Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: turkisheye on July 08, 2012, 09:28:01 AM
-
I know very little about OW. H met her at college in 2008/2009 and in 2009 the EA began by text/facebook before progressing to PA. He said they sometimes went for months without any kind of contact and when he was down he got back in touch with her. He left in October 2011 and started living with her and her 8 year old son in January until the start of June when he told her it was over and moved back to his mums. We have been working things out since the middle of June which is when he disclosed the OW.
I think about her quite a bit of the time. I don't know her name or what she looks like only that she works in our town. She apparently knows who I am. I know she was just a band aid for my MLC H but what did you want to know about the OW? I do NOT want to know anything sexual as this would be too much.
Is it wiser for me to remain oblivious? I wonder if she is prettier, more educated, funnier, slimmer than me :(
Many thanks for any comments.
Much love, TE x
-
TE,
She got involved with a married man. This not only shows a lack of character but a sign of sickness in her brain. What healthy, "normal" woman - who had decent self esteem and self control gets involved with a married man? You mention that she had a child....and she willingly moved in with a married man - with her kid.....????
I'm sure that your H told her all kinds of lies....but she chose to believe them. If he had been serious about a relationship with her - he would have done the right thing and NOT gotten involved with her while still married. He wouldn't have just moved in with her so quickly.....She shows a lack of good judgment.
Is she more educated? She certainly isn't smart.
Is she funnier? Does it really matter? I wonder how funny she is now?
Is she slimmer? Prettier? Those questions are just your insecurities getting the best of you. I get it. I do.....Just don't let this get to you.
Don't allow yourself to get into a contest with the OW (even if it is just in your head).
Your H took up with an OW - to avoid dealing with whatever issues he had. When the OW is described as a "band-aid" - it is an apt description. She means NOTHING. NOTHING.
I understand your feelings...and the insecure feelings you are having. We've all had them - when your spouse walks out on you and gets with another person...it is a terrible hit to our self esteem.
I know that you know your H returned early. There will be ups and downs. It will be tough on him....it will be tough on you. In order for you to be able to deal with this...you need to be strong...self confident.....healthy.....as he will cycle.
I can't see how learning anything about OW will help you.
JMHO.
L
-
Thanks for the virtual kick up the butt limitless ::) You're right about everything about her and deep down I know she was not a catch in any way.
I do feel a bit insecure/intimidated knowing she knows who I am, where I live etc whereas I could pass her in the street without knowing. But do I really need to know? Will it help or hinder my progress and progress with my H?
Bah! It was bad enough just dealing with a vanishing MLCr nevermind an OW too :o ;)
Thanks again, TE x
-
My gut tells me (because I'm definitely not at this point yet) that maybe it would be easier to get that info you need for closure once the emotional edge is worn off a bit and the two of you have healed through the other parts of the crisis. Maybe by then, you won't even want to know those things. But if you do, at least you'll be able to handle it together on sturdier ground. With MLC, timing seems to be everything. ;) I have never met my H's OW, but we have mutual friends who have confirmed the affair down. It brings me peace, but if we reconcile, there are things I would want to know for closure. I think that is very natural and very fair.
-
For me i needed to know everything right away. I grilled him endlessly before i kicked him out the door...but that was anger, shock disbelief. When i found out she was 27 I thought that's it game over i was 51 :o I wanted to see her face because like you i was worried she could be next to me in a shop and i wouldn't know...but we are all different.
My H left for the night then came back the next morning...i asked all kinds that hurt both me and him...but for me it was an essential part of healing...I hated they had secrets i didn't know. I agree with Limitless she is nothing, none of them are...lost themselves, craving others lives. Don't rush into anything...take time...but do not shy away either from asking what you feel you should or need to know.
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
-
I am faced with this right now - one thing I have found out is that I am not ready to know and I don't know if I want to think that far. I have for the most part not acknowledged her very existence. I have often told people that she is a non-entity to me as she was a symptom of what was wrong in my marriage prior to her, he is also sick and that is not my husband but a shell and God will know when to give him the nudge. I have done an awful lot of soul searching and for me I want to address the issues that lead up to it but I don't want to discuss their relationship because OW isn't going to exist in our future, if I am wrong I am still stronger than I was a few months ago and can handle it. I do however want to make sure my husband understands that because of his actions trust is very fragile and work on us, not work on them or have him focus on her. This is my time with him and healing, I may change my mind when I feel we are healed and more stable but right now, my questions would only be a reminder of that "fun" and non-reality while he is faced with reality and me.
-
I find that when I begin to obsess about him & OW it is usually b/c there is something up with ME. The blows that you take to self-esteem at BD produce feelings of jealousy & blaming OW. I regress when I am feeling down or ill or tired. Just saying, when I think about him & OW, I get to work on me.
-
I think there's an enormous difference between the alienator living miles away, or even in another part of a large city - but this alienator knows who you are and works in your town and you might walk past her and not know who she is, while she will know who you are?
If it was me, I would want to know the barest details, so that I would know who I was passing by in the street, otherwise I'd be scanning every unknown face wondering if it's her? It would do my head in.
I'd far rather deal with a simple fact. Yes it is her - or no it is not her.
We all know she's a bandaid for your H's crisis etc, but I think this is something different altogether.
Just my thoughts and how I would respond.
-
Kikki said, If it was me, I would want to know the barest details, so that I would know who I was passing by in the street, otherwise I'd be scanning every unknown face wondering if it's her? It would do my head in.
I'd far rather deal with a simple fact. Yes it is her - or no it is not her. .
Yeah me too. To be honest, I would know by now [my h's bandaid lives 50 miles away]. It is the better me that says, no don't go there. The real me would have done the detective work.
-
TE
Don't be so hard on yourself. You have only just found out this woman existed and that your H was having a PA with her. You are exactly where we all were when we found out but the difference being your H and you are trying to work things out. Most of us have had years to come to terms with OW and give her little or no thought now. In my early days I spent hours imagingin them together in all sorts of places including bed!
This is a healing process and it will get better. Remember no matter how beautiful, slim or intelligent you think she was your H has chosen you because he knows you are the one he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with.
xx
-
Agree with Kikki. This woman knows who you are and works in your town. I would like to know who she is in order not to be thinking “would it be this one? Or that one?”. Nothing to do with her being thinner, funnier or whatever just that I would like to know who she is.
Since you already know there is OW, knowing who she is seems normal to be. Especially under the circunstances. Like Kikki said, she does not live miles away or in another part of a big city. That makes it different.
Also agree with Justasking, don't be so hard on yourself, you've just found out there is OW. The healing process will take time and you must not try to speed it up.
-
I wanted to know, I needed to know. When they are in the same town, when it is possible that you could be standing right next to them in the grocery store, YOU NEED TO KNOW. It is not fair to not be told! Why should she be protected and from what.. you? You can put her into her place in the scheme of things when you know who she is. I too did not want secrets.
My belief was, if my h wanted a life with me, then it had to be based on honesty. TELL me everything I need to know. Knowing who the OP was, is an important fact. We all know he/she is just a bandaid but when we don't know who the bandaid was, it simply breeds more insecurity for us. Why will he not reveal her to me? What is this precious little secret that they are sharing?
I've only run into OW once since we reconciled... once in 6 whole years. She now works on the same floor as my h, I have eliminated going to his work place, as I have no desire to run into her again. I am not afraid of her, or even care about her, I just don't want to be near her, ever. I don't blame her, at least not as much as I blame my h. I don't give her a total pass, that is for sure, she is a scank unworthy of washing my floors.
You are either my spouse or you are not. You do not get to have the privilege of having a dirty little secret with some UNKNOWN person. Or tell or not tell! You lost the right to your privacy and the OP's too. He/she is not entitled to protection. Protect me... forget about OP! Spouses only concern, should be what will make LBS feel safe, secure, loved again! No more nasty surprises... just tell it all, get it out there. Equip your LBS with the tools he/she needs to heal him/herself.
hugs Stayed...
-
I ditto Stayed's response. I wanted to know everything (well almost) and I have run into OW more times than I care to. However, with knowledge came a lot of cycling and processing which is still going on a year later. So I caution anyone ask what you are only capable of hearing and processing. It is painful. I needed to know so I could process it because of my personality type, but I believe it is lengthening my healing process as well.
I do place blame on the OW, just as much as H (perhaps that will change), however, H ultimately made the decision to betray our vows and he is ultimately the one responsible. On a good note, H has been very protective of me, he is empathatic and remorseful. When I am in pain, he is in pain. He states over and over how he can't believe he did this.
What I can tell you is that OW is a symptom, disposable, a bandaid. She is temporary and not logical or really real in her interactions. My H's OW fit BPD to a "T" as most do. Trust me, what starts off magical or fairytale, ends with an explosion . . . eventually. She is not the person he loves.
Hugs,
-
I totally agree Sassy. If you don't know what you can take, then don't ask. For me, the fear of having the person who lived with my husband know who I was, but me not know who she was, was simply UNACCEPTABLE! How would I ever feel safe? I would always be looking over my shoulder, wondering, is she the one? Is it her? No thank you.
Now, I didn't need to know DETAILS. I really didn't want to know anything personal, no thank you. I wanted to know if they had gone to restaurants that we went to and would still want to go to, as I didn't want people to think, whose he with now? I didn't want to repeat THEIR adventures. but I wanted to know,if he had taken her to places that I considered to be OUR special places. As they would no longer be my special place. Stuff like that, I felt I deserved to know.
I also wanted to know what lies they had exchanged about me and our kids. I know though that I never got the full truth about that. He cannot and has never been able to admit that he told her things about me, that he had no business telling anybody, least of all her. So be it. Some things I cannot do a thing about.
I found though, that once I knew, I was able to let it go. Forget about it. Not everybody is like, if you aren't ... then don't do it!
hugs Stayed
-
Have to say I feel EXACTLY like Stayed. I'm grateful ow lives in another state... so I NEVER have to run into her, but the the WHOLE state of Connecticut is now tainted as far as I'm concerned because she lives there... one day it won't be so, but for now....
-
I needed to know the same things Stayed. I too wanted to know the lies he told her about me. I know some, but not most and frankly he really can't remember at this point. I hated the fact that so many lies about me were told. H states that he had to make himself feel that way about me so he could justify in his mind what he was doing. WHATEVER . . . MLC script. Argh, I can't change it so I moved on from that.
MLC'ers take their OW to our "special" places and they actually try to recreate our "special" memories. I know most places they went and it used to bug me, now I go there just to condition myself not to be bothered by the past. H and I have talked (yes he is more vocal than most MLC'ers) about why he took her places and he said he was trying to recreate memories. He did things that felt good to him from his past (DUH hit him with a silly stick!). Now he says he wants nothing more than to create memories with me.
So questioning about the affair is normal, just remember if they are on that truth train, you may not like what you hear. (Oh yea, snooping in journals/diaries, etc., will just make matters worse for you too.) Remember this, they are not in their right minds during the affair, anything they said, did, etc. was purely selfish and they were trying to medicate themselves to feel better from THEMSELVES. It is not and never was about the LBS'er.
Hugs everyone,
Sassy
-
I knew who OW was; she was the daughter of a friend of mine. What I didn't know was the nature of their R after her internship with H ended. At first I found out something by chance, then I snooped (and I was good at getting passwords, etc).
I needed to know because H refused to tell me, or he would say "we're just friends" and "it's all in your imagination". Gaslighting. Except he would spend (at first) hours on line writing her emails, telling her intimate things about himself (and he's a very private person). Then "I could fall in love with you" and "I'm overwhelmed by you". When he started meeting up with her, and lying to me, I knew about that too. Then I read "you were so sexy yesterday", "you get my libido going". I knew every lie that he told me, and every inappropriate thing he said to her, and there were plenty.
Did it help me? Yes and no. H was, and is still, in total denial that anything ever happened. It was gratifying that I could find evidence to support my intuition.
But in another way it didn't help because H still refuses to accept that it was anything but friendship, and doesn't recognise EAs. So, he has never apologised for it, and never promised to stop seeing her. He refuses to admit that she did anything wrong, even when she lied and said I was threatening her ("that's how she felt, very threatened that you were going to take me away from her when I was the only one she could trust" ??? :o), lied to her mother, who is no longer my friend, and so he still thinks that she is someone wonderful....
It doesn't help to know so much. The more we know, the harder it is to forget, and to forgive.
-
Frankly I want to know nothing about OW. Nothing. Anyone who deliberately destroys a family does not deserve my attention.
I must admit it would be easier to avoid her if I knew who she was. There are three women friends of his I feel are potential candidates and so I just avoid all three of them to be on the safe side. Two of the three are well known for Borderline personality type behavior (fragile waif, noone understands them, single mother, need to be rescued by knight in shining armor, previous homewrecking activities), and the other one is an otherwise nice single mom who was cruelly abandoned by my husbands best friend.
But thankfully it appears that H is working hard to tell me nothing, so I havent had to make any effort in this regard. Just let him play his role of saving the damsel in distress...I assume that he will someday get tired when it gets to real.
-
By the way just to mention. In the past my husband used gaslighting and projection a lot. I really feel for people whose husbands use this tactic as it is incredibly cruel. Whenever he mistreated me he would tell me that I was angry. Whenever he was caught doing deceptive or cruel things he would tell me that I was mentally ill. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I would ever take him back...but divorcing and starting over is not for the faint hearted and I really feel like I lack the determination and will power. He will have to corral me into it.
-
Leftalone:
That's pretty typical MLC behavior unfortunately. I know in my sitch, that is what happened in monster mode. As for OW, I never wanted to know anything about her until AFTER we were reconnecting. She was a non-issue to me during replay for the most part for a variety of reasons.
Always remember, this is about them, not you, we use the time we are given to improve ourselves, strengthen ourselves in order to make a smart solid decision for us.
Hugs,
Sassy
-
I felt the same way Sassy. I think if we had NEVER RECONCILED, I probably would never have even bothered to try and find out who she was. I too, was not interested in who she was. I didn't want the temptation to call and harass or stalk, or any of that sort of crazy stuff.
Once we had decided to reconcile, then it became a completely different game. Then I wanted to know. I needed to know who I should be trying to avoid. To me, it just didn't seem RIGHT that the OP had all the facts and I was flying blind.
hugs Stayed
-
I have been divorced long time and ex has been living with OW since divorce-supposedly engaged for yrs, although she hasn't worn an engagement ring in a very long time and there is no date set, per our daughter.
What I have always wanted to know is what did he find so special about her/ or love so much about her, that he was willing to leave a 29 yr marriage and break up his childrens family--he has never answered that question.
Due to the length of our divorce, I have had to see OW at my children's weddings and the rehersal dinners.
So I do know what she looks like-just average, and a yr older than ex and myself. She is college educated and worked as a mortgage broker. I'm a registered nurse. I have never spoken to her in all these years and never plan on speaking to her. My grown children say our personalities are opposite. I am normally quite chatty and friendly and she appears to be more standoffish. She has never had children, nor wanted them.
I don't know after this length of time if she is still considered an affair down, a bandaid. Behavior wise, he would still seem to be in a replay type mode. They are very social and participate in a lot of activities.
What I wish I didn't know-----that he "loved" another woman enough to leave our marriage.
Like I said, I have been divorced a long time and you get over the pain, but you never really forget. Life does go on and it can be good again-in my case it is.
I read here because at time of my divorce, this site and others about divorce were non-existent. Although I hate to read that so many are experiencing the pain I felt back then, it comforts me a little to know I wasn't going crazy with the cycling of emotions. I just want everyone to know it does get better, you just can't rush it.
-
dpbp you said. What I wish I didn't know-----that he "loved" another woman enough to leave our marriage.
Just butting in here: he does not know what love is!!!
-
I agree with Calamity. I am glad that you are finally finding some comfort and reassurance. Even if it is years after the event.
Glad you found us dbpb. I know we can learn from your experience. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Hugs Stayed
-
I have never seen OW. I only know that she really is the ultimate affair down in every aspect. My D21 once met her father in town when he was with OW. She was in a complete shock and her friend as well. This friend said: OMG this woman is completely the opposite of your mother. This girl knew nothing about MLC off course. OW is far from attractive, looks like a hippie, has very dirty hair with some dreadlocks, dresses like an 18 year old but is almost 50. D21 said she looks like a woman who have had a terrible life. Furthermore she is very tall, while he doesn't like tall women, she is a cleaning lady in a psychiatrical hospital. My H and I both went to University. But the interesting thing is that H absolutely hates psychology. I sometimes wonder where they talk about. She has several cats and dogs, H hates cats and dogs. She got her first child when she was 20, she lived her whole life in a small village, married very young, no education whatsoever. All things he doesn't like in a woman.
So, what does this all means.
Last week he told me that there is an enormous (emotional) distance between them. That she means nothing to him. But that he liked it that way. The relation with her, he told me, doesn't even looks like the relation we had he said.
What I have read already several times is that people who are unknown about their own childhood traumas always find a save partner. A partner who doesn't touch that trauma. But that trauma is real, and needs to be healed. So if later in life the trauma is triggered by something (dead of a person, children leaving the house) you will find yourself a partner with whom you can fight that trauma. Needless to say that this new partner looks like the parent who was responsible for that trauma.
-
At first I thought OW was NOT an affair down. She is a professional with advanced degrees (as is he). She is older than my ex, but so am I. (He likes a mother figure; trying to work something out about his own mother.)
So he didn't go for an uneducated 20-something. (She does resemble a turtle.)
But she has never been married and was probably very lonely/desperate for a husband when my ex started to pursue her. As I said to my H at BD in a rare moment of clarity: Who would want a troubled married man? I think the answer speaks for itself! But what I want to know is this: Does she ever feel guilt for being party to the breakup of a marriage? Or does she just think I am an evil b!tc# and she is in a great fairytale love story with my H?
Doesn't she understand that if H could do this to me, with whom he had a long and mostly happy history, he could do it to her? I guess she thinks she is "special."
Here is what I really want to know: H met her at work. About a year ago he left the company. She then left as well, but under suspicious circumstances. What happened?
Bird
-
Or does she just think I am an evil b*tch and she is in a great fairytale love story with my H?
Doesn't she understand that if H could do this to me, with whom he had a long and mostly happy history, he could do it to her? I guess she thinks she is "special."
Yes she thinks she is in a fairytale.
She does not realise that he could do the same thing to her.
But YOU do!
Advantange BIRD!
This will take a lot of TIME.
-
... she is in a great fairytale love story with my H?
Oh, yes, she thinks she is the fairytale love story. 6 years ago OW1 wrote this to my husband. It is called Once Upon a Time (how funny... ::) ::) ::))
"They meet by change, at a friends dinner and they started a relationship that was never broken again.
The little girl fall in love with the little boy that day. The boy was her Prince, the one she thought did not exist. That Prince was not available to love the little girl, so, she run from that love, trowing herself into the arms of one more unimportant relationship. Howeve, the pretty eyed boy that she had once meet and had brought love to her heart, did not go our of her head. What shall I do, she though. Confess my love, run from that love, give up the happiness, go bak to her quiet life?... Não, the little girl decided. She decided to go after the heart of her Prince…”
It is longer than this but the whole letter is a fairytale, where she tells how they meet, how they saw each other in hotal bedrooms, how they said "I love you" ( ::) ::) ::) ) and so on. It end with "And they lived happy ever after".
The big love story of all times was over by February 2008.
OW2 also thinks she is the Princess of his Prince and that they are untited agains a common enemy: his evil wife (me! ;D ;D ;D)
-
My H's OW is the opposite of me when it comes to looks, personality, EVERYTHING...well...except for the fact that she has a Masters and that she is my age...oh...and she is similar to me (and every other 29 year old) in that she wants to settle down, marry, and have children with my H. Why do they get in fights? She wants him to convert, get married and have children....what does he want...just to have sex and use her (he calls her "caca"....which rhymes with her first name...nice isn't it ???). So he knows he doesn't want the kids and the marriage...or rather, he says that marriage and kids with me was BORING...I guess she promises excitement in their life together....and that is how she keeps him in...and he keeps her in by promising her that he will divorce me and marry her and give her kids....even though I know that he told his friend that he has no intention in converting but will say that he will to her for the time being.
So, in short, I don't really see the affair down in her....but at the same time I do. She and he had a fling and he went after her telling her that our marriage was over, blah blah blah....strangest thing....I know where she lives, her phone number, A LOT about her (as we have acquaintances in common even though she lives in a different country) yet I have no intention in talking to her....but isn't it strange that she has yet to contact me? She knows perfectly well who I am...I wonder why?
I know a lot about their relationship and the places he has taken her (most are where we went together and special places to us). The only difference, he has to take her to VERY expensive hotels/spas because she is that type of girl....and he needs to keep her hooked with the fantasy of what life is like with him (more like his parents' money). But, when the time is right....I will get the entire story....whether we get a separation/divorce or not....I am not content with his stupid sentence of me given her too much importance...
-
This is a very interesting article about the different kind of relationships.
http://www.sonoma.edu/users/d/daniels/lynch.html
-
I sometimes wonder what kind of woman she is. For sure she is a gold digger, and my H always hated women like that. An other thing I don't understand is that she is with a man who still is in a relationship with me. The only things he took were his clothes, and not even all his clothes. All his other belongings are here and he has no intentions of selling the house. He is even talking about the future as it comes to things which has to be done in the house. He also never introduced her to people I know. She is being hide by him and what kind of person wants to be treated like that??? I can only think that she must have a very low self esteem. And my H as well I guess.
D21 once met him when he was with OW. She told me OW looks old and terrible, like she have had a terrible life. Meanwhile she was dressed like an 18 year old girl. D21 told me not to be afraid that he would ever introduce her to people cause he would make himself completely ridiculous.
I also think it must be a fantasy affair. OW once texted him: 'oooooh (his name) you are so wonderful, this is going to be forever isn't it. Please tell me that it is.' I really think she must be nuts, the woman is almost 50 years old!
-
Sadly, my h couldn't wait to go public with OW. He took her to family events and work functions after he moved out but before he ever mentioned the word divorce to me. I think he wants to show people, "look I can get someone besides my wife." I also think OW was extremely eager to cement things. That was her way of doing it, to "force" the situation so others would accept her.
-
I suspect ALL ow would like to "cement things" with their married MLCer..... but there are many things that thwart them, thank goodness!!! Living in another state... NOT working together.... kids that openly don't accept them... family members that openly don't accept them.... family members that side with YOU and your kids.... MLCer not divorcing even though the ow pressures..... MLCer isolating the ow from HER life (which she is more than willing to do, by the way!).... LBS not divorcing, even though ow taunts believing the LBS will believe that all is wonderful between her and your husband.... and last, but not least.... a STANDING SPOUSE!
Standing Spouse is the Check and Mate to her chess moves.... all you have to do is go on with you life the best you can and check back in every now and then to see her frustrated by NOWHERE TO GO!! No matter WHAT your MLCer tells you, shows you..... do NOT believe it.... he is the "devils mouthpiece" for now an dow is carrying his balls in her purse..... so if he says there is no hope, why would you believe him??? Ask God what to believe....
BirdSoul.... it may not have been your husband WANTING to go public with ow... it could have been him "GOING ALONG WITH SOME THINGS" as my husband put it... but it COULD have been him trying his best to emotionally divorce from his old life..... either way it's shameful, but not to be believed.
-
I'm so sorry. :( At least you know 1) she has a track record of broken Rs, and your H will be no different; 2) she has a track record of people knowing she's a hot mess that uses people. People will not judge you, but they're probably looking at your H wondering what HE'S thinking. :o :o MLC makes a smart man so, so stupid.
-
Honestly makes me want to be a nun...this sort of sordidness is just to much for me...
Me too. ;)