[turkisheye]

I know very little about OW. H met her at college in 2008/2009 and in 2009 the EA began by text/facebook before progressing to PA. He said they sometimes went for months without any kind of contact and when he was down he got back in touch with her. He left in October 2011 and started living with her and her 8 year old son in January until the start of June when he told her it was over and moved back to his mums. We have been working things out since the middle of June which is when he disclosed the OW.

I think about her quite a bit of the time. I don't know her name or what she looks like only that she works in our town. She apparently knows who I am. I know she was just a band aid for my MLC H but what did you want to know about the OW? I do NOT want to know anything sexual as this would be too much.

Is it wiser for me to remain oblivious? I wonder if she is prettier, more educated, funnier, slimmer than me   

Many thanks for any comments.

Much love, TE x

[limitless]

TE,

She got involved with a married man.  This not only shows a lack of character but a sign of sickness in her brain.  What healthy, "normal" woman - who had decent self esteem and self control gets involved with a married man?  You mention that she had a child....and she willingly moved in with a married man - with her kid.....?

I'm sure that your H told her all kinds of lies....but she chose to believe them.  If he had been serious about a relationship with her - he would have done the right thing and NOT gotten involved with her while still married.  He wouldn't have just moved in with her so quickly.....She shows a lack of good judgment.

Is she more educated?  She certainly isn't smart.

Is she funnier?  Does it really matter?  I wonder how funny she is now?

Is she slimmer?  Prettier?  Those questions are just your insecurities getting the best of you.  I get it.  I do.....Just don't let this get to you.

Don't allow yourself to get into a contest with the OW (even if it is just in your head).

Your H took up with an OW - to avoid dealing with whatever issues he had.  When the OW is described as a "band-aid" - it is an apt description.  She means NOTHING.  NOTHING. 

I understand your feelings...and the insecure feelings you are having.  We've all had them - when your spouse walks out on you and gets with another person...it is a terrible hit to our self esteem. 

I know that you know your H returned early.  There will be ups and downs.  It will be tough on him....it will be tough on you.  In order for you to be able to deal with this...you need to be strong...self confident.....healthy.....as he will cycle. 

I can't see how learning anything about OW will help you.

JMHO.

L

[turkisheye]

Thanks for the virtual kick up the butt limitless  You're right about everything about her and deep down I know she was not a catch in any way.

I do feel a bit insecure/intimidated knowing she knows who I am, where I live etc whereas I could pass her in the street without knowing. But do I really need to know? Will it help or hinder my progress and progress with my H?

Bah! It was bad enough just dealing with a vanishing MLCr nevermind an OW too 

Thanks again, TE x

[Ready2Transform]

My gut tells me (because I'm definitely not at this point yet) that maybe it would be easier to get that info you need for closure once the emotional edge is worn off a bit and the two of you have healed through the other parts of the crisis.  Maybe by then, you won't even want to know those things.  But if you do, at least you'll be able to handle it together on sturdier ground.  With MLC, timing seems to be everything.   I have never met my H's OW, but we have mutual friends who have confirmed the affair down.  It brings me peace, but if we reconcile, there are things I would want to know for closure.  I think that is very natural and very fair.

[hyperglad]

For me i needed to know everything right away. I grilled him endlessly before i kicked him out the door...but that was anger, shock disbelief. When i found out she was 27 I thought that's it game over i was 51  I wanted to see her face because like you i was worried she could be next to me in a shop and i wouldn't know...but we are all different.

My H left for the night then came back the next morning...i asked all kinds that hurt both me and him...but for me it was an essential part of healing...I hated they had secrets i didn't know. I agree with Limitless she is nothing, none of them are...lost themselves, craving others lives. Don't rush into anything...take time...but do not shy away either from asking what you feel you should or need to know.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[FindingJoJo]

I am faced with this right now - one thing I have found out is that I am not ready to know and I don't know if I want to think that far.  I have for the most part not acknowledged her very existence.   I have often told people that she is a non-entity to me as she was a symptom of what was wrong in my marriage prior to her, he is also sick and that is not my husband but a shell and God will know when to give him the nudge.  I have done an awful lot of soul searching and for me I want to address the issues that lead up to it but I don't want to discuss their relationship because OW isn't going to exist in our future, if I am wrong I am still stronger than I was a few months ago and can handle it.  I do however want to make sure my husband understands that because of his actions trust is very fragile and work on us, not work on them or have him focus on her.  This is my time with him and healing, I may change my mind when I feel we are healed and more stable but right now, my questions would only be a reminder of that "fun" and non-reality while he is faced with reality and me. 

[calamity]

I find that when I begin to obsess about him & OW it is usually b/c there is something up with ME.  The blows that you take to self-esteem at BD produce feelings of jealousy & blaming OW.  I regress when  I am feeling down or ill or tired.  Just saying, when I think about him & OW, I get to work on me.

[kikki]

I think there's an enormous difference between the alienator living miles away, or even in another part of a large city - but this alienator knows who you are and works in your town and you might walk past her and not know who she is, while she will know who you are?

If it was me, I would want to know the barest details, so that I would know who I was passing by in the street, otherwise I'd be scanning every unknown face wondering if it's her?  It would do my head in. 
I'd far rather deal with a simple fact.  Yes it is her - or no it is not her. 

We all know she's a bandaid for your H's crisis etc, but I think this is something different altogether. 
Just my thoughts and how I would respond.

[calamity]

Kikki said, If it was me, I would want to know the barest details, so that I would know who I was passing by in the street, otherwise I'd be scanning every unknown face wondering if it's her?  It would do my head in.
I'd far rather deal with a simple fact.  Yes it is her - or no it is not her.  .

Yeah me too.  To be honest, I would know by now [my h's bandaid lives 50 miles away].  It is the better me that says, no don't go there.  The real me would have done the detective work.

[justasking]

TE

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have only just found out this woman existed and that your H was having a PA with her. You are exactly where we all were when we found out but the difference being your H and you are trying to work things out. Most of us have had years to come to terms with OW and give her little or no thought now. In my early days I spent hours imagingin them together in all sorts of places including bed!

This is a healing process and it will get better. Remember no matter how beautiful, slim or intelligent you think she was your H has chosen you because he knows you are the one he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with.

xx