[StillStanding]

(Part 2)
With the release of Gary's new book Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, we the publisher would like to share with you part two of the insightful excerpts from each chapter. These tidbits of wisdom have been gained over a lifetime of Gary's professional, as well as personal experience. We hope you enjoy this sneak peak into the book. Visit thingsiwishbook.com for more information, videos, and while your there go ahead and download chapter 1!

Chapter 7:  Toilets are not self-cleaning
"In the home in which I grew up, the toilet was never dirty. It never crossed my mind that someone was cleaning it."
"Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages."

Chapter 8:  We needed a plan for handling our money
"We had very different ideas about what to purchase and when. With no plan in place, finances became what it becomes for many couples-a battlefield."
"The plan I share in the rest of this chapter is a simple one of money management that has helped thousands of couples avoid financial warfare."

Chapter 9:  Mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic
"I was fully male; she was fully female and we had a high level of sexual attraction for each other.  What more could we need?"
"Communication is the key that unlocks sexual fulfillment. In a culture saturated with explicit sex talk, I am amazed at the couples who enter my counseling office who have never learned to talk about this part of their marriage."

Chapter 10:  I was marrying into a family
"When you marry, you become part of an extended family. Your relationship may be distant or close, positive or negative, but you will have a relationship because you are marrying into a family."
"One of the first issues that will likely demand your attention is holidays.  At the top of the list will be Christmas."

Chapter 11:  Spirituality is not to be equated with "going to church"
" . . . mankind is incurably religious. There are no cultures that have not developed a system of beliefs about the non-material world.   . . . these religious beliefs greatly influence the behavior of those who believe them."
"When couples contemplate marriage, religion needs to be near the top of the list in matters that need to be discussed."

Chapter 12:  Personality profoundly influences behavior
"If Karolyn and I had known that I was a morning person and she was a night person, and if we had used our dating time to discuss this personality difference, we would have saved ourselves a lot of emotional pain."
"Few things will better prepare you for the inevitable conflicts in marriage like understanding each other's personality patterns."

[StillStanding]

At our church, we just concluded a really good series on the Fruit of the Spirit called "God's Apps" (it's an iPhone joke). They are available as MP3s you can listen to; they're not a super-fancy production, just my pastor speaking into the mic.

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-Control

[StillStanding]

Understand Your Anger by Rick Warren
"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." Psalm 4:4 (NIV)

We need to understand that there's a difference between sinful anger and legitimate anger; between appropriate anger and inappropriate anger; between helpful anger and hurtful anger.

Anger is not necessarily wrong.  It's not always bad.  What makes it different is why you got angry and what you do with those feelings.

Ask yourself, "What am I angry about? Why am I so upset?"

It's very important that you understand this:  Anger is never the root problem. There is always a deeper issue.  Anger is simply an emotional reaction to one of three primary emotions.  If you want to understand your anger you've got to find out which of these three you are feeling, and maybe it's a combination of all three.  It's important that you know this because it's much easier to deal with the roots than it is to deal with anger itself.  When you get angry it's either because:

• You are hurt - either physically or emotionally.
• You are frustrated - Things don't seem to be turning out the way you want them to. When you're angered by frustration, ask yourself two questions: Would getting angry change the situation? Is it really worth being upset over?
• You fear something - you feel threatened or insecure.

When you focus on the real cause, it's easier to control your anger.

The fact is, you can't eliminate hurt and frustration and fear from your lives.  They're inevitable. But you can learn to deal with these things without becoming upset. Anger is a choice.  And when you get angry is because you've chosen to be angry.

You might be saying, "You don't understand. When I get angry, I can't control it." As Christians, we have Christ's power in us to help us learn to control our anger.

[StillStanding]

Stop, Look, Listen by Rick Warren
"A fool gives vent to his anger but a wise man keeps himself under control." Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)

Why is it so important to keep our anger under control?  Because uncontrolled anger can become a habitual way of responding to life. Pretty soon, your anger controls you instead of you controlling your anger.

The Book of Proverbs is filled with practical steps on how to control your anger. Let me share three.  The easiest way to remember them is to remember a little phase that you may have learned as a child when you were taught to cross the street:  Stop, Look, Listen.

• Stop.  Stop and think before you speak. I don't know why it is but angry words always seem to come easily.  I know some people who, when they get angry, are witty, sarcastic, quick!  But a sharp tongue is the quickest way to cut your throat.
  Proverbs 14:17 (NIV) says, "A quick tempered man does foolish things." And Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath but harsh words stir up anger." The starting point in dealing with anger is to stop and watch what you say.
• Look.  Look at the situation from God's point of view, not your point-of-view. That means be mature enough to overlook minor hurts, frustrations and insecurities.  If somebody insults you, criticizes you, or puts you down, be mature enough to say, "It's not going to bother me." Proverbs 12:16 (NIV) says,"A man's wisdom gives him patience.  It is his glory to overlook an offense."
  Anger, like every other emotion, is caused by the way you see a situation. If you want to control your anger, one way to do it is to change your point-of-view.
• Listen.  Listen to the needs and hurts of those people that you're tempted to be angry against. Any angry person is just a hurting person.  They're hurting inside, they're frustrated. When you listen to their needs, it's easier to respond and not get angry.
  "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."  (James 1:19 NIV) If you do the first two, the third will come automatically.  If you are quick to listen and slow to speak, it is going to be automatic that you are slow to become angry.

[StillStanding]

Deal With Your Anger - Now! by Rick Warren
"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry." Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

I believe today's verse should be taken literally. When you go to bed at night, make sure your conscious is clear and there's no disharmony.

Why? God knows how dangerous and destructive anger is to our bodies. The anger gets inside of you and starts to eat you up.

Have you ever heard anybody say, "That really burns me up!" They're speaking the truth.  It literally does that.  Scientists have proven that when a person gets angry there is a definite biochemical change in their body.  When you get angry it attacks your adrenal glands and shoots out all kinds of things in your body.  Your palms start sweating, your temperature is raised, your blood sugar increases, your heart beat elevates, you get nervous, you get primed for action.

All of this is pent up inside of you and God says, "Don't get that all built up in your life and then try to go to sleep with it.  It will eat on you."

God is explaining this for your own good.  When you hold on to your anger it has a damaging effect upon your health.  You can't sleep.  You get high blood pressure. You get depressed - you can get all kinds of different illnesses.

Anger is dangerous to our lives.  It's dangerous to us physically. It's dangerous to us socially -- it ruins relationships, it destroys homes.  It's dangerous to us spiritually -- it affects our relationship with God.

That's what Paul goes on to say in Ephesians 4:27, "And do not give the devil a foothold." (NIV) When you get angry, deal with it immediately, so the devil doesn't get a foothold in your life.

[StillStanding]

Remember the Best, Forget the Rest by Rick Warren
"I thank my God every time I remember you." Philippians 1:3 (NIV)

What do you remember about people?  The good experiences or the bad experiences?  Paul said, "I like to remember the good things about people, focus on the good times we've had, remember the positive experiences."

When Paul said this he had not had an easy time in Philippi. Acts 16 tells us that when he went to Philippi he was illegally arrested, whipped, humiliated, and thrown into prison -- before finally being asked to leave town. Yet he says, "I thank God every time I remember you."

Paul could have dwelt on the negative.  He could have remembered the painful memories.  He chose not to remember the painful; instead, he focused on the things he could be grateful for.

Maybe you have been hurt in the past by a parent or a partner and you're still holding on to that hurt.  As a result you can't enjoy being around them today.  You're still focusing on the bad and the negative.  Be grateful for the good in people.  Pleasant memories are a choice.  I can choose what I'm going to remember about the past.

I'm not saying that you deny the hurts you've had or that you excuse the weaknesses in other people.  That is psychologically unhealthy.  But focus on the good and choose to emphasize the strengths.

I hear wives say, "He's a good man, but ... ."  Anytime you hear "but" it means the emphasis is on the negative not the positive. Be grateful for what you've got!  Mr. Perfect does not exist! I've heard the same thing from husbands, but Mrs. Perfect does not exist!

If you want to enjoy others, you've got to focus on their strengths and not their weaknesses.  With some people it takes a lot of creativity.  But you can find something good in everybody.

[StillStanding]

Love Says, "I'm Sorry." by Gary Chapman

Love means never having to say, "I'm sorry."
Did the movie Love Story get it right when it advised us that true love means never having to say, "I'm sorry?"  I don't think so, for one simply reason - we are all human.  And humans are not perfect. All of us end up hurting the persons we love most. Having a good marriage does not demand perfection, but it does require us to apologize when we fail. 

When I say, "I'm sorry" I'm expressing regret that my words or behavior have brought pain to you. When is the last time you said, "I'm sorry," to your husband or wife? If it's been a while, then you probably owe them an apology. Love means always being willing to say, "I'm sorry." 

There's more to an apology than saying "I'm sorry."
Perhaps you have said, "I'm sorry,"  but your spouse is finding it hard to forgive you. So you feel frustrated and are saying to yourself, "I apologized what else can I do?" If you really want to break down the barriers, ask your spouse this question: "What can I do to make this up to you? I know I hurt you and I feel badly about it, but I want to make it right. I feel like I want to do something to show you that I love you." 

This is far more powerful than simply saying "I'm sorry." Here you are trying to make restitution. You are trying to demonstrate that you really care about your relationship.  After all, what your spouse wants to know is "are you sincere in your apology?"

Why are you sorry?
When you apologize to your spouse, what do you say? For many the answer is: "I'm sorry." But do you tell them what you are sorry for? An apology has more impact when it's specific. "I'm sorry that I got home late. I know that you worked hard to be ready on time, and I show up 15 minutes late. I feel badly that I've made you wait. I hope you will forgive me and we can still have a good evening." This kind of apology communicates that you are aware that your behavior inconvenienced your spouse and that you feel badly about it.

Here's one that you should never use.  "I'm sorry that you got hurt." That shifts the blame to your spouse. It says, "If you weren't so sensitive, everything would be all right." Far better to say, "I'm sorry that my behavior hurt you."   

Wait.... who's to blame?
"I'm sorry, but if you had not provoked me, I would not have lost my temper." That is not an apology. It is blaming your spouse for your poor behavior. Sincere regret needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with "But..." One husband said, "Her apologies always come across as attacks on me. She says she's sorry, but then she turns around and blames me. To me that's not an apology."

How about you? When you say, "I'm sorry," do you use the word "but"? If so, then you're not apologizing. You are blaming. You are creating resentment inside your spouse. They have a hard time forgiving you because in their mind you are not apologizing. In the future, try eliminating the "buts". 

Taking responsibility for your behavior
Sometimes we hurt people and don't realize it. It certainly was not intentional. Good marriages are fostered by expressing regret even when we didn't intend to hurt them. If you bump someone getting off an elevator, you probably say, "I'm sorry."  Why would you not do this with your spouse? You may not realize that your behavior has upset your spouse, but when it becomes apparent, then you can say, "I'm sorry that my behavior caused you so much pain. I didn't intend to hurt you, but I know I did. I feel badly about it, and I hope you will forgive me." 

Sincere apologies make it easier for your husband or wife to forgive you. You don't have to be perfect to have a good marriage. But you must deal with your failures. "I'm sorry" is a key ingredient to a loving marriage.

[StillStanding]

It Takes Patience and Persistence to Reach a Goal by Rick Warren

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will sure come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3 (LB)

The seventh step to getting where God wants you to be is to be patient and persistent. Why? Because it's not going to happen overnight. The more important your goal is, the longer it's going to take; the more significant it is, the more discipline it's going to require.

Step #1 - Determine your present position
Step #2 - Be specific about what you want
Step #3 - Look for God's promise
Step #4 -- Ask God to help you
Step #5 -- Identify the barriers
Step #6 -- Create a step-by-step plan
Step # 7 -- Be patient and persistent

Nothing great is ever accomplished without persistence and patience because, in order to be successful, your dreams must translate into work. The people who succeed in life are the people who are willing to do what they don't feel like doing. They are not mastered by their moods, they are mastered by the Master, and they establish their goals and plans according to God's will.

Eliezer was a great example of patience and persistence. We saw his patience in choosing the right woman by making a detailed plan. He didn't make a snap judgment. He wasn't impulsive. The Bible says in Genesis 24:21 (NIV), "Without saying a word, [he] watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey succeed."

Later, after he got invited to Rebekah's house for dinner, the Bible says, "The food was set before him (Eliezer), but he said, 'I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say'" (Genesis 24:33 NIV). Now personally, I would have eaten first. But this guy was focused.

What's the point? If you are going to really reach your goals in life, sometimes you have to delay gratification. You have to do the tough thing instead of the fun thing, the right thing instead of the pleasurable thing.

And the reason that's so hard is because most of us don't want to delay gratification. That's why we're in debt. Our attitude is, "I want it and I want it now." And if we can't afford it, then we put it on our credit cards.

It's important for you to learn this lesson because any goal that's worth achieving is going to have obstacles in the way. You need to have a long-term view so, when difficulties come, you can persevere knowing that you are going to get past it.

I love today's verse. It's a great reminder that God's timing is perfect and ours is not. When you find yourself in God's waiting room, just be patient and persistent. A God-given vision will always be fulfilled.

[Courageous wife]

More thought provoking words and as always inspirational!  Thanks for posting SS.

[StillStanding]

My church is doing a series called Recalibrate; it's a study of the Beatitiudes. I've enjoyed all of the sermons so far (although I missed last week's by being home sick).

True Happiness? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/100926.mp3
Poor? Really? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101003.mp3
Comforted? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101010.mp3 (This one deals with mourning and was very moving. I'm sorry I missed it.)
Real Strength? http://newbergcc.org/downloads/101017.mp3 (This one may not be up yet.)

NOTE: my pastor likes to make references to sporting teams; any offense caused by disrespect to your sports franchise of choice is unintended.