[Anjae]

Agree with Kikki. This woman knows who you are and works in your town. I would like to know who she is in order not to be thinking “would it be this one? Or that one?”. Nothing to do with her being thinner, funnier or whatever just that I would like to know who she is.

Since you already know there is OW, knowing who she is seems normal to be. Especially under the circunstances. Like Kikki said, she does not live miles away or in another part of a big city. That makes it different.

Also agree with Justasking, don't be so hard on yourself, you've just found out there is OW. The healing process will take time and you must not try to speed it up.

[stayed]

I wanted to know, I needed to know.  When they are in the same town, when it is possible that you could be standing right next to them in the grocery store, YOU NEED TO KNOW.  It is not fair to not be told! Why should she be protected and from what.. you?   You can put her into her place in the scheme of things when you know who she is.  I too did not want secrets. 

My belief was, if my h wanted a life with me, then it had to be based on honesty.  TELL me everything I need to know.  Knowing who the OP was, is an important fact.  We all know he/she is just a bandaid but when we don't know who the bandaid was, it simply breeds more insecurity for us.   Why will he not reveal her to me?  What is this precious little secret that they are sharing?

I've only run into OW once since we reconciled... once in 6 whole years.  She now works on the same floor as my h, I have eliminated going to his work place, as I have no desire to run into her again.  I am not afraid of her, or even care about her, I just don't want to be near her, ever.  I don't blame her, at least not as much as I blame my h.  I don't give her a total pass, that is for sure, she is a scank unworthy of washing my floors.   

You are either my spouse or you are not.  You do not get to have the privilege of having a dirty little secret with some UNKNOWN person.  Or tell or not tell!  You lost the right to your privacy and the OP's too.   He/she is not entitled to protection.  Protect me... forget about OP!  Spouses only concern, should be what will make LBS feel safe, secure, loved again!  No more nasty surprises... just tell it all, get it out there.  Equip your LBS with the tools he/she needs to heal him/herself.
hugs Stayed...

[Sassyone]

I ditto Stayed's response. I wanted to know everything (well almost) and I have run into OW more times than I care to.  However, with knowledge came a lot of cycling and processing which is still going on a year later.  So I caution anyone ask what you are only capable of hearing and processing.  It is painful.  I needed to know so I could process it because of my personality type, but I believe it is lengthening my healing process as well.

I do place blame on the OW, just as much as H (perhaps that will change), however, H ultimately made the decision to betray our vows and he is ultimately the one responsible.  On a good note, H has been very protective of me, he is empathatic and remorseful.  When I am in pain, he is in pain.  He states over and over how he can't believe he did this. 

What I can tell you is that OW is a symptom, disposable, a bandaid.  She is temporary and not logical or really real in her interactions.  My H's OW fit BPD to a "T" as most do.  Trust me, what starts off magical or fairytale, ends with an explosion . . . eventually.  She is not the person he loves.

Hugs,

[stayed]

I totally agree Sassy.  If you don't know what you can take, then don't ask.  For me, the fear of having the person who lived with my husband know who I was, but me not know who she was, was simply UNACCEPTABLE!  How would I ever feel safe?  I would always be looking over my shoulder, wondering, is she the one?  Is it her?  No thank you.

Now, I didn't need to know DETAILS.  I really didn't want to know anything personal, no thank you.  I wanted to know if they had gone to restaurants that we went to and would still want to go to, as I didn't want people to think, whose he with now?  I didn't want to repeat THEIR adventures. but I wanted to know,if he had taken her to places that I considered to be OUR special places.  As they would no longer be my special place.  Stuff like that, I felt I deserved to know. 

I also wanted to know what lies they had exchanged about me and our kids.  I know though that I never got the full truth about that.  He cannot and has never been able to admit that he told her things about me, that he had no business telling anybody, least of all her.  So be it.  Some things I cannot do a thing about. 

I found though, that once I knew, I was able to let it go.  Forget about it.  Not everybody is like, if you aren't ... then don't do it!

hugs Stayed

[LettingGo]

Have to say I feel EXACTLY like Stayed. I'm grateful ow lives in another state... so I NEVER have to run into her, but the the WHOLE state of Connecticut is now tainted as far as I'm concerned because she lives there... one day it won't be so, but for now....

[Sassyone]

I needed to know the same things Stayed.  I too wanted to know the lies he told her about me.  I know some, but not most and frankly he really can't remember at this point.  I hated the fact that so many lies about me were told.  H states that he had to make himself feel that way about me so he could justify in his mind what he was doing.  WHATEVER . . . MLC script.  Argh, I can't change it so I moved on from that. 

MLC'ers take their OW to our "special" places and they actually try to recreate our "special" memories.  I know most places they went and it used to bug me, now I go there just to condition myself not to be bothered by the past.  H and I have talked (yes he is more vocal than most MLC'ers) about why he took her places and he said he was trying to recreate memories.  He did things that felt good to him from his past (DUH hit him with a silly stick!).  Now he says he wants nothing more than to create memories with me.

So questioning about the affair is normal, just remember if they are on that truth train, you may not like what you hear.  (Oh yea, snooping in journals/diaries, etc., will just make matters worse for you too.)  Remember this, they are not in their right minds during the affair, anything they said, did, etc. was purely selfish and they were trying to medicate themselves to feel better from THEMSELVES.  It is not and never was about the LBS'er.

Hugs everyone,

Sassy

[Mermaid]

I knew who OW was; she was the daughter of a friend of mine. What I didn't know was  the nature of their R after her internship with H ended. At first I found out something by chance, then I snooped (and I was good at getting passwords, etc).

I needed to know because H refused to tell me, or he would say "we're just friends" and "it's all in your imagination". Gaslighting. Except he would spend (at first) hours on line writing her emails, telling her intimate things about himself (and he's a very private person). Then "I could fall in love with you" and "I'm overwhelmed by you". When he started meeting up with her, and lying to me, I knew about that too. Then I read "you were so sexy yesterday", "you get my libido going". I knew every lie that he told me, and every inappropriate thing he said to her, and there were plenty.

Did it help me? Yes and no. H was, and is still, in total denial that anything ever happened. It was gratifying that I could find evidence to support my intuition.

But in another way it didn't help because H still refuses to accept that it was anything but friendship, and doesn't recognise EAs. So, he has never apologised for it, and never promised to stop seeing her. He refuses to admit that she did anything wrong, even when she lied and said I was threatening her ("that's how she felt, very threatened that you were going to take me away from her when I was the only one she could trust"  ), lied to her mother, who is no longer my friend, and so he still thinks that she is someone wonderful.... 

It doesn't help to know so much. The more we know, the harder it is to forget, and to forgive.

[Returned]

Frankly I want to know nothing about OW. Nothing. Anyone who deliberately destroys a family does not deserve my attention.
I must admit it would be easier to avoid her if I knew who she was. There are three women friends of his I feel are potential candidates and so I just avoid all three of them to be on the safe side. Two of the three are well known for Borderline personality type behavior (fragile waif, noone understands them, single mother, need to be rescued by knight in shining armor, previous homewrecking activities), and the other one is an otherwise nice single mom who was cruelly abandoned by my husbands best friend.
But thankfully it appears that H is working hard to tell me nothing, so I havent had to make any effort in this regard. Just let him play his role of saving the damsel in distress...I assume that he will someday get tired when it gets to real.

[Returned]

By the way just to mention. In the past my husband used gaslighting and projection a lot. I really feel for people whose husbands use this tactic as it is incredibly cruel. Whenever he mistreated me he would tell me that I was angry. Whenever he was caught doing deceptive or cruel things he would tell me that I was mentally ill. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I would ever take him back...but divorcing and starting over is not for the faint hearted and I really feel like I lack the determination and will power. He will have to corral me into it.

[Sassyone]

Leftalone:

That's pretty typical MLC behavior unfortunately.  I know in my sitch, that is what happened in monster mode.  As for OW, I never wanted to know anything about her until AFTER we were reconnecting.  She was a non-issue to me during replay for the most part for a variety of reasons.

Always remember, this is about them, not you, we use the time we are given to improve ourselves, strengthen ourselves in order to make a smart solid decision for us.

Hugs,

Sassy