Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: xyzcf on August 12, 2012, 08:18:05 AM
-
I attended a workshop that talked about mental health issues in children and their family members. Throughout the session, I was struck over and over again by the many similarities that I see in LBSers and MLCers and I wanted to share a few insights.
An "a ha" moment that I had was when I recognized my own symptoms (depression, anxiety, chest pain, insomnia, lack of appetite, inability to focus) and thought about how suddenly these symptoms hit me after BD (and how long they have continued). I was struck by the thought that something happened, an event occurred in my world and my normal "happy" self was totally lost....so, if this could happen to me so suddenly, then why do I have any problems understanding that an event triggered a crisis in my husband?
What defines Mental Health? Is there truly anyone who does not at some point in their lives encounter mental illness either in themselves or a loved one? Somehow, we seem to be able to accept a physical illness like heart disease, diabetes or cancer and not feel "responsible". We can have empathy and compassion for someone with a physical illness but not so with a mental health issue.
1 in 5 Americans suffer from a mental health illness in a year. 4 of the 10 leading causes of disability worldwide are mental disorders with major depression a leading cause of disability.
There are links in our genetics, our family history, our biochemistry, our developmental issues that can impact throughout the entire life span, what if any disorders we may be susceptible to.
Let me look at what happens to the LBS after BD and in the years following that fit many of the diagnoses. Remember that these disorders all occur on a continuum and I am not proposing any diagnoses here.. Many of these are also occurring in the MLCer.
Depression: Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” feelings. Difficulty concentrating, fatigue, decreased energy, feelings of hopelessness, insomnia or excessive sleeping, overeating or appetite loss, persistent aches or pains, headaches or digestive problems, thoughts of suicide
Anxiety Disorders: including panic disorders (sweating, chest pain, difficulty breathing), obsessive compulsive disorder plagued by constant thoughts or fears, general anxiety disorder with excessive worry and tension, post traumatic stress disorder following a traumatic event with increased anxiety and emotional arousal
And some that may apply to the MLCer
Intermitted Explosive Disorder: Episodes of aggressive, violent behavior in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation…..reminds me of what we refer to as Monster.
Addictions: wanting to escape, wanting not to feel the pain.
Bipolar disorder: People go back and forth between periods of very good or irritable mood and depression with reckless behavior and lack of self control, elevated moods or very upset.
Reactive Attachment Disorder: This is one that had me thinking about the issue of developmental tasks not being successfully navigated in childhood “ the child’s basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren’t met and loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may permanently change the child’s brain hurting the ability to establish future relationships.
Interesting the presenter talked that this is a lifelong condition and that many people marry but end up divorced because they cannot form an attachment to other people. These people enjoy being alone. They may have 1 or 2 good friends but often destroy relationships. They do not attach to their own children because they are unable to feel that bond.
The whole spectrum of autism, asperger and atypical autism where they live in their own world and have to do their own thing.
I am constantly trying to find an answer to why this mess occurred in my life. I am not a psychiatrist and have limited knowledge about these conditions but something struck me and I feel compelled to share. I think it was this…it has something to do with the pain that both the LBS and the MLC experience in our inner worlds due to this event that has changed everything.
It is this internal pain that we have felt. I know what this pain feels like and it is terrible. In a crisis, how much pain is there for the MLCer? Is it so intense that they have to find a way to escape by whatever means possible?
Where did this pain come from? I know what event triggered my pain but I also comprehend that I am also responding to things in my past as well that have been triggered by this event.
I suspect that the MLCer’s pain is worse than we can ever imagine and that the running that is so common is an attempt for them to sooth and get rid of that pain. I also suspect that the running will not work eventually and the fog that we talk about which allows them some protection from the agony and pain will eventually dissipate causing them to run further away when they see the destruction of their lives or turn back and try and rebuild what they have lost and destroyed.
I was also struck and concerned about my own mental health at this point. 3 years seems to be quite excessive to resolve the grief that has caused so much distress. I think to most therapists, they would see my response as being excessive. I evaluate my own progress by assessing if I am gradually improving. I sense that I am and thus I can take comfort in that. As well, I can compare myself to others on this site who still feel sadness after 3 years and so I take comfort that I am actually responding in a normal manner.
The more we learn, the more we can understand and accept what has happened in our lives and I hope that this will give you some cause to think a bit. I know it seems to have stimulated my thoughts and imagination and in some crazy ways, gave me a little bit more peace that MLC is a real phenomena that has many, many symptoms of a mental illness
-
I know it seems to have stimulated my thoughts and imagination and in some crazy ways, gave me a little bit more peace that MLC is a real phenomena that has many, many symptoms of a mental illness
I agree, MLC is certainly a real phenomena. Here is the first part of RCR's article Midlife Crisis Takes Time where she refers to viewing MLC behavior in relation to mental illness as a coping mechanism for the LBS.
Though MLC is not a state of true mental illness, I find that it is often helpful for the Left-Behind-Spouse (LBS) to view the behaviour in this manner. It is a coping mechanism; a metaphor that can help us to understand. The balance is in not using it as an excuse as true insanity may be used.
It can also be helpful to know that several of the mainstream definitions of MLC include wording such as "extreme", "doubt", "anxiety", "turmoil" and "coping".
-
xyzcf,
Thanks for posting this. I especially paid attention to the reactive attachment disorder. I know for a fact that my H has never been close to his family. His family - especially his mother - is cold, distant, and unaffectionate. In turn, H was never as affectionate with me as I would have liked and rarely exhibited any affection for our children.
I do believe that he never attached nor formed a lasting bond with me, D21, or S18 even after almost 25 years together. That is the only explanation for why even though he claims it was me that he left and not our children, he has absolutely no relationship with them either.
My H lives 5 minutes from our family home and has seen S18 exactly twice the entire summer - once for 50 minutes and once for 90 minutes. If that doesn't show his lack of bonding with and lack of attachment to his own children, I do not know what would. In addition, we get the same behavior from H's parents. Even before BD, we went 5-6 months at a time without ever hearing from them and my H thought this was normal. I, on the other hand, never went more than a week without talking to my parents. Now, my children have virtually no relationship with H's parents just like they have no relationship with their Father. How I feel for D21 and S18.
In my H's case, his lack of love, emotional closeness, attachment, and inability to be an involved and loving parent stem directly from everything he lacked when he was a child. It must have been devastating to not feel love from your own mother. And now, generations are paying for H's horrible childhood, including H, myself, D21, S18, my family, our friends, and grandchildren to come.
I never want to lose hope for what God can do, even in the face of what looks like a hopeless situation.
I also want to let xyzcf know that I am still very sad and depressed after 4 and a half years. The pain doesn't go away. D21 asked me to go and see a therapist to try and get a handle on how to get pass my grief. D21 has been in therapy as well to deal with her Dad's abandonment. I have had one appointment so far and after explaining to my Christian therapist what standing meant and what I believe scriptures say about divorce and adulterous remarriage, she told me standing may be what is hindering my ability to grieve and get past my pain.
Also, because I believe marriage is forever and that I am still married to my H, I haven't let that relationship go. Finally, she said that most eventually move on to a new relationship which helps to heal the pain and since that will never apply to me, the grief that I am feeling may never totally dissipate.
So, xyzcf, you are not alone in what you are feeling and I have been in this for an even longer period of time.
-
xyz,
Thanks for posting your observations.
A couple of things come to mind:
I asked a close friend how long it took her to get over her spousal abandonment- her answer, you don´t want to know. I pressed and she finally said, 8 years. So, I hope that puts it into perspective as to where you are 3+ years onward. This friend is a joyful and spirited person who remarried and NEVER told her kids what their father had done. (He cheated and left the country, leaving her in the lurch financially.) Her kids are now adults and they still don´t know the "back story."
I keep seeing disparaging comments on the forum about borderline personality ows. A close friend is dealing with a family member who has been diagnosed with this disorder and it is a daily struggle in every facet imaginable. It is requiring the depths of their family emotional and financial assets to deal with it and the person with the illness is trapped in this "hell" trying to find a way out. I ask that folks not throw out these terms without understanding that a person with borderline personality disorder has a brain disorder and though there is a "cure", it is very expensive, hard to obtain, and requires months of unrelenting attention to the therapy.
My 2 cents,
FTT
-
Finally, she said that most eventually move on to a new relationship which helps to heal the pain and since that will never apply to me, the grief that I am feeling may never totally dissipate.
This morning, as so many other times I am overcome by feelings of loneliness...that seems to be the thing that hurts the most these days and even when I surround myself with people...this still lingers deeply. Somehow I have to learn to live this way even though it goes against everything in my nature. As with you, another relationship is out of the question.
Covenant..I too saw some red flags when I thought about the reactive attachment disorder. My husband's family were in some ways very close but his mom was very cold and not very affectionate....I too could have used more touching in our relationship but was willing to make do.
FTT..yes, I caution anyone to look at these definitions and try and fit themselves or their partners into a category or to make nay judgement about what they think could be the problem. I reiterate that mental illnesses are no different than physical ones..they are not in the control of those that are affected by them.
-
RCR has an article series on personality disorders, including borderline.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder_borderline.html
-
Also forgot to add that H was diagnosed with psychosis when D21 was only a year old and he refuses to stay on his meds.
So add a diagnosed mental illness (that is not being treated) to a childhood that lacked love, bonding, and affection, and you have a very volatile mix known as MLC. I know my H never felt needed nor wanted by his parents and would not let me nor the children get close enough to him to show what love looked like. He has never received nor been able to give love. That is the crux of his crisis.
xyzcf, I so feel what you feel. I, at 49, do not want to live my life alone and yet we both have been put into a situation that goes against the very heart of who we are as women, wives, and mothers. I know Christ knows our pain, our abandonment, and our loneliness. He, too, felt that rejection up there on that cross - from His own Heavenly Father. I cling to his promises found in Romans 8:28 and Ephesians 3:20. He has promised us beauty for these ashes. We can rejoice together when God's promises are manifested in our lives. I am praying for that! Stay strong.
-
I too woke up feeling very alone and sad. S7 is with me but the sense of family is missing. D11, D19 and W are together at W's. My family is broken and I am lost in the world as my role of husband, father and even man is lost to me at this time. I made breakfast for S7 and I and it was a trigger as I had to cook so little.
I had a nightmare that the whole family was at the mall and 4 guys started going on a killing spree. I told W to get the kids out and I stayed back to distract the assailants and buy them time. After it was over I tried to find them but couldn't. I called them on their cell phones but they did not answer. I never found out if they were safe or not in my dream. My identity as protector is gone.
About the mental illness part of this, as you all know I deal with this daily in my profession. Everything that X wrote I agree with other than the fact that RAD cannot be overcome. I've worked with several who suffer from this and they can have meaningful relationships, but they take lots and lots of work. Also, I want to point out that we ALL have degrees of everything X wrote about. We all have depression, anxiety, addiction and unresolved childhood issues. It's only when they either persist over a long period or cause a certain level of distress that they become "disorders.". We can certainly ascribe our own diagnoses but without knowing first-hand from the MLCer they are only speculation.
FTT also has an excellent point about BPD. In fact, what we now know is that BPD is really a form of bi-polar disorder and IS treatable with meds and therapy. When the new DSM comes out (it's the Bible of mental health) BPD will no longer be recognized as an Axis 2 disorder (personality disorder). From what I have seen MLCers do tend to have BPD symptoms, but so have I since this started.
I have more to say but am on my phone. Like all of us, I just pray this is all temporary.
-
xyzcf, FTT, Thundar and others,
I too feel alone every morning and think that my H grew up with a PA (passive-aggressive) mother and never learned what true love looks and feels like. I always felt like something was missing, even from the very start of my R with H. My S16, my only child, has been with my H for 16 months now due to alienation from his father towards me and I also feel that being a MOM has been taken away from me. How I cry on some days and miss both of them. I am hoping that when my S16 gets a bit older (and not so angry also), he will see thru this behavior and then come back home with his mom--who is able to hug him and tell him she loves him very much. I too do not want my S16 to learn this type of behavior. I am hoping he remembers the things that I taught him when he was younger (S1 to S14); have fun and dance in the kitchen when you feel like it, do not bully anyone and help those that are being bullied, be patient and forgive the small things, share your toys, Don't Poke The Bear (his father), your high-school years will be the best time of your life, make as many friends as possible, etc...--I'm sure he will.
Hugs for all of us here.
-
An "a ha" moment that I had was when I recognized my own symptoms (depression, anxiety, chest pain, insomnia, lack of appetite, inability to focus) and thought about how suddenly these symptoms hit me after BD (and how long they have continued). I was struck by the thought that something happened, an event occurred in my world and my normal "happy" self was totally lost....so, if this could happen to me so suddenly, then why do I have any problems understanding that an event triggered a crisis in my husband?
What we suffer after BD is equivalent to post traumatic stress disorder. It can last for years and years. Sometimes for a lifetime.
Maybe the difficulty is because to us it is sudden but then we find out they have been on it for a long, long, time. There is a difference between something that builds over time and something that falls upon our head out of the blue. And I know a very little events that can be so devastating as BD and the consequence it has on a LBS. But BD (an event) did not drove us nto the madness of MLC.
And, at least for me, it is a little annoying that mine knew he was depressed and did not to treat his depression.
We can have empathy and compassion for someone with a physical illness but not so with a mental health issue.
Not everyone here agrees MLC is a disease. If it is not, then it cannot be compared to physical illness, if it is, it can be attenuated with proper medication and an apropriated lifestyle. It is hard to have compassion and empathy towards someone we knew was ill (depressed) and did nothing about it.
I think it was this…it has something to do with the pain that both the LBS and the MLC experience in our inner worlds due to this event that has changed everything.
There is a big difference. We were not in pain before. Our pain come because of their actions. Theirs come we don't know why but we know they were depressed.
It is this internal pain that we have felt. I know what this pain feels like and it is terrible. In a crisis, how much pain is there for the MLCer? Is it so intense that they have to find a way to escape by whatever means possible?
Maybe but escaping only brings more pain to them (and us).
I was also struck and concerned about my own mental health at this point. 3 years seems to be quite excessive to resolve the grief that has caused so much distress. I think to most therapists, they would see my response as being excessive.
3 years is not excessive to deal with the grief brought by MLC. We are all different, we all deal with things on our own time. Most therapist don’t have a clue about MLC. And I know many people that spend years I grief because of short term relationships. We had our lives turned up side down, we did not had a girlfriend/boyfriend breaking with us.
The more I learn of it and of brain chemicals the more I think MLC has biological causes as well as emotional and psychological and that it is a disease. Therefore they should receive treatment. Not, it would not cure it nor prevent them from developing but it would minimize some of the damages that come with it.
I think that, for most MLCers, it is temporary but at some point they will need medication. My cousin needed and I suspect my husband have had some aswell somewhere in late 2009 early 2010.
I don't feel alone every morning. It has become very rare that I feel alone. If anything I've started to enjoy too much being on my own.
-
I can completely see the Reactive Attachment Disorder in my husband. Because of his childhood I don't think he knows how to bond with anyone. I see how he is with his children. He goes through the minimum actions, but there doesn't seem to be any real emotional connection there. It's all superficial. I think he tries, but just doesn't know how to bond and he tells himself he's fine just how he is.
-
A MUST read: http://news.yahoo.com/depression-shrinks-brain-180043942.html
-
That article would explain me, FTT. Lol
I did like the comments under the article. A couple were thought provoking.
Btw, a strange thought occurred to me. What if our spouses were insane UNTIL MLC and the stress is coming from them gaining sanity? (cue Twilight Zone music)
-
Btw, a strange thought occurred to me. What if our spouses were insane UNTIL MLC and the stress is coming from them gaining sanity? (cue Twilight Zone music)
On that case we should all be confined to a mental health institution because we are insane. After all, if that is so, we have been married to mad people for decades and have never realised. Something must be wrong with us! ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
FTT also has an excellent point about BPD. In fact, what we now know is that BPD is really a form of bi-polar disorder and IS treatable with meds and therapy. When the new DSM comes out (it's the Bible of mental health) BPD will no longer be recognized as an Axis 2 disorder (personality disorder). From what I have seen MLCers do tend to have BPD symptoms, but so have I since this started.
Thundarr - this is really interesting.
I think I read somewhere that the female MLCer is more likely to show BPD type symptoms and the male MLCers are more likely to display narcissistic symptoms.
We all thought my H was bipolar when this started.
If BPD has been found to be a form of bipolar disorder, I wonder if eventually MLC may end up there too one day??? Just a thought.
-
I am constantly trying to find an answer to why this mess occurred in my life. I am not a psychiatrist and have limited knowledge about these conditions but something struck me and I feel compelled to share. I think it was this…it has something to do with the pain that both the LBS and the MLC experience in our inner worlds due to this event that has changed everything.
It is this internal pain that we have felt. I know what this pain feels like and it is terrible. In a crisis, how much pain is there for the MLCer? Is it so intense that they have to find a way to escape by whatever means possible?
Where did this pain come from? I know what event triggered my pain but I also comprehend that I am also responding to things in my past as well that have been triggered by this event.
I suspect that the MLCer’s pain is worse than we can ever imagine and that the running that is so common is an attempt for them to sooth and get rid of that pain. I also suspect that the running will not work eventually and the fog that we talk about which allows them some protection from the agony and pain will eventually dissipate causing them to run further away when they see the destruction of their lives or turn back and try and rebuild what they have lost and destroyed.
I was also struck and concerned about my own mental health at this point. 3 years seems to be quite excessive to resolve the grief that has caused so much distress. I think to most therapists, they would see my response as being excessive.
XYZCF - I agree with you. I do believe our spouse's pain would have had to have been enormous for them to be able to do what they did.
When drowning - you grab onto the closest log of wood. (Whatever that log of wood is).
It is disappointing to find ourselves this far away from BD, and to still be struggling with it all.
I also agree - most therapists do consider our response excessive, but those people have never been in this situation. They have no idea.
A friend once said - he's a therapist, not a sage!
My therapist recently said that he sees the boys and I in an extended grieving process.
Yes we are grieving, and yes it is an extended period of time, but I do not think that it is unusual given the circumstances.
-
Yep, BDP is treatable with medicines therapy. Kikki, maybe female MLCers present more BDP traits but like you, I though my husband had turned bipolar.
MLC is bipolar. They swing between moods all the time. From hyper thrilled to deep sorrow. The thing is, can it be treated (or minimized)? I think it can be minimized because it involves depression and if the depression is taken care of a good part of the anxiety, unrest, feeling of drowning and suffocation is removed.
They would still have to process all their issues, may require time alone but it would be a bit different than having them out and about with no medicines or therapy.
It is a little odd that they always grab the wrong log, isn’t it? Especially when they knew we always had been there for them… Unless, of course, they are trying to prevent us from drowning with them… But they torped us to the point of sinking our ship as well so it all a bit weird.
-
As I felt after the workshop there are many commonalities between different mental illnesses and what we see in MLC but that doesn't make it treatable IMHO because the person must want to be treated and most MLCer's don't see anything wrong with what they are doing. You'd also have to get the right medications and that's always tricky especially if MLC has multiple symptoms and meds always affect people differently.
One example given by the presenter was a woman who was diagnosed with bipolar disease when actually she was suffering from a thyroid "storm"..got her thyroid under control and she was no longer manic.
I also personally still see this as a developmental issue and just like meds will not change a child in the terrible twos nor stop an adolescent from rebelling, I don't think meds will help in the majority of cases.
Some MLCers seem to have some insight that there is something wrong and perhaps would benefit from talk therapy. In my husband's case..he does nothing about other medical issues that has other than swallow his meds so I doubt that he would be inclined to do anything about this...even if he recognized that he was having a problem which he doesn't seem to.
-
It is a little odd that they always grab the wrong log, isn’t it? Especially when they knew we always had been there for them… Unless, of course, they are trying to prevent us from drowning with them… But they torped us to the point of sinking our ship as well so it all a bit weird.
Yes - an 'interesting' choice of log all right!
This whole bipolar thing has me thinking, as the therapist that we both saw around Christmas time, said that with the infidelity, there also was the link to bipolar. But there's also a link between depression and infidelity too.
But doesn't bipolar depression especially have some thoughtless sexual behaviour attached to it??? Along with spending large amounts of money etc.
XY - I believe there are also quite a few mental illnesses where the patient does not consider themselves unwell, and refuses medication. Bipolar and schizophrenia are two that I know of.
My H was one of the ones who has been off and on, acutely aware that something is amiss with him. He seems terrified at the thought of 'mental illness' and medications though. So not much chance of him getting help either.
I also believe it is a developmental issue, but this (mental illness) combined with that makes more sense to me.
-
Yes, there is so much stigma surrounding mental illness that to take meds or receive treatment is somehow seen as acknowledging something that people do not want to be labelled with.
Jane Pauley ( major USA newscaster) developed bipolar disease in her 40's following administration of prednisone for hives.
There definitely seems to be a genetic componet to bipolar disease.
Kikki, I agree with you..there may not be a specific diagnosis but symptoms that could be indicative of many disorders...no simple blood test to tell.
-
Add another to list to support MLC as bipolar-related. My H was diagnosed bipolar in Jan 2010 after months of saying "Something is happening to me." At one point, he wanted an MRI because he was scared he had a brain tumor. After being a guinea pig for various meds, by Aug 2010 he went off of them cold turkey (the worst possible thing he could have done). The awareness that something was going on never ended for him. He still seems to know and says odd things to let me know that.
In hindsight, his psychiatrist had a good plan of action for MLC - a year of SSRI's to stabilize mood, then a year of talk therapy to deal with issues. That would deal with some of it. At the time that seemed daunting. But compared to MLC - what a cinch!
-
Reactive Attachment Disorder: This is one that had me thinking about the issue of developmental tasks not being successfully navigated in childhood “ the child’s basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren’t met and loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may permanently change the child’s brain hurting the ability to establish future relationships.
Interesting the presenter talked that this is a lifelong condition and that many people marry but end up divorced because they cannot form an attachment to other people. These people enjoy being alone. They may have 1 or 2 good friends but often destroy relationships. They do not attach to their own children because they are unable to feel that bond.
I think MLC has everything to do with an attachment disorder. A person without an attachment disorder would never be able to leave their family and friends. Moreover, I have always seen there was something wrong in H's family. There is no love and my H has to please his mother in order to get her love and attention. It's an ongoing story cause whatever you do for a mother like that, she is not able to give what you want.
Now, since MLC, his mother is out of the picture as well. Normally he involved her in our live, went on vacations with her, paid everything for her. I never heard she said 'thank you' to him. Never. One year ago she was a healthy woman. Now she is mentally ill and has severe heart problems. She has 5 children and no one seem to care much. H said that he was willing to visit her more frequently, but that he was absolutely not going to take care of her. He said he had nothing in common with her and thus nothing to say to her. Wonder what her condition has to do with his MLC.
BPD is also caused by an attachment disorder. I think thats why so many OW have BPD or are in MLC as well.
-
One example given by the presenter was a woman who was diagnosed with bipolar disease when actually she was suffering from a thyroid "storm"..got her thyroid under control and she was no longer manic.
This is why my friend who is a psychiatrist (and has treated my MLC cousin when he hit rock bottom) always demands blood tests and other tests. Thyroid problems can be very similar to bipolar disorder/MLC. And my husband may be suffering from thyroid issues. His mum and sister did and his sister wanted him to be tested. He refused. Mine knew he was depressed but keep refusing help/treatment.
He has been depressed before and have never refused treatment so this time everything was very strange. Especially because since he said he was going to leave and until a couple of years after BD he keep saying I need to help him because he was not well. Clearly he knew something was wrong. And was well aware OW1 had not been the way to go. He told that when they broke, that he knew it was wrong and the wrong way of trying to solve things.
Why has he moved on to OW2 and the court cases? Who knows…
Like Kikki I think there is far more to MLC than just development issues. And if a teen become too frantic the teen will have to be treated. There is a line between normal development/growth issues and not normal ones. Children and teens with not normal development need treatment. Same with people in midlife people. However it is far more easy to treat a child or a teen than a midlife person. The child and teen will have to do what their parents make them do, the midlifer is a grown up.