Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Rebel Yell on September 09, 2012, 05:59:40 PM
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Hi Gang, I hope I can get this thought out of my brain and into print and have it say what I think! LOL
IMHO we are, in a way, the chosen ones. We are the leaders, the flag poles, the light houses. We are the ones the God has trusted with one of his children, the MLCer.
We have been chosen to rise above, to pave the way, and to show true love, strength and integrity in this situation. Sow the seeds, don't look to fill your own needs, now right now.
Thoughts???
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Yes, You are right and I have been sowing weeds not seeds. Thanks for the reminder. I have so much to learn and grow before i am through this crisis. I am still too much about my own pain, my own needs to see through to the bigger picture. Everytime, like tonight, I always want to scream at myself, because I'm still caught up in my own pain. Thank yo \u for the refocus that I need. :( It's really hard sometimes.
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Sowing seeds is not incompatible with filling our won needs. If we don't feel out needs we will not be able to provide to anyone else.
Wondering, you've been on this for a short time (in MLC terms), don't beat yourself up because you're still caught in your own pain. Even those of us who are further on can still get wrapped up on our pain now and then.
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My nickel?
Part of the reason we were left so devastated is the expectation that our spouses would fulfill most of our needs.
WRONG.
This is now a time of learning of how best to care for ourselves and meet our own needs without them.
That does not mean we cannot be kind. forgiving, and compassionate.
It does mean we put our selves first for change. Most of us were fixers and far too often put ourselves and our needs dead last.
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I truly believe sowing seeds- is to have positive thoughts for the MLCer. Yes, I am still in pain- still can't comprehend but I believe that this is not about me, this is about him. And I too, have been the "fixer" but adult behaviors are something we cannot control- we can only control how we react to the situation. I still love my h but I'm afraid he hates me. He has rewritten our history- and I cannot argue with his perception at this point. So the seeds I plant are positive thoughts for my once lovely h but I must take care of me for a change. It's been difficult but I have done the best I could at the time and now must plant the seeds of forgiveness, compassion and trust in life. Must also learn to live by myself after 30 years- get back to who I am - not just a mom and wife.
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I agree. How do we sow the seeds? I made mistakes in my communication with H at the beginning but now I try to see things from his point of view and consider the information I have read here. I am friendly and kind when I see him and I keep him posted about the children. Should I do more? If so what?
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Rebel,
This is a good topic. For me, sometimes its hard to think about paving the way. I do, but for days like today its not easy.
I'm friendly, I never let him see any sadness :'(. I also dont stand in his way. I dont asked any questions and I dont complain. We are perfect roommates. Over the last 17 months, I have taken this time to find me. I was always wife and mom. I gave up so much of myself that I didnt know how to be just me. In finding me, he sees a different person. One that doesnt judge, appreciates things that he does for me and around the house.
Im not his mother, I dont fix or control. He sees these things too. All of these things for me are paving the way. I make it a safe place for him to be. Before BD, there was alot of tension. I could see it on his face when he came home. Now, I see that he enjoys being there. He is more relaxed.
All of this is paving the way to me. I decided in the beginning of this whole mess that I would change the things about me that I didnt like. That I would be the person I always wanted to be and in doing so, I have changed almost every aspect of my thought process. That if I did that and he still walked away, I could live with that.
Im in friend, nothing more, nothing less. I treat him how I would want to be treated. With love and respect. I dont expect anything from him.
This for me is paving the way.
FH
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FH, this makes sense, this is how I am. My H comes back once a week so I don't see him much but when I do I do all the things you say you are doing. I too have decided to change my thought processes and learn about any dysfunctional thinking of behaviours that have caused me suffering in the past and thus caused my H suffering! I have done a pretty good job already, I hope my H sees or senses this.
This is really good for me to hear because I think I am actually paving the way. I feel a little confused about what exactly I should be doing to pave the way and sow seeds. I am just trying to be the best mom I can be, focus on improving myself and not put any pressure or demands upon my H. I am just waiting for him to make the next move and sit tight right now.
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TT,
The things that you are changing about yourself are for you and Im glad that you know that. It is the only way the changes "stick". Paving the way or sowing seeds, well, it comes from making the changes in you, if that makes sense.
Once I had found a way to work on the things that I didnt like (like my extreme OCD), I became calmer, gentler. I was able to see the mistakes and problems I caused in my marriage. I use to say all the time " its tough being me" and I meant it.
Just be you. When he sees you it has to make him feel good. Dont be fake, he wont trust the changes. Until he sees that this is who you are now, he wont believe them. He will test you. I tell myself all the time when h does try to bait me, " I'm a duck, Im a duck" it makes me laugh and I just walk away.
One thing that I can say to you, is dont wait for him to make a move. You are sitting yourself up for dissapointment. Be the best mom and you, be his friend. Treat him as you would want him to treat you, even if he doesnt.
Not putting pressure or demands on him right now is the best way for paving the way. I think of it like this, if after the changes that I made he still wants to walk away, I'll be OK because out of this I have become a better me, and it wont be me who takes any unresolved issues from my past to my future. That my friend was and is my goal.
Just be you, the better version of you. He will notice, sooner or later.
FH
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Thank you FH, this is great advice. I am getting the hang of what paving the way means and what sowing seeds is all about. I have so many ideas of things I want to do for me. I am doing some of them already, I just need to spend less time researching and thinking about MLC and my H and more time doing the things I want to be doing!
I also need to be sure I ignore some of the mean accusations he levelled at me, he shouted "you don't DO anything" which is rubbish seeing as I had spent the past 2 years bringing a new life into the world and looking after my older S too! At the same time as working part time, setting up creative projects and maintaining close friendships. Not to mention keeping the house going and lunches made and bills paid and beds changed and toilets cleaned! He just didn't value what I was DOING because it wasn't what he was doing or what his OW was doing.
So in paving the way I will value the things I have been doing and do them with joy and enthusiasm. I will make changes to my character that need it and learn, learn, learn.
Thanks again FH
BTW do you live with your H? I will try and find your posts and catch up with your situation.
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IMHO we are, in a way, the chosen ones. We are the leaders, the flag poles, the light houses. We are the ones the God has trusted with one of his children, the MLCer.
God entrusted me with two children. They are now young adults learning and fending for themselves.
I was in partnership with an adult. That partnership is now at an end, her choice.
I am sowing seeds of independence and self-reliance. If I don't choose independence I'm confining myself to a semi life, a life trapped in a world of longing and sadness.
honour
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Sowing seeds of change ....thats how I look at this.
It is so sad this happens not really to us...but more so to them....we have the whole crisis to process and accept fate as it works out. MLC will get their own BD at some point and I think for those who were truly good people to begin with it must be a shocking and terrifying feeling.
When their fog lifts and they see clearly for the first time the path of destruction they have left it has to be so painful for those that loved their families...I know Covert Depression stage....
The hardest part is knowing that we can not actively help them and that they have to fell the pain to heal, and if any of you are like me I am always taking he burden of the people I love and I will not be able to do that this time.
So I say sowing seeds of change ... meaning setting the foundation for your new life once this passes, with your spouse or not. For me I would never be able to live with myself if I did not do everything I can do to save my relationship. In the end I want to know I DID WHAT WAS BEST.
MY SEEDS OF CHANGE WILL BE:
*My life happiness does not depend on my H.
*I am a good person, and I deserve to have a fulfilling life even if my H is not there with me.
*I will tell my H that I love him and want him in my life... because its true.
*I will always be kind to him even when he does not deserve it because its the right thing to do.
there is a quote that says "love them when they deserve it the least , because that is when they need it the most"
this has been my mantra.....I say this to myself at least 20 times a day :) and out loud to my kids all the time....just remind them that their dad is still there but he can't make his way out of the storm in his head yet...but will eventually and he will remember that we all treated him with love when he did not deserve it :)
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Yes, we live together. Never did move out and his deadline has come and gone. We are polite roommates. We even sleep in the same bed. He had said twice that he was going to move out of the bedroom but never did.
We havent been intimate. He said at BD that we wouldnt because he didnt want to send mixed signals :o :o :o :o :o :o Really?!!! He has at least been true to that statement :P :-\
FH
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Finding Hope, your situation resonates with me, although I'm still very early along. H has bounced in and out of the house, but appears to be home to stay, at least till the next cycle. We're very polite roommates, adjourning to our separate rooms at end of day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's bloody awkward. I'm impressed that you've managed not to strangle your H after 17 months of this....
B5, I really like your ideas on seeds of change. Maybe that includes seeds of independence. Mine, and his. For the past year, I'd walked on eggshells around the house - H had become an obsessive-compulsive control freak. Don't disorganize the light switches. Don't move the papers - damn it you TOUCHED the papers! Suggesting I'd like to hang up a picture induced WWIII - "you're not allowed to put holes in the wall without my permission!!". So last week, I quietly pulled out hammer and nail, and put up a few things (my mask collection - apropos, no?). A little test. H saw them, but mirabile dictu, no screaming. Planted a little garden - first annuals only (who knows if I'll be living here next year, H spent the spring trying to throw me out of our house). Then in a fit of enthu, I planted 20-year peonies. H immediately threatened to rip them out. They're still there. Slowly I feel like this house is mine too. Think H sees that.
Am also working on fostering H's emotional independence from me. That's hard, but it has to be done. Distancing myself is not enough - he has to not need me, or he'll never want me. Think H has to see himself as his own man, or he'll never value himself or me (right now, he's pretty derogatory about himself from all prespectives, seems full of loathing - which of course bounces right back onto me). Am open to all suggestions on how to sow these painful seeds.
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Think H has to see himself as his own man, or he'll never value himself or me (right now, he's pretty derogatory about himself from all prespectives, seems full of loathing - which of course bounces right back onto me). Am open to all suggestions on how to sow these painful seeds.
that really is important. H does need to value himself or he can't value anything else. My H recently was in a self doubting mode and I let him know I believed in him. He thought it was the coolest thing and when he pulled through the issue he was feeling a bit better. Thanked me for believing in him and says he knows he can do this. It has also improved things between us too. I don't want him to rely on me for validation or emotional well being but rather be the lighthouse and offer kind words.
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My H doesn't seem to doubt himself, he thinks he's superman!
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Ah, H started out thinking he was superman... though for about 2 months after BD, thought I was seeing the incredible hulk, or maybe dr jekyll...
Sometime during his 2 month absence, my H seems to have exited the telephone booth sans cape. Or clutching a motherload of kryptonite. While I wasn't at all a fan of crazy-psycho-superdude, now I'm not sure what to do with Mr puddle-of-doubt.