Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: CSF on September 03, 2014, 10:07:41 AM
-
Another discussion thread as there are so many questions I have after going through my wife's MLC (if that's what it is) and reading the posts in this community.
When you finally reach that stage where you GAL, and you decide it's time for you to date and perhaps pursue another relationship, is there any way to predict if the people you are dating and getting to know might go through their own MLC? I am 39 yrs old and still in the process of detaching, which obviously involves looking ahead to life, and the thoughts of building another relationship come to mind. If I build that with somebody in their early to mid thirties at that time, how do I know they won't go and MLC on me also!! I don't think my body could take that! It worries me about pursuing another relationship when it comes to that.
My W and I had a whirlwind romance. We always talked about forever and how we were connected and soul mates. I NEVER, EVER thought after 10 years of marriage she would end up moving in with OM, completely leaving me behind and abandoned, telling me we just fell apart and she overlooked the unhappiness all through our marriage. :(
-
Welcome CSF
You ask a very interesting and important question. I think most of us here had no idea this would happen to us. I am pretty new to this and I am sure others can answer with much more experience than I.
It seems to be a common thread that there are triggers to MLC such as a death or illness of someone close, family history of depression etc. now when I look back at the red flags it would have been a miracle if H hadn't gone into MLC.
I think we learn so much by this experience that we will know more what to look for when and if the time comes to move on with someone else.. But it can't be a guarantee but this makes us very much wiser. Trust your head as well as your heart.
-
That's a perfectly reasonable fear. Answer actually is you take a chance don't you, but I firmly believe that whatever is was about us LBS's attracted a broken person from the start. We just didn't know it. As we grow up and change and get healthy from our own past and this experience we will begin to attract like people to us. If the mlcer doesn't do the work then they will not be attractive to us at all. It will be the history that keeps you involved.
Experience also teaches us to see what we never saw. The majority of our mlcers have lied to themselves over the years as well as to us, but we will learn to notice those aspects in people that we overlooked because perhaps we ourselves weren't fully cooked enough to see it.
Just my opinion.
Sd
X
-
I firmly believe that whatever is was about us LBS's attracted a broken person from the start.
I totally agree with this, we need to do the work on ourselves or ELSE we may be right back here again.
And to be perfectly truthful I did not think that I had any flaws at BD. :) :) :)
-
A great question. A while back when I was considering joining the dating world, I considered this question. Lots of the MLC people share many common traits-lots but not all. Examples include-
Terrible problems in their childhood
Insecurity
Poor me attitude
Poor coping skills
Just off the top of my head. I am sure there are many more. Would love to see this list added to or adjusted as appropriate as a mental exercise only.
But it really is about doing the work on ourselves. For example, I have a magnet on my head for problem men. First husband was an abusive drunk and drug addict. Then my Genius came along, and went into MLC once, stopped, and then went Full on into MLC a few years later. When I kicked him out, an old friend moved in with me 6 months later in the late stages of his MLC. I had not learned the lessons so I got an up close and refresher course. Better believe this time I am paying attention to all my lessons!!
Now no serious dating as I am busy raising an end stage MLC Galapagos turtle.
-
I have thought about this too - most of us are in the prime age for MLC so it is scary to think of what kind of people are out there. The whole online dating thing has a sour taste to it - probably because so many MLCer's have used it to find their soul mate! My H's profile is atrocious.
For me, I think that my growth is what is going to be the best predictor. I am discovering my boundaries again and I think that those boundaries will be what filters out the questionable people. There are also a lot more questions that I would ask a possible partner now than I would have in my 20's. I think when we are younger we don't have a solid track record so we were more flexible with our boundaries. I think that I would want to observe someone's actions for quite a while before I invest too much of myself. I will definitely being taking it slow.
-
I am also quite concerned about that. My guy hit his MLC in his early 30s, and I wonder - what if the next guy I find has a MLC when we're in our 40s, or 50s? Even if I saw the signs of it coming, there's no way to stop it. I too don't think I could go through this twice.
One glaring sign I will be looking for is - is this guy actually working to pursue his goals, or is he just gliding along life talking about how 'someday' he will do this or that? Because that's precisely what my X did. For the past 10 years he's been saying how he would like to support himself as a musician, but never took any concrete steps to achieve that dream - and every time I suggested something (taking classes, making youtube videos, or even coming to London with me to give it a real try) he always made excuses.
For the past 10 years as I studied, and worked, and grew, he lived in the same exact way he did when he was 18 - with his parents taking care of everything, working, watching television and getting drunk on saturday night. And now he's freaking out about not having accomplished anything. Next time I will look for someone who actually lives their lives and grows instead of living stuck in teenage limbo.
Is this a guarantee he won't have a MLC? I really don't think so... but it's something...
-
To my knowlege, no, there is no way of predict/know who will have or will not have a MLC.
Not so sure if we attracted a broken person or if all our MLCers have always been broken. A person can be broken at a point in life but that does not mean they will always be broken. They can also not be broken at all and later become broken.
Lots of MLC people may share many common traits but not all. Also there are many people who have the exact same traits as many MLCers and they never have a MLC.
Since no one is perfect, no one has had a life of perfection, it is pretty much impossible to determine if person X or Y is going to have a MLC and say that W and H will not have a MLC.
You are asking how to you know if someone in their early or mid 30’s will not have a MLC, people in their early and mid thirties are less likely to have MLC than people in their 40’s or 50’s. And there is even people in their 60’s who have MLC. So, after a certain point, as people get older, the more likely they are to have a MLC.
So, you are either going to have to risk or to stay away from someone new for many years. Of course if the person is already exhibit clear signs of MLC, stay away.
-
I think lp is right, there are many common traits. A healthy dose of narcissism being important. Also, I now believe that family history of MLC is an important but not perfect predictor. exFIL had one and now exBIL has started his, right at EXACTLY the same age--can that really be coincidence. I would not necessarily call it genetic, but it could very well be a family adaptive strategy.
Having just got engaged to an LBS, and having dated more than my fair share of midlife men and screening out A LOT of MLCers. I think THE MOST IMPORTANT think to look for is a response to adversity. My ex NEVER truly faced any until MLC. When he was finally promoted to a position of "discomfort" and our S9 was diagnosed with cancer, his mask shattered. Add to that a familial tendency to high expectations (read that NARCS), and his automatic response was "My life is not perfect and I must be perfect, I must seek a new life."
My NG, on the other hand struggled, like I did, with a business when the economy tanked, stood by his wife through her "weirdness" and never would have left her, despite her issues. He is a rock. There are no guarantees, but when I look at myself and every LBS I have ever known, and between here and midlife club, we can know a lot of us, we are all, each and every one of us, ROCKS, in our own way. You can know that.
Say no to anyone who says "they just grew apart" in their last R, or we "different things in different stages." Change is fine, but look for the person who says, "I am a good person and I am making a good life out of what I have been given." Look for the one who says, "I have an amazing life, I just need someone to share it with me, and someone who can help me grow and GET BETTER by sharing their life." Look for someone who wants to WORK WITH you, not have you work FOR THEM.
I am not sure about all of you, but my ex was NEVER that guy, and I wish I had known then... But, I am in a good place, and if I had to go through that hell to get here, I guess it was worth it. I got a LOT of gifts along the way, including an AMAZING cadre of friends... Love and light, ll
-
I think THE MOST IMPORTANT think to look for is a response to adversity.
Great advice!
-
I firmly believe that whatever is was about us LBS's attracted a broken person from the start.
I totally agree with this, we need to do the work on ourselves or ELSE we may be right back here again.
And to be perfectly truthful I did not think that I had any flaws at BD. :) :) :)
Agree with this and believe this is a huge factor! OP even brought this up early on in my first thread; that I "fit in with her brokeness!" After looking back on the entire marriage and into all the things I knew about her past, I believe this is very true in my case! Not saying I didn't have my own issues to deal with, but she was "broke" from the beginning and as she wore her mask, avoided her own issues and tried to be what "everyone thought she should be", eventually she broke down!
I played my role in it too; I was the "white knight" that came to her rescue. She saw this as a way out of a crap home life and I got to "rescue" her; I believe we both settled! She was really not my "type" at all as a whole person. It's taken over a year of reflection on myself and the marriage to see that! I'm still working on my own stuff; I think all former LBS will continue to do this the rest of their lives!
I've asked myself this same question; there are no definitive answers, and no guarantees, but I believe there are certain things you can look for up front that can help you screen and minimize the chance (a lot of these have been discussed many places on the forum):
1) Family background - major issues with upbringing; relationship with parents & siblings
2) Self worth - was he/she felt worthy as a child; was he/she encouraged or criticized? Does he/she see themselves worthy?
3) Self Esteem - Is he/she see happy with themselves? Are they just as happy alone as they are in a relationship? Confidence level in themselves? See themselves as a good/beautiful/handsome person on the inside as well as outside?
4) Parents marriage - are they still married? any major issues? History of abuse / infidelity/ etc??
5) Goals & Success - Do they have goals in life? Are they continually working to improve themselves? Are they at least happy with their lifestyle and path they are taking forward? Can they stand on their own two feet without you?
6) Activities & Friends - Are they active in their personal life without you (Hobbies, Social groups, etc)? Do they have a good circle of friends & support group?
7) Co-Dependent / Independent / Interdependent - Are they happy doing their own things AND sharing time and activities with you in a healthy way; able to meet some of their own needs (Interdependent) versus: 1) NEEDING you in all aspects of their life versus WANTING you and relying on you/others for happiness & needs (co-dependent), or, 2) everything revolves around them & their life; only want you when convenient for them (independence / narc traits).
8 ) How well do they handle stress? Do they have major stressors in their life? How do they deal with stressful situations?
9) Communication skills - Do they communicate easily? Can they talk to you openly and say what is on their mind or do they "clam up" and avoid or "stonewall"?
These are just examples; none of it is guaranteed and not all of these are absolute deal killers either! Everybody copes in different ways but some of these should set huge red flags to anyone who has done their homework and been on the forums a while!
Just my $0.02!!
Say no to anyone who says "they just grew apart" in their last R, or we "different things in different stages." Change is fine, but look for the person who says, "I am a good person and I am making a good life out of what I have been given." Look for the one who says, "I have an amazing life, I just need someone to share it with me, and someone who can help me grow and GET BETTER by sharing their life." Look for someone who wants to WORK WITH you, not have you work FOR THEM.
Couldn't agree more with this!!!
Obo
-
OBO, did we marry the same person! lol...
Good points also on your list...Gotta remember them when I go on my next 'interview'! ;D
-
Good points also on your list...Gotta remember them when I go on my next 'interview'! ;D
lol.......if only we had a questionnaire :)
-
Good points also on your list...Gotta remember them when I go on my next 'interview'! ;D
lol.......if only we had a questionnaire :)
OBO, did we marry the same person! lol...
Good points also on your list...Gotta remember them when I go on my next 'interview'! ;D
Rookie,
It's not surprising at all that the MLCers are so similar. As I read through threads, all the common issues just jump out; especially some of the FOO crap! It's all to common!
S4A,
You actually can use it as a "questionnaire" so to speak. keep all these key points in mind, and when you find someone interesting, and you do the "20 questions" thing (you know what I am talking about), you can find out a lot in a very short period of time! Of course, just because some red flag items may exist, doesn't mean the person hasn't dealt with it either. Still a bit of a "crap shoot" either way!
Ever seen that movie "Think Like a Man"? Where they ask the fellas about there "goals" and stuff. Yep! And that is an actual book by Steve Harvey that that movie os based on!
Obo
-
I would add: Do they express their feelings or bottle them up?
-
I think THE MOST IMPORTANT think to look for is a response to adversity. My ex NEVER truly faced any until MLC.
And what do we do with the ones who have faced adversity since they were quite young? That was one (of the many things) I liked about Mr J, he managed to navigate adversity since he was quite young and we manage many adverse things together. Saying his MLC and running was a gigantic shock to me is to put it mildly.
I am not sure about all of you, but my ex was NEVER that guy,
Mine was that guy. So far I have not found one who can match that guy that MLC took away.
Please don't get me wrong or feel offended, but sometimes, when I read what many of you write it seems like your spouses were not great people and that they did not knew how to face difficult times.
Darth, that list would pretty exclude everyone. Unless, of course, you know perfect people with perfect families. Aside the obvious things (alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, rape and similar) everything else is not that linear.