Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: UnconditionalLove on October 21, 2014, 01:04:34 PM
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There has been a lot of talk about when the MLC comes to you and reveals his journey to his LBS. Sometimes they apologize, sometimes they rationalize it but they have seen their ways and start connecting back to the LBS. My question is...what does or did the LBS do at this point? Do you or did you just listen and be supportive? Or did you open up too and say...Look do you understand what I just went through, with your choices? Or does it again not really matter what we went through? I'd love to hear from some of the LBS who went through this and how they handled it.
Thanks!
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Hi there, I don't think there will be too many answers to this just yet.
For me though unless the mlcer is willing to listen and understand the lbs pain too then there is no reconciliation and no future.
Sd
X
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Thanks for responding! I think you would be right. I just don't see a lot of replies from the reconnection of what the LBS said only what the MLCer said. I would agree with you though. It's really important to get everything on the table.
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Thanks for responding! I think you would be right. I just don't see a lot of replies from the reconnection of what the LBS said only what the MLCer said. I would agree with you though. It's really important to get everything on the table.
I think for me, there are some things I want to know and some things I don't. I'm not really sure until I cross that bridge.
However, what happened cannot be swept under the rug. It has to be dealt with.
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Although not in reconnection or reconciliation I did do that today with Mr. Pixie. He listened and acknowledged as far as I know. At this point I don't think it means anything towards reconciliation or reconnect but it was good for me. It was not planned. It just happened that way. He did not make excuses and did not monster or try to blame back. He did not say sorry but he did say I understand several times so that was acknowledgement to me. Again I don't think it means a whole lot at this point but it was healing for me.
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Although not in reconnection or reconciliation I did do that today with Mr. Pixie. He listened and acknowledged as far as I know. At this point I don't think it means anything towards reconciliation or reconnect but it was good for me. It was not planned. It just happened that way. He did not make excuses and did not monster or try to blame back. He did not say sorry but he did say I understand several times so that was acknowledgement to me. Again I don't think it means a whole lot at this point but it was healing for me.
My W did the same before she left. I listened but did not understand her pain. Thinking about myself and how her words stung me ya know.
I think I could listen more attentively now as I've been on the other end. I think it's hard for them to know the actual pain unless they've been through it just as you don't quite understand what drove them to do what they did.
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My W did the same before she left. I listened but did not understand her pain. Thinking about myself and how her words stung me ya know.
KEY words right there Menow. You W did the same thing right before she left....this is where I am. I am leaving. The old Pixie is gone.
I felt it in my calmness, in my words, in me.
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My situation seems to be different, somehow, because my W seems to be aware of the pain she's causing me. About a month ago we were sitting in our living room talking about something and she stated that she doesn't live here any more. I didn't say anything cause I thought I 'd wait and see where she might go with that. After about a minute of silence she stood up and said it was time to go. I'm not sure I even said goodbye. About 30 minutes later I got an FB message from her stating "I'm so sorry, I'm not being fair to you". I have no idea what that meant because I didn't respond. What could I have said? The next time I saw her she wanted to go for a walk with me and we had a very nice 40 minute walk and we talked the whole time, meaning we both talked instead of me talking and her listening without responding.
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My situation seems to be different, somehow, because my W seems to be aware of the pain she's causing me. About a month ago we were sitting in our living room talking about something and she stated that she doesn't live here any more. I didn't say anything cause I thought I 'd wait and see where she might go with that. After about a minute of silence she stood up and said it was time to go. I'm not sure I even said goodbye. About 30 minutes later I got an FB message from her stating "I'm so sorry, I'm not being fair to you". I have no idea what that meant because I didn't respond. What could I have said? The next time I saw her she wanted to go for a walk with me and we had a very nice 40 minute walk and we talked the whole time, meaning we both talked instead of me talking and her listening without responding.
MBIB,
Interesting. Oh the cycling! Did she R talk during the walk?
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My situation seems to be different, somehow, because my W seems to be aware of the pain she's causing me. About a month ago we were sitting in our living room talking about something and she stated that she doesn't live here any more. I didn't say anything cause I thought I 'd wait and see where she might go with that. After about a minute of silence she stood up and said it was time to go. I'm not sure I even said goodbye. About 30 minutes later I got an FB message from her stating "I'm so sorry, I'm not being fair to you". I have no idea what that meant because I didn't respond. What could I have said? The next time I saw her she wanted to go for a walk with me and we had a very nice 40 minute walk and we talked the whole time, meaning we both talked instead of me talking and her listening without responding.
Is she still with OM?
She sounds torn maybe guilt.
Develop and maintain boundaries. No pursuit.
Acknowledge your interaction was pleasant and move on. Nothing more.
My opinion.
Best
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Interesting. Oh the cycling! Did she R talk during the walk?
There's never any R talk unless I initiate it and I don't do that any more.
She cycles regularly, but she always has a reason for seeing me. Sometimes it's pretty thin, but she always makes sure there's a plausible reason. Like stopping by to pick up a couple of shirts but leaving a dozen more in the closet. Did I mention she drives a big pickup truck and could empty the house if she wanted to?
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MyBrainIsBroken, My H and I talked calmly a bit before I knew he was really going to leave also. He even said that he would have to sign a year long lease and wondered how I felt about that. Funny thing about that was that he had already filed for the D...not sure if he even realized what he said or he was giving me false bits of hope.
He moved out a few weeks later and said that he would see where we were both at emotionally in 3 or 4 months time, that was more than 4 years ago. He obviously was not aware of how long this emotion would last for. I guess he is still emotionally not ready for anything, if ever.
A week after he left he said he could no longer live in this house with me...after he had mowed the lawn that day. I closed the door in his face. The next week he said 'that was really insensitive for me to say'. Point is, don't listen to them, they are totally confused by what they are doing and what they say. It shows in the beginning and then they go deeper into the fog and tunnel. He has been gone since July 27th, 2010 and hasn't said anything good since then...I get a few crumbs now and then but that is it. During our Final Hearing in court in Sept. 2011, he and his lawyer tried to assassinate my character but the judge stopped it. Where was the 'insensitivity' at that point? He was in total Fog by then and it showed greatly in court by his actions.
They are still able to talk some sense at the beginning of Escape and Avoid and then it gets worse during Replay, as you have heard said on here many times by others. Reconnect or reconciliation takes a very long time to arrive....if it ever happens. Most of us have not come to that point yet. The purple threads are where the info is on the reconnection process for a few of us.
MeNow, I wonder if you had a transition and not full blown MLC as you did not run away with OW and had the brains to still consider your kids and family within a few months after leaving and you returned rather soon. I am glad that you did that and stopped the worse part from continuing! I have not finished your 1st thread yet but I am working on it, very interesting for us long timers,,,and newbies!
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MyBrainIsBroken, My H and I talked calmly a bit before I knew he was really going to leave also. He even said that he would have to sign a year long lease and wondered how I felt about that. Funny thing about that was that he had already filed for the D...not sure if he even realized what he said or he was giving me false bits of hope.
He moved out a few weeks later and said that he would see where we were both at emotionally in 3 or 4 months time, that was more than 4 years ago. He obviously was not aware of how long this emotion would last for. I guess he is still emotionally not ready for anything, if ever.
A week after he left he said he could no longer live in this house with me...after he had mowed the lawn that day. I closed the door in his face. The next week he said 'that was really insensitive for me to say'. Point is, don't listen to them, they are totally confused by what they are doing and what they say. It shows in the beginning and then they go deeper into the fog and tunnel. He has been gone since July 27th, 2010 and hasn't said anything good since then...I get a few crumbs now and then but that is it. During our Final Hearing in court in Sept. 2011, he and his lawyer tried to assassinate my character but the judge stopped it. Where was the 'insensitivity' at that point? He was in total Fog by then and it showed greatly in court by his actions.
They are still able to talk some sense at the beginning of Escape and Avoid and then it gets worse during Replay, as you have heard said on here many times by others. Reconnect or reconciliation takes a very long time to arrive....if it ever happens. Most of us have not come to that point yet. The purple threads are where the info is on the reconnection process for a few of us.
MeNow, I wonder if you had a transition and not full blown MLC as you did not run away with OW and had the brains to still consider your kids and family within a few months after leaving and you returned rather soon. I am glad that you did that and stopped the worse part from continuing! I have not finished your 1st thread yet but I am working on it, very interesting for us long timers,,,and newbies!
Hi OC,
That is what the diagnosis seems to be - transition.
Best
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My H rationilize's mostly, but he has said a few things that indicates responsibility.
He would love to brush it all under the carpet, but I won't allow that.
He is still in the tunnel, but so much nicer to be around.
My pain has not been acknowledged, but I will make sure we discuss it in time.
He seems to acknowledge his mistakes to other people, but not to me.... Yet.
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I have let my H have it with both barrels. I told him exactly what I was feeling and what I thought of both he and his family about how S11 and I were treated. He sat there and took it; he didn't try to rationalize or excuse, and he keeps coming back. I think I may have finally gotten it out of my system, at least for now. I think my head would have exploded if we were trying to work on reconnecting and I couldn't get those thoughts out!
Now the difficult conversations we (I) are looking towards are the ones revolving around how to put this back together; financially, logistically, realistically. I want to be clear on what the expectations and needs are on both of our parts before we even attempt to move back in together.
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I just listened. Though he didn't really say much at first. Just asked me "can we start working towards me coming back home?" The heavier conversation has come later & in bits & pieces. I don't need a lot of detail about what he did.
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I should add that though he is empathetic & remorseful, I know that he will never understand the depth of the pain he's put me through.