Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Still on August 06, 2010, 01:10:47 PM
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Sometimes we just need a little humor in the craziness. Here is a tongue-in-cheek look at MLC.
(RCR may remove this if it violates the copywrite rules, but the source is referenced.)
The following "book" originated on the midlifewivesclub forum several years ago in a thread started by Boosbrde. It has been copied and posted to other sites, mostly without crediting where it originated.
MIDLIFE for Dummies
Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journeys you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck.
In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!
Chapter 1 - Choosing the Correct Speech
There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:
a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.
b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.
c) We got married to young. I never knew anything besides you.
d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.
Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.
Chapter 2 - Lessons in Building Anxiety
You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.
Lesson 1 - Monstrification of Your Spouse
This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.
Lesson 2 - Emotional Detachment
This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3
Lesson 3 - Mass Confusion and Indecision
This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.
Lesson 4 - Lies and Deceit
To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.
Chapter 3 - The Other Person (or OP)
Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women/men want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.
Chapter 4 - Cake Eating
This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).
Chapter 5 - History Revision
It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!
Chapter 6 - It's All About You!!
Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!
Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!
Chapter 7 - Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away
This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone.
If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!
Chapter 8 - MC and Therapists
Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her/him. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).
Chapter 9 - I Don't Have To if I Don't Want To and You Can't Make Me!
Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything.
This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!
Chapter 10 - How To Threaten and/or How To Move Out
You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).
If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer
Chapter 11 - Art of Clinging
The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.
Chapter 12 - Advanced Lessons
This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.
"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".
This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.
Appendix
HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY
1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.
2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.
3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"
4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OP. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.
DON'T LET YOUR SPOUSE GET TOO INDEPENDENT - STATEGIES FOR SUCKING YOUR SPOUSE BACK IN
1. Make negative comments about OP or the chances that the relationship with OP will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OP.
2. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.
3. Do random acts of kindness such as yard work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.
4. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.
CUSTODY - Using the Kids To Your Advantage
If you have children, they can be extremely useful for inducing fear and panic in your spouse. Recommended phrases include, "You're poisoning my kids against me", "You put that idea into their heads", and "You need to do [insert pertinent action here] for the sake of the kids'." Remember, your spouse, being a responsible and loving person, is not only trying to cope with his/her own feelings, but trying to protect the children, and you can use that to your advantage.
Don't forget to use the fact that if you spend any time with your kids, you should get Extra Credit Bonus Good Parent points from your spouse. It doesn't matter if you feed them ice cream for breakfast and have them watch "Hellboy" when they asked for "Veggie Tales", you Just Wanted To Make Them Happy, and since YOU are the best judge of Happiness, that makes you Super Parent.
You can use this opportunity to trash talk your spouse ("Isn't this more fun than what Mommy/Daddy would let you do?" "Mom/Dad doesn't know how to relax.") which of course, will be repeated back to your spouse so you get the benefit of destroying their self-esteem second hand.
Highly advanced MLCers may want to start casually using the word Custody, but be very, very careful. While useful for sending your spouse into a state of panic, you certainly do not want to be responsible for a bunch of kids who will seriously cut into your personal fun time. The word Custody should only be used in a casual tone of voice for the most devastating effect.
BUTTON PUSHING
You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.
THE BLAME GAME
By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouse's fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.
There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.
Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement
I'm trying not to blame YOU
This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).
Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement
I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I can't live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.
These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.
Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement
You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.
All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.
Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults.
Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.
Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!
Let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."
Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."
How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....
HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON
1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.
2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that:
a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and
b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a - YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!
Copyright The Midlife Club
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LMAO!!!! So funny and sad at the same time!
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FHO,
I agree. So much of it is "spot on" to what we all see. I remember the first time I read it, nearly two years ago now. I felt so saddened. Fortunately, I have come a long way.
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Ahhhhhhhhhh! Validation does feel pretty good. So nice to know we're not going crazy.
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Still, the first time I read this a year and a half or so ago it also made me sad but before too long I was laughing. It is just eerie how much alike (yet different) the MLCers are.
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Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis: If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humour him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea. If he wants to wear 'younger' clothes, help him pick them out. If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.
Andy Rooney "As I grow in age, I value older women most of all, Here are just a few reasons why:
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis"
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Those are great, Mermaid.
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Q:How many MLCers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the light bulb (and the whole world) just revolve round the MLCer.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
Q: How many LBS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six. One to change the bulb, one to relate the experience and four to validate their feelings
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
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Midlife for Dummies is not funny to me right now... It is my story wrapped up in a neat package. It is depressing. The others I was able to laugh at, especially the one about how many LBS it takes to screw in a lightbulb! :)
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There comes a time in your life that, when you accept what's going on, you end up finding a great deal of humor in it...even at its worst times.
I've been there, too...and if I hadn't been able to begin laughing at the STUPIDEST things that were going on, I would have had a nervous breakdown long before we both came out of the tunnel that housed his midlife crisis.
I've laughed quite a few times at what I've seen my husband do because the whole nine yards was SO pathetic on his part..he really thought he was doing a great job of HIDING SO MUCH...yeah, like I was really that stupid..when I wasn't.
I realized more than once that he really thought he could get away with everything, and through his usage of smoke screen and mirrors, he, at times really thought I'd just go on like I had always had...and life for him would never consist of accountability.
After I "got it" and started working on myself; these and other things came to light...and I would find myself laughing at what he was doing..but not to him; if you laugh in their faces, you will make things worse...I've made that mistake at least ONE time. It was OK for HIM to laugh at me, when I was so miserable; but when I laughed at him the ONE time when he was telling all these lies, and really thought he was getting away with stuff...he got SO angry at me that he wouldn't talk to me for TWO weeks.
I, of course, had to let on that it didn't affect me..but I got the sense that I was wrong for laughing at him like that....though the Lord let me know that humor was OK, He further let me know that to my husband this was NOT funny...it was serious business to him, and he could not tolerate me laughing at him...it brought him down in many ways; to the point of it being disrespectful TO him.
I remember thinking..."Well, what about ME?"
The Lord pointed out that I was well aware of what was going on, and my husband was NOT..many things he did or said, he wouldn't remember later, or he wasn't aware of certain things at certain times.
To be an effective stanchion, I had to hold my laughter in and let it out later on.
So, it took the one time and the one time results to learn to NOT to laugh at him to his face....but I did plenty of it behind his back; and it released the stress I felt from going through this with him.
And I STILL laugh at what he did, even now. It's not because I don't respect him, I do, very much...but I chuckle sometimes, as I'm writing down a memory from a time that doesn't even come close to what I see in him, now.
He really doesn't remember anything he did, and that's ok...and though, I remember what he did, I don't hold it against him....but it's still funny in its own way, as I can't equate the man I see now, with the one I saw then.
Yet, they were one and the same man. :)
Sometimes, it's really hard for ME to believe what I remember...and I laugh at that, because I know it to be true.
Midlife for Dummies is not funny to me right now... It is my story wrapped up in a neat package. It is depressing.
Yet, I also see LG's point in what she is saying..it is also the joke I was trying to make with Subooru about loving them, leaving them or killing them....neither lady is at the point of seeing ANY humor in what is going on at the moment with either one of their husbands.
Some are going to be there, some are not....and everyone who is reading this; understand it is NOT because all of us do NOT care about what you are going through.
I have been in the deepest pit of this, not knowing how things were going to be the next day, and the stress has nearly killed me...the uncertainty is something I would NEVER wish on anyone to go through.
There was a point, though, when something broke within me, and the ridiculousness of the whole situation hit me, and I sat down and laughed until I was crying, and couldn't stop laughing...it bordered on hysteria at times...rolling out; I hadn't laughed like that in years.
And I felt MUCH better afterwards.
God definitely has a sense of humor throughout this trial..I can very well remember Him laughing with me..and I remember saying that we were wrong for this...yet, He said "No, we aren't...who was he to think he could get away with all he's done, and it's all out in the open...he doesn't even realize it?!"
Clear signs were dropping everywhere that CONTRADICTED what he was telling me! He was saying one thing, and doing another; I could see it, he COULD NOT or would not....he was too busy trying to cover himself, and making a BIGGER mess than he'd made in the beginning of his lying.
He was telling one lie to cover up another..spinning himself in circles, and he effectively trapped himself, as I was NOT the only one he was lying to..he was also lying to HIMSELF. LOL!!
That clarity of what he was doing, set me off once again, laughing so hard, my stomach was killing me; we were NOT laughing AT him, but at his STUPIDITY within his behavior...there's a difference.
They are going through much pain, but like children, they are trying to hide so much out in the open, it is laughable at times..the BEHAVIOR is where you get the humor...NOT from their pain.
Now, I would NOT make fun of the way the MLC'ers dress..that is part of their pain..and they don't realize how stupid they look in kid's clothes.
And I don't laugh at what they do, exactly..they are hurting themselves when they crawl into the bottle, OD on drugs, have an affair...and the list continues.
It is more humorous listening to what they say to try and get out of situations they have put themselves in...they've painted themselves into a corner, and will say the dumbest things to try and get out of it....those are the things that I found humorous, and amusing....
When I looked back a good while later, I also found humor in what HAD happened..things he said that didn't make any sense..and it helped me put it all in a better perspective.
But it wasn't until I was at a better place within myself, and I didn't fear losing him anymore....I had to get there on my own.
Nowadays, I do laugh at all the stupid things he did and said to me...I don't have anything that bothers me anymore.
You know, I have a great deal of compassion for all of you and this monster you are all facing..but don't think you can't laugh about some of it....you'll go literally crazy if you don't eventually lighten up, and remember that you are human, too..and it is OK to find some humor within your lives.
I'm more sensitive to your pain than you know.
Much love to you all,
HB
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I love to read some of the jokes here.... it's been a while since I've had a belly laugh as well...
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In the beginning you wonder if you will ever laugh again. The things that you enjoyed no longer fill you with joy, it's hard to socialize when all the time you want to run back to the safety of your own home. You blame yourself for everything, you spend sleeping nights going over and over everything - what if's play are major part. Sub-consciously you put your life on hold even though that was the one thing you tell yourself you wouldn't do. Everything inside feels dead. You constantly look for answers, you talk to the world and his wife to get their advice\options (I did, and on reflection it was one of the worse things I could have done, because I took on their views and it make me feel worse).
Slowly and it is slow, you slow start waking up, the fog starts to clear, You start to emerge yourself back into things and you surprise yourself how much you enjoyed it. You start to see things how they really are and that you are not totally to blame for this. You start to work on yourself, changing the things you don't like about yourself (you, not them), allowing yourself to be you again.
When mind dropped the second bomb, although I was in floods of tears at the time - when he said 'ILUBNILWY' I wanted to laugh and say 'not that old chestnut!'
I know we've heard it so many times before, but time really is the greatest healer, along with patience (they become our best friends).
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The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
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Eve's side of the story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So Eve, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrise and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?
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Eve's side of the story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So Eve, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrise and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?
LMAO.
Very good
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When Insults Had Class... These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words (which of course, are much shorter to say, but...):
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it" - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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Thanks ForeverHopefulOne!
The first one from Winston Churchill is one of my all-time favourites!
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I like this one myself: "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
hahahaha!
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MLC for Dummies was great and its right on the mark, helps me to remember he is in crisis and a dummy
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Haha, FHO, I really laughed at these!
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This thread is so fun! I'll remember to reread if I get down!! lmao!! Thanks everyone!
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FHO, I got a huge kick out of the sayings, LOL!!!
MLC for Dummies was great and its right on the mark, helps me to remember he is in crisis and a dummy
This had me rolling in the floor because of its simple truth! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!
Mercury, I know you probably didn't mean that to be funny, but it struck me as hilarious. :)
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In LNA's thread, I suggested that she could do some things to increase the amount of confusion that her H is experiencing, in an effort to speed him through the tunnel. It was meant in jest, but I thought it could be a good way to relieve some stress by brainstorming more suggestions. Try to keep it light and fun; no fixiating on OPs, suggesting bodily harm, etc.
Here is my original list:
- Repainting the living room in the middle of the night
- Taping the kids to the ceiling
- Flipping the hinges on the doors so they open outward instead of inward (or vice versa)
- Moving all of the furniture in the bedroom to "rotate" the room 90 degrees
And a few more:
- If the MLCer calls you, answer the phone like you are placing a take-out order. ("Hi, I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with black olives. Can I get breadsticks?
- Plant a lawn flamingo in the front yard; every night, move it a little closer to the front door
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I have found that just being logical creates the most confusion.... :o
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Making the lounge the dining room and vice versa.
Changing the number on the door.
Pulling up all the shrubs and planting flowers.
Having a butler :o
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Smile....like you know something they do not. They then get to try to figure out WHAT you know.
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Storm
I like that one and will def try it ;D
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JA,
If you have a talker, they will then start to bring up all the topics they don't want you to know about, to see what one you seem to know about! Just smile every time a new topic comes up, and around we go again!
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Boy this made me smile.
My old H was never a talker. Maybe the new one will be! I'll try it anyway. 8)
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SR, I have tried that one - smiling like I knew something. He really couldn't figure out what was up! ;D
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Don't know if this works for everyone....but I'm darkish/dim right now...and every once in awhile I'll peek out as the "flirty, funny smiley gal"...mostly email and text...then when he shows up I'll be dark again...Did this this week and he showed up early at house expectin me to be in that role but wasn't....throws them off a bit and adds some mystery I suppose...I did it cuz it was really FUN and forged a connection and recognition between us....let's him know I'm still here even though I'm not...
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This one is hard can't come up with anything good well that's not cruel anyway. I'll keep thinking about it.
Personally, If I was able to communicate with him, I'd get great satisfaction answers all his questions with " I don't know"
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When I think of these kinds of jokes, I use the definition from an old internet newsgroup, alt.shenanigans:
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/shenanigans-faq/
1. What exactly is a shenanigan?
---------------------------------
A shenanigan is something that is done for no purpose other than to confuse or fool its intended victim. Shenanigans differ from the mainstream usage of "practical jokes" or "pranks" in that they are, above all, harmless. Throwing eggs at someone's car is a prank; Handing out eggs with odd sayings written on them at a mall is a shenanigan. I hate to use this example, but most of the things you see on "TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes" are shenanigans.
Although there is much overlap between practical jokes, pranks, and shenanigans, I would like to make this distinction: The victim responds to a prank by saying, "Damn those kids!" or "I'll get you for this." (Or by taking legal action.) A shenanigan, on the other hand, receives a response such as "Why would anyone go to the trouble?" or "I don't get it." from 'normal' citizens, or is responded to in kind by a fellow shenaniganist.
In short, if you laugh at it, even if you're the victim... It's probably a shenanigan. Obviously different people laugh at very different things, so use your judgement and know your victim.
It should be noted that this is strictly "my" definition of the term, and any similarity to your definition or the dictionary's is entirely coincidental.
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Hmm... maybe we should invent some kind of new trend or style that "all the kids" are doing. You know, tell them that it's cool for guys to wear short cut-off shorts or that mullets are back...
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In my case, there is a [suspected] OW (should I refer to her as SOW? ;)) EA and I have been toying with the idea of making comments here and there that may make him worry I know who she is and that she even exists (I am at least 90% sure I am correct) - he thinks I know nothing because I haven't said anything for many many many months. They would be comments that in no way mention SOW but might make him squirm after a few, like just MAYBE I might know something but I never say and he sure as heck won't.
I don't know. Maybe that is too evil.
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I'll go with one I mentioned on my thread, but still appeals... Can't I just superglue squealing OW (face first) to a public wall, upside down preferably????
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This was something I did to throw him off, and made him think I was seeing someone else.
My hairstyle kept changing...I normally wore it in a ponytail to work, to keep my hair from getting caught in the machines I was working with.
It came to me one day to come out with my hair down; but have my pony tail clip in my pocket; we were creating an illusion for him.
There was the usual round of questions at first; "Aren't you going to tie your hair up? Why not?"
I'd give him vague, one word answers and leave..of course, when I got to work, my hair would go up; and when I got off work, my hair would come back down; and of course, he was still awake watching for me to come in; JUST to see what my HAIR was doing.
And he'd refuse to speak to me; and I knew why, but continued on with the charade I was putting on.
He NEEDED to wonder what I was doing, and his own guilt was filling in the blanks. LOL!
It went on for a week, before it all came to a head. :)
There finally came a day when he was tired of the answers he was getting and said that I must have a boyfriend; I laughed like a hyena; and denied it; said I respected myself more than that.
Then he sorta pounced on me about my hair down; and I told him that if I DID have a boyfriend; HE would know, because signs would drop.
He said "What signs?" I said "You would know what they are!" But, I wouldn't enlighten him; and he didn't dare ask any more questions at that point. LOL!!
I nearly laughed IN his face, because I could almost see the wheels turning within his brain; trying to figure out what I was doing; he was off balance...and that was the effect I was looking for. LOL!!
Change the way you normally do something, anything....and they surely DO notice it; and questions begin..they don't like your routine to be subject to variation; they don't like change in the LBS.
Never mind what THEY have done, or are doing; it seems to be ok if they toss everything upside down, but HOW DARE YOU do it to THEM! LOL!!
They really don't like the sense of "unbalance" they feel when routine, and what they are used to seeing/experiencing with the LBS changes.
What it all boils down to, is this: Want to get a MLC'er's attention and deepen their confusion? START CHANGING THE WAY YOU ARE....they don't like the lost feeling they get when they don't know you anymore.
Stop being what the MLC'er is used to seeing.
Hey, it's a laff-a-minute out here in MLC land, LOL!!! Only THEY are not laughing!
Nothing wrong with upsetting their apple cart on occasion; sometimes it's necessary to move them along the tunnel. :)
But then, again, you have to KNOW when times such as those are right..a wrong word or action at wrong time, can cause them to "stick" in the tunnel. That's not to say you do not need to change, you do; but these types of "head games" such as what I outlined above are to handled carefully and thoughtfully.
Follow your intuition in regards to increasing their confusion. :)
Word of caution, and this is NOT intended to get after you SS, not at all; I chuckled at the different ways of increasing the confusion within your MLC'er. In a way, the head game I played with him was intended to give him a healthy taste of what he'd given me; only on a smaller scale. :) And it hit it's intended mark; plus, when I changed that particular detail right back on my own; it confused him further, LOL!!
It IS funny, but don't go too far with the jokes; the serious side of them, for some reason, is in high gear, much like a teen who is extremely low in self confidence; so be careful; as they DO remember what was done to them, and how they were treated while within the tunnel later on. :)
Have a good one.
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Okay
this is related to topic but it's something my MLCer does that I just picked up on....that cracks me up...When he emails me occasionally he can be very formal at times....this makes sense cuz I believe he has to go to that place in order to compartmentalize....so what I realize in some of the emails he writes strange things...here are a few that made me LOL and say He's just nuts...it actually makes me feel better
-PS at the end of one email -this one I thought was hystericall! Maybe it's just me
-See below Wrote this yesterday about some finances....I'm laughing again right now...really....where did he think I was going to continue reading.....
-He numbers conditions he wants to set
-He uses the word FURTHERMORE way tooo much....really....never used that before
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It's not hard for me to create confusion for my MLCer... it comes naturally! Because sometimes I'm a b!tc# and sometimes I'm gracious and calm, all over the same set of circumstances!! Usually, I'm the opposite of what he expects from the last time...
The other thing I do is "know stuff". He thinks I'm a witch or something because I always know when he's lying. The sad fact is, he's a terrible liar. Add to this that currently, everything that comes out of his mouth is most likely a lie, on top of that, he hasn't figured out I can see his bank account activity BECAUSE I WORK AT OUR BANK... DUH!!! Plus, we kinda have the MLC playbook here, so not too many surprises!
An Idea I came up with but probably won't bother with until later is - add neutral-gendered names with fake phone numbers to my cell phone. He snooped once and saw a couple of names of new friends (Pat, being one) and it sent him into a jealous tailspin. Mostly, he doesn't even consider that I might not want him back or that I might have activities outside of waiting for him to decide if he wants to come home or not, but sometimes the thought crosses his mind! He snoops when he is feeling guilty..
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The other thing I do is "know stuff". He thinks I'm a witch or something because I always know when he's lying.
Not only that, but there have been things you have told him that only HE is supposed to know...and I can guarantee that actually made him further afraid of you, eh? LOL!!
LOL, LG; I had actually forgotten about that kind of stuff until I read these lines; see, I, too "knew things".....I remember hitting my husband with what the Lord had shown me about his 'friend' how it came to be an affair; how she tricked him, and why he'd kept going back to her until he broke it off for good, and these were things only HE was supposed to know; because I wasn't even THERE; I could tell by the way he was acting; he thought I was a FLY on the wall!
He not only denied them, but he said the DEVIL was showing me these things; even as I read him lying to me, and his eyes were SO big they nearly popped out of his head! LOL!!!!!
Talk about frightened; he couldn't get far enough away from me; I told him at one point that it was pretty bad when your wife always knew when her husband was doing something wrong, LOL!!!
I'm honestly surprised he stayed with me, even after all of me exposing ALL his secrets to his face, and him running away in fear of little bitty ME!!! LOL!! He was telling me at one point I was "driving" the love right out of him!! I remember thinking; "You'd better be more worried about ME, than yourself!" But it is how they are; self preservation takes over; and they are liable to say ANYTHING!! :)
I think he originally thought I had talked to her; but I told him that, although, I'd seen the numbers on the caller ID that matched his cell phone; I never answered the phone; but so many other things he'd done had totally given him away, confirming what I already knew to be true....but, then, in his mind; the mystery remained of how I knew all these things, and his behavior gave him away every time, LOL!!
Talk about confused even further; it was pitiful, but afterward, I laughed until I was in tears; thinking about he'd thought he'd gotten away with it all; and I knew everything he knew!! LOL!!
These sessions gave HIM alot to think about! :)
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HB
I feel this through the crisis and it's getting stronger and stronger....He'll behave in a certain way or I'll have a curiousity about something..it won't be a yearning to know...just a passing thought...or wondering and then later on the answer will come and I will understand or I will know something or I will know how to handle him...it is quite powerful...Intuition? and it's not just about the affair either it's about my H and his past and his issues.....and my own issues of course...but that makes sense because I'm me :)
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I have lost ALOT of weight since this started. Got my hair cut a totally diffrent style. My SIL who I see every day even accused me of having a boyfriend.
Just wish I had enough contact with H to make him wonder.
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I sometimes just feel like blowing hot and cold the way he is towards me. One day be chatty and friendly and then the next day be really dark and not speak to him at all. Just to let him know what it feels like. It would probably have no effect though as he would more than likely be one step ahead of me.
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You have to move a step or two ahead of him, Glimmer. I think playing their games their way gives them the upper hand. So we have to play our game, our way, with our own objectives, independently.
That will send them into tailspin.
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If I had the chance to see/talk to H, I would do everything possible to convince him that I had a sex change since he left and that we had been a same-sex couple before MLC.
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Bumping this up for the Newbies... Mid Life Crisis for Dummies is Priceless!!
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When I read the MLC for dummies it hit home. But I laughed at it too. Maybe a few weeks before then no but there was a definite change in me.
I sent it to my support friends as well. I hadn't realised until that moment that was what had happened to him but he ticks those boxes so well.
For those whom it hurts it will stop and one day it willmak your lips twitch instead of your eyes fill.
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I have read this a few times maybe not humour but I smile and cry at the same time
The Story of the Tea Cup
There was a couple who went to England to shop in a beautiful antique store. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially tea cups. On a trip to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary they found an exceptional cup. They asked, "May we see that cup? We've never seen a tea cup quite so beautiful."
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the tea cup spoke, "You don't understand," the cup said, "I have not always been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me, pounded and patted me over and over, and I yelled out, ‘Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone.’ But the potter only smiled, and gently said, "Not yet!!"
Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. “Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!” I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly, "Not yet." He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then...Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. “Help! Get me out of here!” I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, "Not yet." When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better, I thought. But, after I cooled, he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. “Oh, please; Stop it, Stop it!!” I cried. He only shook his head and said. "Not yet!"
Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited... and waited, wondering what he is going to do to me next? An hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself," and I did. I said, “That's not me. That couldn't be me. It's beautiful... I'm beautiful!"
Quietly he spoke: "I want you to remember this," he said, "I know it hurt to be rolled and patted, but had I left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
The moral of this story is this: God knows what He's doing in each of us. He is the potter, and we are his clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.
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Thanks for sharing this- it is lovely and will give me a nice thought as I head to bed.
I feel like we are the Waltons and I want to say "good night John Boy"..the problem with being alone is that there is no one to say goodnight to.
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I feel like we are the Waltons and I want to say "good night John Boy"..the problem with being alone is that there is no one to say goodnight to
There will always be someone here to say "goodnight". I hope you have much rest tonight, XYZ. You are a wonderful person who gives so much to others when you, yourself, are hurting so badly.
(((HUGS)))
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Most likely too late but
Goodnight Ma!
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The following was posted on a MENS MLC website that I am on.
I hope it does not offend anyone here but I got a good chuckle from it.
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
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D17 just found this joke online:
What do you do if your ex is bleeding, limping and crying in your backyard?
Take a deep breath...aim ...and try again
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:D
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Warning! only watch for a laugh (naughty words not for kids or those easily offended by such)
This is only one of a series!
MyWifeKnowsEverything (http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7486711/)
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LOLOLOLOL
That just cheered me up big time, : ;D ;D ;D ;D
Still chuckling, my kids think I have gone mad!!!!!
HUGS
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This is the first animated story of my H and OW showing how blissfully happy they are ::) He too has moved into her house as they hare soulmates and love each other lol.
HENCE THE DEPRESSION AND AVOIDING HER :o
xx
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OMG, thanks for cheering me up. We can only hope this is their reality !!
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Yes VIRGINIA there is a SANTA CLAUS....and sometimes he brings presents before Christmas Day and wraps them up in "not so pretty packages".....thanks for delivering LGO (AKA CHRISTMAS ELF)....it is HYSTERICAL....really. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Nice! really portrays their thoughts well! AND just how much sense they DONT make!
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I'm glad this thread popped back up because I didn't see it earlier!
Good stuff for a bunch of people with no sense of humor that don't enjoy life ;)
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well 'schmoopy', this is so freaking funny! thanks for sharing!!!
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There are more of them!!!!
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Yes there are more of them!
Don't miss this one...
MerryChristmasShmoopie (http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/8012535/)
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well I'm likin' the merry christmas themed one... the absurdity of it all
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Watch them in order--they follow each other, referencing the previous episodes.
But I'm warning you...you might laugh so hard you pee. ::)
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Yes, my warning should have included a "Must be wearing Depends to watch" note.
Along those lines....and the 4 cheese lasagne reference....my h accused me of giving him Beef Jerky last christmas b/c it made him fart! lol I have been giving him beef jerky for years b/c I thought he liked it... :-\ This year he is getting A LOT of beef jerky ;D
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WOW I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to send him these..the soulmate thing amkes me want to gag That's what he's told the girls
I told the girls "First off you have to have a soul to be a soul mate and by the behaviovr being exhibited by BOTH of them- no souls exist"
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"First off you have to have a soul to be a soul mate
This is a an MLC quotable....so simple yet so true :)
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I can't stop watching...SO FUNNY!!
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LOL! Hilarious! Thanks for posting! :)
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Very funny! LGO, I had to laugh about your H and the beef jerky. ;D
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OMG! I am laughing so hard I really might pee myself!! I only watched two so far but I can't wait to see the rest...you are genious and I appreciate your amazing humor. The funniest thing is, my H would LOVE these...maybe someday when he's in his right mind, lol! (though he doesn't yet have a soul schmoopy...so he might not get it yet.)
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Okay.....duh.....I'm I just getting this NOW :o :o :o :o. LGO ARE YOU THE CREATOR OF THOSE FILMS.....oh my goodnes...BRAVO....my friend if that's the case....really
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Okay.....duh.....I'm I just getting this NOW :o :o :o :o. LGO ARE YOU THE CREATOR OF THOSE FILMS.....oh my goodnes...BRAVO....my friend if that's the case....really
Gosh no! I am not moonlocks! I can only take credit for finding this and posting the link for all of you to enjoy. Although, any one of us could have written it! Anyone up for a MLC version???
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I have been dealing with this type of crazy talk for days... thank you for finding these and posting!! It might even be better than "Midlife for Dummies"!! They say the stupidest things with the most sincerity!!
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RCR, I did laugh so hard, I ALMOST peed. Wow, what a great way to end my work week.
Thank you!!! Too funny, and makes us all feel like we are just fine, aren't we? Our spouses are NUTS!!!! ;)
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"We are so happy." "You are perfect" "Do you want to have sex now"
That about sums it up for these relationships...
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Have some fun with your pet photos- google elfyourself jib jab and you can choose from a couple of elf dances with your favorite pet´s mug. Experiment and you´ll have some smiles.
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My sense of humor went this way on my thread:
Well he stopped today finally came across with some money so we can enjoy the holiday. I was at work and didn't see him.
I went to put something in the fridge and saw V8 juice in there, and asked the girls where that came from and then d17 said look at the counter - and cheese popcorn was there also.
These two things are my favorite snacks. He knows this.
My outdoor faucet was dripping but it's frost free supposedly..anyway I guess he went downstairs and drained the pipe so it wouldn't burst.
So do I thank him for the snacks and the faucet or what??
Every damn time I thank him for something he always replies with "I don't know where this is going"
So help me god if he replies like that I'm gonna go shoot him.
Any suggestions??
Then Letting go replied
Well, do the opposite and don't bother to thank him. He'll probably bring it up and you will be the bad guy again, LOL!! Merry Christmas...
The I replied:
Well I figure it this way.
I'm not going to thank him. Then if he does bring it up I'm going to reply:
I figured if I thanked you that you would say "I don't know where this is going" and if you said that one more time- I was going to shoot you and I thought I'd wait until AFTER a major holiday to do that"
Someone has to put the thanksgiving turkey baster thread back up I almost peed my pants with that one!!
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I love these. In my head their life is so perfect and ow is everything I'm not.
Now I will try to visualize this instead ,when I am imagining ow being perfect and fabulous.
Especially the fabulous Christmas I envisioned them having.
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There is two more!
Here is the link to moonlocks blog...
http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/
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Oh bless you, this is great.
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Yes
Lets keep each other updated when they new ones are posted. They are genius. ;D
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LOVE IT !! I especially love the apology one. The ex wife is so detached. I'm hoping to come to this point really soon.
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OMG!! This is just funny as hell!! I SO wish I could strap my husband down to watch these, but he wouldn't get it anyway.... I once referred to his R with OW as "teenage drama" and he was just so horrified and said "IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK!!!???" Um, yeah, I not only THINK, I KNOW, LOL!!
I guess I insulted his wonderful "feelings" for her, even though he can't wait to get back to me (someday) and wants to "stay married to you forever!!!". He must still think it is some kind of "fate" or special "sign" and "special love that he will never forget but that can never be..." in his life. He has said MANY times "it will NEVER work with her"... oh, so I guess THAT'S the reason we should stay married... because even though you wish it could, it just never could work with her.... it has nothing to do with the fact that you are both liars and cheaters and she is a filthy skank and "Really dumb" according to you! ;D ;D
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LG,
I love your posts, your hysterical !! I love that you can find the humor in this terrible, awful sitch. I love the animated Scripts, I even showed them to my Ds 18&22. We go around the house now and call each other smoopies and say we are so happy !! I like to remind them that I'm bat $hit crazy too !! Oh yeah, and I'm mean !!
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JKM, I WISH I had someone to share these animated videos with!! The closest I could come would be with my BEST friend, but even she is not really interested in MLC as a "pass" for bad behavior... even though she's been having affairs for years - not to excuse, but I know her husband, and while he's a wonderful man in many ways, he's SO detached from her he's practically a corpse and she endures a LOT of indifference and invisibility... very sad and I do know that she has done much over the years to try and promote a real marriage. Again, I think you can understand that infidelity is NOT acceptable to me, but her life is hers to live and she is very aware and I trust her to figure her issues out like she always does.
So, no one to share these with that would be able to laugh about it... they all pretty much think I'm either delusional, or a doormat but would never say it to me, LOL! I feel certain that, once again in my life, I will show them that I actually DO know best for me and many times I've heard confessions that they couldn't believe my strength and intuition in the end. But still, I love these videos!! No one can know what the affair dynamics are like unless they've been in our shoes...
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Somehow I just found this link..who the heck is responsible for these? They are dead on..funny but rather sad too!
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Somehow I just found this link..who the heck is responsible for these? They are dead on..funny but rather sad too!
She goes by the name moonlocks. She is a betrayed wife and is also known as marzipan on survivinginfidelity. As I said above, she now has her own blog, where she has posted the famous "sausage and apples" recipe. She is batsh*t crazy!!!!! Blame it on too much cheese :o
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I love cheese, apples and sausages..she's very caustic!
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My Ds love the H's lactose intolerant problem. They especially love when a tooter escapes in front of the OW. I'm sure she thinks he's so perfect and that their love is so special that when he lets one go she is oh so surprised!! He's not the prize she thought she got after all !!
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Oh yeah and I think it's funny that her cats can see through him better than OW and can't stand him !!
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Found the blog and watched the 2 new episodes. Ha! Great stuff!
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I signed up for the newsletter which sent me this new episode today entitled "Congratulations Schmoopie" here's the link - enjoy!! 8)
http://wp.me/p1bcoW-1C (http://wp.me/p1bcoW-1C)
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WOW..it just gets weirder and weirder. But sooo very true!!!
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I love it, it hits home.
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Ok a question.
Is she and her husband reonciling or is she just moved on totally? Is this her revenge?
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She D'd him and is working toward healing.
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Oh and as of yet, he has not seen her work.....
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He he he
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Do you know if he's still with ow? It seems like from the most recent one, he's still worried about what she's doing? Do you know if that's true? I want these cartoon characters to reconcile.
Butterfly
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I like that the husband is starting to see OW's true colors and that after all these months of not being allowed to use her towels or sit on a chair if her cat is already there, the last straw may be that OW looks up words for her cats in Scrabble and then places their tiles, LOL!!
I love that the husband is constantly driving by his "wife's" house and has to be reminded by OW that she is his EX-wife, hahaha!! Husband's attention is directed toward what his "wife" is doing and OW is upset she is no longer the focus of SCHMOOPIE... ;D ;D ;D
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I know. I really want to know their real story now. I love the golf ball thru a garden hose.
And bat s*** crazy. That's my new favorite phrase. Clearly the husband wants to go home and the wife is just done. Ow is such a wannabe. That probably is true to life.
Has to steal someone else's life. Can't just get her own. Pathetic.
Butterfly
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OMG these sure made my night. I was really really down, but not anymore. Thanks for the link...
My D25 is reading them as I type and she is crying she is laughing so hard..we will have fun around home with this
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I laughed, I cried, I peed (RCR was right) LOL. OMG, the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. Bat sh** crazy is so awesome! The underwear discussion is hilarious. Who ever created these is genius!
Sub
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I'm sure these are things we all struggle with:
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2010/8/8/how-to-explain-your-spouses-actions.html
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2010/7/11/how-to-explain-mens-emotions.html
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2008/11/17/how-to-suppress-the-urge-to-kill.html
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2008/8/7/how-to-talk-to-someone-who-is-depressed.html
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2007/12/30/how-to-keep-from-losing-your-temper.html
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Love 'em, especially the last one. Things to try at home....
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Here are some more...
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2007/6/17/how-to-listen-to-other-peoples-problems.html
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2006/9/27/how-to-console-a-friend-who-is-having-marital-problems.html
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2006/8/20/how-to-deal-with-a-crazy-spouse.html
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:o :o :o
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ROFL
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I swear my H is the author of Midlife for Dummies.... wonder if he gets royalties??? :P
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Another unhappy person!!
with most likely an acurate insight
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7506645 (http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7506645)
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These are a little ray of sunshine in my day....
;D ;D ;D
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HAHAHAHAHAHA. V. good. Cheered me up!!
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Wow, Shantilly... just watched the one you posted....WTF is going on with these men? Real life just "isn't enough" for them?
Interesting about the Facebook hookup and stalking.... my husband deleted his FB account a few weeks ago and has been telling me he doesn't like Facebook for the longest time, with no explanation. I never asked why he deleted his account because neither one of us are very active, anyway, but all of his high school friends had found him, plus his family that lives in another state... cousins and such. Anyway, this weekend he goes on and on about FB again like it is so evil and he hates it and I ask why and he says.... wait for it...."It's just a pick up site where people go to hook up!" ummmm, how would YOU know? And, here's a thought, how about you don't "friend" strangers? I wonder if he saw FB as a temptation he has to guard himself from.... :o
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Has anyone seen the latest Geico commercial?
It stars the schmoopies!
They may not be the same characters. She said anyone can create skits using those templates. But I still just about fell off the couch laughing and poor Sweetheart was confusedby my behaviour--it took me a few minutes to stop laughing.
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This?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3vTNJ7Ym6Y&NR=1
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I'm baffled at how people fall for this sh**. Am I the only one? Not gonna try to figure it out but :o :o :o :o
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RCR, I DID see the new Geico commercial and wanted to run in her and post about it, but my husband was home and then I forgot.... I nearly fell out of bed at the line about "we are cute dogs or bears or something" and I wanted to yell "SCHMOOPIE" at the TV, but just giggled to myself...
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More....warning...these are angry......
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7564001/
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They are angry, but I still like hearing the disconnect between the cheating husband and his behaviors.... the way that cheap flattery is always at the forefront as well as the wife not paying enough attention to him... the way the cheater always affairs down.... waaaaaaaaaay down... what a slap in the face! Also, the part about texting, etc. and using the pet names... during our hyperbonding period, my husband was sexting and texting me and calling me "my love" which broke my heart because it is an endearment I would much prefer to "honey".... not hard to figure out he was sexier and more romantic toward his OW :'(
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Bump
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From one of the UK LBS:
Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait...... sorry.......
I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that.
Sorry.
I'll order a crate....
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LOVE IT!!
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If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
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TOOOOO FUNNY!!!
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not wanting to be left out..
I was married 25 years, one day i looked at my wife and said,
"Sweetie, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things, what has happened to you?"
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to, "Go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde," and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
B x
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When ever I have the "doubts" that mine is having a MLC, MIDLIFE for Dummies comes to mind and the doubts go away. I just love it.
Mermaid, I think they lose, and now I know why I drink wine
bewildered, thumps up on that one
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Bumping up for Synicca.... :)
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Everytime I see this thread pop up I picture H driving by looking for a boat...
maybe the pirate looks like Johnny Depp??
LOL!
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OK Here's some of the stuff:
Around Thanksgiving:
BY Still:
"Well, makin' a turkey beats, the tv dinners we usually have on Thanksgiving."
I'm not a violent person, but a couple drumsticks might just inflict the right amount of pain on a disgruntled guest.
Then stormrider:
Still!
I am trying to work out exactly what you are suggesting FHO do with those drumsticks!!!!!!
Forever hopeful one then posted:
Hahaha - thanks for the laugh Still and SR!
Not having turkey this year; going to make a pork roast. I'll tell ya where I'd like to shove the mashed potatoes though - oops, did I say shove?
Xoxoxo
Then Still posted:
FHO,
I'm thinking a well-placed turkey baster just might get those taters to just the perfect spot!
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Here's Readys list:
I have researched the archives and there are exceptions to the Golf Club rule in the situation the MCLer does not golf: (There is no order or limit to your responses/actions. Feel free to do one or more of the following)
1. Favorite couch/easy recliner may be burnt to a crisp (be sure to check local ordnance on public burning)
2. Reprogram the remote. Then on a count of three, smack him on the forehead with the remote. It causes great pain and public humiliation. "Say George, why is there a big red welt on your head with the word on/off written backwards?"
3. Take his tool box and bury it in the backyard. Remind him that one of your boundaries is not to help him look for anything that is missing. (Make sure while he tears the house apart, you read a magazine or talk on the phone then entire time.) Another twist on this is to take out the batteries of all flashlights.
4. Baseball bat may be substituted for golf clubs as long as it is a Louisville slugger
5. Favorite guns and rifles may be turned over to the authorities to be burnt/ melted ( When confronted, "Oh, honey you really didn't want me to hang on to that shotgun, did you?"
6. Destruction of all underwear is acceptable, removal of down from jackets in cold weather climates, and smacking him with shoes is acceptable. However, destruction of sports jerseys is not acceptable unless approved through an open vote of this forum. However, permanent stains are allowed.
7. When faced with no other options, one may select one stone weighing no more than a pound and smote thy MLCer in any location that the LBSer feels justified in striking the offender. This is the ready rule and be warned that once you do the ready rule, be ready to do some hard time.
8. These rules may be added to or reduced by forum members at anytime.
(((Hugs)))
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I apologize in advance and warn you about strong language- but you gotta laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV-RbmLc3Ss
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PEED MY PANTS!!! Too funny!! I LOVED THIS! My d18 said " Are those really those horses names?"
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Oh My!!!!! :) I am outta here..gotta run to book club. Thanks for the chuckle..the things I would not have found funny before!
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hahahaahahahahaha Just LOVE LOVE the video FTT!!!!
That made my day!!! ;D :D :)
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Please check out this site: http://damnyouautocorrect.com/
I laughed so hard i cried.
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LOL
I love that type of thing
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Heard Joel Osteen tell a joke this morning when I turned on the TV....
A man tells the preacher just before his wedding that if he will just skip over all of that love, honor and obey stuff in the wedding vows, he will give him $100. Come the wedding day, the preacher says "... and do you promise to bow down before and worship your wife in every way and wait on her hand and foot for the rest of your lives?" so of course the man reluctantly says "I do" and gets on with the wedding, but later, at the reception, he says to the preacher "How come you said all of that stuff in the vows? I thought we had a deal that you would leave out all that love, honor and obey stuff and I would give you $100!!" and the preacher tells him "We did, but your wife offered me a much BETTER deal!" :)
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;D ;D ;D Loved it!!! :o :o
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Bumping... ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Here is a new one.
http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/13-we-can-all-be-friends/
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Oh, today will be GOOD! New Schmoopies make me happy. Its my faorite show now.
;D ;D ;D
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Lgo
Do you know if Moonlocks h is still maintaining contact? Are these fictional or based on what he's really doing now?
Butterfly
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I don't really know if they're fictional but I believe moonlocks went to greenland....and when the H talked about his wife going to BALI with her bikini and only one pair of shoes....and that she looked HAPPY ;D ;D 8) ;D ;D ;D ;D well I did a little internal cheer for her...cuz I hope it's autobiograhphical....really....really hope.
HUGS n CHEERS
for Moonlocks!
These videos make my day
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Lgo
Do you know if Moonlocks h is still maintaining contact? Are these fictional or based on what he's really doing now?
Butterfly
I am not sure..... I am pretty sure it is based on her real life. (Who can make this stuff up????) She posts on SI, and it is kinda hard to follow someone there, especially when I don't go there much at all anymore.
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What is SI?
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SI=SurvivingInfidelity .com
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I just want her h to have tons of regret and remorse. And have his heart broken. And leave ow and try to get her back.
Butterfly
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Here is a new Schmoopie video.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXK_XyGRymg&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXK_XyGRymg&feature=player_embedded)
Is OW the bigger person by 20 or 30 pounds? Will they all be friends now that everything worked out for the better?
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I don't really know if they're fictional but I believe moonlocks went to greenland....and when the H talked about his wife going to BALI with her bikini and only one pair of shoes....and that she looked HAPPY ;D ;D 8) ;D ;D ;D ;D well I did a little internal cheer for her...cuz I hope it's autobiograhphical....really....really hope.
HUGS n CHEERS
for Moonlocks!
These videos make my day
She is going to BALI! Yay moonlocks and she does plan to take one pair of shoes and a convertible dress that can be worn twelve ways! What a lady I tell you...inspiring.
MORE CHEERS for Moonlocks
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Hey, I bought one of those dresses in Hawaii! BUT, I can't figure out how to wear it even ONE way, LOL!!
I've thought about using my own sitch to make one of those videos, but Moonlocks does it best, so there's no point!
I love that she is still seeing the disconnect in her husband with him being whipped by OW, even though his attention is still on his wife... sorry, I mean ex-wife, LOL!!
By the way, you can go to the website and sign up for new videos to be sent to your email... I think it's the video making website.... just check the info on Youtube.
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And another one!!
http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/part-14-kumbaya/
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Had to bump this..
Does anyone remeber the whole "Rollercoater Ride" page on the inet was as to how to drive your spouse nuts and what the address of that was?
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Init,
Are you talking about Midlife for Dummies?
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I'm not sure..I think it was worded like it was talking to an MLCer..Like how to cause the most confusion and anxiety in your spouse. Answer every question with "I don't know".
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Yes Still I found it you were right!!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=588546
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She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......Including the curtain rods. :o
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I have read this before but I still lmao everytime! Good one LGO!
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I've heard this one before also. Well worth posting repeatedly. ;D
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Hahahahahahahahahaha!! LOVE IT! I haven't heard that one LGO - thanks for posting - needed a good laugh.
Xoxo
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I hope that's a true story!
Butterfly
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Funny!
I just kept thinking wouldn't the shrimp carcass eventually dry up....not going to try to find out.
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Hahahaha!! This is so great! I already forwarded to several friends. :)
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PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!
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Fantastic!!! :o :o :o
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Thanks for the idea!! ;D
Hahahaha! The best part is, they took the curtain rods with them.. Hahaha
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I thought this might fit in here....Looks like the Queen dissed Charles' OW! See a vid here. Forward to about 1:30 for the dis. She shakes and chats with clergy, bypasses Camilla for Charles, accepts a quick curtsey from C, and moves on FAST. Without a word. You go Queen!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQIcKFSNFSk&feature=player_embedded
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I know we all love to hate Camilla, the public OW affair down, but it didn't look like a diss to me. Sorry! Loved the vid anyway.
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LGO
the vote of 300 + at our vilage street Party was that it was a snub by the Queen who oipenly dislikes Camilla as do the majority of English people - the OW she will always be to the Queen and the view here is that she is lazy, selfish and not a royal worker and to quote the royal website
The Archbishop of Canterbury, one o the Queens high officials, did make it clear that he was not happy about the marriage of Charles and Camilla. This is the reason why they were not married in church, despite the fact that the C of E dropped the total prohibition on the religious remarriage of divorced people back in 2002 or 2003. This change still allowed the Church to bar such remarriages on the basis of the circumstances of the divorce. The Archbishop's view was that even though Diana was dead, so that if Charles had wanted to marry someone other than Camilla he couldn't have been prevented from having a church wedding, Camilla's first husband was still alive, and her divorce had been the direct result of her extramarital relationship with Charles.
b
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have a giggle been looking for this for ages
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?"
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!
With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my V@g!n@ and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it!
Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
V@g!n@? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!
By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me as my hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the d!ckens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!
"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . .
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ROTFLMAO!!!!
I was a cosmotologist for twenty years.
I have waxed "bikini" lines before.
I actually was hit by someone once who had never had it done before-(thier reaction to the pain).
I myself have NEVER done this-and after reading about this experience I don't think I'll try it!!
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No don't think I will either lol
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OMG!!! I think I peed my pants! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
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That was so funny I had trouble breathing and now I have a stomach cramp. Oh, and I have tears in my eyes. The dogs got weirded out from my laughs and left the room. OMG- too funny. Thank you SL.
FTT
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I am cauliflower...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APYSdADpVFg&feature=related
And what the OW said...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsSC_FHRxWU&feature=related
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Oh this made me snort/laugh at work. Had to take a break and pull myself together. The lady who wrote this is one of my favorite blogger mommies.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julianna-w-miner/internet-dating-for-marri_b_859019.html
:D
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An hour's reprieve from the MLC insanity>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2593Qfhhtlk
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Oh No!!!!!!
Not Ronald McDonald!!!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43068405/ns/business-retail/
L
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Ohhhhhhhhh shantilly just read your waxing episode.............seriously you should go into comedy i laughed that much i nearly wet myself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Limitless
The Ronald McDonald story is making some headlines today.....no wonder society doesn't take MLC seriously. That creepy looking Burger King is probably next.
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Bumping up for Newbies...
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BRILLIANT! Thank you for the smile.
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Does anyone know where I can find the funny video's about taking revenge... It were different short films on what you can do ( or better not) to take revenge. I recall this was a youtube video but I can remember where I find it on the forum?
TX
Eternity
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This one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knhyV53zIDs
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Yep, That's the one
i needed some inspiration ( just kidding ::))
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SL - the wax story is great! OUCH!!! :o :o :o I could feel the pain but oh so funny. Thanks for the laugh!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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SL, that wax story had me laughing so hard the tears ran -- that was excellent; I've needed that kind of laugh! Thank you!
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Love the billboard idea!!! HMMMMMMMM
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Bumping up for Newbies.... this should be required watching if you're new to the board, LOL!!
If you're new, click on the link and start at NUMBER ONE and watch in order.... for the rest of you old timers, here's a NEW one....ENJOY!!
http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2011/06/27/part-15-my-ex-wife-is-a-zombie/ (http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2011/06/27/part-15-my-ex-wife-is-a-zombie/)
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OMG this is hysterical. make cupcakes for the ex wife's ex children---the ow is soooo crazy lmao ;D
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This woman is a genius methinks......
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Yet she does abuse cheese and mixes sausage and apples. ;D
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sorry to not agree with everyone but this youtube on revenge I think is sad not funny!!
the hatered and vengeance these people felt show they are not dealing with the situation - yes they are victims of someones selfishness and disregard for their feelings but an eye for an eye has never helped anyone heal!!
Just IMO and I know I am probably alone ....... but who's the winner here? and how do the women who retaliated look .. no dignity or self pride?
B
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OMG Shantilly......I just read your story!!
ROTFFLMFAO!!! Now that almost made me pee my pants!!!!!! :O)
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Ya know, I did recieve cupcakes from OW a few weeks ago.
Seriously.
She sent cupcakes.
There really is a script for this isn't there?
:o
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Somewheres on my thread waaaaaaaaaaay back last year there is a story of a time when H brought cupcakes by and I was VERY confident they were sent from OW as...well I just knew but he said they were from somewhere else.
Anyway I texted him and said
OH my goodness were the cupcakes sitting in your car. I just had one and I feel so sick. I HAD TO THROW THEM AWAY. Thank God I didn't give them to the kids ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Sometimes in MLC we get to have fun too and I'm actually getting to the point where I can enjoy a bit of it...really
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LMAO!!! You just cant make this sh*t up!!!! I'm telln you!!!
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Love it!
;D ;D ;D
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Buggy, I remember that episode in your sitch!! I love how OW tries to be MOTHERLY when he own kids are practically NEGLECTED in order to be with your husband, her MARRIED BOYFRIEND, yet balking cupcakes is the best she can come up with... :o
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I was looking for a thread to post this in; for everyone who is looking for that "quick fix", I offer you...
http://make-everything-ok.com/
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^^^^^
Bumping this up for all the new members but us oldies as well to cheer us up 8)
xx
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Hi JA
I found this on Sunday after you and V had talked about it, I was rolling about laughing and the kids just looked bemused. Think MLC gives us a warped sense of humour. Especially liked the lasagne bit in the Big Apology, I had my own lasagne moment.
T x
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Here is a short film full of gaslighting, projection, ford road jets, and trading the baby for toys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xza2N_RPhQ
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Ok this is just for fun (I probably have a warped sense of humour) but I think sometimes it is necessary.
1) tempted to call H after he had left and tell him I was pregnant after our one post BD sex session in October. The worst sex of my life, ever btw. But I did chuckle over the PANIC a post-hideous-sex pregnancy scare would have created in his nifty new life... having to tell OW...lol.
2) Throw a big wine and cheese party and open all of H's precious vintage wine collection for my guests. Then wait for him to come over so that he can witness me dumping the undrunk half bottles down the toilet and saying, "I didn't realise it was that important to you, I thought you wouldn't have anywhere to store it in your itty bitty flat with OW's shoes collection"
3) Set up a fake FB account with a very hot picture of a fake other-OW and message real OW "by accident" telling her how sorry that H had left her for me, but I knew that she would understand because he can't be expected to "stay with someone just because they supported him" (her exact words to him). Then get out the popcorn.
Your turn...
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You little devil, your sense of humor is as warped as mine.
I love it, give me some time to process this one; I'm sure I'll come up with something vicious and wild to add.
Love it, we all need to laugh more often, it's medicine for the soul.
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C'mon - surely Tsunami and I aren't the only depraved, vindictive (but a little funny ;)) individuals on here?
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Hmm spraying Dearhearts clothes with my perfume.
leaving my hair draped through his clothes
I wanted to get chilli and rub it on his knickers so he thought he was getting soemthing.
It was even funnier when he got ring worm down there instead
I wanted to get a PI to photograph me and Dearheart under her name and send the photos to her.
Oh the list goes on
sending std pamphletts to him addressed to both LOL
or a notification to him saying a person he has been intimate with has tested for a disease and he needs to be tested.
Oh I could keep going
I was good though.
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ummm well - these both came from a couple of friends of mine who have known H and I for years and are gobsmacked at the alien lifeform:
Friend to knock on studio door when we know H is not there and OW is - casually ask to speak to H - would then ask to pass on a message to him that the test was positive (pregnancy or STD - who cares? either would do)
Because H is lying to OW about his clinging interaction with me and how often he is here - friend suggested she and a few others jump on him and pin him down next time he shows up. Give him a 'teenage' lovebite on his neck and send him back on his merry way to OW to explain how he got it ...
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I wanted to go where H works on weekend, find where his truck is parked and under cover of darkness key the word "Adulterer" in capital letters with an arrow pointing up on the driver's side door. Maybe something just as fitting on "her" side of the truck too. Now that would give me some pleasure. His name AND mine are both on the title to the truck anyway.
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Kikki,
So let us know how your friends get on with that lovebite ;D
Let him know I tested positive to STD and he's the only one I could have got it from.....
Send a (larger than normal) card with the kids tomorrow when they go out for his birthday, with the words on the front "to my husband on his birthday from your loving wife'. OW will no doubt be there ;) :D ;D :)
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LOL! This is hilarious!
Ok, so can I admit to doing something psycho? After I found out about the EA, I googled this woman and found tons of pictures of her on line. It made me insane because I had been feeling really good about myself having just lost 50 lbs....something I knew my husband had wanted me to do. When I saw her picture and discovered she was obese, I nearly popped my cork. Please understand I don't care about that normally...but this was such a slap in the face when he had wanted me to lose weight so badly, then once I did, wound up betraying me for someone twice my size. Come on.
Well, once I stopped crying every minute and feeling like I was going to jump off a cliff, I got MAD.
So when I tell you what I did, please pardon my language...I was REALLY MAD. Insane type MAD.
Anyway, this was perhaps psycho, but mild... I went out and bought a pendant and chain. On the pendant, I had initials enscribed on each side. One side read: AAIAFFB which translated to her initials, then, "is a fat ******* b*tch".
On the other side, I had enscribed "DEFW then my intials...that translated to Don't ever **** with... again, my initials. I wore that stupid pendant every day and you know what? It gave me strength in some wierd way.
One day, H noticed it and asked what it meant. I told him. He looked at me like I was insane...I didn't really care.
I then wrote a poem about her to the tempo of Twas the Night before Christmas. It was absolutely disgusting but in my opinion, hilarious. I read it to H. Again, he thought I was insane. Again, I did not care.
I put that necklace away in my drawer about 6 months later. I have to tell you, it was really stupid and petty and childish but there was something about wearing it...like a talisman, that reminded me that I was not going to lay down and get bulled over by some disgusting woman nor by my own H.
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My exH has a very expensive watch collection and he is insanely proud of it - you know the kind - for the watch to fulfill it's potential worth you hhave to have the original box and various certificates.
Lots of my friends would say to me 'MF why don't you hide is watch boxes?'
I never did as I don't want to have issues in the future about how I behaved towards him.
Anyway things got very sticky during the Financial Settlement bit of the divorce and I ended up lovingly packing all of his stuff from our home and allowing him to come and collect them.
Anyway he collected everything and there was one very obvious ommission - his Rolex Daytona box was missing - I had gone through everything and I knew I didn't have it - it had disappeared. I do not know where it is. He was hopping mad - I mean stark staring bonkers and you can all imagine how awful he was - accusing me of selling it/throwing it away blah blah blah. His watch is worth half without the original box.......ha ha ha.
So, the Karma Bus came into town that day and I have to say everyone I've told laughs and then asks me if I DO know where it is...and as god is my judge I don't.
See, proof positive we LBS's don't have to do much to get 'revenge'
Fab thread
P
x
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MF,
You can tell him I have the box...I'm keeping my pendant in it.
LOL!
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Ha ha ha I love the way this has gone from what you would like to do..to what you actually have done....
well i punched H full force in the kisser the day I found out about OW ...violence is not good and i have never laid a finger on him or him on me in the previous 21yrs , but now after all I have been through I am sooooo glad I did he he ;)
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There was actually a TV programme here in the Uk about revenge...one woman when she found out sold her H Porsche on ebay for £5.....saying the first to the house to drive it away could have it before her H could get home from work ha ha
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Hahahha!
Hyperglad, I did not hit my husband but I hit the fiance whom I never married...that came before H.
I found out the night before our HUGE wedding that he never wanted to get married and probably would not show up!
I beat the tar out of him. First and last person I've ever hit.
I'm not proud but I don't regret it either.
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These are brilliant. I know the MLCers deserve our compassion, sympathy, understanding, blah, blah, blah and that "this is harder on them than it is on us" (although I am not so sure about that, H has no financial worries, he is shacked up with a 20 something for responsibility-free sex, doesn't have to look after his kids for c. 27 days of each month, he can go out and party every night of the week and never has to pre arrange babysitting - I am not convinced it is "harder" on him, he seems to be living with his supposed "guilt" quite easily these days).
I guess all that I have left is my dignity - although I did and said things that I regret (like the night I just yelled "you are EVIL" at him over and over again (to no reaction, he didn't care). But I knew at the time I could do all these things and really f*** with him, and I didn't.
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I wanted to make up a fake FB as a really HOT man...and put I was in a R with him...open
up my FB and his and have a licid Fake Affair on there...posting our undying love and passion for
eachother...LOL
Just in case H looked at my Fb...hehehe
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SP - :D Sure will let you know how my friends get on executing that love bite! She made me laugh - she's a bit of a hoot!
Pretty lame - but when H had just left and I had no idea he was living with OW - wasn't I a naive little thing back in those days! - he was so full of himself and felt so entitled to keep talking about this blonde bimbo all of the time (sorry to those lovely LBS that are blonde, but I'm brunette and it is a bit of a cliche). (he used to come home every day until I put a stop to it) - I was so outraged at his out of character behaviour, that I threw a full cup of tea in his face while he was sitting in a chair. It was luke warm by that stage, but the shocked look at my out of character behaviour was priceless.
I was thinking I would have loved to have punched him full in the face, but he was so psycho, didn't risk it!! ;D
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OMG, I love this thread!
I've never done anything at all either to H or his PB.... (OW) but now my H is threatening me (through my S) that if I get rid of any of his possessions including clothes - he will have me arrested for THEFT????? Hello? What the UK now has the Clothing Police does it??? I can just imagine the Police coming round to my door and saying "Hello Mrs ... - we understand that you have in your possession 3 pairs of trousers, 15 shirts - 2 pairs of shoes and a dress suit that your H wore on your last cruise together - is this true?" "Of course Officer - come in - guilty as charged!" WTF!!!!!!
Hell - WILL - freeze over before that MF gets any of his stuff out of MY house after 12 months with his PB!!!!
Yahooo!!! The Karma bus i Cuming around!!!!
Lots of mischievious love and hugs
Foxyyyy Lady xxxx
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Oh I have just remembered something I did to scupper his plans (albeit indvertantly) - I found about 12 USB sticks in his drawer once when I was putting his underwear away - I thought they were there in error so I put them into the 'could come in handy drawer' in the kitchen - it was about 6 months later I went to use one and it was filled with our photographs from our computer - in retrospect he wanted a copy as part of his leaving plan and I'd tidied them away!!
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What a delightful thread!
Love the lap tea!
;D
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Love it FB, that really made me laugh ;D
SKx
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;)
Foxxy xxxx
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Yes, like the tea incident ;D.
"Hello Mrs ... - we understand that you have in your possession 3 pairs of trousers, 15 shirts - 2 pairs of shoes and a dress suit that your H wore on your last cruise together - is this true?" "Of course Officer - come in - guilty as charged!" WTF!!!!!!
PMSL!!! Have you arrested! For having his clothes, that HE LEFT, in your house???
My H boxed up all the family photo albums and "put them away" for the children. Like our kids are going to reminisce fondly about our marriage when they are grown up ( he left when S was 5 and D was 1), they are going to barely remember we ever DID live together unless he comes back, the big freak. And if he doesn't chances are I will meet someone else and THAT person will be the man they associate fondly with family life. Fortunately I had already found the forum by the time he said that and kept my lips zipped.
One of my most memorable moments was when H was trying to "bait me" right before mediation, 1 week after leaving. He kept saying (in monsterish accusatory tones), "I am not crazy you know". I kept replying, "no, I don't think that you are crazy". He kept repeating it, though, like if he said it enough he could get me into a full-blown argument about his sanity. Thanks to the discovery of this site, I just let it go...
I should have arrived at the next meeting with a big white straight jacket to give him whilst continuing to say "no, no, I don't think you are crazy, there, there, shhhhhhhh..."
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Now S and D, maybe you got lucky and managed to get one of those 'thoughtful' MLCers after all. How sweet of him to put away the photos for the children :o :o :o
Love the 'crazy' speech. My H, after admitting on many occasions that something is not quite right with him, that he burnt out, that he had a 'break down', BUT has also said on many occasions in a very accusatory tone 'my biggest regret is ever agreeing to your idea that I'm crazy and that something is wrong with me - you've made the boys scared to be with me' (yeah right - like they don't have eyes and ears of their own - they are very mature and astute teenagers!!)
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S&D thank you for this thread!!! I have tears coming down my face......from laughing!!!!!!
I wrote this ad and was going to post it on Craigslist:
FREE SPOUSE
[/b][/color]
Looking to give my spouse to another home. Nice to look at, works alot. Tolerates some children, but don't let them be heard. He likes to spend time with friends and work, so very little time is needed.
Warning: This spouse is high maintenance, very insecure. The time you do spend together will be spent cauldling his ego. The money he makes is spent on himself, so don't think he will actually share a life with you. If you're interested in a shallow relationship at no cost to you, you can pick him up at the corner of Loser Street and Hopeless Avenue.
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Brilliant OO!! ;D
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Must admit I have don't something naughtly - not really bad though.
Just after the second BD, it was my ex's birthday. It was also 2010 World Cup, so I got him a t-shirt, boxers, socks and cuff-links relating to World Cup. He appeared to be really pleased with them, but on reflection I can now see it was too personnal given the circumstances.
They stayed in his wardrobe, complete with the labels on. So recently (ok I was having a bit of a bad day), I took them out and gave them to charity. To me it felt like he didn't want anything I got him, so I thought why not let someone else have the use of them.
Slightly naughty, but surprisingly I don't feel bad about it.
SKxxx
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A few months ago after H took our Ds on a visit to OWs house against their wishes, he avoided my phone calls and refused to speak to me about it.
I accidentally on purpose smashed up his works telephone in anger. When he visited a couple of days later and went to check his messages, the phone was lying on the floor in lots of little pieces. I just said 'Oh, I wonder how that happened'. I would love to have been there when he took it into work to get it replaced.
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I'm obviously very bad. I didn't hit H, but I threw things at him (shoes, cushions).
My friend gave me a voodoo doll, symbolizing OW, with pins to stick in it. I had fun with that.
I recorded one of my fingerprints to access his computer and downloaded a programme to get all his passwords.
As I was also monitoring his emails at one point (note to newbies... do not do this), I knew where he would be and turned up unannounced and sat down with OW and H.
I bought a cunning disguise (long black hair and a beard) with the intention of following them. Didn't actually do it, but the plan was in place.
OW was a daughter of a friend of mine, and I told a friend all about H and OW, who told another friend, who informed OW's mum, who got angry with OW, who then whinged to H.
I met OW at my D's place, where she was having a private dinner alone with my H. I was able to tell her exactly what I thought of her. OW (childishly) stuck her fingers in her ears “I don’t have to listen to this”. H tried to intervene, but I told him “and it’s about time that you grew up and stopped your egotistical adolescent behaviour. You are responsible for all this, with your lies and lack of responsibility and caring. I have said enough to you. I don’t want any more talk” and I left, dramatically.
I said other things too, way too much, but after 2 years of containing myself it actually felt good.
You know what? I don't care any more. That feels better.
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Mermaid - that's all fantastic stuff - LOVE IT ;D
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This thread is great i have a confession to make when o/w moved into her new house after being evicted from her other house.........i had a key that i had cut from my h stupidly leaving in his coat......the day i found it i went and had another cut.....i put the old back..........when she was evicted she left lots of debts behind..so i went and retrieved the addresses.....set up a fake emaihttp://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/Smileys/default/grin.gifl in her name and sent the creditors her new address.they sent me an email thanking me thinking i was o/w and would change the address to the new one ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D i bet she wonders how they got her new address :o :o :o :o :o she recently got caught claiming benefits too and as to go to court........nothing to do with me but she put my h down as father on birth certificate and bragged on her facebook they checked her up she shopped herself lol i had to pretend to h i was upset for him cos now he was having to keep her on his wage and hes struggling............ in side i was howling ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D.............
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Just remembered something I did about a year ago.
I have no idea why, but out of the blue H asked me what I had done with his wedding ring. With a straight face I explained to him 'Do you remember all that scrap gold I took to the jewellers before Christmas, well your wedding ring was part of it. I didn't think to tell you as you said you no longer thought of your self as married, so I knew you would not be needing it'.
His face was an absolute picture, and he got really angry about it. As I said I have no idea why it should bother him.!!
I let him sweat for a few weeks, then guilt got the better of me and I told him the truth.
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WGH and Glimmer - very good. I wish I had done something a little revengeful, not huge, just little. To give me something funny to look back on. The worst I did was openly laugh at H when he was pleading at OW to understand why he was still at my house on the day he was moving everything out (he was taking too long, hehehe). He didn't see what was funny (or pathetic) about their whiny desperate exchange. I was tempted to say (loudly), "thank you for that wonderful shag, H, you are welcome to get some from me whenever she is not doing it for you"
lol
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Just this morning H yelled for me to hit the alarm when it went off (he's been sleeping in living room since May). I hit snooze. A few minutes later I got to thinking about it, and I got up and turned the alarm completely off. Got back into bed. About a half hour later I hear H getting up and cursing because now he is late. He comes in the bedroom and is angrily telling me that he meant for me to hit the snooze button not turn the alarm off. I zipped my lips, stared at him briefly and tried to look confused and sleepy. Laid my head back down while he stormed out of the room, still cursing. Hey if you want me to hit the right button then say it right. Better yet, take the alarm clock into the living room with u since I don't even use it. If you are going to blast the television or computer any hour u want to, not caring if I get four hours or two hours or no hours of sleep, then I am going to be way too sleep-deprived and cranky to care if you are on time for your appointment.
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Ok, so first time xh moved out he left his wine collection and I used the platter guide to choose the best of his collection and made stew with it (I don't drink wine) :) I bought him a nomination bracelet when we were in italy and he let OW add a few links so I stole it. He is still looking for it and even offering to pay the kids if they find it.
That's the extent of my mischief, my Ds on the other hand - when he left, he did not take all his clothes and when he came back, he found that the toes had been cut off all his socks, his undies has holes cut out and all his shirts had no sleeves. To be truthful I laugh to myself everytime I remember his face as he started checking all his clothes and realised this was not an accident. I did reprimand the girls though.
This is a really great topic
Thanks
Tiff
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Tif that reminded me of last yr when it was h's birthday and he come home for a few months.......i was struggling to get him something for his birthday so asked if he wanted the new footie top.........he said no he didn’t like the colours.......anyway a few weeks later a new footie top appeared in the house (the same one i wanted to buy him).........so this last time when he was leaving to go to o/w i unpicked the stitching and placed in the bag with the dirty clothes i got out of the wash........texted him and said you better come for your dirty laundry...im not washing it so he did.......... o/w must have washed it and guess what it dropped to bits when she took it out of the washer ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)ohhhh i bet her face was a picture lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Mermaid- I sooo loved that!! wish I was a fly on the wall after you walked out..:D :D :D
Thread continued at MLC Humor II:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=803.0