Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Glimmer on December 28, 2014, 01:02:11 AM
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Hi everyone
I don't post here very often these days. I'm five years into this with my H stuck somewhere in the tunnel.
However, a thought keeps running through my head recently about something HB said a long time ago. She wrote about the MLCer having to believe the marriage is truly over before they hit rock bottom and begin to move through the tunnel. So how do we do this?
My H is no longer the centre of my universe and I am getting on with my life, but unlike other people I know whose marriages have failed I am the only one who hasn't moved on to another relationship. Friends and work colleagues have all met someone else in less than half the time I have been 'standing'.
So my question is: In the eyes of our MLCers do they believe that we are still 'waiting' for them because we have not met anyone else, and do they feel pressurised that we still expect them to get this out of their system and then come home.
What do you think?
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I don't know the answer but have wondered the same.
Sometimes getting a new relationship makes them see what they're about to lose but every situation is different and I guess its about timing. I know if I had got a new relationship in the first year H would have been happy that I was moving on, thus relieving his guilt. Heck he still might think that.
How many are fearful of a new relationship in case it prevents our partners from returning? I guess if that is the case you are not GAL and are stuck ....just as I have been. Although now I have got to a place where I am happy being on my own, no desire for a new relationship or for H to return, how can he know that I feel that way, we don't speak...so it doesn't help him hit rock bottom...he'll just have to get there when he is good and ready.
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Good question glimmer,
If that's what it takes for them to hit rock bottom,they may never. Especially if they know we are standing, and they know we would take them back.
My wayward husband dose not want to finish the divorce. I filed in october 2013 we had 2 temporary hearings 4 months apart. At both, he would never do his paperwork, inventory list or basically anything. This December, I stopped the divorce, and continue to stand.we never even bring it up, he comes over at least once a month. Stays for a bit. And goes back to his rented cabin, 7 minutes from the house he continues to pay for.
Kept telling me he didn't ask me for a divorce. And he didn't, he asked me to live with him while he ran off ever chance he got with OW.
And he would still be living here, but I made him leave dec 2013,I couldn't take the mental abuse anymore.
So, I have the same question you do. If they an pretty much go on about thier business of cheating, lying, and all the other crap that goes with MLC, and they know we're standing, being the lighthouse, being what they want us to be. Where and when does the crazy train stop?!!
Husband,in my opinion is " stuck like chuck" slap in the middle of the tunnel. I see no movement out.
If filing a divorce, and 2 trips to court didn't scare him I don't know what will. I guess they don't even look at that as reality either.
As 2014 draws to a close, my hope is fading as well. >:(
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To answer the question, who knows? For me, if it comes down to meeting someone new, standing will be over and will no longer matter.
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Glimmer,
IMO. It doesn't matter what we as LBS'ers do. What spurs one MLCer into action will have no affect on the next......
If the MLCer isn't ready to make some kind of decision on reconnecting? It wouldn't matter if we set our hair on fire at the town square.......... Nothing we do will get a positive, human reaction out of them.
As far as getting into another relationship? I can't imagine myself in a committed relationship. It would have to be topical and sexual to spark my interest.
Sad. But true.
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I have no idea, but a good question.
I stand for my MLCer but if he finds a ow, I'd be done.
I know you're asking about the MLCer and YOU finding someone else but I can't answer that. Some freak out and realize what they have done, other's are relieved and feel less guilty.
I would never try to find someone just to get a reaction from my X. It can really backfire.
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Keep repeating, this is NOT about you, and that's the problem. IF something you do causes them to believe the M is truly over and you are no longer a backup, and it causes them to want to return to you, what are you getting? A man who only looks at you as a prize? Is that what YOU want? Don't you want a man who loves YOU and would move heaven and earth to be with you? IF finding someone new changes you, into a more vibrant person and he wants you then, you are still getting a man who was not willing to see your potential and grow with you, he only wants what is easy, he wants the prize.
And that is the conundrum, when you turn away, you become the prize. Men are hunters, and when you force him to hunt, he wants you more, but why should you want him? I understand standing, and stand if you must, but don't sell yourself short. Only take him back if he is willing to HUNT for a long time, with tenacity and resolve. If you roll over and die at the first shot, he will be back to hunting again if his need is not met. That is why you have to make this journey about you, about figuring out what YOU want. And I think when you do that, you become a prize to lots of men, and when you find one who sees your amazing light and magnifies it, H looks a lot less appealing as the one who knew that light was there, but rejected it, because it scared him and made his seem smaller...
Merry Xmas, your true gift is yourself. Unwrap it and appreciate it in a way he never did, and then he will know, but so will the world and he will have to stand in line, and you will have to choose... Love and light, ll
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LisaLives post is outstanding and oh so true.
Ask yourself if you really want to be a back-up plan. Early on, many of us believed in true love, happy endings and all of that--and we all just knew our spouse was going to wake up quickly.
The reality is some really are done. Some will never get through the tunnel. Some will and try to reconnect with various results.
The crisis is theirs. We need to learn to stop looking at what we can do to attract them, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing we can do except love for ourselves in the best way we know how. That is how we become the amazing person we become and find the people we are supposed to find. And I don't mean another intimidate relationship but new friends as well. I have been watching people I honestly thought were my friends slowly disappearing from my life, replaced by new people who are more suited to who I am now.
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Excellent post LisaLives! The less obtainable we seem the harder they persue :o
Uhmmm sorry guys I would like something more mature than that. We're prizes?? :o :o :o
I gotta be the holy grail by now in regards to the ex.
And yep I have to WANT a man in my life..just because they show an interest doesn't mean I AM.
Sick and tired of the games...grow up!
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If we're talking in a general and very broad brushed way, men are hunters, especially the alphas. But they're a segment of the whole just as there are female hunters.
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Ok, I read all this and went GREAT not hunting here with this Christmas letter I sent H when he was with OW. But after reading this email again, did I just tell him I'm moving on?
Do you see anything in this message that states, I love you but I am handing you over to God and wish you the best? I didn't know that might be my message but now I'm thinking maybe I did take a bold step here. Maybe once he is back he might have a few things to think about
Here is what I sent him what do you think? I have not had any relationship talks, etc since BD 9 months ago. I felt like Christmas I needed to write him. Love to see if there was anything strong in this.
Today we are reminded of God's awesome love for us. How he sent His son down in human form so that we could have eternal life through his grace and forgiveness. There is nothing we have done, lived, spoken that is too horrific for God amazing grace and forgiveness.
The New Year is a reminder of the past and how we can clean up our live by simply talking to Jesus and sharing with him what we won't share with others. He already knows what's been going on, he just wants you to talk to him. Forgiveness cleanses the soul, heart and mind. He can make you pure and bring joy and happiness back into your life. Happiness comes from Christ, not people, money or things. We have to look within ourselves to find the missing link to our unhappiness. I pray you share your heart with him so he can heal it.
I will always love you! I want you to know that I continually pray God's love and protection over you. I have given you over to him and I have peace with God in control. I have faith that you will one day find your path back to him and be stronger in your faith from what you walked through and be a David kind of man after God's own heart.
From my heart to yours,
Wishing you the very best!
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IMHO UL..if it helped YOU feel better- then it's ok. There's no way to know how your H would interprete the message.
And menow? Apparently Alphas lack brains. Male or female.
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Awesome posts - thanks for all your insight. I posted on another thread almost the same question.
I now know I am on the right path - the last couple of weeks I have been receiving visits, txts, phone calls and FB friend requests from single men. I thought it was because I live in a small town and pickings are slim (there aren't many single women). But maybe its because I feel like I am now in the best place I have been in years - and this is what people see. That probably explains xp behavior recently - not liking that I am GAL.
Not sure what to do about standing - think if the right person came along I would consider no longer standing. But for now it's what's best for me and my kids and that is all tbat matters at the moment. I still need to do a bit more work on me!
Bring on 2015!
Kia kaha - stay strong
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I really don't think anything we do really matters. MLCer knows I'm not seeing anyone, I spend my nights alone,or with good friends, and yes there have been men trying to come around. But I shut em down.
And I know he knows this. But if I was to date someone.it wouldn't change what he's doing, it wouldn't make him come home. I don't persue him, if he asks to drop by, I let him.
And,nope,no booty calls. Just a visit every now and then. I have stopped hoping they mean anything.
He is lost in his own little fantasy world, and thinks he is walking in Gods will for him, with another mans wife. Ughhhh!
Hey, maybe I'll try setting my hair on fire! Lol. Yeah I know I know, all he would notice would be the pretty glow as I streaked by. :o
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Hey, maybe I'll try setting my hair on fire! Lol. Yeah I know I know, all he would notice would be the pretty glow as I streaked by. :o
I think you're giving him entirely too much credit in this scenario, Kat. Unless it was somehow about him, he wouldn't notice a thing!
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Maybe divorce the MLCer and carry on with our lives?
Not all MLCer start to persue if the LBS distances. Mine does not. I did not distance for him to persue me, but for my own sanity.
However it is not always true that if a person distances the other person persues. For some the distancing reads like lack of interest and they do not persue someone they perceive not being interested.
Mr J would be a lot in contact when I was in contact. When I start to cut the contact he keep silent. Since I'm the hunter and I'm not hunting, well...
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Anjae, my H is exactly the same. I am trying to go dark for the first time, also for my sanity-not because I think it will make him pursue. I hope it will, but I'm not holding my breath. He's never pursued much in our relationship, except in MLC when he wanted to anger spew. >:(
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Anjae,
This is so confusing to me. I'm glad you wrote this. My H is involved with OW who lives in another state and yet I'm here in the same state with him. I'm detaching but I also feel like I'm losing him because he may be thinking my detaching NC as I'm not interested. I feel like he had some touch and goes and now nothing at all.
So Anjae did you contact MR J when he was involved with OW?
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Medusa,
Right?!! I keep forgetting were pretty invisible. Sighhhh,
This has got to be brain damage.....
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Keeping Faith, Mr J has always persue lots of things during our 20 years together (and since MLC). But he is not the type of man that go chases women. OW1 and OW2 pretty much put themselves in his way.
He was the one who noticed me, when I was 16 and he was 15. He started to say hi at concerts and films, but it was me who waked over to him on a film festival and start to really talk to him.
In MLC, on the seven months I stayed on our flat, Mr J was a super clinger. He would call, be around, email, he was all over the place. When I returned back home, for a week or so, I heard nothing from him, then emails and more emails. At a point he even quit his job and went to work to his branch of the company I come work for. And he made sure he had a position in which he needed to be in daily contact with me. That lasted until August 2008 when my local branch closed.
Since, slowly, I start to be out of reach until I was totally out of reach. Or better, he knows my email, my mobile number and my family landline number. But since I become more and more silent, he does not try to contact/persue. Unless you count going nowhere court cases as persue.
UnconditionalLove, yes, during OW1. Like I wrote above, for 7 months after Mr J left we was around a lot. And we still went to social events together. But Mr J contacted me more than I contacted him. We remained in personal contact, a little less close, until early 2008, and professionally until August 2008. Then it was sporadic and it would be me because of legal issues.
With OW2 I only contacted Mr J mostly for financial or legal matters. Over the years my contact level reduced more and more until it stopped, but for legal contact I need to maintain in order of not allow for a new reason for divorce: lack of contact from a spouse for over an year. So, I will send an email with something I have previously agreed with my lawyer.
It is possible that some MLCers may see our detachment as we not being interested. But many of us have no other option. Mr J is an aggressive, super arrogant MLCer (or was). At a point it was no longer possible to keep having insane talks and dealing with the drama.
But in Mr J case I'm certain if he ever comes out of his crisis and I tell him the reasons I stop contact he will understand. Why Am I certain? Because on the weeks after BD we were still being intimate at my request. He had a deal, not to bring the situation (OW1, etc) up, that I deliberately broke. I broke it because being intimated was having a toll on me and because of the time saying it would had not work. Early 2008, when Mr J had broke with OW1 and was having a moment of clarity, I told him I had broke the deal on purpose and why. He said he understood and accepted it.
Of course by then he tried to lure me into being his "girlfriend". If I wanted he would book a fancy hotel bedroom. I refused. That probably sounded like rejection to him. He did become far nastier afterwards, but there is no way to say if it was because of my no, or because the crisis was getting worst and OW2 was already in the wings.
Of course now I can understand that a MLCer may feel rejected even if they are the ones rejecting us and leaving. But it has been 8 + years for me. At BD and on the years right after it, I was not able to see it. But I would not go back and have more contact. If anything I would had reduced contact much earlier.
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WOW, thanks for sharing! H is alot like your H. This thread is giving me something to think about.
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Yep wish I went NC right after I signed the divorce papers.silly me..he just about drove me nuts!
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You're welcome, UL.
I don't mind have had some contact in the earlier months. It provided me with what I know now is valuable knowledge into MLC mind and MLC ways. And the nuts communications also help me recognise the same pattern when others post their stories and be able to assist them.
But cut contact a bit, a little earlier would had been good for me. Still, I learned a lot about a MLCer crazy ways, changes of mind, sometimes within minutes, etc.
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To answer the question, who knows? For me, if it comes down to meeting someone new, standing will be over and will no longer matter.
Maybe divorce the MLCer and carry on with our lives?
^^^ Best answers for the topic question! They will know you are done when YOU are actually done! This would be when you have finally had enough and divorce them, move on, and no longer care about their life!
Yes, this may cause a knee jerk reaction in some, but as someone already said, why would you want someone that sees you as a prize or potential Plan B?
Others will go full force at finding / securing the relationship with the OP. These figure that you are done and not taking them back so they may as well make it work because they have no other option!
But, as we all know.....the success rate of those relationships succeeding is about 3%!
DO