Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Mermaid on October 23, 2013, 04:49:51 AM

Title: How have you changed?
Post by: Mermaid on October 23, 2013, 04:49:51 AM: Some of us have been here for a long time now. We've been through hell and back. We did everything wrong before we started doing things right.

I realise that most oldies have changed a lot since the start of MLC. I don't want to focus on our MLCers here, we do too much of that, but on ourselves.

How have we changed?

Personally, I feel stronger, more independent, more decided about my future (even though I don't know what the future will bring), more confident, and strangely, more capable of loving in a compassionate way, without the neediness or resentment that I had.

I don't say that the anger and other negative feelings have disappeared altogether, but they've faded. I recognise that they have no place in the wise woman I would like to become.

What about you?
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: in it on October 23, 2013, 06:09:40 AM: I don't think I've changed that much. I was always pretty straightforward, independent, and solved my own problems mostly.

I still have "trigger" trouble: but learning how to deal with that also.

All of this hasn't left me bitter. I'd still like to have an honest open relationship with a man. I DO believe it's possible.

Hoping I'm not chasing a unicorn.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Thunder on October 23, 2013, 06:40:46 AM: I've changed in many ways!

I was never an active person but when all this started I had to relieve some stress so I started walking on the treadmill. Continued walking outside when the weather was good and have walked every day since.
Then I picked up some weights and started using the.
I've not only lost weight but I look and feel better than I have in years. My confidence level has skyrocked!

I also learned so much about myself. My "real" self. Not me as a couple, but me as a person. I have not been single in 30 years. I know now what I want and don't want out of life and a relationship.

Biggest thing was seeing my family as a support. I always loved them, and knew they loved me, but I never realized how truly important it is to have a loving family during not only the good times but the worst times, too.
I am blessed to have them in my life.

My x has no family. My family was his family and I feel sorry for him. He not only gave up on me, but he threw them away, too. Big loss for him.

My journey continues, but so far I'm making some wonderful changes in my life.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: the_little_bee on October 23, 2013, 08:20:30 AM: Totally agree about the family Thunder. I knew theoretically mine were loving and supportive, but they have been amazing, I've never been so grateful to have them. In particular my sister has been an angel. Even tho it's only a few months I am so much closer to them than I have been in years - a positive change I think.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Standing in Patience on October 23, 2013, 10:52:45 AM: This is one thing that I have been thinking about a lot.

Clearly, family relationships are the issue here from the get go. I have to say I have been working on this aspect of my being and I have made lots of progress. I have been the family glue for years keeping both sides of the family involved, happy and in turn then they have also been supported.

Many on both sides of our family just shake their head wondering how my mlcer could conceivable abandon this family.

:o
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Breakingthecycle on October 23, 2013, 11:46:16 AM: I would like to say that I am no longer agoraphobic but I'm not sure if that us possible, maybe I am a recovering agoraphobic would be a better description. I no longer say I won't do something, never say never. I might not attempt something today but I will not say I won't ever try it. A big thing for me.

Still working on the rest...........
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: superdog on October 23, 2013, 01:43:05 PM: I think that I am still who I always was only better :-)

I have loved my life pretty true to myself, warts and all. It's only really in the last 5 years I have accepted those warts and decided that I can live with them.

Mlc has probably made me step back from people in general, but not in a bad way. I was a typical fixer but now I know to let a person help themselves and make it easier to ask me if they need me. I will need to relearn that in a different way when my children become more independent.

I fear absolutely nothing now, I did before. I learned to like my own company but still don't like it for prolonged periods. But that's me!

I still get angry at my h at least once a week but chose my battles now. I do still carry resentment towards him and that will take a lot longer to get past. May have been different if he had not lived here. That will happen when it's time to happen for me I won't rush it otherwise I won't be ready and it will be still in there somewhere.

If we has too much to change then I firmly believe we would be the ones in mlc because we would have been living the lie that they have all these years.

SD
X
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Anjae on October 23, 2013, 08:10:17 PM: I have both changed and not changed at all. After BD and for a long while I felt odd and not really myself. I wanted to save the marriage, wanted Mr J back, the whole normal LBS stuff.

Except that is not me. I'm a distancer and, usually, pretty detached. If a relationship is not working I just walk. So, I was very surprised to see myself wanting to save a relationship. Even if that one was my marriage.

I had also lost parts of me since BD and had completely got away from things I used to love because they were memories of the time with Mr J (I had know him all my adult life since I'm 18, prior I was either a child or a teen).

Now I'm much more like I was when younger, detached, went back to do things I used to like and even managed to get back to stuff from those 20 years together without a problem.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Trustandlove on October 23, 2013, 10:12:45 PM: I started writing reams, then realised that it could be said succinctly:

I've looked at some of my behaviour and changed what I haven't liked. I've also dealt with a lot of surface anxiety and insecurity. I'm the same in my core, but I'll go out on a limb and say that I think I'm a better person than I was.

Perhaps it's called growing up?
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Mermaid on October 29, 2013, 10:35:55 AM: Quote from: Trustandlove on October 23, 2013, 10:12:45 PM

I've looked at some of my behaviour and changed what I haven't liked. I've also dealt with a lot of surface anxiety and insecurity. I'm the same in my core, but I'll go out on a limb and say that I think I'm a better person than I was.

Perhaps it's called growing up?

I think that's exactly what happens when we learn to deal with this... we grow up some more. Not a bad thing.

Quote from: Anjae on October 23, 2013, 08:10:17 PM
Now I'm much more like I was when younger, detached, went back to do things I used to like and even managed to get back to stuff from those 20 years together without a problem.

Do you regard that as a good thing? Do you enjoy doing those things? I found that I did the same, and revisited parts of myself I thought I'd left behind, and then integrating them into my life now. This is a good thing, I think I'd started conforming to other people's expectations too much.

Quote from: superdog on October 23, 2013, 01:43:05 PM
I fear absolutely nothing now, I did before. I learned to like my own company but still don't like it for prolonged periods. But that's me!

I still get angry at my h at least once a week but chose my battles now.
You sound like me... I didn't use to like being by myself, now I look forward to it. I love company, but it's important to accept ourselves and be happy with our own company too.

Quote
If we has too much to change then I firmly believe we would be the ones in mlc because we would have been living the lie that they have all these years.

I don't know if I believe this. We can change and grow, without going into a crisis.

Quote from: Breakingthecycle on October 23, 2013, 11:46:16 AM
I would like to say that I am no longer agoraphobic but I'm not sure if that us possible, maybe I am a recovering agoraphobic would be a better description. I no longer say I won't do something, never say never. I might not attempt something today but I will not say I won't ever try it. A big thing for me.

Those sound like huge changes, well done! How did you do it?

Quote from: Thunder on October 23, 2013, 06:40:46 AM
I've changed in many ways!

I was never an active person but when all this started I had to relieve some stress so I started walking on the treadmill.

I also learned so much about myself. My "real" self. Not me as a couple, but me as a person. I have not been single in 30 years. I know now what I want and don't want out of life and a relationship.

These are the things I was thinking about when I posted this thread. Although I haven't had much time alone, having a CB, I did face thinking about myself as an individual rather than as part of a couple. This strengthens us, if we can accept who we are by ourselves, and do things to look after ourselves.

I used to cry and want to be rescued from all this pain, then I learnt to rescue myself. With a little help from my friends, of course.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: JD on October 29, 2013, 12:07:57 PM: Like many have, I have changed in similar ways. Happy in my own company, content in my own skin, my core intact but behaviors and attitudes that did not serve me well gone, and exchanged for better.
One thing that has changed in a most significant way is that there is now a piece of me that is untouchable and unshareable but with God.
That is a part of me now no one will know.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Breakingthecycle on October 30, 2013, 01:53:23 AM: Mermaid, I think I knew that things had to change, that they couldn't go on as they were. I went to see a psychologist who seemed to want to work on the marriage side of things. I didn't want that, to me that seems like a secondary problem so I stopped seeing him and googled madly and came upon a website, sponsored by the government that had a programme you can work through at your own pace. Online support and Counselling via skype is also available but I didn't use that.

Actually understanding why my body was reacting the way it did was a huge help, I could rationalise what was happening. And then slowly self confidence began to be built, piece by piece, and gradually I was attempting more and more.

I told H the other day that I will wait for him but not sit still and wait for him, I need to keep challenging myself, even if it is in small ways. I have missed out on a lot of small things that many people take for granted and I mean to make up for lost time!
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Mermaid on October 30, 2013, 02:20:08 AM: Quote from: Breakingthecycle on October 30, 2013, 01:53:23 AM
I told H the other day that I will wait for him but not sit still and wait for him, I need to keep challenging myself, even if it is in small ways. I have missed out on a lot of small things that many people take for granted and I mean to make up for lost time!

You're a shining example!!! Although we're not all agoraphobic, I suppose the many of us miss out on life while we're focusing too much on our H/W.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: hopeandfaith on October 30, 2013, 03:44:33 AM: What a great topic. Gives us an opportunity to reflect a bit and also be prompted by what others have written.

I have just started seeing a psychologist and we talked about my strength being a weakness. She told me that I haven't quite grasped the concept that if I give up being so strong, I won't crumble into helplessness. I have worn my strength like a badge of honour and while it's got me far, I have also found it lonely.

So, I am learning to lean on others. I have learnt the value of friendship this year and have learnt that my H left my life, he didn't take it off me. This means that I have attended family celebrations with his family, used our ski boat and socialised with our friends (who were all introduced to me by him). I thought he was the driver of our social life but have learned this is not the case.

I have also been a lot braver/open with my love of all things spiritual. My family and H have always thought that to be a bit out there but I have relied quite heavily on it this year and the proof is in the pudding so to speak. I have been told that I am not normal because of how well I have coped and that the grace and dignity I have shown is outstanding. It is because I believe in a higher love. I believe in something bigger than us and I think I am leading the way in my family and also making it part of my kids emotional diet - which I am proud of.
Title: Re: How have you changed?
Post by: Mermaid on October 31, 2013, 11:16:48 AM: A tree that cannot bend
will crack in the wind.

The hard and stiff will be broken
the soft and supple will prevail.

From the 76th verse of Tao