in my mind....he enters my head way too many times throughout the day even though I try very hard to fill my time and keep busy. My sleep is still very disturbed because when I wake up at night..I am immediately still thinking about us..there is no us anymore and I truly haven't figured out how to stop these thoughts.
I am lonely....and also since we stand...we somehow remain in this limbo...of living as though they are not coming back but being ready if they do..sometimes I think this is nuts, sometimes I think it is a very unhealthy way to live. I do not think he can return and so what does that mean? To live in this state forever is not acceptable.
I also don't know what to make that all his clothes, golf clubs, shoes etc are still in our cupboards and dressers. I know it is just for convenience on his part but it is starting to annoy me.
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It's all hard. I don't think that for me there is any "hardest" part.
I do think though one of the more difficult things to deal with is that a marriage needs two people that are committed to each other to enter into it, but it only takes one person to unilaterally decide that it's over and done with.
The destruction is immense and touches every part of our lives: personal, sexual, financial, familial, social, locational, occupational, mental, emotional...you can add to the list.
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I do think though one of the more difficult things to deal with is that a marriage needs two people that are committed to each other to enter into it, but it only takes one person to unilaterally decide that it's over and done with.
Jay, I struggle with this too. The destruction is immense.
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Whenever I get (or got) the response "life isn't fair" pisses me off to no end...and why does one person get to say it's the end???!!!
I WOULD NOT ACCEPT THAT ONE PERSON GETS TO SAY IT'S THE END!! >:( >:( >:( >:( And that's why I'm where I am right now.
It'll take me kicking and screaming and dragging me away when I EVER let someone as F'ed up as they are to say it's the end!!! I don't care that I'm legally divorced they are NOT going to walk away with the alien logic they use to justify thier own skewed sense of reality!!! Not without giving me some kind of logic that makes sense. I deserve that much. Not this "Oh I haven't been happy for years crap, or any of the other Mamby Pamby sh!t!!!!
I also don't know what to make that all his clothes, golf clubs, shoes etc are still in our cupboards and dressers. I know it is just for convenience on his part but it is starting to annoy me.
Well if it's for HIS "convenience" no wonder it's starting to annoy you!! Have you got a spare room or a closet to put his crap in? Empower yourself and put it somewhere else.
Maybe that will rattle him around a hair and shake his head out of his a$$.!!!!
If he asks about what you did tell him IT"S SPRING time to rearrange and make room for other things!!
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I also don't know what to make that all his clothes, golf clubs, shoes etc are still in our cupboards and dressers. I know it is just for convenience on his part but it is starting to annoy me.
It won't matter if I move it because he won't know anyway since he and I do not see one another.
I also feel like it is his stuff and he's the one who needs to go through it himself. He can remove it from our home and do whatever with it....each sock and piece of underware is his to dispose of...It's kind of a sore point for me.
For a long time, I didn't want him to come and get his stuff..because I thought it meant he might return someday...I don't really "see it" but I also don't understand....yet I know this is quite common for other MLCers. I guess they have left this life behind so there is no need for any of it anymore.
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I agree with many here, there is no single hardest thing - maybe the length of this is the worst?
Loneliness, ongoing rejection, the consequent battering your self esteem takes...the suffering of our children and other family members - it is all very hard to take, but the sheer length of time this takes beats it all for me :(
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There are many things but I agree with Little Chief. I am on my own and don't have any children. Most of the time I don't mind being on my own but sometimes (well quite often really). :))
I miss the hugs, the laughter, the companionship :(
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. I guess they have left this life behind so there is no need for any of it anymore.
Maybe it's a security thing for him. But if it makes you sad or keeps you stuck maybe you could think about moving it.
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Not knowing when or if he will ever snap out of it and want to come home. Not knowing if he will ever regret the pain and suffering he put us through. Not knowing if I will ever really be happy and in-love again. Not knowing what's coming next...
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I have to answer this with two "hardest parts":
Not knowing how it will end (divorce/H marries OW/reconciliation/I remarry or am unmarried the rest of my life to name the most likely outcomes.)
The lifelong fallout this will have on my D22's life.
TMHP
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I think the hardest part for me besides the rejection and at times the loneliness is seeing my husband but knowing that no matter how try i can not reach him.......also trying to determine which mask hes wearing when i see him......yes i have detached but feel that when my h calls im constantly having to read him in order to mirror him.......i also feel the hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact that my h as made memories with o/w....i know many wont be happy..... but many will be in his messed up head :( :( :( :( ........and unless he develops amnesia he will have those memories even if they do fade........so im trying to work on that now.......xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Everyone in this thread is both correct and alike. I think we could write each other's posts as there are so many similarities. I have been considering packing all of W's things up but have the same reservations. I too think it might be a sign if returning as ALL of her pictures and memorabilia are here now that I think of it. I mean ALL. Every yearbook, band jacket, trophy etc. She truly is like a teenager living in a college dorm. She's not mentioned any if it even once. Simply bizarre. I am tiring of having to move her stuff to put anything in a drawer as well as her clothes taking up 2/3 of the closet. I think she checks to make sure it's still there sometimes but I don't know why. I don't know the message she might get if I pack it up, but Stayed or one of the others might have an idea if it will make any difference or not.
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It has been 4 years since bomb drop for my friend. When his ex-wife left, she packed most of her clothes and a few personal belongings.....and left everything else. Four years later, my friend still has yearbooks, photo albums and other memorabilia of hers.
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At my current stage of LBS journy - hardest part is to think of (unknown at this stage) financial destuction she (my MLC W) is going to cause as she proceeds with her much cherised D. When that is over, my worry will shift to effect (short term/long term) this whole MLC stuff will have on my kids - emotional, psychological, physical, studies, health.. etc..
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Dr. /Bart,
If I were you I would switch those priorities. This is affecting the kids now.
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I agree with everything everyone has already said.........the loneliness, the rejection......the length of time this takes. I even still have a lot of his personal items here. Holding onto the hope he will return is the hardest......for me. Just thinking we may not grow old together........thinking of the future without him. Let's face it......there is absolutely NOTHING easy about this.........NOTHING!
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You know, the more I think about this thread the more I realize we could go on for months about how badly it sucks. How about a thread about the BEST parts about this? A little reframing may be in order......
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Dr. /Bart,
If I were you I would switch those priorities. This is affecting the kids now.
Thundarr,
The question was what one (LBS) thought was the hardest part (and not what is your first priority now).
As to my action plan, kids (specifically their emotinoal, physical and future well being) are on top (always on top) and I am in control of the situation. Unfortunately, whatever internal trauma they might be going through can be only minimized, not eliminated.
My decision to stand is also largely driven by Kids and their well being. Otherwise, at this stage, I am ready to move on. I have purchased puts and sold calls and waiting for market (MLC) to move, whichever way she plans (really? she has a clue!) to move.
Dr. NO / Bart
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The hardest part in the MLC madness is the MLC madness.
I could not begin to narrow it down. I am very sad for the fallout affecting our daughter. And like XYZCF, a part of my mind is always and exhaustingly playing the MLC movie. I fear the loss of home, security and our planned future. I am lonely for love, affection and companionship. I miss the life and social circle that has been shattered by H's betrayal with two women I believed to be my dear friends. Those multiple betrayals do something to the psyche that changes a person forever. Perhaps most of all, despite the growth that I have made, I feel such loss that I will never again be a woman who was not betrayed, deceived and abandoned by her husband.
Phoenix
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For me the hardest part is wondering will I ever get her full love back. We have been back together now for about 10 months. I saw her change from monster to distance now to holding back her emotions. My fear is there because she had 15 years of depression before. My S says he always thought she is not able to love and always has been that way except when they where very little. Our two D where arguing one day that each thought there mom hated them more than the others. Just FYI all of our children are grown. I feel as thought I ran around with love blinders on and did not notice how our kids felt growing up. For me she treated me as she loved me so I stood beside her during those 15 years . So now my fear is she going to get past this so we can both be in love again ? or will it stay this way and if it stays this way do I want to keep standing. I feel life is a gift and love is the greatest gift of all.
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I'll chime in with another vote for REJECTION. My H has basically rejected our life, our great memories, and not just things I do but who I am as a person. All the things he signed on for with eyes wide open and not at all reluctantly when he married me over twelve years ago. It brings to the surface the gnawing feeling that if my own H found so many flaws he's considering leaving, then there must be something wrong with me.
He's rejected me not for another person in particular but for an entirely "better" life. I have watched him reject me for time to spend with friends, to spend with godchildren, to drink, to travel "back home", even to build up his popularity on social network sites.
So it seems I am easily replaceable and he doesn't even need a new girlfriend to be a completely fulfilled person and leave me out of his life entirely. This hits at the core of my self-esteem, my pride and my sense of self-worth. I guess it shouldn't, but it does.
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The hardest part for me are two things:
1. The knowledge that I will never have that lovely if however false sense of security I had previously. I would not have married had I ever thought that would have been taken away from me and for such a stupid and ridiculous thing at that. However necessary this midlife thing was to him, I will always maintain it was played out in a stupid and ridiculous way. Depression and unresolved childhood issues are no excuse for an adult to blow up his life and make fools of the both of us. Tough for me to grow up I guess but I will always maintain that sense of security was lovely indeed.
2. Seeing in my mind the expression on his face when his EA/OW contacted him. Makes me vomit to think someone other than me made him giddy when I was standing right there. That's a memory I have to live with just like all the bad memories of this nightmare but that's probably the worst.
Bon
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Oh, for goodness sake, it's all hard.
But for me? One, just the sheer length of time. And the not knowing when it will end. And two, having to hear about his "wonderful life". He sends the kids texts or e-mails saying how cool things are where he is on holiday and stuff like that. So that's also the "conspicuously leaving me out" of this new life. Watching him be "fun Dad", while I get all the hard parts.
And the 'twilight zone' feeling that we really are on different planets, that this just isn't my H. It's hard to believe that the man I knew might be gone forever.
D says that she'd rather not know about his new life, either, though. Although she likes the nice restaurants he takes her to. And the effect on the kids is just awful.
Edit.... was thinking about this, and realised that I could go on and on. Each thing we have to deal with seems to be the hardest part.