[RivenIN2]

I have picked up bits and pieces of these answers on threads but would like to hear from more people on this topic, I have not slept with my W in an intimate fashion in over a year, is this the norm? Is it out of the ordinary? I'd like to hear from others what their experience has been especially the ones with live in MLc'ers.

[Thundarr]

Over a year.  Thanks for the reminder.   

[Anjae]

5 years and 6 months but I've been having a vanisher for many years.

Think one year is normal.

[superdog]

Wo, that's a real touchy one isn't it.

My h lived in for 3 years and is just moving out now. We still were intimate up until the point where detachment kicked in and it didn't feel right. Monster said to me that I used sex as a weapon ( not even sure what that means in practice, let alone do it! ) And I said welll best not go there then if that's what you think.  That was about 4 months or so ago.

Big cycles toward me result in sex but its not the same. An emotionally detached man??? Not that I ever would but you could find that in the nearest bar. Its not your h or w you are with right now, would 1 year be normal, no, but in mlc land I guess its par for the course.

From a womans point of view we have to feel the emotional connection as well. Without that it doesn't make us feel good. ( Open for any challenge to that). Your w doesn't feel that for you riight now and will therefore not feel safe. Nothing to do with you or your physical attractiveness, but you know that, right.

I believe that men remain bonded to the woman they continue to have sex with, woman work a little different there.

Sd
X 

[Keepthefaith22]

It's been since Thanksgiving 2011.  It wasn't right then and he left 2 weeks later.  He's pretty much no contact with me. I stopped keeping track, it was too depressing.    Sadly I feel like I am in my prime now and look the best I have since in my 20's. 

[Thundarr]

Riv, it might have been interesting if you had asked when the last time we had sex with ANYONE was.  Wouldn't change my answer though.....

[Anjae]

To me it is not the emotional connection, it is the attraction. I still feel a small emotional connection with husband but I no longer find him attractive. So, he could be come round now and I would not be interested.

Men remain bonded to the woman they continue to sleep with because of the release of oxytocin. That is why a male MLCer that has OW and keeps sleeping with his wife will not find it easy to stop being intimate with any of the women. Same for the male MLCer who is breaking with OW and re-starting to sleep with the wife. He will still want, for a while, to sleep with OW.

I keep sleeping with mine on the earlier months post BD. Then put and end to it. It was not doing me any good. Yes, it may had kept him closer and more bonded to me but it was only causing me emotional and psychological pain. He tried to convince me to be his “girlfriend” and sleep with him when OW1 was no more but I refused.

If the question was the one T is suggesting  my answer would change. Still, even that anwser was too long ago.

[RivenIN2]

I asked this question not to bring up bad memories for anyone, or to pry, but I keep coming back around to this same place in my fight. I am still attracted to my W and refuse to look elsewhere for release. It is a constant frustration for me and the cause of many of my cycles. If I could put this issue to rest in my own head for awhile I think I would be better off for it.


I almost seem to have a unhealthy focus on this issue, it really is a major obstacle for me to overcome. I know it is different for women, the emotional attachment has to be there first, where men create the attachment through sex. If any of you read the way I described ML to my W you may understand me a little more and why I have such an issue with this one. But anyway thanks for the answers! Anyone else care to chime in here, go ahead I'm still interested in anything you have to say.

[FindingJoJo]

24 days for me when he was helping me move I haven't been up since and H hasn't been down.  He starts work this week so who knows when I will see him next, although he plans on moving down he keeps telling me (or warning)  I just let it go in one ear and out the other because as I am learning seeing is believing.  LOL.  We do talk about it though when he isn't being distant like the last three days. 

[Anjae]

Don't think you have an almost unhealthy focus on the issue. Intimacy with our spouse was a very important part of our marriages. Now it is gone, tought one for us to cope with.

It is not easy to deal with still being attacked to the spouse and not be able to be intimate with them. Especially if the LBS is not opposed to be intimate with the spouse. Maybe it will stop being such an obstacle if a point comes when you’re no longer attracted to your wife?... You have a live-in MLCer, think that makes things much tougher.I think detachment, of any level, is harder if they are still around.

Does your mention of maybe asking your wife to leave on Thundarr thread has anything to do with this intimacy issue and the fact that you remain attracted to your wife? Do you think it would be easier for you to overcome it if she wasn’t around?