Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: StillStanding on August 23, 2010, 11:12:28 AM
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I used to forward interesting things to the Prayer Circle forum on another divorce forum, but I got out of the habit when they were less relevant to people's situations.
Since I received this one yesterday, I figured it was appropriate to share...
How to overcome discouragement
by Rick Warren
Then the people of Judah said, "The work crews are worn out, and there is too much rubble. We can't continue to rebuild the wall." Nehemiah 4:10 (GWT)
Discouragement is curable. Whenever I get discouraged, I head straight to Nehemiah. This great leader of ancient Israel understood there were four reasons for discouragement.
First, you get fatigued -- You simply get tired as the laborers did in Nehemiah 4:10. We're human beings and we wear out. You cannot burn the candle at both ends. So if you're discouraged, it may be you don't have to change anything. You just need a vacation! Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Second, you get frustrated -- Nehemiah says there was rubble all around, so much that it was getting in the way of rebuilding the wall. Do you have rubble in your life? Have you noticed that anytime you start doing something new, the trash starts piling up?
If you don't clean it out periodically, it's going to stop your progress. You can't avoid it, so you need to learn to recognize it and dispose of it quickly so you don't lose focus on your original intention.
What is the rubble in your life? I think rubble is the trivial things that waste your time and energy and prevent you from accomplishing what God has called you to do.
Third, you think you've failed -- Nehemiah's people were unable to finish their task as quickly as originally planned and, as a result, their confidence collapsed. They were thinking, "We were stupid to think we could ever rebuild this wall."
But you know what I do when I don't reach a goal on time? I just set a new goal. I don't give up. Everybody fails. Everybody does foolish things. So the issue is not that you failed - it's how you respond to your failure.
Do you give in to self-pity? Do you start blaming other people? Do you start complaining that it's impossible? Or, do you refocus on God's intentions and start moving again?
Finally, when you give in to fear, you get discouraged -- Nehemiah 4 suggests the people most affected by fear are those who hang around negative people. If you're going to control the negative thoughts in your life, you've got to get away from negative people as much as you can.
Maybe you're discouraged because of fear. You're dealing with fears like, "I can't handle this. It's too much responsibility." Maybe it's the fear that you don't deserve it. It's the fear of criticism. Fear will destroy your life if you let it. But you can choose to resist the discouragement. Say, "God help me get my eyes off the problem - off the circumstance - and keep my eyes on you."
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Thanks for posting this SS..
I always tried to read the other one you started "over there"...
Always seems like the right words at the right time!
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Give God your hurts
by Rick Warren
If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)
In your life, you will be hurt by others; sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. How you handle that hurt determines your happiness. When you bottle up hurt in your life and hold onto it - that's called resentment. If somebody hurt you years ago and you're still holding onto it, it will poison your life. For your own health and happiness, you must learn to forgive.
The Bible says forgive and be forgiven. In fact, Jesus says "if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done" (Matthew 6:15 TEV). They're inter-related. It reminds me of the story where someone told John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, "I just can't forgive that person! They hurt me too badly." Wesley's response was, "Then I hope you never sin."
For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That's one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload. Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of the past. Forgive them and let it go. Get on with life. Forgiveness erases the videotape of that hurt memory that keeps playing over and over in your mind.
When we let go of our hurts and forgive others, we are reflecting the grace of our heavenly Father who forgave us and continues to forgive us. It means we've given God our love; we've given God our lives; and, in doing that, we worship God.
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Jesus understands your fears and temptations
by Rick Warren
Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help. Hebrews 4:14-16 (MSG)
I have two questions for you today:
- In what area do you need self-control? What is out of control in your life?
- What scares you the most? The fear of failure? The fear of bad health? The fear of a divorce? The fear of rejection? The fear of the future?
Jesus says these things are prayer material, the things you ought to be talking to the Lord about. The areas where you're most tempted, you ought to be praying about. The areas that scare you to death, you ought to be praying about.
Jesus understands our fears and temptations; the Bible says he was tempted in all the same ways we are, but he did not sin.
The Bible says Jesus came to earth; he walked around for thirty-three years; and he experienced every temptation known to man, the same ones we experience. It is not a sin to be tempted; the sin is to give in to temptation.
The Bible says Jesus experienced the greatest temptations ever, yet, he didn't give in. But that also means when you pray, "I'm struggling in this area. I'm just not making it here. I keep stumbling. I keep falling," Jesus understands because Jesus has been there. He knows what it's like. He knows what it's like to want to be depressed, to want to be angry, and to want to lash back. He knows what it's like to be misunderstood and to be lonely.
Because Jesus "understands every weakness of ours" (Hebrews 4:15 CEV) the Bible says we can have "confidence, then, and approach God's throne, where there is grace. There we will receive mercy and find grace to help us just when we need it" (Hebrews 4:16 TEV).
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God Says You Are Valuable
by Rick Warren
You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him—be free now from all these earthly prides and fears. 1 Corinthians 7:23 (TLB)
God says not only are you accepted; you're valuable.
How much do you think you're worth? I'm not talking about your net worth; I'm talking about your self worth. Don't ever confuse your valuables with your value as a person. You can be rich or poor but it has nothing to do with your value as a person.
What determines value? There are two things that determine value in life:
1 - It depends on what someone is willing to pay for it. How much is your house worth? Not as much as you think it is, and probably not as much as it was a year ago. Your house is worth what somebody is willing to pay for it. No more.
How much is a baseball card worth? To some of you, it's worth nothing. To Matthew, my son, it's worth a lot of money. Some people are willing to pay $10,000 for a baseball card.
How much is a piece of art worth? Whatever someone is willing to pay for it.
2 - It depends on who owned it in the past. Sometimes something is valuable because of who used to own it. For example, would a car owned by Elvis Presley be more valuable than a car you owned? Probably. Or, would a guitar be more valuable because it was owned by John Lennon? I read about a pair of stinky, smelly, worn out basketball shoes that sold for $7,000 at an auction because they happened to be owned by someone named Michael Jordan.
Based on these two things, what's your value? Ask yourself, ‘Who owns me?’ ‘What was paid for me?’ The Bible says, “You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him—be free now from all these earthly prides and fears.” (1 Corinthians 7:23 TLB)
You have been bought and paid for by Christ. You belong to Jesus. How much does that make you worth?
Now ask yourself, ‘Who do I belong to?’ The Bible says you belong to God. God exchanged His own Son for you! The Cross proves your value. Jesus didn't die for junk. You are incredibly valuable. Nobody has ever paid a greater price than God paid for you. You are acceptable and you are valuable!
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An older one I haven't posted:
Your choice: panic or pray
by Rick Warren
My God shall supply all of your needs. Philippians 4:19 (NASB)
Jesus teaches you can give him your worries by asking God to provide for your needs and then trusting that he will provide.
For instance, we can ask God to give us the food we need each day. Some translations say, “Give us this day our daily bread.”
What is “daily bread”? It’s the necessities of life—our physical and material needs that we’re always worrying about. God wants you to ask him to provide those things so you don’t have to worry about them. He’s promised to provide all your needs: “My God shall supply all of your needs” (Philippians 4:19 NASB).
What do you need today? Energy to make it through the day? Finances? Wisdom? You have two alternatives: panic or pray. Philippians 4:6 says: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (NIV).
Do you really believe this verse? God says you can pray about everything. Nothing is too great for God’s power. Nothing is too insignificant for his care. Anything worth worrying about is worth praying about. If we prayed as much as we worried, we’d have a lot less to worry about! Give God your worries.
And when you talk to God about your needs, be specific. Otherwise, how will you know when he’s answered your prayers?
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Don't Let Bitterness Weaken Your Life
by Rick Warren
“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)
The biblical strongman Samson had one extraordinary weakness: his primary motivation in life was simply to get revenge. His life was full of resentment and anger and so he was always reacting violently to people.
We see this several times in Judges 15. In verse 3, Samson said (v. 3), “This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines.” Then, he says (v. 5), “Since you acted like this I won’t stop until I get my revenge on you.” Finally, in verse 11, he gives an excuse that is typical of a weak person (v. 11), “He answered, ‘I merely did to them what they did to me.’”
That was Samson's modus operandi: he was always reacting.
When you spend your entire life reacting to people instead of making your own choices, it will weaken your life.
“I merely did to them what they did to me.” Have you ever used that excuse?
When you think about it, resentment -- getting even -- is a waste.
- It's a waste of time. The whole time you're mad, the person you're upset toward is totally oblivious to it. Resentment always hurts you more than it does the other person.
- It's a waste of energy. You spend all that energy getting upset that you get depressed, fatigued, you run out of energy, and you're tired all the time. But worst of all …
- It’s a waste of creativity. Most of us, when we’re angry at somebody, we become extremely creative, thinking of ways to get back at that person.
When you look at Samson's life, you see a guy pretty creative at getting even. In Judges 15:3-5, "Samson said to them, `This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines. I will really harm them.' So he went out and caught 300 foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs. Then he fastened a torch to every pair of tails. He lit the torches and let the foxes loose standing in the grain of the Philistines and he burned up all the shocks and the standing grain together with the vineyards and olive groves."
That's pretty creative! But that creativity ultimately led to his captivity and death.
What's the lesson out of Samson's life? It’s better to control your anger and choose to act rather than react against everybody. Or as Proverbs 29:11 says "A fool gives full vent to his anger. But a man of understanding controls himself."
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Don't Let Carelessness Weaken Your Life
by Rick Warren
“She prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. So he told her everything …” Judges 16:16-17 NIV)
"Nobody ever plans to be a failure. It just comes on gradually until the point that one day we wake up and say, “What happened? This isn’t living for God.”"
The biblical strongman Samson was very careless with his commitments. He made a vow, saying “God, I'm going to live for You.” And to remind him of his vow to God, Samson promised to never cut his hair.
But problem is that Samson refused to take himself seriously or to take God seriously. He thought everything was a big game and so he toyed with temptation: “How close can I get to the fire and not get burned?”
We see this clearly in his relationship with Delilah (Judges16). She continually tempts Samson while asking him to tell her the secret of his great strength, And rather than fleeing temptation, Samson carelessly plays a game with Delilah, not once, but four times, and each time he compromises just a little bit more.
“How close can I get to the fire and not get burned?”
Because Samson was playing a game, he hardly noticed the step that took him from being close to the fire to actually being in the fire.
“Having put him to sleep on her lap, she called a man to shave off the seven braids of his hair … and so his strength left him. Then she called, `Samson, the Philistines are upon you.' He awoke from his sleep and thought `I'll go out as before and shake myself free.' But he did not know that the Lord had left him.” (Judges 16:19-20 NIV)
“He did not know the Lord had left him.” That is one of the most tragic statements in the Bible. He was unaware of what was happening; how his lifestyle was perpetually weakening him little by little. It was a gradual process. He had assumed he would always be strong.
Nobody ever plans to be a failure. It just comes on gradually. Nobody says, “I’m going to be a drug addict” or “I want to break up my marriage” or “I think I’ll destroy my health.” But it starts with one little thing and builds and builds until the point that one day we wake up and say, “What happened? This isn’t living for God.”
What's the lesson we can learn from Samson's life? Strong people keep their commitments. They guard their commitments. They don't play games with their commitments.
Consider this: Your life is only as strong as your weakest commitment.
What are you committed to? Are you committed to the Lord? Are you committed to a church? Are you committed to your family? That's where your strength comes from.
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With the release of Gary's new book Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, we the publisher would like to share with you some insightful excerpts from each chapter. These tidbits of wisdom have been gained over a lifetime of Gary's professional, as well as personal experience. We hope you enjoy this sneak peak into the book. Visit thingsiwishbook.com for more information, videos, and while your there go ahead and download chapter 1!
Chapter 1: Being in love is not adequate for building a successful marriage
"Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade. Research shows that the average lifespan of the 'in love' obsession is two years."
"If the obsessive nature of the in-love euphoria extended for the next 20 years, few of us would accomplish our educational and vocational potential. When we are in love, the rest of the world doesn't matter."
Chapter 2: Romantic love has two stages
"The second stage of romantic love is much more intentional than the first stage. And yes, it requires work to keep romantic love alive."
"Seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. Whatever makes us feel loved is what we do for the other person. But if it is not his/her language, it will not mean to them what it means to us."
Chapter 3: "Like mother like daughter" and "Like father like son" are not myths
"I encourage couples to have enough exposure to each other's parents to know their personalities, communication patterns, values, and especially how they relate to each other This model greatly influenced the person you are dating."
"If a girl's mother is alcoholic, we know that statistically she is more likely to become an alcoholic. However, she is not destined to alcoholism. If she takes positive action . . . she can break the alcoholic chain."
Chapter 4: How to solve disagreements without arguing
"Conflicts are not a sign that you have married the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human."
"The key, of course, is creating a friendly atmosphere by listening to and affirming each other's perspective rather than accusations of illogical thinking."
Chapter 5: Apologizing is a sign of strength
"After spending a lifetime counseling other couples, I am convinced that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness."
"What one person considers an apology is not what another person considers apology. Thus couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize."
Chapter 6: Forgiveness is not a feeling
"One evening, about six weeks after our wedding, Karolyn and I were engaged in a full-fledged argument. In the midst, she went to a closet, got her raincoat, slammed the front door and walked out into the pouring rain. My first thought was, "Why doesn't she stay and fight like a man?"
"When one of you speaks or behaves unkindly to the other, it calls for an apology and forgiveness if the relationship is to be restored."
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Great thread! Thanks for taking the time to post these.
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(Part 2)
With the release of Gary's new book Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, we the publisher would like to share with you part two of the insightful excerpts from each chapter. These tidbits of wisdom have been gained over a lifetime of Gary's professional, as well as personal experience. We hope you enjoy this sneak peak into the book. Visit thingsiwishbook.com for more information, videos, and while your there go ahead and download chapter 1!
Chapter 7: Toilets are not self-cleaning
"In the home in which I grew up, the toilet was never dirty. It never crossed my mind that someone was cleaning it."
"Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages."
Chapter 8: We needed a plan for handling our money
"We had very different ideas about what to purchase and when. With no plan in place, finances became what it becomes for many couples-a battlefield."
"The plan I share in the rest of this chapter is a simple one of money management that has helped thousands of couples avoid financial warfare."
Chapter 9: Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic
"I was fully male; she was fully female and we had a high level of sexual attraction for each other. What more could we need?"
"Communication is the key that unlocks sexual fulfillment. In a culture saturated with explicit sex talk, I am amazed at the couples who enter my counseling office who have never learned to talk about this part of their marriage."
Chapter 10: I was marrying into a family
"When you marry, you become part of an extended family. Your relationship may be distant or close, positive or negative, but you will have a relationship because you are marrying into a family."
"One of the first issues that will likely demand your attention is holidays. At the top of the list will be Christmas."
Chapter 11: Spirituality is not to be equated with "going to church"
" . . . mankind is incurably religious. There are no cultures that have not developed a system of beliefs about the non-material world. . . . these religious beliefs greatly influence the behavior of those who believe them."
"When couples contemplate marriage, religion needs to be near the top of the list in matters that need to be discussed."
Chapter 12: Personality profoundly influences behavior
"If Karolyn and I had known that I was a morning person and she was a night person, and if we had used our dating time to discuss this personality difference, we would have saved ourselves a lot of emotional pain."
"Few things will better prepare you for the inevitable conflicts in marriage like understanding each other's personality patterns."
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At our church, we just concluded a really good series on the Fruit of the Spirit called "God's Apps" (it's an iPhone joke). They are available as MP3s you can listen to; they're not a super-fancy production, just my pastor speaking into the mic.
Love (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100711.mp3)
Joy (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100718.mp3)
Peace (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100718.mp3)
Patience (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100808.mp3)
Kindness (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/1008015.mp3)
Goodness (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100822.mp3)
Faithfulness (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100829.mp3)
Gentleness (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100905.mp3)
Self-Control (http://newbergcc.org/dl.cfm?file=downloads/100912.mp3)
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Understand Your Anger by Rick Warren
"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." Psalm 4:4 (NIV)
We need to understand that there's a difference between sinful anger and legitimate anger; between appropriate anger and inappropriate anger; between helpful anger and hurtful anger.
Anger is not necessarily wrong. It's not always bad. What makes it different is why you got angry and what you do with those feelings.
Ask yourself, "What am I angry about? Why am I so upset?"
It's very important that you understand this: Anger is never the root problem. There is always a deeper issue. Anger is simply an emotional reaction to one of three primary emotions. If you want to understand your anger you've got to find out which of these three you are feeling, and maybe it's a combination of all three. It's important that you know this because it's much easier to deal with the roots than it is to deal with anger itself. When you get angry it's either because:
- You are hurt - either physically or emotionally.
- You are frustrated - Things don't seem to be turning out the way you want them to. When you're angered by frustration, ask yourself two questions: Would getting angry change the situation? Is it really worth being upset over?
- You fear something - you feel threatened or insecure.
When you focus on the real cause, it's easier to control your anger.
The fact is, you can't eliminate hurt and frustration and fear from your lives. They're inevitable. But you can learn to deal with these things without becoming upset. Anger is a choice. And when you get angry is because you've chosen to be angry.
You might be saying, "You don't understand. When I get angry, I can't control it." As Christians, we have Christ's power in us to help us learn to control our anger.
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Stop, Look, Listen by Rick Warren
"A fool gives vent to his anger but a wise man keeps himself under control." Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)
Why is it so important to keep our anger under control? Because uncontrolled anger can become a habitual way of responding to life. Pretty soon, your anger controls you instead of you controlling your anger.
The Book of Proverbs is filled with practical steps on how to control your anger. Let me share three. The easiest way to remember them is to remember a little phase that you may have learned as a child when you were taught to cross the street: Stop, Look, Listen.
- Stop. Stop and think before you speak. I don't know why it is but angry words always seem to come easily. I know some people who, when they get angry, are witty, sarcastic, quick! But a sharp tongue is the quickest way to cut your throat.
Proverbs 14:17 (NIV) says, "A quick tempered man does foolish things." And Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath but harsh words stir up anger." The starting point in dealing with anger is to stop and watch what you say. - Look. Look at the situation from God's point of view, not your point-of-view. That means be mature enough to overlook minor hurts, frustrations and insecurities. If somebody insults you, criticizes you, or puts you down, be mature enough to say, "It's not going to bother me." Proverbs 12:16 (NIV) says,"A man's wisdom gives him patience. It is his glory to overlook an offense."
Anger, like every other emotion, is caused by the way you see a situation. If you want to control your anger, one way to do it is to change your point-of-view. - Listen. Listen to the needs and hurts of those people that you're tempted to be angry against. Any angry person is just a hurting person. They're hurting inside, they're frustrated. When you listen to their needs, it's easier to respond and not get angry.
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James 1:19 NIV) If you do the first two, the third will come automatically. If you are quick to listen and slow to speak, it is going to be automatic that you are slow to become angry.
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Deal With Your Anger - Now! by Rick Warren
"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)
I believe today's verse should be taken literally. When you go to bed at night, make sure your conscious is clear and there's no disharmony.
Why? God knows how dangerous and destructive anger is to our bodies. The anger gets inside of you and starts to eat you up.
Have you ever heard anybody say, "That really burns me up!" They're speaking the truth. It literally does that. Scientists have proven that when a person gets angry there is a definite biochemical change in their body. When you get angry it attacks your adrenal glands and shoots out all kinds of things in your body. Your palms start sweating, your temperature is raised, your blood sugar increases, your heart beat elevates, you get nervous, you get primed for action.
All of this is pent up inside of you and God says, "Don't get that all built up in your life and then try to go to sleep with it. It will eat on you."
God is explaining this for your own good. When you hold on to your anger it has a damaging effect upon your health. You can't sleep. You get high blood pressure. You get depressed - you can get all kinds of different illnesses.
Anger is dangerous to our lives. It's dangerous to us physically. It's dangerous to us socially -- it ruins relationships, it destroys homes. It's dangerous to us spiritually -- it affects our relationship with God.
That's what Paul goes on to say in Ephesians 4:27, "And do not give the devil a foothold." (NIV) When you get angry, deal with it immediately, so the devil doesn't get a foothold in your life.
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Remember the Best, Forget the Rest by Rick Warren
"I thank my God every time I remember you." Philippians 1:3 (NIV)
What do you remember about people? The good experiences or the bad experiences? Paul said, "I like to remember the good things about people, focus on the good times we've had, remember the positive experiences."
When Paul said this he had not had an easy time in Philippi. Acts 16 tells us that when he went to Philippi he was illegally arrested, whipped, humiliated, and thrown into prison -- before finally being asked to leave town. Yet he says, "I thank God every time I remember you."
Paul could have dwelt on the negative. He could have remembered the painful memories. He chose not to remember the painful; instead, he focused on the things he could be grateful for.
Maybe you have been hurt in the past by a parent or a partner and you're still holding on to that hurt. As a result you can't enjoy being around them today. You're still focusing on the bad and the negative. Be grateful for the good in people. Pleasant memories are a choice. I can choose what I'm going to remember about the past.
I'm not saying that you deny the hurts you've had or that you excuse the weaknesses in other people. That is psychologically unhealthy. But focus on the good and choose to emphasize the strengths.
I hear wives say, "He's a good man, but ... ." Anytime you hear "but" it means the emphasis is on the negative not the positive. Be grateful for what you've got! Mr. Perfect does not exist! I've heard the same thing from husbands, but Mrs. Perfect does not exist!
If you want to enjoy others, you've got to focus on their strengths and not their weaknesses. With some people it takes a lot of creativity. But you can find something good in everybody.
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Love Says, "I'm Sorry." by Gary Chapman
Love means never having to say, "I'm sorry."
Did the movie Love Story get it right when it advised us that true love means never having to say, "I'm sorry?" I don't think so, for one simply reason - we are all human. And humans are not perfect. All of us end up hurting the persons we love most. Having a good marriage does not demand perfection, but it does require us to apologize when we fail.
When I say, "I'm sorry" I'm expressing regret that my words or behavior have brought pain to you. When is the last time you said, "I'm sorry," to your husband or wife? If it's been a while, then you probably owe them an apology. Love means always being willing to say, "I'm sorry."
There's more to an apology than saying "I'm sorry."
Perhaps you have said, "I'm sorry," but your spouse is finding it hard to forgive you. So you feel frustrated and are saying to yourself, "I apologized what else can I do?" If you really want to break down the barriers, ask your spouse this question: "What can I do to make this up to you? I know I hurt you and I feel badly about it, but I want to make it right. I feel like I want to do something to show you that I love you."
This is far more powerful than simply saying "I'm sorry." Here you are trying to make restitution. You are trying to demonstrate that you really care about your relationship. After all, what your spouse wants to know is "are you sincere in your apology?"
Why are you sorry?
When you apologize to your spouse, what do you say? For many the answer is: "I'm sorry." But do you tell them what you are sorry for? An apology has more impact when it's specific. "I'm sorry that I got home late. I know that you worked hard to be ready on time, and I show up 15 minutes late. I feel badly that I've made you wait. I hope you will forgive me and we can still have a good evening." This kind of apology communicates that you are aware that your behavior inconvenienced your spouse and that you feel badly about it.
Here's one that you should never use. "I'm sorry that you got hurt." That shifts the blame to your spouse. It says, "If you weren't so sensitive, everything would be all right." Far better to say, "I'm sorry that my behavior hurt you."
Wait.... who's to blame?
"I'm sorry, but if you had not provoked me, I would not have lost my temper." That is not an apology. It is blaming your spouse for your poor behavior. Sincere regret needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with "But..." One husband said, "Her apologies always come across as attacks on me. She says she's sorry, but then she turns around and blames me. To me that's not an apology."
How about you? When you say, "I'm sorry," do you use the word "but"? If so, then you're not apologizing. You are blaming. You are creating resentment inside your spouse. They have a hard time forgiving you because in their mind you are not apologizing. In the future, try eliminating the "buts".
Taking responsibility for your behavior
Sometimes we hurt people and don't realize it. It certainly was not intentional. Good marriages are fostered by expressing regret even when we didn't intend to hurt them. If you bump someone getting off an elevator, you probably say, "I'm sorry." Why would you not do this with your spouse? You may not realize that your behavior has upset your spouse, but when it becomes apparent, then you can say, "I'm sorry that my behavior caused you so much pain. I didn't intend to hurt you, but I know I did. I feel badly about it, and I hope you will forgive me."
Sincere apologies make it easier for your husband or wife to forgive you. You don't have to be perfect to have a good marriage. But you must deal with your failures. "I'm sorry" is a key ingredient to a loving marriage.
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It Takes Patience and Persistence to Reach a Goal by Rick Warren
"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will sure come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)
The seventh step to getting where God wants you to be is to be patient and persistent. Why? Because it's not going to happen overnight. The more important your goal is, the longer it's going to take; the more significant it is, the more discipline it's going to require.
Step #1 - Determine your present position
Step #2 - Be specific about what you want
Step #3 - Look for God's promise
Step #4 -- Ask God to help you
Step #5 -- Identify the barriers
Step #6 -- Create a step-by-step plan
Step # 7 -- Be patient and persistent
Nothing great is ever accomplished without persistence and patience because, in order to be successful, your dreams must translate into work. The people who succeed in life are the people who are willing to do what they don't feel like doing. They are not mastered by their moods, they are mastered by the Master, and they establish their goals and plans according to God's will.
Eliezer was a great example of patience and persistence. We saw his patience in choosing the right woman by making a detailed plan. He didn't make a snap judgment. He wasn't impulsive. The Bible says in Genesis 24:21 (NIV), "Without saying a word, [he] watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey succeed."
Later, after he got invited to Rebekah's house for dinner, the Bible says, "The food was set before him (Eliezer), but he said, 'I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say'" (Genesis 24:33 NIV). Now personally, I would have eaten first. But this guy was focused.
What's the point? If you are going to really reach your goals in life, sometimes you have to delay gratification. You have to do the tough thing instead of the fun thing, the right thing instead of the pleasurable thing.
And the reason that's so hard is because most of us don't want to delay gratification. That's why we're in debt. Our attitude is, "I want it and I want it now." And if we can't afford it, then we put it on our credit cards.
It's important for you to learn this lesson because any goal that's worth achieving is going to have obstacles in the way. You need to have a long-term view so, when difficulties come, you can persevere knowing that you are going to get past it.
I love today's verse. It's a great reminder that God's timing is perfect and ours is not. When you find yourself in God's waiting room, just be patient and persistent. A God-given vision will always be fulfilled.
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More thought provoking words and as always inspirational! Thanks for posting SS.
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My church is doing a series called Recalibrate; it's a study of the Beatitiudes. I've enjoyed all of the sermons so far (although I missed last week's by being home sick).
True Happiness? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/100926.mp3 (http://newbergcc.org/downloads/100926.mp3)
Poor? Really? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101003.mp3 (http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101003.mp3)
Comforted? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101010.mp3 (http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101010.mp3) (This one deals with mourning and was very moving. I'm sorry I missed it.)
Real Strength? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101017.mp3 (http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101017.mp3) (This one may not be up yet.)
NOTE: my pastor likes to make references to sporting teams; any offense caused by disrespect to your sports franchise of choice is unintended. :)
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Shortcuts are Always Short-sighted by Rick Warren
Noah did everything just as God commanded him. Genesis 6:22 (NIV)
One of the pitfalls you will face as you chase your dreams during this Decade of Destiny is the temptation to take shortcuts.
These are the detours that come in life that tempt you to try to cut corners as you run toward your goals but these shortcuts will only get you off track. These may be moral shortcuts, ethical shortcuts, spiritual shortcuts, financial shortcuts, even relational shortcuts, where you start skimming in your relationships.
Shortcuts are always short-sighted. They distract you from getting where you need to go and from what God wants you to do in your life.
When we look at the life of Noah, we see he doesn't try to cut corners. Noah did everything just as God commanded him.
The temptation to take shortcuts is present throughout scripture -
- Jesus was tempted by the devil to take a shortcut. The devil told Jesus to jump from the top of the temple and, when the angels caught him, it would prove to everyone he was the Son of God. And they would all worship him. But Jesus followed God's plan. Jesus was meant to die on the cross, not jump off a temple. God's plan was that Jesus would be glorified through suffering, not through showing off.
When you see a shortcut, it's usually a temptation to cut the corner financially, ethically or morally - just take a little shortcut. But you are also saying, 'God, I think I can reach my goal a whole lot quicker my way than your way.'
- Sarah had a promise from God that she would have a baby, but by the time she was 80-years-old, she decided to take a shortcut. She told Abraham to get her handmaid pregnant. 'That will be our baby'. But that wasn't God's plan at all. He provided Sarah with her own baby, and Sarah's shortcut led to problems that have lasted for generations. Shortcuts are always short-sighted.
Noah could have said, 'Lord, do we really need all of these animals? You know, why don't we just leave half the species here. The Sierra club will never know; Green Peace isn't around. We can just call the ones we leave extinct animals.'
But the Bible says, Noah did everything just as God commanded him. To reach the dreams God gives you, you must do things exactly as God tells you to do them.
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Holding On, Praying Expectantly by Rick Warren
God is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to him. 2 Chronicles 16:9a (MSG)
We've discussed cultural distractions, voices of doubt, and tempting shortcuts. The fourth pitfall you will face during your Decade of Destiny is discouraging delays.
The truth is, when God gives you a dream, there will be delays, difficulties, detours and dead ends along the way. These things are a natural part of life. But you can be ready for them.
The antidote to discouraging delays is to refuse to give up on the dream God gives you. As I said, a lot of people start out well, but they give up too quickly. They don't hope.
H-O-P-E: Holding On, Praying Expectantly.
Now if anybody had a right to be discouraged, it was Noah. Do you know how long it took Noah to build the arc? 120 years. Could you go 120 years on a project without one word of encouragement from anybody else in society? In fact, could you go 120 years with everybody ruthlessly ridiculing you and saying, "That guy is nuts. He thinks he hears from God."
Noah trusted God. And when he heard God's warning about the future, Noah believed him even though there was no sign of a flood. I bet there were many days that Noah didn't feel like going to work, but for 43,800 days, he went to the same place and he worked. He never gave up.
Now listen, the way you use the middle of your life has more influence on your end than the beginning. A lot of people think, 'Oh, I have to begin right or I won't end right.' No. It's what you do in the middle of your life -- when you don't give up even though you feel like it -- that determines the end.
You could have messed up a whole bunch in the beginning and you might be thinking, "I'm going to give up on a dream. I'm going to settle for second best." But if you hang on and refuse to give up, the rest of your life can be the best of your life. That's what Decade of Destiny is all about. The decisions that you make in the middle of your life will determine your end.
Don't give up on the dream. Don't give up on the marriage. Don't give up on your health. Don't, don't, don't give up. God is in control and the final chapter of your life, you haven't read yet. God's already written it, but you haven't read it yet.
The Bible says, "God is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to him." God is looking for people that he can bless. I want you to be one of those people in the next ten years.
Pray -- Jesus, I know that in the days ahead there will be times of discouragement. But I want to do exactly what you tell me to do and I want to refuse to give up when I feel like giving up. I want to hold onto the dream that you give me. I want to be one of the people that you can use and bless in the next ten years.
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My church is doing a series called Recalibrate; it's a study of the Beatitiudes. I've enjoyed all of the sermons so far (although I missed last week's by being home sick).
The next two in the series are up:
Full Meal Deal http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101024.mp3
Mercy! http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101031.mp3 (I really liked this one)
NOTE: my pastor likes to make references to sporting teams; any offense caused by disrespect to your sports franchise of choice is unintended. :)
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Wow, after over a year of posting to the Prayer Circle on another divorce support website, I was asked to stop reposting these emails.
So I guess the readers here will benefit from them from now on.
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My church is doing a series called Recalibrate; it's a study of the Beatitiudes.
The next two in the series are up:
Purity http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101107.mp3 (This is a guest speaker, not our regular pastor)
Peacemakers http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101114.mp3
NOTE: my pastor likes to make references to sporting teams; any offense caused by disrespect to your sports franchise of choice is unintended. :)
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Short but sweet: http://thisisindexed.com/2010/11/given-received/
(http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/card27411-380x219.jpg)
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SS,
Anything new in your situation?
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Not really; not since our conversation about paying (mutual) bills.
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My church is doing a series called Recalibrate; it's a study of the Beatitiudes.
The final sermon in the series is up:
Rejoice! http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101121.mp3
NOTE: my pastor likes to make references to sporting teams; any offense caused by disrespect to your sports franchise of choice is unintended. :)
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To Obey God, Let Go by Tom Holladay
Today's devotional is by Tom Holladay, teaching pastor at Saddleback Church.
When the wise men had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. "Get up," he said, "take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him." So he got up, took the child and his other during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod. Matthew 2:13-15 (NIV)
Joseph and Mary had to let a lot of things go because of their faith journey. They left everything they knew when they headed to Egypt. And in one sense, what they were sacrificing was their comfort at the deepest level.
It is often uncomfortable to trust God and follow his plan because we get comfortable with the wrong things. We get comfortable with our little habits and rituals, the things that get us stuck where we are instead of getting us to where God wants to grow us.
If you commit your health to God it will probably mean giving up some of your favorite foods. If you commit your finances to God it will probably mean cutting back on your spending.
It's uncomfortable to break a habit. It's uncomfortable to face a fear. It's uncomfortable to go somewhere you've never been before or forgive someone who has hurt you. But growth and change always come through doing those uncomfortable things and that's what's good in it.
But if we don't we would continue to hold on to something that makes us feel comfortable and end up turning our back on God who is the source of comfort.
The Bible says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the Father of compassion and God of all comfort" (2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV).
I invite you this Christmas, like never before, to recognize that God is the God of all comfort. And in those moments when you want to turn back to that old habit, that old way of thinking which pulls you off track, turn to God and say, "God, give me your comfort."
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Another short but sweet message: http://thisisindexed.com/2010/12/sociology/
(http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/card2760-380x231.jpg)
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I missed the first part of this series at my church, but here is the audio for the second in the Trust Builders series: "God Provides"
http://newbergcc.org/downloads/110123.mp3
The first part is here: "God Owns"
http://newbergcc.org/downloads/110116.mp3
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Worry Simply Doesn't Work
by Rick Warren
“Don’t worry about anything …” Philippians 4:6a (LB)
(Today’s devotional is by Tom Holladay, teaching pastor at Saddleback Church and author of ‘The Relationship Principles of Jesus.’)
This is the time of year when reality hits. It’s a month into the New Year and you had all these goals for change in your health, your job, your relationships, and so far things look the same as they did in December.
If this is where you are today, if you have real problems and things aren’t working out the way you would like, you have a choice to make. You can either worry and wonder if it’s all going to fall apart, or you can choose to have faith and trust God.
We all struggle with worry in different ways. Some people sweat, some people yell, some people get really quiet. Do you tend to dwell on problems? Do you feel insecure about the future? Do you feel out of touch with God? Do you have physical symptoms of headaches, backaches, or a nervous stomach? Do you find it hard to accept defeat? Do you feel burned out? Do you find loose ends difficult? Do you constantly rehash events? These are all signs of worry and anxiety.
We like to think that worry works for us. It reminds us what needs to get done or it motivates us to get to the next step. But the truth of the matter is this: worry works on us; it doesn’t work for us. It will steal life and create relational difficulties. Until we get something that works better than worry, we are going to keep worrying.
How do you let go of anxiety? This week I want to look at the story in Matthew 8 where Jesus addresses the issue of anxiety and how to deal with it. And we’ll see how to address reality with faith.
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A new series of sermons at my local church: "Game Changers"
Part One:
http://newbergcc.org/downloads/110206.mp3
Part Two:
http://newbergcc.org/downloads/110213.mp3
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And here is the previous set of sermons, "Trust Builders". (I was out of town for the first two sermons in this series.)
God Owns
http://newbergcc.org/downloads/110116.mp3
God Provides
http://newbergcc.org/downloads/110123.mp3
God Supplies
http://newbergcc.org/downloads/110130.mp3
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Some good recent blog posts from Gary Chapman:
"Love Our Enemies"
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2011/03/love-our-enemies/
"Love is Patient"
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2011/03/love-is-patient/
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Another good blog post:
"Integrity Reborn"
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2011/03/integrity-reborn/
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Michele Weiner-Davis posts brief relationship advice on Twitter and Facebook. Here's one from today that I particularly liked:
Wise people don't allow negative feelings or the absence of loving feelings to make them question their commitment to their spouses.
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Uncertain of the Next Step, but Certain of God
by Jon Walker
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3 (NIV)
When my oldest son first started playing baseball, he was still relatively young and not used to a life lived around clocks and calendars. So it wasn't uncommon for him to ask, "Is my game today?" "How many days until Saturday?"
Jesus says this childlike nature is necessary to enter the kingdom of heaven. My son wasn't questioning if something would happen; in fact, he was confident that it would. But he was dependent upon my wife or me to tell him when it would happen. ?
Oswald Chambers, in My Utmost for His Highest, says, "The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty." He says we can be certain of God, even if we are uncertain of the next step he wants us to take. We can be certain of God's plan for us, even if we are uncertain of the specific details. Even though we're uncertain, we can be confident God will not disappoint us (Romans 5:5).
This also means we can release the things we have no responsibility for and stop worrying about them. For instance, my son could be certain I would get him to the ball game, but he didn't have to be concerned with how much gas it would require or how to get to the baseball field. He could just enjoy being a child and live in each moment, trusting that I was handling the details and that I would let him know when was time to go.
This is the childlike faith Jesus wants us to develop, where we grow confident each day that he will come through at just the right time and in just the right way.
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I really needed to hear this message today. Thank you SS. I am having problems with accepting God's timing and I feel so lonely sometimes.
Psalm 71:12 Do not be far from me, my God; come quickly, God, to help me.
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I agree.....great messages!
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When You Are Rejected, Choose to Forgive
by Tom Holladay
“You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
It’s tough being rejected, especially when it is by someone you love. It might be one of your kids, your spouse, or a close friend. But the Bible says you need to forgive that person because God forgave you.
The key to being able to forgive somebody is in today’s verse. It’s the word “remember”. When you remember what Jesus Christ did for you, then you have the power to forgive somebody else.
If you hold on to the hurt, it will only end up hurting you. When you don’t forgive others, it creates bitterness and anger in you. It will eat you up on the inside and drain you of your energy, leaving you tired all the time.
Every time you start to feel bitterness towards someone, remember Jesus on the cross, how he loved you enough to give his life so your sins can be forgiven. He was rejected and insulted as he hung there, but he looked at everyone and prayed, “Father, forgive them. They do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV).
In complete meekness and humility, Jesus gave his life because he loves you. He wasn’t thinking of himself; he was thinking of you. Peter says, “They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things straight” (1 Peter 2:23 MSG).
The definition of forgiveness is found in two words in that verse: “let God.” You let God set things right. Forgiveness is not about trusting the person again or forgetting everything that happened. It’s about putting the situation in God’s hands instead of seeking revenge or holding a grudge.
As you read this, someone might be coming to mind. Don’t wait. Take a moment right now to pray this prayer: “God, I am giving you this hurt right now. I am letting it go to you. You’re in charge. Enable me to forgive the person who hurt me.”
This probably won’t be the last time you pray that prayer. If it’s a deep hurt, you might have to pray that 70 times a day as you struggle with it. But keep doing it, and then maybe next week you’ll only have to pray that prayer 30 times a day, and maybe only 10 times the week after that. And eventually, there will come a time when you realize that you haven’t thought about the hurt for several months. That’s how you let go and let God.
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Awesome stuff, StillStanding. Two key Biblical messages are forgiveness and reconciliation.
Thanks for these messages.
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Those spoke to me as well, SS. Particularly the prayer on asking God to enable us to forgive those who hurt us.
x
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StillStanding,
I read the message yesterday and reflected on it. Today, when I was at church, I actually relayed it to a hurting friend! Thanks!!
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This is a set of two articles that I got while I was away.
What Forgiveness Is...
The only healthy response to an apology is forgiveness.
But what does it mean to forgive?
Forgiveness presupposes that a wrong has been committed. When one person in a relationship speaks or behaves unkindly to the other, it calls for an apology from one party and forgiveness from the other if the relationship is going to be restored. Whether the offense is major or minor, this process is always the same.
When someone is offended, the passing of time won’t remove the barrier. Barriers are removed by sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness. God provides the ultimate example of forgiveness. When He forgives, He pardons us and will never again hold that failure against us. And we are instructed to forgive in the same way.
Thus, forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.
While forgiveness will remove the barrier and reopen the possibility for the relationship to grow, there are things that forgiveness will not do.
We’ll talk about that next.
What Forgiveness Isn't...
Forgiveness isn’t an instant cure.
While forgiveness will remove the barrier that hurt or betrayal has created, there are misconceptions about the feelings and results that come after the decision to forgive.
First, forgiveness does not destroy our memory. We’ve heard the phrase “forgive and forget,” but most of the time, that’s just not humanly possible. The human brain records every experience, good and bad. A memory of the event simply means that you are human and remembering a painful experience.
Second, forgiveness does not remove the consequences of the wrong behavior. All of our behavior has consequences, and forgiveness does not change that.
Third, forgiveness does not rebuild trust. When trust is destroyed in a relationship, it can only be rebuilt by a change in behavior over a period of time.
Fourth, forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation. While the possibility of reconciliation is fostered by forgiveness, reconciling a relationship requires time, conflict resolution, and teamwork.
Forgiveness may not be an easy fix for a relationship, but it is certainly the first step to healing.
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StillStanding
Thank you so much for continuing to post these. They are always timely and great reminders for us in order to help our healing process. I ALWAYS get comfort when I read them.
The consistent thought which comes up for me is "what would Jesus do?" The answer is ALWAYS the same:
He would forgive as his already did.
Even if a person is not religious IMHO, spiritually the answer would still be the same. my .02 :)
TS
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Here's a quick one from Michele Weiner-Davis:
Lack of forgiveness imprisons you.
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Don't Understand? Trust God
by Rick Warren
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, or relational—but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way.
It will become more understandable as you head down the path he sets before you, but understanding is not a requirement for you to start down the path. Proverbs 4:18 says, “The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day.” (NIV) One day you will stand in the full light of eternity and view the big picture. You’ll see God’s purpose behind the path he specifically chose for you.
In the meantime, do what Proverbs 3 says: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Be patient. God knows what He’s doing. God knows what is best for you. He can see the end result. You can’t. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays—all the things that make you ask “why”—one day will all be clear in the light of God’s love.
But for now, we’re learning to trust God.
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A short tweet from Michele Weiner-Davis:
Our lives are shaped less by what actually happens to us then by the meaning we ascribe to these events.
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You're Not Alone
by Jon Walker
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith …” Hebrews 12:1 (NLT)
What do you do when you feel like giving up? Everyone has that moment where they’ve been struggling with something – maybe a health issue, a broken relationship, financial problems, or depression – and they start to wonder if they have the strength to keep going because they just can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
If you find yourself at that point today, I want to share some encouragement with you from Hebrews 12 and give you a powerful reason to keep on keeping on.
Hebrews 11 is the “faith chapter” that tells us about great people of the faith – Abraham, Moses, David and many others. They’re stories are sources of encouragement in and of themselves. But a phrase that starts off the first verse of the next chapter is what I want to focus on. Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith …”
What Paul is saying is that you don’t want to give up because heaven is watching and cheering for you. That’s encouraging news!
You have an audience. Nothing you do is private. Nothing you have ever done has been hidden from heaven. God sees it all. As Job says, “He sees everything I do, and every step I take” (Job 31:4 LB). And Jesus tells us, “Every hair on your head has been counted” (Luke 12:7 GW). God knows every detail of your life. He watches every breath you take; there are no secrets in your life.
And it’s not just God who’s watching. Abraham, Jacob, Moses and all the other saints are there as well.
How is this encouraging? When you start to get discouraged, remember that people who have gone through much worse circumstances than you are watching to see how well you’re enduring.
When you feel like giving up, remember that people are watching you and offering you encouragement through their life stories of faith.
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A quick one from Michele Weiner-Davis:
If talking about things has gotten you nowhere fast, stop talking and start acting.
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Ohh I like that... I need to do that...l
You know I was watching the church channel the other night... in revealations 17 it say.. the angel said She is an adulterss, fornacation, and rides the beast....
there was more to it but I was like omg, are these ow/om being lead by Satan himself, sucking, twisting the morals, vaules of our beloved spouse... The church channel referred to her as the anitchrist.. Ummm.... just caught my attention on that one.
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Another one from MWD:
It's crucial to remember that no matter what you are feeling, you have a choice as to how you respond.
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I love this thread! Thanks SS!
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This is taken from a remembrance of Amy Winehouse written by Russell Brand, but I think this part will resonate with LBSes...
http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/
When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they’ve had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone.
(emphasis mine) Frustratingly it’s not a call you can ever make it must be received. It is impossible to intervene.
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Risk Your Life and Get More Than Your Dreams
by Jon Walker
Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of. Play it safe and end up holding the bag. Luke 19:26 (MSG)
Jesus once told the story of a master who asked three servants to handle his money while he was away. He gave each of them a sum of money, and when he returned, the first servant told the master he’d doubled the money through investments, and the second said he’d made fifty percent profit for the master.
But the third servant, in essence, said he’d been afraid the master would punish him for making mistakes so he hid the money in the cellar until the master returned.
The master rewarded the first two servants, saying those who handle small matters well will be given greater responsibility. But he rebuked the third servant, saying, “Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of. Play it safe and end up holding the bag” (Luke 19:26 MSG).
We move forward in faith when we take risks, not just any kind of risk, but ones that are specifically directed by God. These God-nudges push us beyond living life by sight so that we will live life by faith.
As Pastor Rick teaches, when we do not live by faith, we live faithlessly. Any decision independent of God is a faithless decision. Jesus expressed his faith when he said: “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does” (John 5:19 NIV).
(Jon Walker is managing editor of the Daily Hope devotionals and author of Costly Grace (http://amzn.to/hnalx6).)
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This sounds familiar...
Relationships are like see-saws: the more 1 person does something, the less the other 1 will do. If you're a fix-it addict, try backing off.
http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/101355900807290880
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Stillstanding
Hope you don't mind.....got this message and thought your this thread would be an appropriate place for it.
Pastor Rick Warren said, "God wants to turn your test into a testimony; your mess into a message."
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I don't mind at all. :) I started this thread because I wanted a place to post these kinds of things without them getting lost in my threads. I don't mind the occasional hijack.
http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1221
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A little humor for a Sunday evening...
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2011/8/28/how-to-discuss-a-decision-with-which-you-do-not-agree.html
(http://basicinstructions.squarespace.com/storage/2011-08-28-baddis.gif?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1314536625996)
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Thank you for this thread StillStanding. It really helps to strengthen me when I need it most.
STC
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Aw, just for that you guys gets a bonus...
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2011/8/25/how-to-improve-yourself.html
(http://basicinstructions.squarespace.com/storage/2011-08-25-improve.gif?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1314314446284)
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Hello all,
This has just popped up into my e-mail Inbox and I thought I'd share it with everyone here - i really enjoyed it,
http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/popup-frame.html
P
x
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This is the understatement of the year:
http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/111085011083591680
It's natural for you to take your husband's / wife's mid-life crisis personally. Don't. It is likely being triggered by something else.
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Another good MLC-related tweet:
http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/111154221851754496
Don't debate your spouse over the legitimacy of their feelings during their mid-life crisis. This often results in even more polarization.
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And the final one in the series:
http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/111207063727771649
Have faith that your spouse will get through his/her mid-life crisis. It may be hard, but act as if life will go back to normal soon.
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For some more humor...
http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2011/9/6/how-to-embrace-change.html
(http://basicinstructions.net/storage/2011-09-06-change.gif)
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http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/113660794192932865
For those of who are "fix it addicts" in your relationship, it's possible that you are making matters worse. Next time, do nothing.
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http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/114371691685216257
Although VERY difficult, your marriage is more likely to survive during an affair if you give your spouse space.
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I can't find these on this site; I know I've posted them on another site.
The pastor at my local church did a series on the story of Job. This isn't a slick, professional production; they're basically just a recording taken off of the sound board.
Part one: When Life Falls Apart
http://newbergcc.org/content.cfm?id=213&content_id=64
Part two: When Pain is Prolonged
http://newbergcc.org/content.cfm?id=213&content_id=65
Part three: When God Shows Up
http://newbergcc.org/content.cfm?id=213&content_id=66
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http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/124176377594388481
Women have a tendency to TELL their husbands what changes they want in their marriage. Remember ladies, actions speak louder than words.
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http://www.facebook.com/5LoveLanguages/posts/10150347359604627
Gary Chapman
Only when I feed my negative emotions with meditation and actions do I become guilty of error.
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From our wonderful hostess:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_choose-joy_positive-mental-attitude_be-infectious.html
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This is so sweet, it's almost unbelievable.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44960859/ns/us_news-life/#.Tp8Lx3EtiUZ
An Iowa couple who was married for 72 years died one hour apart last week in the hospital as they held hands.
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https://twitter.com/#!/DivorceBusting/statuses/126735643052224512
Act as if: do all the things you would do if you were convinced of a positive outcome. Then watch the results.
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http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/128548842365923329
You can focus on what's missing in your life and be miserable or you can focus on what you have and feel blessed.
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This is so true...once able to live your life doing this, things start to become so much better!!!
hugs,
L
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Michele Weiner-Davis has an article on her website on how she came to become a "Divorce Buster":
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_hopefully_ever_after.htm
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_he_must_be_teething.htm
He Must Be Teething
By Michele Weiner-Davis
Anyone who has had small children knows that when they are incredibly cranky or crabby, they make us miserable too. But as parents, we try hard to be understanding. We explain away their testiness by telling ourselves, "He must be sleepy. He probably needs a nap," or "Maybe she's hungry," or "He must be teething." These explanations thwart any possible hostility or anger while eliciting our utmost compassion.
But then there are our partners. When our mates are cranky or crabby, do we assume their motivations to be benign? Do we tell ourselves, "He must be sleepy," or "She must be hungry"? Heavens, no! We assume the worst! We nail them! We convince ourselves that they are undoubtedly out to spite us at every turn. When our partner arrives late for dinner, do we tell ourselves, "He must have gotten caught in traffic," or "Poor thing, his boss probably detained him after the meeting," or "I'm sure there must be a good reason he's late"? Hardly. We think, "He never takes my feelings into account," or "Why does he have to be so insensitive?" "That's it, I'm never making dinner for him again."
Now, the problem with these negative perceptions is that they greatly influence how we feel, how we treat our partners, and how they treat us as a result. For example, I know a woman who, because of several failed relationships in the past, needed more than the average dose of daily affection from her husband. If, on any particular day, he failed to profess his love to her, hug her and rub her back, and share his feelings openly, she assumed something was wrong. She told herself, "He's probably mad at me, " or "Maybe he's not in love with me anymore," or "I'm obviously not important to him." Each time she had one of those negative thoughts, she clammed up. She went into a shell. If he talked to her, she was short with him. It wasn't long before he started to feel something was wrong because she was so moody. Rather than confront her directly, he withdrew even more. The distance between them grew.
Hearing her story, I couldn't help but think that she was misreadiing his behavior. I asked her, "If you felt completely confident that he loved you and wanted to be with you forever, how do you think you'd handle the 'off days' differently?" She replied, "That's easy. I would relax. If he were preoccupied or inattentive, I would just assume he had a lot on his mind, and I would go about my business and be cheery around him."
I suggested she try an experiment. "Rather than think the worst," I told her, "assume he just has a lot on his mind when he is quiet or inattentive." She agreed to give it a whirl. Several weeks later she returned telling me that their relationship had improved dramatically. On one occasion when he had been somewhat distant, she told herself, "He must be preoccupied with a project at work. I know how important it is to him to do well on this project and I'm proud of him." Instead of feeling insecure, as she had in the past, she remained upbeat and made his favorite snack to ease his burden. He so much appreciated her kind gesture that he stopped what he was doing to give her a hug and tell her how much he appreciates her.
If we give our partners the benefit of the doubt, we treat them lovingly and respectfully. If, on the other hand, we assume the worst about our partner's actions or intentions, we behave in self-defeating ways. We turn inward. We get mad. We become suspicious. We declare war. Approaching one's mate with boxing gloves is not likely to bring out the best in him or her.
The moral of the story is simple. When you feel angry, hurt or disappointed by your partner, stop a moment. Ask yourself, "Is it even remotely possible that I am jumping to conclusions?" "Is there another, somewhat more benevolent way to look at my partner's actions?" If so, give your loved one the benefit of the doubt. After all, s/he might be teething.
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Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions.
Even after all this time,
the sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.
Now
That
All your worry
Has proved such an
Unlucrative
Business,
Why
Not
Find a better
Job.
The moon asked me to meet her in a field tonight. I think she has amorous ideas.
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.
—Hafez (Hafiz), 14th Century Iranian poet
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http://praisehouston.com/relationships/nzinga/meet-the-longest-married-couple-in-the-world/
Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher have an extraordinary story to tell. They’ve been married for 86 years. Together, they endured the Great Depression, World War II, the Korean War, Cuban Missile Crisis and Vietnam, they have seen the impact of the Civil Rights Movement,watched man land on the moon, the dropping of the atomic bomb, lived through the terms of 15 presidents and still live to tell about it. But there are many centenarians for whom the same holds true so what makes Herbert and Zelmyra so extraordinary? Throughout everything, they have remained married.
Married on May 13, 1924, 105-year old Herbert, and 103-year-old Zelmyra do not pretend to know any secrets to a lasting marriage. They have been married longer than any known living couple, had five children and have watched countless grandchildren and great-grandchildren come into the world. They are a sweet, aging pair that will tell you truthfully that they were married because Zelmyra “did not give [Herbert] any trouble” and Herbert “was not much to look at… [but] he was quiet and kind.” After 86 years, they remain in the home where they raised their five children, sleep in different bedrooms and love each other all the same. They hold the world record for length of marriage for two living persons. Is your union built to last the test of time?
Marriage Advice:
Question: You got married very young – how did u both manage to grow as individuals yet not grow apart as a couple?
Answer: Everyone who plants a seed & harvests the crop celebrates together. We are individuals, but accomplish more together.
Question: At the end of bad relationship day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?
Answer: Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win.
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Stop what you are doing and watch these videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY&feature=related
Then think about whether or not you can muster the strength, courage, and compassion make it through your situation.
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Some self-focus/Standing motivation:
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2ssW4MGf29A/Trlhz_oQxlI/AAAAAAAAA1I/T6ZJdUTl06w/s1600/468519736_5UK05xAh_c.jpg)
(Source: http://www.trainwithmandy.com/2011/11/words.html)
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Love it!
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The Bible Says Love Is a Choice
by Rick Warren
“That you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.” (Deuteronomy 30:20 NIV)
Today we’ve bought into this myth that love is uncontrollable, that it’s something that just happens to us. In fact, even the language we use implies the uncontrollability of love. We say, “I fell in love,” as if love is some kind of a ditch. It’s like I’m walking along one day and — bam! — I fell in love. I couldn’t help myself.
But I have to tell you the truth: That’s not love. Love doesn’t just happen to you. Love is a choice, and it represents a commitment.
You must choose to love God; he won’t force you to love him (Deuteronomy 30:20). You can thumb your nose at God and go a totally different way. You can destroy your life if you choose to do that. God still won’t force you to love him because he knows love can’t be forced.
This same principle is true about your relationships: You can choose to love others, but God won’t force you to love anyone.
During the Christmas season, we gather to celebrate with family and friends. It is often a joyous time. But I’ve been a pastor for more than 30 years, so I know it can also be a time of tension and heartache.
Is there someone you might have trouble loving this Christmas season — someone in your family, a friend, or a neighbor? God will help you love that person if you make the choice to do so.
That doesn’t mean everything will become perfect; it doesn’t even mean that person will accept your love. But you are the only person who can stop you from loving someone else — because love is a choice you make.
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Discouraged? Don't Give Up
by Rick Warren
“Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn't find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, ‘Friend, I forgive your sins.’” (Luke 5:18-20 MSG)
Here is the fourth of seven ways a small group can reach people for Jesus this Christmas season:
Your small group must overcome difficulties.
When the four friends saw the path to Jesus blocked, they had every reason to feel discouraged, but they didn’t give up. They looked for another way to bring the man to Jesus.
Everybody gets discouraged at times, even and sometimes especially during the Christmas season. But in order to share Jesus with our friends, we must persist through those difficulties. I remember a small group at Saddleback who prayed for a lost friend for two years before that person made a commitment to Jesus. I know that man is glad the small group didn’t give up after a year and a half of prayer.
Jesus told a parable about seeds falling to the ground. Some of the seeds never developed deep roots, so they fell away once they encountered problems (Matthew 13:21). But Jesus wants us to deepen our faith in him so we can “produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted!” (Matthew 13:23b NLT)
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Thought I would share this here....from Charlnecares daily emails..
Be Blessed everyday! ((hugs)) Syn
Will you have compassion and love for your husband, wife or child when they call or knock on your door, asking if they can come home? Are you waiting, expecting the Lord to bring your beloved husband/wife or child home, suddenly as in the Prodigal Son story?
Are you ready for your spouse to come home suddenly through Christmas or the New Year holidays? Yes, I am asking if you are really ready for your spouse to call you and say,"I am sorry, will you forgive me? I want to come home." Another telephone call may say, "Will you come back home? I have forgiven you. Now let's start working on our marriage." What a day to remember! You may not see or hear the words today, but I believe the Lord is moving on thousands of spouses' hearts to make a commitment to, "Go Home now!" Are you praying for that every day? Are you praying for other marriages?
Are you ready? Are your closets and drawers ready for your beloved spouse? Are you keeping your house ready for a special family member to come over? I know you may be battling depression or fatigue, but will you just get up and start expecting something exciting to happen? Every day will you thank and praise the Lord in advance for what He is going to be doing for all marriages around the world for the next two to three weeks?
How are you doing with blessing the ones that are insulting you, persecuting you or falsely saying all kinds of evil about you? Do you want to retaliate or get even? What would Jesus do? What does the Lord teach us in Romans 12? Look it up and read it.
Are you angry with your spouse's behavior, words and actions? What is God saying to you about your spouse? Ask Him and then listen for His soft answer. The enemy is using your spouse to push your buttons. May you choose to erase your spouse's wrongs daily. Yes, forgive your spouse daily. Do not allow your unforgiveness to turn into anger and bitterness. Instead, choose to pray a scripture with your and your spouse's name in them every time something happens, then the enemy will decide to leave you both alone. You will accomplish much more in the Heavenlies. Remember, zip your lips, but let the Lord speak to your husband/wife. Let the Lord take revenge and deal with them. The Lord is the only One in the heart-changing business. Remember, let unconditional love radiate in your heart and memorize this scripture:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-
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https://twitter.com/#!/DivorceBusting/statuses/150260665041428481
DO NOT debate with the spouse going through a midlife-crisis about the validity of their feelings. This will push him/her out the door.
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/new-years-resolutions-for-a-rocky-marriage/
When your marriage is on the rocks, you start to wonder how relationship goals that require two people’s active participation apply to you. You read articles about setting goals for the new year and you feel downtrodden and left out. In fact, even thinking about the new year can be emotional for you. After all, this is the time we think about starting new things, not ending them.
But don’t despair. Here at the Divorce Busting Center, I’ve developed a method that truly helps individuals to improve relationships single-handedly. It also is designed to help you feel better so that you can apply principles that work instead of giving up. That’s why I decided to write Ten New Year’s Resolutions for Divorce Busters, those people who don’t have the luxury of their partner’s support. Here are ten goals that you can accomplish yourself in 2012.
1. Envision positive outcomes
There is no way that you can begin to accomplish positive change your marriage if you don’t believe it is possible. Start by imagining what your life will be like when your marriage truly turns a corner. The more you can picture every detail, the easier it will be to eventually step into this picture at some later date.
2. Act as if you expect miracles to occur
Once you can imagine positive outcomes, reflect on how you will be behaving differently when they happen. Then start doing that right now!
3. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn’t deserve it
You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse’s choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused. Be patient, kind and steady and your efforts will pay off.
4. Focus on small, positive changes
Don’t expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that.
5. Promise yourself this will be a great year, no matter what
You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children , if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to make this a good year regardless of your spouse’s choices.
6. Exercise your worry away
The most popular New Year’s Resolution is to join a health club and exercise to become more fit. That is well and good. For you, exercise will be a lifesaver. It will help to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. Go for it!
7. Do one new thing you enjoy
Don’t become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.
8. Make sure you have quality time with your children or other loved ones. Be present.
Many times, when people are teetering on the brink of divorce, their pain makes them become self-absorbed and staying the moment becomes and challenging task. You will never be able to do your children’s childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you’re with them.
9. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it’s how rapidly you get back on track. If you’ve veered from the Divorce Busting plan, hop right back on track without self-recrimination.
10. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. On a regular basis, do whatever it takes to bring you back to yourself. You and everyone around will benefit from your peacefulness.
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http://thisisindexed.com/2012/01/just-wanted-to-know-if-youre-you-okay/
(http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/card30651-380x230.jpg)
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Soul-Talk: Are You Drinking Your Own Poison?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/soul-talk_b_1255705.html
Are you slowly dying in your own self-made poisonous rut of upset and resentment and calling it life instead? Are you drinking the poison of continuous upset hoping the other person will change? I'm pretty sure all of us have blamed someone else for our own upset and then stewed in that poisonous brew for days on end. You have, haven't you? I know I sure have.
Last week, we spent a little time on that wonderful blame-oriented toxic voice of "I'm upset because... " The truth of the matter is that while someone else may have done something you found offensive, nonetheless, you are the one who authors your own experience of being upset. In order to become upset in the first place, you have to tell yourself something negative about the other person, the situation or what happened, and you probably had to cast it in some form of "that's not fair" or "that's not right." Of course it's not fair -- it's life. However, the longer you persist in running the negative Self-Talk mantra of "I'm upset because..." coupled with "it's not fair," the longer you wind up stewing in your own poison.
Haven't you ever noticed that someone else can experience the identical situation that you found upsetting and the other person simply let it go and moved on? If this is even remotely familiar, then you might want to ask yourself what you hope to gain by remaining upset long after the event has slipped into the past. The really crazy thing about upset and resentment is that the more often you go to that well, the more familiar it becomes. And the more familiar you become with upset and resentment, the more you may begin to equate life with being upset. Sooner or later, upset and resentment can become the new normal.
More at the link...
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I haven't had one of these in a while...
Anger: Handle with Care
by Gary Chapman
Do find yourself over-reacting to little irritations? Your spouse forgot the milk. Your child tracked mud on the new carpet, and you explode. There is a good chance that you are suffering from stored anger. Anger that has been living inside of you for years. Your parents hurt you with harsh words or severe punishment. Your peers made fun of you as a teenager. Your boss treated you unfairly.
You've held all of these hurts inside and now your stored anger is showing up in your behavior. The bible says, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger." In my book entitled Anger, I talk about getting rid of stored anger in more detail, but here's a few helpful insights that could help you handle this powerful emotion.
Discover the Symptoms
One of the common problems I encounter in the counseling office is people who are eaten up with anger. They have been deeply hurt by others. In an effort to be good Christians, they have held their anger inside. They didn't want to explode or be unkind, so they said nothing. Anger held inside leads to bitterness, hatred, and often depression.
Many people have no idea why they are cranky, critical, and condemning. They make life hard on others and hard on themselves. Almost always, these people are filled with anger. Everything they encounter seems wrong. They read into the present what has happened to them in the past. They were hurt by parents, siblings, and others. The hurt turned to anger and the anger to a critical attitude.
Release it to God
If you have internalized your anger for a long time, it's time to release it to God. Tell God how much you have been hurt. Then, release the person and your anger to God. He is a just and loving God. If the person repents, God will forgive. If they do not, God will punish them. When you release people to God, you put them in good hands.
Confront in Love
When we are mistreated we need to lovingly confront the person who hurt us and seek reconciliation. Don't sit around the rest of your life letting anger control your life. Make one more effort in seeking reconciliation. The first step in getting rid of anger is to make a list of all the people who have hurt you through the years and then release these people and your anger to God. Then, go to the person and tell them that you would like to 'make things right'.
Live Free
If someone is open when you lovingly confront them, they will confess their wrong and you can forgive. If they are not, then ask God if there is anything else you need to do such as 'return good for evil'. Whatever He brings to mind, do it. Then give that person and your hurt and anger to God. Pray for them, but don't allow their behavior to control your life. God wants you to be free to follow Him.
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(http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrxhxfzwPE1r3ap4no1_500.jpg)
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https://twitter.com/#!/DivorceBusting/statuses/175943685169610753
If you start sentences with "If he would only," or "I just wish she would," you're not accepting life as it is. That spells disappointment.
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http://thisisindexed.com/2012/03/the-happiest-medium/
(http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/card3104.jpg)
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https://twitter.com/#!/DivorceBusting/statuses/179191282193805313
Relationships are the one place where one half and one half do not equal a whole. You have to be whole yourself if love is to work.
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http://www.facebook.com/DivorceBusting/posts/10150637979328821
Marriage was never supposed to fulfill all your needs.
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http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/180023028363698176
Wise people don't allow negative feelings or the absence of loving feelings to make them question their commitment to their spouses.
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http://www.momlifetoday.com/2011/05/making-comparisons/
Making Comparisons
by Shaunti Feldhahn
“Never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle”
After 18 months of intensive work, my eight-year-old son earned his blue belt in karate. For a young wiggly boy who has difficulty maintaining the concentration (and stillness!) required by his Sensei, this was a huge accomplishment. He proudly put on his blue belt and moved up to a completely different class level. And then something unusual happened. He began wanting to avoid karate class. And then he shocked me with this announcement: “Maybe I should stop karate and do something else.”
Finally, last night, he told me what was wrong: he didn’t know the new skills. “The boys in the class all know the new hokei so well. I don’t know what I’m doing.” Having spent the last ten years translating all the unspoken things that men and boys are feeling inside, I heard what was underneath the surface: Everyone is doing better than I, and I can’t keep up. I’m embarrassed … I feel inadequate. And since feeling inadequate is by far the most painful feeling for a male, a guy may instinctively prefer to check out rather than risk feeling this way any longer.
But of course, this type of discouragement is not limited to men. How many times have I compared myself or my success to someone else’s — and felt privately jealous or like I am found wanting? How many times have you? Not long ago, many years of work and intense personal dedication culminated in my releasing a new venture and a new book in a new arena. With great hopes, I released it … and watched as it quietly deflated. Depressed, I watched others in the same arena expand their reach by leaps and bounds. What was wrong with what I did? Was I not cut out for this?
Sigh. Maybe I should stop going this direction and do something else.
Hm … sounds familiar. …
This morning, my friend and assistant Julie forwarded me a blog post she had read by Jon Acuff (http://michaelhyatt.com/avoiding-one-great-temptation-every-new-dream-faces.html) talking about this exact dynamic — and it floored me. Acuff is an accomplished author and loves speaking on stage, but one day in the unfamiliar format of radio on an interview with a supremely accomplished radio host, he was feeling inadequate. The producer told him to remember that this host had been perfecting his skills in radio for 17 years.
Acuff said he realized a very important truth. “Never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.”
I read those words and realized: there was my answer. And then I called my little boy over and read him the entire blog post. He went from squirming and anxious to pack his bag for school, to listening intently. He looked up at me and said, “That makes me feel good. I’m the only new kid in the blue belt class. But I won’t be for long.” And off he ran to school.
My heartfelt thanks from my son and me, Mr. Acuff. I’m the new kid right now, and it’s uncomfortable. But, God willing, I won’t be for long!
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http://t.co/d2iMNmNE
Below is an except of the PDF article:
How do I respect him when he doesn’t love me?
By Jackie Feit
Monterey, California, Tuesday evening, 6:30 p.m.
• Tires screech into the driveway, and the garage door slams shut. He throws his briefcase into the corner of the kitchen, lets out an abbreviated grunt when you ask him how his day was, then mutters, “What’s for dinner?”
Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday morning, 11:00 a.m.
• The endless drone of television commentators, toothpaste commercials, and AFLAC ducks have almost done you in. Work had been particularly stressful this week and you were looking forward to finally having some time together. But after three hours of watching him watch his favorite team play, you give up and retreat to doing your own thing.
Toronto, Ontario, Friday night, 8:34 p.m.
• He surprises you for your birthday and takes you out to your favorite restaurant. The night is off to a great start...that is, until you take second place to his phone. Not even ten minutes have gone by before he is negotiating an “important” deal, no longer acknowledging your existence.
Whether these scenarios match your current situation or your experience is totally unique, feeling disregarded, disconnected, and unloved is extremely painful. And in your pain, you often respond by disrespecting the person who disrespects you. After all, it seems unnatural to show respect and admiration towards the very person causing your hurt. But although your gut reaction is to snap back and display your dissatisfaction, the proper response, however difficult it may seem, cannot be disrespect—regardless of what you get (or don’t get) in return. This is not easy, but it is a choice. [...]
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http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=950
The Rules of Unconditional Love
It might sound crazy, but having an unconditional love for your spouse may just be the most important step you make in your marriage.
BY ESTHER BOYKIN, LMFT
“Unconditional love is the kind of love that you have for a person not in spite of, but because of their flaws.”
This past weekend I enjoyed a bachelorette party with my best friend from college. For two days, a houseful of women gathered to celebrate love and the new beginnings of marriage. It was a wonderful weekend to reflect of the joys of new love. In the early stages of marriage many couples would say that their love for one another is unconditional. There is much talk of loving each other regardless of flaws and finding the "perfect partner." I know that some experts may disagree with the idea of unconditional love between partners—citing issues of co-dependency and enmeshment—but in my view, a great marriage has an element of love and affection for one another that supersedes any faults or flaws. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe that love, even between spouses, can and should be unconditional.
Unconditional love is the idea that our affection for each other is not based on a certain set of behaviors or characteristics. It’s the idea that you love your wife because of who she is not only if she stays a size six or cooks dinner every night. It’s the kind of love that engaged and newlywed couples believe in. Unconditional love is the kind of love that you have for a person not in spite of, but because of their flaws. Your love is all that makes them who they are and wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s blissful and wonderful until real life starts to intrude.
Rather than talk about the way they want to treat each other and the set ground rules for managing conflict, couples usually start out too drunk on love and lust to pay much attention to the logistics of sharing a life. Unfortunately, in time we all sober up and suddenly realize that we don’t necessarily like everything that’s been going on. Suddenly what was cute or quirky is irritating. Your husband’s ambition, which was once sexy and powerful seems arrogant and self-serving. Or your wife’s attention to detail may suddenly seem like nit-picking and controlling. This is the moment where couples start to wonder what went wrong. How could someone who loves us unconditionally find fault with who we are? The problem must be with love… right?
Setting Ground Rules
The obvious thing to say here is that the love has changed, that our spouse no longer loves us unconditionally, but that’s usually not the case. The truth is that most couples I meet at this point are just as in love with each other as ever. The problem is not that their love has changed, but that the rules of the relationship were never established or are in need of an update. You see, while love can be unconditional, healthy relationships need rules.
I know, this seems counter-intuitive to that stars-in-your-eyes, heart-pounding, life-changing love that once dictated your behavior. The fact is, however, that relationships need boundaries in order to sustain the stress and challenges of life. I often compare the need for boundaries or relationship rules with parenting. In general, parents love their children unconditionally, but in order to raise children there must be rules. This is how we teach them to get along with others and learn to understand the place in the world. Rules or boundaries allow a child (or a spouse) to clearly understand how to have positive interactions with the people they love and how to effectively express their needs. The happiest, most secure children are those who live with parents that are comfortable and clear in expressing their love and expectations. Intimate relationships, like marriage, need the same guidance to create a secure and lasting bond.
Boundaries are simply rules of engagement, a set of guides for how we interact and what we need from other people. Boundaries allow each person to maintain their individuality and grow with each other rather than compete for control or autonomy. Boundaries also protect the commitment of a marriage and foster long-lasting, healthy emotional connections. It is healthy boundaries with the outside world that help some couples remain faithful while others may struggle with issues of infidelity or mistrust. Boundaries also protect individuals in the relationship from abuse and exploitation. While you may love your spouse without conditions that does not mean you ought to live with them in an unsafe or emotionally detrimental situation. Boundaries allow us to love freely and deeply while establishing a clear understanding of what is acceptable.
Your Path to Unconditional Love
So how do we keep our deep and unconditional love while establishing clear and healthy rules for our relationships? Open communication and honest personal reflection are key. Whether it is negotiating how you will manage your finances or understanding how and when you need to be comforted and encouraged, establishing relationship rules requires both partners to be open and honest with themselves and each other. These moments of honesty and clarity are not always going to come in the form of civil conversations or carefully negotiated lists. Sometimes, these moments are unexpected and the things you learn are not always what you want to hear. If you can take the risk to be honest and vulnerable in these times, you may find the key to move your marriage forward in a positive way.
A favorite marriage moment for me in which my husband and I established rules around maintaining our home life came when, in the midst of an argument, I accused him of not being as much of a "modern" man as he claimed. In a moment of frustration I told him that he wanted an old-school wife that would stay home and cook and clean for him, not an equal partner as he always proclaimed. I said he was a chauvinist and truly expected him to be offended and defend his prior commitment to having a modern marriage where we shared everything 50/50. Instead, I got a moment of honest communication. Much to my surprise I was right and had just put words to what he had been struggling with for some months. He suddenly realized that he needed to be honest with himself and me about what he really wanted in our marriage.
It turns out that what he really wanted was for me to play a more "traditional" role at home; not exactly a role that fit with the very independent, modern feminist woman he married. That doesn’t mean that I quit my job and stayed home ironing shirts all day to fulfill his desire. Nor did I pack my bags and leave to find someone who wanted a wife that would rather pursue graduate school and career than mop floors and change diapers. Instead, we finally had an honest platform from which to negotiate our own rules about how we would manage our domestic and family responsibilities. Interestingly enough, we both learned more about who we really were in the process. It turns out that I am more traditional than I thought and thoroughly enjoyed staying at home with our children, while going to school and pursuing part-time ventures. He found that he was, in fact, a lot more like the guy he claimed to be when it came to diaper changing and taking care of babies. Thankfully we learned these lessons together and were able to be supportive of each other’s goals and needs. No matter where you are in your relationship, the unconditional love can last a lifetime. All you have do is make it part of the rules.
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Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.
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These are great Stayed. A lot of wisdom to be gleaned here.
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https://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/206080959077036033
When our kids upset us and they're tough to take, we don't think about divorcing them. There's a lesson in there.
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No, but shooting them does become a viable option!
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In case you were thinking of dating...
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I received this link today and thought I would share it with you all
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=medium
I hope you don't mind
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That was a lovely thought and so true.
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Made me cry (in a good way). :) Thank you.
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Brought a tear to my eye, beautiful and very true! :)
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http://youtu.be/qX9FSZJu448
Arthur's story is highlighted from the beginning, in the upcoming documentary, INSPIRED: The Movie. http://www.inspiredthemovie.com
(Thanks to filmmaker Steve Yu for putting this inspirational video together!)
Arthur Boorman was a disabled veteran of the Gulf War for 15 years, and was told by his doctors that he would never be able to walk on his own, ever again.
He stumbled upon an article about Diamond Dallas Page doing Yoga and decided to give it a try -- he couldn't do traditional, higher impact exercise, so he tried DDP YOGA and sent an email to Dallas telling him his story.
Dallas was so moved by his story, he began emailing and speaking on the phone with Arthur throughout his journey - he encouraged Arthur to keep going and to believe that anything was possible. Even though doctors told him walking would never happen, Arthur was persistent. He fell many times, but kept going.
Arthur was getting stronger rapidly, and he was losing weight at an incredible rate! Because of DDP's specialized workout, he gained tremendous balance and flexibility -- which gave him hope that maybe someday, he'd be able to walk again.
His story is proof, that we cannot place limits on what we are capable of doing, because we often do not know our own potential. Niether Arthur, nor Dallas knew what he would go on to accomplish, but this video speaks for itself. In less than a year, Arthur completely transformed his life. If only he had known what he was capable of, 15 years earlier.
Do not waste any time thinking you are stuck - you can take control over your life, and change it faster than you might think.
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That was inspirational SS - it reminds me of the pilot in the show "The Secret" that was told he would only be able to blink the rest of his life and never breathe on his own. He blinked the message that he would walk by Christmas and in 8 months was able to breathe and walked out of the hospital. It is true the power of the mind and the way we think is powerful. H started to watch it with me and plans to finish watching it and I would recommend that show as well.
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From Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis:
The real test is this. Suppose one reads a story of filthy atrocities in the paper. Then suppose that something turns up suggesting that the story might not be quite true, or not quite so bad as it was made out. Is one’s first feeling, “Thank God, even they aren’t quite so bad as that,” or is it a feeling of disappointment, and even a determination to cling to the first story for the sheer pleasure of thinking your enemies are as bad as possible? If it is the second then it is, I am afraid, the first step in a process which, if followed to the end, will make us into devils. You see, one is beginning to wish that black was a little blacker. If we give that wish its head, later on we shall wish to see grey as black, and then to see white itself as black. Finally we shall insist on seeing everything — God and our friends and ourselves included — as bad, and not be able to stop doing it: we shall be fixed for ever in a universe of pure hatred.
For fun, replace "reads a story of filthy atrocities in the paper" with "hears of some Replay behavior their MLCer is engaged in"...
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From Dr. Gary Chapman's Love Languages newsletter:
http://is.gd/joTUEi
5 "Aha" Marriage Tips You Need to Know: Part 1
#1 - I am responsible for my own attitude.
Trouble is inevitable, but misery is optional. Attitude has to do with the way I choose to think about things. Two wives have husbands who have lost their jobs. Wendy said, "My husband hasn't had a full-time job in three years. The good part is not being able to afford cable TV. We've done a lot more talking on Monday nights. We've learned a lot. Our philosophy is 'Let's see how many things we can do without that everybody else thinks they have to have.' It's amazing how many things you can do without."
On the other hand, Lou Ann said, "My husband hasn't had a job for ten months. We are down to one car, no phone, and we're getting food from the food bank. Life is miserable at our house." The difference in these two wives was basically a matter of attitude.
We choose to think negatively and curse the darkness, or we choose to look for the silver lining behind the clouds.
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SS, thank you for posting these, they came to me at the right moment! :)
peony x
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Part 2:
http://is.gd/9vB6SM
5 "Aha" Marriage Tips You Need to Know: Part 2
#2 - Attitude affects actions.
The reason attitudes are so important is that they affect my behavior and words. I may not be able to control my environment: sickness, alcoholic spouse, teenager on drugs, aging parents, etc. but I am responsible for what I do within my environment. My attitude will greatly influence my behavior.
If I look for the positive in my marriage, then I'm more likely to talk positively: give my spouse affirming words, and to do something that has the potential for enhancing life for both of us.
On the other hand, if I focus on the negative, I'm more likely to give my spouse critical, condemning words. This type of behavior will often result in one of two actions:
I'll do things to hurt my spouse, or
I'll withdraw and consider leaving my spouse.
Yes, my attitude affects my actions.
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http://ow.ly/ecmvM
How do I respect him when he doesn’t love me?
By Jackie Feit
Monterey, California, Tuesday evening, 6:30 p.m.
• Tires screech into the driveway, and the garage door slams shut. He
throws his briefcase into the corner of the kitchen, lets out an abbreviated grunt when you ask him how his day was, then mutters, “What’s for dinner?”
Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday morning, 11:00 a.m.
• The endless drone of television commentators, toothpaste
commercials, and AFLAC ducks have almost done you in. Work had been particularly stressful this week and you were looking forward to finally having some time together. But after three hours of watching him watch his favorite team play, you give up and retreat to doing your own thing.
Toronto, Ontario, Friday night, 8:34 p.m.
• He surprises you for your birthday and takes you out to your favorite
restaurant. The night is off to a great start...that is, until you take second place to his phone. Not even ten minutes have gone by before he is negotiating an “important” deal, no longer acknowledging your existence.
Whether these scenarios match your current situation or your experience is totally unique, feeling disregarded, disconnected, and unloved is extremely painful. And in your pain, you often respond by disrespecting the person who disrespects you. After all, it seems unnatural to show respect and admiration towards the very person causing your hurt. But although your gut reaction is to snap back and display your dissatisfaction, the proper response, however difficult it may seem, cannot be disrespect—regardless of what you get (or don’t get) in return. This is not easy, but it is a choice.
In the long run, choosing disrespect only perpetuates the vicious cycle of negative feelings. Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs, PhD in Psychology and founder of the Love and Respect Conferences, explains in an online video (http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/crazy_cycle_videoStream.php), “Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect he acts without love. Without love she reacts without respect...and this baby starts to spin.” Dr. Eggerichs has dubbed this notion the ‘Crazy Cycle.’** With each act, the cycle is reinforced and continues to spiral out of control. Dr. DeAnne Terrell, a psychologist and faculty member of Psychological Studies Institute, states, “To break the cycle, you must step out and do what is right, regardless of what he is or isn’t doing.” Just to clarify, disrespect does not necessarily mean extreme name-calling, flailing arms, or eye rolling. It can be as simple as the tone in your voice or the body language you display.
And in the moment, a hostile glare or harsh tone may feel satisfying; and truthfully, your reaction may be justified. But the focus of marriage is not so much on justice as it is on choosing to love and respect the other person, despite their imperfections.
To do this, it is first important to distinguish fact from fiction. This may mean taking a step back and deciphering the reality from the feelings. Is it possible that your partner does love you, but isn’t displaying it in the way that speaks love to you? In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman writes, “Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our [own] primary love language and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language.”
Learn what speaks love to you, whether it is spending more time together, getting sporadic notes, holding hands, verbal affirmation, etc. Most likely, your spouse doesn’t know your exact needs or desires, and assumes that whatever speaks love to him/her will also speak love to you (i.e. going to work, taking out the trash, preparing dinner, watching the kids, fixing the leaky faucet, etc.). Using open (and gentle!) communication, share your needs with one another. Loving responses are much more likely to occur if you are willing to display love and respect to the other person. Take the first step and begin to break the ‘Crazy Cycle!’
**(Get a better understanding of the ‘Crazy Cycle’ by reading “The Two Stories I Hear Over and Over Again”) http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/crazy_cycle.php)
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From MWD on Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/DivorceBusting
Special thanks to Trusting for liking this, so do I.
Due to rapidly changing weather patterns in Colorado there's a saying, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." A similar phenomena is true for marriage. Research shows that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stay married report that their marriages are happy five years later. This is true even in marriages where there are serious problems such as substance abuse, infidelity, verbal abuse, etc.. That's because people can change. If you wait out the storm, you can avoid the unintended problems brought about by divorce and keep your family together. Plus, believe it or not, you can become happier and more loving. Hang in there! -Michele Weiner-Davis
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I like that, and I've been seeing it around on Facebook and other places, too. :)
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Part 3:
http://is.gd/gyqRC1
5 "Aha" Marriage Tips You Need to Know: Part 3
#3 - I cannot change others, but I can influence others.
It's true, you cannot change your spouse, but you can and do influence your spouse every day. If you are still trying to change your spouse, then you are probably a master manipulator. You reason, "If I do this, then my spouse will do that." "If I can make him miserable enough, or happy enough, then I'll get what I want." I hate to discourage you, but you're on a dead end road. Even if he changes, he will resent you for manipulating him.
A better approach is to be a positive influence on your spouse. You influence by your words and actions. If you look for something your spouse is doing that you like and give him verbal compliments, you are having a positive influence on him. If you do something for him that you know he will like, your actions influence him in a wholesome way. Your model begins to rub off on him. The reality of the power of positive influence holds tremendous potential for troubled marriages.
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Part 4:
http://is.gd/hmtqK3
5 "Aha" Marriage Tips You Need to Know: Part 4
#4 - My actions need not be controlled by my emotions
For the past thirty years in Western Society we have given undue emphasis to emotions. When applied to a troubled marriage, this philosophy advises, "If you don't have love feelings, admit it and get out of the marriage." "If you feel hurt and angry, you would be hypocritical to say or do something kind to your spouse." This philosophy fails to reckon with the reality that man is more than his emotions.
We have feelings, yes, but we also have attitudes, values, and actions. If we jump from emotions to actions and ignore attitudes and values, we will destroy our marriages. Stop, think, look for the positive, affirm it, and then, do something that has positive potential. Actions that are guided by values and positive attitudes are more likely to be productive.
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Part 5:
http://is.gd/o2mdiN
5 "Aha" Marriage Tips You Need to Know: Part 5
#5 - Admitting my own imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.
Most troubled marriages include a stone wall between husband and wife, built over the years. Each stone represents an event in the past where one of them has failed the other. These are things about which people talk when they sit in the counseling office.
The husband complains, "She has always been critical of everything I do. I've never been able to please her." The wife complains, "He's married to his job. He has no time for me or the children. I feel like a widow." This wall of hurt and disappointment stands as a barrier to marital unity.
Demolishing this emotional wall is essential for rebuilding a troubled marriage. Admitting your part in building this wall, does not make you a failure. It means that you are human and are willing to admit your humanity. Confessing past failures is the first step toward a growing marriage.
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http://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/statuses/264397228804825088
it is possible to wait out a midlife crisis and eventually, the alien who "abducted your spouse" will release him or her. Hang in there!
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I saw she had posted that on FB and was glad to see it. She didn't go into how long these alien abductions can last though. :-\
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Things like Facebook and Twitter aren't suited to in-depth discussion and analysis. But I'm glad that she is saying that MLC is real and that it takes time.
I haven't been on the DB site in ages; I have no idea if Michele Weiner-Davis has good resources regarding MLC on her site or not.
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OldPilot probably know more; I'm not an active DB site user, but I have looked at it. From what I can see there is an MLC forum; the ideas similar to here. But overall from what I can tell she concentrates on "normal" marriage problems.
I do know that in her book there is a chapter on MLC, but what it mostly says is that "normal" DB methods don't necessarily apply, and that it requires more patience than one ever dreamed, then multiplied by a million. In other words, very little. MLC isn't something where one can easily have "success stories" in a relatively short (i.e. less than a few years....) time.
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MHO is when she writes a book on MLC then I will buy into her supporting it.
RCR was a poster there for years so most of what RCR writes here was learned on that forum.or through other research avenues.
I think MWD has always supported the idea of MLC but she does not know how to FIX it.
HMMM sounds familiar.
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I agree, OP -- I was thinking when reading this that she doesn't go into that territory because it's too hard to have success stories, and so much of her company is about fixing marriages. That may not sound quite right -- I want to clarify that I think her ideas and books are excellent and based on sound principles. She concentrates on fixing things that she sees can be fixed, if that makes any sense.
It's like she looks at MLC and goes "eek, ok it's there, but I'm not touching that".
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There's someone posting on Twitter that I think deserves some recognition:
https://twitter.com/HerosSpouse/
How do I detach? How do I stop? Don't think of the color BLUE. Focus on ME! http://bit.ly/RE8JVq #herospouse #detach
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There's someone posting on Twitter that I think deserves some recognition:
https://twitter.com/HerosSpouse/
How do I detach? How do I stop? Don't think of the color BLUE. Focus on ME! http://bit.ly/RE8JVq #herospouse #detach
Actually truth be told the person on twitter is some guy that used to fly planes around, but he is using DGU and RCR to post!
He is just an editor.
If anyone wants to tweet something from Hero's let me know and I will ask that guy to come in for a landing for long enough to get it out!
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I think this stands to be revisited: http://www.ndoherty.com/stockdale-paradox/
The Stockdale Paradox is named after admiral Jim Stockdale, who was a United States military officer held captive for eight years during the Vietnam War. Stockdale was tortured more than twenty times by his captors, and never had much reason to believe he would survive the prison camp and someday get to see his wife again. And yet, as Stockdale told Collins, he never lost faith during his ordeal: “I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”
[Empahsis mine] Then comes the paradox: While Stockdale had remarkable faith in the unknowable, he noted that it was always the most optimistic of his prisonmates who failed to make it out of there alive. “They were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”
What the optimists failed to do was confront the reality of their situation. They preferred the ostrich approach, sticking their heads in the sand and hoping for the difficulties to go away. That self-delusion might have made it easier on them in the short-term, but when they were eventually forced to face reality, it had become too much and they couldn’t handle it.
Stockdale approached adversity with a very different mindset. He accepted the reality of his situation. He knew he was in hell, but, rather than bury his head in the sand, he stepped up and did everything he could to lift the morale and prolong the lives of his fellow prisoners. He created a tapping code so they could communicate with each other. He developed a milestone system that helped them deal with torture. And he sent intelligence information to his wife, hidden in the seemingly innocent letters he wrote.
Collins and his team observed a similar mindset in the good-to-great companies. They labeled it the Stockdale Paradox and described it like so:
You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For me, the Stockdale Paradox carries an important lesson in personal development, a lesson in faith and honesty: Never doubt that you can achieve your goals, no matter how lofty they may be and no matter how many critics and naysayers you may have. But at the same time, always take honest stock of your current situation. Don’t lie to yourself for fear of short-term embarrassment or discomfort, because such deception will only come back to defeat you in the end.
Living the first half of this paradox is relatively easy, since optimism really isn’t that hard. You just choose to believe that it will all turn out for the best, and everything that happens to you is a means to that end. Simple as.
But optimism on its own can be a dangerous thing:
There’s no difference between a pessimist who says, “Oh, it’s hopeless, so don’t bother doing anything,” and an optimist who says, “Don’t bother doing anything, it’s going to turn out fine anyway.” Either way, nothing happens. – Yvon Chouinard
So you need to embrace the second half of the Stockdale Paradox to really make strides. You must combine that optimism with brutal honesty and a willingness to take action.
Now of course, nobody likes admitting that they’re fat, that they’re broke, that they’ve chosen the wrong career or that their marriage is falling apart. But admitting such truths is an absolute necessity if you want to grow and improve. It might feel like you’re taking a few steps backward by doing so, but you can view that retreat as the pull-back on a sling shot: you’re just setting yourself up to make significant progress down the road.
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No source other than being overheard...
A small child was complaining to his mother (?) that another child didn't want to play with them, and he apparently really wanted to play together; his mother replied "You can't make people play with you, you can only make people want to play with you."
Food for thought when it comes to planting seeds...
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Not exactly MLC-related but people who are working on reconnecting, GALing or "Acting as if" might enjoy this:
https://twitter.com/eFlirtExpert/statuses/297406202197995520
It's your dating life, not corporate life. Skip dry email titles (Cooking) & inject personality (Battle of the Lasagnas)
EDIT: Although, most email writing advice tells you the opposite; that clear subject lines help people process email more efficiently. I guess you could do something like "COOKING: Battle of the Lasagnas"?
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I meant to post this before Valentine's Day, but people looking for something to do for the long weekend may appreciate it:
http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=1517
Sometimes, we all need the occasional night to ourselves. Some of you may be thinking, "A night to myself, what is that?"
We often have those nights where we are home zoning out watching TV, eating and feeling bored. We don’t need more of those nights. This is not the kind of night I am referring to.
Some of you may say, "A night to myself, that isn’t going to be fun. If I go out alone people will think I am weird or will assume I am unlovable and lonely."
Yuck! Believe me, one of the best ways to nurture ourselves is to plan a nice little date night out… yes, alone.
Here are six reasons to consider taking yourself out on a date, even if it means ditching your spouse for a night.
1. Freedom! When you take a date night for yourself the first benefit is you have the freedom to do whatever you want to do! You do not have to make concessions for anyone else. It feels good to simply let a day or night, now and again, be all about you and your tastes. It reminds you of who you are, what you love and that you can, in fact, feel fantastic all on your own.
2. You can take your time. The greatest thing about dates with yourself is that you can take your sweet time. There is no agenda. No one is rushing you to be somewhere. You can have a plan or you can just relax and fly by the seat of your pants on your date. It is ok to slow things down and enjoy the smaller pleasures of life.
3. Independence. To be able to feel self-satisfied on your own is important to your sense of self-worth and independence. To be able to go out in public and have yourself a little date shows a level of self-comfort and satisfaction. It is important for you to remember that you are more than ok all on your own. A certain amount of time alone is exciting, relieving and nurturing to your soul.
4. It makes you more interesting. People who can never make a decision on a date or who always speak in "we" terms can annoy the other because there is no "self" there. When you spend a certain amount of time alone it keeps you on your toes in developing your own opinions, preferences and memories. Knowing what you want is sexy because it makes you interesting.
5. Get over your fear of being alone. The more you practice entertaining, nurturing and dating yourself, you learn more about what you want from your spouse. Since you're married, it is always great to reconnect with yourself and to give yourself all the things that maybe you feel you are missing from your spouse. It is about being whole all unto yourself. It is attractive to be someone who is ok being alone. When you date yourself you are not alone anyway. You are not by yourself you are with yourself.
6. Pamper yourself. If you are going to have this date with yourself, you may as well indulge in some pampering. You can shop, get your nails done, get a massage or a facial. Whatever it is for you that will make you feel loved and well taken care of… gift this to yourself. You deserve it. When you pamper yourself you are acknowledging your lovability and your value.
Look at it this way, other people enjoy your company, right? So why shouldn’t you. As Buddha quotes, "You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." [Emphasis mine] A little parting life message: Love yourself and take charge of your happiness.
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Still Standing
I needed this soooooooooooo bad! i have had myself a little pity party of late i guess. time to get back on my feet!
Life goes on.
Thanks so much for sharing :)
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Beautiful and inspiring :)
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http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2013/03/without-forgiveness/
Without Forgiveness
There are no healthy relationships without forgiveness. From time to time all of us do and say things that hurt those we love. Such behavior calls for an apology—and apologies call for forgiveness. Now, let’s be honest, forgiveness does not come easily. The husband who gambles away the money they had saved for a new car cannot expect his wife to be happy. Nor should she expect herself to simply accept his behavior and move on. [Emphasis mine] No, forgiveness is the response to genuine repentance. God does not forgive us our sins when we refuse to repent. Nor, can we do this on the human level. But when there is genuine repentance, than you must extend genuine forgiveness. Forgiveness brings healing and hope for a better future.
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http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2013/03/forgiveness-does-not-heal-everything/
Forgiveness Does Not Heal Everything
March 14, 2013
We often have the mistaken idea that forgiveness will heal everything. Let me share three things that forgiveness does not do.
(1) Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of wrong doing. The father who abandons his children may repent ten years later, but forgiveness does not restore the ten years of void.
(2) Forgiveness does not immediately restore trust. Once trust is violated, it must be rebuilt by the person being trustworthy. If that happens, then over time trust will be restored.
(3) Forgiveness does not remove the offense from one’s memory. It does mean that you choose not to hold the offense against them.
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Received from Michele Weiner-Davis's Divorce Busting mailing list:
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
April 25, 2013
Hi,
Your marriage is on the rocks. Your husband is emotionally unavailable and you strongly suspect he is having an affair. Your wife never wants to have sex. You are so miserable about your home life, you can't even concentrate at work. You're so desperate divorce starts looking like a reasonable option. But you're just not sure what to do.
You look for support.
So, you turn to your friends and family for a shoulder to lean on. You tell them about the problems in your marriage and how your spouse just doesn't understand you or your needs.
You share the many ways in which your spouse is selfish, insensitive, deceitful, and controlling and how he or she is completely unwilling to change. Support and empathy is what you're after and you talk about your predicament to any friend or family member with a sympathetic ear.
The advice you get feels right, "I can't believe your husband treats you that way. You shouldn't put up with it," or "Your wife doesn't deserve you. You are so good to her and she is so self-absorbed." Vindicated and bolstered, you leave these conversations feeling better. You're right, your spouse is wrong. And that's all good.
More of the same.
Weeks turn into months or years and nothing changes in your marriage. With each passing day, you grow increasingly unhappy. Now, your marital beefs become your daily mantra; you've looped your loved ones in on the on-going saga of a marriage gone wrong.
Soon, they start wondering, "What did that jerk do to you today,?" Eventually, you're being urged to cut your losses and get out of your marriage. Your friends and family can't stand to see you hurt any longer. They want you to get on with your life. "Enough is enough," they say, and start offering suggestions about divorce attorneys.
And as you're about to see, while it may feel comforting to know that there are people who love, support and understand you, relying on family and friends in this way can easily backfire, because:
YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE.
If your spouse starts being kinder, more considerate, loving, involved, sexier, communicative...and so on, you're encouraged and can't wait to share your good news with your inner circle. But when you do, lo and behold, they're not impressed.
They're not happy; far from it.
They're skeptical or filled with contempt. They tell you "Can't you see that he's just trying to manipulate you?" "She's on her best behavior, but it won't last." "Once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar." "You've been wanting to get out of your marriage and now you are being brainwashed to stay."
They're frustrated and angry because you've leaned on them and basked in their emotional support, and now, you want to stay married and work things out!! It's simply unacceptable.
So, you try to explain that things different now are.
You give examples of all the thoughtful things your spouse is doing to show s/he cares. But they won't budge. You just don't understand why they're so stubbornly clinging to their negative views of your mate.
Why aren't they happy for you that your marriage has turned a corner?
Why don't they see the changes in your spouse? And if they really loved you, regardless of what they think about your spouse, shouldn't they just want you to be happy- even if they don't agree with your decisions?
A story from my office.
Last week in my practice I was deeply saddened by a situation much like the ones I have described above. A couple from New Hampshire, married for 10 years with three young children sought my help. The wife has been desperately unhappy because her husband, a workaholic, has been emotionally distant, uninvolved with the children, critical and demeaning.
Because of her unhappiness, she spent extended periods of time with her parents and siblings who live out of state. Her husband felt neglected, lonely and unappreciated. Rather than discuss their feelings openly and honestly, they argued and retreated to separate quarters. Their relationship, rather than intimate partners, seemed more like toddlers engaging in parallel play.
To satisfy a deep void from within, the husband turned to sex outside the marriage - lots of it.
He found himself in a web of sexually compulsive behavior. His wife, though emotionally detached, sensed something was not right and began sleuth work to entrap him. She solicited help from computer-savvy relatives and within a short period of time, got all the information she needed to make a decision about her marriage.
She wanted out.
Her siblings cheered her on and the once adored husband, brother and son-in-law got slapped with the scarlet letter and was ostracized from a family he dearly loves. The wife sought legal advice and announced her intentions to divorce her husband.
He was crushed and begged her to come for a two-day intensive with me. As is often the case with these challenging intensive sessions, this couple decided to tackle the issues that led them astray and recommit to working on their marriage rather than to divorce.
They worked diligently to understand their current patterns and triggers, and creatively designed ways to replace them with positive, action oriented interventions. We worked on marital goal setting, rules for conversation, and frank and open discussion about intimacy and sex. For two days, we laughed and cried together.
Though well aware that the road to recovery would be fraught with challenges and much hard work, nonetheless, a feeling of optimism was tangible in my office.
Until they got home, that is.
Upon hearing the news of possible reconciliation, this woman's family was livid, outraged. Her brothers and sisters have vacillated between refusing to talk to her and non-stop harassing telephone calls.
As weeks passed, in spite of the impressive, heartfelt, and profoundly life-transforming work these two individuals have been doing on themselves and their marriage, her family hasn't been swayed. As if her dealing with complicated and painful marital issues and the detailed disclosure about his sexually compulsive behavior weren't enough.
Now, this.
Although I'm hopeful her family will eventually come around, my heart hurt for them when, through their tears, they told me about her family's reaction to her decision to try to work things out. But I was not surprised. I've seen this dynamic many times.
Knowing how enmeshed she was with her family, I warned them both that they would encounter fierce resistance. Predicting the inevitable is helpful to my clients but countering the force of family gravity takes a lot of energy and stamina.
So, here's some advice.
If you are someone considering divorce, it's reasonable to assume that you will want to discuss your situation with people closest to you - good friends and relatives.
Understand that when you do, they will naturally take your side.
The more information you share about your spouse's "wrongdoings," the more your friends and family will object to his or her presence in your life.
If you sense that your loved ones are becoming biased, it's wise to limit complaints about your marriage and consult with a professional instead. (Make sure you find a marriage-friendly professional.)
Don't expect your family to be able to readily switch gears about your spouse's potential to change just because you have. They may just need more time.
And whatever you do, while they catch up to you, don't allow their pessimism to thwart your marriage-saving plans.
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Allie Brosh, the woman behind the blog Hyperbole and a Half, stopped posting on her blog for almost a year and a half because she was battling a severe case of depression.
The posts are too long to summarize and use her artwork to tell the story, but it provides a look into what depression feels like. People who may be triggered by descriptions of depression should probably avoid reading these; I have no idea if she was going through a midlife crisis but I'm sure our MLCers would probably report feelings similar to what Allie describes.
Her last post of 2011 is here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
Her next post (yesterday) is here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/pre-post-transition-post.html
And her first big post of 2013 is here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
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Stillstanding,
Thanks for posting this link. Very, very good (perhaps not the right word, but the best I could come up with).
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Stillstanding,
Thanks for posting this link. Very, very good (perhaps not the right word, but the best I could come up with).
I suspect the description of your feelings being turned off is very accurate; I've heard depression described as being like your feelings are just…less. You're not happy, but you're not sad. You just don't feel anything as strongly as you used to.
This would explain why it seems to be easy for MLCers to walk away from their family and friends, and why affairs (especially affair downs) don't turn into stable relationships.
I also liked her description of how her depression just started one day. It wasn't brought on by some specific event. And I wonder if her description of her feelings turning back on, one at a time, is similar to the Reintegration that RCR describes, when the MLCer is pulling themselves back together.
New thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3626.0