[Trustandlove]

I love to read some of the jokes here....  it's been a while since I've had a belly laugh as well... 

[SpecialK]

In the beginning you wonder if you will ever laugh again.  The things that you enjoyed no longer fill you with joy, it's hard to socialize when all the time you want to run back to the safety of your own home.  You blame yourself for everything, you spend sleeping nights going over and over everything - what if's play are major part.  Sub-consciously you put your life on hold even though that was the one thing you tell yourself you wouldn't do.  Everything inside feels dead.  You constantly look for answers, you talk to the world and his wife to get their advice\options (I did, and on reflection it was one of the worse things I could have done, because I took on their views and it make me feel worse).

Slowly and it is slow, you slow start waking up, the fog starts to clear,  You start to emerge yourself back into things and you surprise yourself how much you enjoyed it.  You start to see things how they really are and that you are not totally to blame for this.  You start to work on yourself, changing the things you don't like about yourself (you, not them), allowing yourself to be you again.

When mind dropped the second bomb, although I was in floods of tears at the time - when he said 'ILUBNILWY' I wanted to laugh and say 'not that old chestnut!'

I know we've heard it so many times before, but time really is the greatest healer, along with patience (they become our best friends). 

[Mermaid]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.


 

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[Mermaid]

Eve's side of the story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So Eve, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrise and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?

[OldPilot]

Eve's side of the story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So Eve, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrise and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?

LMAO.
Very good

[ForeverHopefulOne]

When Insults Had Class... These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words (which of course, are much shorter to say, but...):

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it" - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[Broken Hearted]

Thanks ForeverHopefulOne!
The first one from Winston Churchill is one of my all-time favourites!

[ForeverHopefulOne]

I like this one myself:  "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

hahahaha!

[mercury]

MLC for Dummies was great and its right on the mark, helps me to remember he is in crisis and a dummy

[Mermaid]

Haha, FHO, I really laughed at these!