Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: in it on March 07, 2014, 10:46:33 AM
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People always say that you should never hold on to negative emotions like anger. I disagree to a point. Anger is a very powerful tool. The need for fairness and justice is an innate part of the human psyche. It’s our soul’s way of telling us that something isn’t right. Anger motivates us into action. It’s our line in the sand that tells us when we’ve had enough and it’s time for change.
I found this passage on a website posted on holdinontohopes thread.
There are all different stages we get to in regards to our situations. Anger is usually thought to be a negative emotion and we must not let ourselves FEEL it.
The more you resist any overwhelming emotion? The more it persists.
Thought to be more acceptable for men to express this emotion it isn't always done in a constructive manner. Females also can deeply bury anger and rage.
Anger in it's essence is fear. And hurt and pain.
After a while enough pain is enough and you simply LET GO move onto the next stage. You may have setbacks? But in time this too shall pass.
Develop your depth of emotion and let anger teach you the positive ways to use it.
Determination to me is anger in a sense coupled with courage and can be used to set YOUR emotions and life in a positive direction.
Thoughts? Examples? Triggers?
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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201101/want-change-get-angry
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http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/02/10/anger/
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http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/inspirationreport/2010/05/the-positive-side-to-anger.html
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I think getting angry about the situation is a healthy emotion. However I do not think spewing out your anger to your spouse and those around you are healthy reactions and it does absolutely nothing but create a bigger drama. So yes having anger is good, it is healthy it is how you act while angry that needs to be looked at and considered. Part of this journey is understanding we have a right to have emotions, we need to have those emotions but our emotions are our own to have and to control. Yes someone can make you angry that is true, but to live in a perpetual state of anger that is directly tied to how someone elses actions are isn't healthy. We must have emotions that are independent on our MLC spouse, we understand they are sick, they aren't in their right mind and we learn to jump off the roller coaster, part of that is owning our emotions as our own and for me that means my emotions are no longer based on what my spouse is doing. Do I like it, do I approve of it, heck no but he will not control how I react to it and he will not control my emotions, just as we are blamed by the MLCer that we are the reason they feel that way, uhmmmm no you feel that way because you aren't in your right mind and you are projecting your inner turmoil. Just as the MLCer must come to learn we aren't the cause of their feelings the LBSer needs to have emotions that are independent on the MLCer. It doesn't mean we can't get angry, it doesn't mean we can't tell them we are angry but how we tell them and how we act during those angry moments are ours to own we didn't act crazy because of them, we got angry at what they did and we acted that way because in part we lost control. So I don't think people on here are saying don't be angry, they are saying be angry and go about it in a healthy manner. Suppressing anger isn't healthy and even the bible says it is okay to get angry, just not sin while angry.
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Anger is also know to be a secondary emotion and that is important for us to acknowledge. It is a reaction to the primary emotion of hurt, pain etc.
I think it's absolutely necessary to release the emotion, but in time recognise and acknowledge and deal with the primary emotion, thereby reducing the anger and associated responses.
I personally think that anger is the primary way in which we develop detachment and once we are done with that we can deal with the real issues. It's a good tool to get to the point where we objectively look at ourselves. This I think takes a very long time.
As FJJ says it's about how we as adults express the anger that makes the difference to both us and other humans around us. I certainly have had to reevaluate healthy release in all of this.
But then what do in know, nothing actually just my opinion.
Sd
X
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Any emotion is feedback from our psyche or if You like more echo, reaction on event which we get by senses. Also can be result of thinking without input from external world.
Point is that we have to process emotions, learn why we feel like that and do something about, if they are negative. Change self, attitude, coping strategy and so on. Learn from it and move on.
Unhealthy way is project them on someone else, blame someone else and other unhealthy ways. Also repressing emotions and do nothing about repetitive events and bad emotions lead to disaster eventually.
So, any kind of emotions have purpose in our survival and life.
BTW superdog anger belong to group of primary emotions.
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I have an example to share about anger and the way I handled it.
I was working with this woman who was a micromanager I'd worked at this job a lot longer than her. She drove me nuts ( as the owner was somewhat the same ).
Finally one day when I was absolute dreading to go into work I said to myself "I cannot change how she behaves but I can change my attitude towards it" and I did. I didn't ignore her or was mean to her I simply didn't get wrapped up in her drama.
I think what finally did it for me is I showed up at work to put the money in the register and open the store and for the life of me could NOT find the money where we usually kept it.
So I'm somewhat furious at this point in time I knew she closed the night before so I called her and calmly said:
"J where is the money to open the store?
She replies " Oh.. I put it in the refrigerator' :o :o :o
I said "Why did you put it in the refrigerator?"
She said "In case the store burns down it might be safer in there"
I explained to the owner what happened that morning and it didn't happen again.
We're talking about a couple of hundred dollars here.
She went away for a winter vacation and called the store to find out what the weather was as she was driving back up here. As she is on the phone with me she trips over her daughters dog and breaks her arm. She couldn't work at the store anymore.
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I tried to analyze why I had very little anger towards H during this wonderful journey called MLC.
Maybe it's because as a pharmacist I've had to deal with all sorts of people my whole adult life.
Frustration and 'not being listened to' are triggers for anger in me. I have found the self talk inside of ourselves plays a huge role.
I laugh when I see a show or movie and someone has anger management issues so they have to squeeze a ball or some practice to release the anger. ::)
So I am not an angry person. I hate that. It's counterproductive. My MLCer has no control over his anger. Like most MLCers, I imagine. They watch the world go by and then complain and rage and spew about whatever crosses their mind. :-\
My H dropping the kids or picking up the kids for 36 months (not often by sporadic) ONE little thing like 'a bicycle laying in the snow' releases a tirade that lasts for a long time from him. I say "Awww, yeah a bike in the snow. That's messed up. They're kids. Be glad they're healthy and alive."
He'll smile and say "I know..." bashful face.
Then two seconds later the kid is holding the refrigerator door open and he's yelling about that. :o :o
CHILL OUT MLCer. Get in touch with your needs and feelings and how your actions affect the world around you and glide through life. Don't CRASH and SLAM and HACK,Slash and burn.
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MamaBear, you and I are very similar in this regard. I have been perplexed about my absence of anger (except for very short periods of time).
Also, a stimulus for anger for me is similar to you--frustration and not being listened to are also triggers for me. I feel I have a bad habit if trying to keep explaining myself because I think that if the other person could hear my reasons and understand that the issue at hand would be resolved. It's a habit I am much more aware of and am making steps to change. Part of it is that I really don't like someone just stating something without an explanation. For example, don't just say to thaw a Turkey in the refrigerator. Explain about the bacterial growth so it makes sense to me.
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Or.. Reinventing, when people don't take the advice they asked for and then something negative happens as a result and they come back to whine and you are stuck trying not to say "I told you so"
I say "rinse a canker sore with salt water"
They go eat tabasco.
They come back.
"Waaaaaah"
Me "Go away I tried to help you and YOU don't listen! bye Bye"
lol
D11 sleigh rode down our front lawn and smashed into Hs Mercedes at 7 pm last night while we stood on the top steps watching.....My face was priceless... :o :o :o ;D
H? Balistic. Had to calm him down "there there...aw"
I'm like a weird hippy over here near Woodstock. Everyone crashing through here like it were an Emergency Room. :o
Take a number folks....and a band aid. ::)
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Was he concerned about his daughter at all?? :o :o :o Cars can be fixed.
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So he was more worried about the car than D?
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Yup.
Totally lost it! Loud!
She and her little friend were sitting backwards and holding hands on those round disk sleds.
They hit their backs into the door tipped over and started laughing.
::) Once again reminding us how out of it in the FOG they are.
He almost looks like "Why am I this way?" after things calm down.
I'm like Alice Brady .... just looking on rub his arm and sigh. Not mine to fix.
Now D11 wants a cool elbow brace for her booboo...... ;)
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Whew!! I thought you were saying he totally lost it over the car possibly being dented.
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Whew!! I thought you were saying he totally lost it over the car possibly being dented.
That wouldn't really be a big surprise, though, with a monstery MLCer. "She broke my toy!". Developmentally Deranged - great band name! ;)
And that's how I channel my anger: dark humor. If my hackles are up over something Hoss or anyone else has done, another thing I do is woods walk. It is literally impossible for me to go into that environment with anger and expect to have any sort of satisfying experience where I might see animals, as they are repelled by aggression, so I have to check that at the door. By the time I return to my little civilization, I've usually forgotten what I was angry about or it's in perspective.
I used to be the type that would throw things or scream and cry, but not now. If I have some unheard thing I really need to express I just pretend he's on the other side of the table and go ahead and get it out. Something about pushing air with your lungs and getting it out of your head and imagination helps. Very little anger there anymore, but it was helpful early on.
Anger is normal but prolonged anger is not, especially if you don't have the MLCer in your face on a regular basis. It can become a crutch or hold us back if we let it. If I'm sitting around being mad about something Hoss did three years ago, that has more to do with me than him, as he is not in my face continuing to do it. When those emotions come up it's usually a sign to me that I need to ask myself what I'm getting out of holding on to that - is it helping me procrastinate on making a decision, or doing something forward-moving in my life? Am I just bored (this is the answer more often than not) and have nothing else to think about? Is it because I miss him and this is my brain's way of trying to protect my heart from remembering the good things?
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Well I try to BREATHE through it.... if I can-but I've had read a lot about healing from narcissistic abuse and continue to do so- so it will take me a while.
I'm so happy I finally got this pegged! And everything I read said my anger is quite normal for what I have put myself through.
So whenever I read about the verbal and emotional abuse and CONTROL on here I hit the ceiling. ::)
It's been a really long time since anybody has yelled at me or blamed me and it feels really good. :)
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http://www.anger-management-techniques.org/why-we-get-angry.htm/
This a anger management website..when the ex said I needed to go to counseling due to MY anger issues :o I realize it was some projection (I told some of my friends one almost spit out her coffee laughing).
My biggest problem was he simply would not communicate with me. NOR LISTEN.
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Anger is normal but prolonged anger is not, especially if you don't have the MLCer in your face on a regular basis. It can become a crutch or hold us back if we let it. If I'm sitting around being mad about something Hoss did three years ago, that has more to do with me than him, as he is not in my face continuing to do it. When those emotions come up it's usually a sign to me that I need to ask myself what I'm getting out of holding on to that - is it helping me procrastinate on making a decision, or doing something forward-moving in my life? Am I just bored (this is the answer more often than not) and have nothing else to think about? Is it because I miss him and this is my brain's way of trying to protect my heart from remembering the good
I agree with this Ready2 - prolonged anger is not normal and isn't healthy. Sure its okay to get angry but we need to work through it and move forward. Staying in the angry cycle and letting it shape our lives in all we do should be evaluated.
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http://www.freereinaustralia.com/anger-one-of-our-most-useful-emotions/
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http://shyeanne.hubpages.com/hub/Warrior-Gene
Interesting...
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I believe I'm passive aggressive which was probably why I didn't blow up when I found out my W was having an affair. I know I still have it in me, but I don't outwardly express it to her. I don't know how.
I'm currently using my aggression/anger in the gym. It give a certain amount of 'drive' when I work out and I do notice that I'm not so intense/lazier when I'm calmer. The anger also allows me to detach from her. It kicks my butt and stops me from feeling sorry for myself.
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Very good..I finally used it for determination to LET GO and to forge a new direction for myself.
I have no problem expressing it. I've had to stuff so many feelings for so long I now indulge myself from time to time. I have a much better handle on it since I haven't been in contact with the ex.
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http://fivelovelanguages-m0.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/2012/11/GatewaytoAnger.pdf
The author Gary Chapman who wrote "The 5 Love Languages" (a highly suggested book for us to identify ourselves by the way)..has written a book on anger.