Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: RivenIN2 on August 25, 2012, 03:13:04 PM
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I have picked up bits and pieces of these answers on threads but would like to hear from more people on this topic, I have not slept with my W in an intimate fashion in over a year, is this the norm? Is it out of the ordinary? I'd like to hear from others what their experience has been especially the ones with live in MLc'ers.
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Over a year. Thanks for the reminder. :( :( :(
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5 years and 6 months but I've been having a vanisher for many years.
Think one year is normal.
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Wo, that's a real touchy one isn't it.
My h lived in for 3 years and is just moving out now. We still were intimate up until the point where detachment kicked in and it didn't feel right. Monster said to me that I used sex as a weapon ( not even sure what that means in practice, let alone do it! ) And I said welll best not go there then if that's what you think. That was about 4 months or so ago.
Big cycles toward me result in sex but its not the same. An emotionally detached man??? Not that I ever would but you could find that in the nearest bar. Its not your h or w you are with right now, would 1 year be normal, no, but in mlc land I guess its par for the course.
From a womans point of view we have to feel the emotional connection as well. Without that it doesn't make us feel good. ( Open for any challenge to that). Your w doesn't feel that for you riight now and will therefore not feel safe. Nothing to do with you or your physical attractiveness, but you know that, right.
I believe that men remain bonded to the woman they continue to have sex with, woman work a little different there.
Sd
X
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It's been since Thanksgiving 2011. It wasn't right then and he left 2 weeks later. He's pretty much no contact with me. I stopped keeping track, it was too depressing. :( Sadly I feel like I am in my prime now and look the best I have since in my 20's. :)
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Riv, it might have been interesting if you had asked when the last time we had sex with ANYONE was. Wouldn't change my answer though.....
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To me it is not the emotional connection, it is the attraction. I still feel a small emotional connection with husband but I no longer find him attractive. So, he could be come round now and I would not be interested.
Men remain bonded to the woman they continue to sleep with because of the release of oxytocin. That is why a male MLCer that has OW and keeps sleeping with his wife will not find it easy to stop being intimate with any of the women. Same for the male MLCer who is breaking with OW and re-starting to sleep with the wife. He will still want, for a while, to sleep with OW.
I keep sleeping with mine on the earlier months post BD. Then put and end to it. It was not doing me any good. Yes, it may had kept him closer and more bonded to me but it was only causing me emotional and psychological pain. He tried to convince me to be his “girlfriend” and sleep with him when OW1 was no more but I refused.
If the question was the one T is suggesting my answer would change. Still, even that anwser was too long ago.
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I asked this question not to bring up bad memories for anyone, or to pry, but I keep coming back around to this same place in my fight. I am still attracted to my W and refuse to look elsewhere for release. It is a constant frustration for me and the cause of many of my cycles. If I could put this issue to rest in my own head for awhile I think I would be better off for it.
I almost seem to have a unhealthy focus on this issue, it really is a major obstacle for me to overcome. I know it is different for women, the emotional attachment has to be there first, where men create the attachment through sex. If any of you read the way I described ML to my W you may understand me a little more and why I have such an issue with this one. But anyway thanks for the answers! Anyone else care to chime in here, go ahead I'm still interested in anything you have to say.
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24 days for me when he was helping me move I haven't been up since and H hasn't been down. He starts work this week so who knows when I will see him next, although he plans on moving down he keeps telling me (or warning) I just let it go in one ear and out the other because as I am learning seeing is believing. LOL. We do talk about it though when he isn't being distant like the last three days.
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Don't think you have an almost unhealthy focus on the issue. Intimacy with our spouse was a very important part of our marriages. Now it is gone, tought one for us to cope with.
It is not easy to deal with still being attacked to the spouse and not be able to be intimate with them. Especially if the LBS is not opposed to be intimate with the spouse. Maybe it will stop being such an obstacle if a point comes when you’re no longer attracted to your wife?... You have a live-in MLCer, think that makes things much tougher.I think detachment, of any level, is harder if they are still around.
Does your mention of maybe asking your wife to leave on Thundarr thread has anything to do with this intimacy issue and the fact that you remain attracted to your wife? Do you think it would be easier for you to overcome it if she wasn’t around?
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Since bomb drop 9 months ago...he told me he never wanted to see me again, and then said I could ML to him if I wanted to...crazy huh? I thought he was out of his mind, but I guess I thought somehow maybe it would change his mind so I did. Hard to imagine how he could perform under that circumstance....
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Riv-
I understand your question. In any 'regular marriage', if there was no intimacy, it is not normal. If someone were to ask you if you wanted to marry a woman who will never have sex with you... what would your answer be?
It's been 20 mos. of no intimacy with ex, since immediately after BD, as a matter of fact, it is her not wanting to be intimate that gave me the inkling that there may be a problem. At first I thought it was a problem with sex.
Intimacy is important to me, if someone said to me - your soon to be bride will have sex with you for 14 years but then not have sex with you ever again, will you still want to marry her? .... my answer would be no thank you.
I too still found my ex to be attractive, and still sleeping on the same bed with her, but not being able to be intimate or even touch her was very difficult.... which contributed to my decision to move out.
It is not an unhealthy focus. It's a basic human need.
Again, I think that my ex has divorced me quickly to be merciful. I know that a live at home MLCer is so very difficult, and cruel.
My best to you Riv. We should set up another meetup soon.
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After BD and two days before he ran away from home.....(didn't know that he was about to leave, by the way).
That was 2 years ago - August 13th.....(he left on the 15th).
Hey! It was Friday the 13th! I never noticed that, until now.
limitless
(Isn't this a site of sex starved people????)
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6 days ago - he moved out last night for the second time. He had moved to his mom's for 11 months and returned for 8 weeks before he left again.
Funny thing is that although it was no where near what it was when things were normal, we always continued to be intimate. Even when he had moved out, we still had intimate moments.
H did tell me sometimes the day after we wereintimate he felt wierd. Like blahh. Those were his exact words! I'm not sure what blah meant. I'm guessing intmacy brought out emotions in him that confused him more??? I don't know.
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Several years, but I'm not sure exact dates. We both had a lot of libido and performance issues for the last few years. Once he was on his meds in 2010 there was definitely nothing. He said it felt like he had a "bruised aura" and that it hurt to be touched. We agreed to just let it be what it was and not try to force anything, but we kept a healthy (I thought) dialog going about it. We still were affectionate in a general way through right prior to BD (actually, we still held hands and kissed until a month after he moved out, strangely enough, when he felt like it. Then he asked me to stop saying "I love you" or even kissing him on the cheek, as he "needed to heal." I had no clue what that meant). So basically - it's been a long time!! I'm grateful though that there wasn't any sexual crossover between me and OW.
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8-1/2 months - with H or anyone else :)
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17 months. A week before he told me he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. Although the few weeks leading up were odd and looking back I know he was just trying to 'cover up' what he knew he was about to do. he was decieving me and it all started just a few days after our first weekend away which we BOTH said was great???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
Had no need for me when he had belly dancing OW. Not sure who he is using now since OW is gone??
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Don't think you have an almost unhealthy focus on the issue. Intimacy with our spouse was a very important part of our marriages. Now it is gone, tought one for us to cope with.
It is not easy to deal with still being attacked to the spouse and not be able to be intimate with them. Especially if the LBS is not opposed to be intimate with the spouse. Maybe it will stop being such an obstacle if a point comes when you’re no longer attracted to your wife?... You have a live-in MLCer, think that makes things much tougher.I think detachment, of any level, is harder if they are still around.
Does your mention of maybe asking your wife to leave on Thundarr thread has anything to do with this intimacy issue and the fact that you remain attracted to your wife? Do you think it would be easier for you to overcome it if she wasn’t around?
Yes this is a major part of my issues with cycling up and down. I am still attracted to her and since I still live her would very much like to be intimate but that has been ruled out by her. If I know she is not going to be around I am fine, I do not cycle and although I still think about sex it does not make me cycle. Having her so near is what absolutely kills me and makes me crazy. So I would have to say yes it is THE most important reason I want to ask her to leave. If she were out on her own then I could concentrate on the other things I need to do for me, D18 and S24.
I look at it this way, we are nothing more then room mates right now at best but yet I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and anything else that keeps the house going. She just comes and goes to work and play, but does not interact in any positive ways with the rest of the family. She is a constant distraction and annoyance on her best days and a complete and utter hellion on the worst. She fights non stop with D18, had nothing nice to say about me or anything I do. It would be a relief to have her leave and I think an important step for her to finish her journey. I have no illusions that she would return right away if at all, but I am beginning to really believe she must go if she is to see or really think about the things she did.
I live inthe hell we all know so well but think it could be better if she goes. Maybe it won't be forever but if it is then I would rather get on with it then to drag it out another year. It has already been far to long, most MLC'ers do leave at some point or come to their senses she has done neither, so maybe it is time to push her a little.
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RivenIN2
On my divorce course I recently did was one female participant who has been together with her H for I think around 2 decades and they were intimate around 5 times a week until he decided to STOP. He is still in the house but moving out soon. She still shakes her head in disbelief. I let her know they were others experiencing the same thing with their spouses still living at home but not wanting to be part of the marriage. So tough. I cannot imagine being able to handle that.
SP
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Stillpraying did you mean divorce case? Are you telling me you are a lawyer? lol you could be a valueable resource to ask questions if you are.
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Ah no, sorry :)
I meant 'Divorce Care' course. They have a web site and can send daily devotional stuff. Very practical for us lbsers. The name is not really a good one as it's not only for divorced people as I am not either. It focuses on us, our healing etc. it is christian based.
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We are still intimate several times a week and I don't know if that is a good thing. In his psychotic times he told me he wanted to be intimate with me cause that was the only time he had his feelings back. I think he had a severe PTSS at that time cause he always said that he he had no feelings anymore.
He told me he's living with OW cause he needs to live somewhere. I really don't know what kind of a relation they have, but he comes home several times a week always kisses me and since 2 months not showing Monster anymore. Sometimes I am afraid that we will be stuck in this situation cause he might think that I accept his behavior.
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We are still intimate several times a week and I don't know if that is a good thing. In his psychotic times he told me he wanted to be intimate with me cause that was the only time he had his feelings back. I think he had a severe PTSS at that time cause he always said that he he had no feelings anymore.
He told me he's living with OW cause he needs to live somewhere. I really don't know what kind of a relation they have, but he comes home several times a week always kisses me and since 2 months not showing Monster anymore. Sometimes I am afraid that we will be stuck in this situation cause he might think that I accept his behavior.
I'm not being judgmental here as I can only wish I was being intimate but if there is an OW you should be careful even though he is your H. That said I will say no more.
Thanks for being honest.
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6 years since any sexual intercourse.
A month or more since EXH was enabling for me to have a release.
But I've stopped all that due to the Oxytocin release in the brain.
All that does is is make me pair more strongly with him and if he isn't having an orgasm that's not making him bond any closer with me.
I was letting him enable me quite a bit when I first got back up here more than a year ago ...couldn't understand why I was so frantic and freaked out about things. Guess that must have been why.
Think that's what exow did to herself with him too due to his ED. She must have drove herself nuts.
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It's been 3 years and 2 months.
He dropped the bomb and that was the end of any physical intimacy. The low level emotional intimacy stopped about 6 months before that.
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yesterday.....
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Blast you, Rebel!! Oh, wait.......
That actually brings a bit of hope. How long was the dry spell?
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For a while I think it was about 18 months. Then once, then about another year.
Lately things have been better, and we just got back from vacation.
Here's the strange thing, we have a great marriage.....sort of.
We just don't live under the same roof. She texted me first thing this morning
for example, and does almost every day. I'm just giving things more time.
I think if I pushed, she'd come back, but I want her to finish this journey and
make that choice on her own.
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Know see I have a gut feeling that my W has to complete her journey elsewhere, but I also know if I push her to leave it will probably cause a domino effect and force her to pull the trigger with her lawyer. I really want her to go and finish what she has to finish but do not want to destroy all chance of reconciliation.
The lack of intimacy is just a trigger for me to cycle, one I am truly tired of feeling.
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Great question. For me on our anniversary 6-29. Afterwards he told me he had to send a text (I knew it was to OW) that was it for me. It has never happened again and that helped me to detach like nothing else could have. I just felt so used.
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Since BD so almost 5 months :(
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We are still intimate several times a week and I don't know if that is a good thing. In his psychotic times he told me he wanted to be intimate with me cause that was the only time he had his feelings back. I think he had a severe PTSS at that time cause he always said that he he had no feelings anymore.
He told me he's living with OW cause he needs to live somewhere. I really don't know what kind of a relation they have, but he comes home several times a week always kisses me and since 2 months not showing Monster anymore. Sometimes I am afraid that we will be stuck in this situation cause he might think that I accept his behavior.
Niek, from the outside looking in, what you have written is ringing alarm bells with me. A man (who has had psychotic episodes) who is living with another woman, has sex with you several times a week; and this pacifies Monster i.e. you provide sex and he is no longer angry, verbally abusive and spiteful to you.
It is likely he doesn't care whether you accept his behaviour or not, he's getting what he wants, from you and the OW.
Please take the best possible care of you. Be careful.
honour
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Honour. No the sex didn't pacify Monster. I think he has been thinking a lot lately, cause I gave him stuff to think about. Like that I wanted him to take a look at himself, were his anger came from cause it is not something that I do or say that causes this anger. So I told him this anger must be something within you. Since then I didn't see Monster anymore and he is much more relaxed. I also told him to google 'black and white thinking'. He always accuses me of being black and white. If you search the internet on black and white thinking it leads you to Borderline. People who cannot control their anger anymore, leaving their families, sometimes leaving their jobs, people who are not able to take a look at themselves etc. etc. That is what he is and what he has done. Never heard anymore the black and white issue. Now the fog in his head is slowly going away (until recently he even told me several times he was very confused) I see that I can sometimes say things to him which he is able now to digest. Until 2 months ago this should have been absolutely impossible.
I know what causes his MLC and he knows it too as he had been reading my mails I wrote to someone with the same cultural background as H and who was in this mess for about 5 years. I didn't know he knew my password, but he did. I think he has to get in terms with it, with his traumatizes parents and his childhood issues.
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Rebel- great job on your part!!!!- keep it up ( no pun intended)
Actually last year it was 6 years for me I had that frozen in time. Actually it's seven years UGH!! ::)
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Just over a year, about a year ago he moved on to the couch, he evven said he wanted me to find someone else, then he made it out the door in February. :(
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Almost 2 years :(
I miss this part of our marriage tremendously, especially the closeness we had after ML. :'(
Intimacy fell off very fast after September 2010 and obviously zeroed after BD (Dec 2010).
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Well once again the people here have taught me a lesson, I really thought I was alone in feeling the way I do. I know intimacy is a touchy subject for some and it is very different for men and women. I know this is a trigger for me to cycle now. Maybe since I know it is a trigger I can do something about it instead of letting it get to me.
I would begin to feel the need for that closeness and of course because she has forbidden it I would start to get depressed. In the past I would allow this to happen and sort of wallow in that depressive hole I would find myself in.(be nice I know that I set that one up but just ignore it OK?)
I am hoping now I can maybe snap my rubber bands and pull myself out of those thoughts, speaking of which I just noticed I do not have them on, and I am not sure when or where they came off. Oh well I'll get another one. But the trick of snapping the rubber bands did work for me with depression so maybe it will help here also.
I am going to keep going for now, I keep falling but with the help of the kind people here I have always picked myself up.
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Told you it would, buddy. They probably disintegrated due to your wearing them out. ;)
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Well, my H started on meds for HBP and hperlipidemia so believe me, that was not good. And he would not talk about the issue with me- we slept together nightly till he left but he used to take sleeping pills and turn his back to me. When we went to a therapist after BD, the one and only time, he told her he was not interested in having sex with me. We always had a great sex life until the meds. Then there was the preoccupation with his new job and I lost interest because I needed to know he wanted and loved me not his job. So BD was in Jan and he refuses to see me so no sex for me.
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September 26, 2009 was the last time H and I were intimate. It was the morning of my sister's wedding...that's how I'm able to remember the date and believe, I don't want to remember how long it's been. Since then I've been kissed by one other man and found out the hard way that I was his MLC diversion. Thank goodness it was only a kiss and a few sweet verbal exchanges.
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Coming up on the 3 year anniversary, pretty soon.
I remember the date because it was on my calendar to try to have a "date night".
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Sorry....2 days ago. My MLCer and I remained intimate throughout his MLC which is 25 months since BD. I think the longest was a month without being intimate. At first, I didn't know about OW, then after, it was my way of pretending she must not mean that much to him. But it was a chance...he could have given me an STD. I was very lucky. His physical affair ended over a year ago. Now frequency depends on whether he is in a cycle towards me or whether he is quiet and a little depressed.
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Today actually marks the four-month anniversary since we were together in that way. Think I will keep my comments to myself.
:-X
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Last time I tried to initiate was September 09, she crawled in bed with me in Feb 2010 the day she signed the lease on her rental house. That was a weak moment for me, now there is no physical contact at all I maintain a respectable distance at all times.
Mac
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Thank you for asking this question. It makes me feel less .........alone? wierd?
intimacy stopped about a year ago when h moved to the sofa. he then moved to a spare room and out by end of 2011.
h now wants reconciliation. I feel no attractiveness to him. but that could be to do with the barrier and boundaries I have had to put up as part of my journey. part of my detachment and part of my being true to myself, authenticity.
He would now ML i'm sure. he said he felt he wanted to kiss me recently I didn't want to so I didn't.
I am super wary. I bond like glue if I ML , oh my oxytocin kicks in and when h was on trial separation (spring 2011) and we met up and began to ml etc I "let my bits rule my head' and h had a certain amount of cake eating , and tho we ml frequently after he moved back in in late june 2011 that was thrown back at me by cruel cruel monster in Sept 2011.
I have been so hurt by this man I could not (yet? ever?) ml. so though for the first time since I was 23 I haven't had him as a lover nothing bad has happened to me. nothing has dropped off through lack of use and I feel more respect and "sovereignty" for myself. I will have a lover again, maybe it will be him , maybe someone else but right now I'm in no hurry .
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Like two weeks ago? After BD we pretty much increased to every day while he was still living in the house, then after he moved out the 1st time we would ML whenever he came over or we had a date (about 3 or 4X a week). Then he moved back in and it went back to pretty much every day. Most recently, he left again and we haven't had much contact. He asked me to dinner tonight and I accepted. I wonder what he's thinking and I'm not sure what I'm thinking about this topic! I guess I feel like it helps our connection so I'll probably go along. If he doesn't initiate, I'll probably feel bad. What might be good is if he initiates and I play hard to get...just like dating! ::)
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Can't recall that far back.
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for me I did ml in order to keep the connection. it didn;t work just made me more malliable and open to manioulation because the attachment was reinforced. but not his attachment to me.