Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Hope4Us on October 04, 2010, 03:15:38 PM
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Just wanted to get people's thoughts about the differences between their H or W's midlife crisis. Sometimes it seems like the women are more apt to see their marriages to its messy end much more than the men.
Any thoughts?
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When my wife told me she was done with the marriage, she pretty much ended it the day she said it. That was 2.5 years ago. There was an OM that she had an EA with, but that's over and done with. She just says she doesn't want to be married any more.
I notice her skin has been breaking out and her hair has been thinning. She sleeps alot and has absolutely no interest in sex. Do other women have the same issues?
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Jim Conway's materials go into this a little bit. The book "Women in Midlife Crisis" has a section about a husband's MLC, and most of the rest of the book focuses on the different things that surround women's MLC. One of the differences that you will read about fairly often is that women tend to move through their MLC a little quicker than men. Obviously this is not true in every case, but it's a generalized statement you will see. In my opinion, it may be due to the way women deal with depression vs the way men deal with depression.
Regarding your wife's skin, hair, and sleep.......yes, those are all signs of stress, and directly related to MLC.
My ex-wife is in MLC and a good friend's ex-wife is also in MLC. From our experiences, here is some general info he and I have discussed......and by the way, our ex-wives do not know one another. He and I are friends, but our wives never met one another.
Both of our ex-wives filed for divorce and went through with it. Marriage counseling was attempted by both of us as well, and we have agreed that it did no good. Both our wives blamed the way they felt on us.....both said they wanted a new life.
My friend's ex-wife married the other man within six months of the divorce being final from my friend. Her current marriage has major issues and does not appear that it's going to make it, though that divorce has not been filed. After the divorce to my friend, he did not hear from her sometimes for a few months at a time. They are now in frequent contact (at least twice a week).
My ex-wife told me one time she was dating someone. She has said nothing about him since then, and I have never seen or met him. My ex-wife contacts me frequently, and there has not been a time where she has gone longer than about two weeks without initiating contact.
One thing seems true for men and women in MLC.....it takes time.
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I notice her skin has been breaking out and her hair has been thinning. She sleeps alot and has absolutely no interest in sex. Do other women have the same issues?
Yes these are all part of the 34 different signs of peri/menopause.
This is all a part of MLC.
DGU is correct that it takes a long time.
Give her as much space as possible.
Keep your mouth closed and your eyes and ears open.
As far as differences between men and women MLC's, it is hard to say since they are all pretty much the same. Each one will have small differences and their own unique flavor.
Keep reading and posting and we can try to point out what we know.
Ask questions, those are good. :) :) :)
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One thing I've noticed is that men seem to come out of the "fog" much more than women. Just a general observation. And that when the men come out of it, they are more apt to want to stay in the marriage.
Anyone with W's or a former WAW who has stayed in their marriage?
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Hi Hope4Us,
I think I know where you're coming from. You want to see that wives can come back to a marriage. I understand. I desperately want that too.
I'm a husband that is losing his wife. I'm going to mediation this month. I still can't believe it. I still wonder what happened - even though it has been nearly a year and a half for me. She means the world to me.
We can't predict the future. No other story will determine our own. We can only change who we are, learn from our mistakes and aim for what we want in the future. We can only love - and hope the rest works out for us, somehow.
We can't change the past. We need to learn from it.
There are some positive stories that I've come by:
- DontGiveUp has a friend whose wife is reconnecting.
- DontGiveUp's relationship with his own wife has grown warmer in the past few months.
- I was on another forum where a woman began posting, frantically. She 'woke up' to find herself married to another man and realized that she still loved her ex-husband. She had walked away from her whole family. Her grown sons wanted nothing to do with her. She couldn't even hold her own grandchild. It was her goal to rebuild a relationship with them. She didn't really know how it had happened her - or at least claimed not to.
- My friend's brother's wife walked away from him. A year later she wanted back. He didn't want anything to do with her.
- Another person on a forum told a story of his sister. She had walked out on her husband to be with her first love. A year later she wanted back. He has absolutely nothing to do with her - the guy that told the story said his whole family wanted them to reconcile - but her ex had basically shut the door firmly.
Hope4Us - I think this is a journey in love - with all the ingredients working in slow motion for us MLC and LBS people to savour and finally understand: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_Corinthians_13 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1_Corinthians_13)
[when I say slow motion, I mean slow motion!]
We don't know the outcome for our marriage in the end. But we do know that love triumphs.
holdingon
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How many Men are here with their wives going through mlc?
I think the men and women going through this are about equal in numbers but more lbs women seek help and "talk" about it.
I have the feeling most lbs men don't understand what's happening and just throw in the towel.
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I may leave someone out if so I am sorry but I have a mid-life mind.
Ready to Fix Myself First, Hoping For Better, Holding On, Don't Give Up, MissHer Love, Warrior Shadow, D Money, Still Standing, and Myself.
There are others that have only posted a few times. Other websites that I am on have lots of men too.
But this site is the BEST! :)
You are correct that most LBS throw in the towel.
The LBS can always do that.
They have more control than they think.
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I was wondering the very same thing. My wife has been a textbook case and until I found this site I had no idea what was going on or how to deal with it myself. If I would have taken it at face value -the 'I don't love you anymore so have to leave, but will come back for Sunday dinner as a family' routine - I may have bailed. After two years of The Change in her I liken it to dealing with a wayward teenager, you hope that it is a 'stage' and one has to be careful not to get drawn in thereby reacte which only serves to give them something to kick against. It really is a 'second puberty' and 'storm and tempest stage' as Carl Yung described it. If you love your wife enough, as I do, all one can do is stick it out and hope for the best.
I only know of two of my male friends who have been wracked by MLC. But many men I have spoken to have noticed radical emotional changes to their wives at a certain stage . Womens MLC may involve the fluctuation of hormones as their cycles fluctuate in Perimenopause leading up to Menopause proper. These are responsible for their sense of well being. For example, women may become more aggressive if their estrogen is low, when this was not in their personality before. My wife's estrogen is high meaning the opposite (in my opinion), that she cannot deal with any stress at all, tricky when I am freaking out not understanding any of what is happening to her. Yes, there may be other issues to work though (childhood ones etc) and there may be triggers, in my wifes case this started proper about the same time that her father got Parkinsons.
Testing showed three of the five major hormones in my wife were out of whack, even one out can knock them off kilter. They can be adjusted naturally, but that's another story. Men's MLC may also have a hormonal component, but lack of testosterone with age does not explain the cliche of fast toys and younger women.
We live in hope that our wives, (as a female friend who endured it said) will 'come through it'. I read however that more women file for divorce than men....
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I don't know any statistics or how it plays out. My w has been in the home for the past eight months. She does not work or has really done anything to indicate she is moving out other than study for her CPA and chat on line with her "New Love".
She has mentioned divorce a couple of times but for the most part avoids all conversation about the marriage. I know that each day she is at home buys me more time. I don't know how long her replay will last. I think that if she drops OM , that will be the first sign that replay is coming to an end.
Until then, it is a waiting game. Time to detach and let go.
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I'd have to give my husband a great deal of credit; when his MLC triggered my transition; and the tables turned on him, but he didn't walk out on me or throw in the towel. He waited, patiently for me to come through.
Sometimes he didn't understand, and sometimes he grabbed onto me when he shouldn't have; but it took a great deal of strength on his part to wait on me; not knowing how long I was going to be crabby and outright hateful.
I honestly think, during that time, he REMEMBERED what he had done to me; and figured if I were going to be good enough to stand for him; he could do no less.
I do remember him saying later that he never thought I would walk out on him; so he waited; not knowing how long it would take, but waited anyway. :)
You're right that most LBS men don't understand and walk away; but they are doing themselves a disservice when they do; it is arrogance on their part that they don't seize the opportunity for growth and change...most believing that as long as they were working and supporting their families financially, that's enough; when it is NOT the only important factor in a marriage.
Most LBS men also lack understanding of what's involved; but won't research and learn what they need to learn.
I say most, because there are men here on this board and elsewhere that DO take the opportunity to learn and grow; and they become BETTER men because of their wives' MLC.
My hat is off to you men who do this and STAND for your marriages....I'm very honored and fortunate to know you. :)
This is the making and the marking of a real man; who will stand for their marriage when they know things may not resolve in the way they would want; but love their wives enough to make that stand; and are patient enough to wait to see how it all comes out. :)
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Thanks for the responses.
It's so tough to go through.
My wife acts like we are just fine yet we are separated.
She calls, we do lunch most days,
She kisses me but won't get romantic.
She doesn't distance herself from me at all.
We get along, we joke, we take care of business.....
If it wasn't for those things I probably would have given up.
She knows I love her and I know she loves me.
I hope she gets through this OK and come out the other side.
I know she'll be better for it.
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I wanted to add something.
I've read books about getting your wife back and I understand that I needed to spend more time with her.
Sooo, I wanted to try something.
I started giving her flowers, sending cards, dropping off sweets to her at work, sending nice e mails, leaving notes for her..
I thought this could push her away but it really did the opposite.
Every time I do the types of things I would do when we were dating, she would light up!!
Does this sound like a person that wants a divorce?
BTW, the word divorce hasn't been spoken in several months now.
She used to say it was the only solution.
Her Mom got a mini barn for storage and the wife was going to put all of her stuff in it. (I'm in the house)
So far not one item has been moved and again it's been months.
I keep holding out thinking she's going through the tunnel, I'm doing my best to detach but not a day goes by that we don't
talk, usually we talk a lot too.
I hope she will believe some day that I'm head over heals for her, and I hope she'll realize that she is for me also.
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This is from a menopause website and might give some of the men insight into the mind of one menopausal woman.
For that matter, a man in MLC more than likely feels about the same way.
My pre peri stuff started in early 30's--- fatigue, adult acne, severe pms & mild insomnia which led to me going on the pill at age 33.
Just turned 40 & can tell based on last two years that it will be the decade from hell.
The light night sweats, slight weight gain, dry eyes & feelings if anxiety are more than I can take.
For last two years I have taken at least one sick day per week, irregardless if season.
One day or sometimes more a week I stay in bed all day and surf the Net. At home in bed is actually where I am happiest.
I do not have a,weight problem or any other mental problems and before my early to mid 30s would never spend a whole day in bed. It's like my life is over.
That the culture doesn't care about my condition but demands that I work, be happy, look pretty, raise children (oops forgot to have them, wasn't economically prepared...) and if I can't meet one or more if rhe standards then that's it, I'm practically a white trash has been... Let's just say most days I like to keep to myself, do a minimum of public activities including work, and have really stopped living.
It's so much stress just to keep going, and so degrading, I can't imagine how much worse things will get. Invariably they will, with or without hormones, I face a life from here on out that is,not worth living. My tone is very negative I know but what I hope for is,an early death. Like generations going back tens of thousands of years I hope to be dead at 65. That's only 25 years & I can live with that.
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OK, not really but I wonder what the similarities and differences are between women and men going through MLC.
Please Men, speak up.
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I am not an expert on this subject as I can only state from what I my own experience. The biggest difference between the men and women is that the women tend to show overt depression versus covert depression. I also think that low self-esteem plays a major factor in the women during the crisis.
In all other aspects, they tend to follow the same patters, EA/PA, same statements about needing space, the I love you but not in love with you speech, and the many other aspects of rewriting history. They also will abandon their children and have the same self-centered mindset just like the guys. Some move out of the home, others will demand the quick divorce, and other like my w stay at home and make all our lives miserable.
The only difference I have heard is that they go through the process quicker than the men. However that is just a statement I have heard and I have no facts to support this claim. OP has been at this the longest and he may offer more information on this subject.
Hope this helps!
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Ready, was your wife outgoing with lots of girlfriends pre mlc?
Did she try to meet your needs?
Did she communicate her needs with you?
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I am going to assume that since My W has been going through menopause and that has turned into a crisis at her midlife and I being the spouse I am living it with her that makes it my midlife crisis also. Other wise I do not know how to answer this question.
My W has been making a life of her own so I had started a new hobby I have basically done most things wrong most of our time together, aside from the last 3.5 years I have very few complaints about her. She has been very depressed, I am Usually a happy positive person We are both distant from each other. She is very vocal to the kids I am the dad we never get angry at kids unless directed to do so. I believe that she still loves me but not the way she used to, I love her more than anything even more than the kids The depression is the biggest thing. The W thinks that chatting online to strangers that are men is fine. I will chat very little and only if I know the person from real life and I feel that it is wrong to have constant chat with the opposite sex. The W is not willing to do counseling, I have done a lot of counseling.
There is more than I feel like writing for now. Hfb
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..and here I thought you were writing an advertisement for the hair dye.."Just For Men" LOL!!!...just a little levity to lighten up the occasion. :)
Ok, seriously,
I am not an expert on this subject as I can only state from what I my own experience. The biggest difference between the men and women is that the women tend to show overt depression versus covert depression. I also think that low self-esteem plays a major factor in the women during the crisis.
Ready is absolutely right..and I see what he's writing from my own experience...Depression was deep within me, throughout; and my own self esteem was in the toilet during my transition.
In fact, my depression got so bad; that I didn't take a bath for a month or longer..it was THAT bad; and I didn't care...I took a bath, then found myself going through another month....it seemed the harder my husband rode me during that time, the more I did NOT care.
I cannot remember when it ended; but it did..because I take regular baths, now, and have for several years.
The only difference I have heard is that they go through the process quicker than the men. However that is just a statement I have heard and I have no facts to support this claim. OP has been at this the longest and he may offer more information on this subject.
It is the same as with men; it depends on the issues/aspects that women have to face..it took me six years to navigate...I had ALOT of issues to face and settle...the only difference with me was that mine stayed a transition; and didn't become a crisis.
Remember the crisis is a personal one; an emotional and spiritual battle. It is entirely possible to go through Menopause and STILL have a hard transition or MLC.
I am going to assume that since My W has been going through menopause and that has turned into a crisis at her midlife and I being the spouse I am living it with her that makes it my midlife crisis also. Other wise I do not know how to answer this question.
It is always possible that one spouse going through transition/MLC can trigger the LBS into a transition/MLC of their own.
It happened that way with my husband; his MLC triggered my transition...I think it's the stress of dealing with the spouses MLC/Transition that brings on a transition/MLC within the LBS much faster than it would normally.
The W thinks that chatting online to strangers that are men is fine.
When I speak to the opposite sex, regardless of whether it is my husband's friends; or a couple of friends of mine that are male; I let him know about it. But, I don't do it often; really preferring to talk to him.
He has a few female friends he talks to on occasion, but I always know about that, too. And he doesn't do it often, either..preferring to talk to me.
He ALSO knows that I talk to some of the men, here on the board; but he also knows there are females, too that I talk to.
If he's not at home when I get home; I visit on the board..BUT, if he's home; you will not see me here...he gets my time; and he's more important than this board; and will always come before it.
I feel that it is wrong to have constant chat with the opposite sex.
When someone is taking the energy OUT of the marriage that should belong to the spouse; and dispensing it somewhere else, that is clearly wrong...and I see your point.
Temptation comes about when you are constantly chatting with someone of the opposite sex, when you really should be talking to your spouse; and giving them the energy you're giving the other person.
No one's friends, whether opposite sex or NOT, should EVER come before the spouse
But, remember; your wife is going through a MLC; and her perceptions are skewed at the moment; it is not an excuse, it is just the way things are; and I KNOW it's hard on you; I know it is...but you also know when/if you say something to her; she will only rebel and do it that much more.
It's wrong, I know.
I KNOW you wanted MEN, only, Rebel Yell; but I'm simply putting in my two cents worth. :)
And this may help you, also to understand some more about your wife.
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Thanks for your input. I want anyone with insight into the female mlc. To see if there are differences between the sexes or not.
I'd be disappointed if you didn't chime in.
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HeartsBlessing ((((If he's not at home when I get home; I visit on the board..BUT, if he's home; you will not see me here...he gets my time; and he's more important than this board; and will always come before it.))))
I wish for what you say here, also leaving messages on a board or most forums like this I would not consider bad as long as it is open for all to read.
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Dear Rebel,
My wife was outgoing, but the kids came first. I think that as she realized they were growing older, her feelings of self worth dropped. There are a lot of issues at play with her. I have learned a lot about myself and that I have really been to understanding and supportive of her at times. I have to learn how to concentrate on me.
It took me a while, just like the others at this site, that the MLCer has Satan at work. Satan does not get the LBSer to commit adultery or other sins. No, Satan gets the LBSer to doubt, to lose faith in everything, to question their own beliefs and faith. For Satan's goal of getting the MCLer to sin is easy, but Satan really feels good when he gets the LBSer to lose faith and quit- not just on their spouse, but to give up on the joy of life.
That is why detaching is an act of faith. It really burns old Satan and he tries to respond with spew and threats. But that is all Satan can muster. God's grace will heal you and give you strength even in the greatest of crisis. Sorry I went of on a tangent, but I had a moment and when I read HB's writings, her words inspire me and I feel the need to spread the word.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-4b8x38QAw&feature=related
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Sorry for the t/j
Satan does not get the LBSer to commit adultery or other sins. No, Satan gets the LBSer to doubt, to lose faith in everything, to question their own beliefs and faith. For Satan's goal of getting the MCLer to sin is easy, but Satan really feels good when he gets the LBSer to lose faith and quit- not just on their spouse, but to give up on the joy of life.
Thank you for this. I have had a war going on in my head for days. My thoughts were leading me down a path, away from detachment. I am convinced my H is preparing strategically to D me and take everything. All my thoughts were knocking me off my standing block, hurrying me to call my attorney. Everything I was reading and hearing was pushing me. Not in a "Oh I'm not sure if this is right for me or not", but in DO IT NOW, type of way. Then today, after praying the hedge of thorns for the umpteenth time, (were the thorns turning me away from H as well?) I heard "have faith." And then, every negative thought about my M and my H was overlaid with "faith, have faith". And then I read your comment.....Thank you....
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Tell me if this sounds plausible.
A man's needs tend to by physical and a woman's tend to be emotional.
So a man is more likely to have a PA and a woman a EA.
Signed,
Captain Obvious
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Makes sense
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An article for the men left behind by this crazyness...
Think it's only middle-aged men who buy superbikes, and take young lovers? Meet the WOMEN having midlife crises too
At first glance, it bears all the hallmarks of a classic male mid-life crisis: there’s the spouse, abandoned for a younger Spanish lover; there’s the high-flying career, ditched for a ‘journey of discovery’ around the world; there’s even the Harley-Davidson, bought to help escape the confines of a marriage that had gone stale.
There’s just one key difference. The person hitting the road on a motorbike in a quest for adventure was not a man, but a woman.
For Lucy Valantine, 47, it was the feeling that there must be more to life that prompted the ‘male’ mid-life crisis, complete with the above symptoms.
Wild one: Lucy Valantine chucked in her old life for a toyboy with a Harley-Davidson
‘I know it sounds like a cliche, but I was desperate to break out of my marriage and do something exhilarating,’ she recalls. ‘For three years before I left my husband I had growing feelings of doubt which, in the end, I just couldn’t ignore.
‘It was a terrifying process to leave behind everything I knew. To give up my marriage, my job and my way of life. But I couldn’t continue as I was. I knew I wanted something different and I had to go out there and find it.’
So Lucy left Mark, her husband of five years, and their picturesque cottage in Hampshire to embark on a year-long adventure that would lead her to a new life, in a new country, with a new, younger lover.
She is not alone in her quest for a new beginning in mid-life. What was once seen as the sole preserve of the middle-aged man is becoming increasingly common among women, who view it as a chance for a new beginning or an opportunity to recapture their youth.
Figures published this week revealed that women tire of their marriages far sooner than men, growing steadily unhappier than their husbands the longer the union continues, with the crunch point often coming in middle age.
The trend has been fuelled by the popularity of Elizabeth Gilbert’s best-selling book Eat Pray Love. It was turned into a major Hollywood film last year, starring Julia Roberts, and tells how the author left her husband in her mid-30s to find fulfilment on a journey of self-discovery through Italy, India and Indonesia.
Now, inspired by the story, increasing numbers of women are following suit. And whereas once it was wives who were left behind to cope with the practical and emotional fall-out, now often it is husbands who are left struggling to cope as their wives suddenly change their looks, their hobbies or their relationships.
Specialist websites such as midlife club.com, which were set up to offer support and consolation to women struggling to adjust to their husband’s mid-life crisis have now had to broaden their remit to help men cope with a wife’s version.
Among the advice and forum pages, filled with tales of male confusion and turmoil, it offers an explanation for the female mid-life crisis by medical practitioner and author Dr Eva Bell.
Toyboy: Lucy Valantine and her new boyfriend Antonio
‘Husbands may also be passing through their own mid-life crises, and are like irritable hedgehogs,’ explains Dr Bell. ‘Or, in a reversal of roles, they become overly dependant on their wives.’ Either way, Dr Bell says women begin to feel trapped.
‘A woman may feel that life is passing her by. “Who am I?” “Does my life count for anything?” An inexplicable loneliness overcomes her as though she has no real self-identity.
‘Conscious of her gradually fading beauty and energy, she sinks into depression. This feeling of worthlessness is compounded if there is marital dissatisfaction.’
It is against this background that many women seek to change their lives, embarking on what Dr Bell describes as a ‘second emotional adolescence’.
Often that means leaving behind a stale marriage. Women instigate seven out of ten divorces according to statistics, and with an estimated 30 per cent of marriages collapsing in mid-life, the female mid-life crisis carries a heavy toll.
The question is: are the women who seek to escape just being supremely selfish, or a little courageous for seeking an alternative to a dull relationship and mundane home life?
For as relationship coach Francine Kaye, author of The Divorce Doctor, points out: ‘Until relatively recently, most middle-aged women stayed within the mould, even if they were bitterly unhappy — and accepted it as their lot in life.
‘Nowadays, a mid-life crisis has become much more commonplace among women. In fact, it’s often not a crisis at all but more an identity issue; a wake-up call when women start to question what they really want from life.’
That was certainly the case for Lucy Valantine. The catalyst for making radical changes to her own life was the news, in 2003, that her mother had terminal ovarian cancer. Lucy was 38.
Crisis: Lucy thought there must be more to life after five years with her husband Mark
‘We pulled together as a family to care for her and support each other,’ says Lucy, who worked as a management development trainer. ‘But it also had the effect of forcing us to look inwardly at how truthful we were being in our own lives.’
Lucy admits that, on the surface, she and Mark looked like the perfect couple — yet she found herself battling feelings of profound turmoil.
‘I remember sitting in my London flat thinking about Mum, thinking about life, thinking I’d soon be turning 40, and what had I achieved?
‘I questioned how happy I was in my marriage. Were we man and wife, or more like brother and sister? I had become acutely aware that I had been pushing away doubts about our relationship.
‘I started to realise I actually could, and would, do the unthinkable: I would leave my safe existence, my great job, my marriage, family and friends, and take a year out to travel round the world on an adventure.’
The couple didn’t have children — Lucy says she had never felt particularly maternal — and any thoughts of having a family were eclipsed by her burning new desire to break free.
When, a year after her mother’s diagnosis, Lucy broke the news that she was leaving him, Mark was devastated. But as far as Lucy was concerned, there was no going back. She told her mother about her plans before her death in 2005, and was relieved to receive her blessing.
Lucy’s next 12 months were packed with what she calls ‘life-enriching experiences’. She had a tattoo done on her stomach of shells and seahorses with the words ‘Live Life’.
Then she bought a Harley-Davidson motorbike and spent five weeks riding through France and Spain. She then returned to the UK before going to Costa Rica to work as an English teacher.
New man: Lucy met Antonio, 34, in the Spanish city of Granada in 2007 where he was the assistant director in a bank
Lucy’s adventure cost several thousand pounds, funded by the sale of the house she and Mark had shared, and the division of their assets.
Next she went to Mexico, then spent five weeks in Zambia helping in an orphanage, did a tour of Australia and New Zealand by motorbike, and spent three months teaching English in China before catching the Trans-Siberian railway across Mongolia and Siberia.
Lucy says hitting the open road was liberating, but did she have any regrets about the husband she left behind?
‘Half way through my trip, I was in Africa when my sister sent a message saying my divorce had come through,’ she says.
‘Until then, with all the excitement of my adventures, I’d not thought much about it. But as I stood on the banks of the Zambezi River, poised to cast my wedding ring into its waters, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and disappointment that things hadn’t worked out. Had we tried hard enough?
‘But I’d made my decision. It had been the most awful and difficult decision of my life, but I’d followed it through and now I was moving on.’
Lucy’s journey finally led her to the Spanish city of Granada in 2007, where she met new boyfriend Antonio, a 36-year-old assistant director in a bank. She has since set up and runs a travel business there called Go Granada!, dividing her time between Spain and Hampshire where she lives with her sister.
‘It’s been a long and emotional rollercoaster ride,’ she explains. ‘Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if Mark and I were still married. But, no, I have no regrets.
‘Mark is with someone else now — they have a baby and I am happy for him. I tried to follow the conventional path, but it is only now that I feel I have discovered who I really am.’
Harley: More women are having a mid life crisis and doing something radically different - in the way many men do
It’s a phrase that Francine Kaye knows only too well. As a relationship coach she works to save marriages, but admits even she wasn’t able to salvage her own when she got her ‘wake-up call’ at the age of 35. ‘Its like you suddenly realise you’ve been wearing the wrong clothes and they don’t fit any more,’ she admits.
‘I’d been married since I was 19 and we had two children, aged five and eight. But once I hit my late 30s, I wanted to know what else life held.
‘For me, it was about realising my ambitions. So I started a counselling diploma. I think my husband and I both knew our lives were taking different paths, but we didn’t know what to do about it.
‘While I was questioning what I wanted to do in my life, my husband was having an affair with another woman, then it was too late.’
Yet despite the temptations and pressures that a mid-life crisis may bring, for some women it doesn’t automatically herald the end of their marriages. There are other things they seek to change about their life.
By her own admission, 47-year-old Rochelle Peachey is in the middle of a typically ‘male’ mid-life crisis. She’s started dressing far too youthfully for her age and has taken to driving a Harley-Davidson.
Her friends wide eyed amazed – just think she is crazy.
If some are tempted to judge or react with horror, she just doesn’t care. In fact, it’s part of the appeal.
The bike cost me £12,500, and I feel like a young girl again when I am riding it,’ she says. ‘I love the shocked reaction from people when I turn up at meetings in my leathers.’
More surprisingly still, her transformation comes with her 48-year-old husband Phil’s blessing. Indeed, the couple, who have two sons aged 25 and 18 and live in Pinner, Middlesex, joke that they’re having a mid-life crisis together.
‘Phil and I are determined to grow old disgracefully together, and our relationship has never been stronger,’ she says. ‘He has bought himself a Jaguar sports car and I have my Harley. Buying it just seemed such a wild and fun thing to do, though my sons were horrified.’
For his part, Phil says: ‘I love the fact that Rochelle is re-inventing herself. We work together at the “keeping it fresh” thing, and I think the mid-life crisis is a blessing to any long-term marriage as long as, like us, you face it together.’
Or, as Dr Bell puts it: ‘A good husband will not only be emotionally supportive of his wife, but also give her the space she needs to develop her sense of self-worth.’
Yet any man who turned that phrase around to suggest that a ‘good wife’ should allow a husband having a mid-life crisis ‘to explore his sense of self-worth’ would be branded a hateful misogynist.
Yes, more and more women may be having a traditionally ‘male’ mid-life crises. But whether that makes them any less self-indulgent or immature than their male counterparts is another matter altogether.
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I'll be honest; this made me feel a bit sick. Reading the line about her saying "well, I made my decision, there's no going back" and casting her wedding ring away.
It makes me wonder if my H only now feels that he has found "who he is", and the rest doesn't matter. The bit about "wearing the wrong clothes" also sticks.
Is there a double standard? If it's a woman do we, female LBS, still think "well, it's OK, she must fulfull her potential?"
I have a female friend in MLC, who kicked out her husband, saying that he was what was wrong with her life, that their girls would be OK, that she wanted more our of life, all that. I pull no punches with her; and tell her what I think.
And know another woman here locally who kicked her husband out about 6 years ago, basically because she wanted the grand passion and he wasn't it. They have two children, and share them. He has now found someone else and has a new baby, she did fine her passion, but he ended up dumping her, and she also went through treatment for cancer. Now it seems that the disease may have spread.... not good. From what I hear she is wondering what on earth she chucked him out for; saying that had she known about the cancer she wouldn't have done so....
I went through a thing when I was young, 18-24, where I was going down a very different path in life. I came to my senses and went back to who I really was; in the process I left a man (well, boy); it wasn't nice, but I definitely had no regrets, and cut all ties completely. Everyone I knew was hugely relieved. But I didn't try to make it about him; I just was firm. That wasn't MLC per se, it was me having had a very hard time at 18 or so, and running away then. That boy was my "alienator", if you will, except that it wasn't at midlife. I had left my life, then came back to it 6 years later.
Boy, this stuff makes your head swim.
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Bewildered,
Thanks for the post. It is disgusting to read but in the end pretty much the truth (as I see it anyway).
This is my first post here but I have been reading for some time. As a male LBS who has been on the receiving end of my Ex's MLC for roughly 4 years now, I can say without hesitation that there is a script each MLCer reads and adheres-to. I see so many women on this site walking in the same painful path that I followed (that ultimately led to divorce and my Ex marrying her OM) and it is painful to witness. We all want our spouses back but, in my experience, only a small percentage of MLC-affected marriages are saved. Miracles do happen but my advice here would be to hope for the best but prepare for the worst - since that is what is most likely to occur.
My heart goes out to all the LBS' out there.
Beenthere
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As a male LBS, I'll give my perspective on this story.....it doesn't bother me too much. It's bad from the perspective of what happened to a marriage, but here's some things that stick out to me......
I'm sure she was in a midlife crisis....the age is there and a traumatic event is there with the death of a parent....the common signs if you will. I don't believe that she has no regrets.
Her marriage was a 5 year marriage.....it's possible the MLC was already brewing.
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I felt sick reading this story as well...perhaps because it frightens me that my Beloved truly wants something totally different (well duh, that's exactly what he's doing..no marriage, no responsibilities just me, me, me).
Now, inspired by the story, increasing numbers of women are following suit.
I think it is very sad but true that we are following the media and what actors and actresses are doing and believe that to be the norm.
I have read somewhere, that marriages that were in trouble, that 5 years later the people who stayed together were happier than those who divorced....in past years, couples stuck it out..and perhaps got through these transitions without running away from their problems.
Hey, I'm all for finding yourself and living your life and exploring...I never stopped my Beloved from pursuing anything that he was interested in....I supported all his career moves..somehow you'd think that they could find themselves without destroying their families.
I see this as being selfish but then I also see this as their inability to tolerate being with the LBS..they can't help it. My H told me that perhaps he could be with me in our large home but the idea of living together in a small apartment, he could not tolerate...seems being close to me at all caused him tremendous angst. That hurts me so much, but if that's how he truly feels then he must be free of me.
I hate MLC!!!!!
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have read somewhere, that marriages that were in trouble, that 5 years later the people who stayed together were happier than those who divorced....in past years, couples stuck it out..and perhaps got through these transitions without running away from their problems.
I have heard that too - that people who were polled as very unhappy in the marriage but who stuck it out five years later when they were polled said they were happy.
I hate MLC!!!!!
Amen.
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I've heard that poll also and have read about it.
It's a good poll.....and I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.....but I believe that MLC and an unhappy marriage are two different issues.
Oh.....and MLC still sucks.
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How about this comment from the Marriage Counselor....
‘While I was questioning what I wanted to do in my life, my husband was having an affair with another woman, then it was too late.’
What do you think her "attitude will be in regards to MLC? Move on, forget about your marriage... it's toast!
The older couple with the Harley and Jaguar, I don't think they are mid life, I think they have grown children and said... yahoo, time to be wild. They aren't hurting anybody.
Definitely makes me feel squeamish! Interesting article Bewildered.
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The article saddened me, too. The part of standing at the river with her wedding ring and "no turning back". I guess we can all picture our spouses doing and thinking the same thing.
In fact, someone's H on this forum did go to a river and the OW through their wedding band it in......the MLC'er later regretted it.
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My wife is definitely following this line of thinking.
She thinks that our path is splitting up and she will have to be on her own because
she has to be faithful to becoming whom she was meant to be. (I don't know
what her affair has to do with this :o)
I said, "Hey, I will hop off mine and go with you since I am not that serious about
following mine." She thinks I am not taking my life seriously and she doesn't want
to be with a person like that.
I remember when Joseph Campbell said, "Follow your blessing" we thought it was so cool.
But now I am getting tired of those who take their lives too seriously. I think "Follow your
blessing" should come with a qualifier, "as long as your actions don't destroy your family and
the happiness of others etc..."
I think MLCers fall into self-indulgence in the name of following their blessing.
I believe the maturity will come when she can discern the difference between the two.
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I've heard that poll also and have read about it.
It's a good poll.....and I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.....but I believe that MLC and an unhappy marriage are two different issues.
True. I get your point, but if you were to poll me now about the state of my marriage, I would have to check the "deeply unhappy" box and it is because of MLC. You never know what is going on in marriages to make people unhappy.
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Oh.....and MLC still sucks
yes it does, yes it does.
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I found the article thought provoking too. I watched the movie 'Eat, Pray, Love' and have felt a little like the husband she let go in that movie. I listen to a podcast from the BBC that reviews movies. The broadcaster had a bit of a rant about that movie - critiquing the main character asking what she really had to complain so much about ... what was really troubling her in her life, and oh - big deal she went to Italy and discovered pasta. He calls it 'Eat, Pray, Love, Vomit'.
It's an interesting movie/story, I thought - maybe offered me a bit of insight. I've heard the word 'narcissistic' used when others have talked about it.
I've been thinking a lot about my history and our relationship. Identifying more things that I wish that I had done differently, wishing I'd made other decisions. I just needed more communication about what she wanted. I would have liked to meet the needs I didn't meet.
I've also come to realize that this was a ticking bomb, and that I was in some ways stupid not to see that it could happen from early on. I still believe that in my wife's case, this has an awful lot to do with her relationship with her father.
I'm the sort of person that finds it hard to forgive them-self - so the monster spew has been particularly effective on me. This is all part of my journey too. Knowing what I know now ... would I have even married her? It would have meant I wouldn't know my sons. It's a good job we can't go back in time, because I think we'd only create more questions than answers.
Trustandlove wrote something on Still's thread which really resonated with me. She wrote this:
Regarding your younger children: mine were 10 when he left; my line has been "Daddy was unhappy and chose to leave rather than work out how to be happy with us".
And that's how I feel. My wife was unhappy. I'm sure that she was unhappy with me for some things. But in the balance of things, I'm absolutely certain that I deserved a chance to understand and fix any mistakes that I made. We have/had a lovely home, two beautiful children, good jobs, our health and a lot of opportunities for fun as a family and with other people. We'd traveled far together, literally and metaphorically. I'm sure that I listened to her, I tried to help her many times with her concerns. Although I felt weary too - because she was distancing herself even before BD if I think back.
Anyway - if you can't be happy with the life we had, then what would it take. It is unreasonable to blame your unhappiness on one person. And like Trustandlove says - the truth is this: my spouse was unhappy and chose to leave rather than work out how to be happy with us one family.
In addition, it wasn't enough just to leave, she had to blame me for her leaving. My theory - she thinks she can focus all the hurt and unhappiness she has held onto during her life on me, and walk away from it by walking away from me. I'm not so sure life works that way.
The women in the article, and for the author of 'Eat, Pray, Love' left because they were unhappy and could see no way out of it with the person they were married to.
About a year into this, I asked my wife - calmly - how she could just throw away my love. It is the only time I've seen her cry, or almost cry about this. She got angry at me quickly though. She yelled at me 'does it make you feel better to ask that!?'. It was yet another confusing reaction that I was unprepared for, but no, I didn't want to make her cry.
I just wanted to understand.
It was clear from her reaction that she did too.
BNW
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Here's another one where the Woman leaves her children.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/the-opposite-of-a-tiger-mother-leaving-your-children-behind-2460982/
A few ugly highlights:
Her boys are teenagers—and, she says, they're fine. In fact, their relationship not only survived her leaving, but "has improved." "I had to leave my children to find them"
"It took me about a year to decide once the idea came to me"
I have the unique opportunity most women don't get to have, of being able to truly create the life I wish to have,...
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Lets see, I'm so screwed up I think I'll screw up my kids too. Real mature, eh?
Personally, I hope their legs grow together. Rant over!
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And the movies and articles like this one.... VALIDATE this behaviour. They actually made it sound CREDITABLE!
Freaks me out....
hugs Stayed...
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Hello MEN!
I have a question, did your wives refuse to ever do any work on the marriage to improve it?
Did she read any books, watch any videos or listen to audio books? Did she talk about any
issues she had concerning your relationship?
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Hello MEN!
I have a question, did your wives refuse to ever do any work on the marriage to improve it?
Did she read any books, watch any videos or listen to audio books? Did she talk about any
issues she had concerning your relationship?
Yep... and I knew before showing here you can't make someone either... She also said from day one... there was not a problem with the marriage. She has said from day one it was a problem with her. She wanted to change her and how she felt about her at the cost of the marriage and the family.
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Rebel
My wife was more than willing, before MLC, to do the things that would strengthen us as a couple. It didn't necessarily involve the specific things you mention....books, videos, etc. However, there were some specific things we did that were very beneficial. For example, if we had a decision to make about something, we would often go for a long walk to talk about it away from other distractions. Just the two of us, and typically we would walk 3 or 4 miles and discuss it.
We were also part of leadership of a marriage enrichment organization. Can you feel the irony?
MLC is a whole different animal from a specific marriage issue. My wife and I communicated well until MLC hit. I think because of that, I am very very familiar with the issues that she is dealing with as part of her crisis. Her being in crisis is not a total shock to me now because I clearly know many of the childhood/development factors she is dealing with.
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Rebel,
I can't say that she (or me) tried to work on the marriage, other than mentioning that we needed more time together over the years. ( she worked nights and i worked days).
I will say though for about a year before BD, I did notice a change in her as her anger was more frequent and we did a lot of discussing on how to improve the marriage like "date night" once a month, we took a trip for 4 days to the cape with S1 during that time, got a nice hotel and dinner another time, took a over night trip to salem MA, ( the house of seven gables and all that witch nonsense took place there). But you know, I just don't think she really enjoyed any of that the way she thought she would as she may have just been entering her crisis. She had the "need" to get away with me, but I don't think she was feeling the true romance of it all.
During our marriage my ex had a big problem with leaving the kids for any amount of time with some one ( relatives) unless it was for a wedding or function. She also ALWAYS complained when we went out to eat about the bill! and never would order what she really wanted! I did! LOL, It was tough to make her happy and as DGU mentioned, I know now it was her upbringing. She had a hard time accepting nice Christmas gifts from me as if she felt she didn't deserve it! I always told her to just please smile and say thank you.
I would have to say yeah, she saw other people "doing" things and wanted the same but she could never really pull the trigger on it but would discuss/compare our marriage/lives to others. I always thought and told her everybody does that and we may not have more than Mr jones over there but we do have more than Mr. Smith over there! Lol We once went to Disney Land with the two youngest and she just couldn't enjoy it! Yeah, Disney is expensive! Lol. I had no problem spending money and always had the attitude you only live once! Lol
Probably got off track here, but no, never did she/we read books or tapes etc, SHE would read all kinds of romance novels though and I think she believed them! Lol
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No, and in fact she made it clear that she was unwilling to do anything that might save the marriage. The only things she ever read we're People magazine and such, and I think that was just to validate what she was planning to do.
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Hi Rebel - before the MLC all the time. Once BD hit - nadda. Would not take part in anything that I would say was constructive. Same as Thundarr - only instead of People magazine it was InStyle lol. In fact in the months before BD she was constantly telling me how happy she was...
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Hello MEN!
I have a question, did your wives refuse to ever do any work on the marriage to improve it?
Did she read any books, watch any videos or listen to audio books? Did she talk about any
issues she had concerning your relationship?
Wife has never finished much of what she has started in her life. Only book she read was on "borderline personality disorder" for explanation of herself. She spoke of only 2 issues: not having couple friends and that I was not as interested in the party lifestyle. She would not try to win over couple friends (work friends and their husbands) at all due to her "tell it like it is" approach to life. These are really excuses to explain what she is doing of course. She never cared for at least 8 years of our marriage. The past 3 have been complete opposite.
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By the way, After BD the ex would not go NEAR anything I proposed to work on the marriage except to two MC classes ( which her mother talked her into). During the second session the MC told her she was "WAY out of bounds txting a 21 year old kid" I found literally hundreds of txts from her and him. nothing sexual but the times were from 10 pm til 2 or 3 in the morning. While I was in bed!
After the second session she stated to me she did not like the MC and that was it - done. I tried to point her in the direction of MLC but even to this day she will not look at or seek any type of help. I sent her a few articles from psychology today about how people do reconcile and got nothing but a laugh!
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No Rebel, we talked constantly, we saw each other at night, we talked during the day on the phone, we were in constant communication, I saw a change and inquired, then boom, all gone. She disappeared, hid, stopped all communication other than cursory answers to inquiries.
She didnt want to work on anything, because she had found her true love. I was the mistake.
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Did she talk about any issues she had concerning your relationship?
Jan 2010 three week family holiday in NZ, wonderful. She didn't tell me there were any issues. She wasn't unhappy. Back at home we were still going out for dinners, date nights, chatting, meals together at home.
May 2010 she works abroad Mon-Fri. At weekends she comes home and we still do the things we have always done but I start to notice subtle changes in her. By August 2010 I was very concerned. Asked her some questions over the phone while she was abroad. Received an answer that I never in a million years thought I would ever get.
Said she was confused, said she needed her own space, said it was her not me. Said she had discovered herself. Had no intention of shacking up with the OM etc etc.
December 4th 2010 she vanished to other country and live with OM. We haven't exchanged a single word, email or phone call since. She works with OM and lives with OM. She has less "space" now than when she was married.
So no, she didn't discuss any issues with the marriage. She didn't point to anything I had done to cause her behaviour. She just ran away. The children ignore her attempts at contact, she doesn't see them.
It was sudden and shocking. It has been like a bereavement.
honour
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Thanks for the answers. I was mostly wondering about working on things before MLC. Looks like that
has nothing to do with anything. I thought maybe it was a personality trait.