[Mermaid]

Some of us have been here for a long time now. We've been through hell and back. We did everything wrong before we started doing things right.

I realise that most oldies have changed a lot since the start of MLC. I don't want to focus on our MLCers here, we do too much of that, but on ourselves.

How have we changed?

Personally, I feel stronger, more independent, more decided about my future (even though I don't know what the future will bring), more confident, and strangely, more capable of loving in a compassionate way, without the neediness or resentment that I had.

I don't say that the anger and other negative feelings have disappeared altogether, but they've faded. I recognise that they have no place in the wise woman I would like to become.

What about you?

[in it]

I don't think I've changed that much. I was always pretty straightforward, independent, and solved my own problems mostly.

I still have "trigger" trouble: but learning how to deal with that also.

All of this hasn't left me bitter. I'd still like to have an honest open relationship with a man. I DO believe it's possible.

 Hoping I'm not chasing a unicorn.

[Thunder]

I've changed in many ways!

I was never an active person but when all this started I had to relieve some stress so I started walking on the treadmill.  Continued walking outside when the weather was good and have walked every day since. 
Then I picked up some weights and started using the.
I've not only lost weight but I look and feel better than I have in years.  My confidence level has skyrocked!

I also learned so much about myself.  My "real" self.  Not me as a couple, but me as a person.  I have not been single in 30 years.  I know now what I want and don't want out of life and a relationship.

Biggest thing was seeing my family as a support.  I always loved them, and knew they loved me, but I never realized how truly important it is to have a loving family during not only the good times but the worst times, too.
I am blessed to have them in my life.

My x has no family.  My family was his family and I feel sorry for him.  He not only gave up on me, but he threw them away, too.  Big loss for him.

My journey continues, but so far I'm making some wonderful changes in my life.

[the_little_bee]

Totally agree about the family Thunder. I knew theoretically mine were loving and supportive, but they have been amazing, I've never been so grateful to have them. In particular my sister has been an angel. Even tho it's only a few months I am so much closer to them than I have been in years - a positive change I think.

[Standing in Patience]

This is one thing that I have been thinking about a lot.

Clearly, family relationships are the issue here from the get go. I have to say I have been working on this aspect of my being and I have made lots of progress. I have been the family glue for years keeping both sides of the family involved, happy and in turn then they have also been supported.

Many on both sides of our family just shake their head wondering how my mlcer could conceivable abandon this family.

 

[Breakingthecycle]

I would like to say that I am no longer agoraphobic but I'm not sure if that us possible, maybe I am a recovering agoraphobic would be a better description.  I no longer say I won't do something, never say never.  I might not attempt something today but I will not say I won't ever try it.  A big thing for me.

Still working on the rest...........

[superdog]

I think that I am still who I always was only better :-)

I have loved my life pretty true to myself, warts and all. It's only really in the last 5 years I have accepted those warts and decided that I can live with them.

Mlc has probably made me step back from people in general, but not in a bad way. I was a typical fixer but now I know to let a person help themselves and make it easier to ask me if they need me. I will need to relearn that in a different way when my children become more independent.

I fear absolutely nothing now, I did before. I learned to like my own company but still don't like it for prolonged periods.  But that's me!

I still get angry at my h at least once a week but chose my battles now. I do still carry resentment towards him and that will take a lot longer to get past. May have been different if he had not lived here.  That will happen when it's time to happen for me I won't rush it otherwise I won't be ready and it will be still in there somewhere.

If we has too much to change then I firmly believe we would be the ones in mlc because we would have been living the lie that they have all these years.

SD
X

[Anjae]

I have both changed and not changed at all. After BD and for a long while I felt odd and not really myself. I wanted to save the marriage, wanted Mr J back, the whole normal LBS stuff.

Except that is not me. I'm a distancer and, usually, pretty detached. If a relationship is not working I just walk. So, I was very surprised to see myself wanting to save a relationship. Even if that one was my marriage.

I had also lost parts of me since BD and had completely got away from things I used to love because they were memories of the time with Mr J (I had know him all my adult life since I'm 18, prior I was either a child or a teen).

Now I'm much more like I was when younger, detached, went back to do things I used to like and even managed to get back to stuff from those 20 years together without a problem.

[Trustandlove]

I started writing reams, then realised that it could be said succinctly:

I've looked at some of my behaviour and changed what I haven't liked.  I've also dealt with a lot of surface anxiety and insecurity.  I'm the same in my core, but I'll go out on a limb and say that I think I'm a better person than I was. 

Perhaps it's called growing up? 

[Mermaid]

I've looked at some of my behaviour and changed what I haven't liked.  I've also dealt with a lot of surface anxiety and insecurity.  I'm the same in my core, but I'll go out on a limb and say that I think I'm a better person than I was. 

Perhaps it's called growing up?

I think that's exactly what happens when we learn to deal with this... we grow up some more. Not a bad thing.

Now I'm much more like I was when younger, detached, went back to do things I used to like and even managed to get back to stuff from those 20 years together without a problem.

Do you regard that as a good thing? Do you enjoy doing those things? I found that I did the same, and revisited parts of myself I thought I'd left behind, and then integrating them into my life now. This is a good thing, I think I'd started conforming to other people's expectations too much.

I fear absolutely nothing now, I did before. I learned to like my own company but still don't like it for prolonged periods.  But that's me!

I still get angry at my h at least once a week but chose my battles now.

You sound like me... I didn't use to like being by myself, now I look forward to it. I love company, but it's important to accept ourselves and be happy with our own company too.

If we has too much to change then I firmly believe we would be the ones in mlc because we would have been living the lie that they have all these years.

I don't know if I believe this. We can change and grow, without going into a crisis.

I would like to say that I am no longer agoraphobic but I'm not sure if that us possible, maybe I am a recovering agoraphobic would be a better description.  I no longer say I won't do something, never say never.  I might not attempt something today but I will not say I won't ever try it.  A big thing for me.

Those sound like huge changes, well done! How did you do it?

I've changed in many ways!

I was never an active person but when all this started I had to relieve some stress so I started walking on the treadmill. 

I also learned so much about myself.  My "real" self.  Not me as a couple, but me as a person.  I have not been single in 30 years.  I know now what I want and don't want out of life and a relationship.

These are the things I was thinking about when I posted this thread. Although I haven't had much time alone, having a CB, I did face thinking about myself as an individual rather than as part of a couple. This strengthens us, if we can accept who we are by ourselves, and do things to look after ourselves.

I used to cry and want to be rescued from all this pain, then I learnt to rescue myself. With a little help from my friends, of course.