Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Kenai on August 28, 2014, 03:49:02 PM
-
Hi there all,
Hope I do not take the discussion very far away from the original topic but I in the context of this conversation, I would like to ask you: How did you discover about the MLC (of your spouse, I mean naming it that way) and at what point or how did you get sure that your H or W was a MLC-case?
It would be also interesting to know at what stage or moment or how did J end up thinking he was having the midlife-depression (thinking that usually the MLCer does not want to acknowledge having one)?
In my case, after the BD and caos in my mind, I actually googled something like "what does it mean when your spouse says he does not love you anymore". One of the first options was an article by the website Divorce Support that said that usually such a comment has two issues in the background: 1) The spouse is having an affair and/or 2) The spouse is having MLC. At the moment, I did not conside my H having an affair, so I started to click on MLC. The basic description on MLC in the website of Divorce Support was the exact description of my H. That is how I started to suspect this option and started to look for info. Yet, I find that most of the info is quite stereotyped and limited. The best info I have found is in here, and in the website of Divorce Support.
But at least for me it would be interesting to hear how you ended up suspecting your spouse having MLC? What lead to that info? Did you know about MLC beforehand and knew to "expect" something like that? Or was the situation just so crazy that there had to be another option?
Kenai.
Split off from the 'a view into MLC from a MLCer' thread.
-
I too was googling the ILYBINILWY speech, and when I found some MLC forums, I started reading the threads and going... omg, he did this, and this, and said this, and this too!
I personally am not as certain as many others because mine is a vanisher. Those with clingers, who witness the mood swings and memory loss and general madness, have surely clearer markers to pinpoint...
-
my d17 said to me that she thought her dad was having a mid life crisis. that was what led me here. perceptive child of mine.
-
I too googled with questions 'what does it mean when this....what does it mean when that' and found HS. For me it was like the biggest aha moment I've ever had and everything suddenly made sense. I couldn't stop reading and the more I read the clearer it all became. It was like piecing together a jigsaw and still is. I just keep discovering more and more pieces.
-
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5201.msg342942#new
Is a thread dedicated to how you found this forum. You might want to post your experiences there or read other's.
-
Good Grief. (In reference to a few posts back before LisaLives post)
I don't believe I or anyone said we as LBS's needed to change because the MLC spouse had a crisis.
Best to you all! I am leaving for my holiday weekend soon and wish you all a safe and happy weekend.
LP,
This is a forum for us all to share our thoughts, brainstorm, and help one another. It wouldn't have mattered even if you had said that the LBS needs to change because the MLCer had a crisis. Everyone has their own opinion on things ya :) Mix & match. Sift through the chaff and keep the gold.
Have a great holiday!
-
From LL:
Even those of us who have done substantial work and feel relatively whole, will ALWAYS have shame triggers.
Funnily enough, on the radio today I heard the fellow who wrote [?] the tv show Community say that, he carried ridiculous burdens of past shames until he started to blog about them. He said letting it out & telling someone, allowed him to forget about them & stop being embarrassed.
The idea that mirror work was done for the mlc spouse? Most of us do the work so that we can overcome the grief. :-\
-
LP , that was a great post you touched on many things that have been floating through my mind recently and some of which I have relayed to my H . I hope that you have a great vacations .
Callan
-
I find it hugely interesting to know how you ended up thinking that it was MLC - and even more interesting that there are apparently quite a few of us who googled the same lines... ??? ;D
I hope you keep sharing on this question - whether here or in another thread. The other thread recommended is interesting but here my point was to find out, what made the LBS think his/her spouse's case was the MLC in the first place - how did you end with thinking about the MLC. The other thread seems to be focused on how you found this website, which is important and interesting, but for example in my case, I already suspected MLC when I found myself here - at this stage I already knew to search on MLC. However, originally at the BD, I did not have a clue. Had I not googled those lines he said, and ended up with the MLC-info, I would still be in a complete caos, wondering if he is just crazy or if I am being crazy... And now that I have been mentioning the MLC with my friends, they also often come up asking how did I ended up suspecting MLC because they did not have a clue - As I think I have said elsewhere, at least I have had a very stereotyped impression of MLC, perhaps based on movies, in which 50-something men go with younger girls and buy a sportscar (as in American Beauty). Of course, as we can read in this website, this search of youth IS a SYMPTOM of the MLC but I thought that was the very charasteristics/foundation of it. However, my H does not seem to have this particular symptom, at least not visibly, he is "only" 37. In that sense, on my own just like that I probably would have not thought of MLC. And that seems to be the factor why he thinks he does not have it (but it is clear that he has all the other symptoms of depression). However, now I have apparently learnt that there is much more to this issue, that the chase of youth with sportscar is just a symptom, and we deal with rather depression and a self-destructive way to self-discovery/treating shadows (more like in the movie Family Man).
At least for me, it has been extremely useful to read these couple of answers to this question here - I think it is very telling that quite a few of us have googled same kinf of stuff, the same lines. So hope we can keep sharing - sorry if some of you think this is the wrong place for it. I do think it has to do with all this, and speaking of which, I would be equally interested in knowing at what point J - the original MLCer here- figured he has Midlife Crisis or started to call his crisis that way. Perhaps eventually his case was more dramatic with the sportscars etc... But also in his text it gets clear that it included thought-systems a lot more complicated.
Sorry for insisting... But I just found these answers here extremely interesting and important.
Kenai.
-
Hi Kenai
I googled something very similar because I was just so shocked by H's behaviour . I remember saying to my IC when I first called he that something just did not seem right . She reminded me of that not long ago , she said that I have never really moved far from the belief that something was very wrong with the way it was all happening .
Callan
-
The day after BD I said to my husband, "This is so cliche, just a typical midlife crisis" I said this before on this forum, if midlife crisis is real, he has it. Right down to the red sports car (bought and sold) and she is half his age AND blond. He really didn't miss a checkbox.
When I said that however, I was just referring to what most of the general public believes midlife crisis is, a sad old balding man driving around with a young blond on his arm. Something we use to joke about, right? We have all seen that guy in public and now my H is one of them.
It took me few weeks to believe a midlife crisis is real and not just a joke. My mother didn't use the word "midlife crisis" but when I first told her H had left she responded immediately with, "Oh, yes, well, he will be back. Men when they get a certain age, something happens with their brain."
So if this is true, if we all know the term (but don't understand it), if the older generation knows it happens (but don't generally talk about it), where are all the psychologists? Where are all the clinics? Why do we have to just happen upon a website ? Where are all the REAL statistics???...just about everyone of us has asked, "How many come back???" and we are all told the same thing, "ummm.... there is no way of knowing" Why???? Why aren't there statistics? Why is this such a secret? Why is MLC considered a joke?
-
When my H first went off the deep end I knew nothing about MLC. Everyone was so shocked my sister said...maybe he's having a midlife crisis!! We laughed about it.
I googled MLC and could not believe what I was reading. It was like they were talking about my H and that is when I finally knew what was wrong with him. Minus the ow and the red car, it fit perfectly him like a glove. Aging was his biggest problem. He was doing everything in his power to turn the hands of time backwards.
So I'm definately a believer!! ;D
-
Nah: Your questions above are also my questions. Although I would also like to go even further to the not-so-typical-symptoms and/or more profound info, not just the typical joke, as you say. I have also many female-friends in the 40s who very clearly suffor from MLC - they do not get the red sportscar nor the younger boy. But their thoughts about not feeling anything, about fantasies with OM, about blaming the family-life or spouse, about running away... Are still similar. A female-friend of mine wrote me last autumn about her thoughts that were almost similar to what my H now says! So far, she has not left her family but I think psychologists diagnosed or doubted bi-polar depression and she was taking therapy. Now I think it was just MLC... Now my H is in similar position. I wonder, truyly wonder, how come there are so little studies, so little info, so little therapy-help etc... ??? Just thinking how many families and lives this ruins...
-
My husband (who rarely has talked to me since BD) even said at one of the hearings that some of his friends "think he's stupid", my h continued, "especially the ones that know you, I know what I'm doing, I'm not stupid you know"
I don't know who these friends are, but I'm pretty sure it's men who have had the same feelings but did not act on them.
Another one of his friends said to me (days after BD), "well, it's every man's fantasy" huh?!? :o :o :o, It's every man's fantasy to destroy your family and everything you worked for???
and yes, I have a female friend that said she feels like she is going through some "crazy female midlife fantasy", she travels for work and showed me a picture of a very young male "friend" that she has been seeing.
I could list dozens of stories here, so it seems somewhat common. Maybe the problem is, the MLCer themselves just don't want to be helped, so no one does anything about it. I still would like to see some real statistics, though, why don't they exist????
-
As soon as I started talking about what happened, I got half of the people piping up saying 'omg, is he having a MLC or something??' and the other half 'oh year, you know also my father/uncle/random acquaintance did it too...'
It would seem everywhere I turn there's people in MLC, and yet nobody has seriously studied it. I think it might be because it's mainly the spouse that sees it, not everyone around the person, and there's a big culture - at least in my country - of keeping the 'dirty laundry' within the family. Even my guy is not telling anyone what he did and he monstered at me when I even dared mention his cheating to his father because 'it's private' and nobody should know. So maybe this is one reason why it's not more out in the open. Also, as you say, because most MLCers themselves don't go to therapy until they're near the end of the tunnel, so nobody can see them and psychoanalize them as the crisis begins...
-
Yep, even closer to home.
My FIL did this to my MIL when H was in grade school. It was NEVER talked about. Well, of course, when my MIL tried to pretend she was such a great person when everyone was watching and walked up to me (btw SIXTEEN MONTHS after h left me) to tell me "nothing has changed". I said to her, "how could you ignore me like this, you know how this feels" She looked at me confused. I said your husband did the same thing to you. THEN, she whispered (so nobody could hear), "oh, it was only for a short time" Ummmmm... he abandoned his family for two/three years. Why would she forty years later still try to sweep it under the rug???? and why why why would she and the whole family turn their backs on me???? SMH
-
My mother didn't use the word "midlife crisis" but when I first told her H had left she responded immediately with, "Oh, yes, well, he will be back. Men when they get a certain age, something happens with their brain."
So if this is true, if we all know the term (but don't understand it), if the older generation knows it happens (but don't generally talk about it), where are all the psychologists? Where are all the clinics? Why do we have to just happen upon a website ? Where are all the REAL statistics???...just about everyone of us has asked, "How many come back???" and we are all told the same thing, "ummm.... there is no way of knowing" Why???? Why aren't there statistics? Why is this such a secret? Why is MLC considered a joke?
Hear, hear and we could we start an action group now? There's an organisation in the UK called The Marriage Foundation and I went with a fellow lbs to one of their conferences in London. They're all about supporting and saving marriage as an institution. I have their site bookmarked, and when I've got time I plan to draw their attention to this major invisible destroyer of marriages....
-
I think it is something like Kikki mentioned on another thread, that there is this prevailing belief that it happened b/c it is the spouse's fault. And since most people seem to think that this is principally a man's thing, it is the woman's fault. She just wasn't enough somehow. Didn't most of us initially blame ourselves? So even though it is so common no one seriously wants to look at it as a mental thing, people just want to point fingers and find blame elsewhere.
I am finding that practically no one realizes that women have MLCs too.
-
I hope you keep sharing on this question - whether here or in another thread. The other thread recommended is interesting but here my point was to find out, what made the LBS think his/her spouse's case was the MLC in the first place - how did you end with thinking about the MLC.
Perhaps Kenai or some other person would start a discussion topic thread to further look at this. Just so that we do not hijack moment's thread and can somehow keep the focus on the view from the MLCer.
Split off from the 'a view into MLC from a MLCer - part 2' thread.
-
So even though it is so common no one seriously wants to look at it as a mental thing,
I think this is the main point. Divorce is so common that it's the new normal. People just do a shoulder shrug. On top of that, especially men, do not want to talk about depression. It's unmanly, right? But destroying your family and walking around with a cute, young thing, what could be more manly than that??? Even his f'n family, I talked to his sister that I was worried about him (2-3 weeks post BD), the only thing he asked for when he left was his guns. She rushed out and was going to save the day. She never talked to me again. I don't know what happened and maybe never will. The weird thing was, she was going to talk to her "counselor friend" and get back to me. So what did the counselor say to make my sil do a complete 1800???
It can't be him, he just "changed" and "doesn't know why his feelings changed" and maybe "I'm just f*cked up in the head" oh and one of the best, "I'm shaking and crying because I'm so scared", these are all quotes he wrote to me but this is still normal according to everybody else.
This was all 16 months ago, we are almost divorced (he keeps finding a way to delay), he bought a huge house that he can't afford and is still living with the girl. Everyone has accepted her. Divorce is normal, so nothing to see here.
-
Shortly after I got my BD I met with H's father to discuss his thoughts on what was happening. H and his father are very close and since H has a terrible habit of holding things in I figured his father would be able to give me the best insight. Once I sat down and explained what had happened up to that point his father said "he's having one of those damn mid life things". He told me to give him his space and for now either do a separation or "just co habitate". At the time I told him I didn't think I could do that as I married him for a partner, not a roommate. After a few weeks with this in the back of my head and no improvement I started my research.
Now...I will say this. His father would know best as he had his own MLC about 7 years ago complete with the red Corvette, joining a band to be a rockstar, drug/alcohol abuse and several girls 20-30 years his junior. MIL stuck it out for about 5 years and finally threw in the towel. They did get a D but still occasionally go out on "dates". I honestly don't think FIL has finished his journey through his tunnel as he still seems to have a lot of highs and lows.
So along with the other questions thrown out there my biggie is, is MLC hereditary?
T
-
Oh boy! Red corvette and rockstar band... here's one for the cover of our magazine, MLC monthly!
How old was FIL when he did this? And is he aware now that it was a MLC?
-
Oh boy! Red corvette and rockstar band... here's one for the cover of our magazine, MLC monthly!
How old was FIL when he did this? And is he aware now that it was a MLC?
FIL would have been around 55 yo which is a lot further in life than H's 39 year of age. He did not say that his was a MLC but alluded to the fact that it was. I don't think he's completely worked it out but he did say he knew he screwed up and if he could do things differently he would have worked it out instead of getting a D.
-
I have seen comments about MLC-hereditory-questions before :D
I do not think it is, precisely, hereditory, BUT I do think it is possible that in the family there are many similar MLC-cases, even in generations, because what is inherited is the form of attitude towards problems, conflicts... You know that MLC seems to hit the strongest to persons with avoindant characteristics, ie. a person who has developed a habbit of avoiding problems and conflicts in his/her life, is more likely to fall into deeper MLC because this crisis attempts at forcing you to deal with the stuff you have not dealt with so far in your life. So avoidant people have a lot more stuff to deal with than many others... Plus, when the depression hits in, what do they do? Try to avoid as far as possible because that is what they are used to doing! So there it goes worse again...
So I believe it is likely that there might be serious MLC-cases within same families or in generations because one's father or mother already passed the way of avoidance (or something similar) to their kids, so when the kids reach the age, they fall in similar ways to their MLC as their parents. Of course, it is not always like this: one person might grow up and deal with the stuff more wisely and avoid repeating family-models but that depends on the individual.
After BD, I actually found out my H's mother left her family in similar way when H was small - three times! For OM. Father-in-law says that mother-in-law acted completely indiffent in these situations and did not care about her family's feelings. Now her son is doing us the same... I might add that my mother-in-law has been rather indifferent to us also in this situation: She has made clear she supports H and seems to think it is all my fault and that her perfect son has the right to pursue his happiness. My friends say that probably this attitude has to do with the fact that if she acknowledged our pain of going through H's abandonment, she would also need to deal with the pain SHE caused to her family back then, and while she is not willing to do that, she is unable to deal with this situation, too... Apparently, I think this is one of the issues my H should be dealing now, a family model and childhood abandonment, and I certainly hope he would, because otherwise there is a risk he passes this model forward to his daughters...
Kenai.
-
Kenai,
Funny you should mention Avoidant people. My MLC before he went off into vanishing had been looking for a textbook on Avoidant personality. I am assuming his new therapist must have advised him to read it.
I hope he purchased it or is working on this.
It runs in my husband's family. I am not sure about the generations before him but his Brother had done something similar to his wife over 20 years ago when he was in his 30's. He was gone for 2 years. Neither of them will really discuss it as I think it was a very painful experience. They both have said that they are stronger than ever and love each other deeper. He was never as mean or as secret as my spouse but still as confusing. I don't think she or he believes it was a MLC. My BIL told me it is a dark, dark depression that is so different than one you have ever had before and you don't realize you are in one.
I found out about MLC from my Family Doctor. She asked me the type of things my husband was saying and she told me to go home and research it. I didn't believe her at first. I honestly didn't. It took me awhile to actually do it and I was shocked at how he matched script.
And yet, here I type 2.5 years later and I still have doubts about it all...
-
My husband's best friend told me that men go through 'this thing', a mid life crisis. I said it is no excuse. He agreed. I thought, at the time, it was an excuse guys used to cover for one another. This was in 2012. BD was 18 mths prior to that conversation. Although when I look back, this nightmare has been going on since 2009. My head has been spinning all this time. My husband is clearly depressed. Although there is a family history so I thought it was some sort of depression and chemical imbalance My counselor and daughter's counselor agreed to both. My girlfriend recently told me to google 'Midlife Crisis'. A light went on. Textbook! I kept saying he thinks he is 22 years old. I don't want a 22 year old husband. I am doing everything I can to keep my S20 on track since I have been raising him by myself since he is 16. (So far, so good. However, the kid is crushed by all this). Both he and my D24 are embarrassed and ashamed of their Dad's behavior. The OW is a 2x divorced 'barfly'. I tell my kids that her reputation, character and actions speak for themselves. People who know her can not believe he went from me to 'that pig'. She is the type of woman my real husband would look down on. We have no contact with my husband. Works better for kids and me. H clearly has no problem with it.
This site has been so healing reading that I am not crazy. I get no support from my family or in laws. My family hates him. In laws say '$h!te happens'. They think I am in denial because of his rewritten history. One sister in law has my back, but it is causing problems for her because she can't sweep things under the rug. My in laws are avoiders. That is where my husband gets it. Their attitude is... If we don't talk about it, it didn't happen. Healthy! Basically, I am on my own. I have 2 close girlfriends who have saved me many times. Otherwise, I keep it to myself. My husband was a great father, not good, GREAT. He was a good provider, great husband and often said that he is the guy you want in your cell phone when you are stuck on the side of the road. Reliable and honorable beyond comparison. Well, no more to any of that. I don't discuss it with people because I don't want to talk bad about him. He is still the father of my kids and I will always respect that. I wake up every morning and ask God to get me through 'today'. Can't look beyond. I pray for strength and patience. Pray for healing for all of us and hope for the best. I have been dealing with my own issues, hitting the gym for stress relief and doing the best I can. This site and all of the words of wisdom get me through the day. Thank you. I wish all of you... Happily ever after.. One way or another.
-
My husband dropped the big bomb .. never should have married me , no love etc etc. He wanted to "learn to live alone .. a lone wolf " Just shocking beyond words. He IMMEDIATELY agreed to go to counselling (HUH?) . We went to a marriage counsellor but he adamantly told her " he had no intention of working on the marriage" ( to a MARRIAGE counsellor .. again HUH?) She saw me by myself the following week and told me he was having a major "identity /midlife crisis".. I had no clue what was happening. She told me I was in for a very very rough ride and to expect.. Anger, Apathy, Avoidance of all issues, Agressiveness, Abandonement and possibly Adultry. She was right on all counts. From there , I googled my way to this forum. He was described 100% in this forum.. so atleast I knew why he was NUTS.