Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LettingGo on September 27, 2010, 06:23:22 AM
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The difference between an MLC affair and a regular old cheatin' affair is that when the normal affair is exposed, the cheater immediately sees what they are about to lose and throws OW/OM under the bus, begs forgiveness and agrees to counseling and rebuilding the marriage. Exposing the affair is more than likely the END of the affair.
Also, in normal affairs, the cheater will not suggest with a straight face that he have a girlfriend AND a wife as a logical solution for everyone to be happy!
For me, I don't want to read any more books on the hows and whys... I have read a LOT and feel I have a pretty good understanding of it. Show me the book that tells me how to get it to stop - THAT one, I'll read! LOL!
Besides, the affair is only a part of MLC. It's just the most damaging aspect so we all focus way too much on it.
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LG very good explanation, I am actually looking for some books on exposure, so I can understand that a little bit more.
Did you read anything on exposing the affairs?
Exposure does not seem to work with MLC.
But I am not understanding those people that expose and what happens in their marriages.
Thanks.
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LG
That's what I thought....so it really makes me feel like the Script is explaining MLC affairs because it goes into what happens when the H leave and how it ain't such a bed of roses...and THEY REGRET IT LIKE CRAZY....
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yeah, OP and Buggy... DON'T Expose!! It only drives them into OP's arms... them and them against the world. They are sick! Normal people sometimes have affairs because they CAN!! They are famous and others throw themselves at them... they are bored, big deal, everyone is bored and the opportunity presents itself, the excitement is in the secrecy so once it is exposed, there's no more fun. Too much to lose.
MLCers think they don't want the marriage, don't FEEL like they are married, feel ENTITLED, are propelled by FEELINGS, not logic. Think they have met their SOULMATE.... Big difference between "normal" people who just want to shake things up a little with no repercussions. Once there are consequences, the "normal" affair falls apart, sometimes from BOTH sides. The MLCer and their affair partner are SO SICK, they are addicted to the drama and pretense.
I have told my husband on multiple occasions that WE are the soulmates.... it is total bull$h!te, because, who knows... BUT, he is susceptible to what I say and we have history to back it up. That's all he needs to hear. He might think it about him and OW, but, there is NOTHING but feelings to back it up... feelings he once had for me which equals CONFUSION! Keep them confused and that is HALF THE BATTLE because OW/OM will constantly sense/hear that they might come back to you and they have no where to go but DESPERATION!! The death knell of adultery....
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Argggh... I wrote a lengthy review of Penny Tupy's e-book on exposure and NC and it disappeared....
Here is a short version..
Penny's book (SYMCinc.com) is a short "how to" on handling a spouses' A. It is a variation of Harley's Marriage Builders (Surviving Infidelity) Plan A/ Plan B without the plan A. Expose, Go NC, and work on yourself.
A's are treated as an addiction. Exposure and NC are explained, and scripts are provided for carrying out each. This was very helpful for me right after D-Day. I know exposure is not recommended for MLCers, but I am very glad I did it in the manner Penny directs. I am willing to discuss this further on my thread if anyone is interested!
Harley's "Surviving Infidelity" is good to read along with Tupy's book. His Plan A could be considered 'pursuing' but if one is careful, I believe it can have a positive Paving effect.
I am currently reading "when good men behave badly" by David B. Wexler, PhD.
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I have some other info on exposure, but will have to look for it so I can post...
I forgot to mention that in MLC affair, the "exposure" that is the beginning of the end is the exposure to the LBS.... especially if there has been gaslighting. Once the MLC affair is out in the open between the married couple, OW/OM now thinks they have got what they wanted as they think the LBS will now throw the cheater out and they will have to run to them.
When the LBS does NOT throw their adulterous spouse out, it tosses a wrench into OW/OM fantasy plans and creates doubt in them that the marriage was "over" as the cheater has probably told them. Secondly, the cheating spouse can't believe they haven't been thrown out and they wonder why not as they have been demonizing you and now you are showing mercy and grace. That creates confusion and now THEY have to make a decision whether to leave or not.
My husband has never understood why I didn't throw him out and file for D. He told me he expected me to and then "that would be that". See, he didn't want to divorce, he thought I should make that decision for him.
The next step in the pattern is that MLCer won't make any permanent decision, thus the living together WHILE STILL MARRIED that is so wildly popular with them :o yet the OW/OM soon becomes tired of their inferior status and possibly starts nagging the MLCer to get a D or she/he will break it off. Now, the MLCer is being threatened with the loss of his drug before he is ready, so often will try and appease the adultery partner by filing or talking to LBS about filing.
Do you REALLY want to expose this drama to your family and kids? In a "normal" affair, the exposure shines light on ugliness and the "normal" people don't want to live with the public shame or for their kids to know what they've done. They immediately understand the consequences of losing everything. MLCers think they are "done" with the marriage and so they don't care. They are not in their right minds and though they feel enormous guilt, I'm not sure they feel ashamed. They feel entitled... they have difficulty understanding why their kids don't want to meet OW/OM, difficulty understanding why the LBS goes NC when they are living with OW/OM, difficulty understanding why their friends think they are making a huge mistake when they are "just trying to be happy, don't you want me to be happy?"
I'm no expert, but this is what I've learned and it seems to fit so I'm putting it out there.
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This is going to be a new topic I am starting to discuss this subject here.
I am going to bring in some posts from other threads that really belong here itstead of where they are.
Then we can continue discussing.
Ok, I have to work on my merging skills but the above posts will start off this topic.
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OH NO!! I Hijacked with my comments and now I've started something.... didn't mean to do that... I feel so... exposed!
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OH NO!! I Hijacked with my comments and now I've started something.... didn't mean to do that... I feel so... exposed!
No I am the one that wants to start it, you are just along for the ride.
:) :) :)
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From LGO's thread
Thanks OP, CW, FHO, LG and all for hanging in there with me. Your commiseration/support is more valuable than you know.
I am fascinated by brain chemistry and MLC, but I know a little about exposure and will switch the topic yet again.
Back in the day, on the other board (a few months ago, which in LBS time was AGES ago) I started a thread on exposure. Those boards are down right now so I will go get it later.
I wrote it b/c I was frustrated with its' misinterpretation.
Exposure is not a willy-nilly, angry, look at poor me, shouting from the rooftops, gossip-blabbing festival for the LBS.
It is a strategically planned request by the LBS for support of the M. It should probably be renamed to "Enlisting Support".
For now, I will reiterate how I handled it. Keep in mind, I believed I was dealing with an addicted wayward spouse. That I was, however it was much later (a year) before I discovered this site and MLC, (EVEN THOUGH, H had told me he was probably in MLC) and realized I was dealing with so much more. Still, I believe the exposure helped my situation.
I hoped, but did not expect to end the A. I knew their romance was full of drama from the thrill of the secrecy that fed it. I destroyed that fantasy, and exposed them for what they were, home-wrecking adulterers to their "real lives" and more importantly to themselves. They have not been happy since.
First, I made a list of everyone we knew. I scratched off those whom I was sure would not support our M. (H has some "follow your bliss" hippie friends). Then I nixed those I was not sure of...his family and mine. I did tell my brother as I needed him for some spy work to confirm the A, and my nosy mom pried it out of me later. She supports me but loves gossip and did turn me in fodder for her own blabfest, which is why I scratched her in the 1st place. Arghh.
The handful I was left with would support the M AND would have some influence on H &/or OW.
I did not threaten or warn H of my plan. On my list was 1 person from each area of their lives: work and social groups which included Karate, happy hour, and our M social circles.
My reasons for these choices were many, but the main one was to cover myself. There would be no way I would be blamed for "Marital problems" or "going off the deep end, so he HAD to find someone new". I KNEW he would announce our separation, wait a while, and then begin introducing her around as his new squeeze. I prevented that.
My script, which I adapted from Penny Tupy's book, said, "H is having an A w/ OW. I want to repair my M and would appreciate your support. Please encourage them to end their A". I kept the convo short, no details. When I was asked "How do I know", I just said "I am sure." I didn't ask for them to talk to them, specifically. Or to really do anything. I just followed the above script tightly.
#1 was H's BF, colleague and OW boss.
#2 was the common friend of the adulterers and one they 'used' to get together.
#3 was a friend of mine. She is the state rep of the karate assoc, and wasn't sure she knew OW, but thought she might. She was the hardest. She did not believe it of OW or H. She was sure I was mistaken. She immediately called OW and demanded a confession. Ow lied to her (big no-no), so she called me back and told me I was mistaken. I told her I saw the cars in the HO-tel pkg lot together and she was now PO'd at OW for lying to her. It put big chinks in her black belt and caused lots of discomfort for them at the dojo. Honor, integrity and all that...
#4 was our car group friend. He talked to H, some sunk in but H found justifications to disregard the advice of friends. They did plant seeds however.
#5 was OW. Again, using Penny's script, in an email, I simply said, "I know you are involved with my H. I want to repair our M. Please respect our 23 year relationship and our children, and end your A with him." She got all "upset" and wanted H to rescue her from his evil wife.
Anyway, now that it was "out", their social groups were reduced to almost nil. They were ashamed but recovered with some major justification talks between them. Either way, they were now isolated without secrecy, and had to totally meet each others' needs. The fantasy of joining their lives, was shattered.
To be continued.....
Exposure
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Thanks LGO
this helps a lot....how long ago did you do this?
Butterfly & Buggy, wait for the whole story.
This was in Nov 08. 1 month after I found out about the A, and right after I threw him out the first time. It is all in the 1st post of the my story link at the bottom of my sig.
My question to you is why do you think this helped?
What do you think it did to the long term MLC aspects of this sich?
I will get to that in a minute. First I will relate the fall out of my exposure.
In the month between my discovery and tossing him out, H was gaslighting...I was falling for it...I really thought I might be nuts. It was so surreal, both of us acting totally out of character. I am usually Laid Back Lucy, not then. I have shared a lot of this w/ HB, and she never misses a chance to tease me on my spy skills...rather my lack of them! If I was a spy, I'd be dead. This really brought out monster.
The next day, I received a nasty text from H, asking me what did I think I was doing?
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Fascinating topic! For the life of me, when BD happened (BD happened when I confronted H because I discovered his affair) I could not figure out his reaction! He was so smug and defiant, like he really was entitled to this! I expected remorse and embarrassment, but that was not the case.
At the beginning, and especially when H stayed with his brother for a week, I did tell some friends and my immediate family. My head was swirling, and I really needed support. At one point, I was almost ready to contact a few key members of H's family. I felt that they would try to talk some sense into H (as if THAT is even possible). I talked to my IC about exposure, and she said the fewer people that know the better. She said especially family members should not be told because that will create more guilt and shame, making it more difficult for the MLCer to return...
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Interesting discussion. I don't have much time right now to add to it, but I will say some of what you posted resonates with me LG. The one thing I absolutely knew was that because he is having a MLC, exposure would not make any difference to him, even exposure to our kids. He doesn't really have any family I could call on for help so that was out. He recently told me it was over. I don't know what caused it to end, but I suspect OW was starting to be pushy just as I was visually and verbally demonstrating some great inner strength. He has mentioned telling others he won't be controlled. A friend suggested to me that maybe she was looking for a commitment from him before she ended her own marriage. Silly woman. She doesn't know that an MLCer won't commit or be controlled. At least my MLCer won't. That has always been my one advantage. I know about MLC, and I know him :) She also doesn't realize she's in the midst of her own MLC.
I do know that she used some emotional blackmail with him when the affair was first exposed.
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What happens when the affair is exposed ,( Flaunted ) . H living with OW? I have had no indecation even after all these months H and OW are not happy.
The affair has been public since Feb 10.
Any indecation how long before the mask starts to crack.
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My H lives with OW now although he lived at home for 2 months post bomb.
During that time OW tightened the noose and H confusion was evident as he swirled around between the old and the new. A number of times in that 8 weeks he said he would leave and then didn't. No pushing from me at that time. I am sure OW was a leader in those weeks and his fog and confusion eventually led him to leave under her influence.
Reflecting on those weeks in my opinion H wasn't sure he should go but OW had her claws in him. At times he was even nice and loving towards me!
Eventually the promise of new love and adventure won. Like all MLCers he is now depressed and sad in his 'new' life.
Hurt
There is no time frame for the cracking of the mask as each are different. But you know it is a mask.........
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I have not publicly mentioned my h's OW to anyone. If someone knows, he told them, or someone saw them out. The relationship continues, but he didn't tell anyone about her personally. One of her friends leaked the story accidentally to H's sister. He brought her over to introduce her, but she got upset about some comment and they left. Only stayed 5 minutes. His sister jokingly said," What are you doing with him?" she got upset and they left. It was meant as a brother/ sister joke.
The only other intro she got was to H's dtr. When they accidentally ran into them.
He introduced her as a friend . She said he was clearly uncomfortable, she was rude and they walked away quickly.
H has talked briefly to his two other sisters but has not admitted to seeing someone.
He has no idea they know and are waiting on him to tell them.
I find it interesting he is hiding from anyone from his past. Only takes around her friends and family. He has cut his off.
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LGO will finish her story when she can; her time has been taken up at the moment with her brother's motorcycle wreck that happened yesterday; she will return as soon as she can; but right now, she cannot concentrate on the board.
Her brother is in bad shape at the moment; prognosis at this time doesn't look good at all...but we know a God who is bigger than any situation; and I'm still praying for this to turn around.
Rest assured, she will be back to finish her story.
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Thank you for the update on LGO's brother, HB... we are all horrified that she is facing more trials at this time and many prayers are being said for her comfort.
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I am a bit confused...is someone else posting for LGO then? That would make sense given the circumstances. Or am I confusing the name acronyms?
I want to send a PM, but to whom should I send it?
Either way, I am so sorry this is happening. It really is awful. You and your brother are in my prayers.
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All posts on this thread were modified by me.
She posted some of these on her own thread earlier,
I omitted any info on her brother on her posts!
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I forgot to mention that in MLC affair, the "exposure" that is the beginning of the end is the exposure to the LBS.... especially if there has been gaslighting. Once the MLC affair is out in the open between the married couple, OW/OM now thinks they have got what they wanted as they think the LBS will now throw the cheater out and they will have to run to them.
When the LBS does NOT throw their adulterous spouse out, it tosses a wrench into OW/OM fantasy plans and creates doubt in them that the marriage was "over" as the cheater has probably told them. Secondly, the cheating spouse can't believe they haven't been thrown out and they wonder why not as they have been demonizing you and now you are showing mercy and grace. That creates confusion and now THEY have to make a decision whether to leave or not.
Will someone refresh my memory on what 'gaslighting' is?
I was reading LG's quote here, and it triggered my own memories of that time.
Just as I"ve described a few times; as my husband was different; he wanted something different, and ended up with his OW. He was drawn to her at first because of her ways that so reminded him of his mother.
She was the direct opposite of me; surprisingly he didn't treat her any different, emotionally, than he had treated me...they used each other; she made him feel "special"; but because of where he was within the crisis; he would NOT allow me to meet his needs that were ever changing within the tunnel.
I had become the enemy, the one who was "dependent" on him, supposedly "using" him for his money(yeah, like he had any to use, LOL); yet, on the other hand, he'd convinced himself that I didn't need him at all...and the list of my failings went on; at least within his mind. :)
From what I understood, as my husband went into his awakening; he looked at the whole situation, and one of the first things he saw was that he didn't love OW, he loved ME...but, then he had to figure out how to fix this, and get rid of her.
So, first he went totally clean with OW, telling her he was married; she hadn't known this before; he'd figured that once he told her that, she'd dump him like a hot potato.
It didn't happen.
Though he told her to leave me alone; she engaged in pursuing behaviors, going as far as to get our home phone number; which was listed; and start blowing up the phone at home.
I think she figured if she could get ahold of me, and tell me what was going on, I would dump my husband, throwing him out so she could have him. I was already several steps ahead of her, having been warned by the Lord that she was the one who was blowing up the phone, and I was NOT to answer; it would increase the hurt I was already feeling.
The first physical signs of the affair had already dropped; she had already tricked him into sex with her; and was still pestering him. Out of guilt, he bought her a present...that didn't work; she still wouldn't leave him alone, and he had sex with her two more times.
She figured after having lured him into her bed twice more, she'd won; that was when her 'true colors' showed themselves to him.
He was already on edge; I was one side; in full discovery, mad as a wet hen; she was on the other side pressuring him in other ways. Yet, it was me he wanted to come back to; he told her he was going back to try and work on his marriage; it made her angry; and when she said something out of the way; (I think she called me some unsavory names), that was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' for him.
He told her to not ever call him again; and made the break.....he still had a long way to go to get totally free of her as she still resided in his head and heart; this was the starting of OW Withdrawal for him.
A situation must be created that makes the MLC'er want to leave the OW/OM for good..things must be SO unsatisfactory that it causes the MLC'er to become emotionally ready to end the affair.
My own exposure to him through discovery nearly backfired on me. Although I didn't expose him to anyone that cared to know; I confronted HIM, and that was pretty bad; it caused him to go deeper within the confusion he was already experiencing; and his spewing, which was already bad, became much worse. I was instructed to back away and allow him to finish this as he was trying to end it.
I can see with a clarity that was new to me a few days ago, that I very nearly caused him to walk away at that point...and it is true; had I pushed him too much farther; I would have lost him for good; and the opposite side of the outcome would have played out...and it would have been ALL my fault for pushing him so hard.
That has been the biggest reason I have counseled patience when a MLC'er is trying to end an affair in the first go around, before 'cake eating' starts up. I know from experience that too much pressure from the LBS CAN cause a walk away, and all is lost.
Exposing the MLC'er affair doesn't do that much good if the MLC'er is bound and determined to continue to keep the affair; there are only certain times this might work; and 'cake eating'(where the MLC spouse is confused and bouncing between the OW and LBS) is one of those times....and your intuition is your best guide of any other times that may come about.
Otherwise; you have to let go, let God work within the situation, praying the "Hedge of Thorns Prayer" for the wayward/MLC spouse..asking for His Will to be done.
I do know this much; the awakening is marked by a deepening of confusion; and there may be and can be decisions that are made at that point in regards to the marriage and the LBS at that time.
The MLC'er does not see themselves as married, true; but somewhere in their heart of hearts, they KNOW the LBS means something to them; there's still a connection there...and they are still drawn BACK to the LBS, in spite of their messed up thinking, the feelings that are buried, and the connection they are fighting.
At one point in time, my husband tried his best to rid himself of our connection, and tried to get me OUT of his head and his heart...but it failed; the love he held for me was still there, although buried at that time...and I don't think he will ever be able to "purge" himself of these feelings that came back with a vengeance later on in the crisis.
I was told by someone during that time that "first loves never die"; and it was unlikely that he would ever be able to love another...I was "The One"; which means I'm the true love of his life..and no one will ever replace me in that respect.
And it is true of many marriages that go through the MLC Trial of Fire. And if the LBS is willing to follow the direction of the Lord, grow and change throughout, and TRUST in Him for the ultimate outcome, chances are, they will make it through WITH the MLC'er.
Now, conversely; God may lead the LBS OUT of the marriage when adultery is committed; as I don't profess to truly know the mind of God, I only know that He has done this before in other marriages for whatever reason...only God and the LBS involved would, know why this would be necessary; it could be for several reasons, such as physical abuse; or the MLC'er becomes a philanderer,(multiple cheater).
Rest assured, God has our best interests at heart, and if He leads a LBS out of the marriage, it is for a good reason; God takes care of His own...and for every door He allows to close, another will open with something better.
The LBS who is led out of the marriage by the Lord, must still trust in Him, and take the journey toward wholeness and healing; learning all the same lessons..and when the time is right, He will send another to the LBS, depending upon His Will; and what He has in mind.
In this latter situation directed by God, the LBS may or may NOT have to endure the crisis again; it all depends on what they have learned as a result of the first go around.
If you don't learn; you'll go through it all again...as things will come full circle right back to the beginning once again.
Yup, I know, I hijacked; but maybe this might help someone else understand how the MLC'er has trouble with trying to break the connection between themselves and the LBS..and in some ways, you WANT them to have trouble with that....you still love them in spite of all they've done.
I cannot say how much is too much damage...that is up to the individual person dealing with their MLC'er.
I also think God does His work, as well; when a situation is in danger of moving out of His Will, He will take whatever steps are necessary to right the wrongs, and move the MLC'er back toward the LBS.
I know He prevented me from leaving my husband; He couldn't make me stay with him; but I was open and receptive to His guidance; although I argued bitterly at times with the logic that He presented to me.
He always said He knew He couldn't make me stay, but after I saw the alternate path; I knew I would need to; as I'd not lost the love I still held for my husband at that time; and I, if my initial decision to leave him had held, could have consigned him to literal Hell with her.
He said there was always hope as long as I loved my husband, and He was right; He always is.
So, pay strict attention to what He tells you; IF He instructs you to expose, it is for good reason; as He knows your MLC spouse better than you ever will....and you know them well, but God knows them better. :)
There has been at least ONE situation I observed years ago; where the LBS was instructed to bring her husband before the church, following the Biblical principles; she confronted him first; and he refused to give OW up; she was going into the next part of it in regards to taking two or three witnesses to confront him. I THINK that failed, too; the next step was taking it before the church. I never knew how it turned out; I don't know if I could find that again.
She was fasting and praying about it, and the Lord was leading her into this type of exposure.
Be very careful, as exposing could backfire, if the Lord is NOT leading your steps in this. Let Him be your guide in all your ways; He really does know what is best in each individual case.
Take care.
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I'm sorry, RCR and all; I didn't mean to confuse anyone. LifeGoesOn and I had talked earlier today; and I saw her starting of her story was here about exposing the affair, and what she'd done.....I also knew people had known about her brother having a wreck; I was trying to help by posting that she would be back as soon as she could to finish what she'd started....she just can't concentrate right now with all that is happening.
You would send a PM to LifeGoesOn.
I'm sorry once again for the confusion.
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Will someone refresh my memory on what 'gaslighting' is?
From Wikapedia
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. An example is the denial by an abuser to a victim that previous abusive incidents ever occurred.
Hope that helps.
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Thanks, OP, it does help, because it happened to ME, too...my husband 'gaslighted' me..trying to make me think I was crazy; even though I KNEW what I was seeing and hearing during that time.
I was under SO much stress I nearly went crazy because of what he was saying to me in the way of lies and deceit..trying to mess with my head; telling me I didn't see and hear what I KNEW I'd seen and heard.
Looking back, I don't know HOW I managed to survive it all, other than the Lord staying with me; but I did make it through. :)
Thanks! :)
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LG--I'm a bit confused. In one post you said, don't expose, but in another post you said exposure is the beginning of the end. Are you speaking about exposure to a group of family/friends versus exposure to/by the LBS?
Just checking my understanding.
All I know is based upon my own experience. The books I've read don't deal with an MLC in particular. Also keep in mind my BD came before I knew about the OW. I think that may make a difference but maybe not. After my H lied about the affair, even when I asked him directly post BD, I was still suspicious. I confirmed my suspicions, and H knew I knew.
He defended himself saying this was just another example of why we were incompatible, blah, blah, blah. He did feel some guilt, but not any guilt towards me at the time I exposed it to him. He defended the OW to me. I gag thinking about it sometimes, but I continue to try to understand in the context of MLC. It was at this time that I verbalized my stand to him, with help from the kind people here. She also knew that I knew. Based on some things H said, I suspect she was fearful of my reaction and how I might expose it. At the same time she was emotionally blackmailing him with threats to end it and in other ways. I'm fairly certain she was painting herself as the injured party, and insinuating I was the big bad wolf to be feared for my knowledge. H was juggling, but he was sure in his mind that we were done. I think in some ways he thought the two of them would ride off into the sunset together. I'm sure it was confusing, and maybe a 180, that I was not the big bad wolf.
I also told him at this time that she did not deserve a minute of my thought.
I continued to remain as calm and patient as possible. I wasn't ignoring the facts, but I did not mention it to him except for two times. Once when I was hurting very much and another time when I told him some things I knew about the situation. On neither occasion did I say things with hate or anger. I was pretty factual. In some ways I felt that by giving it any meaning would give it more meaning to him. This is not to say that I didn't privately hurt. I did!
The affair continued for another 2 plus months. I was disappointed, but I knew the exposure would not bring an immediate end to it. I recall one morning when he was going to meet her. I reminded him that I loved him. I know we are not "supposed" to do this, but I felt it was right in my case and at that time. I also wanted to plant that seed in his head as he left.
Currently I don't think he's seen her for a month or so. I don't think he's initiated contact with her although I suspect she has tried to contact him. I don't know though. I'm not sure who ended it. I don't know why it ended at this time. My intuition tells me it was him. My intuition was telling me it was over for a few weeks before he told me. As to why, I can only guess right now based upon some characteristic patterns of OW that I've read about here.
As is typical of my MLCer in many ways his reactions are more quiet. I have been concerned that I've not seen a lot of OW withdrawal. As I wrote this out though I realized I've not seen a really loud Monster so it would be out of character, even in MLC, for him to show a lot of OW withdrawal in ways I can see. I have seen some subtle signs and quiet words of withdrawal.
I know what seemed to put an end to it in my situation is different as every MLCer is different. It helped that I understood the ways he is/was hurting. I know each of our journeys is far from done. I don't know what the outcome will be. I can only to continue to have hope but to keep my expectations low.
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Patience, it is confusing the way I wrote it... for MLC, do not expose to "the world". It only drives them together in their romantic fantasy of the against everyone. They truly feel NO remorse, only guilt, but they are still so selfish they will blame it on everyone else, namely you. My husband still tries to get me to "admit" that I CAUSED him to have the affair even though he allegedly agrees it is still his fault... :o
The exposure to LBS does break their secrecy bubble and everything you said about your husband's OW and how she was afraid you would "do something" is because they love drama and they know that is what THEY would do if you were the one cheating. Also, the husband will ALWAYS defend OW against you... it is a LOSER'S game that we can't win and very very hurtful to say the least. They honestly believe fate brought them together (excuse to cheat) and that there is "meaning" in their relationship and that it just "has to play out" which is justification for CHEATING. They are quick to rush to judgement when it is OTHER people's affairs, however. Theirs is apparently different.
You sound like you've done EVERYTHING right so far! I blew up about OW way too many times and called her well-deserved names which backfired on me as my husband said it "didn't help". Of course he claims she has NEVER said anything bad about me. Buggy pointed out that she could be sneaky in the way she does it such as "I can't believe your wife had sixteen years to appreciate you and DIDN'T!" In other words, she deserves him, not me, the horrible wife. She plants seeds, I'm sure. Probably a lot of other propaganda which justifies their neglect of the kids like maybe "kids are resilient... you'll see them more if we move in together. They can stay with us anytime" which will be over my dead body, by the way. Hope that clarifies a little!
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LG--Thanks for the kind words. I didn't include the recent incident when I called her a nasty name. It was that incident which led him to tell me it was over, but still friends. Now if we can get rid of the friends part. I'll know once she is off his facebook page. She is a hidden friend. No, I don't look at unless one of the kids posts something on his page.