[LettingGo]

The difference between an MLC affair and a regular old cheatin' affair is that when the normal affair is exposed, the cheater immediately sees what they are about to lose and throws OW/OM under the bus, begs forgiveness and agrees to counseling and rebuilding the marriage. Exposing the affair is more than likely the END of the affair.

Also, in normal affairs, the cheater will not suggest with a straight face that he have a girlfriend AND a wife as a logical solution for everyone to be happy!

For me, I don't want to read any more books on the hows and whys... I have read a LOT and feel I have a pretty good understanding of it. Show me the book that tells me how to get it to stop - THAT one, I'll read! LOL!

Besides, the affair is only a part of MLC. It's just the most damaging aspect so we all focus way too much on it.

[OldPilot]

LG very good explanation, I am actually looking for some books on exposure, so I can understand that a little bit more.
Did you read anything on exposing the affairs?

Exposure does not seem to work with MLC.
But I am not understanding those people that expose and what happens in their marriages.

Thanks.

[Buggy31]

LG
That's what I thought....so it really makes me feel like the Script is explaining MLC affairs because it goes into what happens when the H leave and how it ain't such a bed of roses...and THEY REGRET IT LIKE CRAZY....

[LettingGo]

yeah, OP and Buggy... DON'T Expose!! It only drives them into OP's arms... them and them against the world. They are sick! Normal people sometimes have affairs because they CAN!! They are famous and others throw themselves at them... they are bored, big deal, everyone is bored and the opportunity presents itself, the excitement is in the secrecy so once it is exposed, there's no more fun. Too much to lose.

MLCers think they don't want the marriage, don't FEEL like they are married, feel ENTITLED, are propelled by FEELINGS, not logic. Think they have met their SOULMATE.... Big difference between "normal" people who just want to shake things up a little with no repercussions. Once there are consequences, the "normal" affair falls apart, sometimes from BOTH sides. The MLCer and their affair partner are SO SICK, they are addicted to the drama and pretense.

I have told my husband on multiple occasions that WE are the soulmates.... it is total bull$h!te, because, who knows... BUT, he is susceptible to what I say and we have history to back it up. That's all he needs to hear. He might think it about him and OW, but, there is NOTHING but feelings to back it up... feelings he once had for me which equals CONFUSION! Keep them confused and that is HALF THE BATTLE because OW/OM will constantly sense/hear that they might come back to you and they have no where to go but DESPERATION!! The death knell of adultery....

[LifeGoesOn]

Argggh... I wrote a lengthy review of Penny Tupy's e-book on exposure and NC and it disappeared....

Here is a short version..

Penny's book (SYMCinc.com) is a short "how to" on handling a spouses' A. It is a variation of Harley's Marriage Builders (Surviving Infidelity) Plan A/ Plan B without the plan A. Expose, Go NC, and work on yourself.

A's are treated as an addiction. Exposure and NC are explained, and scripts are provided for carrying out each. This was very helpful for me right after D-Day. I know exposure is not recommended for MLCers, but I am very glad I did it in the manner Penny directs. I am willing to discuss this further on my thread if anyone is interested!

Harley's "Surviving Infidelity" is good to read along with Tupy's book.  His Plan A could be considered 'pursuing' but if one is careful, I believe it can have a positive Paving effect.

I am currently reading "when good men behave badly" by David B. Wexler, PhD.

[LettingGo]

I have some other info on exposure, but will have to look for it so I can post...

I forgot to mention that in MLC affair, the "exposure" that is the beginning of the end is the exposure to the LBS.... especially if there has been gaslighting. Once the MLC affair is out in the open between the married couple, OW/OM now thinks they have got what they wanted as they think the LBS will now throw the cheater out and they will have to run to them.

When the LBS does NOT throw their adulterous spouse out, it tosses a wrench into OW/OM fantasy plans and creates doubt in them that the marriage was "over" as the cheater has probably told them. Secondly, the cheating spouse can't believe they haven't been thrown out and they wonder why not as they have been demonizing you and now you are showing mercy and grace. That creates confusion and now THEY have to make a decision whether to leave or not.

My husband has never understood why I didn't throw him out and file for D. He told me he expected me to and then "that would be that". See, he didn't want to divorce, he thought I should make that decision for him.

The next step in the pattern is that MLCer won't make any permanent decision, thus the living together WHILE STILL MARRIED that is so wildly popular with them  yet the OW/OM soon becomes tired of their inferior status and possibly starts nagging the MLCer to get a D or she/he will break it off. Now, the MLCer is being threatened with the loss of his drug before he is ready, so often will try and appease the adultery partner by filing or talking to LBS about filing.

Do you REALLY want to expose this drama to your family and kids? In a "normal" affair, the exposure shines light on ugliness and the "normal" people don't want to live with the public shame or for their kids to know what they've done. They immediately understand the consequences of losing everything. MLCers think they are "done" with the marriage and so they don't care. They are not in their right minds and though they feel enormous guilt, I'm not sure they feel ashamed. They feel entitled... they have difficulty understanding why their kids don't want to meet OW/OM, difficulty understanding why the LBS goes NC when they are living with OW/OM, difficulty understanding why their friends think they are making a huge mistake when they are "just trying to be happy, don't you want me to be happy?"

I'm no expert, but this is what I've learned and it seems to fit so I'm putting it out there.

[OldPilot]

This is going to be a new topic I am starting to discuss this subject here.

I am going to bring in some posts from other threads that really belong here itstead of where they are.

Then we can continue discussing.

Ok, I have to work on my merging skills but the above posts will start off this topic.

[LettingGo]

OH NO!! I Hijacked with my comments and now I've started something.... didn't mean to do that... I feel so... exposed!

[OldPilot]

OH NO!! I Hijacked with my comments and now I've started something.... didn't mean to do that... I feel so... exposed!

No I am the one that wants to start it, you are just along for the ride.
 

[OldPilot]

From LGO's thread

Thanks OP, CW, FHO, LG and all for hanging in there with me. Your commiseration/support is more valuable than you know.

I am fascinated by brain chemistry and MLC, but I know a little about exposure and will switch the topic yet again.

Back in the day, on the other board (a few months ago, which in LBS time was AGES ago) I started a thread on exposure. Those boards are down right now so I will go get it later.

I wrote it b/c I was frustrated with its' misinterpretation.

Exposure is not a willy-nilly, angry, look at poor me, shouting from the rooftops, gossip-blabbing festival for the LBS. 

It is a strategically planned request by the LBS for support of the M.  It should probably be renamed to "Enlisting Support".

For now, I will reiterate how I handled it. Keep in mind, I believed I was dealing with an addicted wayward spouse. That I was, however it was much later (a year) before I discovered this site and MLC, (EVEN THOUGH,  H had told me he was probably in MLC) and realized I was dealing with so much more. Still, I believe the exposure helped my situation.

I hoped, but did not expect to end the A. I knew their romance was full of drama from the thrill of the secrecy that fed it. I destroyed that fantasy, and exposed them for what they were, home-wrecking adulterers to their "real lives" and more importantly to themselves. They have not been happy since.

First, I made a list of everyone we knew. I scratched off those whom I was sure would not support our M. (H has some "follow your bliss" hippie friends). Then I nixed those I was not sure of...his family and mine. I did tell my brother as I needed him for some spy work to confirm the A, and my nosy mom pried it out of me later. She supports me but loves gossip and did turn me in fodder for her own blabfest, which is why I scratched her in the 1st place. Arghh.

The handful I was left with would support the M AND would have some influence on H &/or OW.
I did not threaten or warn H of my plan. On my list was 1 person from each area of their lives: work and social groups which included Karate, happy hour, and our M social circles.

My reasons for these choices were many, but the main one was to cover myself. There would be no way I would be blamed for "Marital problems" or "going off the deep end, so he HAD to find someone new". I KNEW he would announce our separation, wait a while, and then begin introducing her around as his new squeeze. I prevented that.

My script, which I adapted from Penny Tupy's book, said, "H is having an A w/ OW. I want to repair my M and would appreciate your support. Please encourage them to end their A". I kept the convo short, no details. When I was asked "How do I know", I just said "I am sure." I didn't ask for them to talk to them, specifically. Or to really do anything. I just followed the above script tightly.

#1 was H's BF, colleague and OW boss. 
#2 was the common friend of the adulterers and one they 'used' to get together.
#3 was a friend of mine. She is the state rep of the karate assoc, and wasn't sure she knew OW, but thought she might. She was the hardest. She did not believe it of OW or H. She was sure I was mistaken. She immediately called OW and demanded a confession. Ow lied to her (big no-no), so she called me back and told me I was mistaken. I told her I saw the cars in the HO-tel pkg lot together and she was now PO'd at OW for lying to her. It put big chinks in her black belt and caused lots of discomfort for them at the dojo. Honor, integrity and all that...
#4 was our car group friend. He talked to H, some sunk in but H found justifications to disregard the advice of friends. They did plant seeds however.
#5 was OW. Again, using Penny's script, in an email, I simply said, "I know you are involved with my H. I want to repair our M. Please respect our 23 year relationship and our children, and end your A with him." She got all "upset" and wanted H to rescue her from his evil wife.

Anyway, now that it was "out", their social groups were reduced to almost nil. They were ashamed but recovered with some major justification talks between them. Either way, they were now isolated without secrecy, and had to totally meet each others' needs.  The fantasy of joining their lives, was shattered.

To be continued.....

Exposure