[UnconditionalLove]

Ok, I read all this and went GREAT not hunting here with this Christmas letter I sent H when he was with OW.  But after reading this email again, did I just tell him I'm moving on?

Do you see anything in this message that states, I love you but I am handing you over to God and wish you the best?  I didn't know that might be my message but now I'm thinking maybe I did take a bold step here. Maybe once he is back he might have a few things to think about

Here is what I sent him what do you think? I have not had any relationship talks, etc since BD 9 months ago.  I felt like Christmas I needed to write him.  Love to see if there was anything strong in this.

Today we are reminded of God's awesome love for us. How he sent His son down in human form so that we could have eternal life through his grace and forgiveness.  There is nothing we have done, lived, spoken that is too horrific for God amazing grace and forgiveness.

The New Year is a reminder of the past and how we can clean up our live by simply talking to Jesus and sharing with him what we won't share with others. He already knows what's been going on, he just wants you to talk to him.  Forgiveness cleanses the soul, heart and mind. He can make you pure and bring joy and happiness back into your life. Happiness comes from Christ, not people, money or things.  We have to look within ourselves to find the missing link to our unhappiness.  I pray you share your heart with him so he can heal it.

I will always love you!  I want you to know that I continually pray God's love and protection over you.  I have given you over to him and I have peace with God in control.  I have faith that you will one day find your path back to him and be stronger in your faith from what you walked through and be a David kind of man after God's own heart. 

From my heart to yours,
Wishing you the very best!

[in it]

IMHO UL..if it helped YOU feel better- then it's ok. There's no way to know how your H would interprete the message.

And menow? Apparently Alphas lack brains. Male or female.

[Picton]

Awesome posts - thanks for all your insight. I posted on another thread almost the same question.
I now know I am on the right path - the last couple of weeks I have been receiving visits, txts, phone calls and FB friend requests from single men. I thought it was because I live in a small town and pickings are slim (there aren't many single women). But maybe its because I feel like I am now in the best place I have been in years - and this is what people see. That probably explains xp behavior recently - not liking that I am GAL.
Not sure what to do about standing - think if the right person came along I would consider no longer standing. But for now it's what's best for me and my kids and that is all tbat matters at the moment. I still need to do a bit more work on me!
Bring on 2015!

Kia kaha - stay strong

[Kat0465]

I really don't think anything we do really matters. MLCer knows I'm not seeing anyone, I spend my nights alone,or with good friends, and yes there have been men trying to come around. But I shut em down.

And I know he knows this. But if I was to date someone.it wouldn't change what he's doing, it wouldn't make him come home. I don't persue him, if he asks to drop by, I let him.

And,nope,no booty calls. Just a visit every now and then. I have stopped hoping they mean anything.

He is lost in his own little fantasy world, and thinks he is walking in Gods will for him, with another mans wife. Ughhhh!

Hey, maybe I'll try setting my hair on fire! Lol. Yeah I know I know, all he would notice would be the pretty glow as I streaked by. 

[Medusa]

Hey, maybe I'll try setting my hair on fire! Lol. Yeah I know I know, all he would notice would be the pretty glow as I streaked by. 

I think you're giving him entirely too much credit in this scenario, Kat. Unless it was somehow about him, he wouldn't notice a thing!

[Anjae]

Maybe divorce the MLCer and carry on with our lives?

Not all MLCer start to persue if the LBS distances. Mine does not. I did not distance for him to persue me, but for my own sanity.

However it is not always true that if a person distances the other person persues. For some the distancing reads like lack of interest and they do not persue someone they perceive not being interested.

Mr J would be a lot in contact when I was in contact. When I start to cut the contact he keep silent. Since I'm the hunter and I'm not hunting, well...

[Keeping Faith]

Anjae, my H is exactly the same. I am trying to go dark for the first time, also for my sanity-not because I think it will make him pursue. I hope it will, but I'm not holding my breath. He's never pursued much in our relationship, except in MLC when he wanted to anger spew.

[UnconditionalLove]

Anjae,
This is so confusing to me. I'm glad you wrote this. My H is involved with OW who lives in another state and yet I'm here in the same state with him. I'm detaching but I also feel like I'm losing him because he may be thinking my detaching NC as I'm not interested.  I feel like he had some touch and goes and now nothing at all.

So Anjae did you contact MR J when he was involved with OW?

[Kat0465]

Medusa,
Right?!! I keep forgetting were pretty invisible. Sighhhh,
This has got to be brain damage.....

[Anjae]

Keeping Faith, Mr J has always persue lots of things during our 20 years together (and since MLC). But he is not the type of man that go chases women. OW1 and OW2 pretty much put themselves in his way.

He was the one who noticed me, when I was 16 and he was 15. He started to say hi at concerts and films, but it was me who waked over to him on a film festival and start to really talk to him.

In MLC, on the seven months I stayed on our flat, Mr J was a super clinger. He would call, be around, email, he was all over the place. When I returned back home, for a week or so, I heard nothing from him, then emails and more emails. At a point he even quit his job and went to work to his branch of the company I come work for. And he made sure he had a position in which he needed to be in daily contact with me. That lasted until August 2008 when my local branch closed.

Since, slowly, I start to be out of reach until I was totally out of reach. Or better, he knows my email, my mobile number and my family landline number. But since I become more and more silent, he does not try to contact/persue. Unless you count going nowhere court cases as persue.

UnconditionalLove, yes, during OW1. Like I wrote above, for 7 months after Mr J left we was around a lot. And we still went to social events together. But Mr J contacted me more than I contacted him. We remained in personal contact, a little less close, until early 2008, and professionally until August 2008. Then it was sporadic and it would be me because of legal issues.

With OW2 I only contacted Mr J mostly for financial or legal matters. Over the years my contact level reduced more and more until it stopped, but for legal contact I need to maintain in order of not allow for a new reason for divorce: lack of contact from a spouse for over an year. So, I will send an email with something I have previously agreed with my lawyer.

It is possible that some MLCers may see our detachment as we not being interested. But many of us have no other option. Mr J is an aggressive, super arrogant MLCer (or was). At a point it was no longer possible to keep having insane talks and dealing with the drama.

But in Mr J case I'm certain if he ever comes out of his crisis and I tell him the reasons I stop contact he will understand. Why Am I certain? Because on the weeks after BD we were still being intimate at my request. He had a deal, not to bring the situation (OW1, etc) up, that I deliberately broke. I broke it because being intimated was having a toll on me and because of the time saying it would had not work. Early 2008, when Mr J had broke with OW1 and was having a moment of clarity, I told him I had broke the deal on purpose and why. He said he understood and accepted it.

Of course by then he tried to lure me into being his "girlfriend". If I wanted he would book a fancy hotel bedroom. I refused. That probably sounded like rejection to him. He did become far nastier afterwards, but there is no way to say if it was because of my no, or because the crisis was getting worst and OW2 was already in the wings.

Of course now I can understand that a MLCer may feel rejected even if they are the ones rejecting us and leaving. But it has been 8 + years for me. At BD and on the years right after it, I was not able to see it. But I would not go back and have more contact. If anything I would had reduced contact much earlier.