Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: barbiedoll on April 23, 2014, 08:19:53 AM
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My husband went thru the fastest most entense midlife crisis in 2013. He dropped the hugest cruelest “bomb” on our life , our marriage and our family in May 2013. By June , he was out of control , having an affair and was destroying a 30 year marriage and devastating me and our 5 daughters . . He could not be stopped… I know, I tried everything I knew to stop him . My Sept .. he was out of our home and life would never again be the same. He ran , escaped , avoided family and friends , quit his job and turned his character into someone we did not know. He returned in Dec 2013 …. And we are still licking our wounds and trying to recover . I found this letter inside a book by Jim Conway . He said “ someone anonymous “ mailed the book to him… he has no idea to this day who sent the letter . It is worth posting ..
SIR
MAKE NO MISTAKE .. I DO NOT KNOW YOU AND WE HAVE NEVER MET .. BUT I KNOW OF YOUR FAMILY AND WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO THEM . I DID THE SAME . EXACTLY THE SAME TO MY DEEPEST SHAME AND REGRET . MY REASON FOR TALKING TO YOU IS PRIVATE AND ONLY TO MAKE ME FEEL SOMETHING GOOD CAN COME OF MY MISTAKES IF I CAN TURN ONE OTHER MAN AROUND TO FACE HIMSELF AND STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE FOR THE $hit THAT YOU ARE FEELING. OR AT THE VERY LEAST MAKE HIM LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND FACE HIMSEF . YOU ARE THE 4TH MAN IF HAVE DONE THIS FOR . MY WAY OF “PAYING IT FORWARD “. I LEFT MY FAMILY FOR 10 MONTHS AND TRIED TO RETURN AT THAT POINT . MY WIFE WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND WILL NEVER FORGIVE WHAT I DID TO HER AND TO MY KIIDS . SHE IS BITTER AND HATEFULL AND HURT IN A WAY I NEVER INTENDED . STILL I PURSUE AND BEG FORGIVENESS … I WANT MY WIFE AND FAMILY . I MAY NEVER HAVE THAT NOW . ABANDONING A MARRIAGE ABANDONES THE FAMILY. I WILL NEVER BE PROUD OF THAT, AND NEITHER WILL YOU.. I AM A 58 YEAR OLD MAN FILLED WITH REGRET AND SHOCKED AT WHAT I ALLOWED MYSELF DO TO MY FAMILY.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF BUYING THIS BOOK FOR YOU. AT TRUE FRIEND HANDED IT TO ME AND TOLD ME TO GET MY $hit TOGETHER BECAUSE I WAS NOT THAT MAN HE KNEW. NO ONE ELSE DARED TO CONFRONT ME. IT IS WHAT FINALLY MADE ME SEE WHAT THE F**K I WAS DOING .. THAT AND A GOOD SHRINK ( A REALLY GOOD SHRINK) AND MY ASS IN A CHURCH PEW . I FACED MYSELF AS A MAN HAS TO DO …. RUNNING IS YOU WORST MISTAKE. I KNEW THAT . AND STILL I RAN . I BELIEVE YOU KNOW THAT TO. YOU WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING IN YOUR WORLD IF YOU CONTINUE TO RUN FROM YOUR SELF . AVOIDING EVERYTHING BECAME A WAY OF LIFE FOR ME . A REALIZATION THAT HAS BEEN ONE OF MY BIGGIST MISTAKES AS A MAN , AS A FATHER AND AS A HUSBAND. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT … I DID IT AND PAYING A BIG PRICE FOR IT NOW . YOU CANNOT MEASURE MY REGRET . YOU ARE DESTROYING YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR KIDS WILL BE FOREVER MARKED BY YOUR ACTIONS . A DAUGHTER SUFFERS FOR YEARS WHEN A DADDY LEAVES HER .HOW WILL SHE TRUST A MAN IF SHE CANNOT TRUST HER OWN FATHER . HOW CAN SHE EXPLAIN TO HERSELF WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE DAD SHE KNEW AND HAS NOW WALKED AWAY . I HAVE 2 DAUGHTERS AND THEY HAVE DESCRIBED THEIR PAIN TO ME. I HAVE CRIED LIKE I NEVER KNEW I COULD. THEY HAVE AGREED TO COME TO THE SHRINK WITH ME AND I AM GRATEFULL TO GOD FOR A SECOND CHANCE WITH THEM. MY SON WILL NOT TALK TO ME. NOT TO MENTION ANY GRANDKIDS YOU MAY HAVE . MY GRANDKIDS LOOK AT ME IN FEAR AND CONFUSION . WHEN I FINALLY REALIZED THIS IS MY BATTLE … NOTHING MY WIFE DID , NOTHING MY KIDS DID … I DID THIS TO MYSELF BY NOT SHARING MY FEELINGS , NOT TALKING TO MY FAMILY , SHUTTING MY WIFE OUT AND BLAMING HER FOR ALL MY $hit, NOT FACING CRAP IN MY LIFE I SHOULD HAVE GOT A HANDLE ON YEARS AGO AND LET WORK BE MY PRIORITY FOR YEARS AND YEARS . I BURNT MYSELF OUT AN EVEN FOUND A WAY TO BLAME THAT ON MY WIFE .I TOLD MY WIFE NOTHING ABOUT MY UNHAPPINESS OR ANYTHING INTIMATE AND THEN I BLAMED HER FOR NOT LOVING ME. SEEMS THAT IS WHAT WE MEN DO WHEN WE STRUGGLE THRU MIDLIFE CRAP . IMAGINE THE PAIN WE HAVE BURIED INTO OUR WIVES. I THOUGHT I WOULD FINALLY BE HAPPY IF I COULD GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE, MY OLD LIFE , AND THE RESPONSIBILTY I WAS SO F**KING SICK OF . I WANTED CHANGE MORE THAN MY FAMILY . I WAS AN ASS TO ALLOW THAT TO OVERPOWER ME. I FINALLY WOKE UP ONE DAY , JUST AS UNHAPPY AS I WAS 10 MONTHS AGO . BUT NOW FILLED WITH GUILT, LONELINESS, SELF DOUBT AND PHYSICALLY SICK. IT WAS LIKE A LIGHTENING BOLT OF REALITY . I OWN THIS … THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO GIVE 100 % OF MYSELF TO FIX . . .. FOR THE SAKE OF MY FAMILY , MY WIFE AND MY PEACE … WHEN I FINALLY TURNED TO MY WIFE FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT THAT SHE ONCE HAD FOR ME …. IT WAS GONE . MID LIFE DISTORTS OUR THINKING, I AM PROOF.
MY KIDS ARE POLITE .. THEY TALK TO ME . BUT I KNOW THAT THEY NEVER WILL FORGIVE OR RESPECT ME AGAIN .THEY WILL NEVER TRUST ME 100% BECAUSE I BECAME UNPREDICTABLE AND BEHAVED IN A WAY THEY COULD NOT ACCEPT AND HAVE NEVER SEEN FROM ME . THEY MAY NEVER COME TO ME FOR ADVISE IN THE FUTURE . I HAVE MUCH TO REPAIR. THEY WILL NEVER FORGIVE THAT I TORE THEIR MOTHER IN HALF , BLAMED HER AND LEFT HER HOLDING ALL MY RESPONSIBILITIES AS A MAN .. THEY WATCHED HER CRY FOR MONTHS .. AND WILL NEVER FEEL THE SAME ABOUT ME AS A FATHER . IF YOU HAVE SON IN LAWS .. THEY KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT FOR SOME FAMILY PEACE .. BUT THEY ARE PRAYING TO GOD THEY DO NOT TURN INTO YOU
. SO WHILE YOU ARE OUT CHASING WHAT YOU “THINK YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO “ AND FINALLY BE “HAPPY” AND ALL THAT OTHER $hit … YOUR FAMILY IS LIKELY ALL IN COUNSELLING , ON ANTIDEPRSSANTS , DOING ALL YOUR “WORK” AS THE MAN IN THE FAMILY, TRYING NOT TO HATE YOUR GUTS , AND PRAYING THAT THE MAN THEY KNOW AS GREAT FATHER AND HUSBAND WILL SNAP THE HELL OUT OF IT . YOU WILL NOT “SNAP OUT OF IT “ .. UNLESS YOU WANT TO AND DO THE WORK IT TAKES TO RESTORE YOURSELF AS A MAN OF INTEGRITY , WORTHY OF RESPECT AND LET THEM LOVE YOU … IF THEY CAN NOW . THESE FEELINGS ARE NOT STRONGER THAN YOU … YOU ARE THE POWER THAT CAN TURN THIS ALL AROUND … THAT IS HOW YOU WILL RESTORE YOU SELF RESPECT AND PRIDE AND ULTIMATELY YOUR LIFE AND THE 10 OR 20 PEOPLE YOU HAVE DEVASTATED . YOU HAVE THAT POWER . YOU CAN CONTINUE TO LIVE IN DENIAL , AVOID FEELING WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO YOUR FAMILY AND TO YOUR OWN LIFE , CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT THIS IS ALL FOR THE BEST AND YOU “DESERVE” TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE NO MATTER WHAT THE COST TO THOSE THAT LOVE YOUR WITH THEIR HEART AND SOUL . AFTERALL , YOU ARE ALL ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER , SO YOU BETTER CRAM EVERYTHING YOU WANT INTO THE REMAINING YEARS . IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU . AND AT THE END OF THIS TRANSITION , THAT IS ALL YOU WILL HAVE LEFT . A LONELY , DEEPLY REGRETFULL MAN FULL OF SELF PITY AND ALONE . WITH YOU. JUST LIKE ME . MEN ARE VERY ANXIOUS TO IMPROVE WHAT THEY VIEW AS $hitTY CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT ARE UNWILLING TO IMPROVE THEMSELVES, TO DEAL WITH THIER EMOTIONS, SO THEY RUN AND LOCK THEMSELVES INTO DEPRESSION. THEY WILL ALSO DENY THAT. I DID. IT IS NOT YOUR WIFE THAT YOU DO NOT LOVE . YOU WILL COME TO REALIZE THAT IT IS YOUSELF, THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO LOVE. BUT YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY THAT ARE PAYING THE PRICE AND LIVING IN PAIN BEYOND DESCRIPTION. FACE YOUR WOUNDS, GET SOME HELP AND WORK ON HEALING YOURSELF SO YOU CAN BE THE MAN YOU REALLY WANT TO BE IN YOUR FAMILY. THAT IS WHERE YOU WILL FIND PEACE.
READ THIS BOOK WITH AN OPEN MIND, ACCEPT THE PARTS WHERE YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF AND CHALLENGE YOURSELF TO MAKE SOME CHANGES . DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. YOUR FAMILY IS DEPENDING ON YOU TO HEAL YOURSELF. TAKE THIS BOOK TO YOUR NEARSEST SUPPORT PERSON OR SHRINK. THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY FOR TRUE CHANGE AND GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF. NOT AS A MAN ON THE RUN. A MAN IN THE MIRROR IS WHO YOU NEED TO FACE AND HEAL. YOU CAN DO THIS. I HAVE NO DOUBT. TALK TO YOUR WIFE, TELL HER YOUR PLAN , WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO TO SET THINGS RIGHT. IT IS WORTH EVERY BIT OF EFFORT YOU PUT INTO THIS PROCESS . THERE IS PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING FOR YOURSELF AT THE END. STOP RUNNING AND AVOIDING YOURSELF. THAT IS NOT THE ANSWER.ASK ANY MAN THAT HAS DONE THIS AND THEY WILL TELL YOU IT IS NOT THE SCRIPT WRITTEN FOR YOU. IT SERVES NO POSITIVE PURPOSE AT THIS POINT IN YOUR LIFE.
I HAVE NOT MET YOUR WIFE .. BUT I KNOW WHO SHE IS , A BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WHO HAS A DEEP UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU . LUCKY YOU. I HAVE HEARD HER SPEAK. WHEN SHE IS DONE WAITING FOR YOU,( AND SHE WILL BE ) YOU CAN BET YOUR LAST DIME, SOME OTHER MAN WILL SEE EXACTLY THE WOMEN SHE IS INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE GONE AND SHE WILL TAKE YOUR FAMILY WITH HER .THERE WILL BE A NEW MAN LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE AS THERE IS IN MINE .YOUR KIDS WILL COME TO ACCEPT HIM AND RELY ON HIM FOR MANY THINGS YOU WALKED AWAY FROM.BELIEVE ME, YOU DO NOT WANT THIS IN YOUR LIFE, BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE HEADING. THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE I AM. SHE HAS EARNED THE LOVE AND LOYALTY OF YOUR KIDS BY DOING THE RIGHT THINGS FOR THEM AND MAKING THEM A PRIORITY AS THEY TRY TO HEAL . AND I KNOW HER PROFOUND PAIN .. I SEE IT IN MY WIFES EYES AND I HAVE SEEN IT IN YOUR WIFES EYES . IT IS THE SAME . IF I DID NOT LOVE MY WIFE ( I KNOW THIS NOW ) I WOULD BE GOING FOR YOURS . YOU HAVE A SMALL WINDOW SIR .. TO AVOID SITTING ALONE .. DEEP IN REGRET AND DEPRESSION, CHASING SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND RUNNING AWAY FROM WHAT DOES … I CAN SAVE YOU A SEAT IF YOU LIKE OR YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN ME AND HUG YOUR WIFE, ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND ACCEPT WHAT SHE CAN GIVE YOU BEFORE IT IS ALL TOO LATE. HOPEFULLY YOU WILL BE ACCPTED BACK INTO YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FAMILY AND YOU ARE AT THE HEAD OF YOUR CHRISTMAS TABLE CARVING YOUR OWN TURKEY AND FEELING PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU PULLED YOURSELF OUT OF . YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE PERMANENT CHANGES IN ALL THE PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVED LOVED, FOR A TEMPORARY PHASE IN YOUR LIFE.. TRUST ME.
I HOPE FOR ALL CONCERNED YOU TAKE THIS ADVISE FROM A STRANGER THAT KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOU THINK…
REGARDS AND PRAYERS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
" WITHOUT HIS FAMILY, MAN, ALONE IN THE WORLD , TREMBLES IN THE COLD.
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WOW!
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I concur with yxzcf, WOW!! That is some powerful stuff right there. I wish all men could receive a letter such as this.
What book by Jim Conway did you find it in? I am curious as to what book this "anonymous" person sent to your husband.
Blessings to you, barbiedoll, and to your family as you all heal and recover. I will be praying for you.
CT 8)
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:o
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I think that when someone signs up on this forum that the book and letter should automatically be sent to the WS!! Would they even care, though, if they are in that dark tunnel of denial?
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I wonder if this helped influence the quick return.
What if Mr. or Ms. Anonymous were to show up in some of our sitches????
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Barbiedoll,
That is one impressive letter...!
Thanks for sharing.
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Wow!
I would also love to know the book!!!
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That took my breath from me...literally! I wish my husband would read this letter, I think we all do.
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Now, if more reformed MLCers could take current MLCers under their wings and help them, this world would be a better place!
Thanks for sharing that, Barbie. I am so glad that your H came back and you guys are healing. Take your time and enjoy each other.
xoxo
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The book is called Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway. He and his wife also wrote Women in Midlife Crisis.
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Yes.. that is the book. Men In Midlife Crisis by James Conway. I am looking to read Sally Conways book regarding her experience while her husband was in crisis. This book and letter was sent to my husband via his employer. He had quit his job. So, his ex-boss called him and told him there was a package there for jim. My husband told me he read the letter over and over. Said he copied it and was going to bring me a copy ( when he was gone)... but he did not. He showed it to me when he emptied everything he owned from the back of his truck... and piled it in the garage. Most of his thing still reside in the garage. That letter has been magneticed to my frig for months. Thought i would share. And I want him to see it everyday. My husband absolutely talks about being a "speaker" some day... and wanting to "pay it forward" and help if he can . He needs to continue to heal himself and this marriage 1st. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it.
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Made me cry. When did he get it BarbieDoll?
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As others have said I thank you for sharing. Brought me to tears. Though what I'm going through is very hard, at least I have my children's support. I just pray that my h comes out of this before it's too late. I hurt just thinking about the pain he will suffer when he finally wakes up.
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wow - thank you for sharing and posting this.
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Wow. Someone really gave him that? Maybe we should set up pen pals or find out who that guy was and have him send it to all of our spouses.
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He cannot remember when he got it. He was out of the house from Sept 2nd until early December. He "thinks " he got it in mid October. I was attending a Divorce and Separation Support Group at Calvary Church. I talked about MLC at the group ( 2 other womwn in the same boat) . There were 4 men in this group. I lost it one evening... bawled like a baby and just in horror that i would be in a divorce group. I suspect it was from one of the men in this group. Cannot figure out anything else.
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If I send you H's address, will you mail him a copy?
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are you serious? because... for you... anything. I will do it ! What can it hurt ? But I cannot tell if you are serious.
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are you serious? because... for you... anything. I will do it ! What can it hurt ? But I cannot tell if you are serious.
Idk. Is it a good idea?
What say you, wise ones on the forum??
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It would explain the quick turn around for Barbiedoll´s h.
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If I send you H's address, will you mail him a copy?
Heck I second that !.
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I'm blown away Barbie, that is a very special thing for that man to have done.
Wishing you and your family all the very best
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What a blessing, to have a brave, bold man speak truth!!! I wish we all had somebody like that fighting for us.
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WOW, what a gift….and from someone you will never know. The week of BD, a very good friend who has been married 27 years came over to talk to my H. Tried to hope him see that all marriages have highs and lows, all spouses have disagreements and at times you wonder where the passion and excitement have gone. He was very candid and let us see inside their marriage, the good the bad and the ugly. My H thanked him for the visit, but in once ear and out the other. He is so convinced what he is doing is right, he just isn't happy, we are a bad match, etc. etc. But I letter like that, I think would really get his attention. You need to thank God for whomever had the courage to send it.
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I believe it's got to be at the right time in the MLCers life. It just seems too simple, a letter and a book changing the course of a life....
Thanks for sharing Barbie and good for you!
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Wow! Thank you for posting the letter...I wish all the best for you and your husband!!
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Thank you for posting . What an angel the mystery person is .
Callan
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Hobo- there is a case of just the book, NO letter, changing lives.
The Bible:)
Just yanking your chain.
FTT
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I agree with both FTT and Hobo- timing in regards to a catalyst can help. You can understand it and explain it until you are blue in the face and until someone can see it and identify with it? They remain lost.
I'm pretty sure it can't come from us. Frustrating at best.
So whichever one worked to open his eyes? May remain a mystery.
I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me.
((((HUGS BARBIE))))
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I agree.. timing, the bible, where in the process he is etc. I do not think a book and a letter turned him around. But it most certainly gave him something to think about...if nothing else. If it was the absolute turning factor... he would have been at my door same day with book , letter and remorse on the same day. He was not. He does not even remember exactly when he got it. BUT , I do know he kept it. He read it several times. He copied it because he was going to give me a copy while he was out of the house. ( he did not). He has shown it to other family members. It had an inpact without doubt. I absolutely talked to him until I was blue in the face and so was the therapist (prior to him leaving). He HEARD NOTHING . I will never know the inner workings of his brain at the time, he does not know "what the hell was I thinking". So whether the letter changed his thinking will remain a mystery... same as the person who sent it. I am gratefull someone cared about me , him and our family. That might be the most important significance of all.
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WOW!!!!!! I think every MLC should get a copy of this letter , and if it is for women change the wording, if for men leave it alone
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Thank you….I am thinking of sending this anonymously with the book (which I have) to H's work….but he works in a Police Station….do you think he'd get it fingerprinted!!! lol :)
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WOW!!!!!! I think every MLC should get a copy of this letter , and if it is for women change the wording, if for men leave it alone
I think this is a mistake.
Best not to try to make our MLC'ers change, they need to decide that on their own.
We can not control that!
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WOW!!!!!! I think every MLC should get a copy of this letter , and if it is for women change the wording, if for men leave it alone
I think this is a mistake.
Best not to try to make our MLC'ers change, they need to decide that on their own.
We can not control that!
I totally think that you're right, but I also see that this looks like it could be the magic silver bullet to bring back our MLCers.
Sadly - no magic silver bullet exists.... :(
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Some of my H's friends from church tried to contact him as one of them had his own affair and he and his wife reconciled..........H wouldn't even return their calls. And these were close, godly friends.
I don't think they will hear it. In my H's case it would just give him ammunition to justify his own actions or prove that I'm the one who is crazy. Even if it was sent anonymously, he would assume that I had something to do with it.
He has to come out of the tunnel of his own volition, thinking that it is his own idea. That's just the way he is. Anything else will send him running.
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Oh most definitely they will not LISTEN.
The only comparison I can make with myself being hit by a lightning bolt is attending and alanon meeting in my 30's. Which I was encouraged to go to by a TOTAL STRANGER on the phone no less. I had a great deal of doubt when I walked in there.
I sat there and just LISTENED that night and everyone's story was just like MINE. :o :o
I didn't feel so alone and realized then there's nothing wrong with me..except I was wildly co dependent. ::)
I tried to set up boundaries with the person I was dealing with and they dumped me as fast as they could and again I had peace from the drama and games.
I'm working on fixing those co-dependency issues.
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Totally agree with Old Pilot and Slow Fade.
This is not to put a damper on the letter and the result for Barbie Doll but every situation is unique and, as SF says, the MLCer has to come out of the tunnel of their own accord. They have to find themselves for themselves.
There have been too many cases of false re-connection and hasty reconciliation and that only serves to create more pain for longer.
RCR and OP said something very important to me about writing a text or the MLCer receiving a letter.
RCR said, there are three things your MLCer can do:- a) he can choose not to read it, b) he can also choose to ignore what's in it or c) he can choose to monster to you about what's in it and then hightail it out of there because he will believe that you have manipulated it.
OP said( and I will be forever grateful to you for this) when I was about to send a text - "What do you really think it will achieve?"
This letter is great in the very simple respect because it tells us what we already are encouraged to understand, that invariably the MLCer has regrets and does come out at the end of the tunnel remorseful for what he has done but that is all it tells us.
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Sadly, they don't hear or see anything but what they want to see and hear. So sad! Good try though Mr. Anonymous!
Hugs Stayed
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Mine had several former MLCers take him aside and tell him "the grass isn't always greener" - and he TOLD me they did it. Was still very cocky that he would prove them wrong! Timing is everything. I absolutely think he will remember those times (if he hasn't already), but them, therapy, drugs - nothing stopped this thing. But if you let them go, they'll figure it out (if they're going to).
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Just read the letter and agree it is brilliant ... But they w on t take any notice til they're ready to do so. But it is a great piece of advice.
Thank you for posting it. X
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Very interesting. Seems to me there are a wealth of these too little, too late stories and warnings from a "survivor". These MLCers are hell bent and until they choose to face themselves, prob not much we can do for them. MLC sucks rocks.
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Just read the letter and just reading it myself made a huge impact, I feel so relieved that somebody who did the same thing as my H actually realised one day what a terrible mistake he made. I hope my H feels that one day, reading this letter makes me wonder if he might, just might regret the pain he caused us and the impact his actions will have on our children not just now but for the rest of their lives.
The letter was spot on and I am amazed it was sent to your H anonymously. Incredible.
So pleased to hear you are on the road to recovery Barbie, wishing you and your family the best x