[stayed]

I felt the same way Sassy.  I think if we had NEVER RECONCILED, I probably would never have even bothered to try and find out who she was.  I too, was not interested in who she was.  I didn't want the temptation to call and harass or stalk, or any of that sort of crazy stuff. 

Once we had decided to reconcile, then it became a completely different game.  Then I wanted to know.  I needed to know who I should be trying to avoid.  To me, it just didn't seem RIGHT that the OP had all the facts and I was flying blind. 

hugs Stayed

[dbpb]

I have been divorced long time and ex has been living with OW since divorce-supposedly engaged for yrs, although she hasn't worn an engagement ring in a very long time and there is no date set, per our daughter.

What I have always wanted to know is what did he find so special about her/ or love so much about her, that he was willing to leave a 29 yr marriage and break up his childrens family--he has never answered that question.

Due to the length of our divorce, I have had to see OW at my children's weddings and the rehersal dinners.
So I do know what she looks like-just average, and a yr older than ex and myself. She is college educated and worked as a mortgage broker. I'm a registered nurse. I have never spoken to her in all these years and never plan on speaking to her. My grown children say our personalities are opposite. I am normally quite chatty and friendly and she appears to be more standoffish. She has never had children, nor wanted them.
I don't know after this length of time if she is still considered an affair down, a bandaid. Behavior wise, he would still seem to be in a replay type mode. They are very social and participate in a lot of activities.
What I wish I didn't know-----that he "loved" another woman enough to leave our marriage.

Like I said, I have been divorced a long time and you get over the pain, but you never really forget. Life does go on and it can be good again-in my case it is.

I read here because at time of my divorce, this site and others about divorce were non-existent. Although I hate to read that so many are experiencing the pain I felt back then, it comforts me a little to know I wasn't going crazy with the cycling of emotions. I just want everyone to know it does get better, you just can't rush it.

[calamity]

dpbp you said. What I wish I didn't know-----that he "loved" another woman enough to leave our marriage.
Just butting in here:  he does not know what love is!!!

[stayed]

I agree with Calamity.  I am glad that you are finally finding some comfort and reassurance.  Even if it is years after the event. 

Glad you found us dbpb.  I know we can learn from your experience.  Thank you so much for sharing with us.

Hugs Stayed

[Niek]

I have never seen OW. I only know that she really is the ultimate affair down in every aspect. My D21 once met her father in town when he was with OW. She was in a complete shock and her friend as well. This friend said: OMG this woman is completely the opposite of your mother. This girl knew nothing about MLC off course. OW is far from attractive, looks like a hippie, has very dirty hair with some dreadlocks, dresses like an 18 year old but is almost 50. D21 said she looks like a woman who have had a terrible life. Furthermore she is very tall, while he doesn't like tall women, she is a cleaning lady in a psychiatrical hospital. My H and I  both went to University. But the interesting thing is that H absolutely hates psychology. I sometimes wonder where they talk about. She has several cats and dogs, H hates cats and dogs. She got her first child when she was 20, she lived her whole life in a small village, married very young, no education whatsoever. All things he doesn't like in a woman.

So, what does this all means.

Last week he told me that there is an enormous (emotional) distance between them. That she means nothing to him. But that he liked it that way. The relation with her, he told me, doesn't even looks like the relation we had he said.

What I have read already several times is that people who are unknown about their own childhood traumas always find a save partner. A partner who doesn't touch that trauma. But that trauma is real, and needs to be healed. So if later in life the trauma is triggered by something (dead of a person, children leaving the house) you will find yourself a partner with whom you can fight that trauma. Needless to say that this new partner looks like the parent who was responsible for that trauma.

[BirdSoul]

At first I thought OW was NOT an affair down. She is a professional with advanced degrees (as is he). She is older than my ex, but so am I. (He likes a mother figure; trying to work something out about his own mother.)

So he didn't go for an uneducated 20-something. (She does resemble a turtle.)

But she has never been married and was probably very lonely/desperate for a husband when my ex started to pursue her. As I said to my H at BD in a rare moment of clarity: Who would want a troubled married man? I think the answer speaks for itself! But what I want to know is this: Does she ever feel guilt for being party to the breakup of a marriage? Or does she just think I am an evil b!tc# and she is in a great fairytale love story with my H?

Doesn't she understand that if H could do this to me, with whom he had a long and mostly happy history, he could do it to her? I guess she thinks she is "special."

Here is what I really want to know: H met her at work. About a year ago he left the company. She then left as well, but under suspicious circumstances. What happened?

Bird

[OldPilot]

Or does she just think I am an evil b*tch and she is in a great fairytale love story with my H?

Doesn't she understand that if H could do this to me, with whom he had a long and mostly happy history, he could do it to her? I guess she thinks she is "special."

Yes she thinks she is in a fairytale.

She does not realise that he could do the same thing to her.
But YOU do!
Advantange BIRD!

This will take a lot of TIME.

[Anjae]

... she is in a great fairytale love story with my H?

Oh, yes, she thinks she is the fairytale love story. 6 years ago OW1 wrote this to my husband. It is called Once Upon a Time (how funny...  )

"They meet by change, at a friends dinner and they started a relationship that was never broken again.

The little girl fall in love with the little boy that day. The boy was her Prince, the one she thought did not exist. That Prince was not available to love the little girl, so, she run from that love, trowing herself into the arms of one more unimportant relationship. Howeve, the pretty eyed boy that she had once meet and had brought love to her heart, did not go our of her head. What shall I do, she though. Confess my love, run from that love, give up the happiness, go bak to her quiet life?... Não, the little girl decided. She decided to go after the heart of her Prince…”

It is longer than this but the whole letter is a fairytale, where she tells how they meet, how they saw each other in hotal bedrooms, how they said "I love you" ( ) and so on. It end with "And they lived happy ever after".

The big love story of all times was over by February 2008.

OW2 also thinks she is the Princess of his Prince and that they are untited agains a common enemy: his evil wife (me!  )

[JAG]

My H's OW is the opposite of me when it comes to looks, personality, EVERYTHING...well...except for the fact that she has a Masters and that she is my age...oh...and she is similar to me (and every other 29 year old) in that she wants to settle down, marry, and have children with my H.  Why do they get in fights? She wants him to convert, get married and have children....what does he want...just to have sex and use her (he calls her "caca"....which rhymes with her first name...nice isn't it ).  So he knows he doesn't want the kids and the marriage...or rather, he says that marriage and kids with me was BORING...I guess she promises excitement in their life together....and that is how she keeps him in...and he keeps her in by promising her that he will divorce me and marry her and give her kids....even though I know that he told his friend that he has no intention in converting but will say that he will to her for the time being.

So, in short, I don't really see the affair down in her....but at the same time I do.  She and he had a fling and he went after her telling her that our marriage was over, blah blah blah....strangest thing....I know where she lives, her phone number, A LOT about her (as we have acquaintances in common even though she lives in a different country) yet I have no intention in talking to her....but isn't it strange that she has yet to contact me? She knows perfectly well who I am...I wonder why?

I know a lot about their relationship and the places he has taken her (most are where we went together and special places to us).  The only difference, he has to take her to VERY expensive hotels/spas because she is that type of girl....and he needs to keep her hooked with the fantasy of what life is like with him (more like his parents' money).  But, when the time is right....I will get the entire story....whether we get a separation/divorce or not....I am not content with his stupid sentence of me given her too much importance...

[Niek]

This is a very interesting article about the different kind of relationships.

http://www.sonoma.edu/users/d/daniels/lynch.html